This past spring I had to let go of somebody that had grown very important to me....I had to let go of my best friend for the past 8 years. It had become what they call a "toxic" relationship.
We had met years earlier when we both stood up to a mutual friends wedding, but we didn't become best friends till this mutual friend introduced us again in 1996. She was going through a rough time in her life and she was questioning everything about herself, much like I did a couple of years earlier. Its rather therapeutic to meet and talk to someone who has already experienced what your feeling, it is like a light suddenly goes on and you say, "Ah ha! Finally somebody understands exactly what I'm going through!"
We found out we had much in common and bonded almost instantly. We had moments of real laughter, the kind you have when you were younger, that deep belly kind of laugh, were you swear your going to laugh so hard you'll split your side or wet your pants! It was good to have that kind of laughter in my life again, its the kind of laughter only your siblings or friends from your youth can bring on. We would be on the phone 5 or 6 hours a day, (hey we're women we multi task!). I had been so involved with my Husband and raising our children, I stopped having a life outside of them, so it was good to have someone to go shopping with, dine out with, have a few glasses of wine with. I was enjoying having a best friend again.
Even though there were similarities with both of us, all the way down to our appearances, we looked like sisters and many times we were closer than our real sisters, but the difference was I had gone through therapy and "cleaned house" so to speak. I had stopped doing things that harmed my soul and broke free of harmful traps. I have a maddening need to fix situations, when somebody needs solutions they called me, when someone needs ideas they called me, I was the "Strong" one out of the bunch, I am the "FIXER."
In being my best friends' best friend, I tried to help her find herself or save herself, she was in a bad relationship, she had a horrible relationship with her parents, she was always in some kind of crisis, all it took was a phone call from her and I would abandon my own family and needs to run off to save her. I learned the hard way, some people don't want to be saved. Those are the kind of people who cry and complain about how bad they have it, but do nothing to change their situation, they don't come up with solutions only excuses. They only want quick fixes and nothing gets fixed quick or without a lot of work. Those are the people that don't want to do the work, they wait for others to do it for them, the "Fixers." And when they stop getting what they want, need or have to have from you, they look for the next person to say,"You poor, poor you!'
I had seen how she lied, cheated and stole things, which is something that I don't usually subject myself too, but she made me laugh. It got to the point where the needy side of her was too much for me, I had given all that I could give and took nothing in return, "taking" is not my nature. I had to soul search on this one and I did....I knew I had to cut her loose and I did. Do I miss her friendship, yes of course I do, but do I miss all the drama in her life and the drama she created in my life.......no, not at all, and that is how I know I did the right thing. I can't save everybody all the time and I can't take away from my family to help and save another's.
This is the part where I learned to say no, I learned not everybody wants to be saved, some people like to play the victim. This is were I learned to walk away from someone who constantly took more then they gave. My family benefited from me severing this friendship, I no longer took off at the drop of a hat when she needed me, I became my husbands best friend again, I let him become my confidant again, the one I told my every thought too, like I used to do before my best friend. I still keep in touch with this person from time to time and she is still stuck in this viscous cycle but she has to learn how to stop it herself this time, she has to want to first.