Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Even the Warrior gets battle worn...

I am falling into a pattern with this on again off again Xeloda (chemo)...Friday I had the energy, Saturdays all I do is sleep the day away whether it's a chemo week or not. Sunday one of my girlfriends turned 40 and her family had a surprise party for her, even though all I did was sit in a chair most of the day....I was exhausted by the time I got home several hours later. I slept yesterday away and  I will probably sleep the majority of today away too.........I HATE THAT!!!!

My appetite is in the toilet too..........nothing looks good, nothing tastes good except for my birthday girlfriends Mother's Italian sausage and green and hot peppers............YUM! So I'm back to living on propel water and bites of this and bites of that. I probably will end up calling the Doctor at some point and ask what I can do about the damn fatigue. I know I have to eat to get stronger and that will also bump  up my stamina...but when the site of a fork makes you want to cry every other week.....I don't know it's just some sick holding pattern I am stuck in.

Even the strong get weary and when I stop long enough and ask how much more of this can I take...I sometimes don't like the answer...but I look into the faces of my children and into the eyes of My Jim and I say I can do this one more day and each morning brings me one more day!

Friday, June 22, 2007

Do I get an AMEN from the choir?? lol

First of all with my brain being overwhelmed between being nuked, and zapped and my chemo brain...I apparently show up a day early for my test results...totally my fault I have the right date and time in my cancer journal that I take with me to every appoint ( so I can take notes and keep track of all my tests and the subsequent results...I saw that it was Friday but Thursday felt a Friday to me so I went! lol Good thing they love me over there! They new how important those test resutls were to me and mine and he snuck me in and gave me all the good news! lol

So now for all the GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!!!

Both my cancer tumor marker test levels were way down....I can't seem to find the exact numbers to give you but one is back in the double digit and the other one went from 197 last month down to 133 this month... here are the links to better explain what a cancer tumor marker test are....the two I have done once a month are..
Cancer Antigen (Ca) 27.29: Blood Tests  and  CA 15-3: The Test .

And now for the even better news...all the small nodules (to small to consider tumors yet) in my lower lobes of both my lungs have completely disappeared! Yahoooo! and the lymph nodes that all tested positive for cancer in the middle chambers  of both lungs......well, all but one is still active! another AMEN from the choir please! lol and the two largest tumors that are located in the upper lobes of both lungs where the size of walnuts.....one has shrunk at least 50% and the other one almost 50%......so the Xeloda is working!!! and I only have a small puddle of fluid in my lower left lung that will eventually re- absorb itself...no lung tap needed!

He did want to show me that he had some (light) concern for a spot on my liver now, and my new left breast..........He gave me a stern warning not to worry about it, that we will keep an eye on them and only do more if it warrants it.......You know my nickname for him is Dr. Serious he means what he says and says what he means...I trust him explicitly.

So we know we are on the right chemo regimen and that is truly a blessing, I will have another Brain MRI in less than 3 weeks to see how well the whole brain radiation did and if Dr. Serious thinks I will be able to take that chemo booster we had discussed in the beginning about my new treatment plan...then I will be given it intravenously every 3 weeks (still have my porta cath) and hopefully remission will be right around the corner!

I remember when I was younger and I wanted everything...............now it's just time....such a simple request...but what I hold almost as precious as my family...Thank you for this time and more time!

Started out happy dancing and made myself cry.....what roller coaster this past year has been!

Love to you all!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

1 or 2? lol lol lol

I had taken my youngest Daughter Rachel to get her eyebrows waxed, it was only the second time that we had done this, as pretty as this child is she is cursed with Oscar the grouch kinda eyebrows....I'll blame that on her Fathers side of the family.....the ends literally grow the other way...so at the ends they are overlapping one another...so she wanted the wax job as part of her sweet 16 birthday package....no worries I thought last time I was a horrible Mother and laughed at her pain....I tell her beauty is pain and pain is beauty.

So the two of us walk into the salon and there is a language barrier....I announce that I would like my daughter to have her eyebrows waxed and the woman says........one or two?.... I say to myself HUH??....I say both of course why would anyone just have one eyebrow waxed right?? again she says 1 or 2.......I reiterate 2!!!!!! she then points to my eyebrows and says one or two? Now I get it she's asking if I want mine done.......I say hell no I just got mine back from chemo and nobody's going near them! lol lol lol

She did a beautiful job on Rachies eyebrows.....no more Oscar the grouch eyebrows! lol lol lol

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

In response to a comment that was left

Anyone who was really ill should take it and not crave sympathy from the masses, only people with a shallow mind does that...Are you really ill or is it just a shallow attempt to get silly attention if you are ill be ashamed for sharing misery of pretend bravado, you are silly woman either way.
#56 Comment from
misixxxxx - 6/20/07 10:41 AM


I crave nothing but more time with my family, I have 4 children who still need their Mother...if that is selfish then call me selfish I want to be here for them! I blog about my experiences so that the next person that is diagnosed with ANY type of cancer won't have to do that long walk alone. I am not shallow or an attention seeker.....my blog only changed tempo when my life did last year when It was found that I had Breast Cancer which even a mastectomy and four months of chemotherapy could not stop now it has invaded other parts of my body including my brain.


Now, for you MISIXXXXX I would spend more time trying to help the next person along then trying to knock them down. And if you had an ounce of intelligence you would of scrolled down my side bar and read from the beginning up until now about my Illness (cancer stage IV) before you would have passed judgement on my character ...When all the world can see it is your character that is in question. Shame on you...but something horrible must be wrong with your life if this is how you behave or react to someone else's life threatening illness and if that fact is so...... I PITY YOU ALREADY! You don't ever have to subject yourself to my blog again.... I wish you nothing but the best even if you are incapable of reciprocating.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

bald chick versus goldylocks

Most of the time I run around bald......kinda used to it since this is the second time in less than 8 months that I am as hairless as a hairless cat! lol The funny thing is I get much more eye contact from people then I ever did before and when someone makes eye contact with me I always give out a greeting and people always respond back in kind.

It's gotten to the point I am very comfortable being bald.....there is nothing like the feeling of a warm summer breeze  running through the 7 or 8 hairs you have left! lol lol lol But sometimes, just sometimes I don't want to be the bald chick, I want to just blend in and look as if I am not in the middle of a health crisis. That's when Goldylocks comes into play. I went to the hospital bald (as usual) and while waiting for them to call me into the chemo room to do a blood draw I was talking to an elderly woman about our families and about my cancer, she was very interested in mine and didn't mention why she was there...I enjoyed our conversation immensely, I tend to be waaay more open to strangers than people that I have known for years....A stranger can tell your secrets and you won't care.

While I was talking to her this striking older woman came over to me and said, "If I had your beautiful face I'd take my wig off right here and never wear it again!" I told her, "She was beautiful and she didn't need her wig either!" we both thanked each other and finally my name was called......off course they could get my port to take fluids but once again it refused to draw blood back....so it took 3 veins to get 3 vials of blood and of course all 3 veins were blown...such is life for a stingy blood giver! lol I swear I'm stopping at Happy Hour the next time before and do a lil blood thinning on my own....ya never know it just might work! ;)

So last night I had a date with Jim......dinner out with no kids...and I didn't want to be the bald chick last night.....so it turned out to be me, Jim and Goldylocks....my Son wanted to take a picture because he said I looked beautiful.......he can be very charming when he wants to be and then there are times.....lol! When I saw the picture I almost cried...it looked so much like the old healthy me....for a moment I didn't see a cancer patient....I saw a forty something woman without a care in the world...I hope I get to see more of her and less of the cancer patient.....a lot hinges on the news I get Thursday...still no intuition signs yet.

JWH 2007 (my Son the budding photographer)

Monday, June 18, 2007

tests and more tests! lol

I went to the hospital to have my Thoracic CT Scan of my chest today to see if the chemo drug I am now taking orally every other week is doing what it suppose to do.......SHRINK MY TUMORS! lol
From what I was told the largest tumor is the size of a walnut and after my first round of the Xeloda it did show signs of shrinking even though my cancer markers were up that week and I needed my first lung tap...the good news is that it did shrink in spite of the other results....both Dr. Serious and I were both pleased with that result considering he isn't as concerned about the dried up pea sized tumor in my head or the lesion that was spotted on my spine. He main concern is clearing up my lungs...So I will see him this coming Thursday to get the results.....still waiting for my intuition to kick in before I see him....I'll post my intuition as soon as it comes in and see if it's right so far it's been very accurate...woman's intuition.....just another thing I love about being a woman! lol lol lol

They also did another tumor marker test and the usual CBC's.........I'll get those results the same day........so I'm hoping for a huge change in my lungs and that my tumor markers are down....then can you say...CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON! lol lol lol I'm not sure how I will be if the news isn't good, but I know I'll end up saying...........ok, next new chemo...... BRING IT ON! I have to admit Saturday was a really bad day for me, I was weak and tired and slept most of the day away while out at the lake and still managed to sleep through the night...I'm listening to my body and when it says rest I DO NOW! lol It was also a very weepy day for me and I did have a small pity party for one...not to bad considering that cancer has been living in my body for a year now and I've only had 2 pity parties.....The first round of chemo that I started last September until January which was the AC & T which makes you so ill that you almost want to die and this past Saturday......I couldn't even smile.......I'm just glad that Sunday I was back to my old fiesty self and today I'm just a lil tired....so nap time it is!

My radiation burn is almost gone without any scarring.......but I wouldn't care if there was...that's what bangs are for and I'm still alive and kicking.....can't get better than that!


Just came across a new blogger, if your into true life crime stories check him out....gotta love Brooklyn! lol


Sunday, June 17, 2007

A Lahoma (Mzgoochi) update

I just got off the phone with Lahoma a lil while ago (aka MzGoochi)  from Lahoma Lamnets....(link in my sidebar) and she wanted me to let everyone know that she just finished her chemo and that they will be checking this coming Tuesday to see if the chemo worked via a bone marrow sample....that will be the same day her Brother will be tested to see if he is a match with her....otherwise they will be looking for a donor in the bone marrow bank.....so please say a lil prayer for her that her brother is a perfect match and she can be done with all this cancer chit.

I know when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer last year and they were going over the treatment plan, which was Adriamcin, Cytoxan and Taxol (AC& T) that 1 in 500 breast cancer patients treated with these drugs will get Leukemia.... Lahoma was in remission for 10 years, and now she is doing battle with Leukemia....I'm am sure there is a connection.

If anyone would like to call Lahoma and lift her spirits because she is there alone and they don't plan on releasing her until the first week of July if all goes well you can contact her directly at  1-304-598-4000 Room # 919. I can't imagine having to go through what she is going through without someone there by her side to make sure she is properly being taken care of and loved and nurtured as she battles another round of cancer.

So if ya can send some love her way.......J-Land is such a loving and caring community and I know I couldn't battle half as hard as I am with my own cancer if it wasn't for the constant love that is shown to me by so many J-Landers.

Or cards can be sent directly to her at

Lahoma Taylor
Ruby Memorial Hospital
Blood and marrow transplant unit
Medical Center Drive
Morgantown, WV 26506

And did I mention she has the cutest accent with the sweetest voice....first time I've ever had the chance to speak to her...adorable! lol

Thursday, June 14, 2007

It ain't easy being Jim sometimes! lol

Just letting you know that Jim can slip up from time to time too..........after all he's human AND a man! lol

Last time I saw Dr. Serious he told me to call him if I was experiencing any pain in my chest or if I started coughing. He said let him know right away...I listen to my Doctors now so when I started that God awful half gag on the air I'm trying to suck in and chocking on the air that is trying to leave my body......I thought UH OH....maybe another dreaded lung tap was in order....So on Wednesday when I met my friend Kathy and her son for brunch, I called Dr. Serious charge nurse and told her what I was experiencing, she said she would run it past the Doctor and get back to me...now with my history of everything getting out of control at a very high speed...I like the fact that Dr. Serious follows me very closely.

So I call Jim and tell him as soon as he gets home from work it's off to the hospital for a chest X-ray.....so as soon as the test is done I'm already talking to Dr. Serious charge nurse to let her know the slides are ready for viewing, she calls me back with an all clear! Whewwww! I'm not fond of lung taps, but if it keeps me here a lil longer than I'll do what I gotta do right?

Jim's mistake? saying to me on the ride home....."Happy now Ms. Paranoid?"....Now I turn the evil eye on him and ask him if he just called me paranoid.....he was already looking for a place to hide.......kinda hard in a 2 seater pick up truck....I say, "Paranoid?" I have every right to be paranoid since I did everything the right way the first time, mastectomy, 4 months of chemo, Tomaxifen for almost 3 months and IT DIDN'T WORK, my cancer went from stage IIB to Stage IV.......during treatment...went from just the boob to my lungs, my brain and my spine....I don't think he chose his words wisely! lol He didn't think so either! lol

His next mistake.........trying to appease the crazed, menopausal woman who he promised forever with, thought he wouldmake up for the word paranoid to get me some of my favorite ice cream Deans Moose tracks..in vanilla ice cream...........instead he comes home with chocolate moose tracks.....Oh the injustice of it all....Oh well, It's a crying shame.......I really liked that man!!!!!! lol lol lol

Started my 4th round of the xeloda oral chemo this morning, but at least my rad burn is healing very well. Hope this xeloda works it's magic and I also get the all clear on the booster meds that really helps the xeloda to kick in high gear...oh happy day...oh happy day!

Oh yeah I'm bragging! lol Momma's can! lol lol lol

Oh Yeah! This Momma's bragging! lol

My 15 year old Son Jimmy who is an amazingly self taught artist was asked that one of his end of the year art projects be placed by invitation only to our local art museum.........now grant it, I preferred the skittles drawing over his other topic, but it was the other topic that was asked to be put on display....I think the "other" topic is a few skittles short in the brain department, but what can I say my boy idolizes his namesake his Grandfather who he was named after, who just happens to be Republican....I let my kids find their own views and guide them only when asked too....He was a huge Clinton fan until he found out at the ripe old age of 6 that President's lie......tore his whole world apart....it was also the year that he found out that there wasn't a Santa Claus....he ran into his bedroom very upset then came back out 15 minutes later and said, "I suppose you're the Easter Bunny too?" then paused for a moment and said, " Is the tooth fairy real" That was a rough day for my lil man! lol

So without further adieu.....My Son's Art!


Now for someone a few skittles short! lol.......MY BAD! lol lol lol

No, what are now seeing is not an Old English Sheepdog....it is my Son who prefers to see the world through his blonde hair at the moment....Can you say surfer dude?? lol lol lol .....His Self Portrait in charcoal!



Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Happy just to be with you......

I seem to be in some kind of vicious cycle....I need xanax at night to help me fall asleep and STAY asleep but I always feel so lethargic the next day that I nap on and off which I know effects why I am up this late doing an entry! I am hoping that I can start going through a day without a nap.....maybe that will help with be able to fall asleep at my old bedtime.....right after the weather man does his thing .... 10:20 p.m.

Today was spent taking my girlfriend Michelle to our shared Lung Doctor, going over a new treatment to help her with her Pulminary Fibrosis who is already on oxygen at the age of 40! We did a quick lunch and then I was back in my bed....unable to sleep, but unable to keep my eyes open....we were supposed to meet up for an early dinner with 2 other friends but at the last minute they needed to cancel from their own over loaded schedules...I was happy that we were able to grab a quick bite to eat in our own neighborhood and reschedule for some time next week.

Tomorrow is a late breakfast with another girlfriend and her adult son who has seemed to take my cancer harder than anyone else I've seen so far........me and his Mom (Kathy) have been friend for over 26 years now...been there for each other during her horrible divorce and even more horrible marriage...I guess between his Mother and me and one other girlfriend of ours seemed to be the only constants in his life, so we are the only ones he cares about back.

So tomorrow I will try a lil caffeine to keep me up during the day and maybe, just maybe I can get back to my old sleep pattern. I don't want to sleep my days away...I am hoping that more of my strength comes back and I can get back on track at home with all I have to do. It has been one whole year that cancer has taken over my life and my body.....that still freaks me out a lil....what is it doing? where is it traveling too now? I won't know if this new chemo is working until June 22.... I know the waiting is taking it's toll on me and My Jim....A year where not only has he continued to be the sole bread winner of the house Being the Stay At Home Goddess that I am before I got sick! lol lol lol, but has become my care giver 24/7, still tying to maintain some sense of normalcy for the two children we still are raising at home, is with me at most of my Doctor appointments and let me tell you I have a whole slew of specialists and he takes me to all my testing and then back to the Doctors for the results... I feel so blessed that he was chosen for me long before we met.

One of these days I want to get a scanner so I can show you the 1980's rocker couple that we were! Me with my big hair and Madonna wear and him with his mullet and "cavaricci jeans" and Jordache jeans ironed to a point! lol We were so young back then..blissfully unaware of what was to come some 20 years later. But we are a strong couple and this is just another bump in our travels through life and being more stubborn than cancer helps a great deal...I will be so excited and blessed when I hear the words remission spoken on my behalf and now matter how long of a time I will spend in remission I will be thankful for every moment of it.....one more day and one more day after that and so on.

I haven't been able to listen to a lot of Country Music which I was raised on.....there is something about the country music writers that are able to find a connection between a story and a listener hearing it for the first time and souls collide. The one song that puts me over the edge is a song from LONESTAR that they made a few years back that really resonates with what is going on in my love story...... my life story....so here goes the water works for me....not all sad, mostly happy that I am loved this much from one hell of a man who still wants one more day with me..........My Jim.

"One more day"

written by LONESTAR

Last Night I had a crazy dream
Wish was granted just for me,
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money, or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you

One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

[Oh one more day]

First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone, and keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second, say a million I Love You's
That's what I'd do, withone more day with you

One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day....
Leave me wishing still, for one more day....
Leave me wishing still, for one more day....
With you

[Oh... One more day]

Monday, June 11, 2007

weekend update! lol

I'm still trying to learn to balance what I can do and what I want to do without over doing it....stubborn Irish Woman still thinks I can run full steam ahead....and then I pay for it the next couple of days. I just have a hard time passing up when I have the energy to do something....Jim yells "Don't over do it!" and I say, "I won't!"...then I do. So after a busy weekend out at the lake, he's playing hookie today, the kids are no longer in school..(Thank God! I was getting real sick of that routine!) Summer means sleeping in and with teenagers..I practically have the house to myself until they awake from their summer coma's in the late afternoon! Yipeeeee! lol

I remembered to bring my camera out to the lake this weekend and was able to get some of my family to cooperate with some updated family photos. I didn't get a chance to do some fishing it was more of a laze around the lake, take a few naps and a whole lot of good eating...I just love the idea as a family we can all get together every weekend just like my childhood was when I was growing up...Aunts, Uncles, Cousins everywhere and a lot of good friends that have become family...I hope my children end up cherishing these kind of weekends memories as they grow up and have families of their own.

Me and My guy.....Ü.....notice the lovely radiation burn to my forehead! Dr. Nuke wrote me a prescription that should have the burn cleared up in a week......my 15 year old son gets so upset when I have the bandage off that he just hugs me a lot and says how bad he feels for me...He can be so sweet when he wants to be! lol

Next two pics are of My Middle Daughter Amanda and her boyfriend plus my youngest daughter Rachel that ya can't see along with my Niece on the back of the paddle boat and then My oldest Daughter Melissa and her husband Tony ( who wasn't thrilled with the camera flash! lol) and their two "Children".....my grand dogs Beefy and Blu! lol

kmh 2007

kmh 2007

Life is good and I am blessed!

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Mary said.......

Have someone take some pictures of the beautiful you, okay? ~Mary
#15 Comment from
frankandmary - 6/4/07 10:23 AM

So this is for Mary! lol

That is me at 4 years of age second on the left... my Sister Kelly is to my right with my Brother Michael right behind me....the other kids were from the block I spent part of my childhood on I think I lived there from my 4th year until I turned 10. I was blessed having the best babysitter a child could have...I call her M.O.M (My Other Mother) My Mom and Lilly have been best friends for over 40 years. Not only did she watch my Mom's 3 kids, she had 5 boys of her own and then had a baby girl, plus she had at least 1 or 2 other kids throughout the year.......talk about Sainthood! lol

The other lil boy on the far right is her youngest son Bobby, we were just under a year apart and we were the most mischievous, most catch us if you can kind of kids there were! (I'm sure that didn't surprise that many of you! lol)

We painted each other head to toe with garage paint (beige), we set of fireworks in their apartment, we used to put sweet tarts candies into warm soda bottles and watch them spray up to the kitchen ceiling...we were so BAD! He convinced me one time that those lil bottles of liquid "HEET" were perfume and lipstick.......can you say burn baby burn??? lol He also told me that if I let him put a whole bottle of hair tonic in my already long hair that by morning it would be down to me feet...it was already passed my butt.......both out Mothers spent half the night shampooing, drying, powdering my hair and repeating.....ended up with yet another pixie hair cut the next day! lol

Funny thing is Bobby never had children and I ended up with 4 of them! lol So I got all the paybacks and Bobby got away scott free! lol  I was able to spend a couple of hours with my second family over the weekend and it was so good to walk down memory lane.... I smiled and laughed so much my cheeks were sore and life can't get any better than that!

Monday, June 4, 2007

Went fishing! Or at least tried to! lol

I spent the whole weekend out at the lake! And even thought I spent the weekend out at the lake my attempt at fishing had Jim untangling my lines all weekend, getting my lures out of trees, getting my line un snagged from the bottom of the lake.....It's a good thing he has more patience with me the cancer patient than the fisher woman in me! lol

My youngest Daughter turned sweet (sarcastic) 16 over the weekend and it was nice to get the whole family and friends to help celebrate it with us....She spent most of the time doing her behind the wheel hours with my relatives....(Thank God) I took her out once and had to come back home 10 minutes later and take two Xanax and go to bed....like I don't have enough stress at this time right??? lol

I wanted to show you the mask I had to wear for my 15 rounds of whole brain radiation...I was strapped to the table by just my head and it was a lil freaky but I am very thankful that it was very brief...under a minute and a half....what helped me go to a happy place was running my fingers over the tiles that many of you donated to with the help of Ang and 
The Giving Tree .....I can't tell you how much comfort I got just from running my fingers over and over the tiles.......You truly are angels in my life and I will forever be grateful and always remember to pass along the kindness that I have been shown since becoming ill last summer!

My lovely mask! lol


The Charm Bracelet

I'm finally feeling well enough to want to start running around with my camera, so I did get a cute picture to share in my other journal, take a peek if ya wanna.

Photographic Memories