Thursday, April 26, 2007


Another late night talk, face to face with My Jim.....This man knows me so well! lol lol lol

Recently my Brother made a total ass of himself at my SIL's expense while out in a very nice restaurant in the Burbs of Chicago...let's just say his temper overshot his table manners and somehow the Woman that was sitting behind my SIL ended up wearing my SIL's dinner...let me digress for a moment....

When I started therapy over 13 years ago....I was asked if mental illness ran in the family...sucha loaded question for this crazy extended family of mine....I said, "Let's just put it this way...I'm the only one ready to admit that fact right now!" lol lol lol And so far I am the only one that has ever sought help to heal childhood wounds....among other things.... so, two years of therapy, two years of Prozac and I'm all better now! lol lol lol

So while my Brother was apologizing to this poor woman who ended up being target practice for the night....My Brother and my SIL took the fight home....none of my business...they both choose to stay therefor deal with each other.

So I am laying in bed with Jim the other night letting that scenario play over and over in my head ( I just recently learned about it via the SIL) and I asked Jim..."What would you have done if someone threw their dinner and it accidentally hit me?" He is very protective of me....always has been, but then again he knows me so after I see a smirk cross his face I said, "What is so funny Pal?" He said, "I would have had to go over there and peel you off of him!!" I laughed so hard it hurt because that would be sooooo true!!!

By the time Jim would have reacted I would have been all over that man! lol lol lol Let's just say my reaction time is just a wee bit quicker than my Jims but then again so is my temper! lol lol lol

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Winded just relaying all yesterdays info! lol

Oh vey! So much info from yesterday...I'll try not to make this entry as long as my day was yesterday!

First off, the Male Nurse named Derek who was trying to draw blood from my port couldn't get a drop out of me...We tried every angle possible in a chair that can tip your head lower than your feet..I swear if I didn't know better I looked pretty much like a porn star is some of those positions! lol Turn on this side, then that side then this arm up over my head, then that one...Good Lord they would of made for some interesting pictures...Derek finally gave up and had another nurse take the blood the good ole fashioned way..through a vein that finally cooperated!

Then it was off to see Dr. first question was "What didn't work? Was it the chemo itself of the Tomaxifen?" He said, "probably both"...then I asked, "Does that happen a lot?" I was told very rarely. Great....I just have to be difficult! lol As far as the chemo plan this time it will be in the pill form,  the drug is called Xeloda....but I was unable to start it yesterday because your typical drug store doesn't carry this drug and it would take days for them to order it...I don't want to wait for anything at this they (Dr's) deal with a company that does all the leg work for both the Dr's and the Patients and it will be delivered to my home sometime today or no later than tomorrow....side effects? 3 serious ones which I am to call Dr. Serious immediately of I experience either of them.

1: Diarrhea (my warped thinking oh yeah more weight loss..BONUS! 2: Mouth sores.....still thinking weight loss..I know I'm twisted! lol
3: Hand and Foot disease....not looking forward to that! Had that with a round of chemo last time....burning and blistering of hands and feet...still had a bit of the chits and giggle with the name though..sounds like Mad Cow Disease to me! lol lol lol

He also stated that recent studies have shown this drug is more effective given one week on then one week that is what I will be doing for 2 months....I'll see him again in the month to check up on me...there is also another drug that really boosts the hell out of the chemo drug but I have to have a Brain MRI first to make sure that there isn't any evidence of cancer in my could cause bleeding if cancer is found there...the drugs name is's an antibody that blocks the blood supply to the tumors and kills them off. If the brain MRI comes back clean then I will have Avastin every 3 weeks intravenously....I can handle that! I also have to have a Thoracic MRI to check for cancer in the spine...I am having some pain and that could mean something is interfering with a nerve...that would be bad news so let's hope there isn't any evidence of disease in my brain and my spine. Back to back MRI's scheduled for this Friday afternoon...I'm gonna be in that MRI machine so long they will probably charge me rent that day! lol

I asked Dr. Serious point blank.....Do you think you can get me into remission...he was very confident that he could because of the abundance of treatments to try...he doesn't make statements like that unless he truly feels it....So after our meeting Jim, My Mom and myself felt a little bit better...I had dinner out with Mar and Michelle and we laughed till I hurt....good times! lol lol lol

Oh more thing....YIKES on the Xeloda cost...I was told it's like 2 grand a prescription! Thank God for insurance...$10 bucks co-pay here!!!

I will be having a total jammie day's raining, I'm really wiped out, but my intuition is very calm at this point...that's a very good sign! And the kids have only half a much for peace and quiet huh?? lol lol lol

Thanks for your love and your support and for my silent readers that have introduced themselves to me.....Isn't J-Land AWESOME!!!!!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Insanity has it's privileges..or perks...or is it quirks?? lol

I ended up having a caffeine rush so intense that I didn't leave the house yesterday to meet friends for drinks and dinner, instead I am doing some kind of mad "nesting"...a term that many Mother's will understand I ran my oxygen depleted butt up and down the stairs all day long doing laundry...who knew my Son's room was going to be an exercise in itself just to get to all the dirty clothes that have piled up...I have a full bag of clothes to give to a friend who has a younger son than mine, I have 3 full bags of clothes to drop off at the good will and I had a sore body! lol

Dinner time rolls around and Jim gets the call from the lake the crappies are hitting as well as the large mouth time with the wife? fish? time with the wife?....oh let's drag the wife out to the lake too....I was a disgruntled housewife and went under duress.....did I catch any fish??? NO! But I did manage to hook some very large trees, 2 to be exact and I did remove quite a bit of lake debris, like large branches....I did get some comedy relief watching the DH almost fall out of the boat while standing on his toes to release my line from one of the trees...GOD forbid I lose a new lure....something called a blade dancer! I got your blade dancer darling! lol lol lol

Thank God one of my Girlfriends was there so we decided since I was starting chemo we needed to toast to that with a bottle of champagne...normally it's this friends that we toast to everything with a bottle of tequila...but champagne was definitely in order...I had one glass and suddenly I didn't feel like such a hostage at the lake...gotta love your best girlfriends! lol lol lol

In about 2 hours I will start a new chemo treatment plan....crossing my fingers that this one will work this time...I am chomping at the bit to get started...I want to begin so I know when it will end...sucha control freak I know! lol I know nothing of this new treatment, it's side effects or duration...that will all be explained to me while visiting with Dr. Serious after the blood draw and before the chemo....least it won't be as intense as the AC&T route!

So with my warped sense of humor the only thing that is going through my mind is........."What to wear? What to wear?" lol lol lol Oh yes even a bald chick with small sprouts of hair can still be a Fashionista Diva!!! Pink for Breast Cancer or cammo for the lil warrior in me.....decisions! decisions! Well, at least we know it won't be a hair situation...I will post a recent pick of me with my lush quarter inch to half inch of hair soon! lol lol lol It first started to come in resembling a schnauzer..but with the last few days out in the sun..the tips are starting to look blonde again...My Jim said something about looking "Fiber Optic" Funny guy huh?? lol

Wish me luck!


Monday, April 23, 2007

Sure do have ups and be expected I guess! lol

What a beautiful weekend we had here in Chi-Town! Friday night I had a dinner date with my Jim and he was back in town by 3:00 p.m. I thought I was going to fall apart in his arms but we just held on to one another and looked into each others eyes for awhile...he has the most beautiful green eyes! We had an early dinner and then decided while we are out to go ahead and get a new dryer...our old one lasted almost 15 years (Kenmore Sears) it was time to replace it anyway...while we were at Best Buy we picked up a couple DVD' a my favorite all time older funny movies is "The great Outdoor's" With John Candy and Dan Akroyd....between Jim, the kids and me we must of watched it at least 3 times over the weekend...I still laugh in all the same places I did when that movie first came out! lol

Saturday I was struggling quite a lot...I am beginning to cough a lot now (normal for cancer in the lungs) I also lose my breath occasionally now too...I thought I would try to "FAKE" it and go out to the lake, but with every conversation tears would well up all around the campfire and it just got to the point where I couldn't be around people...unfortunately we only had one car out at the lake and I didn't want to stay...I wanted to go home and get in my bed....Jim was out on the lake fishing with my BIL...I knew he needed to have some "I don't want to think about cancer anymore" time and I am sure my BIL also told him if he needed anything to lean on him...they have been best friends since I started dating Jim and my Sister was still dating Steve. So I climbed into my truck and fell asleep...Jim felt so bad when he came off the water, but I know he needed that time on the lake...he brought me home and tucked me into bed at 8:20 p.m.....I know I'm such the party animal lately huh?? lol

Sunday I woke up in pain, I really didn't want to do anything but spend the day in bed sleeping (it's quite the escape when one needs one) but Jim talked me into breakfast and I had 2 cups of coffee and was ready to take on the world instead of taking to my bed! Yeah me!!! lol So out I went to the lake...what a beautiful day...took a ride out on the pontoon with the girlzz which we call the "Booze Cruise" since many of them where hung over and I was not, they were drinking bloody mary's and I was drinking pomegranate juice....I did have a beer much later in the afternoon while I fished (and caught nothing off the dock! lol) I am sooo glad I changed my mind about going out instead of staying in!

Thank you all for your thoughts and your prayers and your best wishes and for those of you that have been reading me for awhile and finally introduced yourselves...every comment left is like a great big ole hug and who doesn't like hugs right???? I am supposed to have an early dinner with another group of girlfriends...I am a bit wiped out today but I'm trying the coffee thing again and hope I get the energy to do so!

Tomorrow I start chemo again....I have an appointment early in the morning so if I am able I will do a quick entry when I get back.

Love to you all!


Saturday, April 21, 2007

Tears, Fears and Cheers!

My Jim came home yesterday afternoon and all is right in my world for the moment...blessings come in all sizes and you really need to be keenly aware of them and thankful when they happen. I had to give my Jim my bad news over the the end of the quick conversation I heard his voice crack....that man has been a rock all of our 21 years together  and at least being out of town and alone he was finally able to let loose the grief he has been holding back for my sake.....if he was home or with me he would of been my soft place to land, or something life would provide him with yet another interruption....but alone in that hotel room he finally was free of all of his daily bonds and grieved and I am thankful for we see why he was to be out of town and why I was to go to that Doctors appointment all by myself even though many asked to accompany me.

The oldest of our two children were finally told yesterday afternoon as well as the rest of my larger family...each is having a terrible time dealing with the news....My Melissa is so much like me and pissed as hell and all the "what's next as far as options" My Amanda is the soft soul with the large tears and bigger fears...I am going to see the house she just rented in a few minutes and maybe share some breakfast together...My Rachel, my angry at the world child is hiding her fears, but her Doctor as well as myself has seen through the facade and she is now on anti-depressants....My Son...the little old man trapped in the 14 year old body has taken over the head of household role until his Father came home and on his own cleaned the hell out of my house......all three floors and I am so very grateful...he too tries to hide how this is effecting him, he has always been my worrier..the Doctor now has him on anxiety meds....cancer isn't only effecting my life but everyone that cares and loves me and I hate being responsible for bringing so much pain... but we will all deal and I will be back to my feisty self come Tuesday......I am soooo ready to get this started so I can look at cancer and say, "Na na na na na naaaaaaaa!"

Oh, and of course the universe had to throw in "let's break her clothes dryer now too!" Dirty Rat Bass Turds!!! lol lol lol

That just happens to be my all time favorite expression...........Oops, My Bad!!! lol lol lol

Also, a million I love you's too all of you who stop by and cheer up my days....special people you all are and I hope everyone that you love knows that about you! And as far as for my readers that have yet to introduce yourself via the comment section......come on out and say Hi, I would love to get to know you as well!

Today is a beautiful day and I am out the door to enjoy it!





Friday, April 20, 2007

Reeling but dealing.....

As usual my intuition was correct...that tiny voice telling me that my cancer was back and that it's bad. Words that not only hurt my family, my friends but words that will hurt so many of you.

I met with one of Dr. Serious's Associates who us also an Associate Teaching Professor at a leading Medical University here in Chicago...I really liked her style and we clicked instantly. Before she could talk I told her that I knew that my cancer was back and that I knew that for it to have reoccurred so soon that it really never left my body, I told her what I didn't know was what they (Doctors) were going to do to try to stop it from taking my life. What I wasn't prepared for was the news that because it is in at least 4 possibly 5 places in BOTH lungs that they are unable to operate and remove them....1, 2 and possibly 3 places they can remove with an operation...3 or more leaves me with lungs that resemble swiss cheese...understood that analogy immediately.

The other blow to my heart was the fact that I am no longer considered curable, I will be what the medical field refers to as a Chronic Cancer Patient the rest of my life, my only hope now is for remission and that people can go a long time in remission before having to do battle again...with my cancer we never know where it will show up next. I did not know until late after noon yesterday if indeed it was my BC because of the drug Tomaxifen that I have been taking since ending chemo in January masked the tumors biopsy giving it a false negative to testing for estrogen receptive/progesterone receptive positive resultls indicating that for sure it was my BC that spread to my they now had to look at the tumors that were taken out of my left breast in August of last year and compare them to the tissue that was taken out of the tumor in my right lung and it was a match...So for sure it is my BC that spread and believe it or not, that is the good news...many, many more options with BC than with Lung I am happy with the diagnosis.

Tuesday morning I start chemo again...this time in a pill form that I will be taking twice a day for 2 weeks, then a week off then two more weeks on then one week off and then I will be given another scan to see if there has been a change in the tumor, nodes and nodules...if there is a decrease in size then I am on the right meds if not if they grow or spread some more, a new chemo drug will be given.  Still some more good news in this heart breaking entry is that the drugs I will be taking now during this round of chemo will not be as harsh on my body as the AC and T drugs that I took before and I most likely will be keeping my new hair, eyebrows and eyelashes....yahooooo! I don't mind being ill, I mind looking ill, it makes everyone who see's me uncomfortable. I get the look "OMG she has cancer, I wonder if she's dying?" or the look where they briefly envision themselves in my shoes and they look as if they are going to throw up.....or worse yet it takes them back to a time when they lost a loved one to cancer and I see the heart break revisited in their eyes....that one gets to me! No harm done, no harm taken with those looks...if it makes them re-evaluate what they are doing wrong in their life or for their life then stare away.

Cancer was found in 4 places in my right lung....the tumor in the top right portion of my lung, the right subcarinal lymph node and the right lower hilar lymph node as well as the left upper hilar lymph node in my left lung...I also have several small nodules in both lungs that are too small to detect cancer and will be watched during chemo to see if they disappear altogether.

Treatment and hopefully remission will allow time...another silver lining in this is that breast cancer study is at the for front of most cancers and new drugs and new treatments are being developed every I have many things to try to save me and give me more time with my Jim and my kids....I am NOT terminal yet and as long as I have options I will battle like the PINK WARRIOR that I am!!!

So I think I will have a great summer after all even if my boobs are a lil lopsided in all those cute summer tops I bought...hmmmmm duct tape anyone?? lmaooooo

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Where my "heart" is at today....4-18-07

When things are no longer able to cause harm to my heart is when I am able to share them in my blog....I have to wait until I feel safe enough from them to let them out of my head and out into the universe...once purged I am able to go on with my day and on with my life.

This past week or so as been pretty unbearable.....not so much because I will soon find out that the cancer really never left my body even after surgery, chemo and Tomaxifen but because of more personal issues....matters of my heart. First and foremost one being that Jim had to go out of town on business this week....he has become my security blanket through the ordeal we walked through together, hand in hand and heart to heart last summer...he informed work that after this week he will not be traveling again until his wife is well....He works for one of the top Fortune 500 companies in the world and we are very grateful that they are very generous with their employees and their families....He is also a Union Member which helps to protect these perks.

Secondly I have had to deal with some words that were spoken to me without the people being aware of how much they stung.....from my own family members. I have one older Brother and one older Sister, if we weren't related we would never be friends....I am sure that many of you can relate to that fact. I have never been able to lean on my Sister because I was always the stronger one, she was always angry with me because good things always seem to fall in my lap and she has had to work for everything she has. I understand her anger, but I am not responsible for my good fortune, therefore I should be made to feel bad because my life as been an easy one since overcoming our difficult childhoods.

While having a weak moment this past weekend...well, actually I was pretty weepy all weekend...I once again wanted to speak what was on my fears that I might not overcome this new battle with cancer...where she immediately went into a tirade about just because I am ready to talk about this, that I shouldn't assume everybody is ready to hear went along the lines of "This isn't all about you Kim"....Oh so I guess the Patient isn't allowed to let her guard down, let her fears escape her many issues in this relationship that even if I lived to 100 I could not get to the bottom of it. In the end after I bit her back (metaphorically speaking of course! lol)  she apologized and reminded me once again that she knows that anger is always her first reaction and that she knows that it isn't always PC, but she's 45 years old and she's not about to change her ways now...a "reality check" for me once again not to think  I can rely on her for think I wouldn't have to have the lesson taught to me every 5 to 6 years but I do....and I am sad for that.

The other thing that happened to me that hurt my heart took place 2 weekends ago...the night of my Pet Scan when I was out with 2 friends and my SIL...My SIL has a drinking problem and will be the first to admit it and be the first one to tell you she is not ready for change be it, I am not her babysitter. So after the night out, my friends and I knew my SIL was in no condition to drive so once again I took the keys away from her and drove her home while my friends followed behind me in my truck....during this 15 minute car ride I made my mission statement about never to sit in a smoking section again ( I blogged about that a few entries down) where she proceeds to interrupt me to tell my that my cancer had nothing to do with 2nd hand smoke, mine is BC that spread to my lungs....regardless there is no prove on either side of that argument but I was just stating the fact that I won't subject myself to anymore lung damage. This is when she proceeds to tell me that if that was the case then it is she that is dealing with cancer and not I....yup, you read that right...well lets just say my Irish temper flared just a wee bit...And sarcastically I said,"Oh! That's funny because I had a breast removed last summer due to cancerous tumors and also went through 4 hellish months of Chemotherapy and after 3 months of thinking I won I recently learned that it has now spread to my lung, but you're the one dealing with cancer and not me?" Let's just say that the ride home and the attempt to get her into her home resulted in me hurting myself while my GF who is on oxygen and I picked her up off the ground several times before she made it into the house.

She called me the next morning to thank me for driving her home and that is when I told her that I think it's time she do something about her drinking, that I am concerned that there won't always be someone there to make sure she gets home safely and that she should seriously think about getting some help...I made no mention of the conversation we had on the ride home...this moment was about her...I told her that I loved her and that I think she is a bright, articulate, beautiful woman but when she is drunk she is no longer any of these...did it smart? I'm sure it did....did it do any good...I don't know just yet, but what I do know is that she really paced herself this weekend out at the lake and you could see she was definitely having a hard time doing it...My Sister who is more of an IN-YOU-FACE kind of person wants to do a full intervention...I handled it more kindly then my Sister is capable of...which tactic would best suit my SIL is still up in the air.

It's just been a very difficult week or so with me and I feel as if I was caught off guard with a jab to the gut, and upper right cut then a TKO and that I am now still looking for the smelling salt.

Good Lord did I need to get this entry out of my system...I usually never go this deep with people in my life, when it's too close it hurts too much but I needed to do this entry more than I thought. This entry will never make it into the family is not my intent to hurt my family members or shame them but this blog is my blog and where I am safe to share my thoughts without worrying if it will hurt someone elses feelings.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Fear and Loathing....Oh yeah and Happy Hour Later! lol

Cancer and fear surround me
like shards of broken glass
I am afraid to move
afraid to cut myself
and bleed to death
on the thoughts that
run through in my head

This time I have foreboding
this time I feel as if I
have been cheated
I gave of myself
flesh and blood
to stop this from claiming me

I took the poison that
is used to kill this disease
chemo is it's name
only to find out
that it is I who will be
claimed by cancer after all
if I am once again
resistant to the poison

Weakness is not easy
for me to expose
it makes others uneasy
as they sit on the sidelines
and watch me do battle
so I'll remain quiet and keep
my fears to myself
as I once again
battle with the face
of a warrior
that wasn't a mask before
as it is this time around.

kmh 2007


Just as these thoughts enter my mind, my spark for life ignites once again and I am joyful for this day, for this day I do not have to do battle with cancer, this day will be spent with friends and people who love me so for today I win......I'm still afraid to shop (for myself) for I hear the whisper of dead people don't shop, sometimes I wish I could turn off the head noise........most days I can if I keep my mind occupied, it is in the darkness of night and the quiet moments of the day these whispers speak loudly to many what if's? so many I love you's! So many I am sorry's....The only question now is how much time....a few months, a few years, a few more decades...I won't really know the answer to that question until after this battle is over and we once again search for this ugly disease that seems as stubborn as myself to claim victory.

There are days where I feel it has already claimed my sanity and then something in life presents itself and life goes on for the day...those moments a precious to's diversion will be a late lunch with some girlfriends and will be including Happy Hour......Bartender, MAKE MINE A DOUBLE! lol lol lol

Ok, after writing this earlier this morning I did run out and buy myself! Even the fear of death can't keep me from a really good shoe sale! lmaoooooo I'm on my way to happy hour!!!!!

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Ready to rumble!!!! lol

Ok, since I was none to pleased with the errors and contradictions I found in my Pet Scan report and summary, I contacted the Radiology Department on Friday, to get to the bottom of this...If any treatment is to be based on what that report stated then they better have the right information! They had my BC in my right breast...WRONG it was the left one although the new tumor is in the right lung, they also had a CT comparison date of January 32, 2007......I must have not gotten that memo on January's extra day this year. I was told by the Radiology Dept to call my Oncologist who ordered the test go over the discrepancies and have the Doctor reorder an amended report...I am only a layman in reading these reports what else was incorrect that I DIDN'T catch??

I also asked that as soon as the Pathology report was available on my Lung Biopsy that I start treatment immediately, whatever that might be. I was told my Onc will be on vacation all next week....Ok, I'm not waiting can I see an associate of his...yes I the report is due back no later than Wednesday, so Thursday I have an appointment at 11:00 a.m. Chemo could be re- started that same day....or they may want to schedule surgery and cut out the tumor and I am sure radiation is in my future this time around...I was told that even though my Onc would be on vacation, his associates who will be dealing with me then will all be unanimous in the correct treatment plan for me this time around....again I wish I could fast forward to the healing part...I'm not looking forward to chemo again and if it's going to be even longer than before ( 8 treatments = 4 months ) I think I will break down and seemed the longer I was into chemo the harder it was on me emotionally and physically...."CURE" is such a beautiful word.....until then all I have is "HOPE."

I am just starting to lose my fingernails from my first attempt at kicking this cancer butt...can't really feel too much discomfort in that just yet thanks to the Peripheral Neuropathy (numbness in fingers and my toes) another blessing in disguise of sorts. So here I am back at square one getting ready to do it all over up is not an option........

People who need People

When  you open yourself up to the universe, even at the risk of getting hurt what comes back to you can be glorious! Even with cancer my cup runneth over with love and joy at how as people we connect...there are reasons paths cross and people collide with each others lives.

Wednesday while waiting for a friends test to be finished at the hospital my cell phone rings and it's pre-operation/pre testing wanting to up date my current info and update my health records, I could only find one small area where I could get a good phone signal and a chair...this conversation took 23 minutes of my health history in a nutshell...I could see an older woman trying to read but also listening in on my phone conversation...when the call was over she informed me that she too is a BC Survivor but now at 4 years into it, it has returned and is all through her bones already...not a happy ending....we shared our stories, exchanged first names and both said we would pray for one another...Helen gave me the gift of knowing that my news about my reoccurrence was not as bad as hers....again proving that someone always has it rougher than you at any given you instant and amazing perspective.

My Second blessing that came to me that day was after finishing up at the hospital, my friend and I decided pancakes were in order, we go to a pancake house that neither one of us has been to before.(do you feel another collision of lives coming together for a purpose yet??) The hostess who is again older than myself seats us and my friend asks where the restrooms are located....(me the one with new hair growing in, her on the oxygen tank) As my friend walks away the hostess asks if she can know just what our illnesses being the open book tells her that I have cancer that apparently wasn't kicked and has now spread to my right lung and my GF has Pulmonary Fibrosis.

She asks if I am a religious person, I tell her no, but that I am a very spiritual person, she asks if I knew who Pope John Paul the Second was, I nod...she then tells me that before he became gravely ill he blessed (with Holy Water) a large amount of medals and people that have been praying to him with those medals have been healed, blessed, given what they were looking for as far as jobs, spouses....whatever they prayed for and now Pope John Paul is being considered for Sainthood....She then tells me she has been given a small number of these medals and this is the point that I ask her if there is anyway I could just hold one for a moment....

She tells me," No, Dolly I want you to have it, one for you and one for you friend!' and precedes to go to her purse to bring them to my table, now my friend returns from the bathroom and see's me quite moved and I explain quickly to her what had just taken place and I tell her do you see that how when you open yourself up to people how people respond and wonderful things  are shown to you...bestowed to you! The Hostess places a medal into both of our hands and while she is asking our names and full diagnosis to add us to the Catholic order of Nuns to pray for us monthly...I don't realize how tightly I am holding this medal until my hand starts to bleed because of my own fingernails digging into my skin...I was so moved that a total stranger cared enough about another total stranger to try and find a way to bring peace to my life.

The power of people helping people always amazes me and humbles me at the same time and I always try and stay open to all possibilities and find out just what encounters with total strangers are to bring to one another. Will this medal heal me? I have no idea.....but the peace just holding that medal in my hand brings me washes over my heart and my soul....whatever my outcome, I have had a very blessed life and I am thankful!

Friday, April 13, 2007

And a quick side note too! (feeling much better)

Side Note....

I think because of my recent health issues I won't be able to participate with my family members in the Breast Cancer Y-Me walk here in Chicago on Mother's Day...even though I won't be able to walk, the funds that I will/have raise(d) will still go towards all the free services that the Y-Me Foundation provides.

So for those of you that have already pledged I adore you for this...for those of you that would like to please go to my personal page that the Y-Me Foundation provides and can do so in my honor or the honor of who you wish...I wanted to walk in honor of anyone touched by cancer...not only breast cancer, so even though I might not be able to do the walk, I want to still attend on the side lines while my team (which is my family, walks for me) If you would like me to add a name to my T-Shirt of who I walk for please drop me an email and I will add it to my shirt if I am well enough to attend....Stephanie and Trish please know you are already on my list....and Jeanne so is your Allen! If I am to ill by Mother's Day my T-shirt and my family will walk it for me....big family - big love!

So please help me in my walk to ...."SAVE THE TA TA'S" lol lol lol

Y-ME National Breast Cancer Organization: Race to Empower - Chicago:

Just a quick update!

I didn't get home until almost 5:30....long day! I was asked if I was in any pain and I had to retort, "Only when I breath!" The Nurse assigned to me had her last chemo round last year..her cancer? Breast Cancer! It's amazing why people's path cross isn't it? She called down to see if I was suppose to be experiencing this kind of pain and they told her no....enter Vicodin. Within a half an hour I was able to take in a decent amount of air in without o2 levels never dropped below 92 and a chest x-ray was ordered 4 hours after the test to make sure there wasn't any fluid building up in my lungs (standard procedure)

Sleep was not restful....kinda hard to get into a good REM when every time you move, you kinda wince in pain...even though another vicodin did help some...rolling over in bed was a major OUCH!

So today I will take to my bed, try and catch up on some mind is as weary as my body right now....there is no such thing as a good day when there wasn't a good night spent before it!

I want to thank the many wonderful J-Landers that have reached out through the net to brighten up many of my days! Jeanne as usual your timing and choice of cards were was waiting for me when Jim and I came home and have no idea how much that quilt meant to me...I stayed wrapped up in it all night and it's the perfect shade of pink! lol Every commenter has touched my life and my heart so much that I will never forget your kindness and the way you carried me on the days that I stumbled.

I am blessed yet again with wonderful on-line friends and every time something good comes from me sharing this journey with the WWW and I inadvertently help someone else... it will be in honor of all thatyou gave to me!



Thursday, April 12, 2007

Say What???? lol

Pathology Impression

1. The 19 x 18 mm right lower lobe pulmonary nodule is abnormally metabolically active and is malignant until proven otherwise. (hense the lung biopsy later this morning) There is evidence for metastases to the 16 mm right subcarnial lymph node, lower right hilar, upper left hilar lymph nodes.

2. The small pulmonary nodules seen on ct scan as well as the small anterior mediastinum lymph nodes do not demonstrate abnormal metabolic activity.  The T10 sclerotic lesion also does not demonstrate abnormal metabolic activity.

3. Residual apparent post operative changes involving the left breast (new boob)

I found a lot of type o's on this report also on the full summary (Thanks Mary!) they even had my cancer marked for the wrong boob....I wil get to the bottom of this before they do anything more than this lung biopsy one of my pathology report contradicts some things on the second page summary.

I will be having my C/T Cat Scan guided needle biopsy on my right lung(say that 3 times fast! lol) this morning....I have to be at the Hosptal by 9:30 a.m. for an 11:00 a.m test....I will be given a "twilight" drug for the procedure and the test itself should only be about an hour long but I have to stay there for 4 hours after the test is finished to make sure that there hasn't been any bleeding or air entering or leaving the site of the biospy area...I had no problem with the needle biopsy of my breast last summer but the thought of a needle entering my lung makes me wanna say "POP!" enter warped sense of humor giggle here!lol

I should know what we are dealing with exactly by late afternoon Monday...I have a feeling it will surgery first, then some more rounds of chemo and radiation this least that is what my intuition is screaming in my ear for the last couple of days...whatever it is....I'm ready for it!

I won round one, I'll win round 2.....I'm not going anywhere just yet! Reason one, Jim and the kids of course....reason two.....I'm finally getting my body back PLUS new and improved, perkier boobs and I want to show it all off this summer! MY BAD!!!! lol lol lol

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

A really great quote!

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.... You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
--Eleanor Roosevelt--

If someone would have told me how at some point in my life I would have to dig deep and overcome things that I never thought I could  overcome..... I would have never believed them.

I don't like to be sick, when I was sick before BC (Before Cancer) I sure did whine and complain about it. I have always been on the feisty side so nothing ever kept me down for long, but I remember thinking I didn't think I could handle anything sicker than a flu or something. Often I hear from people that  don't think they could be as strong as I am in the face of dealing with cancer once and then quickly again...I never thought I would be able to be this strong either...I thought I would whine and complain and whoa is me and lock myself up in my room and wait for death to come claim me. That quote above holds the truth.....Now if this was Jim (everybody knock on wood!) I know I would crumble and die...but it's me and I love him so very much so I am not about to give up and abandon the life and love we have for one another. Nothing would be sadder for me to have to walk along my path in life without him by my side...I could not even imagine going 10, 20, 30 or 40 more years without that man.....not even a day.....and I now that he feels the same way I do....So he is my drive, my strength to get through what I have already been through with cancer and chemo and what I still have in my path ahead of me.

Many nights we lay in bed face to face, looking into each others faces and talk about our life together....past, present and future and we have more conversations in the dark about important matters than I think we ever do by the light of day...maybe that's because life gets busy during the day and we don't have time for those kind of moments...we have the kids to deal with, and he works extremely hard to provide and give the gift of me being able to stay home and raise our own children... we have a full social life that keeps us busy and very it's those times in the dark that we have those moments....those conversations...the time to tell each other how happy we make one another.

He has given me the perfect life...."My" perfect life...there is not anything that I am lacking, Iam spoiled rotten, have been all my life and he knew that before and he married me anyway! lol He spoils me more than I ever was before and I adore him! I remember there was a time when all the guys were giving him a hard time about just how spoiled I really am and even though they meant no harm by it, he felt the need to "Check" them.....he told them she is the most important person/thing in his life, why wouldn't I want to see her happy? I make Kim happy because I can and because I love her and she gives back just as much.....that kinda made them re-evaluate their own marriages and how they very rarely put their own wives first...and it shut them up for good! just two people we are far from perfect, but we are perfect for each other and that's all that matters!

My Philosophy on a good, strong marriage has always been...I put him before me and his needs are met and he puts me before him and my needs are met.....both of us are looked after and taken care of and loved immensely for doing for the both of us! Ü

I am a very lucky woman to have that man at my side, but I think many of you who know me very well....also know that I would have never settled for anyone less than My Jim!.....I'm sucha stinka! lol lol lol

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Todays word........GIDDY! lol

Ohh Happy Day!!!!

I was getting a lil nervous yesterday afternoon when I still hadn't heard from Dr. Serious.....I thought good news he would call me right away to share the good news and put my mind at ease....I called and left a message at 9:22 a.m. I wanted to know if he had the results of the PET Scan, if he ordered the blood work yet? And when is the needle biopsy?...It was soon 3:00 p.m. and I called again...One of his nurses called me back right away and said that the Doctor had received my earlier message......blah blah blah...he'll call you back as soon as he is finished with his patients for the day...I have no problem with that.....he is very thorough and he gives all of his patients his undivided attention.

3:30 the phone rings it's Dr. Serious......Kim that area in your lung did light up (Knew it intuition is soooo uncanny) He said my thyroid also lit up as well as some areas around my new boob....neither of those two things seemed to be of any importance to him...the thyroid always lights up he said for many different reasons and the new boob can be from the healing process....(my intuition tells me this will be a problem zone before this is all over) but I am thrilled that it isn't anywhere else in my other organs, no everybody Happy Dance!!!!!!

This morning I go for blood biggie and Thursday late morning I have the Cat Scan guided needle biopsy of the tumor in my lung...I know what it is, he knows what it is but he says crazier things have been found in doing these kind of lung biopsy's. I am sure it will test ER/PR positive just like my breast tumors did and that will be all.....treatment will be discussed after needle biopsy results are in.....whatever it is I am ready for it! This is such a small tumor and I have such a full life......

Oh cancer....I'm gonna win round two also....I told ya, you don't stand a chance with me!!!! lol lol lol

Monday, April 9, 2007

Soap Box, High Horse? WHATEVER!!!! lol lol lol

Well, today I should hear the results of the PET Scan....the waiting is killing me (not sure if a cancer patient should use that term anymore! lol kinda freaks everyone out! lol) When I have to sit and wait, I'm not doing anything else to combat this cancer....I wish I could have started a treatment already as soon as I found out about the new cancer last Monday.

I had a very insane week, I did cry at crazy times but mostly spent the week laughing with girlfriends....Friday after the PET Scan which ended at 2:00 p.m. we all went out till midnight....I must have laughed so much that I pulled a muscle in my left side chest wall....the rib hurts just below the new boob...I spent a very uncomfortable night trying to sleep and breath at the same has become even more painful and I will be talking to Dr. Serious (Onc) about it later the meantime I'm back on the vicodin.

I have also had a lot of time to think about other ways I can be proactive in buying more time here with my Jim and my kids. Most of our friends (lake friends) smoke.....the more they drink the more they smoke, so I made a decision that from now on I will never ever sit in the smoking section of a restaurant again.....a smoker can always leave the table and go to the bar and smoke....can you just see me the non smoker sitting down at a table of strangers seated in the non smoking section asking if I could sit with them for a few while my friends smoked through dinner and conversation? I said I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings but if they cannot go out to eat (which we all do a lot) and sit in the non-smoking section then please do not be offended if Jim and I decline the dinner invitation. He has never smoked and I quit 22 years ago.

They say an ex smoker is the most obnoxious...I am here to tell you that is the truth..I don't allow anyone to smoke in my home...if they are a guest in my home, they still have to smoke outside, no one is allowed to smoke in my vehicles...I have always refused for my kids to be driven anywhere with someone who thank you I will drive them and pick them up. I now know that my lungs are compromised and I'm not taking anymore chances....we all now smoking is hazardous to your health, it's on the damn packages...well it's hazardous to my health too. ...just to let you know my Sister still has not had a cigarette since finding out that my cancer has now spread to my lungs....silver lining in everything I tell ya!.....Kelly, YOU GO GIRL!!!!!

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Such a stubborn girl! lol lol lol

Last Monday when I got the news I immediately called Jim and asked him to come home....he was home in 30 minutes. During that 30 minutes I let a few tears slip, I called my closest girlfriends to let them know the results and I called my Mother.....none of them handled it very good. My one GF, Judy who is a 3.5 year lung cancer survivor (Yeah girl!) had a tumor the size of a lemon and they removed that portion of her lung and only gave her radiation. They told her at her last check up when she asked how come chemo was not an option for her they told her that they have made great strides in Lung Cancer since then and that if she was to be a new LC patient chemo would be a definite. My tumor is only the size of a nickel....piece of cake right!!! lol I am still holding my breath just a little because if the cancer has already spread to my lungs from the breast...just where else did it escape to? The PET Scan I had on Friday will answer that. So here are the scenarios....

It's just in my lung, in that one spot and it is my ER/PR positive Breast Cancer (Same kind Elizabeth Edwards had) and can easily be treated again with chemo, shutting down my ovaries with that new shot they have so I no longer produce estrogen and feed these blasted tumors that keep forming and/or just a simple surgery to remove the tumor and then some radiation. So it could just be surgery or surgery with chemo (again) or surgery with chemo and radiation. Either way it's nothing that I can't handle right?? Truly BEEN THERE DONE THAT! lol lol lol

Now of the PET Scan shows it has spread to other areas then it will be a whole new ball game. Am I up for the treatment? When you want to live you have no other choice but to give it all you got and warrior through it! In my heart I do not think this is the death of me...but since my cancer is so very aggressive (#3....that's tops on that scale) it's tougher to treat and keep in remission.....that's totally obvious now that the cancer still made it through 4 months of chemo, but then again so did I!!!

Good thing I am a stubborn Irish Woman huh? lol lol lol

And another thing happened that Monday..remember I went out with some of my GF's? Well, On the highway there was a SUV on it's side and they were using the jaws of life to extricate the occupants...even though I was told that afternoon that my cancer was back I still knew someone else was having a worse day than me at that moment....there is always a bigger picture and something to humble you by.

Saturday, April 7, 2007

A sincere question answered and a million Thank You's!

I want to thank all of you who have reached across the world wide web to bring me comfort...this blog lets me say what is on my mind, it's like a really good friend who just lets me talk without interruption and all the comments are what is to be said after I am finished talking. Just know that you all have touched my life in ways people that I interact with daily are incapable of and I love you all so much for that. J-Land is where we allow each other to speak our minds and not hold judgement....for those that have experienced something different than that unconditional love.....I am so sorry.

I had a great comment left from Kathy over
Secret Garden
She wanted to know just what do people want to hear when they are seriously ill or dying and what they don't want to many people are afraid to address the issue because they do not know what to say....I can tell you my thoughts on this.

First off an "I love you!" always gives the ill one a chance to say I love you back and sometimes that's all is needed. Those three little words carry so much meaning. Another one is "I am so sorry you are going through this, I can't even imagine how scared you might be!" Another one which will take a strong person to do is "Is there anything I can do for you that you don't think a loved one can handle?" and besides the "I love you" the next best one is to share with that person just how much they have meant to you, share an old memory, share an old story....let them know just how they touched your life or heart and if you can be specific about it. Saying I will pray for you is comforting, saying I think about you is wonderful, saying I wish there is something else I could do for you.....nice sentiments even though the person who is ill knows there is nothing to be done. Sometimes just a promise to call or visit is reassuring that they matter to you. We don't always want to talk or have visitors, no one likes others to see them when they are weak and vulnerable...wait for a good day and let them reach out to you...and don't think just because they aren't returning your calls or email that you must not matter to them, you do but they're dealing with something bigger at the moment.

What we don't want to hear when the news is really bad is that everything is going to be ok, ok came and went along time ago...I do not fear death for myself, like I said life or death is a win/win situation for me....stay and live with my loved ones here on Earth or go and be with my loved ones who have already tears are for my loved ones are who are going to go through watching me suffer and letting me go. I don't like being the one to cause that kind of pain....but it is the circle of life and we all must leave or be left by someone. And when they want to talk about possibly dying don't tell them to hush, even though you don't want to think about it, or go there in your mind that it might happen that person, the one who is ill needs to say it out loud..they must be heard! It took away some of my fear and made me feel that I got some of my power back. Not talking about death doesn't make it go away.

I have a friend that is very angry at God right now for this, I try to change her way of thinking, I am not angry at God, I am angry at cancer...She also wanted to know how I still handle everyday with a fighting spirit and where to I get the drive to keep can I not crawl up into my bed and let death take me? analogy was this.....think of the Grinch who stole Christmas and how very small his heart was, so small he could not see the wonderment all around him and when he finally got and I mean really got it,,,,, how much bigger his heart became...and he was able to take in all that truly was wonderful and important to him...that is what cancer gave heart is so big and full now.....every little thing I am thankful for and I am not going to go without a fight to have more time here, I am going to enjoy every moment that I have and give cancer only what I have to....a breast, an afternoon at the hospital, a day spent in bed, blood a few tears....but the rest of my time is mine and I want to spend it living it up! lol

I hope this give you all a lil more insight on what to do when this situation presents itself to you.

Life is good and I am thankful.....I just want more time....wish me more time!

Friday, April 6, 2007

Where my head is at today...4/6/07

My emotions are still all over the place, one minute I am fine and strong and think this is just another bump in my road and then the next minute I cannot ignore the voice in my head that says this is bad, very bad. For Cancer to come back so soon means that they never got it all in the first place. So maybe I wasn't a Stage IIB Breast Cancer patient after all.........obviously it has spread making me a Stage IIII. We really won't know exactly what type of cancer is now in my right lung until they do the needle biopsy. I am having the PET Scan done at noon today.....weird instructions and restrictions with only protein the night before and 6 hours before the test today, no physical activity 24 hours including vigorous walking.

I went with a friend to her Pulmonary (lung) Specialist yesterday, one reason to take notes for her, so she could remember all that was said and ordered and two, I wanted to ask a few questions of my now that it has spread to my lungs am I going to need a Lung M.D. myself? First he asked who my team of Doctors were, when I told them he said I was in excellent hands.....been hearing that from every person in the medical field I have spoke to since my cancer journey has began....reassurance is always good! He asked me if they knew what kind of cancer it was in my lungs yet and I told him that I have not had the needle biopsy a of yet. He said that if indeed it is the BC that has spread the lung which is a very common occurrence then it will be treated differently than if it is your regular run of the mill, so to speak lung cancer. The one good thing I have going for me besides all this love around me is that my Cancer is estrogen related....easiest type of cancer to treat....doesn't explain why it still made it through all that chemo though does it?

I finally had somewhat of a good cry late yesterday afternoon...there are only 2 people in my world that I can let my guard down long enough to do this and Jim is one of them of course and my Mother being the other. I really hate to break down in front of my Mother, I know the "Mother's pain" when my own children cry...your heart breaks right along with theirs and there isn't a damn thing you can do to ease their pain. The timing wasn't perfect either, I was driving back home from dinner with my stoic soon to be 16 year old daughter who thinks she is stronger emotionally than her other family members...I remember thinking that same damn thing when I was her age and I lost my Father. I self destructed for the next 5 years after he died...she too will shatter into a million pieces when she finally falls apart from it...I didn't let it out emotionally until I was well into my 30' about suppression huh?

When people are ill and I mean could be at deaths door sooner than they ever thought, they need to talk about first time around I only toyed with the idea of it could very well be a imminent possibility.....those who love me, can't get past the thought of it, but PLEASE let the person who is ill..speak their mind, speak their wishes no matter how difficult it is to listen this time we don't want reassurances that things will be ok.....things are NOT ok at the moment..we just want to know we are being heard and our wishes will be granted....just a lil insight when you have to deal with possibly losing someone.

I found a great quote in another blog I stumbled on yesterday, it was written by Sandra Day O'Connor

"We don't accomplish anything in this world alone ... and whatever happens is the result of the whole tapestry of one's life and all the weavings of individual threads from one to another that creates something."

Just know that you all have been a 'thread' in my life and what a beautiful tapestry you helped weave! I'm not giving up....I'm just taking a lil longer to bounce back this time!

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Good Times!

You have no idea how much I adore this man! We have been friends, bestest of friends since we were 10 years old! This is a man who knows everything there is to know about me and then some ;) He knows almost about me as much as Jim does, I don't hide anything...I have always been an open book.

I remember once when Oprah was looking for unusual friendships, on a whim I called and spoke to one of the Producers and began telling her the story of Kim and Jeff's excellent adventures....they wanted to book us for the show...I had to decline...for us to tell the world about our adventures as best friends was not the problem... for our Mothers to find out all the crazy things we did (and survived) would surely be the death of both of us! lol Even in our 40's we don't want the wrath only a Mother can bring down on a mischievous child who grew to be a mischievous adult! lol lol lol

He moved to L.A. back in the early 90's I missed him terribly! There is still a group of us since grade school who still keep in touch all these years. Back in the Spring of 2000, I went and spent 10 days with him in L.A. It was the first time that I was away from Jim and the kids, I thought my heart would break but as soon as I landed in L.A. I knew I would hate to return was fantastic!

I went to a private Hollywood Party at the Beverly Hills Hotel, I went and played on the beaches of Malibu, I went up into the Hollywood hills as close to the 'Hollywood' sign as I possibly could get....I danced in the street one a warm California night when we weren't ready for the night to end even though it was 4 O'clock in the morning...definitely good times! Happy memory for me for sure!

I remember the day of the private party, my Jeff took me to a salon owned by the cattiest, cutest gay men...I can't remember their names but boy the look over I got was scorching! lol They whispered to each other back and forth then both walked up to me and said...... "Emergency Head to Toe makeover!" They said the first thing we are going to do is get rid of that "Texas Beauty Queen Hair!" lol lol lol I have to admit it was BIG! So feeling very much Like Dorthy in the Wizard of Oz scene when they make her over to see the Wizard I let them have their way with me as to speak! lol And below was the finished product! I didn't realize what a good job they did at cleaning me up...I thought I hated the hair...but now looking back...I looked freaking fantastic! lmaooooo They did my hair, my make up and my clothes for the night...I was no longer a Chicago girl I was a California girl! Wooooo hooooo!

This also was the trip that me and a bunch of gay men took a road trip from L.A. to ain't had fun till you experience that, let me tell you! lmaooooo Yes, my friends my DH is a SAINT! ....but that trip is another story for another day....for sure! lol

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Talk about closing a door then opening a is amazing isn't it??

First of all my pity party for one had been canceled......NEXT!

I have to admit, I have been kinda free falling since my surgeon called to let me know that cancer has been found in my lung now....I am fine one minute, then scared the next, I have to many things I need to say that my loved ones aren't ready to hear. I know I would have a hard time hearing these things but they still need to leave my head via my will give me some of my power back.

I had those words with my Darling Jim at 4:00 o'clock this morning...I figured the darkness would hide what he has been hiding from me for a few days now....his fear, his pain in possibly losing me...he can't even talk about this, he's too afraid he will break down in front of me and you know all that manly stuff.....just not allowed! I couldn't bare to witness his heartbreak we both were hiding something in the dark of night.

Well, I just ran across a new blogger, dealing with the same illness I am and she IS just what I needed....she is strong (like me) slightly not right in the head (like me! lol) and uses her humor to warrior through this pain in the ass cancer that is all wrapped up with a pink ribbon.

You see when even the toughest begin to struggle, something or someone is placed right in the middle of their "here and now" and a life rope is handed to them ( I hope that I have done this for others as well)....a new can of whooooop Ass! Please stop over at her blog and take a read and introduce yourself....
The Uniboob Club Even the name of her blog sends me flying into the chits and giggles!

Oh Cancer?? I am ready for round 2 now! Oh, and by the way.........."Momma said, knock you out!"  lol lol lol

Just words trying to find meaning.....

Cancer you are the tears
that just rest on the edge of my eyes
My stubbornness refuses
to let them fall .... but
you are the reason I do lose
it, when I speak of my children
you are so cruel to those that love me.
You are the reason
my Husband has no words
and I hate you for that,
how dare you try to take me from him!
You are the breaker of
all  hearts who love me
You are the thief
vying for my life
You are the one
who steals hopes and dreams
You are the one
I am mad as hell at!
I am slowly gathering my
strength once again
this is to be my fate.
Even though you are still here
you will not beat me!
I may get ill, I may be defeated
and I may die, but hear this...
You will never steal me
from the hearts of those who love me
not even you have that kind of power.

kmh 2007

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Where my head is at today 4/3/07

1:40 p.m. Yesterday I awoke from an afternoon nap......something I haven't done since chemo (napping that is, not the waking part! lol) My cell phone is ringing, it's my Surgeon who calls me with the news I already knew but wanted to be told my intuition was wrong this time. When I heard the pap test was abnormal I panicked for about a minute then this little voice in the back of my head told me Kim, it's going to be alright....then we find the new lump in the right boob...momentarily panic or maybe I was just annoyed that this cancer shit wasn't ending but still I heard that little voice telling me don't worry...all is well.

When I was told the breast MRI showed a suspicious lesion on my lung......I waited for that little never spoke to me again. Having that dream over the weekend about going through my things and giving things away because I was dying was that little voice telling me my fate.

Do I think I am dying? Not just I think even though I won round 1 and now have to do round 2 that I am dying....little voice tells me no.....but that little voice tells me that is what will claim me when my time here on earth is through....either way it's a win/win situation for me......I fight this battle and win, I get to spend more time with loved ones......I fight this battle and loose and I get to spend some time with my loved ones who have already passed over to the other side......the ones that won't win are the ones I'll leave behind....we who are left behind hurt and grieve and feel the loss the most....I know this to be true because of those I have already lost.

For Jim's sake I pray not now, not this will be to painful for him, my children will suffer the most......loosing your parent when you are a child really messes you up and sometimes it takes years to see just how messed up you are/were.

Last night my GF called me who only at 39 is on an oxygen tank due to pulmonary fibrosis and our other GF who twitches up a storm because her nerves are shot since her Father died of lung cancer a few years ago decided in the wake of my bad news........happy hour was definitely there we were, one bald chick, one oxygenated chick and a twitching chick got a lil sloshed......I needed it, they needed it and today is a new day.


Me, Mar and Chelle

So I'm still working through some issues now but I wanted to thank all of you for once again carrying me when I am to weary to carry myself.....I don't know just how I feel right now but I'm working on that.

Just got the note that I had inadvertently put in march 3, 07.....Freudian slip? Happier time? probably a lil bit of both. Any way I changed it.

Monday, April 2, 2007

Well, I was feeling yellow.....

Now I'm just feeling...........numb.

It's back, I have a malignant tumor about 3 quarters of an inch in diameters...right lung, on the back just below my shoulder blade about 2 inches off my spine.

3 months to the day of my last chemo.....tests have been ordered for a few blood tests, a full PET scan (about time) and I will have a C/T guided needle biopsy just to see exactly what I am dealing with. I am still waiting for the times and dates, they are in the much for my new hair huh?? good thing I kept goldylocks and my Liza Minelli style eye lashes huh? I'm crying, laughing and pissed off all over again.

Round and round she goes, where she stops....nobody knows.


I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called "Yellow."


Just of few lines from Coldplay's song called "Yellow" I love the song and the color yellow! I believe the color yellow symbolizes my "life force"