When things are no longer able to cause harm to my heart is when I am able to share them in my blog....I have to wait until I feel safe enough from them to let them out of my head and out into the universe...once purged I am able to go on with my day and on with my life.
This past week or so as been pretty unbearable.....not so much because I will soon find out that the cancer really never left my body even after surgery, chemo and Tomaxifen but because of more personal issues....matters of my heart. First and foremost one being that Jim had to go out of town on business this week....he has become my security blanket through the ordeal we walked through together, hand in hand and heart to heart last summer...he informed work that after this week he will not be traveling again until his wife is well....He works for one of the top Fortune 500 companies in the world and we are very grateful that they are very generous with their employees and their families....He is also a Union Member which helps to protect these perks.
Secondly I have had to deal with some words that were spoken to me without the people being aware of how much they stung.....from my own family members. I have one older Brother and one older Sister, if we weren't related we would never be friends....I am sure that many of you can relate to that fact. I have never been able to lean on my Sister because I was always the stronger one, she was always angry with me because good things always seem to fall in my lap and she has had to work for everything she has. I understand her anger, but I am not responsible for my good fortune, therefore I should be made to feel bad because my life as been an easy one since overcoming our difficult childhoods.
While having a weak moment this past weekend...well, actually I was pretty weepy all weekend...I once again wanted to speak what was on my mind...my fears that I might not overcome this new battle with cancer...where she immediately went into a tirade about just because I am ready to talk about this, that I shouldn't assume everybody is ready to hear it....it went along the lines of "This isn't all about you Kim"....Oh so I guess the Patient isn't allowed to let her guard down, let her fears escape her mouth...so many issues in this relationship that even if I lived to 100 I could not get to the bottom of it. In the end after I bit her back (metaphorically speaking of course! lol) she apologized and reminded me once again that she knows that anger is always her first reaction and that she knows that it isn't always PC, but she's 45 years old and she's not about to change her ways now...a "reality check" for me once again not to think I can rely on her for anything...you think I wouldn't have to have the lesson taught to me every 5 to 6 years but I do....and I am sad for that.
The other thing that happened to me that hurt my heart took place 2 weekends ago...the night of my Pet Scan when I was out with 2 friends and my SIL...My SIL has a drinking problem and will be the first to admit it and be the first one to tell you she is not ready for change either...so be it, I am not her babysitter. So after the night out, my friends and I knew my SIL was in no condition to drive so once again I took the keys away from her and drove her home while my friends followed behind me in my truck....during this 15 minute car ride I made my mission statement about never to sit in a smoking section again ( I blogged about that a few entries down) where she proceeds to interrupt me to tell my that my cancer had nothing to do with 2nd hand smoke, mine is BC that spread to my lungs....regardless there is no prove on either side of that argument but I was just stating the fact that I won't subject myself to anymore lung damage. This is when she proceeds to tell me that if that was the case then it is she that is dealing with cancer and not I....yup, you read that right...well lets just say my Irish temper flared just a wee bit...And sarcastically I said,"Oh! That's funny because I had a breast removed last summer due to cancerous tumors and also went through 4 hellish months of Chemotherapy and after 3 months of thinking I won I recently learned that it has now spread to my lung, but you're the one dealing with cancer and not me?" Let's just say that the ride home and the attempt to get her into her home resulted in me hurting myself while my GF who is on oxygen and I picked her up off the ground several times before she made it into the house.
She called me the next morning to thank me for driving her home and that is when I told her that I think it's time she do something about her drinking, that I am concerned that there won't always be someone there to make sure she gets home safely and that she should seriously think about getting some help...I made no mention of the conversation we had on the ride home...this moment was about her...I told her that I loved her and that I think she is a bright, articulate, beautiful woman but when she is drunk she is no longer any of these...did it smart? I'm sure it did....did it do any good...I don't know just yet, but what I do know is that she really paced herself this weekend out at the lake and you could see she was definitely having a hard time doing it...My Sister who is more of an IN-YOU-FACE kind of person wants to do a full intervention...I handled it more kindly then my Sister is capable of...which tactic would best suit my SIL is still up in the air.
It's just been a very difficult week or so with me and I feel as if I was caught off guard with a jab to the gut, and upper right cut then a TKO and that I am now still looking for the smelling salt.
Good Lord did I need to get this entry out of my system...I usually never go this deep with people in my life, when it's too close it hurts too much but I needed to do this entry more than I thought. This entry will never make it into the family blog...it is not my intent to hurt my family members or shame them but this blog is my blog and where I am safe to share my thoughts without worrying if it will hurt someone elses feelings.