Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Where my "heart" is at today....4-18-07

When things are no longer able to cause harm to my heart is when I am able to share them in my blog....I have to wait until I feel safe enough from them to let them out of my head and out into the universe...once purged I am able to go on with my day and on with my life.

This past week or so as been pretty unbearable.....not so much because I will soon find out that the cancer really never left my body even after surgery, chemo and Tomaxifen but because of more personal issues....matters of my heart. First and foremost one being that Jim had to go out of town on business this week....he has become my security blanket through the ordeal we walked through together, hand in hand and heart to heart last summer...he informed work that after this week he will not be traveling again until his wife is well....He works for one of the top Fortune 500 companies in the world and we are very grateful that they are very generous with their employees and their families....He is also a Union Member which helps to protect these perks.

Secondly I have had to deal with some words that were spoken to me without the people being aware of how much they stung.....from my own family members. I have one older Brother and one older Sister, if we weren't related we would never be friends....I am sure that many of you can relate to that fact. I have never been able to lean on my Sister because I was always the stronger one, she was always angry with me because good things always seem to fall in my lap and she has had to work for everything she has. I understand her anger, but I am not responsible for my good fortune, therefore I should be made to feel bad because my life as been an easy one since overcoming our difficult childhoods.

While having a weak moment this past weekend...well, actually I was pretty weepy all weekend...I once again wanted to speak what was on my mind...my fears that I might not overcome this new battle with cancer...where she immediately went into a tirade about just because I am ready to talk about this, that I shouldn't assume everybody is ready to hear it....it went along the lines of "This isn't all about you Kim"....Oh so I guess the Patient isn't allowed to let her guard down, let her fears escape her mouth...so many issues in this relationship that even if I lived to 100 I could not get to the bottom of it. In the end after I bit her back (metaphorically speaking of course! lol)  she apologized and reminded me once again that she knows that anger is always her first reaction and that she knows that it isn't always PC, but she's 45 years old and she's not about to change her ways now...a "reality check" for me once again not to think  I can rely on her for anything...you think I wouldn't have to have the lesson taught to me every 5 to 6 years but I do....and I am sad for that.

The other thing that happened to me that hurt my heart took place 2 weekends ago...the night of my Pet Scan when I was out with 2 friends and my SIL...My SIL has a drinking problem and will be the first to admit it and be the first one to tell you she is not ready for change either...so be it, I am not her babysitter. So after the night out, my friends and I knew my SIL was in no condition to drive so once again I took the keys away from her and drove her home while my friends followed behind me in my truck....during this 15 minute car ride I made my mission statement about never to sit in a smoking section again ( I blogged about that a few entries down) where she proceeds to interrupt me to tell my that my cancer had nothing to do with 2nd hand smoke, mine is BC that spread to my lungs....regardless there is no prove on either side of that argument but I was just stating the fact that I won't subject myself to anymore lung damage. This is when she proceeds to tell me that if that was the case then it is she that is dealing with cancer and not I....yup, you read that right...well lets just say my Irish temper flared just a wee bit...And sarcastically I said,"Oh! That's funny because I had a breast removed last summer due to cancerous tumors and also went through 4 hellish months of Chemotherapy and after 3 months of thinking I won I recently learned that it has now spread to my lung, but you're the one dealing with cancer and not me?" Let's just say that the ride home and the attempt to get her into her home resulted in me hurting myself while my GF who is on oxygen and I picked her up off the ground several times before she made it into the house.

She called me the next morning to thank me for driving her home and that is when I told her that I think it's time she do something about her drinking, that I am concerned that there won't always be someone there to make sure she gets home safely and that she should seriously think about getting some help...I made no mention of the conversation we had on the ride home...this moment was about her...I told her that I loved her and that I think she is a bright, articulate, beautiful woman but when she is drunk she is no longer any of these...did it smart? I'm sure it did....did it do any good...I don't know just yet, but what I do know is that she really paced herself this weekend out at the lake and you could see she was definitely having a hard time doing it...My Sister who is more of an IN-YOU-FACE kind of person wants to do a full intervention...I handled it more kindly then my Sister is capable of...which tactic would best suit my SIL is still up in the air.

It's just been a very difficult week or so with me and I feel as if I was caught off guard with a jab to the gut, and upper right cut then a TKO and that I am now still looking for the smelling salt.

Good Lord did I need to get this entry out of my system...I usually never go this deep with people in my life, when it's too close it hurts too much but I needed to do this entry more than I thought. This entry will never make it into the family blog...it is not my intent to hurt my family members or shame them but this blog is my blog and where I am safe to share my thoughts without worrying if it will hurt someone elses feelings.

39 comments:

topazscorpio27 said...

You know it amazes me that when someone says something like,"It isn't all about you." they fail to see that they want it to be all about them!  You should never apologized for being blessed with good things in your life and don't forget you did work too.  You can get good things but you have to work to maintain them and you do that!  Sorry, about your hubby being out of town hopefully, he'll be back soon!  -Dawn-

nhd106 said...

A lot of stuff here...and a whole lot of pain.   This is not something you need in your life right now.   The good news is that Jim is completely and utterly by your side.   The other good news is that you're able to know when to express yourself and when to stay quiet.  You're smart that way!
In fact, from what I can tell, you're smart is many ways!
Many hugs to you,
Nancy

inquestoftruth said...

Some folks have a hard time dealing with things that hurt them....and so they handle things all wrong, and others get hurt.    (Some folks are just that selfish, though)      I know things are tough enough without the added hurt by family.    From reading your blog, I gather that you are one special chick; gutsy, brave, smart, and I admire your strength.  
~Meg
PS:  I do believe in miracles, and I am still praying for yours.

siennastarr said...

Amazing, isn't it?  How downright mean and thoughtless some people can be?  I don't blame you for being upset, Kim.. at both your sister and  your SIL.  I would have been too.  You are trying so hard to be strong and keep your spirit and outlook up, but there are times when you just need to vent and be afraid.  It's just sad that people don't understand that.  Those remarks they both made were totally uncalled for.  
I don't have lung cancer, but damned if I want to or will sit in a smoking section.  I refuse.  I will sit outside first.  That's what a stubborn little bitch I am about it.  I'm not going to sit there and smell all that second hand smoke!  I had to do it when I was a kid, but I do NOT have to do it now!

I'm glad you felt you could come to your journal and get all those feelings out in the open.  Sometimes, it's amazing how much better you feel when you get it all down on paper!

Hugs and love and continued prayers
Jackie

candlejmr said...

I agree 100% with Meg.  Some people get so upset about things that are hurting the ones the love and they lose all of their "smarts" and say things that are hurtful...and sometimes I don't even think they know it.  Others are just down right selfish.  Not knowing your sister or your SIL, I don't know which category they fall into but I am sure you do.  My feeling is that you have enough to deal with in your life right now and there is no room in it for selfish people.  As loving and caring and giving as you are, this time in your life needs to be about YOU...and your husband and your kids and any family and friends who want to love you and care for YOU.  It's totally about you right now and the rest of those people in your life are going to have to learn to deal with it.....and the fact that the world doesn't always revolve around them!

Sending you love and ((hugs)) today and always,
Jeanne

canyonsun04 said...

CRASH COURSE: Free Radical Damage is behind ALL CANCER. It is a single CELL that has divided into two because it looses and atom, the it steals off another.  WHEN it happens to be the CANCEROUS cell that divdes it is now dividing far more then you and I can single handly count a SECOND.   SMOKING, 1st hand, 2nd hand, 10th hand CAUSES free radicals, as does pollution, living in the overal planet.  But smoking will cause MORE free radical damage.  And the more cells that  lose an atom to steal another is all it takes for the wrong Cell to be cancerous is all it takes.  So avoiding all forms of smoke is essential.  And using the correct sunscreen and moderation also helps. Smoking and Sun, bad bAd BAD.  So your right to avoid smoking sections. In Ohio you can no longer smoke in a public place. It's wonderful.
Love
Angie
I'm glad you got all this out in your blog, it's poisen to leave it inside your soul. PURE poison sista

lanurseprn said...

When my best friend Joe was fighting his Cancer the first time, his closest cousin was going through a horrible divorce.  She leaned on Joe so much. One day, on the phone, she says "Joe, just be happy ALL you have to deal with is Cancer!"  Joe was hurt beyond belief!  They've been distant since.  People just don't get it.  They think it's a piece of cake unless they've gone through it themselves.
I'm sorry you had to go through this.  You're strong. Focus on you right now. Get YOU well.  Let the others deal with the one who drinks.
Love to you
Pam

deshelestraci said...

Bless you.  You have more than enough to deal with without unsupportive relatives.  Blog on.  Say what needs to be said, for your sanity.
Traci

dplkjl said...

After years of trying to figure out people and their dumb comments, I have come to the conclusion that it almost always comes from the people you love the most (thus the sting) and that it is usually because they are too weak to deal with the real issue.  The mind will only see what the heart wants it to see...I think somewhere they know how hard it will be for them to face this head on and they deflect it and make it something else then they buy themselves some time.  Not exactly being fair to the person who needs understanding the most right now...but maybe if you look at it as an ironic sign of love it will be easier to handle.  When smart people do dumb things it is always more about their issues, you know?  Well, whatever it is, it is what it is and I am glad you got it out and you feel better.  If there was ever a time to let it all go and concentrate on you 100% it is now!  When you feel their dumb comments seeping into your world concentrate on that amazing hubby of yours and your beautiful children and you...because that really is all that matters - let the others be alone with their issues! Feel better!  :)  -Kelly

scotthlori said...

I get really irritated with folks how have this "I am who I am" mantanity.  It's a cop out!  It allows them to just "sit" with who they are and not do the work that it takes to improve themselves.

And I know what you mean about family.  They are always the ones that can hurt us to the most too.  *sigh*

LORI

Who I am… underneath it all:  
http://journals.aol.com/scotthlori/DiscoveringMe

scotthlori said...

lol ... errr, sorry, I meant "mentality".  :o~~~

LORI

pharmolo said...

It's good to get things off your chest, and you are very courageous to do it in a public place like this.

rayne1123 said...

i understand what you said about family.  my mom is like your sister and it has been hard my whole life.  i have half brothers and sisters and i have never felt like we were related at all.  i pray for your cancer to be 100% gone.  your husband is a great man for sticking by your side the way he has, not every man is able to be like that for their wives or girlfriends.  we are all always here to listen to you when ever you need.  it helps to get it all out when your ready we will be here
hugs
noelle

mosie1944 said...

Unbelievable.  In this case, I'd say it IS all about you!  sorry you have such thoughtless people around you.

sunnyside46 said...

It is hard to try to share with people who won't let you.People don't change just becasue there is a crisis.My mom has never been there for me emotionally, but she will be the first to moan about how much she loves me.
You know, you'd think they would hear how they sound and even if they are heartless selfish people , they would try not to make that obvious, would n't you?
Marti

gandsbrock said...

Gentle hugs to you Kim.  And THIS is why moms always say "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all".  There's nothing like kicking a person when they're down.  *sigh*  I'm sorry you've had to deal with this.  I hope writing about it has been a relief to you.  Maybe you can do a little kick-boxing at the gym to get it out, when you've recovered from the biopsy and before the chemo.
Take care, Stephanie

ajquinn354 said...

Kim dear, you just vent all you want in your journal, we're  here for you and not going anywhere. Family members, think we all have the same.  Love my brothers and sisters dearly, but if I had to live with any of them doubt I could.  Seems as we all grow up we each develop our own personality and it's amazing how we all differ from when we were growing up as kids. Try not to let what your Sis said get to you or your SIL's drinking problems get to you and don't let their words get you down.  You need to keep upbeat, keep stress as much as possible out of your life right now, you have enough on your plate without having to deal with there thoughts and words.  Don't know how any of us would survive the ups and downs, worries, health concerns or life's problems without our "Special Sisters" that our girlfriends are....I know I thank God every day for them.  They are there for you through thick and thin, don't judge you, accept you as you are and always available to talk with, give that spcial hug or kindness we all need.  Wish I could be there to hold your hand and give you in a hug whenever you need one dear.  You are one strong lady, so keep the faith Kim, all of us here are. We may never meet, but you are my "Special Sister" and I love you. Bless you....Arlene (AJ)

rdautumnsage said...

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mumma4evr said...

sending more gentle love filled hugs your way...and big old slaps to her who needs them!
Becky

chat2missie said...

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kirkbyj05 said...

'Friends are the 'family' you would have chosen for yourself'  
Unfortunately we don't get to choose our family members, do we?
It beggars belief that some people are so involved with themselves and their own feelings that they can't empathise with others in times of stress and sickness.  Being a family member doesn't give anyone a licence to speak their minds.  And as for one person having more good fortune than another then surely they are blessed.  Not to be envied. At the end of our days its how we have carried ourselves and behaved towards others that matter.  Not posessions etc.
Love one another is a maxim that we should all strive for; not the envy of our neighbours goods.
I had guessed as much Kim that you were fighting with an inner turmoil this weekend just gone. There must be so much going on around and inside your head.
The fright I got when told of my cancer was excrutiatingly physically painful; and terrifying too. When I took to my bed crying I called for my Mum who has been long gone...and I'm nearly sixty. For you to go through that twice is so mind blowing.  I cried when I got that recent news on your journal but  have smiled and been happy too when you have gone out and forgotten 'the beast' and ejoyed yourself with true friends and cocked a snook at it.  Please don't waste energy anymore on those who don't care  for you.  Cultivate those friends whom you know will be there for you and allow you to rant and offload your fears. Everyone should learn to be good listeners and carers.  I have grown to think the world of you and I wish the world  for you too.   I pray hard that your heart gets much lighter soon and 'You' come out on top again!!   Love Jeanie xxx

princesssaurora said...

{{{{ Kim }}}}} Glad you could get it out and share with us.  I relate... family... well, we don't chose them.  My hubby had to walk away from his toxic group of idiots related by blood.  Ugh.

Focus on the positive... hope Jim is home soon, and sending your prayers...

be well,
Dawn
http://journals.aol.com/princesssaurora/CarpeDiem/

inafrnz247 said...

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breakaway1968 said...

Very well said!  I feel terrible that you are not close to your sisters..Two of my sisters are also in a feud and I feel terrible for the both of them. I am close to all four of my sister and am truly happy for that.   I am so happy that you have friends here to talk to since you can't do that with your family.  Have really been enjoying your posts here :)  I don't comment often but I do often read and have been for some time now.  

helmswondermom said...

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ginabommer said...

this entry has me soooo mad.... this is about you.. and for anyone not to be breaking there backs to be there for you is just sick..... i wish i was there to help you.. or be your shoulder to cry on.... kim, this is about you.. and you have to concentrate on you and beating cancer...love, gina

thinkingoutloud said...

I've always said, "there's more room out than in".  At least that's how I justify telling it like it is.

I'm sorry these two women in your life have no tact.

Love ya!
Niki

jmorancoyle said...

    Hi, let me introduce myself. I am Irish, with 2 brothers, 1 sister, all older, and all people I wouldn't spend time with if not for our parents. My sister, who I love dearly, is miserable. She's convinced that the worst this world has had to offer landed in her lap, on her face, running down her back, head, arms and legs, and everywhere she sets her feet. I can't see how she's any worse off than anyone is. She made her own life, just like I have, and just like you and your sister. My sister chose to be miserable. She's choosen to look around her, at her huge home, her successful husband and two beautiful children, and say 'woe is me.' I look at her from my hand to mouth existance and I agree. 'Woe is her.'
    If good things land in your lap, it's because you earned it. Don't feel sorry for yourself because of your sister. At her age she won't change. And unless she and God have a major come-uppance, she'll never understand just how many gifts she's been given.  
    As far as your SIL is concerned? I don't drink much, but I've been around alcoholics all my life. They are selfish people. They blame everyone else for their problems, and they say stupid things when they're drunk that they'd never say when they're sober. They don't change until they are forced to make a choice between the alcohol and everyone else in life. Some can't make that leap.
    Still, no one is perfect, and even the most wonderful person will say or do something stupid. You'd think they'd have more compassion.
    I won't pretend to understand what you are going through. I don't. I know only that cancer is tough, and you've been tougher. Keep it up. And keep up your attitude. It will do more good than anything else. I pray I never have to go through this myself. If I do though, your writing has been inspirational. I've learned a lot from you. Please put their words behind you.
Jude
http://journals.aol.com/jmor

tendernoggle said...

WOW.......you had a rough week Kim!  getting this out will help your nerves, hon...I hope tomorrow will be better and I pray God sends you a wonderful weekend!
love ya,
carlene

thegirlnexdoor77 said...

Big hugs, what a hell of a few days you have had as if you don't have enough on your mind...GRRRR!  I will be praying for you my friend...keep your chin tucked in and and keep on fighting!  Hugs,TerryAnn

stupidsheetguy said...

Now I can't wait for Jim to come home to you. The security blanket is needed. I hope you have a better time of it from here on in. You're dealing with enough.

Jimmy

wickedpink64 said...

So your sister considers you 'the lucky one' and the one with the 'charmed life' huh? Um, correct me but I am pretty sure the words, lucky and charmed DO NOT fit with CANCER!!!! Is she adopted? You seem pretty smart and together, maybe she is NOT of the same genetic make-up...if you get my drift!!! I too know what it is like to taken home from the hospital by the wrong family.  Mine was meant to be the rich, sane ones, NOT the mad ones that I have!!!  But, you can't choose your family can you....that's why we have friends!

Sorry you had to deal with this crap on top of everything else but you can't waste you time and energy on something so negative - save it for your healing.

Hugs

Wendy in Oz

rbrown6172 said...

i'm sorry you've had such a hard week...and with those so close to you.  sometimes thats when it hurts the most, i guess.  i find it amazing that so many smokers refuse to consider the rights of others....they feel they are being put out when asked to be considerate of those for whatever reason can't bear their 2nd hand smoke!
gina

lisa41076 said...

Kim, sorry you have had a rough week, I know well about family members and not getting along with some of them,  I clash with, My dad and I are estranged and one of my brothers does'nt speak to me -long story after my parents divorced he went his own way, hope you have a good weekend, Hugs Lisa

lindaggeorge said...

We are going through a tricky family situation at present, which I won't air as there are too many of the family reading all this stuff, family can be a very hard balancing act at times.

Linda x.

missy92980 said...

Kim, I am so glad that you feel comfortable venting about your life and frustrations in this blog.  It is so wonderful that you are able to get this off of your chest and out in the open.  You have so much on your plate right now, please please PLEASE take care of yourself first.  I know that is probably one of the hardest things to do, but I know you can do it.  You can do anything!!  I will pray for your SIL and Sister.  It sounds like they both could use some genuine prayer.  And as always, you are in my prayers!!  HUGS
Missy92980

am4039 said...

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sdoscher458 said...

Oh, KIm you can choose your friends but you inherit your family.  I have two sisters who literally stepped in it, while I just shovel it. I do not resent their good fortune, in fact I'm very happy for them.  As far as your SIL goes, it is her problem and until she makes up her mind to do something you are just spinning your wheels. You cannot force another person to change, it really doesn't work. Also, honey, save your strength of will for yourself and your family. Getting heated up over someone else should not be on your plate right now...I'm speaking to you as a Mom right now...it's an old habit....love  Sandi

gehi6 said...

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