Friday, April 6, 2007

Where my head is at today...4/6/07

My emotions are still all over the place, one minute I am fine and strong and think this is just another bump in my road and then the next minute I cannot ignore the voice in my head that says this is bad, very bad. For Cancer to come back so soon means that they never got it all in the first place. So maybe I wasn't a Stage IIB Breast Cancer patient after all.........obviously it has spread making me a Stage IIII. We really won't know exactly what type of cancer is now in my right lung until they do the needle biopsy. I am having the PET Scan done at noon today.....weird instructions and restrictions with that.....like only protein the night before and 6 hours before the test today, no physical activity 24 hours including vigorous walking.

I went with a friend to her Pulmonary (lung) Specialist yesterday, one reason to take notes for her, so she could remember all that was said and ordered and two, I wanted to ask a few questions of my own.....like now that it has spread to my lungs am I going to need a Lung M.D. myself? First he asked who my team of Doctors were, when I told them he said I was in excellent hands.....been hearing that from every person in the medical field I have spoke to since my cancer journey has began....reassurance is always good! He asked me if they knew what kind of cancer it was in my lungs yet and I told him that I have not had the needle biopsy a of yet. He said that if indeed it is the BC that has spread the lung which is a very common occurrence then it will be treated differently than if it is your regular run of the mill, so to speak lung cancer. The one good thing I have going for me besides all this love around me is that my Cancer is estrogen related....easiest type of cancer to treat....doesn't explain why it still made it through all that chemo though does it?

I finally had somewhat of a good cry late yesterday afternoon...there are only 2 people in my world that I can let my guard down long enough to do this and Jim is one of them of course and my Mother being the other. I really hate to break down in front of my Mother, I know the "Mother's pain" when my own children cry...your heart breaks right along with theirs and there isn't a damn thing you can do to ease their pain. The timing wasn't perfect either, I was driving back home from dinner with my stoic soon to be 16 year old daughter who thinks she is stronger emotionally than her other family members...I remember thinking that same damn thing when I was her age and I lost my Father. I self destructed for the next 5 years after he died...she too will shatter into a million pieces when she finally falls apart from it...I didn't let it out emotionally until I was well into my 30's....talk about suppression huh?

When people are ill and I mean could be at deaths door sooner than they ever thought, they need to talk about that...my first time around I only toyed with the idea of dying....now it could very well be a imminent possibility.....those who love me, can't get past the thought of it, but PLEASE let the person who is ill..speak their mind, speak their wishes no matter how difficult it is to listen to........at this time we don't want reassurances that things will be ok.....things are NOT ok at the moment..we just want to know we are being heard and our wishes will be granted....just a lil insight when you have to deal with possibly losing someone.

I found a great quote in another blog I stumbled on yesterday, it was written by Sandra Day O'Connor

"We don't accomplish anything in this world alone ... and whatever happens is the result of the whole tapestry of one's life and all the weavings of individual threads from one to another that creates something."

Just know that you all have been a 'thread' in my life and what a beautiful tapestry you helped weave! I'm not giving up....I'm just taking a lil longer to bounce back this time!

37 comments:

kidzmakeucrazy said...

take all the time you need, we will be here for you, prayers for you and your family, MISSY

topazscorpio27 said...

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glensfork4 said...

I will continue to support you, I will let you speak what you want with your mouth, and I do hope that even though your family will NOT want to hear it, you may just need to speak it anyways....

I do pray that whatever treatment they give you works and kills every cancer cell you have...I am so very happy that you have great doctors that is VERY important, but you know this already.

Blessings to you-

Michele
http://journals.aol.com/glensfork4/these-are-my-thoughts/

astaryth said...

Taking a second hit so soon, I'm not surprised that you haven't 'Bounced Back'  yet, but you WILL! You are a fighter!
http://journals.aol.com/astaryth/AdventuresofanEclecticMind/
http://adventuresofaneclecticmind.blogspot.com/

nhd106 said...

We'll all go through the different moods with ya.    Deal?

Nancy

siennastarr said...

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lanurseprn said...

My best friend has battled Cancer off and on since 1995.  He has Malignant Melanoma. He had 6 lesions in his lung, a brain tumor, lesions on his spine, a tumor in his hand, and various other places.  And he's still here.  Amazingly.  
I know it's hard, but just don't give in ok?
Love to you ....Pam

katie39041 said...

I am sure you will have been through every emotion going after finding out about having cancer. All those emotions will give you the strength to carry on and fight the battle ahead. One thing i pick up on is you are a fighter and you will kick this cancers arse. And when you are better you will look back and you will be a better person, a stronger person.I know what you are saying about friends and family but they have got to travel a different path to you. They want things to be better and there reasuring them self that is the case. They are listening to your thoughts and wishes and wanting you to be back to pre cancer days they will come through for you. They have to deal with there emotions as well its a biggy to take in for all your Family and friends.
lots of love
katie

ekgillen said...

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rdautumnsage said...

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pharmolo said...

Kim,
Things are not ok by a long stretch, and you're doing very well indeed by recognising that fact. Obviously, you need to keep up a front of sorts, otherwise you cannot function as a person at all. But as I said a few days ago, when you reported the secondary, you know the score. It is reassuring that the docs are on the ball, and at least it gives you a slender thread of hope that maybe something can be done to slow things down. However, a secondary is very bad news. Period.
Wishing you continued strength,

Guido

chaispice1023 said...

journal it out all you want.  we're all here...listening.  keeping you in my prayers.

imshadowraven2 said...

As i sat here reading your entry all i wanted to do was to let you know im here for you wether its to laugh with or cry with or even if you need to yell at someone i wanna be the one. I know you have many ppl there for you but im so scared of losing you there was a time i wouldnt have told you this but i feel now that this is a time for honesty. I may not know u but i love you.......... Robin


















psychfun said...

Yes, I think the reason why people don't want to hear you even suggest you may not be ok is because we all know how much attitude makes a difference is the strengtht of a spirit fighting it & the immune system staying strong. I have a prof who notices even a single muscle in my face twinging to say "no" or "I don't think I can" and he says 'Ah, I don't even want to hear it!..Don't you dare." It is because if you think you can't you won't. I just bought a tapestry saying for myself & one for my niece from Hallmark that says "She thought she could, so she did". It is just that idea I think.

lindaggeorge said...

Live every day for the moment and keep fighting Kim. Hope the test went well.

Linda x.

justplainbill said...

OK, Kim, we will listen and bear with you. Keep you cute chin up and go for it.
Ask the doctors all the questions you have on your mind and make sure you get a complete answer, Bill

hsauls said...

Cancer sucks... keep talking it all out... this has to help!
*hugs*
heather

kirkbyj05 said...

I can see that you have got to visit 'that' place again Kim.  It's easy for those who say don't even think about it but when it is real and is happening to you...its scary and leaves you so vulnerable.  When I got told of my cancer...I had to take to bed when I got home as the pain, of suppressed crying and terror, in my head and throat was so painful I had to take myself away to a quiet place and let it all out.   I am nearly sixty and I cried out for my Mum to help me... and she has been long gone.  As long as we have life we can fight it and try to be happy too. I feel sure you will brighten up again once you have got your fear in control.  Otherwise how else will you be able to live your life, for as long as God gives you, to the full?  Please God that you will be able to have this cancer shrunk and contained or removed.  I want that so badly for you and so do so many others along with your family.  I send you my prayers and fervent hopes that all will turn out well for you.
We all will it to be so! God Bless you my beautiful Irish Eyes.  
Jeanie   xxxx

olachiaclan said...

Kim, know that you are in my prayers and in my heart. This isn't easy. Cancer never is. I remember this last July sitting down with my best friend Morgen and talking about my plans, writing them out, making sure I had gifts put up for my kids in case. I still have those gifts put up.  Let your heart and soul feel the emotion. I still cry at times when I see them sleeping. I don't think, I fear what may come in regard to myself, but I do fear how my family will cope. You are so strong Kim, we are all here on both sides of you holding your hands up.

dklars said...

Kim, I don't comment much, but I've been reading your journal for years.  I have a question for you, and you don't have to address it right now, but if you ever get the notion, I'd love to hear your answer.  What IS the "Right" thing to say?  What comforts you?  Aside from "Everything will be OK," which I know is NOT the thing to say, what do people say to you that you do/don't appreciate?  I know just having someone to listen to you is one of the most comforting things, but when something needs to be said...  what words do cancer patients like/need/want to hear?  "I will be here for you" just doesn't sem like enough, and I truly have not a clue of what to say in situations like this.  I'm sure others wonder the same thing, but don't want to ask.  I hope you don't think I'm being insensitive, I truly would like to be prepared, should I ever have to be someone's pillar.
Thanks in advance, and I will continue to pray for you daily.
~~Kath~~
http://journals.aol.com/dklars/SecretGarden

ajquinn354 said...

Kim know you are going through a lot of emotions and questions right now, that is so understandable, please know you are in my special thoughts and prayers always dear.  You hang in there.  Please ask about the radio frequency ablation when you talk with your doctor/doctors dear.  I'm here for you Kim....Bless you. Arlene (AJ)

holly00000 said...

Kim,
I have breast Cancer and have been reading your blog, and after i found out THE NEWS, I too cried for you and for me. I am in the middle of Chemo and am thinking, oh F*@K what if that happens to me. I am still crying. Now, I am sick with Pnemonia and am trying to get better.
I have stayed positive up until now, but some days are really hard....like yours now. I care about you and I dont even know you, but I hope you start to feel better and have strength to get thru.

                              With Love, Holly in Hawaii

wickedpink64 said...

So long as you keep bouncing, take all the time you need!

Eat chocolate... its Easter!

Hugs

Wendy in Oz

gosso23 said...

Kim, It's ok to cry. I know you want to stay stron for your family but sometimes you just have to let it out. It sounds like you are have a good team of doctors. I love the quote. I think about you everyday. Take care Kim,
Trish

sdoscher458 said...

Tears are good too.  It lets the emotion out. I have no doubt in my mind that you will fight and win your battle...you are a fearless warrior woman. At least I view you that way.  You have my prayers and I wish I could lend you some strength too. Love Sandi

tendernoggle said...

Look sugar...You have every right to cry...and cry long and hard...because life has dealt you a double blow....When my husband had his open heart surgery,the night before it, he sit up and outlined everything he wanted me to do in case he didn't make it...I am crying now as I did then Kim...because I begged him to hush...but he wouldn't stop til he got what he wanted said...He did not die that day, but Now, after he died of a massive heart attack later ..I am glad he said what he wanted to, because it hass helped me so much to know what his wishes were....It is hard to listen to your loved ones talk of their death...but it is soooooo much harder trying to do the right thing after they are gone when you don't know what it is...
I know you will bounce back Kim...I know you are strong...You will make it.
love ya,
carlene

cvgflydis said...

Luckily, Mom and I were realists. We talked about everything when it came to her possibly dying from her breast cancer. I remember one day, about 2 weeks before she passed.......we had been planning to go shopping for a dress, "just in case".........and she didn't have the energy to go. I asked her if she wanted me to go pick out several dresses from Macy's and bring them home for her to pick from.  "Any specifications, Mom?" I asked........Her answer: "just make sure it's comfortable"......I just looked at her and started laughing.......and she said.....I know.....I know......"  We laughed til the end. I miss her dearly everyday.....and whether your family wants to hear your fears......you NEED to express them. Mom and I were the only 2 not in denial about her condition. I love ya Kim~Although we have never met, you are taking me on a journey I will never lose sight of. You stay as strong as you can. And prepare your daughters for the possibility of what may come. I was one of those strong ones too. Too strong to show any emotion.....until my world crashed.

seraphoflove9001 said...

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chat2missie said...

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candlejmr said...

I agree that it is hard to let the sick person say what they need to say.  I had to let my dad do that and it was so upsetting....made it seem way to real....but, looking back, then heavens he did it.  There was no confusion later on.  I knew exactly what he wanted.  It will be hard for your family to hear....it will be hard for US here in JLand to hear it...but, right now, it's not about US...it's about YOU.  So you do and say whatever you need to do or say....and we will always be right here for you.  

ALWAYS.  

Don't you forget it.

((hugs))
jeanne

princesssaurora said...

{{{ Kim }}}  It sounds like you are in good hands with the docs... keep us posted on the biopsy and PET results...

be well,
Dawn

thinkingoutloud said...

Inside every woman is a scared little girl at times.  
You are not giving in to denial, but being realistic.

I think your attitude will help your family deal.  You have so much strength.
Unbelievable to me.

Love n prayers 4u-
Niki

jlocorriere05 said...

It's always hard to hear a person who may be dying talk about their wishes. I'm sure those who can't handle it mean no disrespect. I'm praying hard for you Kim that they can at least do something for you. Jeannette xx  http://journals.aol.co.uk/jlocorriere05/Welcometomytravels/  

sunnyside46 said...

reaching out to hold your hand on the other side of the screen
Marti

jerseygirlphotos said...

your insight amazes me.  

pprrrr39 said...

Keep your spirit strong. Keeping you in my prayers

Jayne

pprrrr39 said...

Keep your spirit strong. Keeping you in my prayers

Jayne