Where my head is at today...4/6/07

My emotions are still all over the place, one minute I am fine and strong and think this is just another bump in my road and then the next minute I cannot ignore the voice in my head that says this is bad, very bad. For Cancer to come back so soon means that they never got it all in the first place. So maybe I wasn't a Stage IIB Breast Cancer patient after all.........obviously it has spread making me a Stage IIII. We really won't know exactly what type of cancer is now in my right lung until they do the needle biopsy. I am having the PET Scan done at noon today.....weird instructions and restrictions with that.....like only protein the night before and 6 hours before the test today, no physical activity 24 hours including vigorous walking.

I went with a friend to her Pulmonary (lung) Specialist yesterday, one reason to take notes for her, so she could remember all that was said and ordered and two, I wanted to ask a few questions of my own.....like now that it has spread to my lungs am I going to need a Lung M.D. myself? First he asked who my team of Doctors were, when I told them he said I was in excellent hands.....been hearing that from every person in the medical field I have spoke to since my cancer journey has began....reassurance is always good! He asked me if they knew what kind of cancer it was in my lungs yet and I told him that I have not had the needle biopsy a of yet. He said that if indeed it is the BC that has spread the lung which is a very common occurrence then it will be treated differently than if it is your regular run of the mill, so to speak lung cancer. The one good thing I have going for me besides all this love around me is that my Cancer is estrogen related....easiest type of cancer to treat....doesn't explain why it still made it through all that chemo though does it?

I finally had somewhat of a good cry late yesterday afternoon...there are only 2 people in my world that I can let my guard down long enough to do this and Jim is one of them of course and my Mother being the other. I really hate to break down in front of my Mother, I know the "Mother's pain" when my own children cry...your heart breaks right along with theirs and there isn't a damn thing you can do to ease their pain. The timing wasn't perfect either, I was driving back home from dinner with my stoic soon to be 16 year old daughter who thinks she is stronger emotionally than her other family members...I remember thinking that same damn thing when I was her age and I lost my Father. I self destructed for the next 5 years after he died...she too will shatter into a million pieces when she finally falls apart from it...I didn't let it out emotionally until I was well into my 30's....talk about suppression huh?

When people are ill and I mean could be at deaths door sooner than they ever thought, they need to talk about that...my first time around I only toyed with the idea of dying....now it could very well be a imminent possibility.....those who love me, can't get past the thought of it, but PLEASE let the person who is ill..speak their mind, speak their wishes no matter how difficult it is to listen to........at this time we don't want reassurances that things will be ok.....things are NOT ok at the moment..we just want to know we are being heard and our wishes will be granted....just a lil insight when you have to deal with possibly losing someone.

I found a great quote in another blog I stumbled on yesterday, it was written by Sandra Day O'Connor

"We don't accomplish anything in this world alone ... and whatever happens is the result of the whole tapestry of one's life and all the weavings of individual threads from one to another that creates something."

Just know that you all have been a 'thread' in my life and what a beautiful tapestry you helped weave! I'm not giving up....I'm just taking a lil longer to bounce back this time!