Monday, November 19, 2007

Happy Birthday Melissa!

I have chemo again tomorrow, (3 weeks on 1 week off) I have a feeling they will be changing the chemo again, I'm starting to get those little blue bruises again, like when was running low of potassium. Being tired is the weirdest feeling in the world! I can sleep 24 hours straight and still feel like I just missed the missed the bed! lol When I first found out I had breast cancer, I thought ok, I'll have  it for a little while then when I am done, I done with it. You're aren't even sure how you feel about the cancer, they told me I would have 8 weeks of chemotherapy and 2 years of physical hormone replacement, I STILL don't know what exactly went wrong where but something sure didn't work out in my best interest......there are days I loaf of bread confuses me! lol

We all have our childhood issues and with my Brother he was always told he was never going amount to anything, he was no My Father told him like his Father before him...My Brother's intelligence would be questioned,my Sisters's weight would always get asked even though she really wasn't overweight and you could never get away with calling me stupid! Well........I get pretty stupid now, Like a said a loaf of bread confuses me and I wish to God it was a joke! Who knew Chemo was so life altering huh?? lol

One of my buddies is in the mattress business and I am so impatient instead of waiting a few extra days I ran out and bought one by myself......instead of waiting for Jim....a queen didn't even fit in the back of suburban...I called my Brother and he saved me...(pick-up truck)....sorry BOB! Thought it was going to be a quick hop, skip and a jump and I'm in my new bed! lol Now I'm looking for a small student desk for Lil Jimmy's old room..... I have my lap top now and I am slowly getting used to it........just to keep all my paperwork on.

I never was a great house cleaner but I do want to at least look like I am putting the house in some kind of order.....don't worry I'm not going anywhere,,,,, Bob owes me lunch...they just refinished remodeling the restaurant so don't worry Bob there is still a chance you'll get to buy me lunch! lol lol lol

So what did I learn this weekend? Queen beds don't fit in suburban's, you can still call your brother to move a mattress, Bob still wants Mongolian BBQ and a lap top is not any faster than a PC!

To my friends and family that are giving me my space right now I really appreciate it, I'm not sure where my body is going with this cancer thing but it's definitely working it's way through the rest of me, I don't know how much chemo I am going to end up having, I never know how much illness I am going to have with it either, I just know it sure sucks right now to be me!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

No chemo Tuesday...just TMT

Today was no chemo Tuesday, just had some blood work ( tumor marker test) so they will have the results for my appointment next Tuesday.... this is when the new chemo I'm trying usually stops working for me, the visible tumor on the outside of my left breast is no longer flat against my skin and is a very angry red in color......I don't think that's a very good sign....I think Dr. Serious will probably order another new thoracic cat scan and I need to do my six month follow up pelvic exam too.  Life sure is different for me than in was 16 months ago. Sometimes I feel like a life size voodoo doll! lol lol lol

My Son Lil Jimmy's hamster passed away 3 days ago and it devastated him, I think he was finally able to put that kind of painful loss to what my cancer can do now....he begged me don't ever give up Mom...........I love you and I will really miss you! That was kinda sweet to be missed more than a deceased, beloved hamster. Like I have said before death is only painful for those that are left behind. I don't think I could bare losing Jim or survive the broken heart of losing ones child. It was breaking my heart to see  him so broken hearted so we now have a new hamptster named "Carson" Lil Jimmys smile is back on his face and that puts the smile back on this Momma's face!

Life and death.... a cycle that is as old as time and still just as painful. I am at peace with whatever life or death has in store for's knowing the heartbreak my loved ones will go through is what brings tears to roll down my face instantly. That is when all this seems so unfair.....I'm the one that gets cancer and they are the ones who get punished for it.

Do I believe that we all meet up again somewhere? Yes I do whether its called heaven, another realm, hell for some or maybe just somewhere over the rainbow, but I believe that when two hearts love each other so much, they are destined to find one another again and that's also the reason I believe in love at first sight.....those two hearts were together already before....I'm not a very religious person, but I know the power of true, ever lasting love..otherwise how do we survive our children's teenage years without killing them! lol lol lol

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Judith Heartsong artsy essay

kmh 2007 

A perfect day for me is to actually forget that I am not well, it is to feel the warmth of the sun on my face as it sets for the day. I sit patiently in one of the colorful Adirondack chairs, today I chose the bright yellow one to  perch myself in. Book still in hand open but no words have been read,  I sit along the shore line waiting my Fisherman Husband to return to me after spending the day on the water teaching his son what his Father has taught him...the art of fishing.....they Fished for Walleyes, Northern Pikes and Large mouth bass.

It is their routine to go before dawn, grab a quick breakfast in hand and not return to the cabin until the sun starts to set. The sky so golden with the low mist rolling in from the lake....My Son spy's me waiting for him at the shoreline and is eagerly awaiting to show me what the lake has given him this day, he starts to wave his lantern from the boat to let me know of his is now dusk, the most mystical time of the day. I raise my camera and take one last picture for the day and it's magical! All is right in my world for a moment....I hear the loons calling to one another off in the distance...the bull frogs searching for new mates even if it's just for the night. I am blessed that I can spend a few more tomorrows waiting for the eagles to fly high over my head, the boy to grow into a fine young man and if I'm lucky.... a cure for Breast Cancer. 


Come join the other participants at Judith Heartsong

Judith Heartsong Essay Contest

Monday, October 29, 2007

little black boots

lil jimmy 2007

Once I get my energy and my balance back........... look out world! I miss dancing........ me and a few of my best girlfriends have been known to do a lil pole dancing from time to time. I also found a cute lil pair of shorter black boots in the kids section that were cut chunky, kinda like little biker boots in a size 4.5 Wide and they fit so I bought them too! Just tooooo cute with my cammo capris! Those jeans I have on on the picture are the size 6 skinny jeans from Old Navy......I either gain 5 lbs or try on size 4 the 6's are already baggy. Somewhere along the way I lost my booty, and I had lots of junk in my trunk.....I want some of my curves back.............. I am a woman after all!!! lol lol lol

Jim knows I've had a couple of good weeks, I'm out having dinner with him more often and I'm shopping again! lol lol lol

Life is good and I am I'm gonna need a few new winter coats! lol Thank you for this day, it's just what the Doctor ordered!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Hairspray? Check! Spackle? Check! Fun? Check! lol

I clean up good when I have too! lol! Amazing what a goldilocks wig and a half tub of spackle can do for a woman going through Cancer and chemo! lol lol lol

I promise next time to get a picture of the new boots....oops and they aren't thigh high they only go up to just below my knee, but hey! When your only 5 foot most everything goes up to your thigh lmaoooo!

Saturday, October 27, 2007

My Birthday Boy Brother and his Wife Laurie

Diva for a day! lol

Wooo Hooooo! A whole week of no falling down and going BOOM! I guess I will be on the low dose steroids for awhile, and that is ok, because it gave me back my appetite, my body and what's left of my mind, and I'm much stronger for it!  Since my hair is growing back ever so slowly. I bought a sleeker goldilocks. Yesterday was My Brother Michael's 49th birthday, so about 12 of us went out to a wonderful cajun restaurant and did it feel good, to put on make up, I bought some skinny jeans! not since high school have I put on skinny jeans...... levi 501straight leg!

Bought the skinny jeans from Old Navy..... size 6 junior!!!!! So what if I don't have any hair! I'm wearing junior size clothes! LMAOOOOO. I had a on my NEW thigh high black suede boots.. (bought Friday afternoon!) lol...normally I run around town the bald headed circus freak with one head light showing and what appears to be a small crop circle in the back center portion of my skull, and big hoop earrings of course! lol

My Brother Mike, My Sister Kelly, My Momma and Me! lol

Me & my Guy

My sis & BIL (Steve)


Tuesday, October 23, 2007

It's fun Tuesday ..aka Chemo Day!

I'm off for my chemo, I'll update this entry when I get far, knock on wood, that steriod they gave me to take every morning while on this chemo made for a pleasant but sleepy to you soon! Small blessings indeed!


UPDATE: All my blood work (cbc's)came back great, I have the numbers of a person not sick with cancer! Lets just put all our good thoughts into another week of feeling good even if I'm just a lil sleepy and I will try to stop waking up on the floors around my town! lol

Thank you all for your warm wishes, your prayers, your karmas, your words of wisdom, your angels sent to watch over me. Once again you have carried me! I  love and adore you all for that!



Monday, October 22, 2007

Just possibly the best damn song ever written :)

I had my Mastectomy August 16, 2006.....3 days later while still in the oncology unit my heart went into A-FIB. I was rushed to the Heart Hospital (same campus) and by the 5 day I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was sitting in my bed with my door closed watching my husband Jim try to catch up on some much needed sleep ( he never left my side) I was thinking about how much of this having cancer is going to change everything and everybody.......tears started welling up in my was a quiet cry, I didn't want to wake my Jim and I didn't want him to see me defeated by all this.

My room was in one of the corners and even with my door closed I heard what was a violin and an acoustic guitar in the hallway and they were playing "What A Wonderful World" I never did get to see who was playing but suddenly my outlook changed it still was a wonderful world and I was going to remind myself of that everyday. I never had the chance to tell whoever was playing that they made a difference in my life.

Image one sunny winter afternoon while up in the chemo room while I was sitting in front of the floor to ceiling windows a 50-ish couple comes in with violin and guitar in hand and starts playing old, wonderful standards for the cancer patients. I wait for them to finish their set and then I tell them how much they changed my life that day. How that day I was thinking  my life was over, that I would never be happy again....I told them about "What a Wonderful World" did for my outlook on my new life.....they thanked me for thanking them and proceeded to play it for me again....of course I cried like a baby....They day of my Chemo graduation they were there again and played it for me as my just reinforces life force.

Even though cancer isn't so wonderful..... life and the world still are, so when I need to be reminded of that again somehow that couple is sent into my life to bring back the wonderment of it all over again!

Life is good and I am blessed!

"What a Wonderful World"
I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Out of the mouths of babes......

This was left in my comment section....I am so impressed with these two young bff's!

Ok, How cute is this Cathy F (11years old) and her BFF Hayley......

While at camp Hayley told Cathy something for people who survived cancer. It is "Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon!" Even though Cathy F has never met anyone with cancer it inspired her....She told me to now take this and BELIEVE!     

From the 11 year Catherine F

Saturday, October 20, 2007

melancholy 472

My Mom says she misses my smile, my laughter.....I didn't even realize that I had lost it. I know my mind is still very active it's just that my mouth isn't as much anymore. I used to be talker.....hopefully not to the point that I annoyed anyone and people always seemed drawn to me, but now I think I keep all conversations locked in my head. I'm not sure if it's the Cancer and the Chemo that keeps me quiet with being to tired and sick most of the time or if it's the tons of pain medicine they have me on make me too stoned to share what's on my mind........quiet is not my norm. It could of been the whole brain radiation too, they said that WBR can alter ones personality. Maybe it's because after 44 years of talking non stop people finally feel the void...I hear the whispers  "she's so quiet now! I'm not used to her being so quiet!" It's been a while since chemo took my voice but it did this time I can either yell really loud or talk in a broken side effects are always so goofy! lol

The steroid is helping with my appetite....I find myself having to have a lil something in my stomach every couple of hours or I get the dry heaves now. With food comes nutrition, with nutrition comes strength. I had to stop my physical therapy while doing chemo, I was too weak for both, chemo first then hopefully at some point when I get to remission or a milder chemo and can do both.

I hate the fact that my blog seems to be taken over by my breast cancer, but cancer and it's treatment has taken over my life so there doesn't seem to be anything else to blog about, I get grounded from leaving the house by myself, I can't run off for hours with my camera anymore, one reason I have seemed to misplace it (oops!) some times when my weakness and my balance is real bad I'm banished to my room until someone gets home.....I'm feeling a lot older than my age.

I am craving my old life, my healthy life........I guess everyone that  goes through a life changing event is 472 days since my diagnosis........seems like forever then again seems like only yesterday...... I miss hanging out with all our friends, but with my immune system being compromised I have to avoid large groups and public Son already passed along his "PINK EYE" to me, but being breastcancer awareness month "PINK EYE"
seems appropriate! lol

For those of you who have put off their yearly mammogram's time to do it....they say if caught early enough the success of a cure looks good.......I caught mine early enough but it didn't do me any good....too a day can really make a difference, don't waste your tomorrows thinking it can't happen to you, because it can and it does....I'm living/dying proof of longer curable only treatable......what does that mean? That means until they either find a cure I am going to be dealing with cancer the rest of my life.....even if I'm one of the lucky ones that finds my way to remission the threat of it coming back will always be there

Friday, October 19, 2007

Bubble Wrap Anyone?

Since I had my chemo on Tuesday and I usually don't feel any sick side effects till the upcoming weekend I thought I had a few days of "normal" allotted to me..........WRONG! Wednesday I was a good girl, stayed in the house, off the stairs ate what little I could but drank all the water I was supposed to. So Thursday I finally go to buy a refurbished lap top (DELL) and go to pick it up, The sales man gave me $20 bucks off the lap top, a free mouse, and all the cables I needed......I'm thinking this is going to be a good day..........right??

Feeling so good, I'll stop off at the grocery mind you I only buy maybe 15 items and while I'm standing there waiting for the girl to finish putting my bags in the cart, I get overly warm and next thing I know I passed out on the grocery store floor....I feel as if I'm in a very restful sleep, but there is some man talking to eyes won't open.....finally I open my eyes to see what the fuss is all about and it's all about me! The back of goldylocks is flipped up over my head, I am still flushed in the face and my rescuers don't know if they should leave me down on the ground or sit me up and pour cold water down my throat. I didn't want an ambulance called, I didn't want a family member called......I just wanted to sit out in the cool breeze for a few they all followed me out to my truck, put my groceries in the back of it and all said they would follow me so I made it home safely. I had enough attention  for one day and promised that I would drive extra slowly to my house less than 2 miles away.

I make it home, leave the groceries in my truck (nothing was perishable) and climb into my bed, M Sis-in-law calls I groggily tell her I passed out at the jewel but that I'm home, she doesn't hear the "home"part. I tell her I need to rest and hang up......she calls my Mother and gets her all upset, Laurie is getting dressed and plans on hitting all the Jewel Stores in my neighborhood since she doesn't know which one I shop at.....My Mom tells her to wait and calls my cell phone, I answer the phone from my bed and tell her that I'm fine and that all I need is rest......she clicks over to tell Laurie I'm home and fine. "Search for Kim called off" lol lol lol.... My poor Sis -in-law was so freaked out!

I guess I don't care where I put my head to all the other times I have just fallen over, this time I justpassed out......what a weird feeling. I've fallen at a funeral, I've fallen at the hospital, I have fallen out of the tub, into my bedroom wall and so on.......bubble wrap I tell ya! BUBBLE WRAP!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Time to happy dance again! lol

I knew it! I knew the chemo drug (Navelbine),the chemo drug that my body can't tolerate..... is driving down the tumor marker test numbers (another huge decrease). Dr. Serious doesn't seem to think its the Navelbine that has made me so sick. , no matter how much I tried convincing him it is. First dose (full dose) became familiar with my toilet, second dose (Half dose,didn't SEE the toilet) third dose (full) made plenty of visits to the today I go in plead my case but because of the tumor markers going down significantly in the last month and the tumors I once felt in my left leg are gone and Jim can't find any signs of the ones down the sides of my spine, I was given another full dose!

He thinks it's the lack of steroids in my body that are making me sick, so once again I am being put back on steroids...a milder one this time Prednisone, at a low dose so I don't get the weird side effects I had on the other steroid(Dexamethasone) in previous treatments. They should also help with my appetite and my nausea ..... lost 8 pounds being ill since last dose. I am now wearing a size 7 in the junior section thanks to my "Extreme Cancer Make Over." All I have to say is I better get to enjoy this body of my youth for quite awhile after I'm put in remission! lol lol lol

Well, I just wanted to let you know how my visit with Dr. Serious went and if you don't see me around much in the next week or so, I'll be face to face with the tidy bowl man! lol 2 more rounds of this chemo, then another tumor marker test, if they are still declining then no other testing (scans and such) until 2 more rounds....Lets hope it continues to work for me and not stop working in another month like the others have.

GO ME!!!!

what the..........?

Very strange, I added an entry late yesterday afternoon, about my hair finally starting to come back, I clicked save, I re read it after I saved it and I took my later afternoon nap. When I woke up from my nap. my nextel (when trying to log on to the net and AOL told me 404 not found, so now I can't access AOL from my phone anymore and when I logged onto my blog just now that whole post is missing....this happen to anyone else???



KIM relationship! lol

Good thing is first I compose it in my file, under "new" on the top of tool bar, that way if my computer locks up or aol boots me it's still sitting on my desk top, then I mail a copy of it to myself so I can re enter if it gets eaten by aol ...thank god this one wasn't a soul searing entry it was meant to share my good mood and my feeling good for a change so here is what aol ate for a midnight snack last night.

(Yesterdays entry)

Today I don't feel sick, today I don't feel weak.....but tomorrow is Chemo Tuesday and I will feel good for a few more days then it will start all over again.....oh how I love those "Feel Good" days! 

My hair has finally broke through my scalp, it looks so dark again, I wonder if I'm gonna have that schnauzer look again. If I do, it's gonna be me and a bottle of Nutrisse hair color as soon as it's long enough to dye! The weird part of it's re growth is that I have a streak from the front of my head to the back of my head right down the center that shows no sign of re growth...what I was thinking was, then just dye the sides black leave the all natural white scalp untouched and instead of looking like a schnauzer I can look like PePe LaPew! Whatcha think?? lmaoooo

Today is good day and I am blessed!


Monday, October 15, 2007

Short and sweet

Today I don't feel sick, today I don't feel weak.....but tomorrow is Chemo Tuesday and I will feel good for a few more days then it will start all over again.....oh how I love those "Feel Good" days! 

My hair has finally broke through my scalp, it looks so dark again, I wonder if I'm gonna have that schnauzer look again. If I do, it's gonna be me and a bottle of Nutrisse hair color as soon as it's long enough to dye! The weird part of it's re growth is that I have a streak from the front of my head to the back of my head right down the center that shows no sign of re growth...what I was thinking was, then just dye the sides black leave the all natural white scalp untouched and instead of looking like a schnauzer I can look like PePe LaPew! Whatcha think?? lmaoooo

Today is good day and I am blessed!

Sunday, October 14, 2007

where my head is at today 10-14-07

When I was a kid and I got sick my Mom would take me to see the family Doctor who would always tell me to stick out my tongue and say "ahhhh" check for swollen glands in my neck, take my temperature and then send me home with a lollipop and a prescription for an antibiotic......all better 10 days later!

So this being sick and not being able to just "get better" in 10 days is hard for me to cope with, Why can't I just take a pill twice a day for 10 days and be all better now? I thought my childhood Doctor could cure me of everything.......the scared little girl, that still lives hidden deep inside of me wishes Dr. Pelic was still alive, still believes he could of made me all better.

Fast forward 40 something years and I can't seem to catch a break with any of the meds I have been on......1st round 8 weeks of AC & T
ACT Chemotherapy - Adriamcin Cytoxan Taxol  Now I just read an article that Taxol does Nothing for ER/PR positive Breast Cancer......great! Then my 2nd round of new chemo was Xeloda... XELODA: The first FDA-approved oral chemotherapy for metastatic Breast and Colorectal Cancer Easy to take pill form, taken at home but the longer I was on it the sicker and more weak I became where I lost all my strength due to the fact I was either too sick to eat or sleeping my life away. Then we tried another chemo cocktail of Gemzar and Carboplatin for Patients and Caregivers –  Information About Treatment withGEMZAR for Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer, Pancreatic C.. and  CARBOPLATIN - INJECTION  (Paraplatin) side effects, medical uses, and drug interactions.   again  I did nothing but sleep, couldn't eat if I wanted too, and even though my tumor markers went down the tumors in my liver and in my lung grew so on to my 4th chemo drug Navelbine  Navelbine and Navelbine Side Effects - Chemotherapy Drugs And this one is the worse yet, I'm still getting sick to my stomach almost 2 weeks after my treatment, not eating will soon make me weak again and unable to get around on my own.

I see Dr. Serious on Tuesday.We already tried the full dose (puke) we tried the half dose (much milder but is it still effective?) I'm going to see about a 2/3rd dose or trying something completely different, I can't spend my life looking into the bottom of my toilet bowl! I can't even keep down the Zofran (anti sickness medicine ) most times.

How much my world has changed. If I didn't take this cancer one day at a time I think I would of given up a long time ago. I'm tired but most of all I am sick of being sick. Now lets break it down......I find my lump early enough stage 2B breast cancer, I have the breast removed, I have a tram flap reconstruction, I do my 8 weeks of AC & T, I start my hormone therapy of tomaxifen, I get the all clear even without any further testing and 3 months later I'm told I now have cancer in my lungs,my liver, my brain and my it's called stage IV breast longer curable only treatable and I will be a cancer patient the rest of my life.....after reading all the above kinda makesya wonder if you want to be a cancer patient the rest of your life. Chronically ill people are a tough breed, we dig deep inside for what is worth fighting for and we fight for it and only sometimes do we let our mind wander to the otherside.

Tomorrow's a new day! I'll be around to see it!

Friday, October 12, 2007

Just what is a Tumor Marker Test?

Most of the time when I am sitting in Dr. Serious Office, I'm a very good patient..... I listen, I take notes in my Cancer Journal and I ask tons of questions. The only thing I never asked him about was....just what is a tumor marker test and what does it reveal........I just thought it would be too involved for my chemo, radiationed and narcotic damaged brain to comprehend.......So I never asked.

Well, last week a couple of my old, working brain cells must have reunited and hooked up because I finally ask a chemo angel of mine about the test. So here is what I learned......

First of all, the markers appear in non cancerous conditions & everyone has some + number, because they show a protein (in most cases) that everyone's cells normally make, but CA tumors make a lot more of it.  These markers go up/down to a certain degree in every person...even certain drugs & short term illnesses can affect them, as well as other serious diseases that again, are not cancerous.
They should not be used as the only tool (& I know your doctors do other testing as well) & on some people, they are not a good indicator.  BUT in general, if the protein production in the testing is high over time & climbing, there is a larger tumor burden & growning cancer. 
People vary, things should be  based on what your individual markers have been (reference range is affected by age & other factors)~ I say individual because I've known people, years out from successful cancer treatment, with no evidence of disease from any other testing BUT they have high markers, or at least higher than some... for them this can be normal. On the flip side, some may have low markers, & rejoice only to find out they have growing cancer from other tests.....
 It is more based on how your individual markers have gone.  If they were high, treatment lowered them & then they started creeping up again, & the diagnostic tests have showings   then that denotes recurrent disease.  Some have continuous rise right thru chemo & those people SHOULD GET ANOTHER OPINION & see what other options are available, sooner rather than later. 

Basically what it 'tests' & measures is cells most of the time normally made by everyone's body, but much moreproductive with cancer & higher tumor way higher in someone with active or recurrent cancer.
I want to thank my Chemo Angel for helping me with this, others have asked me in the past but I was unable to explain it to them.

This new chemo I am on Navelbine is horrid, I am having the worst time since I was diagnosed, hence so little new entries or visits to others journals.....My bedroom is 2 floors up and I basically have been to sick and weak to make the trip 2 floors down to where the family room is with our computer. I had to go to the cancer hospital Tuesday  for fluids and blood tests...I've been very sick. I can get partial blog alerts on my cell phone, but I am not a great text messenger by any means........I think you have to be under 25 to be good at it! lol

Well, I wanted to share what I learned and let you all know I'm still alive and new boots yet though, maybe next month.



Saturday, October 6, 2007

chemo, contract talks and boot shopping! lol

I've been a bad, bad blogger!  I haven't updated in 10 days! Well, when I showed up for my chemo last Tuesday I was running a slight fever but all my cbc's were good so I told Dr. Serious I still wanted the chemo treatment even with the fever, I was happy about the "Half dose" the week before because I hardly had any side effects so I was looking forward to the second half of the dose this past Tuesday. But it did make me wonder if I was screwing myself by not taking the full dose. If I have to have chemo for any chance to survive then I want to make sure I'm benefiting from it. Well, Dr. Serious saw it the same way so I had a full dose of the Navelbine.

So that is 2 full doses and a half dose...wont know if it's doing what it's supposed to until next batch of cat scans and tumor marker tests are taken. Physical Therapy is really helping my legs and my balance, I've gone grocery shopping by myself, I've run errands and last night we had dinner at our friends Jay and Annette's house. Felt good to sit out on the back deck after dinner and let the warm wind blow thru all 7 of my hairs! New chemo doesn't make your hair fall only thins it out...that means I should be down to 3 by the time they switch THIS chemo! lmaooooo

This week is my "Off chemo" week and I also don't have any P/T scheduled. I need this week....I want to nothing but I also want to boot shop....sorry just an addiction of mine....I tossed out all but 3 pairs of boots while "nesting" due to them being 4 years old and Chicago winters with it's salt really trashed them, so I tell myself and Jim! lol

I do tire easy so I try not to go to far from home, and it has been incredibly hot here in Chicago....October? High 80's? I don't like to be hot anyway so this killing me....I'm more of a mid 70's girl with a warm balmy breeze! lol

With the GM contract signed, there are going to be big changes in the health benefits area...should be interesting  seeing the difference in the two policies....I think Jim said they are no longer offering the BLUE CROSS/BLUE SHEILD HMO...... it served us well when our family was young ( 4 kids get sick a lot and like to recycle the same germs! lol) and at the Doctors office every office visit co-pay, no prescription co-pay, no out of pocket expenses.........Jim has informed me I am now HIGH MAINTENANCE! LOL.......

Oh well, I have a boot sale to get too sometime thisweekend! lol lol lol

AOL is no longer offering GM employees discounted AOL....if I now change Internet providers will I lose access to my AOL BLOGS? I'm not sure I'm ready to give up my's been my therapist, my security blanket, my pacifier, my link to some really wonderful, caring people.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Had my new chemo last Tuesday (Navelbine) Not liking it all... I ended up sleeping the weekend away except for a brief outing to my oldest daughters house for Dinner on Saturday where I proceeded to throw up my dinner, The last 3 chemo's I was on did not make me sick so I wasn't prepared for that "Ick" feeling all over again like I experienced with the very first type of chemo I had the AC &T,

So this week they gave me half of a dose of the new stuff and I go back next Tuesday and have the other half and maybe my body will have adjusted itself better to it, if not I don't know If I want to continue taking that chemo, quality of life has to play a role in here somewhere. I can't walk around fighting cancer when the treatment makes me wanna die. So far so good with the half dose, but I also want to make sure if I have to take this chemo I am getting a dose high enough to do it's job. You have no idea how sick I am of being sick! Ugh!!!!

I'm still doing physical therapy even after a rough last week, but I saw the difference the exercises I was doing at home and the 2 times a week I spend at the center have made and when I feel stronger, I feel more like my old self. Oh yeah, my tumor markers WERE DOWN last week. Dr. Serious based the change of chemo on the fact that even though they were down, the tumors on my liver and my lung were slightly larger than last time per my cat scan of my chest, abdomin and pelvic that is why the switch once again, on my chemo.

I was blessed with the news that my olderst Daughter and her Husband are ready to start a family come this spring......what better incentive to kick this disease than a goes on and I still want to be in it.....with a grandbaby on my hip of course! OK, Time to get ready for rehab!

Life is good and I am thankful!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Some good, some bad...but hey I'm still here right? lol

Ok, The chemo already stopped doing what it was supposed to be doing...the tumor markers went up, the tumor on my liver grew and so did the big one in my lung....good news I didn't need blood, I didn't need a lung tap, all the other tumors in my lungs became very small and my brain scan came back CLEAN!  Well at least my brain is in remission!!  :)  And Jim can only seem to find all but one lump near my spine....there were 4! And my new chemo is an IV PUSH which means I'm given a 15 minute bag of anti nausea meds along with flush liquid then the nurse uses a large syringe with my chemo in it and pushes through my porta cath.....(no worries no pain)....all done in less than a half an hour....before I'd be there 5, 6 7 hours! Ok, so 3rd time WAS NOT the charm...BUT>>>> I wouldn't have known it if I didn't try it right??? New Chemo is called  Navelbine and Navelbine Side Effects - Chemotherapy Drugs

So far I still feel good, there isn't supposed to be any fatigue with this, minor weakness but I'm hoping the physical therapy count reacts that side effect! I'm still banged up pretty good from my fall from the tub so I'm going to need to cancel Friday's PT appointment too. Kinda nice to get a 5 day break from having to do anything or go anywhere...Yeah I think I like that idea a lot!

Thanks for always taking time to read my blog, lift my spirits and for showing the kind of love that only J-Land is capable of sharing...I know not all see eye to eye on everything, but the majority is kind and caring and I have been very lucky to have met you all!


Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Pride cometh before yet another fall! GRRR!

Here I was being so smug thinking a couple of leg lifts and I'm ready to go full speed ahead and how does karma come back and bite me in the butt?? I fell out of the tub yesterday while trying to get out of it, of course that had to be that very same morning where I took the very cushy bathroom rugs out of there to wash them so I landed on a very cold, very hard floor........can you say ouch???

At first I thought I broke my right arm, it hurt to stretch it straight out, so I call Jim at work in tears of course, partly because I'm hurt, partly because I'm so damn mad! I was getting ready for my 2nd physical therapy....cancel that, I'm covered with ice packs! Because my 
Serum hemoglobin  is so low you should see the bruising that comes along with that! I'm almost as purple as that beloved purple dinosaur "BARNEY" Well, at least nothing is broken but a couple hundred blood vessels and between the previous physical therapy, the meds I'm on and falling down I feel like I have been thrown by a Brahma bull (more than once! lol) Jim works only 10 minutes from home so he was here in a flash, the arm is just sore not whole body is sore from the slam dunk.... it's a good thing I am already stocked up on pain medication.

But I'm still taking my colorful self for chemo today.... I refuse to give up my chemo schedule and I am sure I am going to get the same lecture from Dr. Serious Staff that I got from Jim......"If you would of had the walker waiting for you outside the tub you would have had something to hold onto as you were getting out!" So I'm back to being on lock down and no more showers during the day unless someone is home with me...... Well, so much for my short run with my old  independence! 44 year old stubborn Irish women aren't fond of using walkers at this age, so it just sits folded up in the corner of my room reminding me of all that cancer has taken from me and left behind....if I didn't know that someone could really use it when I'm done kicking this cancers ass I'd blow the damn thing up myself, but I know someone out there will need one and won't be able to afford it, so when I'm done I will donate it to a nursing home where I know someone will look at having that walker as a gift and not constant reminder of a difficult time in my life.

Monday, September 17, 2007

cancer blah! cancer blah! cancer blah!

Ok, I have to admit Physical Therapy is doing wonders for me! I have stretches to do at home and then some balancing to do between bars (not those kind of bars! LOL) parallel's my legs and my balance that I need the work on. I could already tell the difference at home on my stairs (really hating this tri-level now! LOL) I have PT twice a week, Mondays and Fridays. I will be doing some weight training too at some point.

Tomorrow is chemo day and I also see Dr. Serious about my brain MRI and Cat scan of my Chest/Abdomen/ Pelvic area......I'm a lil nervous about the brain MRI because my migraines are starting to come back and they left last year when I went into early menopause due to the chemo treatments.....but it is what it is and I will deal with it. Food is back to being blah so it's just small bites of this and that to give me the strength to get through the day, I'm even taking vitamins! Do you know how long my Mother has been trying to get me to take vitamins?? probably over 35 years! lol So I'm a slow learner! lol I wish I liked the health shakes more, easy nutrition... but I stop short of gagging when I think I have to drink one, or it takes me a half an hour to get it down my throat!

Friday morning  I actually left the house by myself, I needed a couple of warm shirts for the cooler weather since none of my old clothes fit me anymore...."Extreme Cancer Make-Over" not the way I wanted to do it, but chit happens right? I guess cancer looks good on me! lol lol lol

We spent the weekend at the lake and I actually joined everybody for a couple of hours around the fire pit....I surprised even Jim when I came walking up that hill..a little bit of normal felt good, of course by the time I was ready to go back Jim had to walk with me, but it felt so good to be able to do something that I took for grant it all these years...a simple walk through the woods..........alone.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Me and My Guy and quick update (revised)

Lil Jimmy behind the lens 2007

It's going to be another crazy couple of weeks but at I least I'm off chemo this week...I have to go in today for labs and  my bi-weekly shot of Aranesp  Aranesp®--Prescribing Information   and then I have to wait and get the lab results to see if I am going to be getting another blood transfusion today. 2 pints = 5 hours but I love the staff and we have a good time when my favs are there. So far I have 6 sessions of PT set up with more to follow I'm sure.

Tomorrow I have my psychical therapy evaluation and my 1st session...I have a feeling I'm not going to like it all, but I know it will do me a world of good getting my strength back and maybe some more of my independence....missing that the most! Now my 16 year old daughter who has her permit is LOVING that she gets to drive Mom everywhere....Someday's I have no problem focusing on driving, other days I have the attention span of a gnat..... Chemo, Norco, morphine patch, liquid morphine.....Me on the road? Rachel on the road? Both scare the hell out of me! lol

My days of multitasking are going to be put on hold....That frustrates me the most.....but boy do I love when I have a good thinking day!!! Where everything falls into place and I have some what of a "normal" day. Still waiting for the puffiness of the steroids to wear off...Dr. Serious weened me off of them because he thinks that is what is causing the leg's always something! lol lol lol


Dr. Serious was on vacation last week, the test results have not been studied yet (Brain MRI and CatScan of C/A/P)   BUT.........I didn't need anymore blood, I didn't need the Aranesp shot AND my tumor markers were down.....3 good things IN A ROW!!!!

Life is good and I am thankful!

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Go rest high on that mountain

One of my Girlfriends (Mar) recently lost her Grandmother-In-Law, She was a VERY special lady....made you feel like you were welcome and a new member of the family and extremely quick witted..........loved her instantly! Her service and burial took place yesterday. Even though I just had chemo the day before, and that I am battling a sinus infection, an ear infection and just my normal leg weakness.....I wanted and had to be there!  I really started to not feel well at the end of the service. So now we are on the way to the cemetery for a graveside burial and me thinking that there was going to be a building around with a rest room....nope....So I spy a bank parking lot across this small grassy field with just a few tiny bushes to walk through and I get half way across the grass and my legs give the funeral processions is driving by my as I'm trying to pick myself up out of the Girlfriends daughter and her best friend got to me first and helped me up....was I embarrassed? No! Just wasn't one of my shining moments.....but Goldylocks never fell of me head! lmaoooooo!!!!.A lil water and a lil air conditioning and I was all better. Then later that day I had a glass of red wine spilled on my new white accident Carlie! My friends youngest child I wish you didn't run off and hide...I'll get you next time with grape juice! lol lol lol JUST KIDDING!!!

The rest of the after noon was touring my GF Aunts house and grounds. Just beautiful! Took off in the golf cart to see the woods, the old barns, the new Barns by the time we got back to the main house I'm pulling burrs out of Goldilocks and Mishy is pulling them of the seat of her pants...another funny moment we always seem to have when we are you two!!!

Soon as I get the new test results, I'll share! Have a good day!

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

In quest of an organic pastry shop! lol

Had chemo yesterday...jut the one dose the Gemzar and finally was able to get the last 2 Tumor Marker test results..........AND THEY ARE WAAAY DOWN!!
MAYBE third time's a charm huh? My blood work wasn't fabulous, (platelets) but I begged and I pleaded and they gave in as long as I go in Friday for 2 bags of blood (4 hour process and since I have to be there Thursday for my Brain MRI and cat scan of the chest/abdomin/pelvic , I might as well bring in a pup tent (me and boo of course) a sleeping bag and

Somemores and hang out there till next week when physical therapy starts! lol

I felt stronger and my legs didn't give me that much trouble now that Dr. Serious is once again weaning me off of the steriods....I think physical therapy will do long as they don't hurt me too bad trying to put me back together again...I would really hate it if my Irish temper got in the way with some ones face and my foot...I heard P/H can be pretty painful....I'll just norco the chit out of myself and maybe I won't care what they do to me! lol lol lol

Hope everyone had a great weekend.......too hot here in Chi-Town for me so no direct sunlight or even reflective ( I burn waaay to easy) and the air was too hot to take into my lungs...thank God for dusk and early mornings! The pig roast was a big chocolate cup cake was even better!

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Visit Photographic Memories to see more vacation pics

I posted more vacation pics in my photo blog.....the link is on the top of my "Other Journals" still more to come but I'm spending the weekend at the lake again..........Pig Roast!


Enjoy your Labor Day Weekend!!!!!



Thursday, August 30, 2007

black bears, black squirrels...and health update

I had my 4th double dose of the Gemzar and the carboplatin on Tuesday afternoon....I didn't feel very well afterwards..a lil sick to my stomach.....a lil dizzy....but that was the first time that I had a side effect...with this new chemo cocktail..not bad huh?? I still managed a dinner out with just my the way during my vacation up north I cooked and ate like a feind...gained 4 damn pounds back....a Woman with cancer still has issues with her weight...we are a strange lot aren't we? lol lol lol

Ok, now for the serious stuff....tumor markers up both times YIKES!!! New tests are being ordered as I type.... a ct scan - c/a/p (chest, abdominal and pelvic) with and with out contrast....can you say YUM on the orange flavored Barium??? PUKE! lol lol lol And I personally think something is going on in the brain again...since middle of vacation...small seizures have returned and I haven't had one of those since first being diagnosed with breast new Brain MRI too.  Such is life huh? Hair is still MIA but I still don't give a rats butt! lol lol lol....late night drive, moon roof open, my favorite guy sitting next to me....then ruined completely when I'm hit in the head by a bug or pooped on, either way I didn't want to know what hit my head! lmaooooo!

Now On to more serious business..... I brought along a whole list of questions for Dr. is how that went down.

Can I take a multivitamin...yes

Fatigue meds?...Yes  (Thanks Mary) (Provigil)

Leg weakness is unbearable.....Thinks it's the steriods...being weened off of them, being put in a rehab program since once again I wiped out..this time in the chemo room....legs just give out....I'm so graceful...just like a swan huh?? Lmaoooo....A lil worried about my left arm.  I had 24 lymph nodes removed from there and now that I partially blocked my fall on that arm I'm a lil worried about Lymphedema 

Am I ever going to be eligible for stem cell transplant or a bone marrow according to
Dr Alexander Hantel, MD
Medical Director Oncology Services
Edward Hospital
Professor Of Medicine
Division of Hematology/Oncology
Loyola University Stritch School of Medicine

Neither treatment has helped with Breast Cancer Patients...its more for cancers of the blood....Since I will never be curable only treatable as a life long cancer patient this isn't an option. Anybody have a different opinion on this one or been told the same thing?? Appreciate any and all feedback.

I will find out about new tumor marker test results tomorrow and I have to have the other tests run within 3 weeks before my next visit with Dr. Serious....They are sneaking me in early for both tests....I think by the middle of next week.... and rehab starts the week after that...they wanted me to do chemo one day then start rehab the next girl behind the desk......sorry new girl I need a day or two to bounce back! lol And did I mention I keep getting lost in my bedroom??? 15 years same house, same bedroom, chemo is hell on the mind and body...Jim hears me bouncing around sniffling, getting ready to lose it and rescues me from the master bathroom, the closets, and the hallways.....dangerous for this lil weeble that falls down! lol really hating this tri-level about now..........gonna get a slip and slide for the two main hallways! lol lol lol and then some kind of pulley system to go back up....they give me a walker....when I have 2 staircases......walker is wider then the stairs! lol

Enjoy your weekends and your family.....time together is so precious!


Now real black bear paw print? Or clever 15 year son tying to freak his momma out?? lol

And is this not the cutest little black squirrel you have ever seen??? LOL

They want me to start physical therapy ASAP, I can't agree fast enough! I have to build up my own strength get back somewhat of my old life (come as I go, do as I please) Since I seem to fall about once a week....they gave me a walker....we are having a pig roast at our lake this weekend .....maybe I'll take Gramma Annie on in a walker race! I'll give her the outside edge for a lil momentum! lmaoooo

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Back From Wisconsin a day early...finally dealing with the tears.

This has been possibly the most emotional week of my life....416 days into my cancer diagnosis and I  am finally falling apart...Hayward Wisconsin was so-so....I had one evening on the boat alone with Jim when my 15 year old son called on the walkie talkie to tell Big Jim he had a tick embedded in his stomach and that he can feel it moving around.....Jim's best advice slather it with Vaseline...the head can't hurt you from what I understand the toxins are in the body....with vasaline it suffocates they try to back out we turn the boat around after maybe an hour of fishing (me no such luck! fish wise)(lol)......wasn't a tick after all it was an itty bitty leach...pick your ick factor! lol.....Jim was able to roll it up on a tooth pick and flush it away.....I never got back out to fish....something humiliating about trying to crawl in and out of a boat on all fours.....not sure if it's humiliation or humble pie......I basically cried all week........several times a day.......but when I read about Mother Theresa having to fight her own doubts after living what she has lived and seen the suffering she has witnessed I don't feel so conflicted between the whole religion-evolution as I AM very sure so people many do. I do believe in a better place than here....I have had family members cross back and forth before their last breath to share what they have seen....that itself is a true miracle! To me Mother Theresa is already a Saint........she took on the needs and roles far too many people were to afraid to take...........CAN YOU SAY ANGEL WHO ONCE WALKED AMONG US???

I didn't get out of the cabin as much as I legs are still giving me a lil trouble....but since I have been sick and haven't done hardly any family cooking I cooked up a storm in that cabin....I promised Jim I would gain 3 pounds I think he gained 12! lol....since I don't own a scale I will have to wait till Tuesday to see if I hit my goal....I'm still on a low dose of steroids so I have been eating a lot in the middle of the night...Jim said,"I don't care what time you eat just eat!" lol

I'm a smart woman, I know I'm a smart I have to get passed that stubborn Irish woman and maybe it's time to get a second opinion.....huh Mary?....I'm starting to wax and wane with this treatment of my cancer.  Jeanne that book you sent me on HOPE OR WAS IT FAITH? (SORRY CAN'T SEEM TO REMEMBER AT THE MOMENT) The Author beat terminal stage 4 breast cancer after a rough spell trying to get her insurance to pay for the bone marrow transplant...The Insurance actually didn't want to pay because after all it was "ONLY BREAST CANCER"..that book made more sense to me than "THE SECRET" which did NOTHING but repeat what every other Author who was in the compilation of that insane book trying to sound like they came up with that term themselves!  Anybody else with me on this one???? lol lol lol

Just what is the criteria for a bone marrow transplant anyway...I have numerous cancer tumors on my spine, my new belly boob, at least one so far on my liver......hoping the Brain tumor has gone for good...a couple on my left leg....I see Dr. Serious Tuesday...I can ask him my many new questions.....This Book that Jeanne sent me....the Author/Patient worked for General Motors....which my Jim does too....and even though her treatment (BMT) and remission and reoccurrence and remission once again....after all Ford has done for Breast Cancer Awareness (WARRIORS IN PINK) and you can bet if General Motors even tries to shy away from covering a bone marrow transplant if I need one to kill off this cancer once and for all....ohhh am I gonna get loud! LOL LOL LOL...Hence the name DEMANDNLILCHIT!!!!!!!   I have no doubt that if I do need a Bone MarrowTransplant that my insurance won't let me down...if that can cure me or put me in remission then theybetter give me a chance at it or this 5'00 foot Pink Warrior is really gonna get her Irish Temper in a twist! lol

I am very grateful for everything they have done for me...excellent benefits...maybe $300 out of pocket on co-pays total for Specialists and medicine co-pays...forover a year...But I know I am worth much more than a car, an SUV and a truck and I am pretty sure my Husband, children, friends and my J-land-family will agree.

I was able to get out for a long car ride and did get some amazing wild life shots...give me some time and I will post them on "Photographic Memories" Blog soon (found on top of side bar)

Again the tears I have cried in no way compromise my strength to do my best and beat this beast and have the rest of my HAPPILY EVER AFTER........DAMN IT!!!!!!!!...........LMAOOO!!!!!!

Friday, August 17, 2007

Bald Eagles,Northern Lights (some Corona lite beer too) lol and Bears! OH MY!



Computer is back and running.......Yipeeeee!  As promised I wanted to show what a tumor that is visible from the outside of the body looks like...When I first noticed it, I kinda giggled to myself as I showed Dr. Serious that it looked like my body was trying to make it's own new nipple...only off by an inch and a half to the left of where it should be...even Dr. Serious got a kick out of that and laughed hard himself..the nurses are always so surprised that I get him to laugh so often....(Extremely warped sense of Irish humor on my part! LOL)

So boys and girls..yes even men get breast cancer.......check thoroughly for any lumps, bumps, rippling (which is what my new one has), redness, tenderness, you name see a Doctor about it...IMMEDIATELY!!!!  I did and I also did everything my Doctors told me to do and I'm still dealing with cancer. And even though there have been some rough days over this past year, it really and I mean this truly from the bottom of my hasn't been as bad or as scary as I thought having cancer would be. I have too many other wonderful things to be thankful to let this cancer get me down. I stumble now and then (literally fall down) sometimes that frustrates me to a tear or two, but most of the time I'm back on my feet and ready to start that step all over again.

In my last posting I hoped I thanked all my prayer warriors, my good karma senders, my well wishers, but I forgot to thank all my Chemo Angels....Jeanne I know your trying real hard to get healthy and lose some unwanted weight but I hope you know girlfriend that what all that is nothing but pure heart! are all heart girlfriend!..and I love you for it!  So many of you brighten my day and I appreciate every gift, card and prayer sent my way!  When I finally beat this beast I will pay it forward....we are all on this earth to make it a little easier for the next person in need whether it be a prayer, a card or a really good hug or even time spent chatting...some people just need to talk and have a sincere ear to listen to them....such a simple gift of the heart.

Have a great weekend everyone.....I'm going where the eagles fly, the northern lights put on the best show on if the 3 baby black bears stop showing up on the caretakers back porch I might just survive this trip...petrified of bears like you wouldn't believe! But I do still giggle when I watch that old 80's movie "The Great Outdoors" with John Candy....Bear! Big Bear! Big, Big Bear! Big bear gonna get me! Big bear gonna eat me!....ROARR!.....I just love that movie!  If the baby bears do come around you can bet I won't be the one trying to get it on film....I'll sacrifice one of the kids maybe! lmaoooooo

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Thursday, August 16, 2007

I'm doing great! My computer not so well...virus=shop

I'm sorry I haven't posted again in a while...right now my computer has a virus and is at the shop at the moment....some sight one of the teenagers went to...Arghhhhh!

I had another double dose of chemo on Monday and NO FOUR DAY COMA.....I feel terrific! I am nowhere nearly as weak as I was when I depleated myself of food last time  and like I said I won't be doing that again....took a very long time to bounce back from that! In fact I have been haunting the house at night cleaning...strange side effect huh??? lol  Sorry not hiring out at the moment! lol I did mess up on Monday thought, I was supposed to be there at 8:00 A.M. for a Doctor visit, get my tumor marker results, have the chemo but I didn't write down the time in my cancer appointment book and I showed up at 1:30 which I thought was my normal time....thing is Mondays aren't my normal Dr. appointments.....Tuesdays are at that time....Dr. Serious is at another location late Monday afternoons.

They weren't sure if I was going to be able to get the chemo because last time my blood platelets were only 14......but because I had that week break in between and I am taking much better care of myself nutritionally they shot up to over 400....again go me! lol  I'm still having weakness in my legs more than not and living in a tri-level isn't exactly fun right now....I'm doing so much better with this last chemo (Monday)

With it being over a year now battling this and trying to find a chemo that works, then seeming to have to adjust to new side effects, new dosages it seems after every blood test.....I am really looking forward to more of a same old, same old routine.....sometime...maybe.

Well, I just wanted to give a quick update on me and my even sicker computer and I still plan on posting a picture of the tumor visible on the breast they said cancer would never reoccur in...they said no breast tissue.... no more cancer...I guess I will always be the exception to things that rarely the mastectomy not working, 2 chemos (so far) that worked momentarily then stopped and still crossing fingers that this Gemzar and Carboplatinum is the right blend this time.

I also want to once again tell all of you who have been with me since the beginning of my blog (August-2004) and the beginning of my illness (July 2006) how much you all mean to me....your support, your encouragement to fight even harder and your heartfelt comments do so much to carry me on more days than you will every many of you call me inspiring.....when it's you and my friends and my family that inspire me everyday. Illness and death are a part of life and come what may I have truly been blessed with much love in my life and love is all I need.....OK, and really good Japanese food once in awhile! lol

I'll update again as soon as my computer is fixed.


Friday, August 10, 2007


All my life I have been in control of body...I wanted to do something I did it, without thinking here I am at 44 and I am no longer in charge of it. I had no idea of how much freedom I really had until I got sick. When I was first diagnosed and first treated with A,C & T chemo I had good days and bad days but my good days let me be the "on the go girl" I had days I could do whatever I wanted to do. Then we found out the treatment stopped working and moved onto a new chemo, I was told that it would be an easier functioning type of chemo but the side effects of the chemo really sidelined me with pain, so back on steriods I went and within 12 hours I was back to being pain free but really too weak to do now I'm on a new chemo again and I am still not in control of my body....I sleep too much, I eat too little and it seems my will is not my own right damn frustrating.....I miss being able to come and go as I please.

Today was the first time I left the house on my own in over a month even if it was just for coffee, it felt so good to get out on my own, behind the wheel  :) More than anything I want all my strength back so I can come and go as I please....I hope this is the chemo that works and that we can finally get me on a regular schedule so far it's been a year of trying to adjust to chemo's, new side effects...I just want more normal days.

I will be posting a picture soon (kinda graphic) of the tumors that are visible on the outside of my reconstructed left boob. Most tumors are on the inside and you are only able to feel it, but I want you to see what it can look like too. I's so weird to know that here I am taking all this treatment and my body continues to grow these damn tumors! Jim can feel the ones along my spine and said that they are much smaller than they were before I started this new chemo....I just hope this one doesn't crap out on my like the last two...the one on my left boob doesn't look like it's changed much....I'm just hoping for a huge drop in my tumor maker test. (Find out Monday)

I know so many of you that read my blog have either gone through cancer yourself or are taking care of someone who is, so I just wanted to share this new thing I'm going through...loss of freedom and how very frustrating it is for me and that it a new aspect for me to deal with and that the person you might be taking care of no matter what the illness is might be experiencing the same thing but not able to articulate it just yet.

Have a great weekend everybody....I'm going to the lake! And I'm driving myself! lol

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Hiya!...long time no keyboard! lol

I think might be the longest I've ever stayed away from my blog! I'm still trying to adjust to my new chemo, not as harsh as the A,C and T that they give you when you are first diagnosed with breast cancer but not as easy as the Xeloda. The first week they gave me back to back treatments to get a jump start..that was a Monday, I didn't wake up till Thursday......seriously! Whenever I woke up it was day light but I didn't know if it was A.M. or P.M. I lost 7 pounds in my sleep even though Jim tried everything to get me to eat including calling in the reinforcements! lol Mom, Sister, Brother....2nd chemo was only 1 dose.......not so much a coma that week....still tasted buds are M.I.A :( 3rd week just blood work but they already had to reduce my chemo....blood count dropped enough to warrant it. So I'm hoping by the this time next week I'm settled into a routine with the new chemo/sleep....I still lose my words (very frustrating), I still lose my voice after each chemo session....So just when I start to have some really good days ( bad days aren't bad at all...not sick just hard is that right?? lol lol lol) ..... its chemo time again! lol Other than that we just did tumor marker tests yesterday and I won't know the results of those until next Monday... So once again I throw my faith, trust and hope into a new batch of chemo and hope 3rd time is the charm!

I'm going to be going up north soon and I can't wait!.....Bald Eagles, Northern Lights, friends we only get to see once a year and I hope by then I will regained enough of my strength that I carelessly gave away. It's weird, I've never gone that long without almost proper (I'm bad) nourishment and how fast it attacks the body and the mind...everything gets weak on you, your muscles, your eyesight, your mind plays tricks on many times I thought I heard things I didn't, seen things that weren't there! Some of it was pretty funny but it had Jim worried enough that he took off last Friday because he thought he was going to have to hospitalize me for dehydration and maybe a feeding tube. I'm not going to let myself do that again....fridge is stocked with ensure, boost, carnation instant breakfast and moose tracks ice cream! lol.....vanilla of course!

Well, I'm going to try and catch up on journals....I turned a majority of them off when I was in Kentucky last month so I wouldn't be overwhelmed when I got back and I haven't been on the computer since right before my 1 year anniversary with cancer.......July 27, 2006....I thought I would have a hard time with that, but I didn't, just another day.......besides I have something better to spend my thoughts wedding anniversary is tomorrow and I have way more than a year to go through and realize all that I have been blessed with.....starting with the Man I married......My Jim....blessed indeed!

I have also been very fortunate to have the best insurance which covers my whole treatment....which leaves me with a trail and error of prescriptions...half many people could use this medicine....does anyone know a program that will take my old meds and give them to those less fortunate (which means FREE) I know my girlfriend was able to do that with her shots while trying to get pregnant....once she was pregnant they gave those shots to couples who didn't have the best of insurance or who's insurance didn't cover trying to get pregnant at all.....any info would be helpful!



Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Where my head is at today 7-24-07

So I show up at the hospital Saturday afternoon, they told me to completely medicate myself up myself up since I am going to be flat on my back which what causing me the most pain anyway.....they say take two Norco and to bring my liquid I am comfortable, do I bring it? NOOOO! I forget it all at the lake...they wanted to know if I wanted to send someone to get it or have the Doctor order a new little prescription, nope lets just cowgirl up and get this over with.........well with being on the table for an hour and 15 minutes, I needed to be lifted off the sciatica was killing me!

The spine came back with signs of cancer but Dr. Serious felt that treating all the cancer this time instead of just the spine would be the most beneficial so it was on to the new chemo...1 st week I receive both chemo's for Patients and Caregivers – Information About Treatment with GEMZAR for Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer, Pancreatic C... and CARBOPLATIN - INJECTION (Paraplatin) side effects, medical uses, and drug interactions.

 3rd week no drugs which works out great I won't have to worry about skipping vacation up north for a lil fishing which is a tradition we have been doing for years so I am very happy about I have 1 week on one drug, second week on the second drug then I'm off the third week....hoping fanatically this one works! And waiting to see what side effects I get to enjoy with this one and how long they will last for, so far just a ton of confusion.

I want to send out my heartfelt feelings to you all for everytime I just need to vent or open my soul you lift my spirits so high and carry me, you make me feel that my time here on earth is not over yet, that I have things still left to accomplish and people left to inspire, what a gift to me you are all and I feel every hug, every good wish every prayer and it makes my soul soar so high to help the next person who needs that extra lift that I need from time to time and I love you all dearly for it.....I hope that there is at least one time that I was able to carry your troubled heart and make something a lil better for you...this world is a better place for those who sometimes walk besides us!



Saturday, July 21, 2007

Sick of that other shoe always dropping! Grrrrr!

Then it seems the 'other shoe' has to drop! Grrrrr! Even though the news was good on the brain MRI (NED ) the cancer marker tests came up sky high, I have new visible tumor on the outside of my new( left boob) and I have an emergency MRI of my spine in an hour to see if there is something growing or deteriorating from there. It seems I take one step forward and get knocked FOUR steps back!!!!!

So I'm off the Xeloda now that too has stopped working for me, how can I still be producing cancer even though I have been on this chemo for 2+ months..........that's 2 chemo's that seemed to have failed me after a lil while of working for me. Even Dr. Serious is concerned with how aggressive this cancer is.

There are many stages that go along with "dealing" with  cancer  ..........  shock, denial, fear, lot of what if's, then you settle into routine, you show up when the doctor tells you to, take each and every test hoping for the " Best" show back up again hoping the news will go in your favor and either go  and celebrate (briefly) or move on to the next test, or next treatment........the whole time wondering which of the 2 categories you will luckily fall into.........the survivors? or the the beginning I thought and believed what the Doctors statistics were telling me "You can beat this!!!" Now I am not so seems no matter how I beat it down it comes back faster, with more vengeance and a you are going down attitude, luckily I have been just as strong, just as tuff but now other answers are starting to invade my head.....scenarios that know one wants to hear play out........I am already at peace with either outcome.....even though others' are not ready to hear it.....Me I keep thinking who will go through my house when I'm gone to help Jim and what will they find and how horrified will I be even on the other side???? lol lol lol

A million dirty dishes under the teenagers's Beds?? Jimmy Hoffa himself in the attic or crawl space? What of my personal belongings? I am a Jewelry girl....I have numerous Wedding rings ( same guy folks ) so called me spoiled!!! just how many fishing poles or shot guns, tree stands and tackle boxes does one man need anyway???? I rest my case for everyone woman out there! each Daughter of mine have a piece of Mom to walk down the aisle with if I'm personally not there to attend....Even my Son will have one if he chooses to marry his wife with one of my rings, I've already told them make pendants out of them and there is your something "old" I am so glad that at least I have seen one get wed and the two older ones graduate High School.There really a lot of details to over when you look at the finished picture.

I know you are used to me attacking cancer and giving a good fight but at sometime I might have a different path to face and I need you to remember not every pink warrior wins the  battle and that some they will loose the our Dear Pamela.

So this is where I stand today.....back on steroids, off of Xeloda, waiting to find out if I am starting spine radiation on Monday or a new chemo regiment...But as usual I will show up in my Pink Warrior mode and continue with my destiny........OOOO RAHHHHH!

Now for a shout hout out to the every day heroes, the every day warriors and the people that put their lives on the line every day voluntarily......They do it for the RED, WHITE AND BLUE....... for ME and for YOU!!!!! OUR SOLDIERS!!! You are the true warrrioros, the true everyday heros!

Stay strong and stay safe until you come home! God Bless you too!

Friday, July 20, 2007

Meet N.E.D. Ü

I want you to meet NED, he's my new best friend, I was introduced to him earlier this afternoon.....He stands for No Evidence of Disease.....whick means that there isn't anymore cancer taking up residence in my brain! Oh happy day, oh happy day.........I'll post more as the test results come in! Now I am still working on the lungs and that small spot of my left boob, spine nd liver.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

And where it stops nobody knows.......

Ok, Friday afternoon yes I know, I purposely picked Friday the 13th and had my newest brain MRI and  then today they will be doing  a new Cancer Tumor Marker test along with my cbc's and other stuff and then next Friday I meet with Dr. Serious ad Dr. Nuke and we go over the latest info.

I will bring him up to speed on my strength, endurance all around yucky feeling and living on maybe 350 calories a day....I know....not good! but if something doesn't appeal to me I can't eat it. I can't tell you how many things Jim has prepared for me or ran out and bought for me to only take one bite out of it and say"YUK!".....well I am still calling this "My Extreme Cancer Make Over" NOTHING aappeals to this  last round of chemo......... Good for my ass but bad for the rest of my body. They say that the possible long term side effects from the whole head radiation could be a change in personality.....Hmmmm maybe My Momma will her good lil Irish Cathoilic girl always wanted??? Only time will tell! lol lol lol

We got back from Kentucky where all of My Jim's family lives, late Tuesday night and I slept my sleepy butt dead for almost 2 days.....maybe a road trip wasn't exactly what the Doctor ordered talk about saddle sore but I needed to see Jim's family and they needed to see me and it was Jimy's Brother Allen who broke the code as to the changes that have taken place with me since I got sick....I  got quiet as a church un -like me! I'm more like a loud vegas act that borders a lil on the raunchy side of the strip! lol lol lol
I only went out to the lake once this weekend, spent most of today  sleeping the day's becoming a love/hate relationship with my bed. My Jims are at Nascar Race....both in total heaven for sure........I don't get it myself if I'm going to go round and round it's gonna be at a mall! lol Now that kind of lapping I totaly understand! lol


side note AJ from SC, Arlene......So many times I have tried to write you an email but you don't have it where your accepting my email adress. Can you change that so I can email your back from time to time?

Thanks Kim

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I'm back from my road trip and I am weary, but I am still glad I went! lol My In-Laws took the news hard, even though I had good news to go along with it, my Brother-In Law is having a harder time accepting the changes in my personality, He told Jim that he is not used to me being still, being quiet...that he misses my bubbly personality and my chatty Kathy me it didn't seem that I had changed that much but I guess I have because I have heard that before about how quiet I've become.

When I see Dr. Serious next week I am going to ask him if there is anything that I can be given to perk me up, I'm tired of sleeping most of my days away....I would like a lil more energy during the day to meet friends and family. I didn't take hardly any pics due to the fact of fatigue.........the day of their reunion I came home and the slept for 24 hours straight! That scared the hell out of My Jim, every couple of hours "Are you OK?" "Are you OK?"............I will be if ya let me sleep! lol

If I have any picture worthy photographs I will post them's nap time again! lol lol lol

Friday, July 6, 2007


Yeah, Yeah....isn't Grandma Annie just precious! That woman has cracked a few hard plastic hairbrushes over my head in her day! lol well deserved I'm sure but still....... OUCH! She likes to tell the story about when I was about 4 years old we just moved to Illinois From a Texas Military base and she was trying to get me to sit still so she could brush my hair.... I told her

OWWW! Your hurting my pretty hair and she said down the end of her don't have pretty hair! Ya that came out on therapy! lol lol lol lol Now with me losing my hair twice in 8 months that story makers her cry.........all is forgiven dear one... all is forgiven! She is where I get my fight from her and My Mother.....Both strong, strong women!

Ok, now for the real reason I'm doing an entry.........

ROAD TRIP!!!!!!!!
I am heading South to the's that time of year for the family reunion and we have yet to still tell Ruth and James that I'm still sick. We have our own reasons from keeping this from them until now because the last time they kept burying me until they saw with their own eyes that even though I still have cancer and it has done the unthinkable (spread) So we wanted to tell them face to face so they can see I am still in my battle mode. I also feel this has given them 6 months of peaceful grace instead of worrying every time the phone rang, or the doorbell rang....I will leave her to tell the rest of the family at the reunion. I can't even remember if we made it last years reunion, it was right after Melissa and Tony's wedding and right around my diagnostic breast mammo and ultra sound.

It is so WEIRD to know you have a memory issue......pick one I got many to choose it from the tumor on my brain?Is it from all the chemo? is it just because I was a real blonde I'm just a hairless cat! Is it from the radiation treatments? is it from the morphine? the Norco? So when I come up blank....I just file that under "CHIT! Oh well!" lol again if I knew back then (High School) what I know now I wouldn't have intentionally sacrificed soooo many brain cells......Who Knew??? Lmaoooo

See ya when I see ya and yes I'm bringing the camera....Jim is so worried that a bootlegger is gonna take me out or worse I'll stumble across a Met lab..........could be trouble! I don't think he's gonna leave me to my own free will for a long time!