Tuesday, November 6, 2007

No chemo Tuesday...just TMT

Today was no chemo Tuesday, just had some blood work ( tumor marker test) so they will have the results for my appointment next Tuesday.... this is when the new chemo I'm trying usually stops working for me, the visible tumor on the outside of my left breast is no longer flat against my skin and is a very angry red in color......I don't think that's a very good sign....I think Dr. Serious will probably order another new thoracic cat scan and I need to do my six month follow up pelvic exam too.  Life sure is different for me than in was 16 months ago. Sometimes I feel like a life size voodoo doll! lol lol lol

My Son Lil Jimmy's hamster passed away 3 days ago and it devastated him, I think he was finally able to put that kind of painful loss to what my cancer can do now....he begged me don't ever give up Mom...........I love you and I will really miss you! That was kinda sweet to be missed more than a deceased, beloved hamster. Like I have said before death is only painful for those that are left behind. I don't think I could bare losing Jim or survive the broken heart of losing ones child. It was breaking my heart to see  him so broken hearted so we now have a new hamptster named "Carson" Lil Jimmys smile is back on his face and that puts the smile back on this Momma's face!

Life and death.... a cycle that is as old as time and still just as painful. I am at peace with whatever life or death has in store for me.....it's knowing the heartbreak my loved ones will go through is what brings tears to roll down my face instantly. That is when all this seems so unfair.....I'm the one that gets cancer and they are the ones who get punished for it.

Do I believe that we all meet up again somewhere? Yes I do whether its called heaven, another realm, hell for some or maybe just somewhere over the rainbow, but I believe that when two hearts love each other so much, they are destined to find one another again and that's also the reason I believe in love at first sight.....those two hearts were together already before....I'm not a very religious person, but I know the power of true, ever lasting love..otherwise how do we survive our children's teenage years without killing them! lol lol lol


libragem007 said...

It was nice to read your entry here and I know you're going through a lot..please know that you being positive come what may is making a difference..


emmapeeldallas said...


You are a true warrior...and always so positive!  

I'm not religious myself, but like you, I believe that when two hearts love each, they are destined to find one another again...and I love what you said about surviving our children's teenage years without killing them!  ;p

Your son sounds like a sweet, sensitive boy who very much appreciates his wonderful mom.

I'm thinking good thoughts for you.


psychfun said...

Prayers are love when you think about it & being surrounded by love has the power to heal. Ugly cancer can not really have power over anyone where there is love. :-) So here come my prayers!

astoriasand said...

Bullets would have been rolling down my cheeks,if my son had said those words to me KIM.This is also what worries me many times.The ones we leave behind.Sorry son lost his dear pet.I had to laugh at your statement about the teenage yrs.LOL.I pray your results are good next week.Keep going Kim we are all fighting with you.Prayers for all of you continueing.Take Care God Bless Kath
astoriasand http://journals.aol.co.uk/astoriasand/MYSIMPLERHYMES

sybilsybil45 said...

What a lovely son you have, but you know that already. It is really awful when we loose a pet...at any age....but when I think back I am sure all these "little" times of grief prepare us perhaps for bigger ones.    Sorry thye tumor on your breast is not behaving as we would like it to. Hopefully it is just another "blip"  you sure are our warrior. I don't think I have EVER known someone as strong as you are.  Prayers as always winging there way heavenward for you.  Love  Sybil xx

easteeleco said...

hugs to you and your son. Prayers for your continued fight against cancer. Hugs, Estela

danpat923 said...

How old is your son?  My son at age 14 (Now 16) helped me when my mother died.  He had to ride with me for 2 hours not knowing if my mom was alive or dead.  He expressed his thoughts of the life to death cycle, and it made sense.  By the time I reached the hospital and saw my brother on a curve I knew that she was gone. My sons' wisdom (at age 14) made sense and helped me take control of the other family members that weekend.  I was able to be the strongest one (I am the youngest of 5) and guide them thru the process that we needed to follow.

Since then my daddy also passed on and I again was able to deal with that loss with the feeling that the time has come for him to meet my mom.  I don't know if he went to heaven, as I know my mother did!!! But I hope they met up after 63 years together on earth.
Here is a website that I started for them.

My son and I talk about death, he will survive and grow with or without me in his life and that is what I would like to see.

ukgal36 said...


canyonsun04 said...

I beleive we all find each other on the other side in heaven. I feel like you do, that it seems the family is punished and in some ways we get off easier then they do.  I don't get that either. I worry about you, but I really worry about your family and now your son, I think this whole hamster thing was a eye opener for him. <sigh> Oh yea, and there is true everlasting love all right, I'm with you on the kid thing sweetie :)

hugsdoodlewacky said...

(((((((((((((((HUGSTOYOU))))))))))))))))))))))I am sorry about your Sons Hamster,but that was so sweet what He told you of not giving up.I belive you are a fighter.

candlejmr said...

((((((Kimberleigh))))))))  This is such a true entry about the heartache of those left behind.  I hope God shines on you and that next Tuesday holds some wonderfully positive news for you and that your son will continue to have his mom in his life for many, many, many years to come.  In the meantime, I am praying for you and holding you close in my heart always.


kirkbyj05 said...

How sad your son lost his hamster and it made him think of loosing you.  Pets do help children to come to accept death as being part of life.
It's hard to avoid those moments when you are asked to think of your mortality and the reactions that will cause in your family.
I like the idea that some mother's have come up with of filling a box with memories of notes and letters, photos or objects of what life with those left behind meant to them. Something personal and meaningful to them both.
I am in the process of doing that myself even though I have been given the all clear so far.
Keep fighting the fight Kim...I hope this eruption of the cancer on your breast is just a blip and that your thoracic results are positive. You are surrounded with love from a lot of people and their prayers too.  May this always protect you.  Stay strong warrior!
God Bless you.

Jeanie xxx

plieck30 said...

What a wonderful wife and mother you are to always be thinking of them and not yourself. Wishing you and them to not have this to worry about. Paula

jasonzavoda said...

You have to figure that there are two possibilities when you die. One, that it will be like a beautiful, peaceful, dreamless sleep, or Two, that it will be something, and in that somethingness you will have to be you, not just who you are but all that you have done and felt, the you that you were born with and the you that you have become after all your living.

So, there is no point in worrying or thinking or planning on nothingness. That possibility just doesn't matter one way or another so it isn't worth considering, and that leaves somethingness.

Plan on somethingness after this life is done. Take with you from this life all that you carry inside of you, all the good things, all the learned things from the hard times, and especially all the love.

But right now keep planning on this somethingness we are all living, and give as much love as possible in this somethingness, because what you give with love is also what you get.

Take care


blpltt said...

Know how you feel, Kim; I wouldn't really mind if today was my last ever, but I do worry about the family.  As you say, it's the others who get punished.
Very sorry to hear about the hamster; our animals are with us for such a short time.
Bunny xx

sunnyside46 said...

we al have a path to walk, a dance to do , a reason for being...
I used to wonder if there was a plan or if things happened randomly,then I realized it didn't matter, because I could make everything work out for the best by my attitude. You have done that several times over, friend.

pharmolo said...

Nobody gets a timetable for the journey of life, Kim. Hope the check-ups reveal some progress in your fight with the big C.

mumma4evr said...

sending  big hugs!

sangrialel said...

I will keep your children in my prayers Kim.  Linda

lazarai said...

You are wise beyond your years, Kim.....


beckiepainton said...

I believe there is somewhere else, i dunno, i think i went there once, but thats another story for another day, lets just say im no longer scared of dieing, I htink you a such an inspriation, the way you just battle on.Well done to you.Beckie x

astaryth said...

Your thoughts pretty much match up with mine.... Funerals, grieving, etc are for the living... the person who has died has gone on to the next stage in their existence. Like you, I often wonder what that is, but I guess I just have to wait till it's my turn to see.


Good luck on the blood work today. As always my thoughts, good wishes and positive vibes travel with you.

thinkingoutloud said...

Such a bittersweet entry.

I have all my faith in your ability to deal with whatever comes your way.
You have already proved that you can handle all.

Your Jim and your children have already been given the best of your love.  How fortunate for them.

I know you are not giving up but just "keeping it real" here.

Thank you Kim.
Love & prayers,

mawmellow said...

  You did it again.....tears are flowing........of course, you know I'm the one left behind so it really hit home.  I've always said we're the selfish ones wanting our ill loved ones to drag on and not pass.  I know as your "soul sister" we'll meet up again.......loved your idea of "just somewhere over the rainbow" !!  Whatever works !  

xomywayox said...

I believe that love goes on....there is no way possible that the love I have for my girls could ever go away.

Ok, I wasn't gonna share this...but i think it fits this entry well.

Sunday I was watching Desprate HouseWifes....Lynnette on the show is dealing with BC...anyways a possum had been getting into her garden and she was determined to kill this possum cause it had in her words.."come into our lives and take something very important away us...and there was no way she was going to let this happen. Lynnette bought a air rifle and had a possum stake on Halloween night. Well her doctor made a house call to let Lynnette know that her PET scan came back clean. So she walks out into her back yard to find the possum dead. Lynnette sits down on the ground and starts to cry and says to the dead possum "I'm sorry".

In the end...Lynnette fought the good fight...and came to new apperiation for life & love.

So no...love never goes away.....

Lub Ya.....Brenda

frankandmary said...

With you as a Mom your children have a beautiful & empowering genetic inheritance that will never leave them. ~Mary

lanurseprn said...

Beautiful entry.

princesssaurora said...

{{{ Kim }}}  You rock, my warrior gal!  I hope you have a  great off week!  I am so sorry about the hamster...  My prayers for you are always there...

be well,

chat2missie said...

I believe in love at first site also.  Happened with Keving and me, and I also believe that no matter which one of us dies first, we will be together in heaven.

tendernoggle said...

Still praying for you Kim....You are a great mama....and I am so glad you got him another hampster! God bless you, God keep you and God heal You.
love ya,.

justplainbill said...

Kimberliegh, you got me crying again. What a nice post.
What wonderful responses you got, I read all thirty of them.
We all love and support you. God bless you and your family,good luck and keep up the fight, Bill

faithmtn said...

Love IS forever. Knowing we live on and will reunite makes the temporary parting more bearable. Best of luck to you at the doctor's office and with all of your upcoming tests.

ldybutterfly1128 said...

Hi Kimmie,

Here is the greatest of all expressions of love...the fact that Jesus died on the cross for us.  His arms spread out wide on the "tree," spikes driven through his feet and wrists.  His extension of arms as if to say, "I love you this much."

"For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross ." Colossians 1:19-20 NIV

This place of heaven is where we will have our bodies restored to perfection.  We will be reunited with our loved ones that we've lost and where we will wait for those who have not made the journey yet.  If you believe in it, you will receive it.  And I know that not everyone believes, but I ask of those today, if you've tried all other things and you still do not feel whole, why not give God a try?  He will never let you down.

I pray that the God of all comfort will give you peace and rest as you journey this life.  

Much Love,

ajquinn354 said...

Kim a powerful journal site from you today, filled with so much love for your family and you're so profound in your thoughts.  None of us know what tomorrow brings, that why we each have to make the most of today and enjoy each moment we have...no matter what each day brings you, you have faith, love, caring for everyone and your great sense of humor, you're one of life's real gems dear. Arlene (AJ)

chevyz71gurl74 said...

So glad to hear from you Kim!!
Sorry about your sons hampster =(

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers always


ladyvictoriak said...

Try to enjoy your chemo free time.  Good luck on Tuesday.  I'll be thinking about you.  Don't forget, there is always something else to try.


chaispice1023 said...

i believe we all meet up again somewhere, too.  

i'm in your corner, kim.  hugs.

cassieisglad said...

I am quite taken by your truly sensitive blog on dealing with your cancer and threat to your life. As for myself I've spent many years hiding my grief of my mother's passing. I believe you are totally right about nurturing the people close to us. Acceptance of death and dying and the monumentious process of grieving is a condition of actually living.

For myself, I had witnessed my mother's dying everytime I came home from school and found her passed out on the floor or in her bed. She was an advanced alcoholic. Even after all these years I haven't really dealt with her death. I feel after doing a lot of reading and commiting myself to the creative processes and truly having a life it is necessary for me to accept my emotions and learn from them. I believe the rituals that are available are important to the process of living.

I came to confront my death after being run over by a large truk and awaking in the surgry room with all the doctors clapping. I really had a near death experienced a near-death event which showed me how easy it is to die. I am open to more sharing

rdautumnsage said...


lindaggeorge said...

Dear Kim,

There is a charity in this country which helps families with younger children, where a parent is facing serious illness. It's called Winston's Wish http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/  

Mike, my husband, interviewed, this week, the lady that runs it and she is certainly a bit special. There was a documentary on TV about her work on Thursday night. It was very moving and informative and made me think about making Memory boxes for my own children. Even though they are adults I know they would both be devasted if I died and who knows when accident, or sudden death is around the corner?

She has a website and although I haven't read all that it has to offer, you may find some things there that are relevant to your situation.

I hope that your treatment will start to halt the spread of your cancer and send you HUGE loving thoughts.

Linda x.

jmorancoyle said...

    I'm with you on most of this, especially after surviving two teenagers, and dealing with a third.

lindaggeorge said...

I was just doing a Google on the name ofmy family's farm Ramrod Hall and it came up with a link to my Journal from last September. It just happened to be the first time you visited me and left a comment, do you remember the pictures of the beautiful horses on there?


Linda x.

midwestvintage said...

 A friend of mine truly believes that if you and your husband both want it you can be together in the afterlife also.  That makes me feel so good.  We both would want that.  Now if he didn't want that boy would I make life pretty sad for him right now, LOL.  Take care.


helmswondermom said...


ajquinn354 said...

Kim just stopping by to say hi and that I'm thinking of you dear.  Hope your TMT results were good.  Take care. Arlene (AJ)

mariebm56 said...

Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers.

stupidsheetguy said...

I've been occupied taking care of my FIL who's battling lung cancer. I have to say, he's putting up much more of a fight than I would have thought, and that made me think of you. I guess I just wanted to let you know that whenever I think of bravery now, you come to mind. How great is that?

I wanted to say that even though I don't get by here nearly enough, you're never out of mind, nor out of my prayers. Glad to see you!


geminisolox said...

Again, much much love from across the pond... Gem xx

shoot4mephoto said...

Hi Kim,
  Ive been feeling a bit worried about ya..You havent entered a journal entry in over a week...I really hope your ok...
Love Lisa

jasonzavoda said...

I just stopped by here and I am glad to see that a lot of people have as well.

Prayers and well wishes for you.

dragondrops said...

adding my prayers and thoughts as well, take care x

danpat923 said...

Keep looking forward to a new entry from you to see how you are doing.  Hopefully you are just shopping for more new boots.  

blpltt said...

Yes, me too Kimberleigh.  I join all the others wishing you well.
Bunny xx

faithmtn said...

Hi Kim, just wanted to say hi and wish you and your family a wonderful Thanskgiving holiday! Hoping you feel well enough to celebrate and stuff yourself!

gaylejean said...

Happy Thanksgiving from me too.   Hope you have a great holiday
and sympathy to your son for losing his pet.

s0ngbird1962 said...

Has been an awful long time since an update....

You & your family remain in my thoughts and prayers.....
You are one amazing pink warrior.  

chevyz71gurl74 said...

Hoping for an update soon...think of you often!

Hope you and your family have a very
      Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Always in my thoughts and prayers

Love & Hugs

acoward15 said...

If they do a cat scan on a cat, is it still called a cat scan or do they give it some other name?

ukgal36 said...


adlessor said...


blessings2 said...

Been thinking of you and looking for an update.  Please check in when you can!

Sending Love and Healing Thoughts,

topchelseagirl said...

Just checking in Kim, hoping for an update soon. I know you'll be fighting with everything you've got. So many people love you and are rooting for you. You're our hero. I'll be lighting a candle for you shortly.
Sending love and hugs

breakaway1968 said...

Just stopping by to tell you that I'm thinking of you and you are in my prayers often!  


paisleyskys said...

Kim. Melissa, Amanda, Rachel and Jimmy....God how this must have hurt. I have read this entry ...waited and watched as the comment numbers grew large. I knew your mom had lost her fight against cancer yet I couldn't stop and click "comments" to validate her death. "It sucks to me" was a feeling I have shared with her blogging, cancer kind of gives you thoughts as it stills every single hope that is pitched you way. I hope you have read her poems, looked deeply into her pictures....you can always find her there.
Love to you, stay well and take care of each other.
Love TJ
You will find her words here ....in many months of poetry

shoot4mephoto said...

I know I will never listen to "Its a Wonderful World" without thinking of Kim.....