Sunday, July 31, 2005
By the end of the evening, we were actually turned away from a bar....at the door....because the bouncers said she was too intoxicated to enter......now that has never happened to me before and on top of it my SIL was insisting that she could drive the 12 miles back to her house, she couldn't even walk 12 steps and now I am seriously thinking about discussing with her (when she is sober) maybe a 10 step program might be in order. She doesn't casually drink, she drinks till she buzzes, and mostly in excess. I had to hold her by the arm just to get back to the cars and while I am searching through her purse for keys, the other girls strap her in the passenger seat, and they follow me to her house then return me to my vehicle........no matter how mad I am at her, she is NOT driving drunk! She did call me the next day and apologize all over again and thank me for driving her home. I wonder how much of that night she remembers.
So since my 19 year old daughter and my SIL decided that...... that was the day to point out my flaws I thought that I should just lay them all out there, so no one will assume that I ever need to be told of them again.
I know I talk to much which sometimes leads to interrupting people, I am quick tempered, I am opinionated and articulate which means I can readily give my opinions, I am defensive (childhood issues I am always working on) I am stubborn (not my fault, I'm Irish! lol), I can be mean but I am never mean spirited, I only bring out mean when it is necessary and I need to work on being more tolerant and patient. There see.... I know my flaws........oh and did I mention....... I'm sarcastic??? lol lol lol
So in the end I know my flaws and I am working on them, I am trying to become a better me, I am ever evolving as I should be. I am a firm believer that you can say just about anything to anybody, but you have to always use tact and choose your time and place wisely. If you reverse every situation when presented with it, it gives you a better understanding of how to deal with it. I am old school about "treating people the way I want to be treated", but fair warning I am also old school on "do something to me once shame on you, do something to me twice shame on me"........I give very few second chances.....who knows maybe I need to add that to my list of flaws..........naaaaaaaaaa!
Saturday, July 30, 2005
If I am true to really trying on a daily basis to become a better me, I have to be able to handle my own personal.......good, bad and ugly. And then take some time to reflect on it and make changes or at least try to make the changes that I feel are necessary. Getting your good pointed out is a wonderful thing......getting your bad and your ugly pointed out is a not-so-wonderful thing. But I'm a big girl I can handle it as long as it's done with tact.
I had mentioned in a previous entry..within the last month I think about another run in I had with my Brother......the monster of my youth reared his ugly head for a few moments but the adult in me, who does not have the fear of the defenseless child, bit the monster back. I have no regrets with that situation, he did because he immediately tried to apologize and I wasn't in a very accepting mood.
While out with 'Dinner with the girls' which my Brother's wife is a part of a few days ago, after much dining and drinking and in the midst of the good time she brought the subject up. We discussed it briefly and both apologized to each other for each of our misconceptions of what took place.....I was there, she wasn't..... I thought that was the end of it. A little while later, after I had long switched to water but she continued to keep drinking, she decided it was a good time to start pointing out my flaws........in public, with other friends, among new acquaintances that we just met and I quietly told her this is not the time nor the place to do this........if she wanted to have this discussion at another time, and when she was sober I was all up for that, but not now......she agreed.
Well, after a few more drinks (her, I'm still sipping lemon water) she forgot about the agreement and let loose on me again.....I gave her fair warning....I told her she was just about to cross a line with me and that she really didn't want to do that with me, now the other girls were getting upset that the talk at the table was getting uncomfortable. SIL is now apologizing profusely but in her drunken stupor still continues a few minutes later.
OK, I know I talk a lot.......I am aware of that, I try to remind myself that I talk to much.....yes I am guilty of interrupting people from time to time,but group conversations are about the group conversing right? If I am rude and not aware of it, it's unintentional.......I know when I am intentionally being rude.....I think we all do. Well, I think it was about time I got intentionally rude with her. I tried to get her to 'table it' on several occasions.......she wouldn't so I thought OK, bring it on! I am NOT going to feel guilty because I can articulate how I feel better than most.....I know how I feel and I know how to word it.
I had spent that morning, having another knock down drag out with my 19 year old daughter, her story is still the same and I am still using the tough love approach....if it's working I am not privy to it. But I still believe if you enable your child you will have to do it their whole adult life.....and who wants to do that? It wasn't looking to be such a great day to be Kimberleigh.
Friday, July 29, 2005
The night was finally coming to an end and everyone was saying their good-byes and this was Elvira's most critical mistake........She had finally given up on cornering my Husband (again) about an hour before the good-byes started when she reached out to look at a piece of jewelry I had around my neck, which was an anniversary gift from my Husband a few years back and said to me as she was reaching to touch it,"That diamond is just gorgeous as well as the rest of your jewelry (What can I say! I'm a girly girl, I love jewelry.....diamonds are my catnip!) and I have been admiring them... all night!" And this is when I quickly stopped her hand in mid reach and hissed, "That ain't all of mine you've been admiring all night honey......and just like my Husband, you can't touch this!" And as I pushed her hand away I said,"Oh.... and by the way.......I don't wear..... underwear!"
Jim as well as my girlfriends almost spit the last of their drinks through their noses and I was quickly rushed out the door .......... What!!! I didn't hit her, I didn't throw a drink in her face, I didn't cause a scene and ruin the party for the host and hostess......I thought I was being nice about it too! lol I don't think Elvira and myself will be socializing at any more parties......Awwwwww!
It's nice to know that my Husband still has it.... even at mid life and he's mine all mine!
Thursday, July 28, 2005
OK, I've had enough of Elvira thinking my Husband is fair game, I pull him away for a moment and give him 'The Clue' since he didn't have one of his very own! At first he doesn't get it......grrrrrr! let me put it to you this way, Darling.......she wants you! He denies this then just grabs me and hugs the hell outta me......all of a sudden he breaks out in this annoying lil grin and asks me if I am jealous? Why do they assume right away we are jealous? I of course deny this and just explain that when another woman goes after another woman's man, that woman needs to be checked, kinda like they do in Hockey........I'm here to give her a check! He just squeezes me harder and almost giggles at the idea I am jealous! lol
Some time passes when My Husband seeks me out and says he thinks she's after him now too! Ok Sherlock, what was it that finally gave you that idea.........he said she cornered me in the kitchen along with another girlfriend of hers and started talking about her thong.....she literally asked him if he wanted to see it! Her friend then chimes in that he can see hers too..........she is also married, I met her husband too! I can read the head lines now........woman attacked and almost strangled with her own thong......news at 11!
I let that moment wash over me and then I noticed the look of panic all over my Husbands face.........Hmmmm wonder what that look is for......was it the thought of seeing this woman's thong or what was I planning on doing about it! lol I aksed him what happened next? he saaid he politely declined their invitation and that she even had the nerve to ask him if his Wife wore a thong......... AHAH! proof she did know who I was! lol I think it was at this point he thought it would be a good time to go home.........I said nonsense! the party seems to just be getting under way.......I walk off and go mingle myself!
I make my way over to the bar and refresh my drink and take my seat back at the table where my sister and my friends are.......I let them in on this latest development, just as my husband walks up to the table to take his seat by me in which my friends in unrehearsed unison ask him if he wants to see their thongs too! He dies a thousand deaths while planning mine also I'm sure! What? This was too good to keep to myself! lol Poor Jim didn't stand a chance.........neither did Elvira!
Continued.............lol lol lol
The joy that yellow bus brings
I count the days until its arrival
and the first day of school
I happy dance into the house
hours..... glorious hours to myself
no one to scream "MAAA!"
from anywhere in the house
the computer is mine, the phone is mine
I even have total control over the remote
greets me in every room
coffee with the neighbors
lunch with my girlfriends
"Mom's Taxi" is not for hire
No one rummaging through a fully
while mumbling to ones self
"There is nothing to eat"
No one telling me they are bored
having time enough alone
to become bored myself
As much as I love to see that
yellow bus make its way down my street
it is the back of the bus that makes
my heart smile as I wave the children off!
The Journal Jar
Subject: Question 76 ~ Personality traits
What personality traits do you admire the most?
This is an easy one for me........being comfortable with what you believe in and still be able to be open minded with other people.
I love to meet people who already know who they are. They have already been through the 'Finding myself' stage in life and are comfortable with what they have found, they don't feel the need to be different for the sake of being different. People who know who they are and like who they are. These are the people that know you have to continuously keep growing to be the best 'you' possible. A secure person is much more willing to accept others as who they are........there is no big ego trip to try and make others think the way they do........they know life is about learning and sometimes teaching others.
I know this is what I admire the most because it's opposite....close minded people......are what I detest the most.........I find them to be very stunted individuals..... what a pity.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Now my Darling Husband doesn't seem to pick up on this, but I do......sometimes I sit back and watch how another woman, whether she be known to me or a complete stranger interact with my Husband......I can't help it, its part of my nature to study human behavior. Now any woman with a shred of decency knows to back off of another woman's husband, but for those few women out there who don't care to follow the rules of "This man's taken" will get their reality check.
I am not a jealous person by any means.......I don't fly off in a blind rage whenever another woman talks, flirts or checks out my husband. What I do have a problem with are the women who still throw themselves at him after finding out about me and the kids......A woman knows what another woman is thinking about long before a man does.
While at a party some time ago, I was introduced to a woman and her husband as she was also introduced to me and mine. I am a social person, I get along well with others and usually find fast friendships, and when I do meet someone that doesn't care for me I can tell they made up their minds prior to getting to know me first and most of the time it is a problem they have with themselves and not with me in general.....that has happened periodically through out my whole life..... It's old hat.
Now this woman is older than me, probably somewhere around my husbands age even though she herself is married to a much older man. I begin to notice how she hangs on my Husbands every word, then I notice how she is constantly at his side, so much a girlfriend of mine who was also at this party, suggests I better go mark my territory, cuz somebody else is sniffing around! lol Normally I would, just in case the woman had mistaken him for a single man....but this woman and I were already introduced.....I'm thinking I'm not going to like her very much. While on my Husbands other side at dinner I hear her tell her Husband I know your tired honey, so why don't you just go on homeafter dinner and I will meet you there later, I want to stay and mingle for a little while longer...... he silently obeys her after dinner was finished and says his good-byes.
I join my husband outside for an after dinner cigar which I occasionally partake in once in a while and who comes out as if she is looking for him, why it's my Husbands new best friend.......let's call her Elvira for namesake ok??? ok! lol He still had no clue......I had a clue though something like Col. Mustard..... in the Library...... with a candlestick! lol Was I going to have to hose her down with the freaking garden hose or what?
Yup....you guessed it......continued tomorrow! lol
Oh what a glorious day it is when
the sky is that perfect shade of blue
and even the Redwing black bird
sings atop the trees that line
the cat-tailed swamps.
The gentle breeze sways the black-eyed Susan's
against the purple hue of the meadow blazing star
I sit and watch the butterflies
play freely among the blooms
and rejoice in their summer flight.
The faded reeds of Chinese puzzle sticks
stand ridged against the tall green
razor sharp blades of the cattails
even as the summer wind loosens
my golden hair to play across my face
To feel life pulsating through all my senses
brings me back to the summers of my youth
spent quietly hidden in the marshes
observing the passage of tadpoles to frogs
and wondering about my own metamorphosis.
I will not take a day like this for grant it
it makes me stay conscious and ever alert
of the world that surrounds me,
it reminds me to stay ever vigilant
in finding the joy of the most simple things.
Last night was a late night, It was John on the other side of my door that night...I think he came to talk me out of marrying Jim. He said some startling things to me that night, words I'm sure would have had an effect on me if I wasn't in love with another man.....but John knew I was, as many as you all do too now, just let your feelings you have for your significant other wash over you for a few minutes and then try and picture your life with someone else.......looses everything doesn't it?
Jim is who I loved, who I wanted my happily ever after with........I knew that in 1981 when I fell in love with him at first sight....I didn't know how and I certainly didn't know when but I knew we would someday be together........There were things that we had yet to experience, time had to pass, we had to mature, things had to happen, things that we had to go through in life without being by each others side and I think that is why some 24 years later we have yet to experience anything that can/could keep us apart. I believe in fate and I believe in destiny.......one wrong turn somewhere along the way and things probably would have worked out differently.
Somewhere around 10:00 a.m. that morning, I called my family......... I told them if they wanted to attend my wedding then to meet me at the court house by 12:30.......my sister still felt the need to ask me who I was marrying! LOL Jim showed up at my door with roses for me and roses for Amanda, it was a big day in her life too! Her Mom was marrying the man she called Daddy and Melissa was finally going to be her real sister! The grin on that little girls face was everything to me....I guess Jim showing up at my door was a way of making sure I was going to show up huh? The phone was ringing on our way out the door.....it was John......I just let it ring.
We arrive on time and Jim had all the paperwork needed to marry me and now all we had to do is wait for the Judge to marry us.....who by the way was late from coming back from lunch and who by the way 'drank' his lunch.....he not only smelled of whiskey he swayed in small circles while he went through the rituals of a civil service wedding, I found myself swaying in my own small circles too, just so to keep up with him and to stop the room from spinning myself...........was I really getting married? I don't remember saying my vows......I do remember the seriousness in Jim's voice as he said his vows to me and I saw that look, that old look of love in his eyes along with a few unshed shed tears and I actually said out loud......"You really do want to marry me today don't you?" He squeezed my hand and he looked even deeper into my eyes and said "More than anything!"
The I do's were over and I found myself married to the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with....we even had witnesses! lol But we both still had to provide proof to our friends and our coworkers.....who could blame them! lol So for a few weeks we both carried a copy of our marriage certificate on us.......I think I did to make sure it was true and that it really happened even if it was without the church and the gown and the honeymoon, even without the moonlit ceremony on the beach even without the little white chapel of love in Vegas.....in the end it's the marriage that counts not the wedding.......anyway I came from a long line of elopers...maybe it was supposed to happen that way.......both our parents eloped, my sister eloped and even my brother the confirmed bachelor eloped a year after I did......all of my parents children are on their first marriages, that's kinda rare in itself if you really stop and thing about it....so many of our friends are on their second and third marriages......I can't even fathom that!
Besides having the happily ever after which in this day and age is a rare thing unto itself to be if not more in love with one another and just how do I know I married the right man? This past winter after Jim returned from "The Boys" annual ice fishing trip with a bunch of his buddies he told me about one night at the bar and all guys were complaining about their wives and that he had nothing to complain about and then the subject turned to regrets.....(I know! A bunch of middle aged men....deep huh? lol) Some talked about choices that they made, some talked about other women in their lives, some talked about fortunes they won and lost and what was my guys only regret? That he wished he had taken better care of me that last year before we were married..... and how do I know this all to be true? Because the guys still give himhell for it from time to time! lol
Now you all know the beginning and middle of this love story........how it all ends, I don't know........But I still believe in the fairy tale and the happily ever after!
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
I decided to I needed a break from the both of them.....I ended up spilling my guts to my sister and a few of my close friends, they all just shook their heads, gave no advice, just shook their heads........I seemed to be stuck in a real life soap opera.......I'm not fond of soap operas! lol
Jim called me August 7, 1990 to tell me we were getting married the next day, he took care of the arrangements, we were to be married at 1:00 p.m. the next day......he didn't want to wait any longer. I said,"I'll meet you there" he said, "No I will pick you up!" I said, "No I will meet you there!" I'll believe it when I see it.......I just didn't trust what was really happening......I had my hopes and dreams of marrying this man crushed before....I still wasn't ready to get rid of the boyfriend....I didn't believe for a minute that I was actually getting married the next day!
I heard from both Jim and John that day.......I still didn't want to see either one of them, I had a lot of things to think about so I finished work early and headed home. I spent the night watching old Disney movies with my daughter.......she still cried at the same part in Dumbo when Dumbo gets led back to his mother who is now confined and chained to a circus wagon.....and I still cried during Cinderella when she finally found her happily ever after......I still wanted the happily ever after.
Sleep didn't come easily and when it finally did...........I had another mystery date moment.......Good Lord! Which one was it now??????
Yup...you guessed it.......continued!
What a difference a week makes....bird wise that is! Somewhere along this past week one of the babies didn't make it. Even though I spotted an intact egg in the nest, this was the only baby in the nest this morning. It has almost all it's feathers and when I did get a shot of it with it's mouth open I could see in the center of his mouth this track of little ridges, it must be for traction on getting it's food down it's mouth.
While it's Momma sat in a nearby tree I heard the baby peep it's return call to Momma......She was fussing up a storm and the baby kept peeping and opening it's mouth to my camera.....now that it is sooo big I had a hard time getting a good shot up close and personal while trying to balance myself half on a ladder and half in a tree!......My poor neighbors! lol lol lol
Again I did my nightly ritual at bedtime and no sooner did I hit the pillows there was a knock on my door........It was getting kinda like Mystery Date.........I hear a knock and I have no idea who is on the other side of the door, for one reason the peep hole was installed for someone 5 ft 6 or better and I rank in at only 5 feet! The thought of keeping a step stool by the front door was just a lil to reminiscent of my childhood days with the step stool tucked under the bathroom sink so I could brush my teeth nightly...lol! So once again I open my front door to find Jim standing there.....I could tell he had a few things on his mind and he was about ready to share them with me.
The next 15 minutes of my life was spent sitting quietly on my couch watching Jim pace back and forth while mapping out the rest of our lives together.......I was to get rid of John immediately and marry Jim however which way I chose.......I could still have my big wedding or we could still fly to the Islands and have a wedding at night fall on the beach like we had planned all those years earlier, or if I wanted Vegas was still something we could do.......not at any point did this man ask me if I still wanted to marry him........I was told I WAS marrying him and I was going to like it! Funny how another man in my life suddenly made Jim so very clear on the rest of his life.
Now if you think this was all music to me ears you would be mistaken, other things came rushing back into my memory besides the love I felt for this man.......all the wedding dates that came and went, the cancellations that took place with each of them......the wonderful night he was finally free of his first marriage and he again popped the question to only call me at my office the next day and leave me in tears. Even though my office had four solid walls all the offices were opened ceiling, everybody knew everybody's business. I had just shared with everyone that morning that Jim and I were finally to be wed then have him call me and tell me he wasn't ready.....wait another 8 years! And now I had them trying to comfort me and tell me he didn't deserve me.....I was humiliated and hurt and about ready to run.
Now I sit on my couch and almost start laughing that maniacal laugh that you see in the movies from people who are just aboutto loose it......I guess I even stunned him silent with it...he stopped pacing and just stared at me. I finally stopped listening and started spewing a few thoughts of my own....... Ok Jim, let me get this straight after 4 and a half years together, 3 planned weddings, a 4th proposal that didn't even last long enough to set a date..... and now you want me to get rid of a perfectly good boyfriend.....(ok that was weird when did John go from a man I was seeing to a boyfriend?) because you now finally have figured out you really do want to spend the rest of your life with me?
No hallmark moments, no take your breath away words of love and a decent proposal.....just a you are marrying me and that's it? I asked how come now........why this damn minute did everything become so very clear to this man that marriage to me was what he wanted after all? And this is what he said.........Because I know now that I would be more miserable without you than I ever could with you! How is that for the perfect wedding proposal?.... but yet at that moment I knew he was serious and he finally knew what he wanted.....but was it still what I wanted?
Monday, July 25, 2005
Jim had heard that I was spending time with someone else, someone that I actually introduced to my family......My Sister's Husband and Jim had become the best of friends as was my Brother, I had never introduced anyone else that I dated to my family (during my on again off again time with Jim).....It wasn't that I was serious with John, we hadn't even explored where this relationship was going, All I knew is that I had to put Jim behind me and filling up my days as well as my head with other things was a good place to start.
Everything I had been trying to bury came back, all it took was that special way Jim has with looking at me, even to this day some 15 years later than that night, what we share is easily read on our faces. I knew this pattern well.....but this time things were going to be different. Since staying away from each other proved to be harder than we thought, I made it perfectly clear that he was no longer a top priority in my life..........I was..... and I had no intention of getting back into a monogamous relationship with Jim, John or any other man that caught my eye that summer. Neither man was pleased.... But I didn't belong to either one of them.
After a couple of weeks it became difficult to juggle my new social life, I hid nothing from either one of them. The date was now August 1, 1990 I had been casually seeing them both for a little more than two weeks and even I was getting tired of it. One day afterJim had to witness me getting ready for a date with John he seemed to be at the end of his patience, he did not wish to share me anymore and asked me what would it take for things to go back to how things were between us.......I told him I would never settle for that again.......if I went back it had to be better. Even though I cared for John I did not love him.......I wasn't capable of loving him.....John new that. John showed up with roses and a beautiful note and over dinner told me what his intentions were with me, not that I asked, I didn't want to know......I was happy not knowing anyone's intentions that night. I left both of them that night knowing that I would never settle for what I had with Jim again and I wasn't settling for what John would offer me, how could I? I was still in love with.......Jim.
Lunch with Jim, Dinner with John both of them expecting something from me that I couldn't give......I just wanted the day to end, so I had John bring me home early, dinner and the mood was ruined all by good intentions.
Continued.......yet again( but hey I did do two entries today! lol)
(back to where I left off)
So here I sit across the table from a man that has all of Jim's looks, all of Jim's charm....he says the right things, he takes my mind of my heartbreak if only for a few hours but he is not Jim. Jim was somebody that I loved but somebody that I had to walk away from.......it had been 2+ weeks with no contact.......never went that long before this really must be happening.
Because Jim was the only man that I allowed to get close to my daughter who by now was 4 years old, and I did not want a revolving door of other men in my life knowing her, because I had a girlfriend who went through a nasty divorce only to have her children witness a new man every two weeks walking out of their mother's bedroom on Saturday mornings while they watched Saturday morning cartoons..........that is not me, that is not what I wanted for me or my daughter.....so when I did date other men in between Jim and after Jim none of them met my daughter, I didn't want to expose her to any of that kind of thing........She knew Jim wasn't her real Dad, but he had given her permission long before she could talk to call him Daddy.......I was beginning to regret that now. At 4 years of age you have no true concept of time.......it's either a lil bit ago or along time ago....after a few days of asking about him she stopped.....her life consisted of Strawberry Shortcake and the Care Bears.....She never stopped asking about Melissa......Jim's daughter from his first marriage.
I talked to this new man almost everyday and saw him a couple of times over the next 2 weeks, I never lead him on, I never pretended to be over Jim........I just simply was myself and it was an interesting new friendship. After a late night of dinner with this man one night, (his name is John by the way) he walked me to my door and I invited him in, I felt it was all right to do since Amanda had already been asleep for the night.....he stayed about half an hour then I let him kiss me goodnight for the first time and I walked him to the door.......it was probably around 11:00 p.m.
I washed my face, put my hair up for the night and crawled into bed still missing Jim lying beside me ( we did not live together before the break up but we had spent the night with each other many occasions) and I was wondering where John and I might be headed to. About 10 minutes had passed from the time John left to the time I crawled into bed and I heard a knock on my door........I throw on an oversized T-shirt and open the door expecting John to be standing there and my whole world stops..........it's Jim and it's been almost a month since I've seen him last, it's now the middle of July 1990.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Journal Jar Question # 71 - Here comes the Bride....
Describe your wedding, who was in it? What did everyone wear?
Oh Lord here we go............I had said that I might journal about this someday and I guess today is the day, so here goes...........
Jim and I started dating 4. 5 years before we were married........3.5 of those years we were the best things in each others lives.....that last year he wasn't the best thing in my life...he was my constant heart break.
The year we started dating he was going through a divorce which took over 4 years to finally go through, many complications and many court dates. We had no idea that his divorce would take 4.5 years to finally go through and set many wedding dates, first wedding date was to be the ultimate wedding, sad to say when the months leading up to the set date were fast approaching we knew we had to cancel it because the divorce was still on going. Second wedding date we opted to keep it simple and have an island wedding with just a few close friends........date came and went no divorce. Third wedding date, we said forget the whole wedding thing and just run off to Vegas and be wed at a 24 hour chapel, just us....combine honeymoon with a few extra days spent in Vegas, not romantic but we both realized the marriage is way more important than the wedding.......date came and went, no divorce.
Now you think a girl would kinda get discouraged, but I knew he was my forever love and I thought I could wait forever if I had to. His divorce was final in December of 1989.......now you think we would run off and get married anywhere, anyhow, anyway........right? WRONG! All of a sudden Mr. Wonderful got cold feet and became a lil less Mr. Wonderful to me everyday. I did not understand the change that came over him........we spent the next 6 months being more off than on. Then finally in June that year, he repopped the question I said yes and was back on cloud nine again.......I thought we had worked out what was keeping us apart and we had a wonderful night together.
At the end of the next work day I received 'the phone call' Yup, he did it over the phone. I got the whole schpeel of I love you, I will always love you, and if I ever get married again it would be to you, but I just don;t see myself getting married again until I'm at least 40, I hope you can understand? now I am thinking.... at least 40??? That was 8 years away! Now let me get this straight after waiting 4. 5 years I am supposed to wait another 8???.......Sorry ain't gonna happen mister! have a nice life, through a broken heart and many tears I walked away.
After a few weeks I finally accepted a date with someone my friend said would be perfect for me, was I ready to get over Jim?.......no was I ready to start dating........yes! So I agreed to call this man...we spoke over the next few days, he knew where my heart was regarding Jim and I finally agreed to meet for dinner.......I walk into the restaurant and was stunned to see a man that looked just like my Jim, the only difference was the eyes, he didn't have Jim's lovely green eyes.
Because of the amount of time we spent talking on the phone it felt like an old friend, we had no awkward moments. That alone scared me.......how can I be sooooo comfortable with a man other than Jim? Jim and I had been on and off all year and I did date other men in between, but none more than a week or so because that is how long Jim and I could be apart.......after a week or so we would always make sure we ran into one another and pick right up where we left off. That was beginning to be our new routine. But after the last conversation with one another we both thought this time it is really over...we no longer wanted the same things...so we both moved on or so we thought.
Sorry.....this is taking longer to get out than I thought so I think it's going to be a 2 maybe 3 part entry.........continued later! lol
Saturday, July 23, 2005
OK, back to my "Monday" kinda Saturday.....It's just me and lil Jimmy today, Big Jim is at the lake already and I have to take lil Jimmy in for an EKG......he's only 13! Since his medication for ADHD/ODD keeps him awake until the wee small hours of the morning, even on a low dose we have tried a new medicine for him to take at night, it will help him sleep and restore some of his appetite since the other meds squash it completely. I was told to take him for an EKG in two weeks, possible side effects is a high heart rate, I immediately remind his specialist about my sometimes outta-whack heart and he says lets try this med and see. Jimmy's heart rate is 109 in a sitting around a waiting room, then lying on a bed for a few minutes routine. 109 resting? I know that is too high.........even without waiting for the doctor to get the report I am taking him off that med........I hope it leaves his system quickly!
I bring him home to get his Bow so he can meet his dad at the lake and get some practice time in together before the heat kicks in, I am worried about the heat and now eve more worried about the way the heat my effect his increased heart rate.......maybe a couple hours of floating and fishing might help him relax and bring down that heart rate. I pick Big Jim's pocket for the ATM card to get some grocery shopping done, I think I can't need much since it is only Jim, Jimmy and I for the rest of the summer, Rachel is spending the next couple of weeks in Kentucky and Tennessee.
Well, a few weeks ago in that credit card fiasco where thousands of cards were compromised, as you can guess.....ours were in that bunch, credit cards were canceled, new cards issued, new pin numbers on ATM cards, everything, we didn't realize how much we relied on them until we didn't have access to one for a few days.....well this morning at the grocery store I totally forgot about it and tried to use to card, I accidentally put in the old pin numbers of not one but two of the cards when the first one failed and for the life of me I thought I was loosing my mind, I know the pin numbers..........I KNOW THE PIN NUMBERS!!! Well, little did I know that after 3 wrong attempts it automatically freezes your account.......so here I stand on a Saturday morning in a very long line at the market with a cart full of groceries I can't buy........duh! I'll just write a check!......open check book number 1.... no more checks, no problem open check book number 2..........no more checks! Was it because I picked up a lovely bouquet of pale orange roses and thought hey why not? Was it cuz I was being so smug about having a very organized shopping list for the first time, even with coupon?? I never use coupons.......I always have good intention of using them, I clip them and put them in a coupon organizer but do I actually bring them into a store with me..........nope! But this time I did! Maybe it was just my time to have a day like this.
So now I have to ask the check out girl if she would like me to return about 200 hundred dollars worth of groceries back to the appropriate shelves and she politely says she will call someone up to do that for me and then I apologize to the patient people who were behind me and who are watching me and silently thanking their lucky stars that it is not them today or who knows.... maybe they were silently referring to me as the idiot in the front of the line.....what ever the case I call Jim and blame it all on him........(I know I am soooooo bad!) and he says "As usual" and tells me don't worry about it and go home. I should have came home and got the new checks and gone back but now I don't feel much like shopping..........I think I am just a lil preoccupied with what is going on with my Son so I think I'll just let this 'Monday" kinda Saturday pass me by.
I sure hope Sunday feels like a Sunday! lol
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Well, this is my final entry on My Kentucky Adventure. I think I saved the best for last......This is of a Kentucky Bog. It has all the elements I love....new trees, old trees, water along with all it's hidden treasures and every shade of green imaginable. I originally focused in on a blue heron but it was camera shy and flew off as soon as I crept up over the edge of a bridge, I do have a shot of it but I lost sight of the bog while aiming my lens at the blue heron and the shot was of the forest in the background and not the beauty of the bog, so this ended up being my final entry photo. I wish my trip had been later in the season then I would have been able to share the lovely colors of a ripening tobacco field but at this time they were just your ordinary green field and I was unimpressed. Thanks for all who enjoyed and commented on my Great Kentucky Adventure!
I had found this farm while on a visit to my Borther-In-Laws house and I wanted to go back on a later date to get a couple of shots of them. So after lunch one afternoon I made the mistake of asking my husband to drive me around so I could get some shots of farms, barns and animals. I say mistake because he doesn't have the patience to stop the truck every time I find something photo worthy, he doesn't see things quite the same way I do, but always appreciates my shots when completed.
When I am out scouting around on my own, I go slow and actually use stop and reverse and I occasionally hang a "U-ey" to get that perfect shot.....This man of mine drives fast and most of my KY shots are me hanging out the window at warped speed and trying to hang onto my camera and balance myself at the same time.....so much for a good hair day huh??? lol
This top shot is once of those shots.......I still like the way it turned out though don't ya think??.........Almost looks like an oil panting! the shots on the bottom are on our trip back to his Mother's house after I got him used to driving at a slower pace! lol
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Judith's Artsy Essay
Why I keep this journal.............
I started writing for myself at an early age, mostly puppy love poetry but I was always encouraged to continue at it by the people that I shared my writing with. My first serious writing came at the age of 23, I found myself pregnant and alone.....I was happy about both. I knew my life was going to change, it needed too.
I never kept a journal after that, my life got to busy after Amanda came into it and even more busy busier after I fell in love with Jim and his Daughter Melissa, then marriage, a house and the addition of two more little darlings and a nervous breakthrough.......I used to call it a breakdown, now I know it was a breakthrough. During that time paper and pencil was only used for phone messages, appointment books, the kids homework, a quick "I Love You" note left in my Husbands bathroom for him the next morning.....every day should start with an "I LOVE YOU."
I didn't get back to my writing until I found AOL JOURNALS.... August 10, 2004........it felt good to be back! This journal is the place I can be just Kimberleigh......not Mom, not Wife, not the crazy woman who lives on ____ Rd. (whole nother story about how I got that name! lol.....maybe someday! lol )
I write in this journal because it is a tangible version of what not only goes on in my everyday life but what goes on in my head. With this journal I have found new glimpses of who I am to be, I have been able to close the door on many of the things that have made me...........me. It is a place where I can share my life, my passion for what I see through my camera lens, my kids, my ongoing love affair with the man I call my Husband and my need for getting it all out and letting it all go. It has allowed me to go deeper than any shrink could have ever pushed me to go before.
It has given me a place to escape to when needed and a place to read about so many amazing people and their lives. I have been inspired by many things that I discovered while visiting other J-Landers and reading about their life, and I have been rewarded with being able to inspire others and them sharing that pleasure with me.
In the end, it's about what we have done in and with our lives that have touched other's....it's about knowing when to be the teacher and when to be the student. This Journal gives me the time to sit down and really learn the lessons I am supposed to learn, some from many years ago that somehow have eluded closure and give me the hope of an even greater tomorrow.
Please visit the other essays at
A very special woman who has learned to color her world with paint!
This is of a bare tree taken shortly after dawn on a back road in Kentucky. I am drawn to trees that have been stripped bare of their bark and greenery, there is something very vulnerable yet beautiful, as it awaits to be fallen. It stands out different even in the winter against all other trees that are bare of leaves but have held fast to their bark.
I wanted to remove even the dawns blue misty background and grassland of this photograph, to show you that this is all I see when I stumble along a tree like this. It shows that even after all it's been through, it's still..............standing.
Please enjoy the other participants in Amy's Round Robins Challenge choice of......."MOODS"
Click on name for link
Monday, July 18, 2005
Your Monday Photo Shoot: Your neighborhood is full of wildlife no matter where you live. Catch some of it -- in a picture.
This is the second pitcure in an on going series of a Robin's Nest in one of my crab apple trees. I will be posting more updates when other babies arrive on the scene. The picture in the previous entry is the first in the series when the baby was looking for breakfast very early this morning! lol
With great care and respect to the nervous Mother who was patiently waiting for me in a near by tree, I left the nest and the baby just as I found it.
If anybody knows the name of this flower/bush and knows if it could survive the extreme hot/cold temperatures of the North, please let me know. The bush is medium in it's thickness and height and the blooms are HUGE! Maybe 6-7 inches in width and I had seen it all over Kentucky in either this lush pink color or a bright white........it was very lovely!
Jim and I had stopped my his oldest Brothers house while out photoing (my newly coined word! lol) and I was trying to explain this flower/bush thingy to my SIL, she had thought she knew what kind of plant I was referring to but just for good measure we were going to get in her golf cart (everyone tools around south in a golf cart because property sizes are so vast down there) and try to find that flower/plant/bush.
So first we stock up the cooler with something to drink, in this case it is Busch Beer, (How appropriate! lol) and climb aboard the golf cart......I always have a blast with my Sister-In-Laws, we make fun where ever we go. While we thoroughly checked her 4 acres for this plant and came up empty handed, we decided to go perusing around neighboring acreage so off we go into the wild blue yonder.....two blondes without fear, a golf cart and cooler!
We searched the neighbors to the north of their property line and so on and when we finally came across property that we couldn't access (barbed wire fence) we decided to head back home......different route then we took........beer, first mistake......different route, second mistake!
While driving across almost half of the property we were on (which was a very run down piece of land and an even more run down home) I noticed we were getting into some pretty deep mud, it had been raining for the last 3 days off and on due to hurricane Dennis so I thought," OK, Giant mud puddle!" But before I knew it I saw a cinder block sunk halfway in the mud before my SIL did and you guessed it we got hung up on it!
It wasn't until that moment that my SIL realized that it wasn't a mud patch at all, it was an illegal septic field........GROSS! The person had rigged their septic tank to run off onto their land instead of through an underground septic field.........so here we sit......Chit outta luck, Chit faced and in a real chit hole! This is where my SIL leans over and says to me,"Don't I just take you to the best places!!!" Now at this point I laugh so hard I almost piddle on myself! lol
At first we attempt to rock our way out of this situation, didn't work.......then we both decide lets get out of the cart and try to drag/push the damn thing out, didn't work and yes we knew what we were standing in, but a girls gotta do, what a girls gotta do......right?? lol So, with all that said and done....we finally abandon the golf cart and start our looooong trek back to her house to find the Husbands to figure out how to get outta the chit hole! Jim is the first to see us come up over the hill and says to his Brother,"Either this can't be good or this is going to be verrrrrry good!" I know funny, ain't he!
So here we walk up with what at first must look like just your plain ordinary mud all over us (stuck spinning tires churn things up real well!)
a beer in our hands, (it was very hot out we didn't want to dehydrate! lol) and explained our current situation. So now we hop on the back of the 4 wheelers which is probably what we should of taken out in the first place instead of the golf cart and drive with the guys back to the place of the sunken golf cart with both of them just shaking their heads and telling us we shouldn't be allowed out alone together anymore! lol
Jim snags golf cart with tow line and his brother drags it out, wipes it down for us and we continue on our way home for a bar of really good soap and a hot shower!
Yes, Mary Lou....you take me to all the best places! lol lol lol
Sunday, July 17, 2005
What I loved best about this shot is the contrast in colors......we have the vivid red from the barn with just traces of old weathered wood scattered here and there, then we have the bright green grass of the meadow this barn sits on, then with just a peek inside we see the once brilliant blue of a tractor from years of sun and use.
I also shot off a few rounds of this barn in Sepia and Black and White, and even though you can't tell from the picture above the sun was shining brightly while we had a gentle rain replenishing the earth. The only time the rain was visible in this shot is when I took this shot in Black and White, then the rain drops look like tiny slashes against the grayness of the barn. I wanted to show how the difference in the look of the picture from modern day color to grainy black and white of days gone by.
Toward the end of our stay in Kentucky, my Father-In-Law had told me that he wanted to take us out to breakfast one morning.......Now this is a sleepy lil town and in all our other trips down south there were never any restaurants open in the morning for breakfast, unless you wanted to take a small road trip, either 20 miles west or 36 miles north. Needless to say I was kinda excited about eating breakfast out, I'm a breakfast kinda girl, I can eat breakfast as a meal anytime of the day! And once again it slipped my Mother-In-Laws mind (kinda like my birthday! lol) that I am a big fan of biscuits and sausage gravy, but I find myself not up for the challenge of making it myself even though for a Yankee girl, I make a mean sausage gravy! lol
So the following morning, I awake early to get ready for our breakfast outing, you see their house has only 1 bathroom (yikes) and it's first come first showered! And any bathroom emergency while occupied is shall we say.........SOL! My FIL gives my husband driving direction into the closest neighboring town where we are to have breakfast and lo and behold we pull up in front of a bait shop..........Yup a bait shop that serves breakfast! I am thinking, "I don't even wanna know!" So with "realtree" wallpaper on the wall and a cricket box not more than 10 feet away from the so called dining area, I probably enjoyed the best breakfast ever served outside my own home to me.........who would of thunk it???? It was soooooo good Jim and I snuck out the next morning and headed back to the bait shop for another breakfast! lol
It wasn't until exiting the building the second morning that I found this lil gem of Americana and days gone by of an old roadside motel. The sign was gone and the building was overgrown with vines and moss and most of the paint had chipped from the once white painted doors along with a few broken windows but it just begged for my camera to try to capture it's once faded glory.
My morning was complete.........a good breakfast to satisfy an early morning hunger pain, a cup of "sweet tea" to go and a great photo-op..........life is good!
Saturday, July 16, 2005
This is Jasper.....My Sister-In-Law found him abandoned as a baby and nursed him back to health and has been his Momma for about 11 years. She adores him as much as he adores her, now my Brother-In-law who is such a practical joker and I SHOULD have known better, said to me and duh, I believed him! Said,"Oh he's sweet, he likes women, but he's not to fond of men though, put your hand up to his cage opened palmed and let him sniff you" Well, he almost took my hand off!!! Between him and my Husband I couldn't tell who was laughing harder so I hit both of them! lol.......Now I know why he has the look of a bad guy(masked) and is behind bars.........the raccoon that is........not my Brother-In-Law!
My Mother-in-law has several hummingbird feeders which she has cleverly hooked about 30 hummingbirds on strawberry kool-aid. These lil darlings weren't even afraid of me when I went out there just as dusk was falling,I'm liking the end result..........."Hummingbirds In Silhouette"
It is really beautiful down there with it's blue grass and red clay and rolling hills, valley's and hollers......I tried to capture as much in pictures as I could, but I was constantly held back from my Darling Husband due to the fact that there are Copperheads, Rattlesnakes, Black Widows Spiders, Brown Recluse Spiders, and a lot of bootlegging since it has been a dry county for decades....and unfortunately it is now littered with meth labs too.......so I can understand his caution.
One thing I noticed for sure after my many years of attending his family reunions down south is.....the smaller the town the bigger the gossip! lol........I'll be posting pictures from things I found photo worthy from my trip down south over the next couple of days.....here is but a glimpse of some of Kentucky's natural beauty and some of my Brother-In-Laws horses!
Friday, July 15, 2005
Newsflash............this news just in..............
I just survived a week down in Kentucky with the In-laws!!!!! It was that time again for DH's family reunion, Yes, I was still groped by my Husbands cousin David, even though I tried avoiding him like the plague! I also sat back and was quietly amused as the female members of his family (2x removed and more!) hit on my Husband.......Oh so many things to write about that just weren't right, (lol) but I am wiped out from the road trip and a lil bit brain dead, but the good news is...........I have a TON of pictures to share (soon!) lol
Now I have to do a complete tick check on myself and find my bottle of Xanax........I need sleep! I promise to update soon!...........Did I mention that they don't have a computer..........yup you guessed it! I went through total withdrawal...........I was able to check periodically through my Nextel (web access) but fugetaboutit all that typing with a phone key pad! lol......(as I sit here and pet my keyboard and monitor!) lol
Now just WHERE did I put that bottle of Xanax????
Thursday, July 7, 2005
I feel as if I'm free falling a little bit because of the last few days. I had to deal with some flash backs back to a rough childhood, and I have my Brother to thank for that, but of course I hold my ground well, because I am a grown woman and not a small defenseless little girl anymore. Every once in a while your dysfunctional childhood can try and grab you and take you down again, but hey......I am a warrior. He tried to apologize after the incident, but I wasn't open to accepting it at this point.
I am tired of wondering when he is going to go off again, so with steel in my eyes, I told him, "You might get away with talking to your wife this way, but not me.. I'm not your wife......now get away from me." Rage, explosive and unpredictable, is something that he has had to deal with his whole life, it is something that I had to deal with my whole childhood, I do NOT have to deal with now, I refuse to. Since his little tirade took place in front of others who have only heard how rough my childhood was, they actually got to witness it, in the end he was the one who looked like an ass......true colors came shining through, there is another side of him, a loving, funny, charming side to him, but I know this other side too well, my sister and I both do.
Tuesday I had to put my beloved 14 + year old dog "Gizmo" down......I did this alone, I cried like a baby and unfortunately made the Vet Tech too. I walked in with my companion and left with just a collar, a leash and a lock of fur. My only comfort is that Gizmo is now with his buddy Madd Maxx our black Lab that we had to put down in 2003.......there are back to being inseparable. I miss both my lil fur balls immensely and now I have to watch my puppy wander from room to room looking for his old friend, Gizmo. Boo was Gizzy's seeing/hearing eye dog, whenever Gizzy would get lost in the back yard due to him loosing his sight and hearing, alls I would have to say is "Go find Gizzy!" and Boo would go find him and grab him gently by his ear and guide him safely into the house. Boo would wake Gizzy up in the same gentle manner every morning so they could go out and spend the cool morning in the yard together. I kept him with me as long as it was in hisbest interest, but he was starting to be unable to keep his food down, and there was blood in his stool and I knew that it was time now, I didn't want to wait until he was in pain.
Then yesterday on my way home from errands, I saw all kinds of rescue equipment at a small lake that my Son likes to fish at in the neighborhood. He wanted to go fishing yesterday morning but I told him to wait until his Dad came home from work, he doesn't always listen to me so I was immediately struck with fear when I drove up to that lake. There was a fatal drowning, but my boy was safe at home.... But someone else lost someone dear to them...... It's still under investigation and it's still very surreal to me...I had to leave there immediately, the feeling of deep sadness permeated the air around that lake and it was suffocating.
I know that someone, somewhere is having a more difficult time than I am right now, I am aware of that at all times.....I am blessed and I am thankful.
Wednesday, July 6, 2005
This is my entry into the Round Robin Photo Challenge hosted by Carly at Ondinemonet and Karen at Musings from Mavarin. Below you will find a link to the journal now dedicated to the Round Robin and below my short essay is links to other participants........come join the fun and enjoy the talent of J-Landers.
Summer represents to me the greening of the world again.......after a dormant gray winter, life comes back with a vengeance. The dance of the butterflies return to the late afternoon sky and flowers explode with every color, the lushness of a dark green carpeted lawn and the canopy of green leafed trees to cool the hot summer sun. Summer represents surviving another long cold winter and a new chance at becoming a better me.
This is a photograph that I shot a while ago and I decided to play around with my photo editing software. It ended up having a painted effect but it's was just a lil smudging or streaking of this color into that color. I'm liking how it turned out so much I might be matting and framing this and adding it to my bedroom wall!
1.Betty...My Day My Interests
2. Karen...Musings from Mavarin
4. Duane...sotto voce
6. Steven...sometimes photoblog
7. Amy...Substance; or lack of
8. Celeste...My Day And Thoughts
9. Patrick...A Stop At Willoughby
10. Trish...A Journey To Peace
11. Mary...Alphawoman's Blog
13. Sassy...Sassys Eye
14.Marie...The Little Things
15 Aunt Nub (Liz)
16.Derek...Picture of the Day
17.Kat...From Every Angle
Monday, July 4, 2005
I would like to share another bloggers artistic spin on the above shot I posted a couple of weeks ago, she is kinda new to blogging and is very talented in the Arts Department. Below is a link to her journal and you can see the sketch she did on my window with a view.....come maker her feel welcomed........ wontcha?
While out on a trip to the West Coast, I found this lil treasure of a window in downtown Los Angeles. I immediately felt the presence of a fairy tail. It could have been home of the Seven Dwarfs which cared and loved deeply Snow White, or the cottage that kept Sleeping Beauty safe from yet another evil queen. This also could have been the cottage that Goldilocks stopped to rest at before getting discovered by the Three Bears, name any fairy tale and this window would make for the perfect view of the perfect meadow, in the perfect forrest.
They say our eyes are the windows to our soul and if that is the case then this is the window I would like to view the world from.
Friday, July 1, 2005
This is going to be another busy weekend and I'm kinda looking forward to being busy with things that are not my normal every day occurrence. Last night we had cocktails with friends in their yards, it was another beautiful night for it! We decided that it was Disco Night half way through the evening and turned their drive way into a dance floor, Lord it felt good to dance! The kids thought we lost our minds but hey they will get there someday and instead of a Discotheque it will be a mosh pit! lol
Tonight we are hitting the farmland country and actually going to a county fair! There is to be a carnival, a demolition car race, fire works and plenty of good food and good friends, I think there are 8 other families joining ours there tonight! Rachel will be singing the National Anthem to get the party started there too!
Saturday is "Breakfast by the Lake" brunch and then a favorite uncle of mine is having a not so secret 60th birthday party later in the afternoon, then probably back to the lake for the rest of the night.
Sunday is the "4th of July Pig Roast" at the lake and that party is expected to last until all hours of the night with the potential of a midnight swim in the lake! I am so enjoying the lake! We have so many good friends that are members too, so every weekend is a party there!
Monday is still up in the air but who knows, we might just take our boat onto Lake Michigan and watch the City of Chicago's fireworks display from there. Many years ago we would go to the observation deck in the Sears Tower or as my son used to say when he was around 3 years of age the "Serious Tower" lol and watch the fire works from up there, they would explode right in front of you, it was like you could almost reach out and touch them like the sparks of a sparkler. But soon enough other's caught on to that idea and now you can't get anywhere NEAR the Sears Tower. I also just found out that Country Music Legend Loretta Lynn will be performing at Ribfest on Monday too, so I might be taking Rachel to see her, there are not too many of that generations legends that are still around much less still performing. MY baby-sitter was born and raised in the south, so much of my early music exposure was to bluegrass and I still can't make my foot stop tapping when I hear bluegrass music! lol
I think by Tuesday I might just need to stay home and have a Jammie Day! Whewwwwww!
Until Next time