Monday, November 19, 2007

Happy Birthday Melissa!

I have chemo again tomorrow, (3 weeks on 1 week off) I have a feeling they will be changing the chemo again, I'm starting to get those little blue bruises again, like when was running low of potassium. Being tired is the weirdest feeling in the world! I can sleep 24 hours straight and still feel like I just missed the missed the bed! lol When I first found out I had breast cancer, I thought ok, I'll have  it for a little while then when I am done, I done with it. You're aren't even sure how you feel about the cancer, they told me I would have 8 weeks of chemotherapy and 2 years of physical hormone replacement, I STILL don't know what exactly went wrong where but something sure didn't work out in my best interest......there are days I loaf of bread confuses me! lol

We all have our childhood issues and with my Brother he was always told he was never going amount to anything, he was no My Father told him like his Father before him...My Brother's intelligence would be questioned,my Sisters's weight would always get asked even though she really wasn't overweight and you could never get away with calling me stupid! Well........I get pretty stupid now, Like a said a loaf of bread confuses me and I wish to God it was a joke! Who knew Chemo was so life altering huh?? lol

One of my buddies is in the mattress business and I am so impatient instead of waiting a few extra days I ran out and bought one by myself......instead of waiting for Jim....a queen didn't even fit in the back of suburban...I called my Brother and he saved me...(pick-up truck)....sorry BOB! Thought it was going to be a quick hop, skip and a jump and I'm in my new bed! lol Now I'm looking for a small student desk for Lil Jimmy's old room..... I have my lap top now and I am slowly getting used to it........just to keep all my paperwork on.

I never was a great house cleaner but I do want to at least look like I am putting the house in some kind of order.....don't worry I'm not going anywhere,,,,, Bob owes me lunch...they just refinished remodeling the restaurant so don't worry Bob there is still a chance you'll get to buy me lunch! lol lol lol

So what did I learn this weekend? Queen beds don't fit in suburban's, you can still call your brother to move a mattress, Bob still wants Mongolian BBQ and a lap top is not any faster than a PC!

To my friends and family that are giving me my space right now I really appreciate it, I'm not sure where my body is going with this cancer thing but it's definitely working it's way through the rest of me, I don't know how much chemo I am going to end up having, I never know how much illness I am going to have with it either, I just know it sure sucks right now to be me!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

No chemo Tuesday...just TMT

Today was no chemo Tuesday, just had some blood work ( tumor marker test) so they will have the results for my appointment next Tuesday.... this is when the new chemo I'm trying usually stops working for me, the visible tumor on the outside of my left breast is no longer flat against my skin and is a very angry red in color......I don't think that's a very good sign....I think Dr. Serious will probably order another new thoracic cat scan and I need to do my six month follow up pelvic exam too.  Life sure is different for me than in was 16 months ago. Sometimes I feel like a life size voodoo doll! lol lol lol

My Son Lil Jimmy's hamster passed away 3 days ago and it devastated him, I think he was finally able to put that kind of painful loss to what my cancer can do now....he begged me don't ever give up Mom...........I love you and I will really miss you! That was kinda sweet to be missed more than a deceased, beloved hamster. Like I have said before death is only painful for those that are left behind. I don't think I could bare losing Jim or survive the broken heart of losing ones child. It was breaking my heart to see  him so broken hearted so we now have a new hamptster named "Carson" Lil Jimmys smile is back on his face and that puts the smile back on this Momma's face!

Life and death.... a cycle that is as old as time and still just as painful. I am at peace with whatever life or death has in store for's knowing the heartbreak my loved ones will go through is what brings tears to roll down my face instantly. That is when all this seems so unfair.....I'm the one that gets cancer and they are the ones who get punished for it.

Do I believe that we all meet up again somewhere? Yes I do whether its called heaven, another realm, hell for some or maybe just somewhere over the rainbow, but I believe that when two hearts love each other so much, they are destined to find one another again and that's also the reason I believe in love at first sight.....those two hearts were together already before....I'm not a very religious person, but I know the power of true, ever lasting love..otherwise how do we survive our children's teenage years without killing them! lol lol lol