Monday, August 28, 2006

Home Alone but not over doing it! lol

I had set my first excursion out in public (besides doctors) for next week, but because I felt so good yesterday after showering and my middle daughter stopped by to cut my long hair into a much shorter 'do.' I'm hoping I won't feel such a loss when I loose the rest of it to chemo in the next two weeks. I look at it this way........what's a better way to make a statement about early detection for breast cancer than a woman my age (43) walking around boldly bald with a great set of earrings? Right? lol So off I went to the lake yesterday with what my DH refers to as my "Soccer Mom" hair cut......He prefers it long, a lil messy or as he likes to say "sexy messy!" but since he prefers me at his side for another 40 years.....we'll do the short hair cut, then the chemo, then the bald thang! lol lol lol

So for being less than 2 weeks post op, I'm doing remarkably well aren't I? Cancer is tough, but thank GOD..... I'm a little tougher and managed to kick it's ass this time! lol I told ya.......I am a warrior, I will carry a big stick and I will not go quietly!

Actually, seeing all the love there is in my life made it easier to push through what I had to push is/was what I drew my strength from when I needed a little push....when I needed a little extra "cowgirl up" attitude!

Being that I now want to save the world from breast cancer of course I took post op pictures of my new boob and tram flap and when I can stand this chair that I sit in at this desk that is home to my computer, I will be a little more graphic about the surgery and the recovery. So far what I have taught my children and family is cancer doesn't always have to win........ More and more these days the patient gets the victory!!!!

Have you examined your breasts today?????

Friday, August 25, 2006

All Better! Ü

Hello everyone!

I finally felt well enough to venture to the family room today for a quick update!

Wed, 16th of Aug was surgery day, My Doctors were amazing and the surgery went very well! They did the surgery in under the scheduled 8 hours!

Thursday I was up and sitting and walking the halls

Friday night I had a small party of people in my room....16 people to be exact, but in the wee small hours of the night, it became rough on me.

Saturday morning I did my cure little parlor trick and went into A-Fib, within a half an hour my heart went back into normal sinus rhythm, but I was taken out of the regular hospital and moved to the heart hospital......needless to say that small bump on the road to recovery took it's toll on me......I hated Saturday! So much for going home huh?

Sunday I was already out of my funk and was doing battle with the cardiac doctors that wanted to perform tests on me, that I would not of been able to do at the time.....I let them do a brain scan, a lung scan and ultra sounds on both legs to rule out a blood clot that could of caused a heart attack, stroke or my demise, but I put my foot down on doing any more testing until I healed from surgery, I had the backing of both my surgeons and one of the heart specialists to put the rest of the testing on hold.

Monday very good day because now I was finally being left alone to rest and heal

Tuesday was another good day and eventually they removed 2 drains and sent me home at 8:00 p.m. Tuesday night in my own bed ahhhhhhhhh! :)

Fast forward to today (Aug 25th), my first excursion out of the house to have the final drain removed and to get the results of the rest of my tests........I AM CANCER FREE!!! Only 1 sentinel node tested positive for cancer. They removed 22 other lymph nodes and they all came back clear! Yipeeeeeeeeee! NO RADIATION! Yipeeeeeeeee! But because of the fact that I had 3 tumors of significant , but not scary size (5 cm's or larger) I will still need chemo....I want chemo..........I want to make sure that there isn't even the slightest chance that I have even one tiny cancer cell left.

I just wanted to thank you all for the blessings that I received during this time in my life! Did I mention that fact that this tummy tuck is soooooo awesome that the nurses had a hard time giving me heprin (sp?) shots in my stomach??? Now that's a tight tummy tuck! lol

I will try to update soon, but I don't want to over do anything to cause another set back.............I hope you can feel how very grateful I am for those who wished me well!




Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Now open up and say............OUCH! lol lol lol

So here I sit a little after 5:30 a.m.......the alarm was set for 7:00 a.m. I guess I was a lil too anxious for this morning to get here. Yesterday was kinda weird, I kind of hit a brick wall physically, I was sleepy all day, but had very little time for a quick nap in the late afternoon. One question I keep getting asked is if I am sad that I am loosing my left breast....the answer is NO! It's trying to take my life, why on earth would I want to keep it? My Doctor's were so happy that they didn't have to talk me outta of trying to save it.....take the damn thing, it's deadly, and for the life of me I can't understand why they would have to argue or talk someone into having it removed??? Why keep it attached to my body, when I already know it's diseased and very deadly right?? Not one tumor, but EIGHT at last count!!!!

What keeps me giggling up until now was for the past 4 months, there I was at the gym, working out 2 to 3 times a week, watching what I was eating just to whittle down to shape that I used to have.... I was very successful at loosing some inches in some pretty key areas, but my Mother's Tummy was more stubborn than I was....and because of that fact, that is what will be used to help recreate my new left breast.....everything for a reason again huh? The skin that will be removed to cover the newly in place left breast (via tram flap) is just the right size to be a perfect fit and what ever is left over they will trim away and tummy tuck! Good-bye to the small, (But I know they are there stretch marks from Motherhood) and good-bye to that little bitty uneven scar  under my belly button from when I had my tubes tied in 1992. Hmmmm flat, tight little tummy and waist again and waaaaa laaaaaa! No more problem area! lol

I'll be admitted today at 10:00 a.m, put in my RED CARPET hospital gown....designer unknown! lol and then at 10:45 I will be given a valium to be carted away for my Sentinel Node Biopsy Linky ~~~>  Breast Cancer Surgery article: Sentinel Node Procedure  then it's a waiting game to see if the Sentinel Nodes light up like a blue platespecial at your local K-Mart to see if the cancer has spread to the sentinel blue, no other lymph nodes sentinel and then it's up into the armpit to take out the smaller lymph nodes to see if cancer has at least spread to that area.

I still haven't received the radiologist reading ( Official report) of the bone scan and cat scan (maybe later today) to make sure or reassure me what the Oncologist (Dr. Serious) told me on Friday.....( He sees no evidence that it has spread to any other part of my body and bones) Happy Dance again everyone!

Dr. Hollywood's office (Plastic surgeon) called today to tell me that I will be in the hospital at least until Sunday 4 days of hospital food ought to be in my favor as far as the scale is concerned! lol Since diagnosis, I was still watching what I was eating, working out at the gym and then I had an epiphany........STOP THE WORK OUT GIRL! KEEP THAT BELLY! YOU'RE GONNA NEED ALL OF IT FOR THAT NEW PERKY BOOB! So I have to admit, I ate without guilt and didn't visit the gym since Saturday morning! Another perk to breast cancer I guess! lol lol lol

I am hoping that my nextel  (cell, two-way radio and wireless internet access) will be able to get a signal in the hospital, and if so I can read emails, but answering them old fashioned way via text messaging will drive me crazy....So I can read my comments and just a part of the journals I have on my alerts. But I think I won't even know my own name for the first few days post-op....I'm in good hands with my A-TEAM of Doctors and I'm in loving hands with my Husband at my side.


Life is Beautiful and I am thankful!

Monday, August 14, 2006

This is what's worth fighting for......Ü

Ok, all of my pre-op tests have been taken care of including an EKG that they managed to sneak me in for this morning. I had to have an EKG, because of that cute little parlor trick I do with "Sick Migraines" (A migraine so bad that you get sick to your stomach) my problem is sometimes, but not every time I pass out and wake up seconds later with my heart in Atrial Fib (which means the bottom of my heart pumps as normal, but the top of my heart just flutters and the danger in that is a blood clot could form and then at any time can shoot either up to my brain or into my lung and possibly kill me instantly........Oh the fun I have huh??

My very ill sense of humor and your good wishes have carried me far these past two weeks, but I know that what lies ahead of me is very serious and will take more than my sense of humor to get me through the next couple of weeks.......this is where I will draw on the love that I have for my Husband Jim and our four children.........I will 'Cowgirl up' to the pain and discomfort that I will be experiencing because of the love that I have here on Earth is sooooo worth fighting for. Humor made it easy to deal with, while I was experiencing all the newness of being diagnosed with breast will keep me fighting like a 'she devil!" (been called that a time or two in my life too!!! lol)

I still have no fear, because I already know I will hurt like hell and be swearing like a sailor when they try to get me up and walking for the first time. I don't think I will be making any new friends my first 36 hours there but, in the end the Kim that I am will shine through and I will be just fine. With Chemo and then possibly radiation waiting for me in the wings, I know that I still have a battle ahead of me and that I will be ill and exhausted, and at times discouraged, but I will never be down for the count.....I will push through it all.... just to be with my Husband Jim, there is no other woman on Earth who could be better at telling him what to do, how to do it and that his driving sucks better than me! ;) and that I want to be here to finish my job in raising my last two remaining children at home. We all know how hard a Momma Bear will fight for her cubs..... and being the raucous Irish woman that I am....I'm ready for this fight.

This is who I am fighting for........

myguy.jpg My Jim

lissa.jpg My Melissa

Amanda.jpg My Amanda

Copyofrach.jpg My Rachel

jimmybnw.jpg My Jimmy

Wednesday I will be admitted to the Hospital and at 1:00 pm my surgery will begin.......I should be home by Saturday sometime....I'll talk to you all soon! Take care of each other!!!!




Friday, August 11, 2006

Happy dancing here....come join me!!!

About an hour ago my Ocologist, Dr. Serious called.........the results came back on what type of breast cancer I have.......I have ER/PR fed tumors. They feed off of my hormones Estrogen and progesterone, I will be on hormone blocking medication and this type of cancer will be cut off from its source of 'food' and they will die off before they can get a change to multiply!........piece of cake I tell ya!

Want to know more about the different types of breast cancer click here ~~~>

Breast Cancer Types: Ductal & Lobular Carcinoma and More

I will still loose my breast, still need chemo...but it's so easy to manage because my body will stop feeding them. This is how Dr. Serious described it to me.......think of a cancer cell has having tiny little key holes...the Estrogen and Progesterone enter through these key holes and feed the cancer cells which morph into tumors. The Hormone blocking meds that I will be given will block all these key holes and the cells will die off before they can get a chance to multiply (tumor) and attack me again! Amazing isn't it!!!!

Dr. Serious also had access to the cat scan and the bone scan that I had done earlier this report in yet from the Radiologist but Dr. Serious's opinion said from what he could see that it HASN'T spread to any other part of my body..........HAPPY DANCE EVERYBODY! I Still have to wait for the radiologists report to confirm this, but hey, if the Oncologist couldn't see any evidence that it spread outside of my breast then I'm satisfied with that! Now with the lymphnodes we won't know until they do the Mastectomy and send my dearly departed left boob off to Pathology along with a few nodes...It's a brand new day for me!!!!

You, the people whose minds I crossed, who sent prayers, who sent guardian angels, who sent good vibes and is YOU who amaze me! I am someone who you will most likely never meet, but have touched me with your hearts and have blessed an already blessed life and I could never express how much you lifted me!

So Cancer........hear this.....................................................

" I FART IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION!!!" ......OOPS MY BAD!! But I'm a huge Monty Python fan and if you are too then you are LOL as you read this!

Life is good and I am thankful!!!!!'s whats for breakfast! lol lol lol

First of all I want to thank all of you for your heartfelt comments on mine and Jim's love story.......kismet, is what I call our coming together......he said I must of put some kind of spell on him of course! lol........Yeah that's me black magic woman! lol lol lol

Today my breakfast starting at 5:30 am is about 300 ml of Barium....can we all say "YUMMMMM?" more like GAG! I have to finish 175 ml more by the time I arrive at the hospital by 6:30 am. As a child I had a lot of upper and lower GI problems so I am very familiar with Barium....I just hope they have improved the taste! lol

At 6:45 I will become radioactive with dye that they will inject into my system that needs a couple of hours to get through my whole body for a bone after they dye me, I'm off for a C/T scan by 7:00 am then at 9:45 I actually have the bone scan..........I know, you guys are soooooo jealous of what I get to do today! lol lol lol Hey, I've got an idea, I can save you all some barium and we can do a few shots of it together...........what do ya say?? lol lol lol

Two others tests that I have had done, I am still waiting on the is still the Estrogen receptor, Progesterone receptor and the HER 2 test and then some blood work that looks for other signs of cancer in my body and just the regular CBC's of blood work.

I met with my Plastic Surgeon on Tuesday of this week and as usual he will need a nickname too.........Dr. Oncologist is AKA Dr. Serious.....Dr. Surgeon is AKA Dr, McDreamy..........Dr. Plastic Surgeon is AKA Dr. Hollywood (Hey! They are mostly plastic or botoxed out there right???) He showed me tons of pictures of work he did via his digital camera..I can't tell you how natural these new breasts and nipples looked...then he showed me a few of the tattooed areolas....after the healing you couldn't tell which breast was the fake one and which breast was the real one.....breast cancer has come a long way and thanks to the plastic surgeons among others who rallied to get reconstruction and reduction and lifts on the healthy breasts to make them  symmetrical with one another and for most of the health insurance companies to cover the costs!

My Mastectomy is taking place sometime Wednesday (the 16th) The mastectomy itself is only about an hour long.........fair well ill Boobie! lol.......the reconstruction will take about 7 more hours of surgery right after the old, 43 year old boobie is removed. I am having my new breast reconstructed by a technique called tram flap......saw it on extreme make over once....the surgery and recovery weren't very pretty, but the after surgery results were fantastic! Here is a link explaining "Tram Flap"  linky ~~~~>
TRAM Flap  I thought it was a mini tummy's a whole tummy tuck........left side to make the new boob, right side so I don't look like the eighth dwarf "Lumpy" So all those years of NOT doing those sit ups and getting that six pack abs has finally paid off for me........My tummy will be flat again (and stretch marks will be gone...thanks to those sweet babies of mine! lol)  because they are relocating that said tummy up to my left breast area..........yeah for me!!!!! now is the time to throw the confetti, the streamers and blow those party favors!!!!! lol lol lol
Oh, I just thought of something..............good thing I never had my naval pierced....because after this breast/tummy reconstruction it would of ended up a nipple ring after all! lmaooooooooo!

I forgot to ask how long I will be in the hospital since I opted for the tram flap, and I won't have access to the Internet there (No lap top)....and since my bedroom at home is 2 floors up from my family room I'm not sure how soon I can crawl my bruised, battered and sutured body back the down stairs.........but I will post as soon as possible....But you will hear from me before I go into surgery next Wednesday.

I will get a 4 week reprieve before I start my chemo and I won't know the frequency or the dosage until I meet with Dr. Serious again 2 weeks after my surgery.

Breast cancer might knock me down......but it won't keep me down.....that's for sure!

Wednesday, August 9, 2006

We've got BIG LOVE!!!!!!

Some time in August of 1981 when I was just 18 years old (I'm now 43), I walked into a bar and saw the most beautiful man I had ever seen....without ever knowing his name I told my best friend I don't know when, I don't how but that I was going to marry that man someday! He was beautiful!

Between 1981 and 1985 our paths crossed several times, Time would stop for a moment, our eyes would meet for a moment, my heart would skip a beat, then time would march on words ever spoken. He still belonged to someone else and I always had someone in my life too. But I knew someday..........someday we would be together! He had no clue! lol

Summer of 1985 we found ourselves thrown together in the same place, at the same time and we had our first words...I asked, "Do you remember me, we met when a friend of mine was dating a friend of yours?" He remembered me and we started talking. We were at a neighborhood ball field where my Brother and he were on a baseball team sponsored by a neighborhood bar. He told me that his marriage was over and that divorce papers had been files (her part) and I had told him how I had been living in New York and had been traveling back and forth from there to Chicago (home) and Daytona Beach to escape the cold winters in Both places but now I was back for good. Again it wasn't our time to be together even though we both saw the sparks, felt the butterflies in our stomachs but ended up at two different bars waiting that night waiting for one another to walk through the door......definitely two ships that passed in the night.

On April 11, 1986 I had a message to call back a man named Jim....local number....ballsy Irish girl that I am and even though I had no idea who I was calling back.....I had just had a baby 9 weeks prior, that Baby's Father left shortly after conception (No tears shed there! lol) and for the life of me I had no idea who this "Jim" was!
I made the call, I knew instantly who he was, I threw the phone to the floor and thought.........YES! This is it, this is what my heart knew all those years was finally "OUR TIME"

April 13, 1986 we had our first date and have been together since then, along with a few bumps in the road.

On August 8, 1990 I married the man I knew I was going to marry some 9 years earlier when it first revealed itself to my heart all the way back in 1981.

So yesterday August 8, 2006 marked our 16th wedding anniversary together and we have more love and more respect and more appreciation for each other with each passing day in this life together.

So here we are in 2006 and we have 2 grown daughters which we shared with each other from the time they were 3 years of age (Melissa) and 9 weeks old (Amanda) and who are now respectfully 23 and 20..........along with two more children born to us who are now 15 (Rachel) and Jimmy (14) along with a sweet angel we lost in 1988 (Which is something so painful that I will never be able to share via my journal)

I am more in love with this man today than yesterday and I am honored to be his wife, his life long companion and his forever love........

We had our special moment alone yesterday.....Dinner, candles, no talk of cancer......but today I wanted to share it with my friends, here in J-Land.

Happy Anniversary my Love........and with the grace of God we will have many more to celebrate!.........I LOVE YOU! So here we are....some 25 years since I fell in love at first sight, 20 years after our first date, 16 years after our "I do's" and I would do it all over again just to have 25 more years of love with you!

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

My Extreme Cancer Make Over.......begins real soon!

Today is the day I meet with the plastic surgeon........then I'm off for "my extreme cancer make over" Am I even going to stand my myself when all this is over??? lol

New Boobs likened to a perky 19 year old woman soon to be attached to a 43 year old Broad!

A mini tummy tuck to create the new boob! A new tattoo to go along with this new boob of mine even though I swore to the DH that I wouldn't have anymore after my shamrock was tattooed on my ass almost 8 years ago.....sorry Honey..this is out of my control....I'm going to need that tattooed on areola!!  heeee heeee! And because I have such a big giving heart....if need be I will be more than glad to donate some of my ass to help anyone I can rebuild their own boobs who might not have enough of their own material shall we say?? lol

After chemo is over most likely I will have thicker, lusher hair and there is a possibility it might even come back with some curl to it! And did I mention I won't have a bad hair day for awhile or have to shave my legs?? My theory on this wigs or hats for me...........just some really big, gaudy earrings and trust me on this....people won't even notice that bald head of mine, they will be saying, "Did you see that woman's earrings?? Aren't they Hideous!!!!!!) Give them something else to focus on and watch their tongues wag! lmaooooo

The chemo will most likely stop my period therefore no more homicidal tendencies! lol

And I am bound to loose more weight without all the working out and watching what I'm eating!

Good GOD, I already can't stand myself and I'm still the old me! lmaooooooo

I am ready for my close-up! lol lol lol Too Bad cancer can't make me grow about 5 more inches...........damn it! damn it! DAMN IT! Ü


Monday, August 7, 2006

Soft place to land.......

I finally needed a soft place to land last night, so when I crawled into bed last night and then into my Jim's arms..........all the tears finally did the hic cups, but he say's I have the cutest hic cups in the world anyway! lol

It wasn't a wild angry cry like the one given by Sally Fields at her daughter's funeral (Julia Roberts) when she finally looses it in the movie "Steel Magnolias" That has to be the best acted part of a movie I have ever seen and then when the woman whose role was played by Olympia Dukakis  (for comedy relief) tells Sally Fields character to "take a whack at Ouiser!" Ouiser's role was played by Shirley MacLaine (love her!) because she is so angry with the passing of her daughter..........that part still cracks me up every time, almost piss in my pants kinda belly laugh...mine was more quiet, hardly any noise.......just hot, salty tears running down my face onto my Husbands chest.....he just let me cry safely in his arms and let everything finally catch up to me in silence...........just his free hand running smoothly through my hair........another beautiful moment in a beautiful life touched by cancer.

When the tears stopped falling and Jim quietly asked if I was crying because I have cancer.....I shook my head no.......he then asked if it was because I was scared......again I shook my head no. A few minutes went by again, then he asked if it was because I was loosing my left breast....again I shook my head no.........he asked is it your hair? Are you sad because you are going to loose all your hair? ..........again I shook my head no.

Finally when I was able to find my voice again, I said It's not because I have cancer, or I going to miss my breast, my hair and my good health..........I just don't want to miss "LIFE" Saturday night at the lake when I was sitting there watching my friends and family all chatting amongst themselves, the adults talking and sharing their week with one another, the little kids fishing off the pier, the teenager girls trying to catch the eyes of the other teenage was life as it was happening, and I was keenly aware for that one moment I could loose all of this......I had a fleeting moment wondering.... if this cancer is bigger than me.......I am going to miss all this and that is why the tears fell.

Today I woke up and went to the gym....the warrior in me came back, accompanied by the teacher andfor all the other women there, I exposed my breast (now there's a surprise right???.....NOT!! LOL) I let them see the biopsy site, I let them feel what a bad lump feels like and I once again felt my optimistic self.

I meet with the plastic surgeon tomorrow at will be right around the corner....could be anytime Tuesday or right after that.......I'll post what I know, when I know it..........

Have you examined your breasts today???

Sunday, August 6, 2006

One other thing......

Because of you........ Yes You! The ones that are reading me and  thinking of me, praying for me, wishing for me and sending good karma and thoughts, has everything falling into place perfectly!

I am in the hands of the A-Team (Great Surgeon, Great plastic Surgeon, Great Oncologist) In 10 days I have been seen rather quickly, tested rather quickly and get the best parking places in the parking garage the hospital! lol The Breast Care coordinator wasn't even supposed to at the hospital on Friday but for some strange reason she decided to check in while I was there for the first time!, I was allowed to have my blood work donw without an appointment.  

People are coming into my lives that we probably would of passed each other by on the street without saying a word to each other, but I am finding a soul sister and cancer survivor in everyone I meet right now.

The majority of people who are just finding lumps are still waiting for mammograms and look where I am in just 10 days or however you have blessed me, prayed for me or just wished me well again.......I am forever grateful....I believe you are helping to create one small miracle after another and I am blessed just to have crossed your paths and your minds!

Again........I am hearing "Wind beneath my wings!" play through my mind! lol

Love and Laughter.........may it find you everyday!

!st week of August in rewind.........Oye Vey! LOL

My Week in rewind.......

Monday is a blur already to me.........I think it was spent telling everybody that I have cancer and that we will all be ok!

Tuesday I met with Dr. McDreamy the surgeon who will remove my left breast very soon (as it sits right now I have 2 major tumors, 1 minor tumors and about 4 or 5 smaller tumors all packed into my left breast) I now know that I have grade 3 breast cancer HIGHLY AGGRESSIVE, I knew that already because they came out of nowhere fast and furious, much like the taxi drivers in Jamaica last month! lol ( I went by myself for this. I drove there and home by myself for this I'll explain at the end of the entry as to why)

Wednesday I met with McDreamy again and had a mammotome biopsy, painless and as usual I talked right through it.....believe it or not McDreamy, Nurse Kathy and I had a fun time! lol He patched me up and I again drove myself home......I wanted to do this alone too!

Thursday I took off my lovely ace bandage and saw what looked like an over thumped melon....bruised, battered and bloody, not to mention my skin is so delicate......nice word delicate, that's about the only thing delicate about me! lol Ok Maybe my hands are still considered delicate! lol But Thursday night my Middle Daughter needed to move out of the apartment that she once shared with old Boyfriend, the one that was diagnosed last Thanksgiving as schizophrenic and then later changed to severely bipolar.........the one who is now stalking her. Well as we are pulling into her apartment complex I see him by her apartment with her permission to remove his not working car out of the garage and I don't even wait for Jim to stop the truck, I fly out of it and go after him.........pretty delicate huh??? lol I told him this was his last warning to leave my Kid alone......I reminded him that this does not have to get nasty but Momma will bring nasty if he touches her or bothers her again.....he took off quickly, so did his Mother who I didn't know was standing a few feet behind me....She already knew how I felt about her from our one and only conversation.......she has listened to me and stopped harassing my kid......I told her I'd get real ugly with her too if I had too! Well, anyway..........Earlier Thursday afternoon, the cancer was confirmed with a quick call from McDreamy to the Pathologist.......this coming Wednesday they hope to have the full report and I will learn exactly whatkind of breast cancer I have....(there are a few) and what stage I am at.....right now preliminary reports with nodes unseen....I am Stage II or Stage III. That really won't be confirmed until after the mastectomy. Thursday night was spent in the ER from over doing it helping with the Middle daughters move, the jump from a moving vehicle and I just needed reassurance that was what it was supposed to look like.....A over thumped and squished melon! lol

Friday day was spent at the New Cancer Hospital that I will be visiting a lot.........met with The Oncologist.... Dr. Serious I shall call him, had some blood work, went over most of the pathologist report, was told they are still waiting on the Estrogen receptor, progesterone receptor and the her 2 reports to see if they can kill a majority of the tumors by shutting down the estrogen or progesterone in my body. Also found out I have MANY tumors of various sizes in my left breast.........I call them "party crashers" totally uninvited house (me) guests! lol I also saw McDreamy again and he just wanted to see a visual of the biopsy site for himself since I was a little freaked out about the blood pooling.......he said my was not the best he's seen, but nowhere near the worst either.........Ok, I can live with that! lol I also met the Breast Care Coordinator and was overwhelmed with information........Jim was with me on Friday, he insisted.......I was over ruled and I am glad he was there to catch most of what I missed after I heard the words  Stage II and Stage III........Ok, So I already knew I was going to be in a battle, now I that it's a lil tougher battle and I will have to be even more of the fierce warrior I am, to kicks it's little ass! They also scheduled a CT scan and Bone Scan for next Friday.............the Mastectomy will pre-empt all that testing if I can get it done earlier in the week.....I have the A-TEAM from everyone I have spoken to about my Doctors.......I'm in good hands and I know it! I was also told by the A-Team they really don't think cancer will invademy right breast ever, so they won't be taking that one off........that one will have to wait for the reduction and lift a good 6 months after the mastectomy and chemo has finished......I am gonna be one lop-sided woman! lol And I have no problem with will bring attention to my breasts along with my fashionably 'Hot' bald head to the need for breast cancer new journey and role in life!
<FONTFACE="COMIC size="4" MS? Sans>

Now why I want to do a majority of this by myself.......I was raised to be a strong minded, strong willed woman....what made that difficult for my Mother was that I took that initiative a little earlier than she wanted me 12 years of age........but because of being damn good at being strong minded and willed I prefer to do some of these things by myself..........I remain calm, and I remain in control of the Cancer and the fear that it causes in most people...........If I were to take my Beloved Husband with me, I probably would fall apart (still haven't done that, it's not my MO anyway, I'll explain more on that in a minute.) If I let my Mother take me.......same situation.....anyone else and I would end up making sure they were I go by myself......Jim, My Mom and other family and friends will invade the Hospital as it is, when I have my surgery........One big love fest! usual MO for any kind of emergency or crisis is....I take charge, I am fierce, I handle it all, I am a rock until it's all I will have my weak moments from time to time, but I will not "loose" it until it's all over and I am cancer free.......then and only then will I cry me a river.......that's who I am, that's who I'll be!

So what you are seeing is not an act, not a benefit for others, I'm not in denial and I have no fear..........I will laugh my way through this and I will help others deal with my cancer and maybe theirs...........Told ya! I'm one tough Irish Broad! lol lol lol

Saturday night I had a blast at the lake again with my family and my friends......cook outs, cocktails, bonfires, great music and I found myself sitting in the huge circle watching these people that I love, having a good time, catching up on each other's lives and children and thankful that I had one more wonderful memory to look back on when I need too!

Even with is good and I am loved.........and for that I am very blessed!

Oh, so how am I spending my Sunday??  quietly.......Jose Cuervo was a friend of mine last I am avoiding that friend today and taking it easy......maybe some fishing and an afternoon nap with my forever bed buddy.....Jim! ;)

Friday, August 4, 2006

Just another day in Paradise..........Ü

I made a quick trip to the ER last night because if you can believe this or not the breast got even uglier than the picture in the entry below and since I am new too all this (Cancer and surgery) stuff I didn't really know what to expect. I was told the site would be painful, I was told there will be some bruising, but this ended up looking like a blood pocket had filled on the bottom/underside of my breast like a blood vessel was leaking, now id they told me that I would have ended up looking like a lypo patient I would have known exactly what to expect thanks to that TV show 'Extreme Make Over" What ever happened to that show anyway?? lol..... So after I was examined, packed with ice and one again into my ace bandage which is very much like a sports bra and you end up with a large boob in the center of your chest LOL! I was sent home.

The pain was no different than the pain I was already experiencing from having a boob filled with large tumors, so even though it looked like it hurt like only did when "The Girls" bounced and for all the other big breasted women out there they are gonna bounce! lol At least with the ace bandage......they don't go anywhere! lol

So laying in bed last night with my beloved Jim..........I quietly reminded him that our Wedding Anniversary is next Tuesday and I usually go pick out my own gift (Jewelry! Hey what did ya expect I'm a girl ya know! lol) then I give him the receipt, a hug and a kiss as a thank you! So this year I thought I would remind him that is was coming up (By the way he has never forgotten our wedding anniversary or the anniversary of our first date and I didn't even remember that one) so after I reminded him I waited in the dark completely silent and after a minute he said, "I already getting you new boobies! What else could you possibly want???" I laughed so hard I almost piddled on myself.

Now that got me to thinking.......if the new areola's are going to be tattooed on....instead of the 'ordinary, everybody already has ones like these kinda aerola's' do you think that they could make them into 5 point stars with the nipple smack dab in the middle???? Janet Jackson ain't got nothing on me! lol lol lol (insert here the reminder of her Super Bowl Blunder Oh that's right her 'wardrobe malfuntion' HAH!)

I know.........I AM SOOOOO BAD! lol lol lol

Thursday, August 3, 2006

Biopsy site (not for the squimish)

If someone would of told me that someday I would be posting a boob shot of myself on the Internet I would of told them to "STEP AWAY FROM THE CRACK PIPE!!!!" But here I am, in the hopes that my journey with my newly diagnosed breast cancer (Yes, the Pathology report confirms it is breast cancer but they were still finishing up the report when my Dr. McDreamy called for a results.) So at this time I still do NOT know what kind of breast cancer I have, but will know for sure when I go see the Oncologist tomorrow at 12:00 p.m.

Dr. McDreamy also wants to see me right after the Oncologist tomorrow do to what my biopsy site looked like when I peeled off my ace bandage. So for those that are squeamish or don't care to see the biopsy site please click the red box on the top right of the journal. A good friend of J-Land has been my inspiration on Breast Cancer awareness by posting shots of herself after her mastectomy We all know and love her as Lahoma aka Mzgoochi  ~~~> MzGoochi's journal link. Like I said, we are here to learn, teach and lean on one another and today I am one of the teachers. PLEASE HAVE YOUR MAMMOGRAMS EVERY YEAR AFTER 40 OR EARLIER IF IT ALREADY RUNS IN YOUR FAMILY!!!!!!


What once used to be an incredible TA TA! lol lol lol

kmh 8/06

The darkest roundish thingy is the incision location, notice the indentation on top right of breast is the "Dimple" they refer to as dimpling when giving yourself you own breast examination. What for sign of this please!

In answer to some of your questions Ü

Again many, many thanks for those who are lifting me up right now, every good wish, every prayer spoken in my name makes me think of that Bette Midler song "Wind beneath my Wings" I have always been a high flyer my whole life, but it feels good to be carried during my weak moments........which by the way I still haven't had yet. Your mind has amazing coping abilities and I'm to busy learning all about breast cancer to let it break me down.

Some of my J-Land friends had a few questions or was uncertain of exactly what is taking place right now since the discovery of the first lump. So here goes...........

First and foremost.......I'm not a whiner, or a woe is me kinda person, I am a this happened to me for a reason and right now I believe the reason is because I can handle the disease and the treatment better than anyone else I am close that is why I haven't or won't do the "Why Me?" thingy. I also think it happened because of me having no fear in sharing my life with no holds barred and keeping it real with my warped sense of humor, I think I could possible inspire others who are going through their own battles with illness.

Second of all there isn't any history of breast cancer in my family, so far only 1 case of lung cancer (terminal Paternal Aunt Dolly LOVED THAT WOMAN! and I am often compared to her by other family members) The second case of cancer in my family was My Paternal Uncle Emmett aka Uncle Bunzo (Another fantastically sarcastic and funny man) To read about his humor even at his own funeral follow this link

I turned 40 in 2003, I had my check up, my always entertaining pelvic exam and my pap smear, breast exam and my first mammogram....everything came back 'unremarkable' That's wonderful in medical lingo, but I would of hated that term if it was ever used to describe myself! lol In 2004 I did the same tests all over again and again I was 'unremarkable' I made my appointment in 2005, but the only thing I did not follow through with was the mammogram.....I had another "female check up" either February or April of this year (I'll find out for sure when I see my GP again soon) and again I had everything done except the mammogram.......I think I am kicking myself in the ass about this right now........but since the breast exam by my GP showed no abnormalities and thought I could put of the mammogram maybe one more year.......wishing I would of done it now......nothing I can do about that now so let's move on shall we?

Mid spring of 2006 is when I first felt some pain in my left breast (they say breast cancer is painless) I beg to differ now. I felt the pain when Jim hugged me tight, it felt like a PMS boob...soar, but not enlarged.....I remember saying a lot to him when cuddling, Watch my boob! When I discussed just all the mood swings, sore breasts, fatigue with my GP, they said sounds like peri menopause to I didn't pay any more attention to it........I would have days and days where my left breast felt like it was engorged with breast milk (I breast fed all my babies) and when your engorged you in pain, when you are having PMS your boobs become swollen and tender, so I didn't really think anything suspicious.

While in Jamaica, I noticed the large dimple on top left side of my left breast, and I noticed that the right side of my breast was still soft, but the left side was hard with defined borders. I went to the Doctor 4 days after arriving home and she found only one lump (5 o'clock position on the left breast) I couldn't get a mammogram time slot with a ultra sound time slot (right after one another) until almost 2 weeks later, by that time there were two tumors.

So that is how it started and by today I will have the results of my biopsy and that will tell my what kind of breast cancer I have. There are several different types with different treatments and prognosis. So I will know more later today in which to do battle with this disease, but as it stands now, I know for sure I will need a mastectomy and Chemo.......I am not a candidate for just tumors are too large and two many......I will find out if I need radiation only after they remove the breast and some lymph nodes, I was able to get into the Oncologist's sooner than August 25, they are seeing me this Friday and I will probably have the mastectomy some time in the next week. So see your prayers are working....In less then one week I was diagnosed, seen by a surgeon, biopsied and now will meet the man who will fight to save my life....Thank you for your good thoughts, your good wishes and your prayers!

I have no fear at this point, I have no reason to cry and I am over being angry now........Now I am ready to do battle and laugh myself healthy glass has not been knocked over, it's always half full.....probably with tequila but hey it's half full! lol lol lol

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

I'm Baaaaack! (Biopsy)

I would highly recommend a mammotome biopsy for anyone who needs to have one done! Looks kinda like one of those long lighters that you start fireplaces and grills with....but I was in and out in less than a half and very minimal blood loss and 6 "MOST EXCELLENT" samples taken (3 from each breast) ok, because I am sooooo nosy I wanted to watch the whole thing, the samples looked very similar to wax worm for all my fishing buddies out there. Yellowish/white in color.......He will have the results rushed through and I will know what kind of breast cancer I am dealing with by 1:00 ish tomorrow afternoon.

McDreamy told me to get in touch with my GP then get an appointment with the Oncologist and a plastic surgeon....I will definitely need chemo.......radiation is still iffy because they will not know about the nodes until they remove the breast. (3 nodes effected no radiation, more than 3 I will need radiation too)

Down side to this is the Oncologist can't get me in until August 25th!!!! I told them that McDreamy wanted all this done as soon as possible and they are now talking to Oconcologist's Nurse to see if they can sneak me in sooner.........McDreamy wants this boob gone next week!

Because I will need chemo they can't do the new boob surgery until after my treatments are over....they will be stretching out the skin with a saline solution or even tissue from a mini tummy tuck! BONUS!!!!!! After all treatments are finished they will either redo the healthy right boob or remove it and start all over again on that one.

And because I am nosy, I had to ask what they plan on doing with the areola and the nipple from the old boobs. Do they use them on the new boobs? With cancer nope! The thought of cadaver areolas and nipples is just too much for Jim to deal with and I must say that would kinda freak me out a little bit.....It would feel like Jim is cheating on me or something! lmaoooooo So this is what they do......... They reconstructed a [piece of your own skin into a nipple shape and they tattoo on an areola!!!! Amazing isn't it???

I can just see now, while I am out in polite society when this is all over and done with and I get that, "OH MY GOD, she has her nose pierced!" look and then it's open season from there on out.............Yes, I have my nosed pierced and I have two two (or possible 3) tattoos too?  One is of a shamrock on my ass and the other one is a nipple on my breast (or breasts) Wanna see em?? I can just see all the color drain from their faces is going to bet a lot more interesting around here for me! lol lol lol

I still don't know if it's anywhere else in my body, I won't know that until I meet with the Oncologist and he orders, chest scan, blood work, body imaging scan and a few others....right now I am wrapped in an ace bandage and told I could not go bowling tonight like I do on the league with my girlfriends.........he said you can go cheer them on, but NO BOWLING today.....of course I asked if I could still have a cocktail and he said yes..but NO BOWLING........the irony of all this with my girfriends bowling team is our team name is "DOUBLE D DELIGHTS" now it lookes like we are going to have to change it to 3 DOUBLE D's and a C!" ..................My Bad!




Met my own Dr. McDreamy! lol

Try as I might I can't get the ultra sound shots and the mammogram shots to save to my computer.......if I ever do, I PROMISE to post them.

First of all yes my Surgeon is indeed hot, what I liked about him most was that he stated that I was 'ONLY" 43 and that I was still a baby! Now I think I would of kissed him if he would of dropped the  "Y" off of baby and added an "E" instead! lol  I am going to refer to him as Dr. McDreamy............what can I say I am a HUGE Grey's Anatomy fan!

Well, Dr. McDreamy wasn't satisfied with the radiologist report, so I was quickly moved to a new room in his office and given another Ultra Sound.....I now have 3 tumors.....not 2....I told him that I already know that I have cancer and he said, "Good because I know it's cancer too, but we will be performing a biopsy anyway to confirm it all up and I don't want to wait with you, I want to do it tomorrow afternoon!" I said "My schedule is open, let's do it!" It's not like I'm going to say, "Ummmm, I don't think I can make it, there are having a really good shoe sale tomorrow!" lol So I have to be there at 11:45.....No lotions, no powders and no deodorant..........great! It's gonna be like 99 degrees here and I am going to smell like Pepe Le pew!

Ok, So here is the medical lingo on radiologists report........

Right Breast remains heterogeneously dense with a stable distribution of fibroglandular tissue shadows. No pleomorphic cluster of calcifications.

There has been significant interval change involving the left breast. There is increasing density, diffusely involving the left superolateral breast. There are several areas which appear nodular.

The patient places a left marker superiorly. (Hey Im Good!) There is a subjacent lobulated/nodular mass with spiculation.  There is also some architectural distortion centrally.  Associated pleomorphic cluster of calcifications are not present. This focus us measured at approximately 3x4 cm on the MLO view.

The patient places a second marker more inferiorly (So I'm not perfect! lol) involving the left breast. There is a corresponding mass with ill-defined borders, This is measured at approximately 2x2,5 cm.

Targeted ultrasound was performed of both of these areas. There is a heterogeneous hypochoic mass corresponding to the more superior lesion. Sonographically, this is measured at 3.8 x 1.9 x 3.6 cm.  This is seen at the 2o'clock position, 7 cm from the nipple.

The second more inferior lesion also has a corresponding sonographic abnormality. This is hetergeneous and predominately hypoechoic. The borders are extremely irregular. This is seen in the 3 0'clock position, approximately 5 cm from the nipple.

Sonographically, there is also a suggestion of the two other discrete hypochoic foci. These are seen inferior interposed between the two palpable lesions. One is measured at approx 1.6 x 1.2 x 1.6 and the other is 1.5x2.0x1.5. This may be contiguous or additional satellite foci.

The findings are highly worrisome for multi focal neoplasm involving the left breast.

Findings highly suspicious for multi focal neoplasm involving the left breast.
Birds Code 5: Highly suspicious of malignancy, Highly probability of malignancy.

After seeing Dr. McDreamy he said after his ultra sound results were looked at............3 tumors.........2 o'clock, 3 o'clock and 5:30 O'clock. I will need a left breast mastectomy, with reconstruction done right after the removal of the left breast. What they will not do is give me back a new boob in my original "D" "DD" size. Makes it to difficult for future mammogram's........ok then what about my right breast? I can't have a perky C cup on the left then a 43 year old drooping breast on my right, if they don't do a double mastectomy! He said they will do a breast reduction on the right breast, then a lift to make them both symmetric again. This is all I know for now.......lab results within 24 to 48 hours and we will take it from possibly by Friday and I will let you know what happens after that!

I have no idea what all these medical terms mean, but I know it's cancer....I'll look them up later....time to get ready for the mammotome biopsy......their web site is
newest, most reliable and least invasive! Bonus for me!!!! lol

Tuesday, August 1, 2006

A game of Chess anyone?? lol

kmh 2006

This is an actual, playable chess board at the resort we stayed at in Jamaica. I had learned to play chess when I was about 12 years old, but the "how to play the game" has totally escaped me some 30 years later. My Son and My Husband would of played this for hours. The little Prince tries everyday to over throw the King.....he wants to out wit, out smart and out play his Father every chance he gets. The 'Grasshopper' has been taught very well by the Master.

I think this would be a good match up for a new spin on "Survivor!" You know how teens think they are sooooo much smarter than their parents.....put them all on an island together and let think see just how smart their parents are, that will teach them! lol

Now I thought this Chess Board was pretty cool, but personally I think it would of been even funner (Yes I know that's is not a real word, but it's my blog and I can make them up as I go along!) if this was the game "Battleship" same object to capture the other opponents pieces and who didn't like hearing....."You sunk my battleship!!!" lol

Well, it's almost time to get ready to meet my "HOT" new Surgeon.....see already another perk with this cancer thingy..A hot doctor gets to feel me up and my DH can't divorce me over it! lol lol lol