Monday, November 29, 2004

Holidays with the In-laws

Holidays with the In-laws.....its a catch's never a win-win situation for me.

I can pack up myself and my children's things and make a 7 and half hour car ride to the In-laws in Kentucky, and for those that don't know me, a car ride with my kids can somewhat effect my sunny disposition! lol or I can overwork and over stress myself by getting my house ready for my MIL's white glove inspection if I invite them here! How is this occasion supposed to conjure up warm fuzzy feelings over spending the holidays with my husbands family???

With me going there, I spend the days before the trip doing laundry making sure my kids white clothes are white enough, and the colored clothes are bright enough, I have to make arrangements for the pets, the mail and the newspapers and the house, I have to make a huge list so that everything thing that goes down to KY makes it back up here, I have to threaten my kids at every mile marker that if they say one more word or touch one more sibling that they will have will be having road kill for their thanksgiving dinner while they sit on the side of the road waiting for our return trip back north!

I have to go over what they can say and can't say in front of the In-laws (old fashioned way of thinking when it comes to kids) I have to make sure the girls haven't packed any belly shirts or low cut tops and that my son doesn't wear his pants that bag down to his knee caps. Then I get to spend 4 days held against my will in a very small town where everybody knows everybody's business and when that is all discussed the talk turns to the weather, then everybody's ailments......arggggggg! Only to have to get back into the truck with the kids for a repeat return trip back home with me contemplating when to jump out of the moving vehicle. No wonder I lock myself in my room for 24 hours upon returning home.

And if I invite them up here, I spend at least a week stressing myself out getting the house clean enough for the MIL, while doing these marathon cleaning attacks against the dust bunnies and smudges and finger printed wall in my house it has to be done with bleach, if she doesn't smell bleach, then the house isn't clean enough and cook a fabulous meals without the benefit of using spices...especially garlic (Both the inlaws hate it) You might be wondering why I go through all that just to please her, I don't do it for her, I do it for her Son, the man who I love and married. I do it so he doesn't have to watch two women that he loves very much gripe about each other behind each other's back where he is stuck in the middle listening to it all! lol

I bite my tongue most of the time, sometimes so hard that I draw blood, but there are a few things we have learned not to do around each took years of trial and error and years of practice! I don't bring up the fact that she doesn't know how old she is exactly (something about being from a large family born in the south in their house and no birth certificates) so she doesn't know if she was born in 1920 or 1927 (yeah right!) and She won't go around telling my children what they can and can't do....that's my job and it irks me to no end when someone tries to parent my children when I'm standing right there, If Rachel wants to wear her bangs in her eyes so be it!, If Amanda wants to wear all black so be it, If Jimmy wants to grow his hair long so be it, If Melissa wants to be gone most of the time so be it, ect.

And as far as my father in law is concerened.....I love him to death but he refuses to wear his hearing aid, so everything has to be repeated 3 times at the top of your lungs, The only thing that get me through it is they love my children almost as much as I do and I love them for that! Ahhhh yes.........I just love the holidays with the In-laws!

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

"Personality traits"

I recently stumbled across a quote saying, "I have a personality for every occasion" I think that is true for almost everybody. Most of us are able to bring forward the type of personality that is needed in almost every situation.

I am the
when I see something or someone hurting, I want to make everything "All better." I carry around a lot of guilt if I can't make someone's pain go away, I have to keep reminding myself that sometimes there is no end result in every situation, I can't fix everything.

I am the
when I see someone who needs to "Talk." I later discovered I might of done this because it was so much easier to heal others then heal myself. I am the one others come too when they need advice, but in I have a tough time asking for help myself. I am just not programmed to do that, giving up control over me and letting someone help me is very difficult. It only makes me more determined to handle everything myself.

I am the
if I see a terrible injustice, especially if it's one of my children that needs to be defended! Talk about the "Momma Bear Syndrome" but don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those Mother's that says,"Not my child!" I know what my children are capable of, I'm an expert on them. But I have a hard time sitting still and being a quiet bystander when I see someone who needs help defending themselves. I remember coming across a brawl in the street among several High Schoolers in my area, I didn't know any of them, but I stopped my truck and yelled out the window, "Knock it off right now before I call your Mothers!" and I showed my cell phone they all took off running, fight that was funny! Ü

I am the
"Wounded Child"
when something triggers a not so kind childhood memory. The pain comes rushing back fast, and I feel those old walls going up fast! The thought of how cold and distant I can become in a New York Moment shocks me today, but it was something I had to learn to do in order to survive my childhood. I can't seem to undo that part of my personality.

I am the
when I see a situation that needs to be disarmed. I keep a level head and try to put everything into perspective for all parties. Sometimes all it takes is a lil humor and everything gets settled down.

It's funny how each personality trait knows when to show itself, it's like they linger somewhere just below the surface and are always ready to come forward when a situation arises...... How many live inside you??? lol

Monday, November 22, 2004

Weekend Assignment 35: Thankful

Weekend Assignment 35: Thankful  

 A few things I'm thankful for.......

Chocolate peanut butter ice cream (Baskin Robbins)

The fact that my In-laws live 400 miles away from me

That menopause is right around the corner

That I am no longer concerned with the size of my butt and I could care less if my butt looks big in anything anymore! lol

That Spring always follows Winter

That I am no longer bound to my make up bag and high heels

White Chocolate

My down (feather) comforter

 hot bubble baths with a good book

Jammie days

My favorite Japanese Restaurant

My cell phone and ATM card 

The fact that I'm allowed to change my mind without an explanation (that's my prerogative) and yes that is how that word is spelled! lol

Red nail polish

school days


Just a silly lil list in no particular order.........hope ya got a giggle out of something! lol

Sunday, November 21, 2004

"Fast Foward"

November is almost over and so is this year! A lot has happened and I feel pretty much caught up in the snow ball effect of it all. Time passed much more slowly when I was younger, when my children were younger, I used to think, "Please God! It has to go faster than this!"

When your a stay at home Mom you loose all track of time, many days I had to ask my kids not only what day of the week it was but what was the actually date. It's easy to loose yourself when you are totally involved with someone else's life and when your a parent, especially a Mother that is exactly what it is, total commitment.

Having two out of school and getting on with their owns lives has made my life a little easier, now I have more time to concentrate on getting the younger two ready for life. Having two separate set of children (age wise) gives me the sense of Deja Vu all the time! lol The only difference sometimes is the last child was is a lil boy, and nothing the 3 older girls did was remotely similar to what a lil boy can get himself into! lol

With having two still in school (Middle School) my life is still pretty much ruled by the school calendar, but nothing was quite as hectic as it was a couple of years ago when I had one in grade school, one in middle school, one in high school and one off in college. I didn't know if I was coming or going half the time! My morning prayer was please Lord, don't let them forget anything! lol

Right now in my life I cherish MY quiet time, the blissful 6.5 hours that I have to myself everyday. I can write, run off with my camera, be online, shop, nap, spend time with my friends, etc., the list is endless. I still have a few more years in raising my last two lil ones, but I'm secretly hoping by the time they graduate high school my two older ones will be settled down with babies of their own, so I can still get my "Baby Fix" when I need one. Oh the freedom in loving a small child then handing them over to their own parent when I want too, can life get any better than that?? lol

I can't wait for sleep overs with the grandbabies, watching my Husband wander off with a grandchild or two to go fishing, listening to my own children's parental war stories about how hard it is to raise children these days, (of course I'll have that Cheshire cat grin on my face) But most off all I'm looking forward to having my Husband all too myself!

Life ispretty much on "fast forward" right now and I'm looking forward to the time I can hit "pause" in the mean time I'm trying not to run my battery down! lol

Saturday, November 20, 2004

True Companion

One of my favorite songs by Marc Cohn is called "True Companion" and it's about finding the "Right One" and pledging to spend the rest of your life with that person. Marc Cohn is best known for his "Walking in Memphis" song..... but this song is by far his best!

Baby I've been searching like everybody else
Can't say nothing different about myself
Sometimes I'm an angel
and sometimes I'm cruel
and when it comes to love
I'm  just another fool
Yes I'll climb a mountain
I'm gonna swim the sea
There ain't no act of God girl
could keep you safe from me

My arms are reaching out
Out across this canyon
I'm asking you to be my true companion
true companion
true companion

So don't you dare and try to walk away
I've got my heart set on our wedding day
I've got this vision of a girl in white
made my decision that it's you allright
and when I take your hand
I'll watch my heart set sail
I'll take my trembling fingers
and I'll lift your veil
Then I'll take you home and with wild abandon
Make love to you just like a true companion
you are my true companion
I got a true companion
true companion

When the years have done
irreparable harm
I can see us walking slowly arm in arm
Just like that couple on the corner do
'Cause girl I'll always be in love with you
And when I look in your eyes
I'll still see that spark
Until the shadows fall
Until the room grows dark
Then when I leave this earth
I'll be with the angels standin'
I'll be out there waiting
for my true companion
true companion
true companion


(sniffle sniffle)

The Note

As I wrote in an earlier entry(2 entries down) about the "Phone Call" for my son, it was quiet for a few days, that was until yesterday. A boy passed my son a note in school from the girl that had her friends call him the other night. In the note she apologized for the phone call and explained to him that she had some down time during dance class and since she told her friends all about him at dance class they decided to call him. Two more of her friends wrote brief notes in this same message to my Son as it was passed along, and it reading it myself it sounded like they liked him too! A few things about if you want to meet me I'll be here at such and such a time and so on......I don't think Courtney would appreciate the innuendoes her friends left for my Son if she even was aware of them.

He wrote back and very nicely told her that he liked another girl and to please not call or write him again and to have her friends not call him anymore either.  He said, "Mom I didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her that he didn't like her and I didn't want to be mean either" so the letter was very neat and very brief. (he has beautiful penmanship and he's very articulate in speech and writing) I was very proud that he took her feelings into account and wanted to let her down gently. Then the next 'NOTE" came.

The next note from her stated, "Your note to me sounded like a freakin English paper! and you wrote like a girl!" then the next line floored me.........she wrote,"I don't care if you don't like me, I'm going to still like you and I'm going to have all my friends call you and bug you too!" Now Momma is sitting here thinking, "Oh bring it on little girl!" lol She has no idea how Mothers feel about their sons! lol

My Son was devastated.....he said Mom, "I wasn't mean to her, I just wanted her and her friends to leave me alone and then she attacks me in this note." (I know very grown up of him) But now he's angry and wants to tell her exactly why he doesn't like her.......This girl has no idea what she just got herself into! lol.......She doesn't know he has 3 older sisters! lol They are helping him plot his next strategic move...........

Poor girl is not going to know what hit her! lol lol lol But after her last note to my son I no longer feel sorry for her....he tried to do the right thing and she chose not to accept it. I wonder what her parents would think of that note??? lol

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

The Puppy

This is my new baby "Boo" Sorry it took me so long to get his picture up for those that have been waiting, his kennel cough has cleared up and his hernia operation is scheduled for next week. He is now weighing in at a whopping 5 pounds 11 ounces and he'll be 4 months old tomorrow.

We are still working on the potty training and sometimes he sleeps through the night and some nights we can be found out in the yard about 3:30 in the morning with me pleading for him to go potty and him running through the yard playing catch me if you can! What was I thinking????? And as for my older dog......he is still completely ignoring his new lil brother! lol


The Phone Call

OK, so I'm bias, I think my lil boy is adorable and apparently the lil girls at school are starting to think so too! lol Even though he was given his first kiss on the school bus on his way home from kindergarten 7 years ago, he still is isn't comfortable when the girls pay attention to him, I think that's about to change real soon!

Last winter while my Sister's family and mine where trying to escape the winter blues for an extended weekend, we were staying at a place that has rooms pool side with private patio's outside the rooms to keep an eye on the kids as they swam in the huge indoor pool. Near the deep end of the pool is a floor to ceiling glass wall that you can access the outside part of the pool without ever leaving the pool, (very cool to be in a heated pool outside on a snowy night!) Across from the pool is the hot tub, so I'm watching my son and my 9 year old nephew make there way over to the hot tub which at this point isn't occupied, not more than 1 minute after they enter the hot tub comes 3 lil girls to join them. One little girl says to my son, "My friend likes you" that my Son replies, "That's nice" and quickly exits the hot tub, rather sarcastically as to my nephew when he repeats to us why they jumped out of the hot tub so fast, they were both like, "Girls!!!!" My Sister and I laughed so hard at the expressions on their faces as if these girls just ruined there weekend away! lol

So last night through the oh so smart caller ID the phone keeps ringing every 5 minutes with a cell phone number popping up so, since it's just my 2 little ones My (13 and 12 yr. old) I don't answer it thinking it's friends of my older daughter's. Finally on the 4th try I tell my 13 year old daughter just answer it and tell them you sister isn't home. She's says hello, then with a stunned look on her face she says
"Jimmy?" and then hands the phone to my son. He says hello a few times and no reply, then finally a girls voice says, "Is this Jimmy?" he says sternly "YES?" then a bunch of giggles on the other end break out, he say's "HELLO?" one more time then he's asked,"Do you know a Courtney so and so?" and he says sternly again "YES!" (the look of agony on his face is priceless!) This is where he tells me later that so many girls are giggling and Courtney won't say a word so he says,"I gotta go!"
and quickly hangs up the phone.

Now I'm dying, its his first 'girl' phone call and I'm just beaming! He of course doesn't want to talk about it, all's he says is,
"Now why would a bunch of girls just call me and do nothing but talk to each other and call each other names and laugh the whole time!?"

And all I'm thinking is, "Get used to it buddy because from now on it's gonna happen a lot!" lol and then I break off into a dead heat to call my sister so I can giggle like a school girl too! lol I was still giggling about it when my Husband came home from work so I enlightened him with the story of 'The phone call' and his look is almost as mournful as my Son's was. I think he (My Husband) just realized he's gonna be loosing his lil fishing buddy real soon, to the dark side.........GIRLS! lol

Monday, November 15, 2004

Leave me alone BILL!!!!!

Oh how I hate to get mail from "BILL" I seem to get a lot of mail from "BILL" He's always wanting money, he seems to have several different aliases too!

BILL, gas BILL, electric BILL, Insurance BILL(s), Credit card BILL(s), Cell phone BILL, Orthodontic BILL, his list of aliases seems to be endless. I don't think he's ever going away! He's pretty uncanny though, he always seems to show up just when I think I have extra cash left over in the checking account, I'm sitting around thinking hmmmmm what do I want? what do I want? and then WHAM!!! BILL
shows up with his hand out again! So much for that great lil pair of shoes, I was about to make mine! lol

I wish
BILL would take a vacation, a long vacation especially over the holiday season! Hasn't BILL
ever met SANTA? I seem to run into him out in public a lot too, I ran into him at the grocery store, the vets office, I swear he must hear the swooooosh of my debit card and come running.

I had a BIG SMILE on my face when I went out to dinner and then a show a while back........guess what I saw?.........."KILL
part one and two! Oh the ideas that movie gave me! lmaooooooo

Friday, November 12, 2004

The Other Woman

This is the 'Other Woman" in my husbands life. He spends quit a bit of time with "Her" in the summer. I don't care for "Her" much. I don't care if red is "Her" color! it's my color too! There are times they go off for a weekend together and he spends his nights with "Her!"

Other times "She" sits in the drive way just waiting for him to come spend a little time with "Her", Often when I pass "Her" in the drive way, I want to give "Her" a swift kick to the tire that holds "Her" up in "Her" lofty esteem!

One of my daughters actually tried to get rid of "Her" for me, not really for me, it was an accident. She was trying to sneak past "Her" with my Husbands pick up truck, when she accidentally backed into "Her" and snapped "Her" off "Her" trailer and there "She" laid slumped over, a good 10 feet from where my Husband had left "Her." I think I actually saw him shed a tear for "Her" I secretly did the happy dance on the other side of "Her."

I live for the time I see "Her" tail lights exiting the driveway on "Her" way to the big white pole barn where all the "other women" in all the other marriages rest for the winter. I dread the day "She" always comes back to him.

There used to be "Another Woman a Different Woman" When I was told "She" would no longer be staring at me from the driveway, I was thrilled to death, with the thought of never seeing "Her" again. It was short lived though, "She" did leave my Husband for another Husband but it was only across the street, now I have to look at them both....... all summer long!  In the famous words of Herbert Morrison,  the American radio reporter, who is best known for his vivid description of the explosion and fire that destroyed the Hindenburg zeppelin........
Oh, the humanity!
lol lol lol

To Dance With You at 82

I normally occupy a great deal of my husbands thoughts, I like knowing that. The only time I take a back seat and I'm ok with that too, is when he's in his element. When he's fishing or hunting.

I love to sit and watch him when he's doing something that he really enjoys. It's like I get a glimpse into his other world. I don't think I'll ever get bored gazing at my Husband. Watching my Husband interact with our Son is one of my favorite pastimes, it's the only time I don't mind not being a member of the "No Girls Allowed" club. My Husband is my sons' best friend. Oh.... How just watching them together just warms my heart! I don't mind sharing one with the other.

My greatest wish in life, is to dance with my Husband on our 50th wedding anniversary, I am in such awe of the couples that spend a life time together. I will be 77 on that day and he will be 82 and I hope that is the one wish granted to me. In today's society there seems to be so much infidelity in a marriage and maybe it's because of my own Father's many indiscretions, that is the one thing I know I will never do, for to loose the way my Husband looks at me......... would be like a life........... without sunshine.

(photo taken on trip up to Northern Wisconsin, three of our four children can be seen in the back ground on the pier.)

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

"Garden Party".....In series (1)

I am a gardener wanna be, I love flowers and plants, but I'm know for being able to kill a cactus, that's is why my Husband usually never gives me plants, just cut flowers, they are expected to die off....... there for I have no guilt when they do. I haven't actually planted anything in the ground, I'm just getting comfortable with pots and big dream is to have an English Garden someday.....the kind you can get lost in, the kind you want to get lost in. Another short series in photos.

Another babydoll??

Notice the "Dollies" tucked away safely in mine and my sisters arms?I'm the one on the right. This was yet another Christmas morning, just another place....Del Rio Texas....That we were given dolls at Christmas. You think our parents wanted grandkids or what? Talk about pre-dispositioning a child's mind. I wonder what would have happened if I was given a hammer every Christmas, scratch that, I just would have hit my siblings with it! But what about a train, or a baseball and glove?.....Alls I know is...that when it was time for me to be a Mother, I already knew what to do.

I wonder if I would have be ecstatic as a small child to receive a "teenager doll" you know the kind.....the mouthy, sometimes know everything, sometimes disrespectful kind. Would I have gone into that labor room with such a smile on my face? Or would I have gone in requesting the "White Jacket" treatment instead? LOL

As of right now I'm in the in-between stages of my 2 sets of kids, the older ones 21 and 18 are too busy with their lives right now to give me any grief, although I do catch a sighting of them once in a while......trace evidence....water splatter in the shower, a half can of soda, fresh tire tracks in the driveway, that sort of thing. My younger 2 have just hit the ages where the "dark side begins" 12 and 13! Again just traces of evidence leading up to this conclusion too. Dead cordless phones, a look that would like to imply more than what they said, that constant clicking of the tongue and roll of the eyes, I can see it about to's the twitch before the roll! lol

I survived the 2 older ones with just a few scratches, a few bad grades in High School, experimentation with pot and underage drinking, both tried smoking and much to my dismay both like it and won't even discuss quitting, a few taking the parents cars without permission and sex after the age of 18. I have been blessed, things could have be worse......way.....worse......they could have been more like me!

Now I just look at my younger 2 and wonder........what are you
going to do to Mommy! But I'm ready......I'm sooooooo ready! lol

Tuesday, November 9, 2004

Fall......In series (3)

"Color Explosion"

" series (2)

"Gently Down The Stream"

"Fall"...In series (1)

For my fellow journalers that live in the far south and can't enjoy the beautiful colors of fall. Another short series called "Fall" series (2)

This is the lighthouse that sits in Michigan.......St. Joseph/Benton Harbor area of Lake Michigan. It has a very long concrete walk out that the local fisherman spend all day casting and exchanging old fish stories with anybody that happens to smile their way.

Lighthouses....In Series (1)

 Another favorite for me to photograph has to be lighthouse. From their whimsical colors to the heroic duties. I'm in love with their colors and their heroic duties. And as far as the scenery that surrounds them, it doesn't get anymore beautiful then that. On a trip back from Niagara Falls my family and I decided to make our way back to Chicago slowly and take in all the little towns that bordered Lake Ontario, Lake Erie and South Eastern Lake Michigan. Another series of Lighthouses and beaches in photographs. My two youngest at MarbleHead Lighthouse

Monday, November 8, 2004

"Barns" series (4)

This barn unfortunately was taken down recently too. It was probably one of the largest barns I had ever seen and its red color was stunning in contrast to the emerald green of the sod farm that was next door to it.

"Barns" in series (3)

This one I really love because it is so well hidden from view that if you drive by to fast you will probably miss it. series (2)

This was taken of an old farm that was recently sold to build new Library.I liked the way the barn doors served as a frame for the trees off in the distant field. This barn was just starting to loose its "barn red" to the color of aged barn wood. A lot of the times when an old barn is torn down people come and take what they want off of it to make crafts and such.

Photos......Barns in series (1)

There is something about old barns that makes me stop and admire their quiet beauty. The older and more worn a barn is the more it tugs at my heart strings..... This is but a few of the images of days gone by. I also love the old farm houses that accompany them, but its the barns themselves that keep me in awe.



Sunday, November 7, 2004 series



Trees....a series in pictures

I'm not sure what it is but I am soooo drawn to trees! They can be full of leaves of green, or brightly colored yellow or red right before their annual shedding or stripped bare and I still find them hauntingly beautiful. I'm going to share a few of my favorite shots in a quick series. I hope you can see the beauty I found in them.




Ok, I've talked about the important loves in my life, the good, the bad and the ugly, I feel they have all played a part in getting me to where I am today and who I was supposed to be with in this life time.

Many times during and after my time in New York, I always ran into Jim while in Chicago, the man who I knew would be my husband someday. This is what I meant about us always finding our way back to each other even though it was never the right times in our lives.

When I moved back to Chicago, the man who I fell in love with at first sight and I vowed would be my husband someday (This happened before Danny) had bought the house behind my Mothers without both of us knowing we were neighbors.

I didn't find this out until I was already pregnant with my first child, this is also the same time his marriage was falling apart and his wife had filed for divorce. Our timing was still off...... way off.

Our time didn't happen until 9 weeks after the birth of my daughter. We were finally free of everybody and this was OUR TIME. Funny how the heart knows things long before they happen! I knew when I first saw him that he would be my husband someday, everything happens for a reason and I believe the reasons we were not brought together sooner was, my daughter Amanda was supposed to be here on this earth with me and his daughter Melissa was to be also, we could have never made those two children together, the two children that we were supposed to bring forward came later. I believe in destiny, I am who I am, everything I had to experience made me who I am supposed to be today, I'm not sure why everything I had to learn was always the hard way, but maybe God in his infinite wisdom thought it was the only way I would learn anything! lol

We have been together since our first date....... April 13, 1986
there are times the ride was a bumpy ride but OOOOOH what a ride!

Love.......the series final chapter

For those that have just found this series you can start at the very beginning

Danny's calls went un returned by me for almost a week, I needed time to think, I needed time to see if I ever wanted to return to my life in New York. Danny had called and had spoken to my Mother several times, he wanted answers she couldn't give him, she just reminded him to be patient and understand that I was only 18 when I left with him. He asked if he should fly in to talk with me and she said wait to talk to hear from me first.

I finally called Danny and told him what my heart and head had been telling me for a while. Yes, I did love him but I couldn't live in New York, I had to be here in Chicago, with my family. I told him that it was his turn to take sometime and think now, could he make that kind of sacrifice for me? It's not that his sub contracting business couldn't find work here too, the market was still booming. I had left with him at 18, I would be turning 21 soon
maybe I wasn't such a "big girl" after all. He agreed to think about everything we talked about and now the ball was in his court.

We still talked late into the hours every night, sometimes we cried, sometimes we fought, I felt making our home here in Chicago for a while would be good for the relationship, he thought getting married and still reside in New York would solve everything! I think it was that old women are from Venus and men are from Mars thing. He thought getting married was all I needed. He also thought he could never live in Chicago.

We continued to fly back and forth to see each other whenever we could, we still talked regularly on the phone. He did actually propose to me once in New York while I was there visiting for a few weeks. I said come live in Chicago he said I can't leave the East coast. The ring never made it out of the little black box, I didn't want the charade of an engagement that wouldn't really end up with a marriage and a life together.

Danny talked a lot with my Mother whenever he called and I wasn't around, he told her I love her enough to let her grow up and when she's done I'll still be here waiting for her. It was the word "here" that bothered me. "Here" to him always meant the East coast, I might of not known what I wanted at that time in my life but I sure as hell knew what I didn't want....I didn't want to live in New York anymore.

The relationship deteriorated into talking only once in a while and empty promises of visits to there and here. I think we both knew the relationship was over when he went to Hawaii for 2 months and didn't invite me along and I didn't care that he didn't. He did stop in Chicago on his way back home, I had received the usually souvenirs, the post card of him scuba diving with his actual picture on the front under water, I knew it was him instantly, he also sent those post cards to his family, which promptly read them and threw them out, they didn't know it was him on the post card.

It was this visit that I had to tell him that I might be pregnant, it wasn't his baby. We weren't a couple anymore, he knew I was seeing other people, I knew he was. It wasn't spoken about but we both knew. I think that was the last straw so to speak, he was furious, that I was sexually active again, I had been home for almost a year, my life was moving on, his was too. He left angry when the EPT proved I was indeed expecting. What he forgot to inform me of was the woman from Germany that he had met while in Hawaii, who was planning on stopping in New York on her return flight back to Germany (at his invitation) to see him again. Oma must have been very pleased, he finally had a German Girl for her to meet. I wasn't supposed to be sexually active but he could?

My priorities had changed, I was pregnant and going to have a baby, I couldn't chase a dream around anymore. That was the last time I heard from Danny.........Life goes on

The End.......... of the "Danny Years"

Saturday, November 6, 2004

Love ...the series part 8

For those that have just found this series you can start at the very beginning

Danny and I had spent countless hours on the phone during my 2 months back home, He was still working a lot of hours in Newark, New Jersey and decided to stay there during the week and come home to New York only on the weekends. He said he didn't like coming home to an empty house.

I had a blast catching up with my friends and my family, it was nice not to be the problem child anymore. I had turned 19 In February while we where living in Daytona and thought it was a great time for me to finally grow up. There is this thing that when you turn 18, society doesn't view you as a minor any more, but the only right of passage turning 18 boils down to is being able to vote, enlist and buy a pack cigarettes. There really is no difference in your maturity level from turning 17 to 18, but there is something that definitely feels different about being 19. I don't know maybe its feeling like you have at least 1 year now tucked under your belt at being a so called adult! lol

When my plane finally touched down in New York I was glad to be back and couldn't wait to see Danny after my long absence. And by the way, there is no getting used to seeing the Statue of Liberty up close, face to face on descending into Laguardia, it took my breath away every time!

While retrieving my luggage Danny informed me he had a surprise waiting for me, of course the little kid in me sprang forth again and was begging him to tell me now, but he kept telling just wait and see! He was so good to me as it was, but reminded me that being gone 2 months was too long as far as he was concerned. I could understand....for me it flew by because I didn't get a chance to be lonely, I always had some place to go, some people to see. He on the other hand, had to come home to an empty house. When we finally made it to the parking garage, my surprise was my new Toyota was my very first car and I now had the freedom to go where I wanted to in New York while Danny was at work. Look out New York City here I come!!!!!! first excusion by myself was to find Statten Island......I ended up in the Bronx and spent the day at the zoo! So much for finding my way around! lol

We spent the next 2 years, living in New York during three seasons of the year and still spending most of winter in Daytona after the holiday seasons where over, I flew home to Chicago a lot during that time, my homesickness was more and more prevalent. I had made a lot of friends in New York, but most of my friends were working during the day and there is only so much shopping and lunching with Danny's family members a girl could do. Spending time with Oma was out of the question! lol

My best friend from Chicago even came out to spend a few months in New York with me, Danny offered to fly her out but she was a wanderlust person like me and she said she rather drive and take in the sites. It wasn't until she arrived that I realized how lonely I had become living in seclusion in New York. I missed my family, my friends, my comfort zone.  Danny did everything right, he wasn't to blame for anything, but I found myself wanting to spend more and more time back home in Chicago during my flights back home and he was becoming more and more angry with my need to do that.

On my many trips back home we would spend more and more time fighting on the phone, he always wanted me back immediately and I always wanted to extend my stay. He even accused me of having someone here in Chicago that apparently I couldn't tear myself away from. He knew it wasn't true but he was frustrated with my wanting to be in Chicago instead of there in NY with him.

When the time came for my girl friend to leave and go back home, I decided to go with her, I even brought my dog back to Chicago this trip. We had a blast during our drive home, I was always happiest on my way back home. We got clocked in Ohio doing 100 miles an hour, the trooper of course let us off with a warning and warned us that if we were to get pulled over again anywhere in Ohio, this warning would come up and we would be ticketed. We just laughed and promised to slow down.

I was a few months away from turning 21 on this trip home and when Danny finally said during one of our many heated telephone conversations to come home, I quietly said, "I am home" and hung up the phone. The phone rang and rang all night, but it went unanswered, I needed some time to think and I felt he needed some time to think too. more time!

Love....the series part 7

For those that have just found this series you can start at the very beginning

We left the morning after Christmas, quietly exiting before any one else had awaken. It was a long drive from New York to Florida and we took turns while we drove straight through.

I had never seen the ocean before or palm trees for that matter and I was totally in love with Daytona Beach, beach side. Danny had pre-rented a condo down there but we decided to spend our first night in Daytona sleeping at the beach (as long as the beach patrol didn't come along) lol. We built a big bonfire and met some other hopeful beach dwellers from Texas and settled down for the night, it was so peaceful falling asleep and awakening to the sound of the surf.

The next day we found the condo without any problems, but my poor puppy wasn't handling the sand fleas to well, he basically whined most of the night so I knew he would need a flea dip immediately. While Danny unloaded our belongings I found the closest dog groomer and stocked up on flea repellents. I wasn't prepared for the amount of bugs down in Florida! They have what I refer to as flying armored tanks, palmetto bugs! they were everywhere and when they flew into you, you felt it!

We spent the winter exploring Daytona and other parts of Florida, Danny had taken me to this place called Juniper Springs, it was a natural hot springs park, where you could float around while being pampered by thousands of hot bubbles gently massaged your body, I loved it! Danny raced a lot of motor cross races and was good enough to turn professional, but it was more of a hobby to him then anything, I never knew I would inhale so many fumes and eat so much dirt like I did at weekends at the tracks. We went to Disney World in Orlando and I also experienced my first NASCAR race, The Daytona 500...I was bored out of my mind! It was nice to have a few months to do nothing but lay around the beach with Danny, I loved the boardwalk at night and the Ferris Wheel that would take you up over the ocean, it was soooo beautiful at night.

Danny decided it would be best if we returned to New York before Bike Week and Spring Break, so we left the beaches of Daytona for the drive back up north the first week of March. He decided to stay put in New York for a while and bought us a small house near his family. He drove into Newark New Jersey everyday because his company had won the bid to put in the cable equipment there.

By May I was so homesick Danny sent me back home for a month. I am a Momma's girl, I can't help it! The first time I got sick, poor Danny didn't know what to do for me, I whined and complained and whined some more and he tried to comfort me, but when I'm sick I still want my Momma. Who else knows to get me ginger ale when I'm not feeling good, he brought me 7up! Poor Danny.....he probably was more than happy to send me home for a month! lol

I was sooooo happy to see the Sears Tower when my plane came into view of Chicago. My friends had met me at Midway Air Port with my 5 suitcases....did I mention I'm the over pack queen??? lol
I was only staying for a month and I still had my old bedroom full of my clothes and things that I had left behind when I flew out of Chicago. My Mother and I both cried when I walked in the front door. I ended up staying 2 month in Chicago............Danny was not pleased!


Friday, November 5, 2004

love....series.... part 6

For those that have just found this series you can start at the very beginning

Everything that happened after that was a blur, I remember grabbing her hand from my face, Danny grabbed me and took me off in one direction, His Brother took Oma off in another. Oh! I was livid! Danny decided is was better to get me out of the house completely so we went for a drive up into the Catskill Mountains.

He kept apologizing over and over, That his Grandma was very protective over her only child's and his children, she didn't mean it. I'm thinking, "Didn't mean it????" She not only insulted me she put her hands on me! She's lucky I didn't knock her on her keister!
He explained that his Mother is Irish and that his Grandma and his Mother were constantly at each other's throats and that his Mother left because his Father wouldn't put a stop to his own Mother's tirades. I'm thinking, "What? No one is aware this woman has a serious alcohol addiction?" I brought that up to Danny and he said, " She's 79 years old, what.... I'm supposed to put her through AA?" He said, "Give her another chance and she will see what I see in you, please do this for me." Oh! I'll give her another chance all right but not to slap my other cheek! lol

I got my revenge a little later in the evening! Danny's family home was set up as a two story Colonial, with the formal living room wing on one side of the huge house and the family room wing on the other side of the house and the only bathroom on the first floor was actually a powder room located under the staircase leading to the upstairs. Oma continued to sip out of her juice glass and glare at me every chance she got, I met her every stare with my own steel blue eyes, there would be no surrender on my part! This Irish girl was up for it! I also wanted to teach her a lesson on you get what you give in life.

Oma at one point during the conversation in the family room left to use the powder room, I waited a few minutes before I told Danny I wanted to unpack a few of my things before turning in for the night. As I walked past the powder room I saw that the light switch was on the outside of the door.......with a smile on my face I asked her if she was "OK" through the closed door and shesaid "I'm fine!" and I quietly flicked off the light and went to my room for the night. You might think that was mild, but as I found out the next morning Oma had spent a considerable time in that powder room fumbling for the door, in the dark, vodka impaired and no one heard her calling for quite sometime! Oh MY BAD! Needless to say as I sat across the breakfast table from her that morning it was with a Cheshire cat grin across my face! lol She didn't mess with me again......What? You expected me to hit her?? lol

During the Thanksgiving holiday I met the rest of Danny's family and I loved his Mother instantly! We were cut from the same cloth so to speak. We went shopping together in New York City, we lunched together, I told her about Omas' treatment of me, she just laughed and said there was many times she wanted to just push that old woman down the staircase and blame it on the Vodka! lol

Danny loved showing me around the town he grew up in and I met all his friends, we hung out a lot in a college town called New Paltz where they had a lot of clubs and live entertainment, and this was the beginning of the big hair bands in the early 80's. We went to the lodge that was used for the movie "Dirty Dancing" it was so beautiful there, it is still one of my favorite places, we went rock climbing there a lot. I soooo miss the Catskills.

The Christmas holiday there in New York was hard for me, it was the my first Christmas away from my 'large' extended Irish family and I was beginning to get home sick. We were to leave for Daytona Beach the day after Christmas........Just Danny and I and our dog Ebony.

Uh huh.........continued lol

Love the series (part 5)

Danny took me to his Father's house where I was introduced to his Father, his two brothers and his paternal Grandmother "Oma" She still spoke with a very thick German accent, her welcome didn't radiate as much warmth as everyone else's and at first I didn't understand why.

Oma didn't live there with them but wanted to be there when Danny brought this girl from Chicago home. She also sipped Vodka out of an old juice cup that was sold promotionally with jelly or jam in it first. She called it "water" Little did she know I was partially raised by an alcoholic father, and I say partially because he wasn't around much and when he was it was a 50-50 chance of him being sober. She didn't like me and because of that I didn't care for her much either, I found out why a little later in the evening.

This was a house that was used to just having males around, but Oma had no problem taking over the house when she was there, it was her sons house after all, Danny's Mother relinquished her rights to it when she left out on her own. I also found out the reason for that later on in the evening.

Dinner went by quickly with all the getting to know you chatter that was expected, how did we meet, I was asked about my family, my education, how was my flight, the whole time Oma kept sipping from her juice glass. I liked Danny's father immediately even though he was a little quirky, I like his brother who was closest to him in age, who was my age to be exact, I found his little brother to be somewhat annoying only to be compounded by his need to chew with his mouth open (sorry pet peeve of mine) and his rudeness in constantly interrupting everybody. But I cut him some slack he was only 12.

I thought the evening was going well until it was time for Oma to serve dessert, using the manners I was taught as a child I offered to help her serve dessert, clear the dishes and wash the dishes, she refused and was off to the kitchen to get the dessert and after dinner coffee ready. Danny held my hand on and off through this getting to know you dinner, he was always there with a quick smile and an I love you when needed.

Enter Oma with the coffee urn, dessert tray and her ever refilled, ever present juice glass of vodka. The dessert was passed around the table, and coffee was being pored when Oma asked if I needed cream for my coffee, I said yes in which she proceeded to slam a pint of half and half down in front of me as she partly hissed partly slurred,"Here is your damn Irish China" and before I could speak she grabbed my face and said,"He (meaning Danny) could of got a much prettier girl who's German!"

All I could think of was LET ME AT HER! I'LL SHOW HER  DAMN IRISH CHINA! so much for my manners huh?

Yes continued again! lol..........................

Thursday, November 4, 2004

a continuation......

OK! OK! I'll add another entry for those that are requesting more! more! lol

I hid my packed suitcases in the back of my closet and decided tomorrow would be a better day to tell my Mother of my new plans. This was not going to be easy for her, I was the baby in the family and the first one to leave the nest, not only was I moving out, I was moving 1000 miles away. She is also a product of the 1940s and 1950s and was against couples living together and not being married. I found that kind of strange since she also lived in the 1960s, the era of free love, but my mother was married at 19, had her first child at 21 and gave birth 2 more times by the age of 24. So in the 1960s she was too busy with her children, her overseas husband (Military) and trying to make ends meet to be a part of the free love era.  But I'm sure she didn't want me married at 18 either.

I decided to tell my Mother over breakfast in a public place, it's not because I thought she would cause a scene, that's not my Mother's style, but for some strange reason that sounded a much more mature way for me to break the news to her. She already knew I had something to discuss with her, but I don't think she was prepared what I was about to tell her, even though she knew she was dealing with the unpredictable child out of her brood.

I could tell by the look on her face that she was no where near ready to give up her baby, but she also knew me better than I knew myself. These were her exact words," This is not something I want you to do, you are only 18 and New York is very far away. I trust Danny completely with your care, I know that if I tell you no, you will go anyway and you'll go away angry, that's not how I want you to leave. I just want you to know that I love you and you can always come back home if you need to." I said," I love you too Mom and thank you!"

I can't remember my brother and sisters' reaction to my moving out, I'm sure they were happy to get rid of their mouthy little sister. My Mother drove me to the air port the next morning, I didn't even think about how much this must have been hurting her, I was 18 and it never even crossed my mind. Now that I'm a parent of four, I can't even imagine watching one of my children board a plane to start a life that far away from me at only 18.

I flew into Laguardia Air Port and New York Citywas everything I thought it to be. I remember circling the Statue of Liberty, being face to face with her was amazing! Danny was there to meet my plane, and hugged the oxygen right out of my lungs! Oh how very grown up I felt that day. His family's house was about and hour and half ride upstate and it was then that I started to panic, I never thought about what his family thought of this new arrangement. Were they going to like me? Were they going to approve of me? I was the first serious girlfriend Danny brought home since moving out on his own a few years earlier.

His parents had split up but not divorced, his Father lived in the family house with his 2 younger brothers, his Mother had her own place a few towns over, his older sister was already married and lived a few towns over in another direction with her husband. Where was I going to fit in with this family? What would they think about having a house guest for the holidays who was a total stranger? Not everybody was happy to meet

Yup! You guessed it...... continued

A Continuation

Danny is just what I needed at that time in my life, he didn't use drugs and he only occasionally drank beer. He was more into getting his sub contracting business off the ground for cable television, this was around the time cable TV became huge. His other passion was motor cross bikes he competed regularly.

Russell and I became just friends, he accepted that role in my life because he knew there wasn't anything else to do, he saw how I felt about Danny, he knew I was falling in love with Danny and there wasn't anything he or I could do to stop that from happening.

July, August, September and October came and went by so fast
and Danny and I were inseparable. I even began going to work with him driving the bucket truck he used to attach the equipment he built for the telephone poles. A few times, I almost decapitated him by forgetting to lower the bucket before driving off to the next pole. Oops!

November grew cold in Chicago and Danny started talking about having to leave soon, he hated winter and he already knew Chicago winters were brutal. We had become lovers and best friends and I didn't know how this was going to end. He was going back home to New York for the Thanksgiving holidays and stay until the Christmas holiday was over then he was planning on spending the rest of the winter on the beaches of Daytona. We talked about me coming to see him while he was in Daytona. I think I heard my heart breaking at that moment. How could I be away from him that long, 6 weeks seemed like an eternity to an 18 year old woman child, he sensed my heartbreak and bought me a cocker spaniel puppy to remind me of him and keep me from being so lonely after he left. The puppy was mostly black with a few blonde markings, so I named him Ebony.

The day Danny left for New York was filled with words of love, kisses through tears, and just about the longest good bye in history. He had a long drive ahead of him and I wasn't making it any easier to leave me. When he finally pulled out of the driveway I was breaking into a million pieces along with my heart.

He has promised to call me as soon as he got back to his Father's house in upstate New York. I cried on and off the rest of the afternoon, (again my poor Mother) I couldn't eat and when I finally was exhausted from crying all day I went to sleep with the phone next to my pillow so I wouldn't miss his phone call in the middle of the night.

I must have cried sometime in the night in my sleep because when the phone finally rang, my face and pillow was still damp with tears. There was a long silence on the other end of the phone and then finally I heard him say,"Good Morning Sunshine!" That's when I lost it, I started sobbing again, both of us were telling each other how much we missed each other already and how much we loved one another. I then said," How could you leave me for so long?" which he promptly said, "I can't" I said but you "Did" and then my world stopped for a minute when he said, "Pack up your things and go to Midway Airport, there is a ticket for you to join me here in New York, I need you here with me."

I was packed in less than an how was I going to tell my Mother that her baby girl at 18 is not only moving out but moving to the east coast!.............continued tomorrow   Ü

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

A Continuation

I left off yesterday after introducing Joey H. and his psychotic Mother who at 16 I thought I wanted to be married too! Silly Silly me! I then came to my senses and went back to dating my High School sweetheart Vito on and off until graduation. I promised yesterday I would tell you about another important love in my life and his name is Danny K.

It was the summer after I finished High School and the same summer that I saw my now Husband Jim and fell in love at first sight. But as I mentioned in an earlier entry (way earlier) that this was not our time to be (gotta love destiny!), for at the time I saw him I was also informed he was married, I for one...don't mess with married men because of my Father's own infidelities and Jim wasn't the kind of man to cheat on his wife. I still swore to my best friend at the time, "I'm going to marry that man someday!" But I definitely was not going to be the one who broke up the marriage....It eventually self destructed on its own later.........Now on to meeting Danny.

I was at a keg party in the town I went to High School, I had just chopped of all my hair and was sporting a new, very short version of the old shag haircut.........Hey it was 1981! lol.....picture a Rod Stewart kinda hair do.... that will help! lol

I originally went to this party to get to know another man a little better that I had been introduced to a few days earlier.  Russell and I were talking, he was a nice guy but the sparks weren't flying on my part. My girlfriend who had introduced me to Russell had interrupted our conversation and I excused myself and went with her. She was all excited about 3 very "really cute" men in the kitchen, no here is were I spill a secret of the "Secret Girls Club" When ever we want to get someone's attention we make up an excuse to parade past them, one reason is to get a better look ourselves and the other reason is to give them a better look at us! lol...........Do you remember doing that too?? lol We pulled the "2 girls in the bathroom trick" since we had to go through the kitchen to get there! lol lol many tricks of the trade! lol

Walking on our way to the kitchen I got to look at them, on the way out of the kitchen I got to see who was looking at me! (another trade attention boys!) On my way out of the kitchen Danny's eyes and mine locked....he smiled....I over! He followed me out to the yard and introduced himself..... I was 18 he was 23. We talked all night under the glare of Russell and Danny must have picked up on it because he had thought all those dirty looks must have meant Russell was my older brother, so while I was looking for my friends to say good night, Danny made his was over to Russell to ask him if it was ok to take me (who he thought was his sister) home. I walked up at that very minute to hear Russell spew "She's not my sister, I thought she was my date!" I had to quickly disarm the situation, so I pulled Russell to the side and informed him politely, that I was not his date, that I had come to the party to get to know him better and I did and that if he wanted to he could call me and we could go out sometime.

I spent that summer dating the both of them......which wasn't hard to do.....Danny was temporarily working here in Chicago and would eventually return to New York and he rented a house just a few blocks away from Russell's house........Since I didn't even know my own intentions I spent time with both of them.

Continued tomorrow......Ü

Tuesday, November 2, 2004

Everything brought me to you

I have written many times about My True Love, My Husband Jim and how I felt that every other love in my life has taken my hand for that particular time in my life to bring me forth to meet my truest love. I thought it might be nice to write about other great and not so great loves in my life. I'll skip the Puppy Love my first love Sammy L. Which by the way said he would call me, write me and visit me on his bike every chance he could when I moved away, he did neither and broke my heart when I was just 10! lol (Do I sound a lil bitter still???LOL) And I already wrote about my High School Sweetheart Vito P.  His mother was the one who would chase me around with Holy Water. ( Good thing that didn't give me a complex either! lol)

I think growing up "I was the girl your Mother always warned you about!" (No shame in admitting that though.....really no shame! lol)
It's not that I was fast or loose I was just wild and maybe that little glint just slightly hidden in my eyes, which my Son has inherited let them see something in me that spelled trouble!" lol You know what I'm talking about, you've seen it in someone yourself! lol I was the girl everyone's parents were glad to meet, but didn't want for a daughter! they admired my spark and I was often told don't change a thing! lol

During a break up with Vito after my Sophomore year(summer time) I started dating a bad boy, he was the lead guitar in a rock and roll basement band, I had just lost my father and I was about to loose myself and my virginity. This is when I went from just a pot smoking kid to one who was up for anything. I quickly numbed myself with drugs and alcohol and forgot briefly about Vito, who should have been, by all rights have been my first lover.

Joey. H was a bad boy, he lived in a not so nice house in the not so nice part of town, he had one brother who was trying to get away from it all, one brother who was in Jail, a sister who didn't speak to either parent anymore and then there was Joey the only child still living at home. His Mother was purely wicked! She hated me at the get go, and only tried to hide it when Joey was around, But hey I'm a loud Irish girl who let her get away with nothing! Just to spite her we got engaged, I was 16 he was 17 (sound of music piped in lol) My Poor Mother! Here is her baby, engaged to a rock and roll guitar player completely out of control and she didn't even know that half of it.

The relationship ended quickly and badly with a scare of a false pregnancy test, a positive drug test and his Mother calling and threatening to come over and cut that ring off my *&%$&%^$& finger, little did she know I got my Moxy from my Mother who had just happened to pick up the other extension while this woman was spewing her threats and my mother said, "Go ahead and try it!" His Mother quickly hung up on me and I never heard from her again.

I started seeing Vito again who was none to pleased about my brief engagement and Joey was forgotten for the rest of the summer, when I did finally see Joey the following year in school, I tried to give him back the ring and he told me to keep it, he didn't want to be reminded of what he lost.....who knows maybe that one "line" made it into a rock and roll love song and he's rich and famous by now, because of that one broken heart, and a broken but brief engagement he suffered along time ago.

You've met Sammy, Vito and now Joey.........visit tomorrow and you'll meet I said my Poor Mother! lol And God and his infinite wisdom and great sense of humor gave me 3, count em, 3 daughters.......oh vey! lol.........Karma please be gentle with me!

Monday, November 1, 2004

Utopia or Bust!

Oh How I hate the approach of winter! I find I only like snow in pictures, leave it to me the girl who suffers from wanderlust to fall in love with a man from Chicago. My husband was born and raised here and has no fantasies of leaving either unless its to go up north, far northern regions of Wisconsin. I shiver in my blue fuzzy slippers just thinking about it!

I am still looking for Mother Natures Utopia......Not to hot, not to cold, someplace where the earth doesn't shake and the hurricane wind doesn't blow and I can't feel the reach of old man winter. If I could live in springtime weather all year round I would be very content. I live for warm breezy days and nights!

Chicago has such extreme weather conditions all year long. In the summer you are suffering from heat index and high humidity and in the winter you deal with bone chilling wind chill factors, I think the motto of this city should be changed to, "Don't like the weather? stick around it will change!"

My husband and I dated over four years before we married and not once did we discuss what or where he would like to be when he retires, I find that so strange since we talk about everything. So once in a conversation shortly after we were married, he brought up the subject of moving to Northern Wisconsin and owning his own resort. I........ in a blind panic...... immediately thought of the old television show "Green Acres" I thought to myself, "Oh Oliver.... What is wrong with this picture?" Now don't get me wrong I love visiting Wisconsin on one of our family vacations year after year but the thought of living up there scares the hell outta me! They have bears! Did I mention my aversion to bears?

I'm not sure where we are going to end up when he retires which he should be able to do at 47 (nice huh?) I'm still waiting to discover Utopia! Are kids allowed in Utopia? lol We always tease the children and tell them we are buying one of those huge travel trailers and just when they get a hit on our location, we will pick up stakes and take off leaving a trail of dust behind us until they find us again! lol
Such dreamers!