Happy Birthday Melissa!

I have chemo again tomorrow, (3 weeks on 1 week off) I have a feeling they will be changing the chemo again, I'm starting to get those little blue bruises again, like when was running low of potassium. Being tired is the weirdest feeling in the world! I can sleep 24 hours straight and still feel like I just missed the missed the bed! lol When I first found out I had breast cancer, I thought ok, I'll have  it for a little while then when I am done, I done with it. You're aren't even sure how you feel about the cancer, they told me I would have 8 weeks of chemotherapy and 2 years of physical hormone replacement, I STILL don't know what exactly went wrong where but something sure didn't work out in my best interest......there are days I loaf of bread confuses me! lol

We all have our childhood issues and with my Brother he was always told he was never going amount to anything, he was no good..so My Father told him like his Father before him...My Brother's intelligence would be questioned,my Sisters's weight would always get asked even though she really wasn't overweight and you could never get away with calling me stupid! Well........I get pretty stupid now, Like a said a loaf of bread confuses me and I wish to God it was a joke! Who knew Chemo was so life altering huh?? lol

One of my buddies is in the mattress business and I am so impatient instead of waiting a few extra days I ran out and bought one by myself......instead of waiting for Jim....a queen didn't even fit in the back of suburban...I called my Brother and he saved me...(pick-up truck)....sorry BOB! Thought it was going to be a quick hop, skip and a jump and I'm in my new bed! lol Now I'm looking for a small student desk for Lil Jimmy's old room..... I have my lap top now and I am slowly getting used to it........just to keep all my paperwork on.

I never was a great house cleaner but I do want to at least look like I am putting the house in some kind of order.....don't worry I'm not going anywhere,,,,, Bob owes me lunch...they just refinished remodeling the restaurant so don't worry Bob there is still a chance you'll get to buy me lunch! lol lol lol

So what did I learn this weekend? Queen beds don't fit in suburban's, you can still call your brother to move a mattress, Bob still wants Mongolian BBQ and a lap top is not any faster than a PC!

To my friends and family that are giving me my space right now I really appreciate it, I'm not sure where my body is going with this cancer thing but it's definitely working it's way through the rest of me, I don't know how much chemo I am going to end up having, I never know how much illness I am going to have with it either, I just know it sure sucks right now to be me!

No chemo Tuesday...just TMT

Today was no chemo Tuesday, just had some blood work ( tumor marker test) so they will have the results for my appointment next Tuesday.... this is when the new chemo I'm trying usually stops working for me, the visible tumor on the outside of my left breast is no longer flat against my skin and is a very angry red in color......I don't think that's a very good sign....I think Dr. Serious will probably order another new thoracic cat scan and I need to do my six month follow up pelvic exam too.  Life sure is different for me than in was 16 months ago. Sometimes I feel like a life size voodoo doll! lol lol lol

My Son Lil Jimmy's hamster passed away 3 days ago and it devastated him, I think he was finally able to put that kind of painful loss to what my cancer can do now....he begged me don't ever give up Mom...........I love you and I will really miss you! That was kinda sweet to be missed more than a deceased, beloved hamster. Like I have said before death is only painful for those that are left behind. I don't think I could bare losing Jim or survive the broken heart of losing ones child. It was breaking my heart to see  him so broken hearted so we now have a new hamptster named "Carson" Lil Jimmys smile is back on his face and that puts the smile back on this Momma's face!

Life and death.... a cycle that is as old as time and still just as painful. I am at peace with whatever life or death has in store for me.....it's knowing the heartbreak my loved ones will go through is what brings tears to roll down my face instantly. That is when all this seems so unfair.....I'm the one that gets cancer and they are the ones who get punished for it.

Do I believe that we all meet up again somewhere? Yes I do whether its called heaven, another realm, hell for some or maybe just somewhere over the rainbow, but I believe that when two hearts love each other so much, they are destined to find one another again and that's also the reason I believe in love at first sight.....those two hearts were together already before....I'm not a very religious person, but I know the power of true, ever lasting love..otherwise how do we survive our children's teenage years without killing them! lol lol lol

Judith Heartsong artsy essay

kmh 2007 

A perfect day for me is to actually forget that I am not well, it is to feel the warmth of the sun on my face as it sets for the day. I sit patiently in one of the colorful Adirondack chairs, today I chose the bright yellow one to  perch myself in. Book still in hand open but no words have been read,  I sit along the shore line waiting my Fisherman Husband to return to me after spending the day on the water teaching his son what his Father has taught him...the art of fishing.....they Fished for Walleyes, Northern Pikes and Large mouth bass.

It is their routine to go before dawn, grab a quick breakfast in hand and not return to the cabin until the sun starts to set. The sky so golden with the low mist rolling in from the lake....My Son spy's me waiting for him at the shoreline and is eagerly awaiting to show me what the lake has given him this day, he starts to wave his lantern from the boat to let me know of his arrival....it is now dusk, the most mystical time of the day. I raise my camera and take one last picture for the day and it's magical! All is right in my world for a moment....I hear the loons calling to one another off in the distance...the bull frogs searching for new mates even if it's just for the night. I am blessed that I can spend a few more tomorrows waiting for the eagles to fly high over my head, the boy to grow into a fine young man and if I'm lucky.... a cure for Breast Cancer. 

 

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little black boots

lil jimmy 2007

Once I get my energy and my balance back........... look out world! I miss dancing........ me and a few of my best girlfriends have been known to do a lil pole dancing from time to time. I also found a cute lil pair of shorter black boots in the kids section that were cut chunky, kinda like little biker boots in a size 4.5 Wide and they fit so I bought them too! Just tooooo cute with my cammo capris! Those jeans I have on on the picture are the size 6 skinny jeans from Old Navy......I either gain 5 lbs or try on size 4 the 6's are already baggy. Somewhere along the way I lost my booty, and I had lots of junk in my trunk.....I want some of my curves back.............. I am a woman after all!!! lol lol lol

Jim knows I've had a couple of good weeks, I'm out having dinner with him more often and I'm shopping again! lol lol lol

Life is good and I am blessed.....now I'm gonna need a few new winter coats! lol Thank you for this day, it's just what the Doctor ordered!

Tags: Even after Breast cancer, man I feel like a woman! lol

Hairspray? Check! Spackle? Check! Fun? Check! lol

I clean up good when I have too! lol! Amazing what a goldilocks wig and a half tub of spackle can do for a woman going through Cancer and chemo! lol lol lol

I promise next time to get a picture of the new boots....oops and they aren't thigh high they only go up to just below my knee, but hey! When your only 5 foot most everything goes up to your thigh lmaoooo!

My Birthday Boy Brother and his Wife Laurie

Diva for a day! lol

Wooo Hooooo! A whole week of no falling down and going BOOM! I guess I will be on the low dose steroids for awhile, and that is ok, because it gave me back my appetite, my body and what's left of my mind, and I'm much stronger for it!  Since my hair is growing back ever so slowly. I bought a sleeker goldilocks. Yesterday was My Brother Michael's 49th birthday, so about 12 of us went out to a wonderful cajun restaurant and did it feel good, to put on make up, I bought some skinny jeans! not since high school have I put on skinny jeans...... levi 501straight leg!

Bought the skinny jeans from Old Navy..... size 6 junior!!!!! So what if I don't have any hair! I'm wearing junior size clothes! LMAOOOOO. I had a on my NEW thigh high black suede boots.. (bought Friday afternoon!) lol...normally I run around town the bald headed circus freak with one head light showing and what appears to be a small crop circle in the back center portion of my skull, and big hoop earrings of course! lol

My Brother Mike, My Sister Kelly, My Momma and Me! lol

Me & my Guy

My sis & BIL (Steve)