Sunday, December 31, 2006

Heard it in a love song........ours!

Our bedroom usually ends up being the community bedroom, even before I got sick.....when our kids were little, Saturday and Sunday mornings were spent with Jim and I and our four kids plus the dogs laying all over our bed in various positions and's only a queen sized bed! I miss those moments now that two of my girls are all grown up and my 15 year old daughter is now deep into the role of a 15 year old girl filled with only our 14 year old son comes into our room from time to time at night and watches TV with us.

The other night and I can't remember for the life of me what the conversation was about or how it started....I think it had something to do with my 14 year old Son teasing Jim about becoming an old man because Jim's 48th birthday was coming up. And I had said that Daddy was born for me, because God knew that I was going to need a good man in my life especially during this part of it and this is when Jim turned to me and said, "No, you were born for me because I was here first and waited for you!" and I don't know why that filled my heart with more love.....maybe because being a woman who loves love so much, and it was so nice to know that Jim felt the same way I do about us and that he knew "we" were supposed to happen.

So it's on this day New Years Eve of 2006 that I am forever grateful that my Jim was born on December 31, 1958 who grew up to be a great man, who waited patiently to find me and then promised me forever....being with Jim all these years and all the years still to come.......I truly, could not ask for more.

Happy Birthday Baby! How appropriate that we woke up this morning to the sound of rain ......"our song"

"I could not ask for more"
by Edwin McCain

Lying here with you
Listenin' to the rain
Smilin' just to see
The smile upon your face

These are the moments
I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

Looking in your eyes
Seein' all I need
Everything you are
Is everything in me

These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
Theseare the moments
I know all I need is this
I've found all I've waited for, yeah
And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this time together
Could not ask for more than this time with you
And every prayer has been answered,
Every dream I've had's come true.
Yeah, right here in this moment,
Is right where I'm meant to be,
Here with you, Here with me ... yeah yeah

These are the moments
I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments
I remember all my life
I found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this time together
Could not ask for more than this time with you
And every prayer has been answered,
Every dream I've had's come true.
Yeah, right here in this moment,
Is right where I'm meant to be,
Oh Here with you, Here with me.
No I could not ask for more than this love you gave me,
Cause it's all I've waited for,
And I could not ask for more.
No, yeah yeah yeah
No I could not ask for more

Thursday, December 28, 2006

A New Year.....A new beginning

At least with the holiday season I was able to see family that I hadn't seen since last Christmas and I had a couple of days since starting chemo in late September I had a reason to paint my face, don on my goldy locks do (wig) and put on a pair of high hees...felt good, felt normal......which reminds me of a new favorite quote by Naomi Judd....."The only normal is a cycle on a washing machine!" Isn't that the truth....I don't think anything ever returns to normal, because everything changes....including all things normal.

Next Tuesday will be my final chemo treatment.....I hope I never have to say those words again, I think I should be given a "Get out of cancer free card" to carry around with me the rest of my very long, but healthy life...What would be even better is if someday soon, like all the yesterdays that have passed....we could say cancer and cure without having to add find to the same sentence.....I now understand why people stop treatment (when terminal) and just want to enjoy the few days they have left......... there is a lot of humility that is learned when one experiences chemo.

At least when I look back on the year of 2006, I can balance it with this also being the year that our oldest Daughter Melissa married her Tony (wedding and cancer diagnosis in the same month Oy Vey! lol) and was the beginning of their happily ever after......feels so good to have that as a counter balance to cancer.......maybe this time next year I'll have a grand baby??? hint! hint! hint!

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Where my head is at today......

After 5 months of running on raw energy to first have the cancerous tumors and my left breast removed and then 16 weeks of chemo treatments almost coming to an end.....I am emotionally and physically drained..I have spent the last week completely devoid of's like my spunk, my fight, my spirit has flat lined..and since this is all new to me, I am at a lost on how to get past it or find it again. Christmas Eve was spent "faking" it for my family's sake and Christmas Day was slept away.......I wish I could sleep away the next few weeks....then maybe when I awake....I'll find my strength again.....all aspects of it..... maybe I'll find me again.

I am hoping that when this year officially ends, so will this funk I am in........."New" Year has a "New" meaning to me.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Good days...Bad Days...I've had my share!

Well, as good as I felt and looked Saturday for the two parties we went to I have been paying for it since then. Yesterday I had just enough energy to go out to breakfast with Jim then it was back in my jammies and back to bed, which was kind of nice.....spent the entire day in bed with Jim watching football.....and did I mention that my BEARS won again, in an exciting overtime moment?!?!? lol I love the back and forth of sudden death in overtime.

I'm still having trouble with my legs today ( I want to go go go, but they don't want to) but I think that could be from wearing my high heeled boots all day Saturday (10 hours) It's been a very long time since I had on heels (since July) But I keep telling myself a lil while longer and I can put all this behind me and by summer I should have all my old energy back, and my hair (loosing eye brows and eye lashes now) and I can wear all the high heeled shoes I want to! lol

I have found that dealing with cancer is a lot like childbirth the first time.....your scared, you don't know what to expect, it's more painful than you thought, but in the end it's a new life, metaphorically speaking of course. Having Jim and the kids makes it so worth the effort, I'm not ready to say my goodbye's just yet. When your baby, our 14 year old Son; who is trying to be more of a man than the lil boy that I knew, lays his head in your lap and says more to himself than you "I just don't know what I would do without you Mom" how can I not fight like hell to make sure that doesn't happen for a very long time?

Out of all this I only had one dark day, and that is when I was unable to walk and found myself crawling to the bathroom and unable to pull myself back up onto my bed.....I was mad as hell and refused Jim's was at that moment that I finally broke down, and said, " I Give up, it wins! I can't do this anymore, I don't want to do this anymore, I can't take this anymore!" as I collapsed on the floor and cried my eyes out, breath holding sobs racked my body as Jim took me in his arms and rocked me. After my crying slowed down enough for him to be able to quietly speak to me, he whispered into my ear, "You are the meanest, toughest woman that I have ever met and you're  gonna let cancer beat you?" I know those aren't words of love to many, but those are exactly the words that I needed to hear, he reminded me who I was and what I was made of and that is just what I needed to get my Irish temper up and get pissed off enough again to finish what I started.....kickin' cancers ass!

So here I sit today with my 7th treatment tomorrow and only one more to go after that........better days are coming, they are coming and I will be ready to enjoy every single one of them!

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Amazing what a lil spackle, a wig and some make up can do! lol

All dressed up and finally someplace to go! lol It's days like these when I feel good and don't look so bad I can forget I'm dealing with cancer......I'm bringing my camera to the Family Christmas Party today and I will get a shot of the infamous.......Gramma Annie who I lovingly refer to as "THE TROLL"

We have another party to go to out at the lake tonight, I just hope that me and the spackle can last that long! lol lol lol

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Friday, December 15, 2006

Christmas Parties, Another "Telling" and an adult content warning! lol

Saturday is my Big Irish (extended) Family Christmas Party, and I can't wait to finally see all of them. Cancer has been very cruel to my family, One of my Aunts and one of my Uncles didn't win their battle and because of that everyone and I mean everyone is devastated that I was diagosed with cancer. For some (Hell most) of them they haven't even been able to see or talk to me. Even though I could of used the support I understand why they all find "seeing me" very difficult. It's all about comfort levels and I will not cross someone else's to appease my own.

So I am hoping that when they do "see" me tomorrow, they will see that I will survive cancer, and maybe they will stop thinking the next time they see me will be at my funeral. First of all I ain't a Funeral kinda girl.......hate them! My first funeral was my Father's and that destroyed me. I still go to funerals but it's not what I want for myself and forget about burying me.....not gonna happen any time soon or even when it is my time to go. Call me crazy but I want to be cremated, mixed with sparklies (lol) and tossed into a few helium balloons and left to wander where ever the four winds take me! lol I've always been one who loves a great adventure and I have suffered from wunderlust my whole life so why not continue with that even after death. My poor Irish Catholic Grandmother would have a fit if she even knew of my intentions after death! lol

It was my wish that My Grandmother not be told about my cancer, she will be 88 years old in February, she is the Matriarch and she has already experienced too much heartbreak in her life. She buried her Husband at the age of 31 and was left to raise her 7 children ( ages 15 and under) on her own and when she could no longer do it, she had no other choice but to have her family split up after they were accepted into Mooseheart. Click on this link to learn more about the "Moose Club" and Mooseheart ~~~> 
Welcome to Mooseheart - The Child City . She buried her first born Son (My Father when he was only 41), she buried her first Born Daughter ( 52,Cancer) and then she Buried her second born Son (55, cancer) That is the hardest thing a Parent will ever have to do....burry one of their children and she has buried 3 out of 7 plus one of her 18 grandchildren, the 31 year old Son of the Uncle I lost to cancer. So I do not want to put that woman through more heartache then she has already seen and I don't want her heart to be heavy with what I am going through.....who knows maybe when I am finished with chemo and I get the "all clear" from the Doctors I might let her know then and she can see for herself that cancer isn't always a death sentence. I come from a long line of strong woman and now you can see where some of it comes from.

It is from her that I also get my very raunchy and wild sense of humor......My fathers whole side of the family "suffers" from it! lol Gramma Annie is the one that I get all the "TELLINGS" from, stories past down from one generation to the next and I come from a wild bunch let me tell you! It has always been with a lively sense of humor that we have survived many challenges and boy am I glad that humor is a big part of my DNA! lol lol lol

Now for another "Telling" WARNING!!!!!! Not for the delicate ears so click out now if you are easily offended. LOL LOL LOL

Now Gramma Annie is the Mother of 7, The Grandmother of 18, The Great Grandmother of 27 and Great Great Granmother to 1 and while at a Family Christmas Party of few years ago....I had a quiet moment with her and I had always wondered but never asked, why she never found anyone else (after my GrandFathers passing, now remember she was only 31 years old!) to spend the rest of her life with. There were never any men around while I was growing up and I do know of a man that she met a few years after my Grandfather died but way before I was even a twinkle in my Fathers eye....She was maybe 35 and dated him for awhile thinking the whole time he was single only to find out that he would no longer be able to see her because he had lied to her and that he was married and his wife was about to be released from (what they referred to back then) the Insane Asylum. But after him there was never anyone I asked her "Gramma after all these years why didn't you ever fall in love again or did you just not want to? Wasn't there ever anyone special? You've been alone for over 50 years? Didn't you want love again?...........and her answer to me (Now mind you I am expecting this love story kind of answer, about loving only one man my Grandfather, and that every man after him paled in his know a story that I could share with the great grandchildren and future generations) and her answer went something like this.........(finale warning adult content)

"Well, Kimmy all my life I was looking for a man with a thick wallet and no dick and all I kept finding were men with thick dicks and no wallets!" Now I about fell outta my chair....this was an 80 something year old woman....all I could mumble after all my chit's and giggles stopped was, well that's another story that can't go down in the family story book but can be shared with the rest of the family when they have reached adulthood themselves! Now me and the rest of my adult siblings and cousins got a kick out of it, but her adult children were not amused!!! lol lol lol

Now are some of us gonna burn in hell? Probably but it will be one hell of a party! lol lol lol

There are other "tellings" somewhere in my archives you are more then welcomed to find and enjoy reading them!

Gramma Annie now suffers from macular degeneration so she will not be able to tell by looking at me that I have been ill.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

And the survey says.............

Part 1: The Birth of You

Were you a planned baby?:
My middle name is........"OOPS!" figure that one out! lol

Were you the first?: I was the 4th out of 5 pregnancies.....But I am the third born (My Mother had a miscarriage before and after me)

Who was present at your birth?: Just my Mom......My Dad was stationed over seas during my birth and I didn't get to meet him until I was 11 months old.

Were your parents married when you were born?:

What is your birthdate? February 12, 1963

Part 2: The Family

Are you parents married or divorced?
Divorced....and my Father is now deceased.

An only child?: Nope....but I remember there were times I wish I was! lol lol lol

If you have siblings are you oldest, middle, or youngest?: The baby! AKA spoiled rotten brat AKA demanding lil shit..hence the screen name! lol lol lol 

What are your sibling's names?: Michael and Kelly (good ole Irish names! lol)

Which parent do you get along with best?: Depends on what age I was.....but I always knew my Mother had my back even when I was going through a very long rebellious stage...(12-20).....if you only knew how bad I really was, you would be asking that my Mother be given Sainthood! lol lol lol

What do you fight about? I stopped fighting with my Mother after I became a parent myself......that's is when I realized she did know more than me! lol lol lol

Do you have step parents?:
No......but my Mother has been dating the same man since I was 13 and I'm 43 now! lol lol lol

Part 3: The Friends

Do you have more than one best friend? Yes

What do you like to do when you are together? Talk, shop, cocktail............laugh!

Do you share the same interests?: Yes...but we are a very diverse group of women.

Which friend can you tell anything to?:
My friend Michelle.

Part 4: Your Personality

How high/low is your self esteem?: I've always had a healthy esteem level.....I had to in order to survive a sometimes extremely difficult childhood.

Do you get depressed about things easily?: No.....Tomorrow is always a new day.

Are you an extrovert (outgoing) or an introvert (reserved)?: Total extrovert......but I am also a very private person.....I will share everything from my past with anyone including total strangers, but keep most of my present time close to my chest.

Are you happy?: Extremely!

Do you live life to the fullest?:
Always's a gift!

Part 5: Appearance

Are you comfortable with the way you look?: As comfortable as a woman can be with fresh scars on her breast and stomach and sporting a bald head! lol lol lol But I am truly loving the new flat tummy!....I'm just UNDER CONSTRUCTION!

Describe your hair? MIA! (Missing In Action......Thanks chemo!) but I think of it as a bad hair's only hair and it will grow back....(please! Oh please be thicker with a few curls!!!! lol)

How do you dress? For the past 10 years I would have say "comfortable" but with my new body..........I'm bringing sexy back! lol lol lol

Part 6: The Past

Were you a strange child?:
I would have to say yes......I always knew who I was and remained truthful to myself........most kids don't learn that until they are 30 something adults.

What did you used to love that you no longer do?
A coupleof old boyfriends......Danny, Vito and Kevin....but each past love held my heart and my hand and made me a better me and that better me was ready to meet and be with my Forever Love, my Jim.

Do you have the same friends?:
I have always had lots a different 'cliques' of friends, I still keep in touch with grade school and on up friends too!

Was there anything in your past that was traumatizing?
Unfortunately yes. 

Part 7: The Future

What is your ambition? To spend more of forever with Jim and our children and I think having cancer has given me another calling......I just not sure on how to start, but I hope at least by sharing my battle with cancer through my journal is a good place to start!

Are you scared of growing old?: It's MY WISH!

Do you want to get married?: I think there is a law about not getting married if you already are married! lol lol lol Plus Jim has this thing/rule about me not dating anymore! Lmaooooo!

Part 8: The Outdoors

Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?:Beautiful weather.....I'm outside! if it's too hot or too cold I'm home bound! lol

Favorite Season: cycle of life begins!

Do you like walking in the rain?:
I LOVE the rain....hey I'm 43 years old and still love to puddle jump! lol lol lol

Part 9: Food

Are you a vegetarian?: No, But I will be changing my diet habits and eating more organic breast cancer was linked to having too much estrogen in my body....most meat and poulty has been treated with growth hormones......I feel there is a link......So I am going more organic.

What is your favorite food?: Japanese then Mexican then Greek then Chinese....I'm an international eater! lol lol lol

What food makes you want to gag? soggy vegetables.......yuck!

What is your favorite dessert?:

What is your favorite restaurant?: Several Japanese restaurants in my area.

Are you a fussy eater?
Yup! but the older I get the more willing I am to at least try new stuff.

Part 10: Relationships and Love

Are you single or taken?: Utterly and completely.........taken! lol

If taken who is the lucky guy/girl?: Jim and I do remind him of that on a daily basis! ;)

Do you think love is the best feeling in the world?: Yes of course......when it's the right love it's better than chocolate and orgasms put together! lol lol lol

Do you believe in love at first sight?:  YES! My whole love story is based on it!

Part 11: Experiences

What was one of your greatest experiences?:
The miracle of childbirth.

What was one of the worst? Burying my Father and loosing a child.

Have you ever done drugs? Can you say................."WILD CHILD?"

Have you ever thought you were going to die?: Yes twice, both during my childhood.....but I didn't think I was going to die when I was told I have cancer....just a feeling of one more thing I have to go through in life (Now busting out in song) I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, not gonna give up, I'm gonna be stronger.....(destiny's child) laaalaaaalaa la!

So now you have learned a lil more about me....if you do this in your own blog send me back a link please!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Pretty in Pink??? lol

Usually the second week following chemo, my blood counts are low, my resistance is low and I am usually battling a low grade fever...with that comes the chills.....brrrr right??? lol so I am usually bundled up in my bed..sweat clothes, socks, slippers, a down quilt plus another blanket......My Jim even went out and bought one of those remote/temperature controlled space heaters...for the really cold days and our room is the coldest room in the house in the winter and the hottest room in the house in the I'm snug as a bug in the rug during this time...then a damn hot flash hits.......I'm new to this! They said most cancer patients going through chemo and female, that 60% of them start menopause immediately.....I am 43, my Mother was through with menopause by Sister is almost finished with menopause, she started at 42 and will be 45 in January.

So when one of these hot flashes hit.....I can't unwrap myself quick enough and the urge to run naked through the streets to the nearest snow bank almost overwhelms me! Now just imagine there you are sitting in your living room and this 40 something year old bald woman (I'd have on earrings of course! lol) with one sagging boob, one rather nice looking perky boob minus a nipple and an areola of course, with a rather large red scar from hip to hip ( but my oh so flat tummy! lol)  comes flying down your street and jumps into the nearest snow bank??? My luck somebody would arrive with a straight jacket and the hot flash would continue! lol lol lol

Hmmmm..... I wonder if they make straight jackets in PINK?? lol lol lol

Monday, December 11, 2006

Death of a rogue cancer cell....

Surgery to remove my left breast along with it's 3+ cancerous tumors took care of removing some of the cancer from my it had to target the cancer cells that were left to run amuck in my body...hence the need for chemo..chemo targets the all the cells....the good, the bad and the ugly! ( Cancer cells are UGGGGLY! LOL)

My doctors had handed me out this information below when I was first given the Taxol (2nd part of my chemo regiment) it answered a lot of my questions......I hope you find it informative too.......I now feel like there is a fierce game of "Space Invaders" going on in my body! lol

As taken from (Scott Hamilton of the Ice Skaters Fame)

Cancerous tumors are characterized by cell division, which is no longer controlled as it is in normal tissue.   "Normal" cells stop dividing when they come into contact with like cells, a mechanism known as contact inhibition.  Cancerous cells lose this ability.  Cancer cells no longer have the normal checks and balances in place that control and limit cell division.  The process of cell division, whether normal or cancerous cells, is through the cell cycle.  The cell cycle goes from the resting phase, through active growing phases, and then to mitosis (division).

The ability of chemotherapy to kill cancer cells depends on its ability to halt cell division.  Usually, the drugs work by damaging the RNA or DNA that tells the cell how to copy itself in division.  If the cells are unable to divide, they die.  The faster the cells are dividing, the more likely it is that chemotherapy will kill the cells, causing the tumor to shrink.  They also induce cell suicide (self-death or apoptosis).

Chemotherapy drugs that affect cells only when they are dividing are called cell-cycle specific.  Chemotherapy drugs that affect cells when they are at rest are called cell-cycle non-specific.  The scheduling of chemotherapy is set based on the type of cells, rate at which they divide, and the time at which a given drug is likely to be effective.  This is why chemotherapy is typically given in cycles.

Chemotherapy is most effective at killing cells that are rapidly dividing.  Unfortunately, chemotherapy does not know the difference between the cancerous cells and the normal cells. The "normal" cells will grow back and be healthy but in the meantime, side effects occur.  The "normal" cells most commonly affected by chemotherapy are the blood cells, the cells in the mouth, stomach and bowel, and the hair follicles; resulting in low blood counts, mouth sores, nausea, diarrhea, and/or hair loss.  Different drugs may affect different parts of the body.

Paclitaxel belongs to a class of chemotherapy drugs called plant alkaloids. Plant alkaloids are made from plants.  The vinca alkaloids are made from the periwinkle plant (catharanthus rosea). The taxanes are made from the bark of the Pacific Yew tree (taxus) (if anyone comes across one of these on the pacific coast can ya give it a great big ole hug from me please??LOL!).  The vinca alkaloids and taxanes are also known as antimicrotubule agents. The podophyllotoxins are derived from the May Apple plant. Camptothecan analogs are derived from the Asian "Happy Tree" (Camptotheca acuminata).  Podophyllotoxins and camptothecan analogs are also known as topoisomerase inhibitors.  The plant alkaloids are cell-cycle specific.  This means they attack the cells during various phases of division.

  • Vinca alkaloids: Vincristine, Vinblastine and Vinorelbine.
  • Taxanes:  Paclitaxel and Docetaxel.
  • Podophyllotoxins:  Etoposide and Tenisopide.
  • Camptothecan analogs: Irinotecan and Topotecan.

Antimicrotubule agents (such as Paclitaxel), inhibit the microtubule structures within the cell.  Microtubules are part of the cell's apparatus for dividing and replicating itself.  Inhibition of these structures ultimately results in cell death.

die cancer cell die! lol lol lol


Today my mind is mush

and after a hot flash

I am just a puddle

so this is menopause?


Teenagers, cancer, chemo and menopause

each it's own challenges

thrown all at once

and I too get overwhelmed


Bed, oh bed my sweet respite

asleep I do not have to deal with it

I do not have to cope

I just slumber another day away


Each day that passes

brings me closer to the end

or my new beginning new beginning

Saturday, December 9, 2006

Easy Street........Ü

I had my 6th chemo treatment this past Tuesday and Dr. Serious did up my pain meds this time around....what a difference a few milligrams make! Besides from making me nap just a lil more, you can't even tell when a pain is flashing through me this time around......VIVA LA PAIN MEDS! lol lol lol If I can make it through my last two chemo's feeling this good I am home free and very thankful!

The weird thing is that when I was doing the 1st 4 parts of treatment (The A/C) I was nauseous but never did get sick to my stomach........on the Taxol I'm not nauseous but I was sick to my stomach 2 times Thursday night and 2 times Friday.....just a quick twist in my stomach and fast hobble to the bathroom and it's over and far so good, see getting sick to my stomach is dangerous for me, even on a normal B.C. day (before cancer) My heart tends to go into A-Fib after I get sick to my stomach when I am battling a migraine....and I have had more than my normal share of migraines since diagnosis.........go figure! lol So every time I do get sick to my stomach Jim has to listen to my heart just to make sure I am not in A-Fib and then off and running to the Heart Hospital for a few days and my odd lil quirks huh?? lol

The bone pain did shift this time though.....last time it was my hips and my thighs.....this time it was my pelvic bone and my rib cage hurt to sneeze, burp, cough, laugh and just breath if I keep the pain under control with a pain med every 6 hours and I am basically pain free this time around....thank you! thank you! thank you! Good Lord I feel so good I am even doing.................GULP! LAUNDRY! must be a side effect! lol lol lol...............MEDIC!!!!!!!!!!

Life is good and I am blessed!

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

For those who have wondered how Jim has handled this....

Later today is my 6th chemo treatment (2nd of the Taxol drug) what I learned from the first Taxol treatment was that even though I have an unusually high pain tolerance I will be asking for something a lil stronger to help with the pain this time! If it was just me at home, I would just work through it (the bone pain is intense at times), but because my children have to witness it from time to time, I can't let that happen again........Did I mention my middle Daughter moved back home over this past weekend?? She will be 21 in February and like me, learns life lessons the hard way and a bunch of young 20 something year olds living all together isn't as much fun as it was when they all first moved in together almost 2 years ago.....another "I told you so" spoken and a welcome home! Well, actually just her things moved back home and she spends almost every night at her Boyfriends place.....Oh, and I am the Grandmother to 2 mutant  (extremely large) white hamsters....Violet and Lily.....funny how they don't get spend the night at her Boyfriends huh?.....Lily decided to tour my home on her own this past Sunday afternoon and evening while the rest of the family watched the Chicago Bears football game at my Sisters....after 5 minutes of returning to my home and my 14 year old Son screaming "Lily is gone" and while I was changing into my Jammies for the night......Lily decided to exit my master bathroom and give me a lil thrill I wasn't ready for!........took almost 10 minutes for my heart rate to go back to normal after that! lol

I have a good number of male readers that have been following my journal from time to time and have wondered how my Husband Jim has been dealing with or handling watching the Woman he promised "forever" to, battle cancer....First let me tell you I fell in love with and married a Man's Man.....very strong, very masculine and one who loves me so much it scared him in the beginning..... He was with me when I was prematurely informed I had very aggressive (cancerous) tumors via my Radiologist (and who I will be forever grateful for the early heads know us Mom's we put everybody else first and without that early heads up) Who knows how long I would of put off going to my Oncologist if he (the radiologist) didn't tell me "Don't wait, do it now!!"

Jim has been my soft place to land and my rock for many years and he meant every vow on our wedding day....he has seen me atmybest and seen me at my worse (even before my cancer diagnosis! lol) and has loved me unconditionally every moment since we first fell in love at first "date" back in 1986......we met in 1981 for the first time  and even though we both belonged to someone else I told my best friend at the time, that I didn't know how and I didn't know when, but I was going to marry that man some day and we finally did after becoming a couple in 1986 and then married in 1990. He had a 3 year old Daughter and I had a newborn Daughter (Melissa and Amanda) when it was finally our time and after we married we added two of our own to that mix (Rachel and Jimmy) and have been living happily ever after until my illness hit in July of this year.

That man has seen me scared and so very ill at times that only my eyes were able to watch him cross a room. He became the "rock" for the rest of my family during my 9 hour surgery and one week stay in the hospital....he watched them get ready to send me home early, learned how to change my bandages and my drains, then watched them try to stabilize me after my heart went into Atrial fibrillation and then moved me to the heart hospital where I had to continue the rest of my week stay at the hospital, he took care of my basic, every day needs while I was in the hospital where I never had to rely on the nursing staff or the "call button." he bathed me, fed me, soothed me, loved me and slept by my side every night, on a not so comfortable lounge chair, he laughed with me, he cried with me and he pushed me when just when I thought I couldn't take anymore......which seems to follow an every other week pattern during chemo! lol! He understood without words, that our intimacy would be challenged and neglected (which I know is hard for any hot blooded man! lol) but both of us know our love has more facets than just physical love anyway. He has seen me fall, crawl and be too sick and weak to cry, he has helped maintain some type of normalcy in our home for our children's sake,  gave up his hunting season, he has gone to the drug store up to 6 times in one day to buy stool softeners, laxatives, suppositories, enemas, finally a prescription phoned in by my Oncologist to just get back home again only to turn around and go back out for sanitary napkins and tampons for his teeange that is love! lol lol lol  Like I said, I married a man's man but one who had no problem walking around the drug store and asking forhelp in locating these items when his wife was home, weak and bed ridden most of the time for the first few weeks following surgery and then 5 days a week following each chemo treatment since then. He has been with me at every Doctor's appointment and every chemo treatment and pushes me through every weak moment since diagnosis.

So this is the Man I fell in love with the very first time I saw him at the young age of 18, and who I knew I was destined to spend forever with and finally did get to start that forever with at the age of 23. Now here I am soon to be 44 (February) him 48, and I have more love and more respect for that Man, who has spent the last 20+ years of his life putting his love for me and his children before his own needs to give us a beautiful life and it is for him that I battle with all my might to beat this terrible disease, just to spend a lil more of forever with him and finish raising our last two babies (14 & 15) and maybe I can be around a lil longer to spoil the hell out of future grandbabies to come.....nothing in life could be sweeter than a longer life with Jim and the following generations....that will be my every Christmas wish, every Birthday wish, every New Years resolution and every falling star wish the rest of my ever long I am meant to be.

Life couldn't get better than this...... only my health can and I'm working on that my friends......I'm working on that! ;)

Monday, December 4, 2006

In my head.......In my heart

You think with being diagnosed with Cancer would make time stand still or go very slowly, but with me it seems like just yesterday, the radiologist who read my mammogram and ultra sound film informed me that my films were given the "suspicious" rating and then he looked into my eyes and added "way beyond" to my "suspicious" and here it is 4 months later already....Doctor appointments, Specialist appointments, a 9 hour surgery, a 6 week recovery from that before my first chemo treatment and now here I am with less than a month to go (3 more chemo's left out of 8) and then the worst is supposed to be over.......then 2 months of additional testing along with recovering and rebuilding my strength back up and then one final surgery....and then life is supposed to return to normal......I don't think life is ever normal again after a serious, life threatening illness.

I for one will always fear that Oncologist check it back? is it worse? Can I find the strength to battle it again? But having Cancer has taught me many other wonderful things.....I now have the ability to see things from a different perspective....I was never one to sweat the small things anyway....surviving a difficult childhood taught me that at a much earlier age, Jim and I losing a child was far more painful and difficult than my battle with cancer and learning to rely on my instinct at the age of 11 to save myself from an abductor who was hell bent on breaking into my childhood home and harming me taught me I was one tough cookie!

I still am unable to pray for myself or pray for a miracle of healing for myself because I KNOW there are others who need those prayers way more than I do........ I save my prayers for them, I'm a survivor and I have such a peace that comes over me and I just let every worry go (most of the time! lol) I know I am loved truly, madly deeply LOVED by my Husband Jim, better than any man could have loved me, I have 4 wonderful, stress inducing children which reminds me that life still goes on and if they are back to misbehaving than life is slowly returning to normal around here! lol I have good friends and extended family that are having a hard time letting me go....if that is the way it is to play out and I have a full heart, I am thankful for everyday ( I was even before Cancer) I am thankful for every tomorrow too! With being cooped up in the house for over a week and usually dreading this time of year because of years and years of battling depression....who can be depressed now, when having every day and having hope of every tomorrow is still in my grasp? Driving home from my Sister Kelly's house last night after watching yet another "Bears" win (heee heee heee!) with a blanket of beautiful white snow reflecting all the colors of Christmas time..........warmed me more than it ever has before! How beautiful life is if you see everything through my eyes now....cancer gave that to me! seeing tiny bird foot prints in the snow bring a smile to my face now, I notice much more of life now....I don't see all my don't have(s) anymore......I see everything I do have and know that I am blessed more now than ever....cancer gave that to me.....when I let my heart fill with all love I have been shown, tears fill my eyes ( I have to limit how many times I do this or I would be crying all the time! lol), just from the simple joy that the gift of love brings out in everyone....we all have love.... be it from a child, a parent, a sibling, a best friend, our pets, extended family, our spouses or significant others.

I didn't have to develop a life threatening disease to learn all this, what I did have to learn was to slow down and let myself see these things, I had to give myself time to let my mind wrap around these things then I had to allow myself time to feel what I feel and then I had to figure out what I learned from it and then store it away or share it with others and then let go of it so I can experience more and start the whole process again....letting go of many things moved me further ahead than I ever thought possible before. Do I know what my prognosis is? No I don't, do I feel it is my time this time to go where ever it is I am supposed to go? No, I don't.........I just don't "feel" as if my journey is over yet........I think when we do figure out why we were meant to be here is where and when the journey ends.....for some it's far too early for those we leave behind and for others their journey takes a life's not for us to decide ,it's for us to discover and I for one am very thankful there is no itinerary to dull and boring life would be if we always knew what was just around the corner!

Nothing in life is better than sharing how much someone means to you....why not tell someone today? What a wonderful thing if it turns out to be one big, long chain reaction huh?