Monday, December 18, 2006

Good days...Bad Days...I've had my share!

Well, as good as I felt and looked Saturday for the two parties we went to I have been paying for it since then. Yesterday I had just enough energy to go out to breakfast with Jim then it was back in my jammies and back to bed, which was kind of nice.....spent the entire day in bed with Jim watching football.....and did I mention that my BEARS won again, in an exciting overtime moment?!?!? lol I love the back and forth of sudden death in overtime.

I'm still having trouble with my legs today ( I want to go go go, but they don't want to) but I think that could be from wearing my high heeled boots all day Saturday (10 hours) It's been a very long time since I had on heels (since July) But I keep telling myself a lil while longer and I can put all this behind me and by summer I should have all my old energy back, and my hair (loosing eye brows and eye lashes now) and I can wear all the high heeled shoes I want to! lol

I have found that dealing with cancer is a lot like childbirth the first time.....your scared, you don't know what to expect, it's more painful than you thought, but in the end it's a new life, metaphorically speaking of course. Having Jim and the kids makes it so worth the effort, I'm not ready to say my goodbye's just yet. When your baby, our 14 year old Son; who is trying to be more of a man than the lil boy that I knew, lays his head in your lap and says more to himself than you "I just don't know what I would do without you Mom" how can I not fight like hell to make sure that doesn't happen for a very long time?

Out of all this I only had one dark day, and that is when I was unable to walk and found myself crawling to the bathroom and unable to pull myself back up onto my bed.....I was mad as hell and refused Jim's help..it was at that moment that I finally broke down, and said, " I Give up, it wins! I can't do this anymore, I don't want to do this anymore, I can't take this anymore!" as I collapsed on the floor and cried my eyes out, breath holding sobs racked my body as Jim took me in his arms and rocked me. After my crying slowed down enough for him to be able to quietly speak to me, he whispered into my ear, "You are the meanest, toughest woman that I have ever met and you're  gonna let cancer beat you?" I know those aren't words of love to many, but those are exactly the words that I needed to hear, he reminded me who I was and what I was made of and that is just what I needed to get my Irish temper up and get pissed off enough again to finish what I started.....kickin' cancers ass!

So here I sit today with my 7th treatment tomorrow and only one more to go after that........better days are coming, they are coming and I will be ready to enjoy every single one of them!

36 comments:

pippa1116 said...

you are strong. so what if you can't always walk and have to crawl sometimes. and if you can't crawl, just smack the shit out of old cancer.
i will have you in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow and the following days.  hang in there

tina

brandyp0509 said...

I have no doubt that you can and will do this!  You are in my prayers!

glensfork4 said...

I am a Chicago native - Go BEARS!! I will keep you in prayer...
Michele
http://journals.aol.com/glensfork4/these-are-my-thoughts/

sangrialel said...

Only one more to go after tomorrow!!!!  You are a WARRIOR!  Linda

peggy111061 said...

I know from your past journals that you are a strong lady and one bad day will not get you down.  Keep moving forward, with or without heals!  p.s.  How was Grandmother????

pharmolo said...

Carry right on, Kim. Carpe diem - live by the day.

yakima127 said...

yes, you will...Jae

onestrangecat said...

high heels? won't find me wearing any -- not for 10 hours anyway.

i know it has been a long tough road for you but you seem to be handling it well and your family (husband) has really been strong for you.

Kathy

psychfun said...

Yep, I haven't been able to wear high heels since my foot injury & my doc is not too excited about me every doing it. I asked him how those women in the 1940s etc wore them all day everyday & he said their calf muscles shortened up & they actually could not wear flats. He said he would like a study on them now to see how many of them have back problems, scoliosis etc. Take your slippers with you like at weddings & change them for a bit to give them a break. You can do this girl!

lindaggeorge said...

You'll get there, it's so nearly finished now and then it's just recovery and getting stronger every day. Get mad when you need to, it'll give you the extra strength to keep going, a bit like a turbo charger. You are loved and you have everything to live for. Do it!

Linda x.

ajquinn354 said...

Kim, you bet better days are coming dear, you just keep your upbeat spirit dear.  I know the big "C" is scary as all get out. My Sis Mary Ann is a 2 time breast cancer survivor and doing great, so know with your positive attitude you'll also be a success my dear. Heck with youe son, hubby and all your loved ones and your J-land friends keeping you in their prayers you'll do just fine. Take care, Bless you.....Arlene (AJ)

mzgoochi said...

Kim, I'm so glad Jim was there for you. It's very easy to give up without support. Hang in there gf, you're gonna make it. (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) and yes, better days are a comin. I promise!

love ya!

dwhee70041 said...

Kim,
I've been following Da Bears for several years.  Two year ago, most of the games they lost was by 7 points of less.  I knew it wouldn't be long until they shined.  They didn't quit.  They kept playing and losing, and sucking it up, practicing and getting back out on the field.  They never gave up and LOOK AT THEM NOW!!!!!!
As a fellow Irishman, I know you won't give up either.  
David

emabecmar said...

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cuteybaby1981 said...

You are an amazing woman and I am sure that you looked hot in the heels.  I am so sorry that you are paying for that now.  With all that you are going through and you still continue to smile I know that God has something wonderful in store for you!

blessings~

Tia

chevyz71gurl74 said...

(((((((((((Kim))))))))))))))

Better days are coming...just remember that!

So glad you have such a loving husband!

As always your in my prayers....

Hugs..~Terri~

gosso23 said...

Hope you start to get your energy back soon.  See what those high heels will do to you! What a sweetie Jim is. He's a keeper. Take care and feel better.
Trish

am4039 said...

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gandsbrock said...

You can do it!  We can see the light at the end of the tunnel - and I don't mean the light that they tell you to "go into"! (and I don't mean the train light either) Bwah-ha-ha.  You know, if you lived near me, I'd give you one of those fold up foam matresses that they sell here in Hawaii.  That way, you'd have a little bed to lie down on, on the floor.  Just so you can have a little rest before you climb into your big bed.  I bet you have one that has the little steps leading up to it!  LOL!  Hang in there.  It won't be for much longer.  You're a tough cookie.

jmorancoyle said...

    Go Bears, kick ass! I bet you looked terrific in your boots!
Jude
http://journals.aol.com/jmorancoyle/MyWay

tendernoggle said...

awwww man...you are nearly through all the treatments!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM SO DAMN PROUD OF YOU GIRL!!!!!! YOUR JIM IS WONDERFUL TOO FOR BEING THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU NEED HIM.
GOD BLESS YOUR HEART AND SOUL.
LOVE YA,
CARLENE

sdoscher458 said...

I know it's the holidays, but you need to pace yourself a little bit dear. Tough is fine but right now you pamper yourself a little. Right now I couldn't do ten hours in heels if my life depended on it....I guess I would have to work up to it..you know baby heels (baby steps) a little higher, than higher and maybe up to 3"..whew. With my luck I'd break my ankle...but I'd look good. It's a shame too, because with all the styles they have today I'd be in real trouble in the shoe department....LOL...rest a little my friend...Sandi

mrmaninthemoon said...

You looked beautiful Kim, people say I dont look sick either on the good days, but I sure treasure them, I feel normal, happy, in control, but we are allowed the bad days. You have a fighting spirit, be strong,your almost home free. Love will get you through anything, thats why you were blessed with Jim, your one lucky Irish Woman. Many blessings, and I am thinking of you. Hug's Riss and the Circle of Love

frankandmary said...

You may have not had a lot of energy on Sunday, but you sure took the time to help me with something. Thank you ~Mary

kbeatty99 said...

Keep your chin up!  Merry Christmas.-k

adlessor said...

I'm so happy for you.  May you be blessed with a happy and healthy new year.      Dawn     A Couple of Nomads  

evanmyangel88 said...

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siennastarr said...

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ravenjuiced said...

Well, I'm guessing this is a Christmas you'll always remember. I hope it's the best one you've ever had sweetie. Take care and have yourself some happy holidays. Maybe sneak a shot of whiskey in there somewhere.

Fred

candlejmr said...

You've been tagged my friend!  Check out my journal.

((hugs))
Jeanne

bookncoffee said...

Here I sit with tears in my eyes reading this.  I don't get over to visit often but I know a good many of my journal buddies have you in their side bars.  I now have you in bloglines so I can sneak over sometimes.  But I just wanted to say "keep fighting" and we'll keep "praying".  I have a 14 year old daughter, so your words hit home.  I know you must dread the treatments and their aftermath.
Merry Christmas to you, and I hope you feel better soon.  (((((big hugs))))
Sonya

bmorrrick said...

Hi Kim,

I wanted to wish you a very Merry Christmas!!  I hope you're feeling better, and certainly will be glad for you to get past your chemo.  You look BEAUTIFUL in your pics....I got all caught up with your entries.

Take Care,
~Bilinda~

ajquinn354 said...

Kim, you and yours are in my special thoughts - hope you all have a beautiful, blessed Christmas and a New Years of great happenings for all of you...Arlene (AJ)

plieck30 said...

Just wanted to say I hope you feel well on Christmas and have a nice one and hope the New Year will be good to you. Paula

thisismis72 said...

My J is a huge bears fan, probly the biggest, at leastthe biggest I know, Hpe th new year is filled with a ton of blessings for you, Missy

rebuketheworld said...

wow...crying.....

When I think about lonely, or what it means, its a seperation...I think when we are in trials, sometimes we feel seperate because the people around us arent going through what we are dealing with....With the situation in my life, who can understand unless they have been there?...but the epiphany was bigger and is than how I feel...there is no seperation is grief, whether your dealing with it or watching someone you love who is....why am I saying this?

Not because you dont know...you have so much radical fire inside of you but when you wrote about your hubby rocking you...I thought...you both were like one in that rocking....a oneness...

I would have probably reacted like you...I dont like people to see me too vulnerable. It pisses me off...so I go off and hibernate...and then, I dont know whats its like to really NEED someone...It would probably feel like a lifejacket that I am too strong for...YET....you rocked with your hubby...I dont think I have read anything more beautiful than that this year....I could learn from that..~Raven