You think with being diagnosed with Cancer would make time stand still or go very slowly, but with me it seems like just yesterday, the radiologist who read my mammogram and ultra sound film informed me that my films were given the "suspicious" rating and then he looked into my eyes and added "way beyond" to my "suspicious" and here it is 4 months later already....Doctor appointments, Specialist appointments, a 9 hour surgery, a 6 week recovery from that before my first chemo treatment and now here I am with less than a month to go (3 more chemo's left out of 8) and then the worst is supposed to be over.......then 2 months of additional testing along with recovering and rebuilding my strength back up and then one final surgery....and then life is supposed to return to normal......I don't think life is ever normal again after a serious, life threatening illness.
I for one will always fear that Oncologist check up...is it back? is it worse? Can I find the strength to battle it again? But having Cancer has taught me many other wonderful things.....I now have the ability to see things from a different perspective....I was never one to sweat the small things anyway....surviving a difficult childhood taught me that at a much earlier age, Jim and I losing a child was far more painful and difficult than my battle with cancer and learning to rely on my instinct at the age of 11 to save myself from an abductor who was hell bent on breaking into my childhood home and harming me taught me I was one tough cookie!
I still am unable to pray for myself or pray for a miracle of healing for myself because I KNOW there are others who need those prayers way more than I do........ I save my prayers for them, I'm a survivor and I have such a peace that comes over me and I just let every worry go (most of the time! lol) I know I am loved truly, madly deeply LOVED by my Husband Jim, better than any man could have loved me, I have 4 wonderful, stress inducing children which reminds me that life still goes on and if they are back to misbehaving than life is slowly returning to normal around here! lol I have good friends and extended family that are having a hard time letting me go....if that is the way it is to play out and I have a full heart, I am thankful for everyday ( I was even before Cancer) I am thankful for every tomorrow too! With being cooped up in the house for over a week and usually dreading this time of year because of years and years of battling depression....who can be depressed now, when having every day and having hope of every tomorrow is still in my grasp? Driving home from my Sister Kelly's house last night after watching yet another "Bears" win (heee heee heee!) with a blanket of beautiful white snow reflecting all the colors of Christmas time..........warmed me more than it ever has before! How beautiful life is if you see everything through my eyes now....cancer gave that to me! seeing tiny bird foot prints in the snow bring a smile to my face now, I notice much more of life now....I don't see all my don't have(s) anymore......I see everything I do have and know that I am blessed more now than ever....cancer gave that to me.....when I let my heart fill with all love I have been shown, tears fill my eyes ( I have to limit how many times I do this or I would be crying all the time! lol), just from the simple joy that the gift of love brings out in everyone....we all have love.... be it from a child, a parent, a sibling, a best friend, our pets, extended family, our spouses or significant others.
I didn't have to develop a life threatening disease to learn all this, what I did have to learn was to slow down and let myself see these things, I had to give myself time to let my mind wrap around these things then I had to allow myself time to feel what I feel and then I had to figure out what I learned from it and then store it away or share it with others and then let go of it so I can experience more and start the whole process again....letting go of many things moved me further ahead than I ever thought possible before. Do I know what my prognosis is? No I don't, do I feel it is my time this time to go where ever it is I am supposed to go? No, I don't.........I just don't "feel" as if my journey is over yet........I think when we do figure out why we were meant to be here is where and when the journey ends.....for some it's far too early for those we leave behind and for others their journey takes a life time....it's not for us to decide ,it's for us to discover and I for one am very thankful there is no itinerary to follow........how dull and boring life would be if we always knew what was just around the corner!
Nothing in life is better than sharing how much someone means to you....why not tell someone today? What a wonderful thing if it turns out to be one big, long chain reaction huh?