Monday, December 4, 2006

In my head.......In my heart

You think with being diagnosed with Cancer would make time stand still or go very slowly, but with me it seems like just yesterday, the radiologist who read my mammogram and ultra sound film informed me that my films were given the "suspicious" rating and then he looked into my eyes and added "way beyond" to my "suspicious" and here it is 4 months later already....Doctor appointments, Specialist appointments, a 9 hour surgery, a 6 week recovery from that before my first chemo treatment and now here I am with less than a month to go (3 more chemo's left out of 8) and then the worst is supposed to be over.......then 2 months of additional testing along with recovering and rebuilding my strength back up and then one final surgery....and then life is supposed to return to normal......I don't think life is ever normal again after a serious, life threatening illness.

I for one will always fear that Oncologist check up...is it back? is it worse? Can I find the strength to battle it again? But having Cancer has taught me many other wonderful things.....I now have the ability to see things from a different perspective....I was never one to sweat the small things anyway....surviving a difficult childhood taught me that at a much earlier age, Jim and I losing a child was far more painful and difficult than my battle with cancer and learning to rely on my instinct at the age of 11 to save myself from an abductor who was hell bent on breaking into my childhood home and harming me taught me I was one tough cookie!

I still am unable to pray for myself or pray for a miracle of healing for myself because I KNOW there are others who need those prayers way more than I do........ I save my prayers for them, I'm a survivor and I have such a peace that comes over me and I just let every worry go (most of the time! lol) I know I am loved truly, madly deeply LOVED by my Husband Jim, better than any man could have loved me, I have 4 wonderful, stress inducing children which reminds me that life still goes on and if they are back to misbehaving than life is slowly returning to normal around here! lol I have good friends and extended family that are having a hard time letting me go....if that is the way it is to play out and I have a full heart, I am thankful for everyday ( I was even before Cancer) I am thankful for every tomorrow too! With being cooped up in the house for over a week and usually dreading this time of year because of years and years of battling depression....who can be depressed now, when having every day and having hope of every tomorrow is still in my grasp? Driving home from my Sister Kelly's house last night after watching yet another "Bears" win (heee heee heee!) with a blanket of beautiful white snow reflecting all the colors of Christmas time..........warmed me more than it ever has before! How beautiful life is if you see everything through my eyes now....cancer gave that to me! seeing tiny bird foot prints in the snow bring a smile to my face now, I notice much more of life now....I don't see all my don't have(s) anymore......I see everything I do have and know that I am blessed more now than ever....cancer gave that to me.....when I let my heart fill with all love I have been shown, tears fill my eyes ( I have to limit how many times I do this or I would be crying all the time! lol), just from the simple joy that the gift of love brings out in everyone....we all have love.... be it from a child, a parent, a sibling, a best friend, our pets, extended family, our spouses or significant others.

I didn't have to develop a life threatening disease to learn all this, what I did have to learn was to slow down and let myself see these things, I had to give myself time to let my mind wrap around these things then I had to allow myself time to feel what I feel and then I had to figure out what I learned from it and then store it away or share it with others and then let go of it so I can experience more and start the whole process again....letting go of many things moved me further ahead than I ever thought possible before. Do I know what my prognosis is? No I don't, do I feel it is my time this time to go where ever it is I am supposed to go? No, I don't.........I just don't "feel" as if my journey is over yet........I think when we do figure out why we were meant to be here is where and when the journey ends.....for some it's far too early for those we leave behind and for others their journey takes a life time....it's not for us to decide ,it's for us to discover and I for one am very thankful there is no itinerary to follow........how dull and boring life would be if we always knew what was just around the corner!

Nothing in life is better than sharing how much someone means to you....why not tell someone today? What a wonderful thing if it turns out to be one big, long chain reaction huh?

23 comments:

thisismis72 said...

h

mawmellow said...

((((((((((((((((((Kim))))))))))))))))))))))))
 Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh girl......you are SOOO special.  I've never taken for granted the AOL friendship that we've been granted that has turned us into "sisters".  I thank God daily for so many things and you're always in that list.  
Yes, you already know the tears were streaming as I was reading your entry today.  I know I don't have to tell you that !!! Big hugs !!  I love you !

mpnaz58 said...

Your strength and commitment to beat this is courageous.  You may not think so, but many others do.  My husband's last radiation treatment for larynx cancer was on 12/31/03.  He sees the oncologist and ENT doctors every 3 months.  He has been cancer free.  AMEN!!  I dreaded his visits to the doctors more than he.  Your journey continues, but the fight never ends.  Take care...
xoxo ~Myra

lanurseprn said...

Cancer changes a person in so many ways.  I've been fortunate in that I haven't found that out first hand. But, those close to me have had it.  You will never be the same.   But, as you said....the changes can be good.  This is a good entry. I do hope your "feeling" is right and your journey will continue.
God Bless You.....Pam

sangrialel said...

this entry is a wonderful reminder of all that we should be thankful for, t hank you for reminding me!  Linda

dwhee70041 said...

Kim,  Thank you for sharing your fight with us.  You are loved by many, many people.  David

cneinhorn said...

thank you.  blessings to you kimberleigh

pharmolo said...

That sort of thing brings life into sharp focus, Kim. Keep going.

jonathanfoxley said...

you are a special lady, and i am so grateful to be able to read your thoughts about your illness and life in general, i can get so wrapped up in my own little dramas and not see the bigger picture, so thank you for bursting my bubble on a regular basis.
my prayers are for you
lucy x

imshadowraven2 said...

Just when i think im at my lowest you my friend remind me of all i do have and for this i thank you and i love you . ...........Robin

pippa1116 said...

of course you are one tough cookie.  I wish i was half as tough as you are!
take care, the end is in sight now.

love

tina

chevyz71gurl74 said...

Kim, I could read your entries forever and a day...you have such a way with words it's amazing ~ You have such an uplifting attitude...and it makes me strive to be a better person. If we could all see things as clearly as you....the world would be a much better place. You said it best when you said....

"How beautiful life is if you see everything through my eyes now....cancer gave that to me! "

We just have to slow down to see these things in life...beauty is all around us....we have so much to be thankful for...and i am so thankful to have you as a friend.  You are truly an inspiration to us all!

Love N Hugs ~Terri~

siennastarr said...

h

candlejmr said...

You are such a dear, sweet woman with such a spirit and such a positive attitude.  Watching you battle this illness has taught me so much about life and how we have to appreciate every single moment we have on this earth.  I did get some of that while I watched my dad die at the "young" age of 62, but I think because that was so "close" to me, I couldn't see everything totally clearly.  You have taught me what real spirit is and I will always be grateful to you for that!

((hugs))
Jeanne

ajquinn354 said...

Through thick and thin, you're a real winner dear. Life deals us all some tough things to handlel and bless you for realizing that through the really hard times that you are able to appreciate the many other blessings you'e been dealt.  Can't pray for yourself, well all of us who read your site are saying prayers for you. Bless you always....Arlene (AJ)

onestrangecat said...

you sound like a very strong woman.

"How beautiful life is if you see everything through my eyes now....cancer gave that to me! "  reminds me of how Pamela (his1desire) got so excited over her accidental garden.  Now I will think of you when I see tiny bird footprints!

Thanks for sharing your ups and downs with us.  And your new insights on how beautiful the world can truely be.

Kathy

gandsbrock said...

It's a rare person that appreciates what they have in life, with or without tragedy.  We always knew you were special.  :-)  And you may not be praying for yourself, I'm praying for you.  Those prayers aren't wasted one little bit.  No way.

Great post.  I enjoyed reading it and thinking about it. - Stephanie

tendernoggle said...

You do not have to pray for yourself, we are behind you doing it for you...because we all know that you are sooooooooo worth it....we love and care for you and we know that we are honored just to be able to know you.
love ya,
carlene

inafrnz247 said...

h

ukgal36 said...

h

buggieboo1 said...

you are truly amazing! I think of you daily and you are in my htoughts and prayers! a lot of people here pray for you! there is power in pray!
HUGS

Sharon

lmitc89854 said...

After reading your entry, my heart is filled with love

ekgillen said...

h