Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Where my head is at today......

After 5 months of running on raw energy to first have the cancerous tumors and my left breast removed and then 16 weeks of chemo treatments almost coming to an end.....I am emotionally and physically drained..I have spent the last week completely devoid of emotion.....it's like my spunk, my fight, my spirit has flat lined..and since this is all new to me, I am at a lost on how to get past it or find it again. Christmas Eve was spent "faking" it for my family's sake and Christmas Day was slept away.......I wish I could sleep away the next few weeks....then maybe when I awake....I'll find my strength again.....all aspects of it..... maybe I'll find me again.

I am hoping that when this year officially ends, so will this funk I am in........."New" Year has a "New" meaning to me.

29 comments:

lanurseprn said...

You have a lot to look forward to this new year.  God Bless you Kim!
Pam

midwestvintage said...

 I am thinking since this is new to you you won't be in it long before your natural spirit awakens again.  You have been going through so much and keeping up such a brave face but getting tired beyond emotions is something that happens with the treatment.  I have had patients tell me even really funny things couldn't get them to laugh, just too much energy at times.  I hope this passes quickly for you.

                             Julie

lindaggeorge said...

You are nearly at the end of your treatment aren't you? Once that's finished I'm sure you will start to regain your strength and with it all your normal feelings.

I think you have probably tried to make a show of being as normal as possible whilst your body was being assaulted with all that agressive medication, I have no doubt you tried to do more than you had the reserves for and now you are running on nearly empty. Just rest, let others take the strain because in a few weeks you will be coming back to life, just like a tree after the winter, you will start to blosom and flourish again.

You've made it through the festive season, now stop trying to be all things to everyone and take the rest you deserve and need, it's only for a short while.

Happy New Year.

Linda x.

siennastarr said...

h

onestrangecat said...

Wish I knew something to help you get out of the funk.
Maybe to get outside for a bit would help (just sitting on the porch).
I am sure your spirit will come back soon.  I pray that it will.

Kathy

frankandmary said...

'You're' there, Kim. You just haven't really rested in over 40 years.  It is time.  You need it. You are the Queen of bounceback~but that takes a toll.  
You are travelling such a long, hard road & you do it with grace, still.  ~Mary

sunflowerkat321 said...

I think sometimes you just have to let a funk run its course.  Especially when you have had to find the strength to get through something like this.  It very well could be your body's way of demanding rest....both physical and emotional.  I hope you can just allow yourself the time to spiritually recouperate.

inafrnz247 said...

I pray that the new year brings you all the comfort, peace and warmth your heart deserves.  That which does not kill us makes us stronger, and even when you feel weak you are still forging ahead and taking each day as it comes, gaining strength in every moment.  

Hugs and blessings,

Michelle

stupidsheetguy said...

That's right, New Year, new lease on life. I'm so looking forward to your recovery, and to you getting a new start. You've been through a lot more than one should have to endure, but you've done so with a lot of grace and style.

Please know that everyone is praying and rooting for you. I'm glad that you got to enjoy at least part of the Christmas holiday, but you'll live it up next year, no doubt.

Please take care, and keep plugging along.

Jimmy

nana0014 said...

Oh sweetie you've come through so much.. don't beat yourself up you deserve some down time.. maybe it's good for you to get those feelings out now and like you said you can start new very soon. Be proud of yourself you've done so well dealing with everything. Regardless, of what has happened you have a wonderful family to still be thankful for. I know they love you very much.
Take care, Chrissie

ajquinn354 said...

Kim with everything you've been through and doing all you could to get through the the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, it's no wonder you are worn out. Goodness, most of us feel warn out and we haven't been through anywhere near what you have dear.  Just relax, prop your feet up, have a good, hot cup of tea and listen to some relaxing music  and/or read a book.  You need a little Kim time, so that you'll be ready for the NEW YEAR that's waiting for you to enjoy. Take care of yourself dear.....Arlene (AJ)

pharmolo said...

This sort of thing will drain you, emotionally as well as physically. Take it easy for now, you'll be back to your old self in a wink in 2007!

dornbrau said...

Well, I was wondering when you were finally going to slow down.  Its okay, take a break, rest up, regroup... It was okay to take some time off before, so don't go thinking you have to be Super Woman for everyone while you're dealing with this phase in your life.  You've got a whole new year ahead of you, it'll be there when you're ready.  And we'll be here always.
ps... Happy Belated Christmas!  Dorn

chat2missie said...

h

sangrialel said...

I will be keeping you in my prayers a little more for the next few days!  Linda

chevyz71gurl74 said...

As always I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers....
2007 has so much in store for you i just know it...Take this time, to take it easy...you deserve it...and in time your strength will return and you will be your normal fiesty fun loving self again Kim =)~  Keep your chin up girlie!
Love & Hugs
 ~Terri~

pippa1116 said...

I am sorry you are down right now. I hope this passes soon too. I think this is natural though. but it still sucks, just the same.  Just remember, you are giving the cancer that ol' middle finger!
take care
tina

am4039 said...

h

tendernoggle said...

You know what hon....I think you are like the veterans that have finally gotten to come home from the war...You have fought sooooooo hard and sooooooooo long, and now that the war is almost over, you can take time to actually feel how tired you actually are! So , in the words of an old saying, you have to : "RE-GROUP AND RE-MOUNT"!!! Lay low, take your time and it will come back...PAMPER YOURSELF>TAKE LONG HOT BATHS IN CANDLE LIGHT, LISTEN TO GOOD MUSIC, READ A GOOD BOOK, WATCH "I LOVE LUCY", PRAY, PRAY PRAY.......YOUR PASSION FOR LIFE WILL RETURN AGAIN....

YOU ARE MY HERO.
LOVE YA,
CARLENE

plieck30 said...

So sorry your on down time right now. Maybe some of it is the stress of holidays. I hope it passes quickly. Paula

thegirlnexdoor77 said...

Sorry to hear that you hit a funk!!! Praying you will pull out of it...maybe you really need some much needed rest...Will keep you in my prayers...get your self better and take it easy!!!! Hugs,TerryAnn

missy92980 said...

Heya Kim! Please keep your chin up, knowing how soon this will all be over.  You have been fighting for so long, I can understand why you feel worn down!  Just keep in your mind that you have won... you have and will continue to kick Cancer's ass!!  You are a hero in my eyes... God bless you, Kim!

Hugs,
Kelly

rebuketheworld said...

Every person I have read who has gone through what you have that last lap, the last stretch is the worst. I would say to just honor it. Its hard. I know I have heard the words and read them from cancer survivors and yet, have no idea in how hard it is BUT, its almost done. I can understand why you feel so exhausted. Your spiritied lovely self will come full circle. Hey, listen to the song I just uploaded on my blog. I might bring you a smile....~Raven

http://journals.aol.com/rebuketheworld/RebukeTheWorld/

Lyrics----- For this moment, I am fine........

caromarls said...

Don't let your feelings get you down ~ simply roll with them, like you've rolled with everything else. Let them happen as it is part of the healing process. Let go, sleep, don't try to put up a front. Everyone knows what you've been through and they will understand how you feel. I have never met anyone as positive as you in any situation. You WILL feel stronger and more positive soon. It is who you are. Your body simply needs to heal. We will all pray for your strength to return. Something that I have learned A LOT in the last year or so : when you are weak, this is when God is strong. So lean on Him and let Him hold your hand. You will triumph! Love, Caroline
http://journals.aol.com/caromarls/ANewAdventure

mrmaninthemoon said...

Hi Kim, Give yourself this time to get rest and relax a little. Your almost home free. Your spirit and fight is a little low, but remember, your winning this battle, and soon, you will get the prize...You will be free of this damn crap. Find your fighting spirit again and know there are so many people praying for you. You can do this, you have shown it just how strong you are, stronger than it is.Your the WINNER.
I hope that you find strength today as you look into the faces of Jim and the kids...Thinking of you , Riss

kbeatty99 said...

Its OK to need and want rest.  The holidays are hard w/o cancer.  Rest Woman!-k

gandsbrock said...

{{{hugs}}}  You're on an emotional roller coaster.  This is the bottom of the hill.  Don't worry, you'll be chugging up the hill and doing loopdy loops in no time!  Get some sunshine.  Winter/chemo blahs.  You WILL bounce back. - Stephanie

helmswondermom said...

So sorry you are in a funk.  I hope things are looking brighter soon.  I'm sure you'll find your strength again; get the rest you need for now.
Lori
http://journals.aol.com/helmswondermom/DustyPages

cneinhorn said...

time to rest and revamp.  take this time for yourself, don't worry about putting on the happy face kim.  give yourself a break now.