Thursday, September 30, 2004
It has something to do with deer's being able to scent humans, but if you smell like 'dirt' your ok huh? Yeah, I think its probably natural for a deer, to see something that looks like a tree, walking through the woods but smells like a big clump of dirt!
Another thing, this man thought it was ok to put 'bait' in the fridge, yes! The same fridge that I keep this family's food in! I had to put an end to that a few years ago, when one of my darling children accidentally knocked over a cup of nightcrawlers in my fridge and when I opened up that said fridge, there was a free for all......all over the groceries I had just bought! Image the trauma I went through, I have not been able to look at a worm since! It's something like post traumatic stress syndrome...I get flash backs to nightcrawlers entwined in the head of lettuce that I was to use to make BLT's out of that night.......I'll need therapy to really let that image go, it has totally ruined fishing for me forever, gone is the time I used to bait my hooks! I mean I pay Orkin good money to keep bugs OUTSIDE of my home and my darling husband not only pays for them but brings them into the house and puts them in my fridge! He now has a small fridge in the garage strictly for his bait and I'm a happy camper!
Another thing I don't understand is getting up before its even light outside to go fishing! Do the fish have a time schedule? Do they only eat pre-dawn or post-sunset? If I want him to do something with the family on the weekends, early mind you, I get "but Hun, that's the only time I get to sleep in late!" but let the phone ring and it be one of his brother-in-laws man he's wide awake and ready to go fishing! lol
I for one could never sit still and be quiet long enough to see a deer and I don't think I could ever shoot an animal unless it was looking at me as it's entree or dessert. And I don't think "cammo" is my color it kinda washes me out. But I love my "lil Bwana" and what makes him happy makes me happy and I know there are worse things he could be doing! lol
We had met years earlier when we both stood up to a mutual friends wedding, but we didn't become best friends till this mutual friend introduced us again in 1996. She was going through a rough time in her life and she was questioning everything about herself, much like I did a couple of years earlier. Its rather therapeutic to meet and talk to someone who has already experienced what your feeling, it is like a light suddenly goes on and you say, "Ah ha! Finally somebody understands exactly what I'm going through!"
We found out we had much in common and bonded almost instantly. We had moments of real laughter, the kind you have when you were younger, that deep belly kind of laugh, were you swear your going to laugh so hard you'll split your side or wet your pants! It was good to have that kind of laughter in my life again, its the kind of laughter only your siblings or friends from your youth can bring on. We would be on the phone 5 or 6 hours a day, (hey we're women we multi task!). I had been so involved with my Husband and raising our children, I stopped having a life outside of them, so it was good to have someone to go shopping with, dine out with, have a few glasses of wine with. I was enjoying having a best friend again.
Even though there were similarities with both of us, all the way down to our appearances, we looked like sisters and many times we were closer than our real sisters, but the difference was I had gone through therapy and "cleaned house" so to speak. I had stopped doing things that harmed my soul and broke free of harmful traps. I have a maddening need to fix situations, when somebody needs solutions they called me, when someone needs ideas they called me, I was the "Strong" one out of the bunch, I am the "FIXER."
In being my best friends' best friend, I tried to help her find herself or save herself, she was in a bad relationship, she had a horrible relationship with her parents, she was always in some kind of crisis, all it took was a phone call from her and I would abandon my own family and needs to run off to save her. I learned the hard way, some people don't want to be saved. Those are the kind of people who cry and complain about how bad they have it, but do nothing to change their situation, they don't come up with solutions only excuses. They only want quick fixes and nothing gets fixed quick or without a lot of work. Those are the people that don't want to do the work, they wait for others to do it for them, the "Fixers." And when they stop getting what they want, need or have to have from you, they look for the next person to say,"You poor, poor you!'
I had seen how she lied, cheated and stole things, which is something that I don't usually subject myself too, but she made me laugh. It got to the point where the needy side of her was too much for me, I had given all that I could give and took nothing in return, "taking" is not my nature. I had to soul search on this one and I did....I knew I had to cut her loose and I did. Do I miss her friendship, yes of course I do, but do I miss all the drama in her life and the drama she created in my life.......no, not at all, and that is how I know I did the right thing. I can't save everybody all the time and I can't take away from my family to help and save another's.
This is the part where I learned to say no, I learned not everybody wants to be saved, some people like to play the victim. This is were I learned to walk away from someone who constantly took more then they gave. My family benefited from me severing this friendship, I no longer took off at the drop of a hat when she needed me, I became my husbands best friend again, I let him become my confidant again, the one I told my every thought too, like I used to do before my best friend. I still keep in touch with this person from time to time and she is still stuck in this viscous cycle but she has to learn how to stop it herself this time, she has to want to first.
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
My 18 yr. old daughter and her Goth friends have all decided to become professional dumpster divers as of late. I like to refer to these children as "Children of the corn" They are a sight walking up my drive way late at night, all dressed in black, hair dyed black, shiny piercings, but they are probably the most intelligent bunch of kids that age, I know. Conversations with these kids are always deep, they already know who they are, they aren't still struggling to find themselves, they just like to dress like "death" lol
Yesterdays "Discussion" was why she could not lug into my house a Hi-fi 8 tracks stereo system in a console, you know what I'm talking about, the kind your parents had or for some of you your grand parents. First of all I we don't even own any albums, records or 8 tracks anymore! My second problem with this is what if its a fire hazard, I'm sure the wiring in this baby is shot, and last but not least what if this thing is infested with something....ewwwwwww!!!! I don't even want to go there! It was in someone's trash for a reason!
This is where my boundaries come in to play.........I feel this is mine and my DH's house, we have the final say so what is going to take up residence here right? I have always told them when they have tried that routine on me, 'It's my room! I can have anything I want in my room!' First of all I remind them that it is NOT their room, its a room, in my house that I let them sleep in, decorate the walls and put their clothes in. Someday they are going to move out, its not like they can take their room with them right!!!! (Oh I so remember these fights with my parents, but I was trying to sneak in abandoned animals my whole childhood! lol)
Needless to day I won that argument, I told her you want it, then rent a storage locker somewhere and keep all your 'treasures' there until you move out, there is only room for one queen "B" in this house and I am the Queen!!!!! Now off with their heads!!!!! lol
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Long before I knew your face
I knew your heart.
I knew it would speak to me the very
first time I saw your face.....
And it did.
I saw the most beautiful man,
one who stilled my heart.
But he had not seen me yet,
his eyes were to open to me later
in our lives.
For he had belonged to another
and I was off on my own
adventures in life.
But I knew our time would come
I had to just wait for it.
A few years would pass before
our eyes and our hearts
would open at the same time.
All it took was just a few moments
in each others company.
We both knew it at that moment,
that "this" was worth exploring.
My mind could not stop thinking of him
and as I found out later
nor his....... of me
But again this was not our time,
he had things to finish up.
And I was beginning something new
but that feeling of "knowing"
was still there between us.
When our time finally came
it was like the world cease to exist
we saw no others, we heard no sound
but the calling between two hearts....
"Yes I'm still here...and I have been waiting"
That first encounter happened
over twenty-three years ago
and time has changed us both
but you my forever love.......
are still beautiful to me.
Monday, September 27, 2004
But with age comes wisdom and reflection. I have learned what is most precious to me..... it is my life with my Husband. I knew from the very moment I saw him, I was going to marry him, birth his babies and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life growing old with him. In viewing all my signs of aging now, I see that I am accomplishing that desire. Gone is the youthful glow on my face and in its place are small lines and a few well earned wrinkles. Gone is the shimmer of my once summer blonde hair and gone is the smoothness of my hands........... But he says he still see's the girl and that he will love me through all time.
All I have to do is to look upon my Mother's face to see future glimpses of me, I have mirrored her image since my birth. I only hope to capture her grace as I age. I will still pamper my skin and color my hair for vanity's sake but I will also remember with every new laugh line, every new gray hair on my head..... means I am living my wish......... to grow old....... with my love....... my Husband.
Sunday, September 26, 2004
My second decade was spent growing my hair, my nails and my breasts. The latter part of that decade I spent learning how to self-destruct. Using alcohol, drugs and my own body against me. Because even though it was pain I was causing and pain that I felt, I was still alive right? Dead people can't feel pain right? I did it to numb the pain that was hidden just below the surface of me, So I caused pain in other areas of myself and my life. It kept the cries from escaping other parts of my mind and soul. It was a wonder that I even had another decade.
My third decade was spent learning to stop punishing myself, learning to love myself and at the same time realizing there was more to the universe than just me. I thought I knew the depths of love, I knew nothing, until my first born left my womb to be placed in my arms. Oh the wonder of it all! Her small hands, her perfect mouth, the soft way she sighed. The eyes that looked back at me with such love, such trust. It is now that I look back at that moment and know they should also arrive with a warning label! It was the decade that I thought I left my childhood behind.
My fourth decade is where I shattered. I couldn't do it all anymore. I knew in order for me to go forward I had to go back to my past. I dealt with childhood issues that I thought were long taken care of. I liken it to a long hallway with many doors, some doors well lit, some cast in shadows. There were a few that I just wanted to take a peek in, just to relive a great memory, and there were others where the doors were scorching hot, and they burned me as I turned the knob. I opened all but a few. Those were the doors that I didn't really want to know what happened, I am at peace with my choices. The second half of that decade was ridding myself of all the drama. I walked away from everything and everybody that I felt took more than they gave to me. It was wonderful to be free of that garbage, but I still had to deal with the guilt of sometimes putting myself before others. Your wholechildhood your taught to be nice, to accommodate everybody so no one feels left out, even though your spread so thin that you wonder if there is enough of you to go around? Its something you don't realize until its almost too late.
So here I sit on the first year of my fifth decade wondering but looking forward to what's in front of me. Here is where I stop writing in decades and start in the here and now.
Friday, September 24, 2004
Wrapped up in you
I am so wrapped up in you that
I will forever feel your heat.
You love me without boundaries
and without expectations.
You accept me as I am,
even though at times
I am blind when it comes to others,
I do not see the way they look at me.
My eyes are only to look upon your face,
the face that looks back at me,
with absolute love,
pure and fulfilling.
My lips will remember no other,
for they are scorched with the
passion that erupts from us.
Forever to be feasted on
by one another.
My hand no longer fits
into the hand of any other,
My fingers wrap with perfection
into the curve of your hand.
The song of my heart can only
be heard by yours,
beating in constant rhythm
with the music of our love
"Cathederal" by Auguste Rodin (stock photo) Poetry original Copyright KMH 2003
Thursday, September 23, 2004
Some things that I have learned about myself in a negative light. Some are flaws, some are simply regrets. I am secretly pleased that the list wasn't long enough to warrant its own journal! lol
I really hate my nose!
I can shut down quickly and stay that way for long periods of time
I enjoy bullying the bully a little to much
I wish I was taller then my weight would never be an issue
I should have never baked in the sun when I was younger, just look what it does to a potato and clay pots!
I very rarely give people second chances
I should have shown up to my typing class in High School more often if I would have seen into the future and the Internet!
I hate that I can't take compliments very well
I wish that I could of learned to say "no" sooner
Well wasn't that therapeutic..........Hmmmmmm......check back with me later on that! lol
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
This is the first child created by "our love," she is our song bird. She is the first of "Ours" in the "Yours, Mine and Ours" kind of love story. I couldn't wait to give birth to her! I wanted to know everything about her. Who's eye's she was going to have, who's nose, I wanted to hear her laughter.
Even though her delivery came two weeks later than she was expected, she was a lil bitty thing. She weight 5 lbs 7 oz and the doctor exclaimed,"She nothing but eye balls and eye lashes!" She entered this world calmly and full of wonder and she has remained that way. She didn't close her eyes for sleep until hours after she was born, she was too busy experiencing life.
This child loved music from the beginning, she very rarely had a bad day even as a baby, always happy, always smiling and when she did have a bad day, music soothed her. She sang melody's before she could even speak. At 13, She can stun an audience to silence within the first few bars of a song. She has the soul of a woman who has lived a thousand years. Many people turn to me when she's singing with their mouths opened and they point to the goosebumps on their skin. She has been compared to Patsy Cline, Leanne Rimes, Brenda Lee and Whitney Houston, you can't get better than that!
I often felt that she was robbed of my time, I gave birth to her baby brother just short of 11 months after her birth. I now had "Irish Twins" She was a very gracious older sister and didn't seem to bother sharing me with her younger brother, but I wish I had more time with just her. Her older Sisters who were now 5 and 9 were perfectly happy about being the only children, but they adjusted as usual, they thought we really must have lost our minds when we announced we were expecting again. I believe their exact words were,"WHY?" and "ARE YOU CRAZY, YOU JUST HAD A BABY!" We had enough love to share with them all.
This daughter of mine, this song bird is a true Gemini, for although she is a sweet and gentle child, she is the quickest to temper. She definitely inherited my fire! She hates injustice and always fights for the underdog. She is the keeper of all animals, she wants to save everything and everybody, she has big love.
She is the one who reminds me to see with a child's eye, where everything has infinite beauty.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
This is the child that I had given everything up for. She was the baby I was to have on my own. Her biological father has never met her and that was his choice. We were young and we were careless but I was ready to become a parent and he wasn't. I felt I had no other option, he felt I did.
She turned 18 this year, graduated High School has her first job and has always been the best choice I ever made. The moment I saw my daughter emerge from my body, all the fear of being a single parent vanished, a peacefulness came over me and I knew we were going to be all right.
She is the most free spirited out of my children, she has always been wise beyond her years but she still stumbles now and then.
She has never really had a problem with figuring out who she is, she has always been herself. She has had pink hair, yellow hair and jet black hair, she has experienced body piercing. I have always felt from being a wild child myself to pick my battles wisely. As long as she dressed with respect of herself and her body, she could pierce or color anything she wanted to. She is the most like me when it comes to personalities and sometimes I can smack myself for having her! lol
This is a child who has known all along that her biological father has never been around. She asked about him once when she was nine, she wanted to see who she looks like, she's the only dark haired child in a family of blondes and society has been rude enough to point that out to her from time to time. She resembles her Biological father with his Italian/German ancestry. I explained to her, that when he was younger he wasn't ready to be your father and he might not be ready now, that could hurt you all over again and you have to be ready to accept the fact that he may never be a Dad to you. She spent a long weekend thinking it over and decided to put it off until she is ready for that encounter. She now has his phone number and address, which I provided her with, it is up to her as a young adult to make that connection.
I started dating my Husband when this child was only 9 weeks old, he has always opened his heart to her, then his home when we were married a few years later, then his last name. She has always said "WE" were enough for her. She is the "gift" I shared with him.
Some people have referred to unplanned pregnancies as mistakes......she was never my mistake... she has always been my gift!
This is my girl......My oldest
Even though she is not born from my body she is born from my heart, she is my oldest child. She is my Husbands gift to me from his previous marriage.
I have been with her since she was 3 years old, she will be turning 22 in the fall. She has grown into a remarkable young woman who I admire for always being true to herself. She was a great kid who always kept me amused with her free spirit. I remember the day she met my daughter, even though her Daddy and I had been dating for a few months we didn't feel it was the right time for our two children to meet in case our relationship didn't work out. It was hard enough for her to watch her parents marriage fall apart and her family to break up, that we both felt in the long run it was better to let them meet each other later after we both knew our relationship was a stable one. The day they met was a few months before her fourth birthday and my daughter was almost six months old. For my husbands daughter it was love at first sight, she wanted to do everything for "the baby" she helped with feeding,diapering, she was the master stroller pusher and bedtime story teller. She loved having a baby doll all her own.
They grew up together as "Sisters" not step sisters, not half sisters even after our marriage and my husband adopted my child they were just "Sisters" I taught them you do not love with half your heart, you do not love with just a step of your heart you love with a whole heart, they agreed. Our oldest daughter brought so much love and joy, she was a very patient child who didn't mind sharing her daddy with us.
I couldn't imagine my life without her. No phone call or time spent, ever ended without an "I love you" and an "I love you too" She was born from my heart even before I met her.
This is my baby, my Boy of Summer.
After being blessed with three daughters you could imagine how happy I was to finally have a son. My first thought was, "Ok I'm done now!" and then,"I finally get to shop in the "BOYS" section!" My outdoors' Husband was overwhelmed that he finally had a lil "fishing buddy." He had someone to throw the ball too, someone who he could commiserate with about living with all these "girls" and someone to pass his name on to and share all the things his father had shared with him. We were complete.
I couldn't have been more ill prepared! lol I had no idea how different little boys were from little girls. My girls were never ones to open drawers, go in cabinets, take risks. But this lil boy of mine was every where all the time! He took things apart, just to see how they fit back together, he mastered baby gates and childproof objects. His biggest thrill when he was under the age of two, was to pull off the safety outlet covers and shock himself. He would get so mad when I wouldn't let him continue. I was exhausted just trying to keep him from harming himself, let alone his older sisters! lol.
This is the boy who thought while in his Superman Jammies he could fly, so he attempted to fly off the top of the couch, only to break his collar bone by the age of four. So off we went.....Mom, Dad and "Lil Superman" cape and all to the Emergency room. I was afraid because he seemed to be a "frequent flyer" there! He wanted to save money so therefore he became "The Bank" and ate 57 cents in mixed coins, he wanted to play "Hungry Hungry Hippo" so he ate the marbles. Both instructions upon leaving the ER for those two incidents resulted with me (Mom) having to make sure he safely passed the objects mentioned above! Who said Motherhood wasn't a rewarding job?? lol.. I have washed more GI Joe boots and guns, bottle caps, marbles, rocks, tree seeds, Yugi O and baseball cards, then I care to mention! He never cleans his treasures out of his pockets before laundry day!
He turned 12 this past summer and my attempts to keep him my baby forever are failing miserably, he is almost as tall as me, but then again a garden gnome is almost as tall as me! He is so very smart and witty and absolutely handsome that soon all his treasures in his pockets will be replaced with girls phone numbers. After all, he received his first kiss on the Kindergarten School Bus and was told he was now her boyfriend! lol.....I couldn't quite tell if that was a look of satisfaction on his face when he told me all about it or the look of complete disgust when I met him at the bus stop!
I know someday he will stop looking at me as if I hung the moon and find his stars in someone else's eyes, But he will always be my baby boy!
Monday, September 20, 2004
Remember when dancing all night didn't hurt? And neither did Long Island Ice Tea's? Ya get ready for the night about 9:00 PM, hair done-check, make up-check, ridiculously high pair of pumps, sometimes with cute lil lace socks, sometimes with nylons, mostly just bare feet-check, either the worlds tiniest skirt or the worlds tightest jeans on, the kind you had to actually lay down on your bed to zip up? I was pretty ingenious when it came to tight jean tools! lol either a metal hanger, crochet hook since I never really figured out how to crochet anything but an endless chain of yarn! Or a handy dandy pair of pliers! lol Who really cared if you couldn't sit down or breath the rest of the night, you looked good! My jeans of choice? Either a great pair of Levi's 501 button fly or when I was feeling chic I'd throw on my designer Jordaches lol.
Out the door by 10:00 PM, to meet friends at local dance clubs, when one closed down you just hopped over to the all nighter, that usually closed right before the sun came up and the morning birds just started chirping, thinking the whole time I gotta get out of here before the house lights go on and I burst into dust or worse, You have discovered you are no longer as cute as you were at the beginning of the night! Bright lights and sunshine are brutal after a night of drinking and dancing. By this time of the night/morning you have danced yourself sober and realize you have to go to work in 4 hours! Yikesss!
Well, this weekend I tried to do that all again, Saturday night we had an outside wedding reception to go to on a beach by the lake. I did the usual routine, except I hardly wear make up any more, I now dress for comfort and fashion! lol But I did put on a pair of the cutest strappy high heeled sandals in my vast array of shoes, I collect shoes you know? Some people collect Precious Moments, some collect stamps and coins, I LOVE SHOES! (back to the party) Well, at first it was difficult to walk to the bar in the sand with my sandals and order my Long Island Ice tea's but after a few, walking was difficult period. (no worries! I was the designated passenger that night, told by my Husband" Have a good time, I'll drive." So I did.
The live band was a friend of mines Husband and they were awesome! We pretty much danced all night, later on I some how bruised my hand playing the tambourine, who knew one could get hurt playing in a band! lol In between Band breaks they ran a karaoke and we tortured our friends with some really bad renditions of some really wonderful songs! lol Everyone and I mean everyone had a great time that night, little did this 40~something group think they would pay for it the next day. Sunday morning came to early and we all met back at the lake (its a private beach club we all are members of) and let me tell you, gone were the eyes shining with excitement from the night before, they were all bloodshot! Nobody was moving at quite the same speed as the night before, the sound of my own heart beat was too loud for me.
Ok, so we can no longer "Party like 1999" or "Shake, Rattle and Roll" even those some of us shook around the middle section, rattled our own teeth and some even rolled in the sand! lol But for one glorious night we were all 20~something again and WE ROCKED THE HOUSE once more! lol
It's now Monday morning and I am still paying for it! lol
Friday, September 17, 2004
This is how my day is going so far:
Over slept and that meant the kids were getting up to late to catch the school bus in time. I had to enlist the "prozac paddy wagon" AKA the Suburban.
While in my hurry to get the kids up and off to school on time our dog "Gizmo" was over looked and left a nice little present for me by the front door that I stepped in on my way back into the house from dropping the kids off. To make matters worse I was bare footed. So off I hop to the bathroom (up a flight of stairs mind you) gagging all the way. Gizmo shows no sign of remorse.
Friday mornings are laundry day around here so I don't spend my weekend chained to the house and the family can do things together outside of the house. The lint catcher fell off the washing machine hose and clogged the sink and I had a small flood in my laundry room. ( All this and I have only been awake 40 minutes)
Phone rings......Its my 13 yr. old daughter calling from school telling me she forgot her permission slip for an upcoming field trip and the money is due today.........Lord have Mercy! Back to the prozac paddy wagon I go.
I decide to stop and buy some coffee because by now I'm to overwhelmed to go home and brew a pot. I get back into my truck, large 24 ounce coffee in my hand, attempt to place in cup holder and the lid comes off in my hand dropping the coffee cup into the coffee holder which spills all over my leather seats....did I mention its the sweet sticky stuff in French Vanilla!
Yes, I want a "DO OVER DAY?" because, I feel its not going to get any better as this day continues! lol
Thursday, September 16, 2004
There is a four letter word out there that makes me take leave of my senses. It makes me loose what inhibition a 40 something could possibly have left. It causes me to have "blinders" to what ever else could be going on in my life. Because of this four letter word I have been late picking my children up from school, I have gotten up out of bed as some ungodly hour in the morning, just to get ready for it and it has made me break a few promises to my Beloved Husband! (Oh my)
I just can't help myself.......this little, itty bitty, four letter word has that kind of control over me, that kind of power! If I was a practicing Catholic, I'm sure it would send me right to the confessional booth! It has made me do things like hurt my fellow man, it has almost made me crash my truck on a few occasions, because I can't take my mind off of it once I hear those four little letters that make up this four letter word!
My Husband has come to really despise this four letter word! You ask yourself....."What could this four letter word be, that it can take normally rational woman and turn them into "no holds barred" kinda woman?"
Now if its a Shoe Sale......... I've been known to draw "First Blood!" lol
Visions of Dad
Oh how I loved Saturday mornings
and breakfast with my dad
Weekends spent with cousins
pajamas made of his old t shirts
The smell of his old spice aftershave
The sight of him in his flight suit
The smell of his well oiled boots
Long drives to the airport
to pick him up late into night
Mornings spent playing at the air base
A quiet moment of him
dancing with my mother
An afternoon nap on the couch
His infectious laugh
All memories from my childhood past
I wish we had more time
I wish I had more memories
I wish I still had.....Him
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
I couldn't live my life without it, I clean house to it, I drive around town with it, I spent most of my younger days dancing all night to it, I travel back in time with it, I've made love with it softly playing. It is the one constant sound in my every day back ground noise. I love all kinds of music and thanks to "Black Eyed Peas" and "Outkast" I'm even enjoying a lil "rap" now and then.
Some music and/or songs mean something deeper to me, most I can trace back to why, but some just haunt me and I can't escape the intense draw to it. So I thought I would time travel and write a few things about "which" music stirred "what" in me.
Bee Gees - What can I say, they were a huge influence in my younger days. You only have to say, "Saturday Night Fever" or "Grease" and everybody knows the sound tracks made those movies! And John Travolta's good looks didn't hurt! lol I still play the Bee Gees a lot when I want to revisit my youth and dance! lol
Led Zeppelin - "Going to California" is probably my all time favorite from them, its one with haunting lyrics and melody. I can put on any LZ CD and be immediately transported back to my Rock and Roll days. I consider them to be the ultimate CLASSIC ROCK band.
Queen - My very first concert! I was 16 and had no fear! It was a freezing cold night, there were 5 people crammed into a 2 seater Fiat, without any heat, and when it failed to return to pick us up, we were left out front of the Ampitheater in Chicago freezing our butts off. We were the only ones still out front when the band left the security of the Ampitheater and they stopped their Limo to roll down their window to wav at us and thank us for coming to their concert! What a rush that was for 4 young Rock and Rollers!
Garth Brooks rendition of an old Bob Dylan tune called, "To make you feel my Love" from the sound track "Hope Floats" was the only song that when I heard it for the first time on the radio, I burst into tears. I "Love" that intensely and I really "felt" those words. It made me buy the movie and the CD, how's that for marketing?
Sammy Kershaw - Another country singer who put how I felt to music. The song is called "Love of my life" it has a very special meaning to both my Husband and I, we both bought it as a surprise Valentines gift for eachother, without knowing the other person bought the same thing. It brought tears to my eyes when we exchanged gifts and realized it meant the same thing to both of us, it has become our "Love Anthem" When ever I get mad at him all I have to do is play that song and I remember "to love" again! lol Pretty handy for him huh?? lol
The cars - "Who's gonna drive you home tonight" is one of those songs that I have no idea why it struck such a cord in my life. It makes me feel lonely even when I'm not. To me, that is some powerful kinda mojo.
Cat Steven's - Who doesn't love Cat Steven's!
Van Morrison - Another man who's musical talent is well known through many generations and who is still touring today with a huge following, but won't really be appreciated until after his death I'm sorry to say, kinda like Freddie Mercury, John Denver, Karen Carpenter and Janis Joplin.
Toni Braxton - As far as I'm concerned if you want to feel sexy, you just have to pop in any one of her CD's and waaa laaaa! you instantly turn into a "Sexy lil Diva" Her music can set you up for one hellova night! lol
Guns and Roses - Another good lil Rock and Roll band that can make me travel back in time. "Sweet child of Mine" Doesn't that make you wanna start "head banging?" lol I can't do that anymore, it makes me dizzy now! lol
Fog Hat, Journey, REO Speed wagon, Kansas, Styx, Super Tramp all get honorable mentions too! All their music is attached to some wonderful memory tucked safely away in my mind.
Well, these are but a few big influences in my life from music, I am also very fond of Rhythm and Blues but there are too many "Greats" out there to mention, but there is nothing sweeter than a Blues Guitar or the sound of a smooth Sax or the blow of a great horn! Long live BB King and Miles Davis you are sorely missed!
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Since I'm feeling very reflective, I thought maybe I should make a list of the contributing factors/influences that made me who I am. No particular order and besides the obvious............ My Family
The Essence of Me
Saturday Night fever
Wizard of Oz
Rhythm & Blues
My Fathers Death
Ok, Lets talk 1980s.
That was the coming of age decade for me, I graduated High School in 1981, took off for New York in the pursuit of true love, returned home a couple of years later a much wiser young woman,I learned to go from 5 foot 0 to 5 foot 7 on a good hair day! lol Lets face it 1980s was the another one of those decades designed around big hair and rock and roll bands. Earlier decades had bufontes and beehive hair styles and afros the size of small countries, but the 1980s was anything goes as long as its big and you didn't mind dying from 2nd hand hair spray fumes.
I was a Rock and Roll Princess! I had big hair, leather pants and boots in many colors. I could go from lace to leather in a heart beat and let the personalities of both take over, and I had a thing for drummers! lol I could have danced all night and many nights that's exactly what I did.......where did all that energy go?
Downtown Chicago's Rush Street and Division Street were my playgrounds, the night life was perfect and after all, I turned 21 in 1984 and didn't need my Fake ID anymore! Go Ahead and card me I dare ya! lol Out of all my 41 years, the only year I would ever go back in time and relive, just for a year mind you, was my 21st year I had the time of my life and don't regret one moment of that year.
So heres to all the Rock and Roll Princesses of the 1980s! I lift my can of Aqua Net and say cheers to you!
Now seriously folks, has anybody ever done a study on 2nd hand hair spray??? lol
Monday, September 13, 2004
Again my inspiration for today's entry came from the message board. Someone was unhappy about attention being drawn to pets instead of hungry/sick children........I donate most of my charity money to the causes of both. This entry is dedicated to every pet that has touched my life.
My First memory of any family pets, was when I was 3 yrs old and my family was stationed (Air Force) over seas in England, we had a goldfish in an ordinary bowl sitting on one of the end tables. I was worried that the fish would catch a cold by staying in the water all night, so I proceeded to catch him with my lil hand and place him in my bed, on my pillow, under the covers for the night. I must have forgot about him the next morning and when my Mother finally realized the fish was missing, I ran into my room, retrieved the fish from somewhere in my bed and plopped him back into the water.......needless to say, he didn't swim when I commanded him too. His final resting place was in the "Loo" We had numerous fish after that, but they slept in their bowls from then on.
My first dog was a St. Bernard named "Igor Von Klutz" he was pedigreed after all! lol He was the sweetest most lovable Dog in the world.....hours were spent as a child covering myself up in the snow and letting him come rescue me, hot chocolate instead of the brandy keg was my reward and tons of doggie treats for him. I was 6 years old when we got him and he lived for 8 years until his hips went out on him and he had to be put to sleep on Christmas morning.
He is always honored and missed on that day. His ashes are under the lilac bush of our childhood home which he loved so much.
My first cat was named JB after Jim Beam my fathers choice of beverage. He was black and white and hated to be placed on the stairs leading to my bedroom at night and told to go, "Night-Night!" For when I turned my back to walk away he would always chase after me and bite me in the butt,This always amused my family for hours! lol He died when he was hit by a car and my Brother buried him in the woods he so loved to play in.
I had a snapping turtle named "Oliver" after the orphan movie of course, he was brought to us when he was no bigger than an Oreo Cookie and lived to be 5 years old, never bit anybody and loved bologna, would love to climb out of his tray and swing on my Mother's living room curtains in the breeze with mud on his cute lil paws of course! lol He was laid to rest in the back yard, next to the house.
My Mother's heart was broken everytime we lost an animal so when they all had passed she said, No More animals..don't anybody bring home any more..... cats, dogs and she looked at me for some strange reason and added "babies" as usual I brought home a kitten named "Tarzan" and Cocker Spaniel puppy named "Ebony" and a few years later a baby named "Amanda".....Amanda is the only one still with me! lol She's 18. Tarzan lived for 17 years and Ebony lived for 8.
After I married my Husband, I adopted a Mutt Puppy and named him "Gizmo" looks just like the name! within that first year of marriage we started to add to our family and My husband thought 4 kids and 1 puppy wasn't enough for me so we adopted "Maxx" A pure bred Black Lab that loved to go hunting, I thought since I had a big dog and a medium dog why not get that cute lil tiny dog, "My lap dog" I found him one cold winters day abandoned and made him mine after he was bathed, groomed and brought up to date on his shots, he didn't know anything, he ate like he was starved, he was badly matted and covered in his own waste, he didn't know how to play, or climb stairs and it took him weeks to finally not be by my side, His name was "Waldo."
Last year was very difficult for me, Waldo slipped into a coma and passed away within 36 hours of his first symptom, he was less than 4 years old and had cancer. I was devastated, my kids were devastated. He was too young to die. That was February last year and in July Maxx had to be put down because both hips went out on him and he over compensated and broke his front shoulder. He was 10 years old and loved deeply, my husband stayed in the vets room with him till he took his last breath and my husband grieved for that hunting buddy of his. We all did. We just have Gizmo left he turned 13 this spring, he is the longest I have ever had a pet. He runs and plays like a pup and I can't bare to loose him. But as much grief as those animals caused me with their passing the "JOY" they brought to me and my family over powers and I couldn't image my life one day without them in it. Now matter where their final resting places are they will be forever in my heart! Thanks for the memories my furry, scaled little friends!
Sunday, September 12, 2004
As I mentioned before, there are days where I am moved to write but haven't found what I wanted to write about, those are the days I go to the Board for "Inspiration." Today I found something that moved me beyond words (almost) then beyond tears.....I am a Mother.....I view everything in life with a Mothers Heart.........below is the link to the journal that inspired me today, My comment on it became my entry into my Journal.
And everybody that goes to war calls it "Just" how can that be when so many innocents are taken? What did those children do to deserve this? And who has a place in this world for the kind of people who could do this? A soldier chooses to battle, what kind of choice did those children have? It sickens me that they, the Muslims, consider this a "Holy War" but then again, the Bible is full of "Holy Wars" isnt it? Its a no win situation, who's God is Holier? There is no correct answer when everybody believes Their God is holier, only blood shed in the name of religion. You only have to look at those pictures to see the irony of it all
Just so you know that I am not anti-war or pro-war I come from a huge military family for which I am proud of, I am proud to be an American.........I just can't accept wars in the name of Religion.
Friday, September 10, 2004
In my joy of purchasing something that I had been admiring for a while, went on sale, I inadvertently left behind my purse. Leaving everything that is of immediate importance (outside my family members) alone in the cart. Since I always park my car in the garage when I get home, I never bring my purse into the house, in doing so I wasn't even aware that I left my purse behind, until the following day when I needed my checkbook.
In going through all the "garbage" in my mind the next day I was able to back track to where I left my purse. This is an out take on what happened after that.
In my hurry and laziness to look up the phone number I called 411 instead, again in my need for speed I didn't even bother writing the number down, (my second mistake) so when the person answering the phone disconnected me while trying to transfer my call to the Customer Service desk, I had to call 411 back and get the number again (Which I wrote down this time smart girl) in getting another girl who answered the phone and re telling of my lost purse she too disconnected me while trying to transfer the call.
No Worries I had the number, right??
After telling the story again and finally getting through to the CS Desk, I told my story once again and the gentleman with the "femalish" voice asked me.....Get this.....
"Do you have anything of importance in your purse?"
"Yes, I do........don't you carry important things in your wallet? (I was still Irked over getting disconnected twice)
"Well do have anything of value in your purse?"
"Didn't I just answer this? Everything from cash, credit cards, check books to insurance cards are in there, All my children's information is in there too!"
"Well, the reason that I'm asking you this (very snotty) is because if its anything of value we keep in locked up in the safe in the managers office! otherwise its kept up behind the CS desk!"
"Its a purse! Just put me through to the Managers office PLEASE!"
He disconnects me while trying to transfer my call.....I'm fuming by now!
I call back (3rd time now) have to re-tell my story to get put through to the CS desk again so I can explain it yet again to get put through the managers office. I get so called Gentleman with the femalish voice again. He said .........
"Hold please while I transfer your call"
"Please don't disconnect me again!"
"It was an accident!!!!!"
I finally get the manager and explain everything again for what number is it now??? and she puts me on hold checks the safe, its not there, checks behind the CS desk just in case and I am finally told its not there.
"Ok thank you very much"
I proceed to call banks, social security office, the DMV, insurance companies, credit card companies and such to either put holds on accounts or cancel accounts or have new cards issued when my phone beeps........
"Mrs. so and so?"
"We found your purse, it was left in the employee lounge all night"
"Grrrrr, I'll be right there!"
I arrive and get in line to the CS Desk when I hear an all too familiar voice (Gentleman with the femalish voice), he is commenting to another employee while customers are in line, how horrible his day has been, she said she's not looking forward to working until close and proceeds to ask him,
"Has it been like this all day?"
"Worse!!!!!!!! SATAN called, she lost her purse!!!"
Satan??? I'll show him Satan!!!! I bide my time and wait for my turn and I get the girl not my new friend (lol) she says........
"Can I help you?"
"Yes, I'm Satan.........I came to get my purse!!!! I want a manager now!!!""
Yes, I know all this could have been avoided if I just remembered my purse, But common sense to me that is, if you find a purse or a wallet you open it up, do a little work, get the phone number and call the person and tell them! My Phone number was EVEN on my damn checks! I ask the manager why this wasn't done and she says.....
"We Don't want to be accused of anything so we don't open the purse"
How about being accused of being incompetent to work a telephone system, or the golden rule of never discussing customers in front of customers?? my list can go on and on but this entry is long enough. Needless to say I showed them "SATAN" and vowed to never spend another dollar in their establishment again......which I haven't!
SATAN........ HA! and I wasn't even PMSing lmaooooooo
Thursday, September 9, 2004
I can't remember how many times I looked at my First Born Child and wondered if she would ever grow up. It seems while she was home with me the first five years of her life dragged by so slowly then once she started Grade School it was a short milestone to Middle School, then on to High School which was a tumultuous blur for both of us.
Now since her graduation day things have really kicked into high gear and I can't stop time from whipping by me! I am used to a slow steady movement forward but since she's turned 18 its flying by me too fast....I'm having a hard time letting go of her and her hand.
That little hand that used to reach for mine as we crossed the street or when she became frightened, has grown into the hand of a young, strong, self assured woman. Just since graduation she has landed her first job, received her Drivers License, bought a car, and became sexually active for the first time with her steady boyfriend. How is a mother to let go?
I'm the one who wanted her to get a part time job over the summer before she starts "higher education" in the fall, I wanted her to wait till she was 18 to drive, 16 seemed to young to be operating a motor vehicle, she bought the car herself so I helped with getting the Insurance started. I am so very thankful she came to me to tell me about being sexual active, so it was off to the Doctors office we went, for her first gynecological check up and to discuss birth control options, I always insisted she carry rubbers in her purse in case of emergency, We talked about her still wanting to use them everytime regardless of other birth control methods. Too much for a mother to go through when she can remember giving birth to her baby girl in what seems like yesterday!
I wanted to get her to this point in her life, a young adult and now I want my baby girl back.....I could protect my baby girl but how does one protect their adult child? I had all the talks, I gave all the lectures, I reminded her of the evils out there........now I'm wondering if I did enough! All her steps she was taking to her future now seem like steps farther away from me. I wasn't prepared for this onslaught of emotions, these paralyzing grips with fear.
Who knew letting go of a child was more painful then giving birth to one. It's my heart out there, everytime she walks out that front door. I can remember walking out of my Mother's front door at 18, to take off for New York, never once looking back and now I think about how much it must have pained her to see her baby girl walk out that door.
We give birth to them, we love them, we guide them, we prepare them for life...........Now I'm the one who needs help in letting go!
Today is my Mother's 67th Birthday! And I worship the ground her shadow falls on. I wasn't the easiest child to raise, I was high spirited and had no fear and She always said every gray hair on her head was given to her by me. And for that I am truly sorry I am also sorry she put the Mother's revenge curse on me too! lol She looked me in the eye at some point in my early life and said,"I hope you have a child just like you!" And WHAM what happened to me........I was blessed with 4 of them! lol...........So this is for My Mother.
Mom, I want to tell you how much I love, honor and respect you. You are an amazing woman and my one wish in life is to be at least half the woman you are, so here are a few things I am so very grateful for because of you!
For always loving me even when I wasn't very lovable.
For always putting my needs ahead of yours.
For loving Daddy with all your heart.
For being able to leave Daddy because it was the best thing for your children.
For always doing the right thing.
For always talking to me even when you thought I wasn't listening, I was, I just didn't apply it to that time in my life, but I hear it all loud and clear now.
For keeping me fed, clothed and a roof over my head.
For punishing me every time I deserved it.
For saying sorry when you were wrong even when I was a child and you were an adult. That taught me sooo much!
For passing down your amazing blue eyes, for which I always get complimented on.
For giving me my Brother Michael and my Sister Kelly.
For never breaking my spirit.
For having me and giving me life for I was the proverbial "Oops baby."
And last but not least.....
For never giving up on me even though I had, your love and wisdom pulled me through it all and I survived "me"
I love you Mom.....Happy Birthday!
Wednesday, September 8, 2004
Well, they say once you know how to ride a bike you will always know how to ride a bike right? This I found to be true, but what they don't tell you is how uncomfortable the "seat" becomes the older you get! lol! I did get the balance thing right away and the breaking without going over the handle bars.... But that seat! I can't believe how uncomfortable that seat is! lol Or is it the fact that my behind is soooo much larger than the seat now? Hmmmmmmmm, I refuse to deal with that! lol So in the meantime, until they make a seat say..... the size of a Lazy Boy, I'm leaving bike riding in my childhood!
This brings me to the thought, "Can I still roller skate and ice skate?" I used to be very good at that as a child, I was a natural! forward....backward......bunny hop....hokey pokey........ no problem! What's stopping me you ask? The thought of me.... In a BODY CAST! And what's with these weak ankles?? I walk on them with no problem but they hurt like hell in skates!!!! Hmmmmmm maybe I should see if I can still walk in my Stiletto's? lol
Now this had me wondering about the hoola-hoop, so I try that again, I used to be able to hoola-hoop for hours! Ok, I know I can still dance, I have the best Latin rhythm a good Irish girl could possibly have! But what's with the hoola-hoop? I swing my hips this way, and that way, and the thing drops to the ground not even making one rotation!!! OMG! is this how "Stella started loosing her groove???" I shutter to think! lol
I walk, with my head hung down low, from trying to recapture a few minutes of my childhood....Oh the Shame! Well, at least I still have my computer right? Can't get hurt on the computer right? Oh Dear...... Carpal Tunnel syndrome! Silly me!...Well, at least my chair is comfy! lol
Tuesday, September 7, 2004
My journey to find "Me" again has been up to this point "freeing." I have been able without guilt, to spend some time with my thoughts and relive some of my past. Standing on the outside looking in, I'm sure many see how good I have it, I have an adoring Husband who I love very much and who I still have a major crush on ever since I first saw him 23 years ago, very handsome and very supportive. I have (4) healthy, beautiful children who "shine" in their own right, I have the nice house in a neighborhood that has won the award of "Best place to raise a family in", the stay at home and raise my children job and extended family and friends who love and enjoy me and I like who I am.
But often when I reflect back, I see things that I didn't get to do because I became a Wife and a Mother. In doing so, especially with children you give so much of yourself up or away. I remember when I was a Mother for the first time and thinking, "Ok....I've done this for about 6 weeks...When do I get a break?"....YES! I really thought that.....silly me!
Right now looking back I can't remember what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'll have to call my mother later and see if she remembers what I wanted to be. I knew that I would be married and have a family, after all with my generation isn't that drilled into our heads with our first baby doll and doll house? But somehow I thought I would have time for me. Now here I sit at 41 and I wonder where did the time go? Older, wiser people in my life tell me, "Wait.....Your turn will come" so that is what I am doing.....I am waiting for my turn to come!
Well, at least I have time to write again, which I haven't done in many years, I have time to sneak away with my camera again, and not think I must shoot roll after roll of my Children's lives. I can shoot what I find beautiful in my world and I have enough pictures of my "Beautiful Children" for now! lol
People say I have a "gift" for writing and an "eye" for the camera but I want to explore other possibilities....I want to try my hand at painting in any medium....but I don't even know where to start with that.....Then the "guilt" that comes shortly after you give birth for the first time......I mustn't do anything that will take away from my Children...... So every dime is spent on their needs, not their whims, and all my time is spent on their whims.
Yes, my turn will come....in the meantime I will keep searching for the "old Me," the "new Me" and the "Me yet to come."
Monday, September 6, 2004
I have shared so many things about what brings me joy that I thought it was time for equal billing, on what scares the hell outta me. I use humor in my everyday life, in everyday things and sometimes I use humor to chase away my fears.
Earthquakes scare the hell outta me.......I'm a midwest girl, I'm used to my sky rumbling but never my ground, I experienced my first earthquake in Los Angeles a few years ago, while celebrating the birthday of a new friend and enjoying a few Cosmopolitans! At first I wasn't sure if it was an earthquake or just the Martini's! lol
Politicians scare the hell outta me.....There's always a hidden agenda and its never for the good of the people. Even the purest of intentions get ruined by the rules of the game. And in politics you have to "PLAY" the game if you want to be "IN" the game.
Religious zealots scare the hell outta me.......For in their belief they think they are the "Righteous" and the "Just" over other mankind.....when NO MAN is higher than GOD
Drunk drivers scare the hell outta me....For their total lack of regard to their own life and the lives of the innocents that happen to be traveling the same road they are. Know when to say "WHEN!"
Ships scare the hell outta me..........For some unknown reason......hmmmm maybe I wasn't one of the surviving passengers on the Titanic in another life! lol
White utility vans scare the hell outta me......Because when I was home alone at the age of 12, a man tried to break into my house and abduct me ( He knew I was home alone, he watched me, he watched the house). I had called the police (my parents drilled safety into our heads at an early age) his van was found, parked down the street, hidden in the shadows with the side door wide open for me to be thrown into. (another story- another entry someday perhaps)
Bears scare the hell outta me.........So much I can't even go there! lol One too many stories of when "Grizzly's Attack" by the campfire I suppose!
Scary movies scare the hell outta me.......some of my childhood was spent in real fear...so the thought of spending money to relive that "fear" in the pit of my stomach again for "thrills" totally escapes me! Give me comedy!
Well, I've vented for long enough today! Please feel free to share with me what scares the hell outta you! lol
Sunday, September 5, 2004
September 11th has come to mean many things to this country. It was definitely the defining moment of my life. I was just a baby when President Kennedy was shot and killed, I was a small child and protected from the war in Viet Nam even though most of my family was on active duty, I didn't understand enough about politics to know what Watergate meant. With me, I can say I knew where I was the days the Space Shuttles exploded (both of them) and I was glued to the TV during Desert Storm, and my heart broke with the Kansas City bombing, But I felt September 11th, 2001 all the way to my core, it shattered my "Happily Ever After"
For now I knew what it was like to live in fear, it happened on American soil, it wasn't a far off "war torn country."
It took living one day at a time to move on with my life, to live it for those that could no longer live theirs. It is now in their honor I live and enjoy life as an American again. This is my tribute, written when I was able to "feel" again and move on. It is my resolve.
September 11, 2001 Memorial
I thought I knew fear
Until September 11, 2001
I thought I knew pain
Until September 11, 2001
I thought IKnew terror
Until September 11, 2001
I thought I knew grief
Until September 11, 2001
I thought I knew despair
Until September 11, 2001
I thought I knew peace
Until September 11, 2001
I thought I knew freedom
Until September 11, 2001
I thought I knew patriotism
Until September 11, 2001
I thought I knew respect
Until September 11, 2003
I thought I knew honor
Until September 11, 2001
I thought I couldn't go on
Until September 12, 2001
Saturday, September 4, 2004
Weekend Assignment #22: Picture This
I had posted this picture in an earlier posting but at the time I wasn't able to show it up close and personal. This is Brooke and she's one of the horses at family members ranch. I wonder what animals think of us, we have them as our pets, we visit them at the Zoo, we see one in its natural habitat like a deer or an eagle and they blow us away with their innocense and beauty. I often wonder who is really entertaining who? I looked into Brookes eyes and she seemed to want to look back into mine. Soul searching perhaps?
One moment was all I asked
Did you know that you hurt me today?
Did you know that when you only
pretended to listen to me
that I felt small and insignificant?
That you could not just give me
one moment of your time
to really listen to me, that
I had something important to tell you
But you were too busy.
I know that sometimes life
takes people on different paths
and it takes awhile to cross again
But I thought you would always
have time for me.
Time for a smile, or a laugh
the way you used to do
when we first met
But I guess "Your life"
was just to busy for me,
an old friend, one who always
had a moment to spare for you.
Maybe I'm just lucky,
lucky that I have a moment to
spare for somebody else
or Maybe you just meant more to me
then to waste that moment on me, myself.
Maybe someday when your life
slows down, if only for a minute
you'll realize that I'm gone,
that I'm not there anymore,
But then again maybe it never
really was about me anyway
Copyright 2004 kmh
Friday, September 3, 2004
I am finding that "journaling" is pretty much like a day at the beach.
You can either choose to sit by the side and watch the other swimmers/journalers dive deep and come up for a breath of fresh air or you can watch the others who tentatively sit at the waters edge testing the water first, saying its too cold or too deep for them.
Sitting at the edge can be a scary place, If I fall in without a splash will somebody even see me, If I go in too deep and I am unable to find my way back to the surface will somebody jump in to save me. How will I feel once I'm surrounded by other swimmers/journalers, will their splashing wet my appetite for more?
Trusting and just letting go is a very hard thing to do, my words will be like a bathing suit on my body exposing areas I might not be ready to expose. I have sat on the edge long enough, its time I dove in head and heart first and realize the freedom that follows sometimes in just letting go! Sometimes I will just tread water and barely skim the surface of me and other times I will go deep and hold my breath for as long as I can before I kick with all my might back to the surface where I feel safe. But either way I will get wet this time!.......marco!..........polo!.........marco.......polo!..... come find me just don't get my hair wet!! lol
Getting over the blame game
I don't know too many people that haven't been scarred by something in their past, especially their childhood. We are products of our parents child rearing, their successes and their failures. It's not all their fault if its something that has been passed from one generation to the next. Somewhere, somehow, someone has to break the cycle.
In my family it was alcohol abuse and rage. Both sets of my Grandparents were raging alcoholics, if it goes back farther than that I can't be sure, either every one has passed on or no one will admit the truth, but in my family it seems to be a learned "behavior"
After going through therapy and seeing how things came down the "line" and knowing long before therapy that if I wanted the cycle to be broken it would have to start with me. My Mother broke her own cycle by choosing not to drink, but she ended up marrying a man that couldn't help himself. So in the end, the cycle continued.
My father was the oldest of 7 children, he seemed to take the brunt of my grandfathers alcoholic rage, therefore when he became one himself he took it out on his first born, my brother, who in turn took it out on my older sister and myself. He was my abuser, my tormentor the one who tried to break me. Its hard to hold anything from my past against my brother now that we are both adults for he is not my abuser anymore (scared too I'm sure) and I am not the scared little girl unable to speak up for myself in fear of being beaten. (again) Telling on him was not an option, the threat was a beating worse than before.
I broke the cycle for myself, I broke it by speaking about it. I broke it by not marrying anyone like my father, I broke it by getting help. I was harder on my first born like my family before me, but I saw what I was doing early enough to stop it. I had to learn to let go of the "rage." I had to stop being the victim and realize it was over and I survived, and I had to realize somewhere someone had it way harder than me and I was humbled by that.
In my teen years I more than dabbled with drugs, alcohol( self medication?) and taking many chances with my life (literally) I was pushing the envelope to see how far I could push it and survive, at what point would I feel alive and say, "whoa!" I walked away from everything when I found out I was having a child of my own.
I quit the drugs, the booze, the risks and even the cigarettes that I had taken up at the wise old age of 12. I was going to be a Mom and I was 22. For that child I was going to break all the cycles. I am stunned by the fact that most people can't give up that kind of lifestyle for the sake of their children. If I expect my children to abstain from that kind of behavior than I must too! So when each of my children finished their drug awareness programs in grade school and came home and asked me if I too could pass a drug test or a sobriety test, with a clear conscious I could say YES!
I wonder, could you?
Thursday, September 2, 2004
I have a wonderful Mother, a strong independent woman who has taught me many things, most of which was taught simply by observing her. My only regret was not being able to talk to her when I was a troubled teen. She was born late in my Grandparents life, they were in their 40's. Both of her parents where born in the late 1800s. Talking and be able to discuss things of my decade of trouble, the 1970s, was something she couldn't do. I gave up on waiting for her to talk to me about the "Birds and the Bees" a long time ago.
Because of this inability to talk about things that were happening in my generation, I fell victim to myself and not only experimented with things, they became parts of my daily life during my tumultuous teen years. The only thing I would do differently as a parent than my parents, was that I would make it easy for my children to come to me and discuss anything and I mean ANYTHING!
I have kept that promise. I felt if the child is intelligent enough to ask me the question then they are ready for the answer, we have discussed everything from my misspent youth, to sex and its diseases, drugs, alcohol and death. I was an unusual Kool-aid Mom.
I used terms and language that they could understand for their age but I did not candy coat anything! Real life is too difficult as a teen to candy coat any of it.
Being open and honest with my teens has helped me to keep them safe, how many teenagers would say, "Mom I'm going out" and then only be gone 20 minutes to return home and tell me "Their friends were going into Chicago to buy drugs and that just isn't their scene!" So they were dropped off early. For them to not only NOT take the drugs, but then to come home and tell me why they were home early only made me sure I was doing a good job in keeping them safe.
This has a downside to it too! In order for them to feel safe to tell me certain things, sometimes I have to do an "Academy winning performance" in keeping a poker face when the inside of me is a screaming, "HELP, I'm not ready for this!" I have sat there through some stories from not only my kids but their friends too, who are unable to talk or ask their own parents certain things but really want to know the answers. Like......."I always use protection during sex but I don't think its necessary for oral sex" Some of these teens didn't know you could pass along sexually transmitted diseases through oral sex! Again, poker faced I had to educate them.
I've had friends of my teens attempt suicide or over dose and then call me at the last minute because they "think" they just did something stupid, and between me, 911 and the EMT's got them the help they needed. I always wondered if these other kids parents would want me to have these lil talks with their children. It only took one parent to make me realize it was a good thing. Her daughter was the one I saved last summer from an over dose, She said, "I am glad that if mine and my daughters relationship is one that we cannot talk to one another, she at least has you to come to!"
So I keep my cell phone on and my front door open and my poker face fresh....after all I have two more children to get through their teen years and probably a few of their friends too!
What brings me joy
The laughter of my children
My Husbands smile
Standing at the Oceans edge
The sound of Wind Chimes
My Mothers love
A Father playing with his child
An old couple still holding hands
First time Parents and newborn Babies
Kites and hot air balloons
A bird running instead of flying
The budding of Springtime
Falls vivid colors
The first snowfall
The "smell" of rain
The music of a tin whistle
Puppies and Kittens
Warm, windy nights
The dance of Fire
And last but not least..................True Love
Wednesday, September 1, 2004
My Day Is Tainted
Today this mind of mine is littered
with other People thoughts
I cannot get through
the heaviness of their words
Some I understand at first glance
some take 5 or 6 readings
others I will never penetrate their mind!
I look around to see a glimpse
of my original works to come
and nothing looks familiar
I see faces of other people,
of other people's children
I feel other peoples pain
I feel some one else's triumph
I have lost me and my story
in some one else's journey
So......I write this
in my confusion
KMH Copyright 2004
This shot was taken right before daybreak following an ice storm. The beautiful blue you see is what was left of the night sky and the white willowy explosions are the ice that has formed on the trees branches. It reminds me of fire works exploding in the night sky. This picture calms me every time I view it. It is almost "abstract" in nature. It is one of my all time favs!
I hope you find your own kind of beauty in it!
All pictures showed in this Journal are taken by me unless otherwise noted and have copyright protection on day that they are featured.