I have a wonderful Mother, a strong independent woman who has taught me many things, most of which was taught simply by observing her. My only regret was not being able to talk to her when I was a troubled teen. She was born late in my Grandparents life, they were in their 40's. Both of her parents where born in the late 1800s. Talking and be able to discuss things of my decade of trouble, the 1970s, was something she couldn't do. I gave up on waiting for her to talk to me about the "Birds and the Bees" a long time ago.
Because of this inability to talk about things that were happening in my generation, I fell victim to myself and not only experimented with things, they became parts of my daily life during my tumultuous teen years. The only thing I would do differently as a parent than my parents, was that I would make it easy for my children to come to me and discuss anything and I mean ANYTHING!
I have kept that promise. I felt if the child is intelligent enough to ask me the question then they are ready for the answer, we have discussed everything from my misspent youth, to sex and its diseases, drugs, alcohol and death. I was an unusual Kool-aid Mom.
I used terms and language that they could understand for their age but I did not candy coat anything! Real life is too difficult as a teen to candy coat any of it.
Being open and honest with my teens has helped me to keep them safe, how many teenagers would say, "Mom I'm going out" and then only be gone 20 minutes to return home and tell me "Their friends were going into Chicago to buy drugs and that just isn't their scene!" So they were dropped off early. For them to not only NOT take the drugs, but then to come home and tell me why they were home early only made me sure I was doing a good job in keeping them safe.
This has a downside to it too! In order for them to feel safe to tell me certain things, sometimes I have to do an "Academy winning performance" in keeping a poker face when the inside of me is a screaming, "HELP, I'm not ready for this!" I have sat there through some stories from not only my kids but their friends too, who are unable to talk or ask their own parents certain things but really want to know the answers. Like......."I always use protection during sex but I don't think its necessary for oral sex" Some of these teens didn't know you could pass along sexually transmitted diseases through oral sex! Again, poker faced I had to educate them.
I've had friends of my teens attempt suicide or over dose and then call me at the last minute because they "think" they just did something stupid, and between me, 911 and the EMT's got them the help they needed. I always wondered if these other kids parents would want me to have these lil talks with their children. It only took one parent to make me realize it was a good thing. Her daughter was the one I saved last summer from an over dose, She said, "I am glad that if mine and my daughters relationship is one that we cannot talk to one another, she at least has you to come to!"
So I keep my cell phone on and my front door open and my poker face fresh....after all I have two more children to get through their teen years and probably a few of their friends too!
6 comments:
I thank God that I had adults I could talk to when I was a teenager, because a similar generational problem existed in my family. I try to keep on talking with my daughter, and inside I'm crying, help, too.
AS YOU ALREADY KNOW, I WAS BORN VERY LATE IN MY PARENTS LIFE. AND THAT MY MOTHER PASSED AWAY WHEN I WAS NINE. LEAVING ME WITH A STEP MOTHER TO TELL ME ABOUT LIFE. SHE DID ALRIGHT. BUT IT WAS LIKE TAKING A HEALTH CLASS ALL OVER AGAIN. MY PARENTS WERENT RAISED TO TALK WITH THEIR CHILDREN ABOUT THIS STUFF,. OR I SHOULD SAY MY FATHER AND STEPMOTHER WERENT., MY REAL MOTHER WAS A VERY OPEN DOWN TO EARTH, AND NATURAL WOMAN, WHO DIDNT BELIEVE THE BODY OR SEX TO BE DIRTY, BUT DIDNT WANT HER CHILDREN TO EXPERIENCE SEX TIL THEY GOT MARRIED,. AND THAT WAS DUE MOSTLY TO HER RELIGION, ANYWAYS, I WENT THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION OF EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY . AND TO SHORTEN THIS VERY LONG COMMENT, I WILL JUST SAY,,,,,I RAISED MY CHILDREN UP THE EXACT SAME WAY YOU DID YOURS. OPEN, HONEST, AND SINCERE. THAT THEY COULD TELL ME ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL,. I KNOW ALL ABOUT THE POKER FACE TOO KIDDO. NOT ALWAYS AN EASY THING TO PULL OF , IS IT??? :)
ANOTHER DYNAMITE ENTRY!
KIM.
I admire your stance and convictions...it's so hard to raise kids today..Mine are abit older now...but I went through similiar events with them. Every generation believes it's them against the world, no one is right except them....I guess we call that a circle of life! Just give us alot of strength ... Sandi
oh i so know what you mean...i never had openesss with my mom as a child, and i have always been open, honest and truthful with my kids, i never make things secret for them, cause its reality....sometimes i find my kids friends lingering here cause they like my open communication and have even gad parents call me telling me thanks....weird aint it..i guess some people just can't deal with reality. I of course live it!!!!!
even though we are generations apart in age...i know the feeling when it comes to NOT being able to talk to your parents. my teenage years weren't exactly troubled...the only things i experimented with were weed and sex, and the ocassional missed day of school. but my mother (who is really my birth mother's step mother...whew, there's a mouthful) is three times my age! speakin to her about anything was all but impossible. but like you, i have vowed to make things different for my son. he's only three, but he already knows that mommy will listen to whatever it is he has in his lil heart to say. and as far as your children's friends confiding in you...i used to do it all the time, with my best friend's mother. my mom was a little hurt that i didn't talk to her, but she was happy that i was at least talking. keep up the good work...you are obviously a knight in shining armor to some very important people, and that's what matters most :D
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