Monday, August 7, 2006

Soft place to land.......

I finally needed a soft place to land last night, so when I crawled into bed last night and then into my Jim's arms..........all the tears finally came.....so did the hic cups, but he say's I have the cutest hic cups in the world anyway! lol

It wasn't a wild angry cry like the one given by Sally Fields at her daughter's funeral (Julia Roberts) when she finally looses it in the movie "Steel Magnolias" That has to be the best acted part of a movie I have ever seen and then when the woman whose role was played by Olympia Dukakis  (for comedy relief) tells Sally Fields character to "take a whack at Ouiser!" Ouiser's role was played by Shirley MacLaine (love her!) because she is so angry with the passing of her daughter..........that part still cracks me up every time, almost piss in my pants kinda belly laugh...mine was more quiet, hardly any noise.......just hot, salty tears running down my face onto my Husbands chest.....he just let me cry safely in his arms and let everything finally catch up to me in silence...........just his free hand running smoothly through my hair........another beautiful moment in a beautiful life touched by cancer.

When the tears stopped falling and Jim quietly asked if I was crying because I have cancer.....I shook my head no.......he then asked if it was because I was scared......again I shook my head no. A few minutes went by again, then he asked if it was because I was loosing my left breast....again I shook my head no.........he asked is it your hair? Are you sad because you are going to loose all your hair? ..........again I shook my head no.

Finally when I was able to find my voice again, I said It's not because I have cancer, or I going to miss my breast, my hair and my good health..........I just don't want to miss "LIFE" Saturday night at the lake when I was sitting there watching my friends and family all chatting amongst themselves, the adults talking and sharing their week with one another, the little kids fishing off the pier, the teenager girls trying to catch the eyes of the other teenage boys........it was life as it was happening, and I was keenly aware for that one moment I could loose all of this......I had a fleeting moment wondering.... if this cancer is bigger than me.......I am going to miss all this and that is why the tears fell.

Today I woke up and went to the gym....the warrior in me came back, accompanied by the teacher andfor all the other women there, I exposed my breast (now there's a surprise right???.....NOT!! LOL) I let them see the biopsy site, I let them feel what a bad lump feels like and I once again felt my optimistic self.

I meet with the plastic surgeon tomorrow at 1:00..........surgery will be right around the corner....could be anytime Tuesday or right after that.......I'll post what I know, when I know it..........

Have you examined your breasts today???

31 comments:

ashleekr said...

I am glad you took the chance to grieve, even if for just a moment.....
Hugs to you, Ash

nelishianatl said...

Such a fighter!  You did have a soft place to land!  I thank God for it.  You're not going to miss out on anything.  You're here for a long, long time.  Your positive attitude will contribute to a fast recovery.  You'll see.
Nelishia
http://journals.aol.com/nelishianatl/Wishingandhoping/

mosie1944 said...

My mother-in-law used to cry over this or that, and if anyone tried to comfort her, she'd say, "Just leave me alone.  I'll have my cry and get it over with, and then I'll be fine."  

Sometimes crying is therapuetic.

thinkingoutloud said...

You are bound to have moments like last night.  It's just going to happen. Don't forget that you are human:)
And I did do a self-exam last night; thanks to you.
Thank you!
Love n prayers-
Niki

psychfun said...

Good for you on exposing your breast! Now who was in the gym? More men or women. It would be great for men to see so they see what we go through, what real beauty & self-esteem is & for them to remind their wives etc!

I'm glad you are feeling better now.

angcrewswife said...

You will only miss out on what you allow yourself to miss out on. You needed to take that moment to rebuild yourself and seemed to bounce right back.  My fingers are crossed for a good appointment tomorrow.
Yep, I checked mine.

nolefan38 said...

You are in my prayers, I don't know where you find the strenght, my hats off to you, I love that movie too! Love and hugs, Sherry

candlejmr said...

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nolefan38 said...

I just remembered something, hug your hubby for me, I am so glad you have a safe place to land, we all need  that-- made me remember how much my Joe means to me and just knowing he would be right there with me too brings me such joy of knowing we are loved. Hugs, Sherry

sangrialel said...

Tears are good, espically when someone is there that you feel safe with.  I am glad the warrior is back!  Linda

sunflowerkat321 said...

It will be easier to maintain that fighter attitude if you let those emotions out when they come.  Unexpressed emotion creates stress and we all know that stress impares our health.  So cry when you have to....and then go punch the lights out of that cancer!

pippa1116 said...

good for you for finally letting go. and for picking right back up again to fight!
tina

katie39041 said...

I have your journal on my fav list, i have been away a while and just checked in on you. Im so sorry you are having to deal with cancer. I have to say what a wonderful brave lady you are. letting other women feel and see your breast could save one of them in the future. you have made all those ladys aware on what lumps and what the breast looks like, i for one are so very proud to know you. your in my daily prayers and thoughts
love
katie  
http://journals.aol.co.uk/katie39041/KATIESDIARY/

aniracj said...

I admit I have not examined today, but I had a mammogram a few days ago and it came back clear yesterday. I do check as a rule though! So amazing of you to do that for the class for them to actually find out what it would feel like.......so many of us are totally unaware of what we are feeling for! Tears and hiccups, Lol, I know I should not laugh but it sounds so cute. Steel Magnolias, lovely film, one of my all time favourites. love Joan.
http://journals.aol.co.uk/aniracj/StrannyDayze/
http://journals.aol.co.uk/aniracj/TheBandAyleysComet/

imshadowraven2 said...

the broad slipped for a bit and the feelings slipped out but u got your self in check and went out and did what any good broad would do show her tata's to anyone who could learn something. I love you cancer and all...............Robin

chat2missie said...

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stevietwain said...

My heart's with you hun!!
If you need a chat, you know where I am!!

Lv Stevie
xxx

samnsmile5 said...

And the best place to fall in your husbands arms!!   You have a wonderful man to support, love and cry with you.

Michele

ajquinn354 said...

You'll do fine dear and will have time to keep making those wonderful memories. You may just need a little time to recuperate, but you'll do fine dear. Wow so proud of you for letting the other women at the gym see and learn about lumps and to have them checked.  Do you realize how many people you not only touched by this but, helped.  What a wonderful, loving husband you have, you are indeed blessed......take care.....will be here for you.....All of you are in my thoughts and prayer.......AJ (Arlene)

pharmolo said...

You're courageous - carry right on...

http://journals.aol.co.uk/pharmolo/NorthernTrip

siennastarr said...

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bmorrrick said...

Oh Kim,

I'm so glad you have such an incredible husband to support you through this medical dilemna.....sounds like he's perfect for you and knows exactly how to respond and help.  A good marriage is such a blessing, isn't it?  I admire how you are handling all of this and commend you on educating so many people both online and in person.  You're really special!!

Take Care,
~Bilinda~

texasinheart said...

Oh my, I passed along by today and wanted to tell you, I'm praying and thinking about you.  Thank the Lord for your hubby, Jim. What a sweet, sweet heart he has.  I'm so glad you have him to lean on.  Stay strong. It's okay to have your moments, we all do. . . but kick the sh^t out of this cancer.
HUGS!
Have a good evening,
Holly

mariebm56 said...

{{{KIM}}}
I've been reading your Journal on & off the past 2 weeks.
Been away the past week & using my daughter's computer, which was not working very well.  So I was unable to read & respond to often.
ANYWAYS.....When you first mentioned your cancer, I had no idea how to respond.  YOu had an amazing attitude, you seemed very strong.  Now you need to lean on your husband.  He is there for you.  I know everything will work out for the best & will keep you in my prayers.  IT'S OK TO CRY.
Hang in there........
Marie

xomywayox said...

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am4039 said...

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mzgoochi said...

crying is as theraputic as laughter in my book. (((Kim)))

I love, love, love that movie and all of the actresses in it. They all did a great job but Sally Field and Shirley Maclaine are most definitley my favorites.

Love you and God Bless you!

caromarls said...

Kim - we have picked up our shields and our spears (I'm from Africa!!) and we are ready for battle!!  We will NOT let this cancer think it can win - prayer, strength and a strong, positive outlook will prevail. You are the strongest woman I've ever come across and I KNOW your weapons are sharpened and ready. There is going to be a battle and we do expect some casualties (poor boob!), but what a party we'll have when it's all over!  Stay strong - we're all here for you!.  Love, Caroline
http://journals.aol.com/caromarls/ANewAdventure

inafrnz247 said...

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cneinhorn said...

actually yes, today in the shower i did.  and it's because of reading your words everyday.  so thank you.  

lanurseprn said...

It sounds like you have a very tender relationship with Jim. You are blessed.  With your strength and his, you will get through this together.
Pamela