I finally needed a soft place to land last night, so when I crawled into bed last night and then into my Jim's arms..........all the tears finally came.....so did the hic cups, but he say's I have the cutest hic cups in the world anyway! lol
It wasn't a wild angry cry like the one given by Sally Fields at her daughter's funeral (Julia Roberts) when she finally looses it in the movie "Steel Magnolias" That has to be the best acted part of a movie I have ever seen and then when the woman whose role was played by Olympia Dukakis (for comedy relief) tells Sally Fields character to "take a whack at Ouiser!" Ouiser's role was played by Shirley MacLaine (love her!) because she is so angry with the passing of her daughter..........that part still cracks me up every time, almost piss in my pants kinda belly laugh...mine was more quiet, hardly any noise.......just hot, salty tears running down my face onto my Husbands chest.....he just let me cry safely in his arms and let everything finally catch up to me in silence...........just his free hand running smoothly through my hair........another beautiful moment in a beautiful life touched by cancer.
When the tears stopped falling and Jim quietly asked if I was crying because I have cancer.....I shook my head no.......he then asked if it was because I was scared......again I shook my head no. A few minutes went by again, then he asked if it was because I was loosing my left breast....again I shook my head no.........he asked is it your hair? Are you sad because you are going to loose all your hair? ..........again I shook my head no.
Finally when I was able to find my voice again, I said It's not because I have cancer, or I going to miss my breast, my hair and my good health..........I just don't want to miss "LIFE" Saturday night at the lake when I was sitting there watching my friends and family all chatting amongst themselves, the adults talking and sharing their week with one another, the little kids fishing off the pier, the teenager girls trying to catch the eyes of the other teenage boys........it was life as it was happening, and I was keenly aware for that one moment I could loose all of this......I had a fleeting moment wondering.... if this cancer is bigger than me.......I am going to miss all this and that is why the tears fell.
Today I woke up and went to the gym....the warrior in me came back, accompanied by the teacher andfor all the other women there, I exposed my breast (now there's a surprise right???.....NOT!! LOL) I let them see the biopsy site, I let them feel what a bad lump feels like and I once again felt my optimistic self.
I meet with the plastic surgeon tomorrow at 1:00..........surgery will be right around the corner....could be anytime Tuesday or right after that.......I'll post what I know, when I know it..........
Have you examined your breasts today???