Thursday, July 7, 2005

Free Falling

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I feel as if I'm free falling a little bit because of the last few days. I had to deal with some flash backs back to a rough childhood, and I have my Brother to thank for that, but of course I hold my ground well, because I am a grown woman and not a small defenseless little girl anymore. Every once in a while your dysfunctional childhood can try and grab you and take you down again, but hey......I am a warrior. He tried to apologize after the incident, but I wasn't open to accepting it at this point.

I am tired of wondering when he is going to go off again, so with steel in my eyes, I told him, "You might get away with talking to your wife this way, but not me.. I'm not your wife......now get away from me." Rage, explosive and unpredictable, is something that he has had to deal with his whole life, it is something that I had to deal with my whole childhood, I do NOT have to deal with now, I refuse to. Since his little tirade took place in front of others who have only heard how rough my childhood was, they actually got to witness it, in the end he was the one who looked like an ass......true colors came shining through, there is another side of him, a loving, funny, charming side to him, but I know this other side too well, my sister and I both do.

Tuesday I had to put my beloved 14 + year old dog "Gizmo" down......I did this alone, I cried like a baby and unfortunately made the Vet Tech too. I walked in with my companion and left with just a collar, a leash and a lock of fur. My only comfort is that Gizmo is now with his buddy Madd Maxx our black Lab that we had to put down in 2003.......there are back to being inseparable. I miss both my lil fur balls immensely and now I have to watch my puppy wander from room to room looking for his old friend, Gizmo. Boo was Gizzy's seeing/hearing eye dog, whenever Gizzy would get lost in the back yard due to him loosing his sight and hearing, alls I would have to say is "Go find Gizzy!" and Boo would go find him and grab him gently by his ear and guide him safely into the house. Boo would wake Gizzy up in the same gentle manner every morning so they could go out and spend the cool morning in the yard together. I kept him with me as long as it was in hisbest interest, but he was starting to be unable to keep his food down, and there was blood in his stool and I knew that it was time now, I didn't want to wait until he was in pain.



Then yesterday on my way home from errands, I saw all kinds of rescue equipment at a small lake that my Son likes to fish at in the neighborhood. He wanted to go fishing yesterday morning but I told him to wait until his Dad came home from work, he doesn't always listen to me so I was immediately struck with fear when I drove up to that lake. There was a fatal drowning, but my boy was safe at home.... But someone else lost someone dear to them...... It's still under investigation and it's still very surreal to me...I had to leave there immediately, the feeling of deep sadness permeated the air around that lake and it was suffocating.

I know that someone, somewhere is having a more difficult time than I am right now, I am aware of that at all times.....I am blessed and I am thankful.

15 comments:

jcole16757 said...

Sorry to hear about your beloved Gizmo.  That's always such a difficult thing to do because animals become such a part of the family.  I'm sure your heart skipped several beats when approaching the lake with the emergency.  Sad of the drowning but happy to know your son was home safe and sound.  Hoping things pick up for you soon!

judithheartsong said...

I am so sorry for all that is happening in your world. I am thinking of you. love, judi

awen1122 said...

Your journal is one of my absolute favorites, I don't always comment, but sometimes I am just absolutely compelled to.  Our family dog, which we had for 14 years passed away a few years ago.  At the time she was living with me. Reading your entry brought back the feeling of loss I had, I was an emotional wreck, and I completely know how you are feeling.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and Gizmo.  Pets become something more than just a "pet", they are most certainly a member of the family.  I am so sorry hunny!!

I am very glad your son is safe, I can't imagine the fear you were feeling when you thought something might have happend to him.  Hugs!  Kell

hadonfield78 said...

Your words speak of true beauty of the captured emotions you have. I am so thankful that you too have gone through the fire and emerged a whole humanbeing. A line I try to remember from a movie, when one person asked another; "What do they want from me?"
The other person respnded; "Whatever happens, be yourself, they cant take that away from you".............
In our childhoods they can take many things. Our innocence, our physical virginity, our sense of sexuality. BUT... They cannot take away our true inner self.

lazarai said...

So sorry about your dog, Kim!!! But so great your son is safe.

Hope things calm down SOON,
Carol

deabvt said...

I`m so sorry. I had to put down my 19 year old Siamese cat last year. Very hard!
http://journals.aol.com/deabvt/DeablerVT/
V

schnozbeary said...

I am so sorry about Gizmo. It's hard to lose our babies, even the furry ones. You have a solid perspective and are well-grounded in who you are, so I'm confident you will get through this... take care, Penny

dazeychic said...

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lesiira said...

I am so very sorry about your dog.  That is a really hard t hing to have to do.  I will keep  you in my prayers.  Linda

astaryth said...

It sometimes seems like life likes to pile a bunch of bad things on us all at one time... sorry this seems to be one of those times :(

I'm so sorry about Gizmos. I understand completely. One of my furbabies passed several years ago, and I was a wreck. Even though I knew it was going to come I was sooo broken up. I think I cried more over her passing than I have some people. {{{{Hugs}}}}}}
http://journals.aol.com/astaryth/AdventuresofanEclecticMind

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paisleyskys said...


Oh I am sooo sooo sorry!
What you had to do alone for Gizmo I have had to do.
I didn't think the tears would ever stop.
Sounds like you are having a tuff week but you got a handle on it.
Thank you for reminding me we are blessed and I too am thankful.

Wishing you health, happiness and laughter.
TJ~
http://journals.aol.com/vaultofsecrets/MoonDancer/
http://journals.aol.com/paisleyskys/PaisleySkys/

boiseladie said...

I am so sorry to hear about your Gizmo.  I truly know what it's like to lose a pet so dear to you, I lost my Harley last November, and it feels like yesterday at times still.  When I read about your Gizzy, then little Boo, the tears just flowed.  Here's an entry I wrote when I lost my little guy... http://journals.aol.com/boiseladie/MyWorld/entries/858  Take care.
http://journals.aol.com/boiseladie/MyWorld/  

hestiahomeschool said...

OOOhhh, I am so sorry...it is so hard to put an animal to dleep, even when it is best for the pet.  I wish I could give you a big hug...and let you know that you did not deserve to be treated poorly as a child...