Friday, August 10, 2007

TGIF!

All my life I have been in control of body...I wanted to do something I did it, without thinking twice....now here I am at 44 and I am no longer in charge of it. I had no idea of how much freedom I really had until I got sick. When I was first diagnosed and first treated with A,C & T chemo I had good days and bad days but my good days let me be the "on the go girl" I had days I could do whatever I wanted to do. Then we found out the treatment stopped working and moved onto a new chemo, I was told that it would be an easier functioning type of chemo but the side effects of the chemo really sidelined me with pain, so back on steriods I went and within 12 hours I was back to being pain free but really too weak to do anything...so now I'm on a new chemo again and I am still not in control of my body....I sleep too much, I eat too little and it seems my will is not my own right now....so damn frustrating.....I miss being able to come and go as I please.

Today was the first time I left the house on my own in over a month even if it was just for coffee, it felt so good to get out on my own, behind the wheel  :) More than anything I want all my strength back so I can come and go as I please....I hope this is the chemo that works and that we can finally get me on a regular schedule so far it's been a year of trying to adjust to something....new chemo's, new side effects...I just want more normal days.

I will be posting a picture soon (kinda graphic) of the tumors that are visible on the outside of my reconstructed left boob. Most tumors are on the inside and you are only able to feel it, but I want you to see what it can look like too. I's so weird to know that here I am taking all this treatment and my body continues to grow these damn tumors! Jim can feel the ones along my spine and said that they are much smaller than they were before I started this new chemo....I just hope this one doesn't crap out on my like the last two...the one on my left boob doesn't look like it's changed much....I'm just hoping for a huge drop in my tumor maker test. (Find out Monday)

I know so many of you that read my blog have either gone through cancer yourself or are taking care of someone who is, so I just wanted to share this new thing I'm going through...loss of freedom and how very frustrating it is for me and that it a new aspect for me to deal with and that the person you might be taking care of no matter what the illness is might be experiencing the same thing but not able to articulate it just yet.

Have a great weekend everybody....I'm going to the lake! And I'm driving myself! lol

55 comments:

psychfun said...

And it is not just Cancer that can help you understand that. So many other ailments & injuries! I understand it also having injured my foot 7 years ago & for 3 1/2 years going through 6 doctors until they found out what was wrong & that I lost 92% of a muscle by then. Then it screwed up my back from limping for so long. Last three summers post surgery I seem to retear it, last weekend I did something to it and all I did was go to the zoo for 5 hours & really I did sit a lot there so...? VERY FRUSTRATING!!! I long for the days when I use to do 4 MAJOR craftshows in a day! HA! Or go to 3 malls & cover the place! It is still my goal & when I get these herniated disks treated & this foot settles down I'm off again! I'm so thrilled you are getting out now...just think of it as a pit stop like the Nascar racers, in the pits (literally maybe Ha!) for a bit & then you can peel out again when they fix ya up! :-)

lanurseprn said...

I hope your new chemo does the trick. Keeping you in my prayers each day.
Hugs..Pam

lmitc89854 said...

Have a good time at the lake!  Wish I was there! HOt hot, hot here!

malagutigrrl said...

I have different ailemnts (an aging mother and MS) but I read you for inspiration.  You truly are.  
:)

hugsdoodlewacky said...

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sybilsybil45 said...

Have a wonderful weekend.  It was so good that you were able to get behind the wheel today...one little step...leads onwards..Good on you.  take care.Have a lovely time at the Lake.  I am away next week to Scotland but you will be in my prayers as always.  Love  Sybil xxxx

sangrialel said...

I am glad to hear that Jim thinks some of the tumors are getting smaller.  I hope you feel better soon.  Linda

astoriasand said...

So pleased once again to hear from you Kim.How thoughtful to write this and think of helping others when you have so much else to think of.You are amazing.I hope you have a fantstic time and Enjoy to the full as much as you can.Happy to read Jim thought the ones had reduced in size.The next ones will probably folllow suit.You are slowly winning them Kim.Keep it up girl.Prayers being said thousandfold for all of you.Have a brilliant time you and Jim.Safe journeys there and back.Go driver Go. LOL!!Take Care God Bless Kath
astoriasand http://journals.aol.co.uk/astoriasand/MYSIMPLERHYMES

bmorrrick said...

Hi Kim,

Good for you, going out for coffee and driving to the lake!  I'm sure that will lift your spirits.  I totally understand this entry and know what you mean.  I have a dear friend who is going through some terrible health issues and she can't get out at all, except to go to different doctors, with her husband driving her there.  Poor thing, she gets so depressed.  It's amazing how everyone kind of takes their good health for granted until we start having problems, huh?  I know I have done that myself.  I hope you have a great time at the lake and that you get some good news on Monday.  Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers daily, as always.

Take Care,
~Bilinda~

siennastarr said...

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preciousone25 said...

Kim, I'm really proud of you for sharing so much of yourself with us.... I've never had to deal with this disease close up, but my heart still somehow understands the frustation you're going through, and my prayers are with you that they find the right treatment to take away every single cancerous cell and give you your freedom back!!!

Joann

sdoscher458 said...

(((Kim))) Wish I could give you a big hug in person. Did your doctor ever mention that medicine Requip? It's supposed to boost your energy level a little when you are doing chemo. Glad you are getting out a bit, have fun dear...you are in my thoughts and prayers...love, Sandi

kirkbyj05 said...

I had 8 months of chemo with 3 weeks of radiotherapy on my breast and neck.  Its been over a year since I finished with my  treatment.  I got the all clear from bone scans, bloods and x-rays a couple of months ago. Epirubicin and CMF were my poisons and they were so fatiguing. I still get fatigued from time to time but knowing how you are still going through so much still, makes me shut my mouth when I feel like moaning.  I am lucky to hopefully be finished with it all.  I pray regularly for you Kim.  I have asked others on my favourit prayer page, the address is on my journal page, to pray for you also. Enjoy this bit of freedom and energy my friend and make the most of your lake visit too.  God Bless you and keep you safe.
Hugs  Jeanie  xx
http://journals.aol.co.uk/kirkbyj05/DaytoDayLifeintheLakes

faithmtn said...

Cancer and any chronic illness can rob a person of independence and feeling like themselves. I have had to mourn the person I was before I got sick, and learn to accept and love the woman who replaced her. The hardest part, for me, is asking for help; it's emotional agony. I try not to look too far down the road and stay in the moment.

Feel better soon Kim and triumph in the little victories! Wishing you healing and wellness.

chat2missie said...

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ajquinn354 said...

Kim, always thinking of you dear.....it's not easy going through what you have been for the past year, it makes a big change in what you know as "Kim's Normal Day to Day" for sure.  Just know we all are here for you and hoping you get good results on your tumor maker test on Monday, that's our wish for you dear. Glad you are feeling a little more spry, the lake will be a great get-away for you dear.
We'll await your results. Love and Hugs, Arlene

chaispice1023 said...

(((((((Kim)))))))))))  i wish i had words, but the only ones i can come up with are - you are in my prayers...and thank you for letting us be a part of your world.  you teach us in more ways than one.

have a good time at the lake.

hugs,

mara

plieck30 said...

It is sooo nice of you to think of others when you yourself have this ugly cancer. I hope you enjoy your week-end even if you just rest. At least it will be a change. Paula

klconard1 said...

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lifes2odd said...

Hope you have a great weekend Kim. You are such an amazing woman!
Hugs and continued prayers. Martha

princesssaurora said...

{{{ Kim }}}}  I think it is great that you are trying to put it to words for all of us.  Keep fighting warrior girl... I hope the test shows a decrease and then the sizes will go the same way...

Love hugs and prayers coming for you!!!

be well,
Dawn
http://journals.aol.com/princesssaurora/CarpeDiem/

cste609371 said...

I am so proud of you you Irish warrior, keep up that fighting personality! Like Oprah Winfrey says YOU GO GIRL,lolololo   http://www.aimpages.com/cste609371/profile.html

ma24179 said...

I have been reading your journal for a few weeks now, and I have kept you in my thoughts. What you are experiencing, no one should ever have to....I have not been diagnosed with cancer, although I have lost a few to it. I just wanted to let you know, that you are in my prayers. - Missy

mumma4evr said...

oh, sweetie...have a great weekend!!!
Becky

shoot4mephoto said...

Hi Kim...I hope you enjoy your time at the lake...Maybe bring your camera...Hope you get Great News Monday too!!! I'm sending Big Hugs, Positive Energy and Crossed Fingers your way!!!
God Bless You Dear Lady
Love
Lisa

amyrangei said...

I will pray this round of chemo kicks that cancers butt!!

gandsbrock said...

OH good, you're going to the lake again.  You really love it there, so this will be a good change of pace.  Fresh air and sunshine.  Enjoy!  Meanwhile, chemo - get to work on those tumors!
Stephanie

cgtperkins said...

Going to the lake sounds great.....I know you are glad to be driving your-self as well. Im sure it is so aggrivating when you have not so good days and you dont have control over what happens with your body. I really hope that the test come back with great news on Monday.....you have all of J-land out here cheering for you!!! Take care and have a great weekend!!!
Hugs
Carrie

ab45yui said...

I hope your lake experience was the ticket!  I hope you will take pictures of the lake too.

jmorancoyle said...

    Have a safe trip. I'll say a few prayers for you.
Jude
http://journals.aol.com/jmorancoyle/MyWay

mariebm56 said...

Keeping you in my prayers.  Have a safe trip~
{{{HUGS}}}
Marie

inafrnz247 said...

::wishing you blue skies, gentle breezes and peaceful lakeside days ~ always::

I hope you found moments of peace and beauty today, Kim.  Your strength and love of life will see you through this.  Thank you, for sharing all that you do and for your heart.

Hugs and Blessings,

Michelle

tjexpressions said...

{{{ smiling }}}
I hope you can sit in the warmth of the sun and feel the breeze off the lake on your face and in your hair.
I hope you can have a few moments just you and Jim to stop and remember when....
Have a good wekend my friend.
You have waited...now go!
Love TJ
http://tj-livingontheedge.blogspot.com/

sunnyside46 said...

go girl
Marti

tendernoggle said...

Hang in there Kim...
I am so happy that you got to go out for coffee today...and I hope you have agreat time at the lake too...Just don't get too hot...It was over 100 here today :-(
God bless you, God heal you , in Jesus Christ name I pray, amen.
love,
carlene

emabecmar said...

I know that loss of freedom feeling all too well. Even while doing chemo when I felt like I could go someplace alone, my family would'nt let me. I felt like a prisoner in my own home or at my daughters. Hubby wouldn't let me stay home alone with our daughter. He took us both to our older daughters every day. I keep you in my prayers daily. ((((((Hugs)))))))
Cindy

thinkingoutloud said...

What can I say?
I feel your frustration thru the keyboard.
God, I hope and pray this 'mix' does the trick for you.
You have so much life to live.  You really do.  You are a person who lives life to its fullest.  Not everyone does.
Just one more thing I admire about you.

I hope to hell you enjoy the lake and all the beauty of nature surrounding it.  The lake is lucky to have your presence.

Love n prayers-
Niki :)

gehi6 said...

I hope you have a good time to the lake and may the breezes be gentle and the sunlight bright on your face.  You inspsire me to make the very most of time for you never knw.  Gerry  http://journals.aol.com/gehi6/daughters-of-the-shadow-men/  

dwhee70041 said...

Kim,
Thank you for the update.  We pray for your recovery every day.
David

helmswondermom said...

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icewitch96 said...

Kim,

Im praying hard for you, even if it's just for a normal day :-).  Glad you were able to get out for coffee today! Enjoy your weekend!

Hugs,

Jenn

thegirlnexdoor77 said...

Praying for your strength!  I wish for your more days out and feeling like you can go!  I think about you always and pray for you daily..Take it easy and have a good weekend!  Hugs,TerryAnn

madcobug said...

I pray that you gain more strength everyday and will you will get strong enough to go wherever you want to go. May God's complete heaing come all over you. Hugs, Helen

shauneenie said...

Dear Kim...enjoy the lake and the drive!!! Praying for strength.I am interested in the photo as I hadn't realised tumours were external as well.Wish so badly I could take this all from you!You are such a blessing to us..love and hugs, Shauneen

heavenlybama said...

I pray for you everyday Kim.  I know it has got to be frustrating.  Enjoy the lake!
Hugs,
D
http://journals.aol.com/heavenlybama/journey-to-success

mpnaz58 said...

Thank you for sharing the wealth of information that you probably wish you didn't know.  Truth be told, maybe that is your role in this big picture.  Hang in there, girl...
xoxo ~Myra

cvgflydis said...

Just know I am here, reading and thinking of you and your family. I don't know if the fave entries have always been on your side bar, but I just noticed them today and read them all. Then I went back a year and started reading from there......you are amazing and unbelievably inspiring. You have touched all of us with your story and continue to grace us with your heart. Much love and so many more prayers to you. {{{{{{{{KIM}}}}}}}}
Angel
cvgflydis@yahoo.com

molly146012 said...

Praying for you...Molly

adlessor said...

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beckiepainton said...

I hate not being in control.Not being in control of your own body must be awful, i would be very frustrated , i think you are so brave, well done!Beckie x

am4039 said...

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shoot4mephoto said...

Hi Kim,
  Last I heard you were going to get tumor marker results??
I hope all is well...I hope your news was positive....
Love
Lisa

randlprysock said...

YAY the tumors are smaller!!!  I am praying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lisa

stepjammer said...

Bless your heart.  There isn't a single fun thing about cancer. It's difficult in every way possible.  Take care and don't give up yourself.  

pprrrr39 said...

Well done Kim for being able to get out on your own...... you actually put me to shame..... I suffer from agoraphobia and even the smallest of things seem horrendous to me..... but looking at all that you have gone through actually makes me want to try and achieve something .... even though it may be the smallest of steps.

God Bless you ...... and may he give you the strength, courage and persistance that you have to get through this

Hugs Jayne