All my life I have been in control of body...I wanted to do something I did it, without thinking twice....now here I am at 44 and I am no longer in charge of it. I had no idea of how much freedom I really had until I got sick. When I was first diagnosed and first treated with A,C & T chemo I had good days and bad days but my good days let me be the "on the go girl" I had days I could do whatever I wanted to do. Then we found out the treatment stopped working and moved onto a new chemo, I was told that it would be an easier functioning type of chemo but the side effects of the chemo really sidelined me with pain, so back on steriods I went and within 12 hours I was back to being pain free but really too weak to do anything...so now I'm on a new chemo again and I am still not in control of my body....I sleep too much, I eat too little and it seems my will is not my own right now....so damn frustrating.....I miss being able to come and go as I please.
Today was the first time I left the house on my own in over a month even if it was just for coffee, it felt so good to get out on my own, behind the wheel :) More than anything I want all my strength back so I can come and go as I please....I hope this is the chemo that works and that we can finally get me on a regular schedule so far it's been a year of trying to adjust to something....new chemo's, new side effects...I just want more normal days.
I will be posting a picture soon (kinda graphic) of the tumors that are visible on the outside of my reconstructed left boob. Most tumors are on the inside and you are only able to feel it, but I want you to see what it can look like too. I's so weird to know that here I am taking all this treatment and my body continues to grow these damn tumors! Jim can feel the ones along my spine and said that they are much smaller than they were before I started this new chemo....I just hope this one doesn't crap out on my like the last two...the one on my left boob doesn't look like it's changed much....I'm just hoping for a huge drop in my tumor maker test. (Find out Monday)
I know so many of you that read my blog have either gone through cancer yourself or are taking care of someone who is, so I just wanted to share this new thing I'm going through...loss of freedom and how very frustrating it is for me and that it a new aspect for me to deal with and that the person you might be taking care of no matter what the illness is might be experiencing the same thing but not able to articulate it just yet.
Have a great weekend everybody....I'm going to the lake! And I'm driving myself! lol