Saturday, August 25, 2007

Back From Wisconsin a day early...finally dealing with the tears.

This has been possibly the most emotional week of my life....416 days into my cancer diagnosis and I  am finally falling apart...Hayward Wisconsin was wet....fishing so-so....I had one evening on the boat alone with Jim when my 15 year old son called on the walkie talkie to tell Big Jim he had a tick embedded in his stomach and that he can feel it moving around.....Jim's best advice slather it with Vaseline...the head can't hurt you from what I understand the toxins are in the body....with vasaline it suffocates them...so they try to back out themselves..so we turn the boat around after maybe an hour of fishing (me no such luck! fish wise)(lol)......wasn't a tick after all it was an itty bitty leach...pick your ick factor! lol.....Jim was able to roll it up on a tooth pick and flush it away.....I never got back out to fish....something humiliating about trying to crawl in and out of a boat on all fours.....not sure if it's humiliation or humble pie......I basically cried all week........several times a day.......but when I read about Mother Theresa having to fight her own doubts after living what she has lived and seen the suffering she has witnessed I don't feel so conflicted between the whole religion-evolution as I AM very sure so people many do. I do believe in a better place than here....I have had family members cross back and forth before their last breath to share what they have seen....that itself is a true miracle! To me Mother Theresa is already a Saint........she took on the needs and roles far too many people were to afraid to take...........CAN YOU SAY ANGEL WHO ONCE WALKED AMONG US???

I didn't get out of the cabin as much as I liked...my legs are still giving me a lil trouble....but since I have been sick and haven't done hardly any family cooking I cooked up a storm in that cabin....I promised Jim I would gain 3 pounds I think he gained 12! lol....since I don't own a scale I will have to wait till Tuesday to see if I hit my goal....I'm still on a low dose of steroids so I have been eating a lot in the middle of the night...Jim said,"I don't care what time you eat just eat!" lol

I'm a smart woman, I know I'm a smart woman......now I have to get passed that stubborn Irish woman and maybe it's time to get a second opinion.....huh Mary?....I'm starting to wax and wane with this treatment of my cancer.  Jeanne that book you sent me on HOPE OR WAS IT FAITH? (SORRY CAN'T SEEM TO REMEMBER AT THE MOMENT) The Author beat terminal stage 4 breast cancer after a rough spell trying to get her insurance to pay for the bone marrow transplant...The Insurance actually didn't want to pay because after all it was "ONLY BREAST CANCER"..that book made more sense to me than "THE SECRET" which did NOTHING but repeat what every other Author who was in the compilation of that insane book trying to sound like they came up with that term themselves!  Anybody else with me on this one???? lol lol lol

Just what is the criteria for a bone marrow transplant anyway...I have numerous cancer tumors on my spine, my new belly boob, at least one so far on my liver......hoping the Brain tumor has gone for good...a couple on my left leg....I see Dr. Serious Tuesday...I can ask him my many new questions.....This Book that Jeanne sent me....the Author/Patient worked for General Motors....which my Jim does too....and even though her treatment (BMT) and remission and reoccurrence and remission once again....after all Ford has done for Breast Cancer Awareness (WARRIORS IN PINK) and you can bet if General Motors even tries to shy away from covering a bone marrow transplant if I need one to kill off this cancer once and for all....ohhh am I gonna get loud! LOL LOL LOL...Hence the name DEMANDNLILCHIT!!!!!!!   I have no doubt that if I do need a Bone MarrowTransplant that my insurance won't let me down...if that can cure me or put me in remission then theybetter give me a chance at it or this 5'00 foot Pink Warrior is really gonna get her Irish Temper in a twist! lol

I am very grateful for everything they have done for me...excellent benefits...maybe $300 out of pocket on co-pays total for Specialists and medicine co-pays...forover a year...But I know I am worth much more than a car, an SUV and a truck and I am pretty sure my Husband, children, friends and my J-land-family will agree.

I was able to get out for a long car ride and did get some amazing wild life shots...give me some time and I will post them on "Photographic Memories" Blog soon (found on top of side bar)

Again the tears I have cried in no way compromise my strength to do my best and beat this beast and have the rest of my HAPPILY EVER AFTER........DAMN IT!!!!!!!!...........LMAOOO!!!!!!

51 comments:

klconard1 said...

Bless your heart dear, the tears are a necessary part of coping and they are powerful for your body, mind and spirit.  Praying for you.
loving you
karyl

candlejmr said...

I'm so glad you liked the book (I never got "The Secret" either...perhaps they should have kept it a secret?) If you need a Bone Marrow transplant....if you need ANYTHING and insurance doesn't pay....you let us know and we will FLOOD them with letter and complaints and phone calls....and we will flood General Motors too....and we will right to your congressmen (whoever they are) and politicians and whoever else we can yell at.  Oh yeah woman, you are gonna have WHATEVER you need, no matter what.  And if we need to have fundraising things for you, hell...we will do that too.

You need to focus on GETTING BETTER.  I hate how these damn insurance companies make people worry about PAYING while they are literally fighting for their lives.....

LOVE YOU MY FRIEND!
((hugs))
Jeanne

icewitch96 said...

Still praying for you Kim!!! Im glad you were able to get away from with your family, even if you did cry....crying is a natural part of the process.  Hope everything goes well with Dr. Serious!

Hugs,

Jenn

cgtperkins said...

Crying is a way of cleansing the soul!!! I have been lifting you and your family up in my prayers and will continue to do so!!! You can do this!!!
Hugs
Carrie

ladyvictoriak said...

Yuck, or should that be double Yuck on the leech LOL.  Besides having bc in common now I find we have GM in common too.  My husband works there. I hope you find out that you gained some weight.  So sorry about the legs.  I think the second opinion is a great idea.  It doesn't hurt to hear what someone else has to say.  Just keep hanging in there, Kim.

Viki

thinkingoutloud said...

A second or third opinion is a great idea.  I guess I thought you had already had one or two.

And you and your life are priceless!

I hope you are having a better day today.
Love n prayers-
Niki

mzgoochi said...

((((((((Kim)))))))))

I wish I had your strength!

My insurance won't pay for my BMT either. Luckily I have a nurse and a social worker looking for grants that they promise are available.

UGH! on the leech! {{{{shiver}}}}

Good luck on gaining some weight. So far I'm staying at 113 pounds. I keep thinking of all the times I wished I was smaller and now with all the saggy skin I'm thinking, be careful what you wish for. LOL

Love you and God Bless you!

Lahoma

katie39041 said...

You cry if you want to.Agood cry does you the world of good. The tick thing or leach sounded awful, I am so glad t was removed with no harm done to your son. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. Keep you chin up.
love and hugs
Katie

pharmolo said...

Nothing wrong with showing your emotions every once in a while, Kim. You fight for what you think is the way forward. I know you will :-))

elgeiselman said...

You are an inspiration to me.  You are a warrior... a wonderful blessed woman who is amazing.
~Erin

siennastarr said...

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shoot4mephoto said...

CRYING IS NOT THE HURTING KIM
ITS THE HEALING!!!!
REMEMBER THAT :)

princesssaurora said...

{{{ Kim }}}}  If a bmt is needed then so be it... I have no doubt that whatever is needed you will do it and triumph!!!  Prayers being said for you as always... I am sorry that your vacation was not good...

be well,
Dawn

ldybutterfly1128 said...

Hi Kim,

It has been a while since I sent a message to you.  My husband is fighting his own battle.  Reoccurence for the 3rd time on the heals of chemo.  So, we've been waging a battle of our own.  But, I've kept up with you and read your blog and prayed for you throughout your journey.  

Tears flowing is a natural occurence with your particular trial.  I think it's good for you.  You release toxic energy from your body when you do that.  You have a good perspective and I'm glad that you are allowing yourself the liberty to shed tears when necessary.  I am proud of you for not letting your Irish pride get in the way of that.

I don't know if this will help you, but my husband and I are currently reading about nutrition that helps to beat cancer or at least keep it from progressing faster.  The book is called, "Beating Cancer With Nutrition" by Patrick Quillin, PhD, RD, CNS.  Maybe it can help you.  I thought I'd share.

I pray that the Lord would give you the time you need with your family, the strength to endure these treatments, the provision of a BMT if that is what will work best for you, but most of all...I pray that the Lord grant you peace of mind and heart.  God bless you, Kim.  I will continue to pray for you.

Jamie

canyonsun04 said...

I full heartly agree tears are needed to push out the negative thoughts, the sadness that can pull our spirit down. YOU are a fighter, IRISH fight!! and sometimes the HARDEST thing to fight for is YOURSELF. So if you have to fight for bonemarrow, then you know what you have to do and just do it. Nobody said fighting was easy, some just give up. But you won't give up, it's not who you are. Besides, we here in Jland won't let you give up :)
Hugs
Ang

lanurseprn said...

You are such a strong woman, and I do pray that you WILL have your 'Happily Ever After.'
Pam

psychfun said...

Well are they doing any complementary medicine? I always see those commercials for the Cancer Treatment Center of America & they talk about Diet & other things too. Just a thought.

I just got Dr. Dyer's Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life book & accessories...pretty good. Most people may know some of it but they just don't do it that is the problem.

sybilsybil45 said...

Dear Kim  so glad to see you writing to us again.  Sorry you didn't catch any fishes...there will be a next time.  Jeanie is so kind and full of love and prayers for us all.  I await to hear what Dr. Serious says on tuesday. and pray that he has good news for you.  Praying hard as always for you and Jim  Love Sybil xx

bvaneps834 said...

I don't know where you live, but we know of several who have their lives extended years by going to Mayo Clinic in Rochester,MN and Cancer Treatment Center in Illinois. 2nd opinion never hurts. Ya need a good cry once it a while, flushes the dust out!!! Barb

faithmtn said...

Cry, cry, then cry some more! Tears are healing, it's nature's way of washing the soul!! It is by no means a sign of weakness. I worry more about people (myself included) when they DON'T cry. There is scientific proof that crying is beneficial. They have done studies showing that tears cried out of emotion contain toxins. Tears cried when peeling an onion, or due to an eye irritant, do not contain these toxins. So there IS a good reason why people feel better after a good cry. It literally helps rid the body of toxins built up in the body from stress.

As for "faith" wavering, anyone who claims theirs has never wavered is lying, or else a very shallow person who doesn't think much. In my opinion, faith without doubt is not faith. Seeing the pain and suffering in the world makes any sensitive soul ask WHY???????? So hang in there! I wish you wellness, Kim.

plieck30 said...

You bet your boots you are worth more then a car, truck, or suv. Hope insurance pays for anything you need. Paula

chat2missie said...

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ajquinn354 said...

Kim, I sent you an e-mail, hope you got it ok dear.  Always, always you are in my special thoughts and prayers.  Hang in there dear. Love, Arlene (AJ)

nightmaremom said...

Kim I've been sending good thoughts and prayers your way.  Your strength and courage is amazing.  You can survive this so don't give up.  My boss, who is still working, had her breast cancer metastasize in numerous places like you.  Bones, back, spine, jaw, brain, lung.  She does the chemo and fights everyday.  I see my sister fight, it's hard and so unfair.  I know the thoughts that whittle at your brain, heart and soul....  I am so sorry..... I wish I had more good things to say but know we are here for you and fighting with you every step of the way!
hugs
d

sangrialel said...

I agree you are worth way more than that!!!  Linda

sugerb6 said...

Kim, I believe you needed that trip so you could get away and do exactly what you have done, shed your tears. Keeping it all bottled up was making this cross you carry so much heavier. My lil sis would tell me she had the cry babies and I would tell her that's ok I'll cry right along with you, and damnit, that is what I did. She didn't cry because of the pain and suffering she endured, she cried because the cancer had taken from her simple things like cleaning her own home, cooking for her family, driving her daughter to school functions or shopping, not being able to attend and watch her daughter play basketball, softball, and volleyball. Mother Theresa was a great inspiration to her. Saint Therese, the little flower, was her favorite saint and carried her through on her darkest of days, beautiful roses arriving daily would lift her spirits and give her joy. One day five dozen arrived, the peaceful smile on her face lifted my spirits as well. I too, have been blessed with miracles by my loved ones who have passed before me, and yes, they are in a better place than here. It gives us so much to look forward to doesn't it.
You darn right you're worth more than a bunch of scrap metal thrown together. You my friend have the willpower to conquer and conquer you shall. Carry on, pink warrior, carry on. I will just throw in some prayers to help along your journey.
Love,
Debbie

jmdragonwolf said...

GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU
MAY ALL THE ENERGY IN THE WORLD COMBINE TO BRING YOU A MIRACLE

malagutigrrl said...

Crying is GOOD.  It cleanses out your toxins.  Cry as much as you can!

tendernoggle said...

You know...You have every right to cry...or even have a tantrum if you want to!!!  You ave been through hell and back with this and if you didn't cry I would really be worried about you.
So seetheart cry,aand cry it all out...because when you get done crying... you will be back...and  ready to kick that cancer's butt. I have faith in you Kim and I am still praying for your complete healing...and there are many, many more praying with me...
love ya,
carlene

randlprysock said...

Sometimes a good cry does us so much good!!!  My heart goes out to you and I am so proud you are being strong and it's okay to cry!
Lisa

preciousone25 said...

Cry away, girl, you can let off a little steam, or cry for whatever reason you want to.... the rest of us do it with no reason at all.... YOU have been strong and need to cry some!!!

http://journals.aol.com/preciousone25/JoannsWeightLossJourney/
Joann

wwfbison said...

Damn right you deserve to cry...you deserve to scream, throw fits, curse and then some.  Ewe, a leach...can't say I've ever seen one, thankfully.  Take care of yourself lady.
Hugs,
Lisa

dplkjl said...

There is nothing wrong with crying - it is cleansing and it clears the head.  I always feel much more centered after a good long cry.  I think you have earned the right to numerous good long cries.  Only an insurance company would say, 'Only Breast Cancer' that just burns me up.  I have been on the bone marrow donor list for over 12 years, and so has my husband and sister and I am always surprised when I think of how we have never been called as a match.  It makes me wonder if they do the transplants enough - there is so much research that says it cures many forms of cancer.  But for some reason they save it as a last resort and I don't understand that...but I really don't know enough about it.  I was glad to see an entry from you. I think about you a lot and hope that you are doing good.  -Kelly

jmorancoyle said...

     Do what you have to. Crying is good for the soul.
Jude
http://journals.aol.com/jmorancoyle/MyWay

thegirlnexdoor77 said...

Damn Right!!!!  Hugs to you hun!!!  I will continue you to pray for you as you fight this!!!  Hugs,TerryAnn

astoriasand said...

Urrrrrrrrr leaches ,that makes me shudder.You cry Kim,I love a good cry and am told it does one good.I always feel better when I have for some reason.We carn't laugh all the time,but both are good for us.Keep up that fighting spirit.Prayers being said thousandfold.Take care God Bless Kath
astoriasand http://journals.aol.co.uk/astoriasand/MYSIMPLERHYMES

rbrown6172 said...

sometimes we hafta cry....it is good for the soul.  and will make you stronger!  have your list of questions for dr serious written out so that you don't forget any.  i love the pic of the deer....absolutely stunning!
gina

shoot4mephoto said...

Kim,
 Just wondering if you every heard of stem-cell transplants? Or Boston at the Dana Farber Cancer Institute? From what I hear they are The Best around...

gehi6 said...

h

ma24179 said...

You deserve to cry, and sometimes it is necessary.- Missy

frankandmary said...

There are always different options to be considered, not just for treatment, but also to keep you from any unnecessary physical discomfort. Second opinions never hurt.~Mary

heavenlybama said...

Sometimes we need to cry.......cleanses our soul.
Hugs,
D
http://journals.aol.com/heavenlybama/journey-to-success

gandsbrock said...

I don't think it hurts to get a second opinion, even if you love your doctor.  I think a good, confident doctor should be fine with it.  I'm glad you shared just a peek into your faith - that's the first I've read mentioned of it directly.  :-)  ick, ick, ick on both ticks and leeches!
Stephanie

gosso23 said...

BC takes you through many emotions. Cry if you want to cry! Scream if you want to scream! Be pissed if you want to be pissed! You have earned every emotion that you are feeling. I think about you every day. Take care,
Trish

sunnyside46 said...

Just I love you , Kim, that's all  Ican say...Ooh, and yuk on the leeches
Marti

rdautumnsage said...

h

amyrangei said...

Yuck, a leech.  You are lucky when you find a good insurance company, that is why we need universal coverage here.  Mother Theresa was an awesome woman!!!

beckiepainton said...

Arrgghh leeches!! hope things go well, take care, Beckie x

sdoscher458 said...

You've had a long, hard year of fighting...shedding a few tears along the way is a necessary thing to do.  I stand in awe of you for the way that you have battled this monster, you truly are a princess warrior. I'm still praying...love, Sandi

mutualaide said...

Sometimes shedding the tears help you get beyond the fears ... that releasea of pent up emotion gives you a clearer head.  You are always, every day in my thoughts and prayers.  HUGE HUG, but gentle, your way.

belong2yhwh said...

Shalom,
Before 1950, Carey Reams naturally helped over 5000 patients of other doctors who were diag w/cncr ...   only 4 died of their ailment and NONE died of the trtment!
Please please please google google for the natural helps, even for the ones proven by the ama to work, then buried because they couldn't be patented (being natural) !
You are allowed to find out, but your dktr is not allowed to tell you by federal or ama regulations.....
natural simple inexpensive helps with no toxicity is still for now available....
I've seen people go as far as mexico or france to get natural help for 22 years, and they started going 50 years ago when the ama stopped allowing natural help under pressure from the drug sellers.