Then it seems the 'other shoe' has to drop! Grrrrr! Even though the news was good on the brain MRI (NED ) the cancer marker tests came up sky high, I have new visible tumor on the outside of my new( left boob) and I have an emergency MRI of my spine in an hour to see if there is something growing or deteriorating from there. It seems I take one step forward and get knocked FOUR steps back!!!!!
So I'm off the Xeloda now that too has stopped working for me, how can I still be producing cancer even though I have been on this chemo for 2+ months..........that's 2 chemo's that seemed to have failed me after a lil while of working for me. Even Dr. Serious is concerned with how aggressive this cancer is.
There are many stages that go along with "dealing" with cancer .......... shock, denial, fear, lot of what if's, then you settle into routine, you show up when the doctor tells you to, take each and every test hoping for the " Best" results.....you show back up again hoping the news will go in your favor and either go and celebrate (briefly) or move on to the next test, or next treatment........the whole time wondering which of the 2 categories you will luckily fall into.........the survivors? or the non-survivors.......in the beginning I thought and believed what the Doctors statistics were telling me "You can beat this!!!" Now I am not so sure....it seems no matter how I beat it down it comes back faster, with more vengeance and a you are going down attitude, luckily I have been just as strong, just as tuff but now other answers are starting to invade my head.....scenarios that know one wants to hear play out........I am already at peace with either outcome.....even though others' are not ready to hear it.....Me I keep thinking who will go through my house when I'm gone to help Jim and what will they find and how horrified will I be even on the other side???? lol lol lol
A million dirty dishes under the teenagers's Beds?? Jimmy Hoffa himself in the attic or crawl space? What of my personal belongings? I am a Jewelry girl....I have numerous Wedding rings ( same guy folks ) so called me spoiled!!! just how many fishing poles or shot guns, tree stands and tackle boxes does one man need anyway???? I rest my case for everyone woman out there! each Daughter of mine have a piece of Mom to walk down the aisle with if I'm personally not there to attend....Even my Son will have one if he chooses to marry his wife with one of my rings, I've already told them make pendants out of them and there is your something "old" I am so glad that at least I have seen one get wed and the two older ones graduate High School.There really a lot of details to over when you look at the finished picture.
I know you are used to me attacking cancer and giving a good fight but at sometime I might have a different path to face and I need you to remember not every pink warrior wins the battle and that some they will loose the war....like our Dear Pamela.
So this is where I stand today.....back on steroids, off of Xeloda, waiting to find out if I am starting spine radiation on Monday or a new chemo regiment...But as usual I will show up in my Pink Warrior mode and continue with my destiny........OOOO RAHHHHH!
Now for a shout hout out to the every day heroes, the every day warriors and the people that put their lives on the line every day voluntarily......They do it for the RED, WHITE AND BLUE....... for ME and for YOU!!!!! OUR SOLDIERS!!! You are the true warrrioros, the true everyday heros!
Stay strong and stay safe until you come home! God Bless you too!
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92 comments:
Celebration was too brief! You are a fighter and you inspre us all. God bless you and God bless our fighters, everywhere.
I'm so very sorry the Xeloda is not working. Please try to remember there are still many things to try. Easier said than done, I know. I can only imagine, it must be very disheartening but I can already tell you are pushing the Pink Warrior in you up another notch. I'll be praying that you are successful.
Viki
I hope i can be as strong as you if i have to face the dreaded illness of cancer.Pick your self up and kick ass girl.Its the only road open to you. I know you are having it bad, but you have friends, family and your massive jland family firmly in your corner. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours
love and hugs
Katie
I know this must be getting to u but i still love NED . I will take that one step forward any day. And i know things r stressful and one needs to put there house in order so u do what u need to and let us fight for u .....p.s the having ppl go thru ur stuff is one of my big OMG's to..........lmao................Robin
You are always faithful to come here to let us know how things are going with you. I'm sure that isn't always easy. Pray good news is right around the corner again. Pray there is something new they can try and it will work. paula
(((((((((Kimberleigh))))))))) So much I want to say....so few words to say it. All I know is that God IS in control.
~Meg
Just take the time to build up the armour & then storm in there ready to fight! Prayers are with you!
((((((Kinberleigh)))))) My prayers and thoughts are with you!! Keep fighting the good fight!!! We all love and support you!
Love,
Jenn
You are so strong...and I just don't know what to say at this time.
Keeping you in my prayers.
Hugs..Pam xoxox
I am realy lost for words here Kim too choked .I havn't known you long but I do know how much I care for you and how much I want us all to beet this with you if we can.I shout out for all your soldiers and ours here over the pond every day Kim and I will continue my prayers thousandfold for you and all of them and your family and theres.Take Care God Bless Kath
astoriasand http://journals.aol.co.uk/astoriasand/MYSIMPLERHYMES
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kim}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Deb
Kimberleigh,
I'm very sad sitting here reading this.
Life just sucks at times. I have no answers. But I do know that you are one very strong woman and you will do all you can do to battle this illness.
Your attitude is the best thing you have as your warrior weapon.
I will pray extra for you and I hope the man upstairs does the right thing.
Love you-
Niki
<tears> I know there are days when you are too beat to fight, I just hope those days are few. Even the best fighter needs a break, and I hope our, my.. prayers are working.
~ Jenny
h
I'm so sad to read this news. Damn that Xeloda, anyway!! I have faith they'll find something that works for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you, as always.
~~Kath~~
Your post is so honest and open... thank you for sharing this with us - all strangers to you who genuinely care what happens to you - and for allowing us to understand your struggle. I wish for you a happy, long, fulfilled life - complete recovery - good health - but it is amazing and encouraging to read that you have so much peace with whatever outcome. God bless you... and keep you... and strengthen you... and those around you who are not feeling as strong as you and perhaps not ready to accept, "whatever happens"...
*hugs*
heather
I don't know what to say...but the first thing that popped into my mind while I was reading your entry was GOD DAMMIT!!!!! So, that is what I will say. I wish that God WOULD damn this cancer....straight to hell....and I wish he would give you a break and understand that you still have alot of life left in you. Hell, maybe he knows you're a fighter so he's pushing you just a little harder. You are so strong and so brave and so honest. I am so happy you are at peace....but I just wish you didn't have to fight so damn much.
I'm anxiously sitting her waiting to see what's next so please let us know as soon as you can.
Love and ((hugs))
Jeanne
I think you'll revert to type & soon give us the positive. Because you seem more capable of finding the positive than anyone else I know.
But, we are here for whatever~ however it is, always.
~ Mary xoox
I know this is not the news you hoped to hear. It certainly isn't what any of us were praying for. I admire your faith and your truth. Prayers to you and your family members. Hugs, Estela
My heart is heavy. I'm sorry to hear this. Take a deep breath, and come out fighting again. Know that you are loved and we wil be doubling our prayer efforts for you. God bless. Dawn
http://journals.aol.com/adlessor/ACoupleofNomads
I am a new reader and am sorry to read that you are going through this. I am pleased that your doctor is so active in monitoring you and at least he is honest and open with you about what is happening. Regarding what the future holds, breast cancer has caused me to lose two sisters. My sister, Barb, left two young children aged 7 and 8 when she died 5 years ago, who I am now bringing up. I wish she had left them letters for when then are older. My other sister had breast cancer too but has survived. If you have certain wishes, please write them down, please god no-one will have to carry them out but I think its best to make everyone aware of what you want to happen. Hugs to you and here I am standing with you and hoping that things will improve for you. Terry x http://journals.aol.co.uk/tellsg/bowl-of-cherries
Kim.... It's good, yes, to face what MIGHT be, but please don't give up. There are a lot of people out here praying for you!
You will forever be a warrior...
Much love and many many prayers
Jackie
I told my hubby the other day that I hope I don't have to clean out all his boxes someday, he's a pack rat of papers, lol...
Special thoughts to hold you up!!
Linda :)
God bless you Kim. Tons of thoughts and of prayers going on for you out here in J-Land. Hugs, Martha
I am sorry to hear of this setback, Kim - will keep an eye open for your results on that MRI scan you're having, probably as I type. I am aware you are prepared for either outcome, but where there's life, there's hope.
Thinking of you tonight,
Guido
Kim I don't know you personally but you are such an easy person to love! I love your feisty and fun attitude, and can do no matter what....you are such an inspiration, and funny lady! BIG and gentle HUGS to you! God Bless.
Hi Kim, sorry to hear the bad news. Even the toughest fighters have to retreat and recoup sometimes. It's not a bad thing to consider the worst and get your affairs in order, you have to be realistic about things. But I hope you soon rediscover your strength and fighting spirit enough to beat this damn cancer.
My thoughts are with you.B. x
Kim, I am so saddened by this news. I truly wish I had something profound to say, but I don't. What I can say is simple, you are always in my Prayers and I think of you often. Much love & hugs being sent to you.
Lisa
Kim-I am so sorry to hear this news...you are a fighter...and you have a GREAT spirit about you....I wish you the best always, and I will continue to pray for you and your family.
Yes, there are things that need to get in order, but not just because of the situation, they should be in order for everyone!! no one knows what tommorrow will bring for anyone.
Only my best wishes to you and yours....
Michele
Kim, I'm here for you no matter what dear as all of those who love and care for you.....news wasn't what you or we wanted to hear, but remember miracles happen every day dear and that is my wish for you. Keep that peace in your heart and you'll get through it dear. Please mention the RFA medical treatment if you haven't already discussed this with your Doctors....I'm here for you dear....Arlene (AJ)
Hi Kim,
I am sorry for the emotional roller coaster you're on; it must be draining for you. Remember, no one, NO ONE, not a cancer patient nor a "healthy, normal" person, knows how much longer they have on earth! Someone with good health can walk out their door to go to work and be hit by a car and die. Since none of us knows how long we have left, living life to its fullest, relishing each second we have with loved ones, is the best way to live. Live in the moment. In that respect, you have been given a true gift. Cancer has taught you to cherish your loved ones and every second you have with them. Many "healthy" people think they have forever and put things off or take loved ones for granted.
I think it is always wise to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. You don't have to be upbeat all the time; no one can be that way. Courage isn't the absence of fear, but rather, fighting on in the face of that fear. Don't expect more of yourself than you'd expect out of your best friend if she were in your situation. Stand tall when you can, lean on people when you need help and support. Thinking good thoughts and wish you the very best.
I admire your attitude, and I'm not sure I'd be very optimistic if I were in your shoes, either. Not to say I'm giving up on your behalf (heaven forbid!), but the big C is scary, and can bluff its way into your very being. God bless you.
Rats, rats, rats. Of course, I'll be "hoping for the best" with the test du jour. The tumor you see on your new boob is very distressful. You know, when you go through a mastectomy, you know they can't get absolutely all breast tissue, but almost all. So you rest in that. I can't articulate it. It just makes me mad, like the cancer is mocking you. I'm glad to read that you are a peace whatever the ultimate outcome. I think we all should face that we are going to die some day and we need to get things straight.
Sending a bunch of cyber hugs to you. I'll keep my eye out to see if you have results or a new treatment plan.
Stephanie
Dear,dear Kim....I wish I could take this from you dear heart!...You make us all look at our lives differently...we face our own mortality each time we read your struggle...we also see the spirit and strength of a warrior who WILL fight no matter what the outcome...the outcome is not important....its the fight and the positive effect on others that counts...love to you and prayers and hugs ((((((Kim)))))))) Love,Shauneen xxxx
Kim. Just sending support. Not much to say in the face of this. Wish is would just go away and leave you alone.
Julie
I think you are an amazing person to be going through so much and standing tall still yet.
This is my first time here but I think you are my hero.
Awww, Kim! I haven't been by in a long time and now I know I should have dropped in sooner. I'm so sorry you are in the throws of battle with cancer. I can tell by this entry you have the fighting spirit, that is so important. I will be adding you to my prayer list and I will keep you in my thoughts. I'll be droping by regularly again. Keep up the good fight!
Sam
I feel like I was just run over by a truck. WHAT THE HELL?! I can not imagine how hard this is on you Kim. You have so many ups and so many downs. It just does not seem fair. You fight so hard and then to be knocked down like this must seem so frustrating - to say the least. I am so sorry for this news. I totally understand the need to plan things and imagine what needs to be done in case of the worst happening - and that is just because we need to feel some control. I think that is good for your peace of mind - it will help to have one less thing to worry about while you start the next step in treatment. I am confident that you are still going to beat this - it is just another step in the process. I think they are going to find the right mix of what you need to help you. It is a battle and you have won some - you have struggled too - but in the end you WILL win this war. I have no doubt. It will happen - it will. I know it. XOXO -Kelly
I don't have any words, so I just offer what I can... I know it's only a cyberhug, but rest assured that if I was close enough I would give you the real thing! {{{{Hugs}}}}
Kim: My prayers are always with you. I pray that you have the strength to trust and put the present and future in the hands of the Lord. Hey ya got thru the brain scan, so you will get thru this too. Hold onto your fighting spirit. Love, and Hugs, LionessCarol
(((Kim)))
I already know if I say nothing at all, you already know what I want to say.....so for now, just know it's love and prayers.....and you know the rest, my dear soul sister.
Hi Kim,
Okay...I understand the fact that you want to make sure things are taken care of "just in case" because none of us know the when or where of our death...
SO>>>>
IF IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER..GET YOUR WISHES DOWN ON PAPER AND WHATEVER ELSE YOU WANT TO DO......DO IT.....
SO......
YOU WILL BE AT PEACE WITH THAT AND YOU CAN CONCENTRATE ON FIGHTING THIS CRAP YOU HAVE BEEN DEALT.
PLEASE LET US KNOW HOW THE TEST TURNS OUT.
WE LOVE YOU AND ARE HERE FOR YOU KIM.
LOVE ,
CARLENE
Kim,
Our prayers are with you.
David
When you talked about the soldiers tears came to my eyes. You, too, are fighting on the front lines, as brave as any soldier, giving your all. You are an inspiration. Gerry http://journals.aol.com/gehi6/daughters-of-the-shadow-men/
Kim I am very sorry. I will pray and hope for the best. rose
Sending love and peace and compassion.
Traci
you have my prayers for peace and resolution. i admire you so very much. I know that whatever happens, it will be with you fighting all the way.
hugs
tina
Keeping you in thoughts, heart and prayers, Kim... Always.
::tight hug::
Michelle
Oh...that sucks bigtime. I'm so very sorry.
I am praying for you for strength and hope.
Love,
Nancy
Sending you good thoughts and prayers
hugs
d
((Kim)) honey none of us really know from day to day if it will be our last day here anyway. One thing that you have done and done well these past few years is to write your heart out in your journal. What a treasure to leave for your kids, I've done the same with my life in Japan...this way the kids know how it all started and where they came from really. I was at my Mom's house the other day, with my two sisters and we pulled out a tape that my Mom had interviewed her Mother and MIL. To hear their stories, their voices again...it meant a lot to us. I know that you will fight with everything that is within you and you have our love, your family's strength and your indomitable warrior spirit that will not let you quit. We all love you...still praying...love, Sandi
I will not give up or stop praying for strength to go through what you have to go through. I still believe in miracles. I am one. I have incredible faith for you.
Soft comforting hug and love sent your way,
Nelishia
http://journals.aol.com/nelishianatl/WishingandHoping/
I know that you really must be tired of the shoe avalanche. It leaves you wondering when you're going to catch a break. I have a feeling that if that whole shoe closet empties out, you'll stand back, take a look and then put them all back in. The world needs you in it, and I think when all is said and done, you're going to go right back to being the Warrior. The VICTORIOUS Warrior.
Kim my prayers are with you.I know you are a strong women and you can beat this.
Love ang Hugs to you.
Sunny
Keep the good fight......I am sure you are just tired of always waiting for the other shoe to fall......but you are so strong and have so many on your side.....you will remain in my prayers....
Staying positive for you!!!!
-Ellie
(((Kim)))) My thoughts and prayers are with you.. Hugs to you, and God bless you and your beautiful family. Julie
Hi Kim,
I was so excited when I read your last entry.........I thought maybe you were finally going to catch a break, ya know? I'm so sorry to hear this latest news. I truly think of you often and pray for your recovery, every day. You're such a wonderful, brave lady, I admire you so much! Please rest and take it easy, you've got more battles to fight and WIN! I not only pray for you recovery, but I wish you peace of mind too...you're one of a kind Kim and we all love you and wish you only the best.
Take Care,
Love,
~Bilinda~
I'm not commenting on this particular entry, I just wanted to say, in general, that even tho you have cancer, you have an amazing spirit. This past week I lost a close friend of mine to ewing sarcoma. He had just turned 22. The doctors said the chemo wouldn't work for him. So he ate organic food and had no chemo. He lived longer than what any doctor thought he would. He became bedridden before 2007 began but he never complained. We say he might have lost his body to cancer but he did beat cancer because it never took his spirit. Keep spreading your amazing spirit and never lose it. Looks as tho chemo is working for you; I will be sure to keeps you in my prayers.
I am not worthy to comment here...because I complain all the time about stupid stuff while there are fighters out there (like yourself) who can't spare the time to worry about little stuff that I obsess over. KEEP FIGHTING. I'm on your side.
(came here from "Just Mary")
Russ
"I am already at peace", such powerful words. May God give you comfort , may he grant your family the strength to face what tomorrow may bring. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life, thank you for being a part of mine. You have been such an inspiration to me, you have brought me through many a dark day. As I shed my tears, may I sing with you, Only In God Is My Soul At Rest, in him comes my salvation, he only is my rock, my strength, and my salvation , my strong hold, my saviour, I shall not be afraid at all...
I love you Kim!
Debbie
there is a new, very new chemo.. there are only a handful of doctors in the country that are using it.. it is called interlukin.... and prolukin... ask your oncologist about it... it is very powerful..... you only get it once every three months.... you get one dose... it brings you to the brink of death... the side effects are terrible.... you stay in the hospital for a week or so after each dose.. but has cured many cancers that typical chemo could not... we wanted it for my brother.. but he was not a canidate... he had cancer in every organ of his body and 9 brain tumors.... ask about it..... or call the university of cincinnati hospital.... there is a doc there on the cutting edge of this stuff... and has a great success rate.....
If you want to be sad, angry or scared then so be it. It's not always easy being brave. But have hope. Like my John.
Krissy
http://journals.aol.com/fisherkristina/SometimesIThink
Dearest Kim, Our wonderful tired warrior, Sometimes even soldiers have to lie down and just accept what is happening and they must feel so alone, but we KNOW that we are never alone it is at times like this that our Lord is there in the background carrying us along in HIS WAY. We pray "Your will be done" and we know that no matter what HE always has what is best for us and our family in His hands. Rest there my dear warrior and enjoy every second of the time you have with us and I pray that that will be for a VERY long time.. Much Love Sybil xxxx
i'm here by way of mary. love your entry. it made me laugh, smile, et remember one of my favorite patients who told me not long ago (was in & out for treatment of her breast cancer), "erin, i'm just dying to live." i was extremely moved by her statement. she was not afraid of talking about her fight to live, but also not afraid of talking about the "what ifs." most people don't want to hear it, and it's hard for many to confront the death of someone they love... you, like my friend Judy, are amazing to me... your eloquence with words is astonishing, because your battle is fought with grace and integrity... and i'll be praying for the most perfect of miracles for you tonight.
~erin
http://fundusfirmlochiasmall.blogspot.com/
That's good news about your brain, and good that you are vigilant in finding anything new that pops up. The roller-coaster is the hardest thing. Hang in there.
((((((kim)))))))) prayers for you, darlin.
Keep on fighting, we're all backing you.
http://journals.aol.co.uk/acoward15/andy-the-bastard
Ah, Kim, you poor tired warrior!! The whole journey has been tough, but now is when you really need to dig in your heels and FIGHT!! You can do it and we're all here with you, praying and keeping you in our thoughts.
Hang in there, Kimberleigh!!!
Hugs,
Carol
Kim,
{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}
Praying for you as always and sending love your way...Molly
i read this with tears in my eyes, truly. You will be added to my prayer list at church....prayer does help. If there is anything i can do, let me know.
HUGS, lj
I will be keeping you in my prayers. Linda
h
You need to rest a little, cry a little, get mad a little, and then.....get up and start kicking some butt again! I think you are just an awesome woman. You are in my prayers.
HUG
~Annie
There are so many cliches I can use here, but I'll use the most trusted, and the most sincere...you are in my prayers, Kim!!! You are a fighter, a warrior...
xoxo ~Myra
What can I say??? I want to SCREAM. I will pray... I hope they attack this as aggressively as they can and that you can still beat it. I am praying... I am angry...
be well,
Dawn
http://journals.aol.com/princesssaurora/CarpeDiem/
My prayer is always simple, "Lord, give Kim the strength she needs to do what ever it is she needs to do." and my good thoughts are always filled with warmth and caring ... {{{hugs}}} and good thoughts your way.
I'm glad you are at peace: (I am already at peace with either outcome).....My heart is with you and your beloved family. I'm "willing" you all the strength I can for this trial you are going through. God love ya Kim..........; )
After such good news, this is disappointing. As always though, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care of yourself.
Jude
http://journals.aol.com/jmorancoyle/MyWay
h
KEEP FIGHTING...DON'T LOOSE YOUR WILL, AND GOD BLESS YOU.
as always prayers are being sent your way. stay strong you lovely lady
lucy x
i am praying for you. you have such a strong attitude. i am not sure how you do it
hugs
noelle
we are all here with you...praying as you fight your fight!!!
Becky
Keep fighting and God bless you, Kimberleigh...
Ash
This entry brings tears!!! I am so praying for you....I can't stand all this...I pray for a miracle!!!!!! Please God hear our prayers! Keep fighting girl...don't you dare stop!!! I am sorry about the bad news! Praying for better news to come! Big Big Gentle hugs!!!! Love ya Kim! Hugs,TerryAnn
I am sorry about the bad news, God will give you the strength, so many of us are praying for you & the children as well as your husband, so many strangers truely care my friend... Hugs, Cheryl~
http://www.aimpages.com/cste609371/profile.html
I am one of your "lurkers". This entry made me cry. I truly, truly admire your strength in facing this battle. I will be praying for you and your family........Tami
Wow, once again you have made me catch my breath. I don't want to see you face that path of leaving too soon. But you're right it might come to that. With that said, take a walk with me down memory lane, please.
Hi Kim, this is Brenda & Self. When I first started reading your journal you were writing about Jim's ex and some of her not so motherly ways. Remember? Damn woman, you could put some drama & details in your writings. I remember how alot of j peeps got all pissed off about something that had happen 10 years previous. But because it was you, that were ready to go kick her ass for YOU, even tho it had been so many years. lol Darling you just got it that way.
We've never met face to face, but you are my friend. And I've never stop thinking or praying for you.
Love Brenda
darlin darlin Kim, either way you win, either way.....a warrior like you knows that every battle fought with your heart is a battle won when you know you have done your best.
I love you
Marti
h
I feel scared that I haven't heard from you in your journal.. I hope you are ok, but I am not sure...God be with you Kim..
Love Lisa
Kim.... I am so very sorry to hear that news...... but i hope that you have the strength to carry on your fight.
God Bless you
Jayne
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