Then it seems the 'other shoe' has to drop! Grrrrr! Even though the news was good on the brain MRI (NED ) the cancer marker tests came up sky high, I have new visible tumor on the outside of my new( left boob) and I have an emergency MRI of my spine in an hour to see if there is something growing or deteriorating from there. It seems I take one step forward and get knocked FOUR steps back!!!!!
So I'm off the Xeloda now that too has stopped working for me, how can I still be producing cancer even though I have been on this chemo for 2+ months..........that's 2 chemo's that seemed to have failed me after a lil while of working for me. Even Dr. Serious is concerned with how aggressive this cancer is.
There are many stages that go along with "dealing" with cancer .......... shock, denial, fear, lot of what if's, then you settle into routine, you show up when the doctor tells you to, take each and every test hoping for the " Best" results.....you show back up again hoping the news will go in your favor and either go and celebrate (briefly) or move on to the next test, or next treatment........the whole time wondering which of the 2 categories you will luckily fall into.........the survivors? or the non-survivors.......in the beginning I thought and believed what the Doctors statistics were telling me "You can beat this!!!" Now I am not so sure....it seems no matter how I beat it down it comes back faster, with more vengeance and a you are going down attitude, luckily I have been just as strong, just as tuff but now other answers are starting to invade my head.....scenarios that know one wants to hear play out........I am already at peace with either outcome.....even though others' are not ready to hear it.....Me I keep thinking who will go through my house when I'm gone to help Jim and what will they find and how horrified will I be even on the other side???? lol lol lol
A million dirty dishes under the teenagers's Beds?? Jimmy Hoffa himself in the attic or crawl space? What of my personal belongings? I am a Jewelry girl....I have numerous Wedding rings ( same guy folks ) so called me spoiled!!! just how many fishing poles or shot guns, tree stands and tackle boxes does one man need anyway???? I rest my case for everyone woman out there! each Daughter of mine have a piece of Mom to walk down the aisle with if I'm personally not there to attend....Even my Son will have one if he chooses to marry his wife with one of my rings, I've already told them make pendants out of them and there is your something "old" I am so glad that at least I have seen one get wed and the two older ones graduate High School.There really a lot of details to over when you look at the finished picture.
I know you are used to me attacking cancer and giving a good fight but at sometime I might have a different path to face and I need you to remember not every pink warrior wins the battle and that some they will loose the war....like our Dear Pamela.
So this is where I stand today.....back on steroids, off of Xeloda, waiting to find out if I am starting spine radiation on Monday or a new chemo regiment...But as usual I will show up in my Pink Warrior mode and continue with my destiny........OOOO RAHHHHH!
Now for a shout hout out to the every day heroes, the every day warriors and the people that put their lives on the line every day voluntarily......They do it for the RED, WHITE AND BLUE....... for ME and for YOU!!!!! OUR SOLDIERS!!! You are the true warrrioros, the true everyday heros!
Stay strong and stay safe until you come home! God Bless you too!