Sunday, October 14, 2007

where my head is at today 10-14-07

When I was a kid and I got sick my Mom would take me to see the family Doctor who would always tell me to stick out my tongue and say "ahhhh" check for swollen glands in my neck, take my temperature and then send me home with a lollipop and a prescription for an antibiotic......all better 10 days later!

So this being sick and not being able to just "get better" in 10 days is hard for me to cope with, Why can't I just take a pill twice a day for 10 days and be all better now? I thought my childhood Doctor could cure me of everything.......the scared little girl, that still lives hidden deep inside of me wishes Dr. Pelic was still alive, still believes he could of made me all better.

Fast forward 40 something years and I can't seem to catch a break with any of the meds I have been on......1st round 8 weeks of AC & T
ACT Chemotherapy - Adriamcin Cytoxan Taxol  Now I just read an article that Taxol does Nothing for ER/PR positive Breast Cancer......great! Then my 2nd round of new chemo was Xeloda... XELODA: The first FDA-approved oral chemotherapy for metastatic Breast and Colorectal Cancer Easy to take pill form, taken at home but the longer I was on it the sicker and more weak I became where I lost all my strength due to the fact I was either too sick to eat or sleeping my life away. Then we tried another chemo cocktail of Gemzar and Carboplatin  Gemzar.com for Patients and Caregivers –  Information About Treatment withGEMZAR for Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer, Pancreatic C.. and  CARBOPLATIN - INJECTION  (Paraplatin) side effects, medical uses, and drug interactions.   again  I did nothing but sleep, couldn't eat if I wanted too, and even though my tumor markers went down the tumors in my liver and in my lung grew so on to my 4th chemo drug Navelbine  Navelbine and Navelbine Side Effects - Chemotherapy Drugs And this one is the worse yet, I'm still getting sick to my stomach almost 2 weeks after my treatment, not eating will soon make me weak again and unable to get around on my own.

I see Dr. Serious on Tuesday.We already tried the full dose (puke) we tried the half dose (much milder but is it still effective?) I'm going to see about a 2/3rd dose or trying something completely different, I can't spend my life looking into the bottom of my toilet bowl! I can't even keep down the Zofran (anti sickness medicine ) most times.

How much my world has changed. If I didn't take this cancer one day at a time I think I would of given up a long time ago. I'm tired but most of all I am sick of being sick. Now lets break it down......I find my lump early enough stage 2B breast cancer, I have the breast removed, I have a tram flap reconstruction, I do my 8 weeks of AC & T, I start my hormone therapy of tomaxifen, I get the all clear even without any further testing and 3 months later I'm told I now have cancer in my lungs,my liver, my brain and my spine....now it's called stage IV breast cancer..no longer curable only treatable and I will be a cancer patient the rest of my life.....after reading all the above kinda makesya wonder if you want to be a cancer patient the rest of your life. Chronically ill people are a tough breed, we dig deep inside for what is worth fighting for and we fight for it and only sometimes do we let our mind wander to the otherside.

Tomorrow's a new day! I'll be around to see it!

49 comments:

hugsdoodlewacky said...

((((((((((((((((((HUGSOYOU))))))))))))))))))))))I wish I knew the right words to say,I dont,all,I can say is I am praying for you and hoping your Doctor can help you with the pain meds.Yes,tommrow is a new day.

sybilsybil45 said...

You are such a strong lady..we admire you so much and all I want to do is what is already being done by your loving family hug you and love you cradle that lovely head of yours to my ample chest and let you just rest rest rest....  Goodnight my dear warrior...prayers encircling you all the hours God gives us.  Love through the tears from Sybil xxxx

blpltt said...

Humbling is the only word I can come up with.  To be able to stand back and look your situation in the eye is remarkable.  Have a good tomorrow.
Bunny xx

malagutigrrl said...

Fabulous attitude!  And great advice...

ma24179 said...

That is what is so bad about all of these medicines... they make you sick as a dog! They extend your life for years but you live it miserably. I was on a long term medicine... I don't want to say why, but I had a choice to make... the medicine made me so miserably sick that I just felt like it would be better to die. Well, I made my choice.. to me "quality" is better than the "quantity" of life. That's only me tho sweety... I'm a weird person ;) -Missy

canyonsun04 said...

I have to be honest, it's my nature, sometimes I don't know how people with treatable not curable cancer make it each day, to find that will. Those are the people, like yourself that I admire, the strength, the determination and the inner fight. I wish you felt better, I wish you could get a break. I hate seeing you go through all of this and I can't imagine just how your family feels, but mostly how YOU feel. I think you are an amazing fighter, a sureal spirit and a great woman.  And keep fighting, because you have what it takes :)
hugs
Ang

wwfbison said...

This entry moved me to tears...believe me, if I could take away your illness and everyone else dealing with this horrible disease I would.  Since I cannot do that I will offer you my Prayers and good thoughts.
Lisa

gandsbrock said...

Even though I've been following you ever since this journey began (or close to it), it still stuns me to see it all laid out there.   4 chemos in just over a year.  That's amazing.  Just makes me want to give you a hug - and do something for you to make you feel better.  Listen, I know your family is precious and worth fighting for, but so are you.  You alone are precious enough to fight for.  What a sweetheart you are.  A complex, interesting and tough gal.  :-)
Take care,
Stephanie

ladyvictoriak said...

Cancer truly is a horrid thing - especially for those that are dealing with it as a chronic condition. It thrills me that they have more and more treatments but with the millions and millions of dollars spent, we should be closer to finding cures for more types of cancer.   Also, it would be wonderful with these new treatments if they could find some that would have less side effects so quality of life would be better. Okay, stepping off my soapbox. LOL  Good luck with Dr. Serious on Tuesday.  "The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next."  Author - Mignon McLaughlin

In sisterhood,
Viki

faithmtn said...

Chronic illness is draining physically, emotionally, and spiritually. There are hills and valleys...sounds like you're deep within a valley now. I hope that you can find some small joy in each day. Sometimes life makes no sense and it is all very unfair. I'm so sorry that you're suffering so much.

tendernoggle said...

Dear Kim,
I so wish that your Doctor Pelic was still here, if not to do anything but to just give you some love, comfort, and peace of mind.
I know you are so tired of all this by now...a person can only take so much and you have braved far more than your share of pain and sickness...Please do not feel that you have to continue be brave 100% of the time Kim....there are times when everyone needs to sit back and let someone comfort THEM.
I am praying for you Kim, and I ask right now, that in the Holy name of JESUS that you be healed of all cancer.
God bless you,
love,
carlene

inafrnz247 said...

You are indeed a tough breed, Kim.  In countless ways.  Your courage and your strength (even as your heart is weak) carries you (and ME sometimes!) through each day, looking to tomorrow as the gift that it is.  Thank you for touching my life.

::tight hug::

Michelle

glensfork4 said...

I had a family Dr like that, and I agree I wish he was still around because they did genuinely fix you. I am praying for you and I know you are fighting so hard, and there is so much I wish to say to you, but can't. I admire you. I love the fight you are giving this dreaded disease.

Michele

exptmircle said...

I am sick and tired of you being sick and tired too.  I have been reading your journal for a while and would like to thank you for sharing your intimate journey.  I do not know how strong you are but I do know that you are brave and you are a risk-taker.  You have put yourself out in cyberspace for all to watch, examine, compare, judge and you did it with such grace and dignity. You are a great teacher.  You shared your fears and you were real. Thank you.  There is not one doubt in my mind at your ability to love deeply or your willingness to find beauty (or/and humor) in small things that most of us overlook.  
Be Good to Yourself.   Listen to your Inner Voice.  
Linda in Southern Calif.        

lpetty420 said...

O Lord,
In this time of need, strengthen me.
You are my strength and my shield;
You are my refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
I know, Father,
that Your eyes go to and fro throughout the earth
to strengthen those  whose hearts long for You.
The body grows weary,
but my hope is in You
to renew my strength.
I do not fear,
for You are with me.
I am not dismayed or overwhelmed,
for You are my God.
I know You will strengthen me and help me;
that You will uphold me with Your righteous hand.
Even as the shadows of illness cover me,
I feel the comfort of Your strength, O Lord.
Amen.

For I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels,
nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come,
nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation,
will be able to separate us from the love of God
in
Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39 (RSV)

http://www.livescience.com/health/070104_cancer_prayer.html

princesssaurora said...

I know you will be around to see it!  I am sending you warrior prayers...  Can they let you do injections of the anti puke stuff at home???

be well,
Dawn
http://journals.aol.com/princesssaurora/CarpeDiem/

midwestvintage said...

Kim, your strength and attitude is what is getting you by each day and your wonderful family.  I wish I had a close knit family.  One day at a time Sweet Jesus.  I wish the family doctor was back again also.

                     Julie

am4039 said...

Kim you are an amazing strong person whom I pray for every single day. Hugs and love Marla

candlejmr said...

I can't tell you how much I wish that your current battle could be cured with a pat on the head and a lollypop.  It just doesn't seem fair to me that someone with such a warm and generous spirit and a loving heart should have to endure so much.  I pray for you all the time...that you will feel well enough to enjoy your life to the absolute fullest, with your family and friends around you always.

One day at a time my friend.....
((hugs)) and love,
Jeanne

icewitch96 said...

Kim,

I pray for you every day, I pray that you can find a medication that will not make you weak and sick.  I pray that the lord gives you strength to continue your fight.

Love and Hugs,

Jenn

sangrialel said...

You are a tough girl!!  I hope that you get a treatment that you can tolerate better. Linda

mutualaide said...

Kim ... you strengthen my resolved to live each of my days to the fullest ... my thoughts, my good wishes and my prayers are with you every single day.  I am in awe of your strength, your willingness to let us all read about your daily struggles. ~k

ab45yui said...

You got that right Kim, you are a tough breed.  I read every word here and shared it with my husband.  His mom is fighting with cancer too.  She is back on chemo, but has not had the severe side effects with illness at her stomach.  I told him she is very, very blessed.  She is losing her hair and sleeps alot.  Her doctor has given her two years, but with no chemo she'd leave us in two months.  The strength and resolve of folks that fight this disease is incredible to me.  I continue to pray and hope for you, for his mom, for Irene and others....God's blessings on you!

ajquinn354 said...

Kim, you are definitely a Warrior we all see it daily in the way you handle whatever comes your way.  So sorry your treatment is making you so sick dear, please when you Dr. Serious on Tuesday, ask him if you haven't already about RFA that I've mentioned before to see if this is a possible help for you. Know you are always in my special thoughts and prayers dear.  Hope you can feel the hug I'm sending thru the computer for you.   Bless you dear....Arlene (AJ)  

plieck30 said...

We here in j-land are pulling on that rope as hard as we can. Trying to pull you out of your pain so you can have some good days to enjoy your life and family. Hope things go well with Dr. Serious. I wish your Dr. Pelic was still here if for nothing else but to give you comfort and advice. Paula

siennastarr said...

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critters94 said...

Bless You...May you find some comfort in knowing you are in the hearts and prayers of so many....and that all of us out here are hanging on your every word waiting and wishing for the good news.   Stay Strong Know How Special You Are.
Critters Mama

johneknox said...

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heavenlybama said...

(((Kim))) One day at a time my friend.  It's not fair.  I read this entry to my hubby who is also sick pretty much most of the time.  He knows exactly how you feel.  My hubby can relate to being sick and tired of being sick and tired.  He's 45 yrs. old....been sick the last 39 yrs.  He's prolly slept at least half of his life away.  When he's sick, he's either puking or sleeping.  Then he has a few days here and there where he feels good enough to get out of bed and do something or go somewhere.  When we married, I thought his health problems would get better.  Some did and he was stable for awhile.  Lately, though especially this year, things have gotten worse.  I know it's hard on him.  It's hard on me watching him go thru what he does.  We just take one day at a time.  You're always in my prayers Kim.  Always!  You ARE a warrior and we all love you!
Hugs,
D
http://journals.aol.com/heavenlybama/journey-to-success

heavenlybama said...

P.S.  Have you ever considered seeing a homeopathic dr. for a consult?

jasonzavoda said...


Keep fighting!

***


"The challenge is to live with interest unless one's fear is too great, which seems to be rather common among the worlds of man, one normally prefers that that existence be interesting."

A hint of a smile touched the wide mouth. "And even then, consider the possibility that the person who is fearful, who perhaps is even in hiding, may at some hidden level enjoy the experience.

"As warriors, we find our greatest interest and pleasure in battle, and our next greatest in preparing for battle. Winning is preferred, but the preference is slight. We are not allowed to - ah, 'graduate' is your nearest word to it. We would not be allowed to graduate if we did not know deeply and truly that the fullest joy and reward of the warrior is in being a warrior, and performing the actions of a warrior, with artistry! And that winning is something to favor only very slightly. We do prefer to win, but it is not important to us. We do not allow the matter of winning or losing, surviving or dying, to interfere with our pleasure. We go into battle ready to enjoy the experience, without anxiety over the outcome."

nhd106 said...

No one expects you to be bright eyed and bushy tailed with all this going on.   It's not fair AT ALL...and there are probably no words to comfort you.   Except perhaps...just know...deeply know...how much others love you.
That's worth a whole lot.

Big Hugs,
Nancy

mzgoochi said...

Lately I let my thoughts wander to the otherside way too much and forget to thank God for today.

love you Kim. Hang in there!
(((((hug)))))

Lahoma

nchantedstarlite said...

Though I only just found your blog tonight, I am deeply touched by what you're going through.  In the last year, I lost both of my parents to lung cancer, and I know how hard all of the treatments, all the doctors, all of the appointments, etc. can get to you.  Honey, hang in there.  You sound like such a strong-willed woman, and I truly admire how you're handling this.  One thing I learned...cancer can do so many things to a person, to a family.  But, it can't take your spirit.  It can't take your heart.  It can't take your determination.  Hang in there, and know that there will be one more person in the world praying for you tonight.

Charlotte

ladyvictoriak said...

Hi Kim, It's me again ;-)  I was thinking.  I'm wondering because you've been on 4  different rounds of chemo maybe the zofran has run it's course for you.   On Tuesday consider asking Dr. Serious about trying a different anti nausea drug.  Maybe a different one would work better at this point.  I forget if you're still on the steroids, they really helped me with the nausea when I was on AC.  Just a thought.

Viki

gehi6 said...

Hello, Kim.  Yes, I have no doubt this cancer treatment must be very hard to cope with.  It looks like you did not get the break some do as my sister Ann did whose breast cancer was caught soon so with chemo and radium and a lumpectomy she has been cancer free for five years.  My sister LaRae did not get a break with her ovarian cancer.  I can see why you would long for the days back when you knew with a round of medicine you would be all better really all better.  So sorry, but what a tough spirit is manifested here.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with your toughness that makes you seem so alive. Why this struggle when you are still so young it is hard to fathom, maybe it is to demonstrate what an indomitable will to live is and cannot die!  Gerry  

astoriasand said...

Words are hard to find Kim at this time.So I am repeating what I always say.You can do it Kim keep those boxing gloves on and those Hob nail boots and punch kick that thing as far away as you can.You are an inspiration to the extreme.Prayers being said thousandfold and I hope you have a comfortable Monday.Keep Saying  a prayer to Dr Pelic ask him for comfort,I am sure he will hear you.We can try anything and everything.Take Care God Bless Kath
astoriasand http://journals.aol.co.uk/astoriasand/MYSIMPLERHYMES

kirkbyj05 said...

Each time I read your new entries I am amazed at how you can pull out the strength and energy to bless us with your thoughts and feelings. I know you feel you are in a 'dark place' at the moment.  If there was a way for any one of us to be Dr Pelic then you would be dry mouthed with having to say all the 'Ahh's'  Lol!
You have so many loving friends and 'warriors' willing you to fight on and get well.  
At the end of the day we have to realise its happening to you Kim.  
We are the one's standing by you with all the prayers and hopes in the world.  I have often sat praying quietly, willing my mind and energy in your direction.  I imagine you recieving it, with the resultant energy joining all those prayers being said for you by the rest of your friends and readers. My hopes and wishes go with those prayers.  
God Bless you.
You are loved by many.

((((Hugs))))
Jeanie xxxx  

fasttrack58 said...

Big hugs and always special thoughts!!
Linda :)

s0ngbird1962 said...

No cure, but there is remission...

Praying for that for you.  And when you get it, may it last decades....
Believe in miracles...

xo, Michelle

breakaway1968 said...

I'm always keeping my fingers crossed when I enter your new journal entries in hopes that it will be a GREAT one! One that reads..I am finally cancer free!  It makes me so sad that such wonderful people have to deal with all this and those out there who are not so nice are as healthy as a horse.  I guess that is called life and I'm so scared to get older!  I have read so many journals of people who suffer from this terrible disease and it never ends without one heck of a fight!  I really look up to you because you are one of those people who will keep fighting.  your family must be so proud of you!

sunnyside46 said...

every time I see you on my alerts i go straight to you first....always with a prayer....
Love
Marti

ldybutterfly1128 said...

Hi Kim,

I haven't written in a while, but I do keep up with you and I still pray for you.  My husband has just recently received the "it's not curable and you'll be on chemo for the rest of your life" news as well.  It is amazing to me how my husband, as well as you are still able to reach WAY down deep to find the strength to continue on after receiving such news.  I am further convinced that it is God alone that gives you the strength to carry on.  And even though you feel very weak, Kim, you have the strength of a million warriors!  I couldn't be more proud of you for your spirit to battle on.  It really is a blessing to know you...or at the very least be familiar with you.  Stay strong pink warrior!

May you be blessed with the gift of time, my friend.

God Bless You!
Jamie

dplkjl said...

I can not even imagine how hard it is.  I'm sorry this does not seem fair, and I wish I could make it go away.  I have been reading you for a long time now and I know that you have fought through the diagnosis, the treatment, the sickness from the treatment, the let down of hearing the medicines are not working, beginning the whole cycle over again, and you still have the ability to find the best out of the worst situation.  You deserve to get better and I keep praying it happens sooner than later, you need a break.  I am fotunate to NOT to have to fight everyday for a new day, and people who do not have that, we can never know what you go through every day.  But I see your strength and YOU AMAZE ME!  -Kelly

countrylady4071 said...

Dear Kim,
Your entry made me cry.  You have been in my thoughts ever since you were first diagnosed with this terrible disease.  I have read every entry you have made.  Like others, when I get an alert from you, I always read you first.  I just want you to know my thoughts and prayers are with you.  I pray God will heal you and make you healthy again.  May God bless you.
Hugs,
Pat

ukgal36 said...

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jmorancoyle said...

Hi Kim;
    I hope they find something easier for you to take. YOu are in my prayers.
Jude
http://journals.aol.com/jmorancoyle/MyWay
   

cathygirl9622 said...

my bff Hayley from camp told me something for people who survied cancer. it is "Don`t tell me the sky is the limit when there r foot prints on the moon". Even though i never met a person who had cancer it inspired me. now take this and BELIEVE.

                   from the 11 year old Catherine F

pprrrr39 said...

You never fail to amaze me....... no matter what is thrown at you and how bad you feel you still have that stubboness that fails to give in.... Thats what i love about you. You are an inspiration to others with this dreadful disease.

Keep battling Kim........ Hugs Jayne