Saturday, October 20, 2007

melancholy 472

My Mom says she misses my smile, my laughter.....I didn't even realize that I had lost it. I know my mind is still very active it's just that my mouth isn't as much anymore. I used to be talker.....hopefully not to the point that I annoyed anyone and people always seemed drawn to me, but now I think I keep all conversations locked in my head. I'm not sure if it's the Cancer and the Chemo that keeps me quiet with being to tired and sick most of the time or if it's the tons of pain medicine they have me on make me too stoned to share what's on my mind........quiet is not my norm. It could of been the whole brain radiation too, they said that WBR can alter ones personality. Maybe it's because after 44 years of talking non stop people finally feel the void...I hear the whispers  "she's so quiet now! I'm not used to her being so quiet!" It's been a while since chemo took my voice but it did this time I can either yell really loud or talk in a broken side effects are always so goofy! lol

The steroid is helping with my appetite....I find myself having to have a lil something in my stomach every couple of hours or I get the dry heaves now. With food comes nutrition, with nutrition comes strength. I had to stop my physical therapy while doing chemo, I was too weak for both, chemo first then hopefully at some point when I get to remission or a milder chemo and can do both.

I hate the fact that my blog seems to be taken over by my breast cancer, but cancer and it's treatment has taken over my life so there doesn't seem to be anything else to blog about, I get grounded from leaving the house by myself, I can't run off for hours with my camera anymore, one reason I have seemed to misplace it (oops!) some times when my weakness and my balance is real bad I'm banished to my room until someone gets home.....I'm feeling a lot older than my age.

I am craving my old life, my healthy life........I guess everyone that  goes through a life changing event is 472 days since my diagnosis........seems like forever then again seems like only yesterday...... I miss hanging out with all our friends, but with my immune system being compromised I have to avoid large groups and public Son already passed along his "PINK EYE" to me, but being breastcancer awareness month "PINK EYE"
seems appropriate! lol

For those of you who have put off their yearly mammogram's time to do it....they say if caught early enough the success of a cure looks good.......I caught mine early enough but it didn't do me any good....too a day can really make a difference, don't waste your tomorrows thinking it can't happen to you, because it can and it does....I'm living/dying proof of longer curable only treatable......what does that mean? That means until they either find a cure I am going to be dealing with cancer the rest of my life.....even if I'm one of the lucky ones that finds my way to remission the threat of it coming back will always be there


sybilsybil45 said...

I do so admire you finding the strengh just to come on here and chat to us...and to make us smile !!  never mind what other folks might be saying you are still our wonderful warrior and we would miss you so much if you couldn't come and chat to us.  It must be sad for your Mom though not to have your smiling face to see every time or your lovely laugh to hear....Thinking about you more aften than you can ever ever imagine.  Prayers will continue from us all at Box Methodist Church over here in the UK.  Love  Sybil xxxx

princesssaurora said...

{{{{ Kim }}}}}}  I am praying that you get to the day where the cancer, although in the back of your mind, it won't be in the front and part of your every waking minute.  I am sorry.  But, you are a warrior and you will get there...

Prayers and hugs....

be well,

nelishianatl said...

Sending you some loving thoughts today.  Warm hugs, soft pillows, good books, nice sweet dreams, and no pain, strength and everyone you love around you.


faithmtn said...

Feeling sick is draining. It's OK to be quiet! Conserve your energy for healing! You aren't the same person you once were. How could you be?? You have had to change your entire life. Chronic illness is life altering, everything is viewed from a different perspective. Only someone else who has "gone through the fire" can understand.

Your strength is so visible, one can feel it even through the words you write. You're in the valley, you will rise again and make it to the summit. Hang in there warrior woman!

"Failure is not in the falling down, but the staying down." ~Mary Pickford

ldybutterfly1128 said...

Dear Kim,

You have more strength than you realize.  Thank you for showing all of us the reality of what cancer, and treatment for that matter, does to a person.  You are my hero!  I gain so much strength from you, which in turn, is used to help my husband gain strength in his own battle with cancer.

You are such a blessing.  I'm praying for renewed strength for you as you rest at home.  

God Bless,


jckfrstross said...

enjoy your weekend:)


ladyvictoriak said...



ajquinn354 said...

Kim, a powerful journal writing today, know you are going through a lot with your cancer dear and it's naturally your biggest concern, so you just write your feelings and thoughts, we are all here for you and always keeping you in our special thoughts and prayers.  Hope everyone who reads your journal realizes the importants of having regular check-ups and mammograms done, I know I certainly do.  Having my Sis Mary Ann being a two time breast cancer survivor makes having my mammogram at the forefront of my health checks. Thanfully we live in the day of many medical treatments for any health problem, so there is always hope....keep your wonderful spirit.  Does your Mom read your journal Kim, if so she knows you are a Warrior and always have your sense of humor that gets us all laughing.  Glad the sterois is helping with your appetite to keep your strength up dear.  Always here for you, bless you and yours....Arlene (AJ)

astoriasand said...

Theres only one person who could makes us laugh about Pink Eye and thats you KIM LOL!!!Mom might miss your smile, but tell her you are making others smile all the time.You go Kim you can still do it .I have faith and hope.You'll find your way to remmision girl.I won't let you do any other.You keep eating those small meals.Prayers continuing thousandfold for you and yours.Take Gare God Bless.Kath

yonguejap said...

Kim, thank you for letting us share your journey.. you have given so much and taught us so much to. no, we don't always know what to say but we can pray  for you .Please , cont. to come and let us share with you and maybe we can help eachother.. I know you have helped me! God bless

ab45yui said...

Kim - Wanted to thank you again for the lovely note you left for me.  Going to call my MIL and talk to her about accessories, lol.  I saw a photo of her and almost did not recognize her because in her case she's picked up some weight.  But after looking a bit harder, realized yep that's her.  I appreciate your blog and it stretches beyond cancer to me.  Its your spirit and love and funny bone.  I guess I have a goof ball sense of humor too and I don't think that is a bad thing at all, nope not at all!  :-)

kirkbyj05 said...

Dear Kim

My dear make us smile all the time with the puns you come out with.  I admire your fist clenching threat at the cancer that seeks to bring you down.  It never will with your spirit. NEVER!
I'm glad that you are on the steroids so that you can nourish yourself and help your body fight this battle.  I pray for your cure.  Nothing less.
You are so brave and thoughful of others when you describe all that you go through for the sake of future breast cancer sufferers.
God Bless you!  And may he keep you safe for a very long time.
Jeanie xxx

bvaneps834 said...

You are still a very strong woman---even when all that stuff makes you seem weak! Please keep writing. I know you will get stronger as you get better! Prayers to God for you and your family are being prayed!!

pharmolo said...

You're right in saying that if cancer dominates your life, it's bound to dominate your blog. Nonetheless, you still smile through the blog, I imagine. Keep your spirits as high as you've done over the past 472 days. Oh, no need to count, I don't think. Up to you, of course.

shoot4mephoto said...

Boy Kim,
 You sure have been having a rough time of it......I wish I knew what to say...I don't have pretty words..only I care.....I hope you beat the cancer into remission....I'm scared of breast cancer...I hope you find some light through these dark times..
Love Lisa

sdoscher458 said...

((honey)) I keep praying for you. I hope that you asked your doctor about the treatment I wrote you about. It just made so much sense to me when I saw it on the TV news, go into the tumor not the whole body...the girl that was interviewed looked well, not even sick at all...yet she was the same aggressive breast cancer spread to her liver. So if you have only treatable not curable ... maybe this is the answer...shrink the tumors to nothingness and not destroy the rest of you. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about...I just want a cure for you. love, Sandi

hugsdoodlewacky said...

(((((((((((((HUGSTYOU))))))))))))))))))))You had alot to say there.I am sorrry you go through so much.Just know,I am praying for you.Have a nice evening.

chat2missie said...


tendernoggle said...

I know you are so tired of this crappy cancer that just won't leave you alone....Have you been to any other doctors yet? I just want so badly for you to get well...I love ya, I hope you know that and i am still praying for you.
love ,

sunnyside46 said...

I read this in "tuesdays with morrie"There was alittle wave that saw for the first time that he was going to crash on the beach. He was scared and he screamed, "oh, no, this is the end" An older wiser wave said, "dont' worry, you are not just a wave you are part of the ocean"
It's so good to hear from you.
When you write your voice is the same as always.

blpltt said...

Eight and a half years into remission, my cancer is a vague wimpish thing in the background.  BUT - if it does suddenly flex its muscles, your example will give me the strength I need.  You may not be talking, Kim, but you're certainly coming through.
Bunny xx

midwestvintage said...

 Your smiling by giving us the smile to wear for you until you get stronger.  Take care and rest mentally and physically to help fight this cancer.  And if anyone asks me why I am smiling I will say it for Kim.


katie39041 said...

If your not talking much you are saving your strength to beat this evil thats invaded your body. Your still you on the inside and thats all that matters. Your a loving caring person and all your friends are fighting your illness with you. There will be one hell of a party when you feel better. Your in my thoughts and prayers.
Love and hugs

hbound4 said...

Wishing you health and happiness. Funny how "we" can lose our smile and happiness and not even know it!

jasonzavoda said...

Keep in mind that life isn't curable only treatable, it's just that normally none of us thinks about it.

There is an old zen story about a monk who is chased off a cliff by a tiger. He grabs the roots of a tree as he falls. The tiger waits for him at the top and his grip is slipping, but among the roots are tangled the vines of a strawberry patch, and he plucks starwberry amd pops it into his mouth thinking how delicious life is.

It sucks to be sick and it sucks to have pain everyday when you can remember when you had none, and the whole deal, but there are still things that keep us coming back and wanting more of life, even if it means more pain.

But when I am sick I tend to talk about being sick because it is the big thing, the tiger that is chasing me, and sometimes sinking in a few claws or teeth. I like talking about the tiger because, A he is frightening, and, B he is exciting in a painful way, and for myself I hear him growling and feel some of his claws each day.

Then there is the strawberry, all of life is about that strawberry, that strawberry is everyone I love and every good day I have ever had, every feeling, sweet, delicious, and sometimes sad and scary. Even that tiger is part of that strawberry.

That tiger is going to eat all of us in the end, but remember the strawberry, have a taste of that strawberry every day, even if it is only thinking about that taste. When you are having a bad day reach for that strawberry, even if you can't get to it that day,  just trying gets you closer to it and further from the tiger, and if you get the chance, take a bite out that tiger as well.

When you taste that strawberry you will smile.

siennastarr said...


missy92980 said...

Your voice may not be heard loudly or constantly by those within earshot... but know that your voice, your laughter and your smile are being noted and recognized loud and clealy across this entire country through your blogs.  Every smile that your blog inspires, is part of you, so you are still smiling, and bringing smiles to all of those that love you. Hugs and prayers to you!

totallymentalben said...

{{{{ Kim }}}} Some day they're going to invent something so someone can reach right through this piece of glass and give you the biggest, tightest hug you've ever gotten. Until they do invent that just know how much I want them to. Regardless of the course of things, you are victorious, Kim, because you've resolved to be. You bring so much to so many. Most people are just out there existing. You're touching lives, and in big ways too.


beckiepainton said...

one day your whisper will turn up he volume a little!untill then , get well!! Beckie x

wildautumn1 said...

I've reading along with your journal & I just wanted to know you are an inspiration to me. My family is dealing with a lot of health issues which means a lot of pain, a lot of doctors, tests & various medications.  I can't complain when I read everything you go through. Like you, I just want my old self back. I want to laugh again, smile, walk, sleep, etc, but I have a feeling that there is a new self that I need to get to know & deal with. Keeping you in my prayers ~ Karen

thegirlnexdoor77 said...

LOL...on the Pink eye seeming always have such a spark to you even when you are fighting such a battle..Hang in there Kim!  Hugs,TerryAnn