My Mom says she misses my smile, my laughter.....I didn't even realize that I had lost it. I know my mind is still very active it's just that my mouth isn't as much anymore. I used to be talker.....hopefully not to the point that I annoyed anyone and people always seemed drawn to me, but now I think I keep all conversations locked in my head. I'm not sure if it's the Cancer and the Chemo that keeps me quiet with being to tired and sick most of the time or if it's the tons of pain medicine they have me on make me too stoned to share what's on my mind........quiet is not my norm. It could of been the whole brain radiation too, they said that WBR can alter ones personality. Maybe it's because after 44 years of talking non stop people finally feel the void...I hear the whispers "she's so quiet now! I'm not used to her being so quiet!" It's been a while since chemo took my voice but it did this time I can either yell really loud or talk in a broken whisper.........my side effects are always so goofy! lol
The steroid is helping with my appetite....I find myself having to have a lil something in my stomach every couple of hours or I get the dry heaves now. With food comes nutrition, with nutrition comes strength. I had to stop my physical therapy while doing chemo, I was too weak for both, chemo first then hopefully at some point when I get to remission or a milder chemo and can do both.
I hate the fact that my blog seems to be taken over by my breast cancer, but cancer and it's treatment has taken over my life so there doesn't seem to be anything else to blog about, I get grounded from leaving the house by myself, I can't run off for hours with my camera anymore, one reason I have seemed to misplace it (oops!) some times when my weakness and my balance is real bad I'm banished to my room until someone gets home.....I'm feeling a lot older than my age.
I am craving my old life, my healthy life........I guess everyone that goes through a life changing event does..........today is 472 days since my diagnosis........seems like forever then again seems like only yesterday...... I miss hanging out with all our friends, but with my immune system being compromised I have to avoid large groups and public places.....my Son already passed along his "PINK EYE" to me, but being breastcancer awareness month "PINK EYE" seems appropriate! lol
For those of you who have put off their yearly mammogram ......it's time to do it....they say if caught early enough the success of a cure looks good.......I caught mine early enough but it didn't do me any good....too aggressive....so a day can really make a difference, don't waste your tomorrows thinking it can't happen to you, because it can and it does....I'm living/dying proof of that.......no longer curable only treatable......what does that mean? That means until they either find a cure I am going to be dealing with cancer the rest of my life.....even if I'm one of the lucky ones that finds my way to remission the threat of it coming back will always be there.