Friday, April 20, 2007

Reeling but dealing.....

As usual my intuition was correct...that tiny voice telling me that my cancer was back and that it's bad. Words that not only hurt my family, my friends but words that will hurt so many of you.

I met with one of Dr. Serious's Associates who us also an Associate Teaching Professor at a leading Medical University here in Chicago...I really liked her style and we clicked instantly. Before she could talk I told her that I knew that my cancer was back and that I knew that for it to have reoccurred so soon that it really never left my body, I told her what I didn't know was what they (Doctors) were going to do to try to stop it from taking my life. What I wasn't prepared for was the news that because it is in at least 4 possibly 5 places in BOTH lungs that they are unable to operate and remove them....1, 2 and possibly 3 places they can remove with an operation...3 or more leaves me with lungs that resemble swiss cheese...understood that analogy immediately.

The other blow to my heart was the fact that I am no longer considered curable, I will be what the medical field refers to as a Chronic Cancer Patient the rest of my life, my only hope now is for remission and that people can go a long time in remission before having to do battle again...with my cancer we never know where it will show up next. I did not know until late after noon yesterday if indeed it was my BC because of the drug Tomaxifen that I have been taking since ending chemo in January masked the tumors biopsy giving it a false negative to testing for estrogen receptive/progesterone receptive positive resultls indicating that for sure it was my BC that spread to my lungs...so they now had to look at the tumors that were taken out of my left breast in August of last year and compare them to the tissue that was taken out of the tumor in my right lung and it was a match...So for sure it is my BC that spread and believe it or not, that is the good news...many, many more options with BC than with Lung Cancer....so I am happy with the diagnosis.

Tuesday morning I start chemo again...this time in a pill form that I will be taking twice a day for 2 weeks, then a week off then two more weeks on then one week off and then I will be given another scan to see if there has been a change in the tumor, nodes and nodules...if there is a decrease in size then I am on the right meds if not if they grow or spread some more, a new chemo drug will be given.  Still some more good news in this heart breaking entry is that the drugs I will be taking now during this round of chemo will not be as harsh on my body as the AC and T drugs that I took before and I most likely will be keeping my new hair, eyebrows and eyelashes....yahooooo! I don't mind being ill, I mind looking ill, it makes everyone who see's me uncomfortable. I get the look "OMG she has cancer, I wonder if she's dying?" or the look where they briefly envision themselves in my shoes and they look as if they are going to throw up.....or worse yet it takes them back to a time when they lost a loved one to cancer and I see the heart break revisited in their eyes....that one gets to me! No harm done, no harm taken with those looks...if it makes them re-evaluate what they are doing wrong in their life or for their life then stare away.

Cancer was found in 4 places in my right lung....the tumor in the top right portion of my lung, the right subcarinal lymph node and the right lower hilar lymph node as well as the left upper hilar lymph node in my left lung...I also have several small nodules in both lungs that are too small to detect cancer and will be watched during chemo to see if they disappear altogether.

Treatment and hopefully remission will allow time...another silver lining in this is that breast cancer study is at the for front of most cancers and new drugs and new treatments are being developed every day....so I have many things to try to save me and give me more time with my Jim and my kids....I am NOT terminal yet and as long as I have options I will battle like the PINK WARRIOR that I am!!!

So I think I will have a great summer after all even if my boobs are a lil lopsided in all those cute summer tops I bought...hmmmmm duct tape anyone?? lmaooooo

59 comments:

rayne1123 said...

my father in law has incurable cancer also and he is taking the chemo pills the same way as you are, he also goes in once a month for iv chemo.  i will be praying for you and your family
hugs and prayer
noelle

ukgal36 said...

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mutualaide said...

Well, if good thoughts and prayers will get you the time you need and want to do battle, then I am right here sending them your way.  You are an inspiration to all of us who stop by and visit.

canyonsun04 said...

<~~Handing you the duct tape <BIG SMILE> And omit YET after terminal will ya??? LOL  Well, your right every day they are finding new treatment options and we are getting farther & farther to finding cures! SO go PINK WARRIOR!!!
Hugs
Ang

gosso23 said...

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midwestvintage said...

 I am so sorry about this latest news.  It just isn't fair as you know.  You will remain in my prayers.  I am glad the next round of chemo isn't going to be as difficult to tolerate.

                    Julie

inquestoftruth said...

God is STILL a God of miracles and HOPE.   I, for one, am not finished praying for yours.
~Meg

mariebm56 said...

I am sorry, Kim, to hear about your diagnosis.  Keeping you in my prayers for a speedy & peaceful recovery~
{{HUGS}}
Marie

astaryth said...

I have no words...

But, know that you are such an inspiration to me and so many others.... OUR PINK WARRIOR! I know that you won't be giving up, and neither are any of us. Good wishes, thoughts, crossed fingers, and anything else I can think up will continue to wing your way.
http://journals.aol.com/astaryth/AdventuresofanEclecticMind/
http://adventuresofaneclecticmind.blogspot.com/

lisa41076 said...

Awwwwwwww Kim I am so sorry about your diagonosis but if you need a friend email me anytime Lisa41076@aol.com, Hugs Lisa

jcole16757 said...

Kim, I'm so sorry to hear this news.  Keep fighting, I know you have a lot of spunk in you and know that many people are keeping you in their thoughts and prayers.  The power of prayer is incredible.  My prayers continue~

ajquinn354 said...

Kim dear, so sorry, but miracles happen every day dear.  Keep my Cousin's medal close at hand always dear.  Please if you haven't talked with your Doctors about the RFA - Radio Frequency Ablation please do. My Cousin Bruce has gone this way with his lung/liver cancer and it helped, please look into this.   I'm here for you dear as are all the other caring J-land friends, Bless you dear. Arlene (AJ)

mosie1944 said...

I sure hate to hear this, but I'm praying for victory for you.  It's really all I can do.  I wish there was more.

nhd106 said...

Kim,
Although the news isn't very good....you have a lot of "bright sides" to things that you are able to see.  You are a beautiful person and we are all a bit better because of you.
Love,
Nancy

mikev009 said...

Really sad to hear it.  ~ Mike

jonathanfoxley said...

i had goose bumps reading your entry, still do, in the frustration of how things go sometimes.
my prayers are still with you and i have faith that your strength will set you free in any direction that you may go.
love to you
lucy x

katie39041 said...

I know you will do battle and you have all  jland behind you. Keep fighting girl. You are in my thoughts and prayers
love and big hugs
Katie

happysunshien said...

my grandmother was dx at the age of 43 as a chronic cancer patiend and was in remission for 17 years....there is hope and you know it!

love you

Kelly

mzgoochi said...

((((((((((((((KIM)))))))))))))))

sangrialel said...

Kim,  This is hard news to hear and it makes me very sad but Iknow that you are a warrior and you will be fighting for victory.  I will be here praying for a victory for you! Linda

glensfork4 said...

Kim-I am truly sad with this entry...and I know I am not the only one..I will continue to pray for you and your healing...Keep up that "silver lining"!!

Michele
http://journals.aol.com/glensfork4/these-are-my-thoughts/

gandsbrock said...

{{{{Kim}}}}  This is so heartbreaking - but I will be praying that you go into remission until you are a very, very old lady.
Take care, Stephanie

pippa1116 said...

this is a sad entry.  as always, your attitude and outlook are amazing. I think you will beat this.  
and yes, you will have a great summer

trishaham said...

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justplainbill said...

Kim. I cannot say it better than Nancy did. "we are all a bit better because of you."
For that we thank you. My prayers will continue.
Good Luck and Love, Bill

princesssaurora said...

{{{ Kim }}}  Dang, your little voices are good, girlfriend!  Praying for you... lots and lots of prayers... keep us posted!!

be well,
Dawn

mumma4evr said...

still praying ans sending hugs and prayers
Becky

siennastarr said...

God Bless you.. and your strength.. and  your wonderful attitude!  I am in awe of you, my friend...

You are in my prayers.. as always..

Love and hugs
Jackie

chat2missie said...

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ajquinn354 said...

Kim, was reading the message before this one and she said she'd give youher phone number to call her if you need to talk or is there an address if we'd like to drop you a note, card, etc. Know so many of us care about you dear.   I'd be more than happy to do the same if you'd like a friend to talk with.  Just drop me a note at ajquinn354@aol.com.  Bless you....Arlene (AJ)

mccine said...

I am having a word less day. I am with you. Fight On! Annie

hsauls said...

God bless ya, girl... you sound like you're really hanging in there... I know it's heartbreaking. I know  you have fears and "what ifs" and I can only say... just live every day to the fullest and share with us what you can... we will celebrate every minute with you and pray that there are many wonderful times ahead for you!
*hugs*
heather

sunnyside46 said...

you will do what you have to do and you will do it with grace, style and charm, but oh,how I wish you didn't have to do it.
Your strength, humor and guts keep me going.I take your words and hide them in my heart.
I love you
Marti

dklars said...

Continued prayers for you, Warrior Kim!
~~Kath~~

pharmolo said...

Sorry about the setback, Kim. At least it is an extension of the original BC, and there are still plenty of options, which you rightly see as an opportunity for improvements where possible. I have dealt with cancer patients like yourself in the past on a professional level (see screenie), and was (and still am) deeply impressed with the very positive attitude. I wish you strength for the battles that lie ahead. Lopsided boobs? Who cares :-P

lanurseprn said...

Just keep that strong attitude, and your sense of humor. That is what is getting my best friend through his treatments. He has fought a hard battle, and you can too.  You ARE doing it!  You're an amazing woman Kim. You've got a lot of support.  Don't give up.
Pam

stupidsheetguy said...

You WILL battle like the Greatest Pink Warrior, of that I have no doubt, and we will be with you all the way. I also have no doubt about that!

Jimmy

sugarsweet056 said...

From one pink warrior to another...you go gurl!!!!
Sorry to hear of this, but so inspired by your spirit!
Will continue to keep you in my prayers (took your Support Tag down as requested, understand it being a daily reminder to you). If I can be of help or support in any way, please email me. I'm only a mouse click away.
Hugs,
Sugar
http://journals.aol.com/sugarsweet056/SUGARSLIFE/
my other journal links on my side bar




wickedpink64 said...

I will see if I can find you a pair of pink 'chicken fillets' for your summer tops!!!...lol  So, break out the tweezers, wouldn't want you getting a mono-brow now the hair is staying!!!!

Seriously though...every good vibe I can muster is coming your way, along with any extra karma points I can find (not sure I have many banked but you are welcome to what I do have!!!)

Hugs to ya

Wendy in Oz

dplkjl said...

Ugh, not the news we were all hoping for.  I just would like to see you get a break once and for all in this...I am going to cling on the good news in all of this...that it is breast cancer and not lung cancer (very good thing) and that they able to treat you...and that you are a tough cookie and if I was battling cancer, I would want to have what you have...a tough spirit! I am SO routing for you Kim!
-Kelly

imshadowraven2 said...

Hey g/f not the words i wanted to read but like u what i expected. Hows jim and the kids doing ? I know how ur doing is why i didnt ask . And u know im here for u and i hope if u feel the need u can take strength in the fact that u r loved .................Robin

psychfun said...

I'm sorry to hear all this but yes happy it is not worse. You will be the inspiration to so many as you go OVERCOME this! I'm sorry I don't know why she popped in my head right now but I thought of SARK...do you know her books? I thought of her one title "Eat Mangos Naked".... ;-) Here is her website:

http://www.planetsark.com/

gaboatman said...

Kim
I just want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers.  Be a warrior and beat this thing.
Ssam

tendernoggle said...

YOU ARE GONNA BEAT THIS THING KIM....I KNOW YOU ARE!
LOVE YA,
CARLENE

ginabommer said...

kim, please know that you are in my prayers... i have been lighting a candle every morning when i drop colin off at school.... please keep your chin up and fight that fucking cancer..... CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( sorry if my language offends anyone) CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rbrown6172 said...

i like your title here....it speaks of your spirit and attitude.  you have so many people behind you giving support and offering up prayers.  stay strong!
gina

thinkingoutloud said...

Take it one day at a time.

I hope you are not in much pain.
You never really say.  

Stay strong & believe,
Love n prayers,
Niki

jmorancoyle said...

    All my love and all my prayers. Take care of yourself.
Jude
http://journals.aol.com/jmorancoyle/MyWay

cneinhorn said...

i don't know what to say...so i'll just say that i'm thinking of you....

am4039 said...

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therealstephhull said...

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shauneenie said...

Hey Kim (as in KimPossible !!! Do you know the kids show?)Praying for strength to continue this hard battle.You are NOT alone in this.I don't know you personally but I know your spirit and it has changed my life! Thank you for allowing us to walk this walk with you!Always in my prayers- Shauneen (South Africa)
http://journals.aol.com/shauneenie/bits of me

lazarai said...

Aw, SHOOT, Kimberleigh....this just plain, well, SUCKS. I'm REALLY sorry to hear this news. It's so awesome that your sense of humor is intact and that you are keeping your head together. You need ALL of your faculties to continue the fight. I will keep you in my thoughts until we hear some good news from you. Hang in there and keep the faith!!

Lotsa hugs,
Carol

inafrnz247 said...

That 'tiny' voice needs to reconsider it's motives now...  It must be loud and strong and downright pushy!  When you are lost, when your head is down and all seems unbearable, I pray you hear that same voice pushing you forward.  Hell, even I HEAR your voice telling me to get up and live!  

My mom runs the Look Good, Feel Better program at our Norris Cotton Cancer Center.  She lives for how these woman feel when they leave a meeting...  How they walk away feeling on top instead of crushed, as they do upon walking in the door.  I'm thankful also, that you will keep your newly grown hair and that it will help you feel a little better in the process.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Michelle

rainy35 said...

(((Kim)))  You're in my prayers daily girl!
Hugs,
Dana

sdoscher458 said...

((Kim)) Yes, hearing the words does hurt. But I have hope, precious hope to cling to that the treatments will work and rid you of this terrible disease. I know that you believe in faith...and you know we are all praying for you. Daily they are coming out with better ways to fight against this...has your doctor mentioned any cutting edge trials that may be around.  Remember MzGoochi had something done with I think gene theraphy...ask her.  Hang in there....love, Sandi

rdautumnsage said...

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candlejmr said...

I am so sad for you.  And I love you.  And I will ALWAYS be here for you.

And that is all I can think of to say because this sucks and I am speechless but I know you are a warrior and you are going to give this your all.

And I am so glad the treatment will not makes you as sick....or bald.

((hugs)) and much love,
Jeanne

pprrrr39 said...

Kim,
I am truly sorry to hear this news.
Stay strong
hugs
Jayne