Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Fear and Loathing....Oh yeah and Happy Hour Later! lol

Cancer and fear surround me
like shards of broken glass
I am afraid to move
afraid to cut myself
and bleed to death
on the thoughts that
run through in my head

This time I have foreboding
this time I feel as if I
have been cheated
I gave of myself
flesh and blood
to stop this from claiming me

I took the poison that
is used to kill this disease
chemo is it's name
only to find out
that it is I who will be
claimed by cancer after all
if I am once again
resistant to the poison

Weakness is not easy
for me to expose
it makes others uneasy
as they sit on the sidelines
and watch me do battle
so I'll remain quiet and keep
my fears to myself
as I once again
battle with the face
of a warrior
that wasn't a mask before
as it is this time around.


kmh 2007


 


Just as these thoughts enter my mind, my spark for life ignites once again and I am joyful for this day, for this day I do not have to do battle with cancer, this day will be spent with friends and people who love me so for today I win......I'm still afraid to shop (for myself) for I hear the whisper of dead people don't shop, sometimes I wish I could turn off the head noise........most days I can if I keep my mind occupied, it is in the darkness of night and the quiet moments of the day these whispers speak loudly to me....so many what if's? so many I love you's! So many I am sorry's....The only question now is how much time....a few months, a few years, a few more decades...I won't really know the answer to that question until after this battle is over and we once again search for this ugly disease that seems as stubborn as myself to claim victory.


There are days where I feel it has already claimed my sanity and then something in life presents itself and life goes on for the day...those moments a precious to me.....today's diversion will be a late lunch with some girlfriends and will be including Happy Hour......Bartender, MAKE MINE A DOUBLE! lol lol lol


Ok, after writing this earlier this morning I did run out and buy myself something.....shoes! Even the fear of death can't keep me from a really good shoe sale! lmaoooooo I'm on my way to happy hour!!!!!




30 comments:

emabecmar said...

enjoy life and take it one step at a time. I know how your feeling, I have been there. ((((((hugs))))))))
Cindy

gosso23 said...

Kim that was beautifully written. You have such a way with words.  Stay strong, I know it's hard, sometimes we don't want to be strong but I know you can beat this. Take care,
Trish
http://journals.aol.com/gosso23/my-breast-cancer-story/

ukgal36 said...

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cvgflydis said...

I hear the  "realist" of you coming through in your words today. Because we all NEED HOPE, but facing the what if's are just as much as challenge as the cancer itself.  I continue to be with you daily, and worry about those days you are not here typing something for the rest of us "standing on the sidelines".  My prayers are with you Kim.......{{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Angel

wickedpink64 said...

Not being in control of our lives sucks doesn't it!  That's what would piss me off the most!  That I didn't have control - but I also think you can wrestle it back from that sucker! Screw Cancer! Take back what is rightfully yours!... Oh and Happy hour should be extended!  

Hugs to ya

Wendy in Oz

inquestoftruth said...

All I can do is pray...so pray I will.    Beautiful words from a beautiful, strong woman.    
~Meg

candlejmr said...

You have SUCH a way with words.  I'm SO glad there's a happy hour in your schedule today!!!  Because, as scary as all this cancer stuff is, Kim needs to go out and celebrate KIM today!!!

((hugs)) and love,
Jeanne

sdoscher458 said...

Your poetry has so much feeling in it, honestly captures your heart.  My dear please stay strong, imagine the enemy being buffeted lower and lower = in your mind's eye..never lose that picture. I know, easy words to say, but please believe that the mind has vast powers at times. My prayers are with you ..Sandi

canyonsun04 said...

Ohhh Lunch sounds GREAT!!!!
Love
Ang

midwestvintage said...

 I was reading yesterday from a man who was diagnosed with cancer said the first few minutes, hours, and days, when he was first diagnosed with cancer, with the shock and questions and numbness, were worse than the chemo.   He also talked about the nagging voice.  Hope you can keep shutting it up in a room in the back of your mind and enjoy each and every day.   Enjoy your lunch.

                 Julie

nhd106 said...

You must be more stubborn than the disease...ok?  You must.
And if you're not...WE will be.  Got that?

Nancy

blazensun said...

My prayers are with you Kim.
Hugs to you.
Sunny

kirkbyj05 said...

Yes I agree with one of your friends below.  Being diagnosed with cancer is worse than the chemo.  To experience it twice is another knock on that door of anguish fear and despair. You are living life to the full Kim and enjoying every moment with friends and family don't let this cancer take that from you. Only you can determine how much energy you have left to put into this fight.  Please know that all of us are praying so very hard to help you through it.  If I could I would take it and carry it for you.  I have had much longer on this earth than you. I send you the strength of my faith and love of my fellow man.  I pray and will it that you will beat it this time. God Bless you and keep you safe for a long time with your family.
Jeanie

pharmolo said...

You're strong, and will stay strong. It will NOT claim you. Have a good week.

sunnyside46 said...

I had a thought. I don't know how to go about doing it,but it might help you to try to get some of those poems published. It would be a big help to others with the disease and maybe give you something to feel like you are fighting back in a way where you can win a victory, another front to do battle on.
I love you,
Marti

sangrialel said...

Happy hour sounds like just what you need!  ENJOY!  Linda

tendernoggle said...

Bless your heart......I am praying for you to have a blessed and wonderul Tuesday sweetie!
love ya,
carlene

ajquinn354 said...

Kim, bless you dear, know for you this is such a hrd time with worry an concern, but just keep on enjoying each day, laughing and sharing times with your friends and family.  Life doesn't guarantee any of us a tomorrow so we all need to make the most of every day.  Know we're all here for you dear and you are always in our thoughts and prayers....Arlene (AJ)

paisleyskys said...

Kim,
I want to come hug you, cry with you and maybe I would even get drunk ( don't drink) with you.
I know this fear but never have I had to walk so far afraid as you have.
Tears...I swell up with tears reading your words of strength.
You are so strong, maybe the tears make you even stronger and when you need to lean it is only to gather more strength.
Peace my friend...Peace.
You could post this at Write Words if you would want...it is beautifully written.
TJ

princesssaurora said...

My warrior friend... you rock... and you will win... I can feel it...  Sending prayers and good juju!

be well,
Dawn
http://journals.aol.com/princesssaurora/CarpeDiem/

lanurseprn said...

Happy Hour and girlfriends....that's a perfect day!
Pam

rdautumnsage said...

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glensfork4 said...

Bless you....and have a GREAT GIRLS DAY OUT!!!

Michele
http://journals.aol.com/glensfork4/these-are-my-thoughts/

jcole16757 said...

Enjoy yourself with your friends at happy hour~

gehi6 said...

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chevyz71gurl74 said...

I love me some shoes...glad you found a great pair!
Happy Hour with your girlfriends...a perfect ending to
any day...lol....drink one for me =)
Hugs,
Terri

siennastarr said...

Don't give in.. and don't give up, Kim!  So many are rooting for you.. and you know you can always come here and vent..

Love and prayers
Jackie

irenemaeclark said...

Sometimes death claims its victims without warning...as in the Virginia Tech deaths.  Cancer at least gives us an inkling that death is stalking us.  We can prepare ourselves.  We can think about our Eternal Destiny and ask ourselves if we are truely ready if death should be our lot.  A tiny moment in which we can decide if  we believe that Jesus is The Son of God and that He died for our sins so that we can be saved by His grace.  A tiny moment to ask God's forgiveness for our sins and to ask Him to come into our life.... Salvation is His gift to us if we believe, if we accept His gift.  So take a moment to pray the prayer if you never have...and then receive the hope that at least Everlasting Life can be yours.  Believe that He has The Power to provide healing if it is His will.  Ask Him to be your strength, to help your unbelief when your faith becomes weak.  Our Redeamer, The Giver of Life, may He embrace you this day and may He comfort you and grant you His Peace that with Him all things are possible.
   My sister and I were told we both had cancer a week apart in 2003.  I had 1 breast removed.  So far we are doing well.  

stupidsheetguy said...

I read the poem, and then I read this:"Ok, after writing this earlier this morning I did run out and buy myself something.....shoes! Even the fear of death can't keep me from a really good shoe sale! lmaoooooo I'm on my way to happy hour!!!!!"

And I know you're going to be ok. Enjoy those shoes!

Jimmy

pprrrr39 said...

Kim........do not let these voices beat you......you are stronger than them
hugs
Jayne