Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Where my head is at today 4/3/07

1:40 p.m. Yesterday I awoke from an afternoon nap......something I haven't done since chemo (napping that is, not the waking part! lol) My cell phone is ringing, it's my Surgeon who calls me with the news I already knew but wanted to be told my intuition was wrong this time. When I heard the pap test was abnormal I panicked for about a minute then this little voice in the back of my head told me Kim, it's going to be alright....then we find the new lump in the right boob...momentarily panic or maybe I was just annoyed that this cancer shit wasn't ending but still I heard that little voice telling me don't worry...all is well.

When I was told the breast MRI showed a suspicious lesion on my lung......I waited for that little voice....it never spoke to me again. Having that dream over the weekend about going through my things and giving things away because I was dying was that little voice telling me my fate.

Do I think I am dying? Not just yet.....do I think even though I won round 1 and now have to do round 2 that I am dying....little voice tells me no.....but that little voice tells me that is what will claim me when my time here on earth is through....either way it's a win/win situation for me......I fight this battle and win, I get to spend more time with loved ones......I fight this battle and loose and I get to spend some time with my loved ones who have already passed over to the other side......the ones that won't win are the ones I'll leave behind....we who are left behind hurt and grieve and feel the loss the most....I know this to be true because of those I have already lost.

For Jim's sake I pray not now, not this time...life will be to painful for him, my children will suffer the most......loosing your parent when you are a child really messes you up and sometimes it takes years to see just how messed up you are/were.

Last night my GF called me who only at 39 is on an oxygen tank due to pulmonary fibrosis and our other GF who twitches up a storm because her nerves are shot since her Father died of lung cancer a few years ago decided in the wake of my bad news........happy hour was definitely needed......so there we were, one bald chick, one oxygenated chick and a twitching chick got a lil sloshed......I needed it, they needed it and today is a new day.


 



Me, Mar and Chelle




So I'm still working through some issues now but I wanted to thank all of you for once again carrying me when I am to weary to carry myself.....I don't know just how I feel right now but I'm working on that.


Just got the note that I had inadvertently put in march 3, 07.....Freudian slip? Happier time? probably a lil bit of both. Any way I changed it.

55 comments:

fisherkristina said...

So sorry.  Keep fighting.  

Krissy
http://journals.aol.com/fisherkristina/SometimesIThink

rayne1123 said...

you are in my prayers.  my mother had breast cancer about 14 years ago and after a 10 year remition she had it back in the other breast.  the first time they found it because she had a bump on her breast but it was nothing, thankfully she found it though because inside she had the real thing it had been there for about 5 years at the time.  i pray that you are at peace through this all and that you are not to worried.  this is a horrible disease but with your strength and will and GOD by your side i do believe you will come through this just fine.  it is so hard to lose a parent or wife/husband from any thing. please stay strong for your self and your family.
hugs and prayers
noelle

jlocorriere05 said...

Kim, although I'm new to your journal your strength and attitude shine through. You're in my prayers that you and your family win this battle. Jeannette xx  http://journals.aol.co.uk/jlocorriere05/Welcometomytravels/  

littlelady1699 said...

keep fighting and praying...put your fate in Gods hands .....but don't ever give up!!!! If you believe in Jesus then no matter what will happen .....YOU will be ok!

patty

ps.. we love you here in J land!

mawmellow said...

(((((Kim)))))
 I'll carry you.....after all....you're not heavy, you're my sister.  I love you !

katie39041 said...

I am so sorry your fight is not over.  You shine through and i know you will beat it. And if anyone deserved to get sloshed it would be you and your friends. You are in my prayers and thoughts
love and hugs
katie

hannahkallie said...

I thought about you all night last night, and then first thing this morning.  I have read your journal since last year, I never commented, but I felt compelled to today.  I am not sure how many battles this cancer war will throw at you, but I am confident that if anyone can win this - it is someone with your strength.  You must feel worn out, but looking from the outside in...I know this newest kink in your amour in no match for you. My thoughts are with you!
Kelly

pharmolo said...

You continue to be in my thoughts, Kim. It is impossible to imagine how you must feel at this time, although you are firmly with two feet on the ground. You know the score. Continue the fight, we're here, one with you.

candlejmr said...

I've got hugely large shoulders and I'm here to carry you whenever you need it....((hugs)) always,
Jeanne

emabecmar said...

my thoughts and prayers are with you. ((((((hugs))))))))))
Cindy

kirkbyj05 said...

Kim..?  You have a beautiful mind.  You also have many many people who love you because of how you have shared yourself here in your journal.  I was unable to do that as much when going through my cancer treatment.  I have been through blood tests and x-rays last week and soon bone scans and ultra sound.  Do you know something?   Even if it does catch up with us in the end it will be nice getting to know you all over again on the other side.  But like you... there is no way I will ever go anywhere without a fight!!!!  Hang in there my dear Jland friend.  YOU are too 'Special!'  Don't give up...this is just one more way of showing that you are better than this cancer.  I am one of many who are rooting in your corner dear girl.  All the very best to you.   Jeanie

ukgal36 said...

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springangel235 said...

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rdautumnsage said...

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canyonsun04 said...

Your dreams of giving things away signify many things, moving on, a next step in your life, starting a CLEAN SLATE, giving away things can also signify "cleaning our lives up", sometimes we inerpret our dreams as how they are seen in our sleeping state.   I agree with you, now is not your time so your going to have to fight then again sweetie, so hold on with all you got and gear up for another round of a winning battle, you WILL do this.....AGAIN.
I had quite a image of all 3 of you getting tanked btw :)
Hugs
Ang

thegirlnexdoor77 said...

I am glad you and your friend had some time together.  I want you to know that you are in my prayers and thoughts daily several times a day!  I will be praying for you all Kim!  Hugs,TerryAnn

chat2missie said...

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debbi4873 said...

I truly admire your strength and humor.  I have had my turn with the cancer thing and the chemo thing, and that was 12 years ago.  I did this thing where I would visualize the chemo drugs traveling through my body like little warriors destroying all the cancer cells.  Sounds crazy, I know.  Stay strong, stay positive, and keep fighting.  Let the little voice that tells you that you're going to survive this shout.  Remember how many people are praying for you, and count me as one of them.  God bless you and keep you well.

nhd106 said...

Your thoughts and feelings will probably change moment to moment...that's fine.   I'm glad we're along for the ride with you.   Keep the smile, k?

Nancy

stupidsheetguy said...

I wish that somehow we could maybe one time get a magic wand to make someone's troubles disappear, because I know where I'd use mine right now. But we both know there aren't any magic wands. There are a few options here: prayers (delivered as promised, last night) and good wishes from everyone who knows you, both here and in your "real" life. That I can guarantee exists, and I'll bet they'll work for you again.

Jimmy

psychfun said...

Yes, there are so many SURVIVORS who have had to do many rounds of this fight. There is no reason you can't be one of them! Just keep fighting. Just fight this moment & when you get to the next fight that moment! Prayers still with you.

thinkingoutloud said...

Your mind and inner strength is amazing.  
No one ever knows what is going on inside their body.  No one!

You are such a strong person & I refuse to believe that you will let this disease take you down.  
I know you will have 'bad' days that will mentally wear at you.  But just stop and think of all the people that you have touched, including me.  

I know in your "real life" you have tons of support and love and you never have to be alone.  You are so fortunate in that way.

Love ya-
Niki

seraphoflove9001 said...

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glensfork4 said...

I am sorry about the news, and will hold you tight in prayer. FIGHT like you have never done before and round 2 will be over before you know it.....

Michele
http://journals.aol.com/glensfork4/these-are-my-thoughts/

plieck30 said...

Yes today is a new day and good luck to you three brave ladies. Paula

rainy35 said...

You have always had a positive attitude and fight in you.  I admire that.  Keepin ya in my prayers, always.
Hugs,
Dana

coopsbaby said...

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mariebm56 said...

I've always admired your positive attitude, always looking for the good in everything.
Be strong....I'm keeping you in my prayers~
{{hugs}}
Marie

iamtish0726 said...

Normally I would say something like you are the s - - -.  However, since this is not my journal I am going to be nice and say you are the SUGAR.  That's a good thing.  Wow.  You give me so much hope.  I am amazed and I am grateful that you are allowing us to be a part of this.  Thank you so very much.  Very Much.  Hugs.  Tish

lanurseprn said...

You just amaze me with your strength, Kim.  Love the pic of you and your friends.  You look so pretty!  You really do!  I'm so grateful you are sharing this journey with us.  If it helps one person, you have done well.
Love to you,
Pam

madcobug said...

Your attitude is great. I like the picture of the three of you. I think you look three look good I am keeping you all in my prayers. Helen

gandsbrock said...

Glad you got to go out and distract yourself with some good friends.  Um, the boobie posse can't function without you, so you aren't going anywhere, ya hear?   Tell your little voice that it will be a long, long while.
Take care, Stephanie

ajquinn354 said...

Kim when we are having these ups and downs and emotions going all different directions, can't think of a better thing than a get together with your "Special Sisters" who listen to us, let us vent and say hey, let's go out and have one heck of a fun night.....just what you needed dear. Know you are going through so much dear, but you are one strong lady, we've all seen it this whole time in your journal, so you don't ever give up, keep that I can beat anything attitude and allow yourself to enjoy every day Kim.  No your dream wasn't telling you your fate, it was your current news and trying to deal with it dear. Stay positive Kim, miracles happen when you do and keep fighting.  We're here for you along with your hubby, kids and family and friends, we won't give up on you, so don't you do that either....bless you.....Arlene (AJ)

jcole16757 said...

I just love your attitude, which happens to be the best sort of attitude when battling something like this.  Glad you had a good time out with the girls.  Something much needed as a distraction.  Hang in there!  We're all in support of you and your family~

happysunshien said...

kim im thinking bout you.....

kelly

lurkynat said...

Hello
Stephanie sent me over. May i offer you my sympathy and my prayers for your speedy recovery?
hugs,natalie

inafrnz247 said...

...Standing beside you all the way, Kim.  You have so much courage, so much strength and so much love..  You will find your way through this.  

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,

Michelle

tendernoggle said...

YOU KNOW I AM HERE...WE ALL ARE ...AND WE WILL BE HERE THROUGH THICK AND THIN....YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS KIM...WE MAY NOT BE VISABLE BUT WE ARE HERE NONE THE LESS AND ARE ALL PRAYING AND ROOTING FOR YOU.

LOVE YA,
CARLENE

karensull12 said...

Sending positive thoughts and vibes your way.  I love your attitude.  It will take you far.  Take good care.  Karen

totallymentalben said...

{{{{Kim}}}} You're brave and beautiful. And you're a winner. No wonder there's a world out here that adores you. :-)

Ben
http://journals.aol.com/totallymentalben/better-left-unsaid

shrbrisc said...

you and your family are in my prayers ,
hugs
Sherry

purplehazebarn said...

Dear Kim:
Don't comment often--but have followed you through your first victory--and know Victory #2 is coming up.  With your courage and great attitude, you will beat this one, too--I am confident.  Good thoughts and prayers are with you.  Hugs, LaVern

jonathanfoxley said...

just caught up on my alerts, and my heart sank for you.
you are a strong lady and you will get through this what ever the outcome.
i believe we are never given what we cant handle, however shite that may be.
btw, i think you look lovely with your short hair.
lucy xx

am4039 said...

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randlprysock said...

Sending hugs to you!!!!  
Lisa

midwestvintage said...

 I love the picture.  All 3 of you facing your battles with humor and friendship.  Keep on fighting.

                    Julie

puckerpouts said...

Hello, I don't know where to begin, so I will just begin. November 12, 1996, I will never forget that day like you will never forget your's. When that "c" word came out of my doctor's mouth time stood still and then the river's ravished. He said " have your pity party Amanda and then focus on getting well". I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, it has a high rate of cure and survival so I knew I could beat this. Little did I know that a bomb would drop on me the next day. A bomb that I would eventually catch and dismantle. I had small cell carcinoma, lung cancer, but somehow it had ended up in my cervix not my lung's and it had spread to my lymph nodes. My survival rate? 0 My cure rate?0, they couldn't even set a time limit on my life. I was the 31 reported case in the U.S. The other 30 woman had passed, that is all that the doctor's would tell me. I was told by the social director at the cancer center to plan my funeral and handle the custody of my 2 girl's. What?!?! To make a long story short, I canceled my funeral and asked God to let me raise my children and  that after all of that what he had planned for me I would accept.  Sitting in my truck by myself screaming as loud as I could I rebuked satan, I also dared anyone to pity me, my negativity was thrown out the window and positivity flew in. I stayed focused and positive. I have been in remission almost 11 year's. The doctor's cannot believe I am still here.I refuse this illness, I refuse to let satan stop me from loving and caring, that will end when my Lord so choose's! May your good day's be many! God Bless You!!.......Amanda

princesssaurora said...

{{{ prayers and hugs... }}}}

be well,
Dawn
http://journals.aol.com/princesssaurora/CarpeDiem/

chevyz71gurl74 said...

That's a girl Kim....no feeling like going out with your girls for a few drinks...to forget your troubles if only for awhile!  Love the pic...too cute!   Keeping you in my prayers always!
Hugs,
Terri

olachiaclan said...

You are such a strong example of how to live life in the face of so much uncertainty. You give me hope. I have been moved to tears as I have read through your entries. We are sisters, sisters of hope and unyielding faith. Never give up! You are beautiful.
Christina

rbrown6172 said...

don't give up.  stay strong.  i know easy to say...but a positive attitude is so important.  i admire your courage and strength.   you are in my prayers.
gina

ekgillen said...

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dreamingbrwneyes said...

I think if anyone can beat this it's YOU!!! I hope you find comfort knowing we are all thinking of you and prayers are being said.

~ Jenny

sunnyside46 said...

sendin g you my love
Marti

jerseygirlphotos said...

you have nothing to lose by staying positive.  i need to remind myself of that oftne, but it's so true.  www.tut.com   sign up for their daily email, sometimes it's the kick in the butt i need to keep the faith and stay postive.