1:40 p.m. Yesterday I awoke from an afternoon nap......something I haven't done since chemo (napping that is, not the waking part! lol) My cell phone is ringing, it's my Surgeon who calls me with the news I already knew but wanted to be told my intuition was wrong this time. When I heard the pap test was abnormal I panicked for about a minute then this little voice in the back of my head told me Kim, it's going to be alright....then we find the new lump in the right boob...momentarily panic or maybe I was just annoyed that this cancer shit wasn't ending but still I heard that little voice telling me don't worry...all is well.
When I was told the breast MRI showed a suspicious lesion on my lung......I waited for that little voice....it never spoke to me again. Having that dream over the weekend about going through my things and giving things away because I was dying was that little voice telling me my fate.
Do I think I am dying? Not just yet.....do I think even though I won round 1 and now have to do round 2 that I am dying....little voice tells me no.....but that little voice tells me that is what will claim me when my time here on earth is through....either way it's a win/win situation for me......I fight this battle and win, I get to spend more time with loved ones......I fight this battle and loose and I get to spend some time with my loved ones who have already passed over to the other side......the ones that won't win are the ones I'll leave behind....we who are left behind hurt and grieve and feel the loss the most....I know this to be true because of those I have already lost.
For Jim's sake I pray not now, not this time...life will be to painful for him, my children will suffer the most......loosing your parent when you are a child really messes you up and sometimes it takes years to see just how messed up you are/were.
Last night my GF called me who only at 39 is on an oxygen tank due to pulmonary fibrosis and our other GF who twitches up a storm because her nerves are shot since her Father died of lung cancer a few years ago decided in the wake of my bad news........happy hour was definitely needed......so there we were, one bald chick, one oxygenated chick and a twitching chick got a lil sloshed......I needed it, they needed it and today is a new day.
Me, Mar and Chelle
So I'm still working through some issues now but I wanted to thank all of you for once again carrying me when I am to weary to carry myself.....I don't know just how I feel right now but I'm working on that.
Just got the note that I had inadvertently put in march 3, 07.....Freudian slip? Happier time? probably a lil bit of both. Any way I changed it.