Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Happy just to be with you......

I seem to be in some kind of vicious cycle....I need xanax at night to help me fall asleep and STAY asleep but I always feel so lethargic the next day that I nap on and off which I know effects why I am up this late doing an entry! I am hoping that I can start going through a day without a nap.....maybe that will help with be able to fall asleep at my old bedtime.....right after the weather man does his thing .... 10:20 p.m.


Today was spent taking my girlfriend Michelle to our shared Lung Doctor, going over a new treatment to help her with her Pulminary Fibrosis who is already on oxygen at the age of 40! We did a quick lunch and then I was back in my bed....unable to sleep, but unable to keep my eyes open....we were supposed to meet up for an early dinner with 2 other friends but at the last minute they needed to cancel from their own over loaded schedules...I was happy that we were able to grab a quick bite to eat in our own neighborhood and reschedule for some time next week.


Tomorrow is a late breakfast with another girlfriend and her adult son who has seemed to take my cancer harder than anyone else I've seen so far........me and his Mom (Kathy) have been friend for over 26 years now...been there for each other during her horrible divorce and even more horrible marriage...I guess between his Mother and me and one other girlfriend of ours seemed to be the only constants in his life, so we are the only ones he cares about back.


So tomorrow I will try a lil caffeine to keep me up during the day and maybe, just maybe I can get back to my old sleep pattern. I don't want to sleep my days away...I am hoping that more of my strength comes back and I can get back on track at home with all I have to do. It has been one whole year that cancer has taken over my life and my body.....that still freaks me out a lil....what is it doing? where is it traveling too now? I won't know if this new chemo is working until June 22.... I know the waiting is taking it's toll on me and My Jim....A year where not only has he continued to be the sole bread winner of the house Being the Stay At Home Goddess that I am before I got sick! lol lol lol, but has become my care giver 24/7, still tying to maintain some sense of normalcy for the two children we still are raising at home, is with me at most of my Doctor appointments and let me tell you I have a whole slew of specialists and he takes me to all my testing and then back to the Doctors for the results... I feel so blessed that he was chosen for me long before we met.

One of these days I want to get a scanner so I can show you the 1980's rocker couple that we were! Me with my big hair and Madonna wear and him with his mullet and "cavaricci jeans" and Jordache jeans ironed to a point! lol We were so young back then..blissfully unaware of what was to come some 20 years later. But we are a strong couple and this is just another bump in our travels through life and being more stubborn than cancer helps a great deal...I will be so excited and blessed when I hear the words remission spoken on my behalf and now matter how long of a time I will spend in remission I will be thankful for every moment of it.....one more day and one more day after that and so on.

I haven't been able to listen to a lot of Country Music which I was raised on.....there is something about the country music writers that are able to find a connection between a story and a listener hearing it for the first time and souls collide. The one song that puts me over the edge is a song from LONESTAR that they made a few years back that really resonates with what is going on in my love story...... my life story....so here goes the water works for me....not all sad, mostly happy that I am loved this much from one hell of a man who still wants one more day with me..........My Jim.

"One more day"

written by LONESTAR

Last Night I had a crazy dream
Wish was granted just for me,
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money, or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you

One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

[Oh one more day]

First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone, and keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second, say a million I Love You's
That's what I'd do, withone more day with you

One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day....
Leave me wishing still, for one more day....
Leave me wishing still, for one more day....
With you

[Oh... One more day]

38 comments:

am4039 said...

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sybilsybil45 said...

Good MOrning from sunny warm England. Do hope that you have a lovely morning with your friend Kathy and her son. Friends are so precious. I know that feeling half asleep most of the time is not nice but perhaps it is Gods way of making you take all the rest you need. You know what we are like when we are wide awake always wanting to be doing one thing or another !!  Love sybilsybil45

thegirlnexdoor77 said...

Make sure you listen to your body...if it want to sleep you need to sleep...I know what it is like to not be able to get to sleep...I just took my meds and am hoping they kick in...but you are right about feeling lethargic the next day...Am praying for you...hope you enjoy your outing tomorrow...Take care of your self..and do show off those pix one of these days!  Hugs,TerryAnn

gandsbrock said...

I have two words for you "power nap".  If you can manage to take a 15 minute nap, it doesn't mess up your night so bad.  Trust me, I take them all the time and have no problem sleeping at night.  LOL!  And another word for you "NED" - no evidence of disease.  I think it's the more current term for remission.  I think that's another man in your life you wouldn't mind having around.  I hope you are able to stay awake to enjoy the breakfast.  Your relationships sound so sweet.
Stephanie

sunnyside46 said...

every time I get on line I am hoping to hear from you.
I wish I had soem words to give you courage, but you are certainly not lacking in that department.I just want you to know you are fiercely loved.
Marti

ab45yui said...

I love that song from Lonestar too!  Raised country here also, I remember growing up while we lived in Texas, it was Porter Wagner and Pancakes every saturday night.  To this day, I'm not especially fond of pancakes, lol!  God's blessings your way for rest and comfort, and healing!  

nhd106 said...

Beautiful entry...

Nancy

s0ngbird1962 said...

This northern' girl was not raised on country, but I've always loved it....  you're right about country music and souls colliding.  Probably what hooked me many years ago.  

Sorry you are having problems with sleeping.  You, more than many others realize how precious and short life is, don't blame you for not wanting to sleep it away....  But for now, you do need to listen to your body.  Rest when you need to, the world will wait for you....  

My Mom recently heard that word, "remission"  I'm almost afraid to say it, to jinx it.  She goes for another MRI on Friday, the whole family gets so quiet when we know a test is coming up.  Hopeful, yet, almost afraid to breathe.  No cure for her cancer, but there is remission and I still believe in miracles....  Will always believe.  
             .....Many prayers for you and your family
                     The love you and Jim have is rare and incredibly special
                                                .....You are blessed.

sangrialel said...

I love that song too!  Linda

kirkbyj05 said...

During my chemo treatment I used 'self' phsychology by telling myself that my staying awake so much was God's way of helping me to enjoy more awake time on earth with my loved ones.  The more poitively I looked at this view, the more content I became with the wide eyed look at all times of the day and night.  I also told myself Mother Teresa of Calcutta only needed four hours sleep a night and she lived a long life.  It was hard to reconcile this at first but it became habit forming and so when I woke up I just got up and pottered about until I was tired again.  The only person in the end bothered about sleep was my husband who kept asking me how much sleep I got the night before.  I couldn't tell him as I had stopped looking at the clock which only annoyed me.  That was my way of dealing with sleeplessness.  It takes all kinds and ways to cope. I wish you contentment and remission soon.   I always mention you in my prayers.  God Bless you and your family.  Jeanie xx

tendernoggle said...

can not listen to country anymore either since my Danny died last year...I now keep my car radio on old time rock and roll...You are right..country touches the heart and soul like no other music I know of...That song...One more day...Oh God if only I could have one more day with Danny...
Thinking, praying and caring for you daily...
love ya,carlene

klconard1 said...

Re the Zanax, you might check with your pharmacist to see if it can safely be cut in half to try a small dose and thereby reduce the aftereffects.  Not all meds can be safely cut in half so do not try it without checking first.  If not, then perhaps a lower dose?
You might also do some checking on recent research with cancer patients and a specific type of ginseng, which increased alertness during the day.
loving you
karyl

chseroo said...

Thanks so much for commenting on my j... I'm glad to have found your journal. Its been a long time since I've been in j-land. I can tell instantly from reading this one entry that I will be back. :)

***Monica

gosso23 said...

I'm with you, I have to have a xanax to sleep too, otherwise I can't stay alseep and my mind goes like a hampster wheel. Oh please get a scanner...I have to see this....lol. Take care, You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Give your friend my best wishes too!
Trish
http://journals.aol.com/gosso23/my-breast-cancer-story/

plieck30 said...

I'm so glad you are blessed with a man like Jim. Will be looking forward to seeing the pictures of the 1980's rocker couple. Paula

ktkamanski said...

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icewitch96 said...

So gald you're finally starting to feel a little better! I'll keep the prayers coming for you! MUAH!

Jenn~

rayne1123 said...

my prayers are with you, i am happy you have such a wonderful man to help you, i hope you are feeling better
hugs

noelle

bvaneps834 said...

What a fantastic person you are!! Praying that remission comes soon and lasts a long long time! Barb

frankandmary said...

No prayers from me, since my bf & the Pope are covering that presently ;-0. ~ Mary

jckfrstross said...

hoping your sleep pattern gets back to normal soon:) praying for rermission soon:) enjoy your week

Deb

mariebm56 said...

OMG, Kim....I was thinking about this song when I first started reading this entry, not sure what you said in the beginning to trigger my thoughts on that song(which I love), but then you go & mention it at the end....spooky~
You are so blessed, Kim.....so many people will go a life time & never know love .....never have it, experience it, or....share it.  
You were blessed with that gift~
Keeping you in my prayers & thoughts....{{{HUGS}}}
Marie

psychfun said...

OMG that is the one song I love from them!!!! I am a total pathetic sap with that one...or should I say tap! HA! Sorry you are not sleeping well. Xanax is very addicting & that may be why. Besides trying other things to stay awake try going a bit longer without the Xanax and try other things to sleep & maybe slowly. Try some meditation. I just bought an awesome book called Total Meditation by Susannah Marriott. I really like it. The begging is info on meditation but then there are some great meditations to do also. Our minds will go "wherever" if we don't focus it so if we can focus on a image etc then it won't go "other places". :-)

helmswondermom said...

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layla44808 said...

Now I'm crying....for the wonder of the woman that you are!
I was not really into country, but when I heard Lonestar (and that song) for the first time, I was hooked..I saw them in concert here in town..I was so impressed with them..Not only for the songs and the sounds, but because as they sang,you could watch video on the large screens and most of what was there was their families...You could just feel that all of their families were important to them and in this day and age it was a beautiful thing to see.
Here's to many more "One more Days".
Sheri

princesssaurora said...

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oddb0dkins said...

I don't know the song but I like the lyrics.
Hope you manage to get your sleeping sorted.
B. x

rbrown6172 said...

the words are beautiful....you are blessed to have 'your jim'  :)
gina

sdoscher458 said...

Oh I know its awful when you can't sleep right. Don't overdo dear, try something relaxing before bedtime...a nice warm bath if you can, scented candles..soft music.
All warriors get tired...still sending heartfelt prayers your way.  I've been worried about Lahoma, have you heard from her?  love, Sandi

sugerb6 said...

Wishing you many more One More Days!
Love
Debbie

ajquinn354 said...

Oh what a lucky lady you are to have Jim, he seems like every woman's dream, you are indeed blessed dear.  So sorry you are having trouble sleeping, try a hot tea before you lay down and some soft music. How nice you and Michelle are sharing each others health troubles and being there for each other.  Will keep her in my prayers also.  Glad you were able to have a quick lunch. Enjoy your breakfast tomorrow tih your friend Kathy and her son, bless him for caring so much about you....sure he feels like you are his 2nd Mom.  Waiting to find out hour your new chemo is working can't be easy on you or your Jim and family, know all of us here care, always keep you in our thoughts and prayers and we look forward to seeing you two in your 80's and rocking.  Love Lonstar, one of my favorite groups.  You are loved each day by Jim, because you are the love of his life and he's yours dear. Hugs....Arlene (AJ)

irenemaeclark said...

I am glad to hear how you are doing Kim.......God did a lot in one day and then He did more with just one more day...He is the creator of our days and we can trust Him to see us through our sicknesses, our troubles, our sadness and our joy.  When we keep our eyes on Him we become more focused on who the real healer is.  My nephew has just finished 2 yrs of chemo treatments, he looks and feels great, but we know that there will be a lifetime of checkups, but we are so thankful for the life that has been given to him.  My sister and I had cancer at the same time, we too have been given more life, and there are no words to praise God enough for each new day that we have been given as a family. God's best to you and your family. I pray that God will grant you life and healing through His grace and His mercy. Continue to fight the good fight.  continue to get well.

mymeds215 said...

Good to meet you and sorry to hear about your situation although we are all with you and god is watching over you and your family.  

siennastarr said...

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gehi6 said...

Touching song for hard times.  My heart goes out to you and Jim.   Gerry  

rdautumnsage said...

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aimer said...

I love this song. When I was growing up, there was only AM radio and that consisted of a handful of stations, mostly country. My mother really liked Patsy Cline, so I  grew up listening to cuntry music right alongside R&B. I still love country and for the very reason that you write so eloquently, "there is something about the country music writers that are able to find a connection between a story and a listener hearing it for the first time and souls collide." I'm madly in love with Ronnie Dunn of Brooks and Dunn, although he has no idea. I think that he has one of the sweetest voices that I've ever heard and I cry every time I listen to "Believe." I'm so glad that you visited my journal. You have a warmth and with that just exudes from your words on these pages. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself.--Sheria
there is something about the country music writers that are able to find a connection between a story and a listener hearing it for the first time and souls collide.

aims814 said...

Hello! Just checking in and saying hello. I haven't been around journal land much these days, now that school is out and my son is home all the time. I'm trying to get caught up a little on my reading today.

Just wanted you to know that you're still in my prayers and I'm sending best wishes your way.

God Bless!
Mia ~