One of the first families that we met when we moved into this house 13 years ago was another couple that grew up near our old neighborhood during the same era of our youths and we bonded so fast. They had 3 daughters sandwiched in between the ages of our older two daughters and it was nice to meet someone who felt like an old friend immediately.
Lynn and I had very similar wild youths and compared childhood stories all the time. Our only difference was that even though we did similar things in our youth I didn't view them as right.....I knew now as an adult that they were foolish and very dangerous......she seemed to think they were a right of passage.
A couple of years ago while sharing a BBQ together we got on the subject of teen age sex....with 6 daughters between us it was always a topic. I had asked her if she planned on taking her girls for birth control when they became sexually active, she didn't feel it was time yet.....Her oldest daughter had been serious with the same boy since freshman year and they were now juniors, so I asked her if she thought that her daughter was sexually active yet and to my shock she said no....I left it at that until a few days later she had called to tell me after our conversation she had done some snooping in her daughters room and found sexually explicit pictures (obviously taken by her boyfriend) hidden under her bed. Being from the same era and neighborhood I couldn't understand why she didn't think her daughter was sexually active after dating her boyfriend for almost 2 years....to me it is natural to assume after that much time together and alone time at that, that they would be having sex. I have never sugar coated any of my past to my children and I have never made light of it......In hopes that because what I had experienced good and bad would serve as a guide to them. Lynn didn't agree with being that truthful about my past with my children, she also seemed as though she thought it was a right of passage for every child becoming an adult, kinda of like "well, we survived it didn't we?"....I always respect peoples differences or at least try to, but I didn't agree with her take on this......I look at it as more of only by the grace of God we are still here.
Two summers ago Lynn and her family moved away and atfirst we kept in touch even though the kids grew apart....I found out over this past weekend, that her oldest daughter was convicted of dealing ecstasy and heroin and sentenced to 3 to 5 years for it. Grant it we only know what our children want us to know about them as they get older, but I feel that if it wasn't so expected to be a right of passage in her life maybe she would have chose another path. I am not saying that my older children have not experimented with drugs and alcohol it's just that it did not become their way of life......and for that I am for ever grateful.......but lessons need to be taught, experiences need to be shared and they must have an environment that they can come and discuss things openly.....I wish my parents had made it easy for me to talk to them, to ask them questions......it all comes down to always trying to be a better parent the ours were.
I feel as if I am doing something right......My middle child was planning on going out with some friends of hers (last summer)....they came to pick her up and about half an hour later she was back already.......I asked her why she was back so soon, she told me because the others were planning on going into Chicago to get some drugs and it's just not her thing........I silently said thank you to the Lord above then realized......how good it was that she felt she could be safe in telling me the reason why.....It's good to know she will let me in to her new adult world........ I made it safe for her to let me..by trusting her with all the stories of my youth it made it easy for her to trust me with hers. There has been a few, "Well you did it" thrown in my face but at least my kids are fast becoming productive young adults.
What the baby books don't tell you when your expecting is you are forever waiting to exhale after that final "PUSH"
7 comments:
I to am extremely candid with my kids and have so far been successful.They are not perfect but they are really good.Alot younger than yours though,so alot still lays ahead for me and mine.I will not put mine opn birth control though, i wil hope they use protection they purchase but I am afraid of sending the message they are"protected" by protection.Or that I approve.My daughter is the same as yours she tells me she is not going to certain parties when certain ones will be there.(because of drugs and conduct)Very good job mom!
~carrie~ http://journals.aol.com/meangirl61073/petalsandmud
"I feel that if it wasn't so expected to be a right of passage in her life maybe she would have chosen another path."
Expectations are everything! We tend to live up to what we believe people expect of us. This has got to be one of the biggest reasons for our problems with teen alcohol and sex in our society. Whether we explicitly say it or not, we send kids the message, personally and in the media, that this is what we expect them to do. And, surprise, surprise, they do!
Tina
Great insight! I am trying to be there for my kids and when they tell me something I try and keep a 'normal' face and not react with a WHAT?? and pitch a fit. My daughter just came home from a concert on Saturday night and mentioned some of the things she saw happening with a group of kids. We were able to talk about it and I could sense it bothered her. I'm happy she is still telling me things too!
Michele
http://journals.aol.com/samnsmile5/LettingItAllSinkin
h
wow am dealing with something like this now so if u ever get the chance would love some advice
that last statement is so true
we love our kids so much it is like having our hearts walk around in someone else's body.
i remember when i was pregnant with my first,saying ,"when I have this baby & like gets back to normal..." & my MIL & mom of 9 laughing hysteriaclly
Marti
Since the 60's it's been harder and harder to raise kids that do not at least experiment with even lightweight drugs. I've been lucky with my kids, they are basically all grown now...decent, hardworking - drugfree....but a lot of their friends were not so lucky. I don't pretend to know the answers I just know that I was there for my kids, I didn't hesititate to discuss anything & everything under God's Green earth with them....maybe that's part of it. Kids know when they are getting handed a line of crap, once you've lost them it's hard to get the trust back. This idea of not talking openly to your children doesn't work.....Sandi http://journals.aol.com/sdoscher458/LifeIsFullOfSurprises
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