Then and Now

In growing up I watched my Mother struggle, always trying her best to raise her three teenagers on her own after my Father left home and who later died when I was 16. She was born an only child to parents in their 40's and both parents had passed on leaving her alone, without a safety net.

So many of the things I have learned in life were simply learned by silently watching my Mother, I saw her grace and her strength and I saw how she only relied on herself. If one learns to rely on oneself, they will never be disappointed. Disappointment comes only after someone else has let you down.

I have learned in only relying on myself, I don't trust other's so readily. The only ones that I trust completely are my Mother and My Husband. Even growing up with my siblings, we didn't learn how to comfort each other as children, so it's almost impossible now as adults.

Most of my childhood was spent on learning to become invisible to escape the wrath of my alcoholic Father. I can't comprehend why I loved him so much but still held him accountable for the things he was not-so-wonderful about. I guess that's a good thing though, because that means I must have forgiven him and let go of the things I needed to let go of.

I know much of the self punishment I inflicted on myself was due to the fact that I didn't properly handle my fathers death, but then again how does a 16 year old girl cope with death, when she wasn't exposed to it until it was her father, lying there in the casket, I just went comfortably numb and stayed that way for a very long time. The only time I surfaced inside myself was to check and see if I still had a pulse.

I was angry, but fought only with myself, deep inside myself. For years of suppressing my grief, I almost forgot how to feel again. I hurt anybody that tried to get near me, I pushed away family, I pushed away me. I did things that I am only coming to grips with now and I'm 41. Now as I look back I see why I did the things I did, and that stopped the cycle. I still haven't made every connection, but I'm willing to try to see them now, some of it probably will never make sense to me, but I can stand outside myself and watch the reruns of my life go past me and say, "Oh! Now I understand!" If you understand why you did the things you did, you are in much more control of stopping yourself from doing them again and again.

I wasn't a bad child, just willful. I disappointed my Mother a lot, I disappointed myself a lot! I pushed things down so deep and thought I'd deal with all another day. Much of it I stored away as something that I thought didn't hurt or affect me until I hit my 30's, I couldn't hold it all in or hold it all back anymore and it all came bubbling to the surface and almost drowned me.

Things that I thought I escaped in my youth came back with a vengeance and all the hurt and denial spewed forward and cut me all over again, I felt everything I didn't allow myself to feel when I was younger. I guess in my 30's.... my psyche was able to handle things my younger mind had to block out.

I often wonder how I made it through all that I have and have some sort of semblance of normalcy in my life now. I feel blessed to finally be free from my painful youth, even though it still creeps up on me when I least expect it, something will trigger something deep inside of me and either I can travel back to what it was and deal with it or I can comfortably leave it alone.

I am no longer comfortably numb........I feel life again and I'm celebrating it!