labels

We often think about ourselves in the same manner we were told as a child, Those that were constantly told they were stupid, feel stupid, those that were constantly told they were ugly feel ugly and so on.  Most of the time this begins the driving force to prove they were all wrong, a child that is told he is stupid will either become an over achiever to prove them all wrong or become compliant because he feels that he is no better than what he was told as a child, the "Why Bother" syndrome.

The child that was teased because they were told they weren't pretty will grow up and feel what God gave them isn't enough so they will continually feel the need to alter themselves until they feel they have reached what society has referred to as the "Beautiful People" And for some that is all it will take for them to feel good about themselves. It is needed to heal from the painful childhood taunts.

When my sister was turning 40, I planned a complete make over for her, she is the type that doesn't save anything for herself, everything is about her children and her husband, so often when it comes time for her she is too exhausted to do anything for herself. I had planned a day at a spa, dinner with what she thought was just our husbands and a night at the casino which I had invited everybody that was dear to her to come join in the celebration. At first I was afraid I might have been stepping on her Husbands toes taking over the celebration of her turning 40 party, and it's not that he doesn't love her because he does, he just doesn't know how to make her feel special.  I knew how, I am almost an expert of my sister, I have been her sister all my life.

The day at the spa started out with a manicure and pedicure which she has never treated herself too, A new hair cut because she was still wearing the same hair style she had since High School (think Farrah Fawcett) And we turned her dirty dish water blonde/grey hair into a vibrant red, by the time she made it into the make up chair she was just glowing! They make up artist asked, "What would you like me to do?" and I said, "paint her like a hooker!" when she was finished my sister was stunning!

All night my sister walked past me and it always took a few minutes to register that was my sister! He husband and friends and family just gushed over her! The night belonged to her and for once she commanded it! I don't think I have ever seen her so happy! I knew how much this night meant to her because she told me secretly, "For once I feel pretty....even prettier than you!" I took no offense to that, it was at that moment I realized how much that night meant to her.

She said, "I was always being compared to you, you were the cuter sister, the skinny sister, the sister who had all the boyfriends, the sister who could wear what ever she wanted to because everything looked good on you, the sister who got all the guys I wanted." I never knew this was her pain, I never knew she felt my "shadow."

I am the one who always felt hers, she was not only good at everything she tried to do, she was great at it! She was the better athlete, there wasn't any sport she couldn't excel at! Even childhood games she could beat me at without breaking a sweat! pogo stick, hop scotch, jump rope even paddle ball! For once I wanted to be better at something then she was.

How funny we both had inferiority problems with each other. I think we both knew about them but we didn't know how deeply they effected each other.

My Brother was always told you are the oldest, you are supposed to protect your younger sisters. He was our biggest abuser. My sister was always told, your a girl you can't do the things your brother does because he is a boy. She became a tom boy to some extent. I was always told I was the pretty one, so I felt that nothing else about me mattered. Little did anyone know I didn't feel pretty because it was something that I felt, I only was pretty because everyone else said I was. I had no self worth. I was never able to see the same things in me that others did.

My brother never had children of his own, he didn't feel he would be good enough as a father to have any, he knew he was damaged. My sister is still outdoing me at everything and I'm ok with that now, its a running joke between us and I'm still trying to see what others see when they look at me. Some labels never go away and some labels make us work harder. In my Brothers way of dealing with his own pain he created it for me and my sister, we were told we were dumb and stupid, that we didn't matter and that we would never amount to anything! We of course being stubborn Irish women in the making proved him all wrong. You can call us pretty and you can call us ugly, but don't ever call us stupid or dumb you may just get your ass kicked!

We all have our own pain and with ways of dealing with it, my sister and I have forgiven my brother, it is he that has not forgiven himself. It goes back several generations, so he ended the cycle by not becoming a parent instead of becoming a parent and breaking the cycle.