Thursday, June 16, 2005

When ties don't bind

My relationship with my only sister is a difficult one, if it weren't for the fact that I have proof (pictures) that we indeed grew up in the same house, raised by the same parents I would not believe that we were even related. Our childhood was a difficult one, there are many scars, it's how we let it effect us in our adult lives is where we differ.

She is still so walled up by her childhood and I am sure it's not healthy, but you cannot even approach her in a manner where you are questioning her stunted emotional growth. She has two beautiful children of her own and she is a wonderful Mother, but she has only a handful of social relationships outside of her immediate family, and saying a handful is being generous. She seems to think that her view is the only view on things even in other people's life. She thinks she can say anything to anyone when most of the times it's in a very condescending tone. It's all based in her wording and tone of voice. I can't even have a discussion with her about anything personal because if she doesn't agree with me she will bite my head off, and I don't take kindly to people who irrationally try to bite my head off, I am open to constructive criticism, but not destructive criticism.......and she can be destructive. It's just a really weird sister-sister relationship, I cannot go to her for guidance or to just have a deep conversation about somthing that is going on in my life, she's too much of a close minded individual and I have a low tolerance of close minded people.(One of my many flaws!)

We have our moments of childhood memories that send us into a state of giggle and I love those moments, but she is not someone who I can have a close bond with, you have to feel safe with those people who you confide in and she is not a nurturing person, she is a judgmental person, she tells people how they should feel, and how they should live their lives. I have seen her destructive personality alienate many of her neighbors and people she works with, and other people we have common. I believe you can say just about anything you want to a person, but the art is in how you say it, she must have skipped those lessons. I really have no idea where her rudeness springs from. My brother and myself would never intentionally offend someone, when we do it's deliberate and with just cause! LOL She offends people right and left. She seems aware of her short comings and seems to be trying to make a change, but someone still has to follow behind her with damage control and after all these years I have to admit my fuse is shorter when I have to deal with her now. Being assertive and aggresive is a necessity in life, but being rude is not.

It seems we have a knock down fall out battle royal every four years or so, things are said and not forgotten and even though she thinks her views and opinions are just, I have to hold her in check by saying, "Must be hard being soooo perfect!" that usually stops her in her tracks. She has thrown in my face (many times) how it was hard growing up in my shadow, and I have to ask her how is that my fault? Her inferiority complex when it comes to me, is something she gave herself or let others give to her, it was not my doing. I am and always have been secure in who I am but have been mostly open to change when it was necessary . I am happy when I see people who I care about happy in life, even those with all the trappings of a good life too, but to her that only shows her what she does not have and that makes her bitter. I think that is the most difference between us, I choose to live outside myself in this world and she chooses to remain locked up inside herself in this world.

I cannot say I am in mourning of loosing a wonderful relationship, because you can't mourn something you never had, I just wish that we could have a bond outside of our blood ties. But I know that if we were not sisters she would not be somebody I would have in my life and how sad is that? I am also sad in knowing that if it wasn't for my niece and my newphew ( who I love deeply), my sister would have very limited access to my life at all.



carolhehe said...

My sister and I are completely different also. We really don't have any kind of relationship either. She lives across the states and maybe I talk to her once a year on the phone. We do email once in awhile. She has no kids. She is like a stranger.

imshadowraven2 said...

Lord it sounds like my sister u were talking about and yes its sad to know if we weren't blood i would not have anything to do with her............Robin

plieck30 said...

Yep sounds familiar I am sorry to say. Paula

angelm0304 said...

my sister is 15 years younger than me but we get along for the most part despite the age difference we are still close.  my brother and i grew up together as he is only 2 years younger than me-- but we never really have gotten along well.  he has his life and I have mine.  the only time  we see or talk to each other is if we run into each other at my mothers house- which isnt often.   I always wished I had the kind of family you see on tv with loving parents and brothers and sisters that grew up together and got along.

brandyp0509 said...

I swear to you that you could be talking about my own aunt, lol. She has her ways, her mannerism and ways of thinking that would run off even the most passive individual and my mother and her are like accelerant and matches together, ha (and that is being nice about it). Everyone just says "Oh that just Becky, she doesn't mean anything". To which I wonder what in the hell do they mean she doesn't mean anything is she an idiot then?  I'll never understand that method of behavior and thank God for that.  I enjoyed this entry because it is so similar to my own mother and her sister's relationship.  Brandy

paisleyskys said...

We are related!
This is also my sister...swear to god!
This is my relationship with my sister and reading your entry I felt your every word!

Wishing you health, happiness and laughter.

sunnyside46 said...

my mom is like that ...seh sucks all the oxygen from the room & I literally can not breathe if I am in her prescence for too long