Sunday, June 19, 2005

Finally had a good cry

OK, I finally got past my anger long enough to have a good cry yesterday, it came when I finally informed my own Mother on what is going on with her first born Grandchild. It came when I got to the point of telling her that I was by far more trouble to that woman then any of my children have been to me, but when reality finally set in for me, and the time came that I needed to grow up, I GREW UP!

I might have disrespected my Mother by doing the things she wouldn't approve of, but I NEVER would or could disrespect her to her face, fear would stop me dead in my tracks, not to mention the fact I would have never wanted to break her heart. If my generation ever spoke to their parents the way that child spoke to me, they would have been picking up their teeth........I know I would have been.

My Husband seems to be stuck on the way she talked to me, he never once disrespected his parents, he was a great kid even during his teenage years, never any trouble, great grades, didn't party, never even skipped a class at school. By now you all know I was the handful growing up, I too never thought it was going to hurt anybody but me and now that I am a parent I feel every blow when a child of mine messes up.

People that are close to me keep asking what do you think went wrong? Why do you think her National Anthem is "I don't want to work, I want to bang on my drums all day" The only thing I think I can trace this lack of work ethic to, is the fact that I did not let her work during High School, she is a very smart child and was honor roll in Middle School, but when she went to the state of the art 54 million dollar brand new High School, she stopped trying. She went from A's and B's to barely passing all her classes. My first instinct said drugs, that was my own demise in High School......but apart from her dabbling with pot and underage drinking and the taking up of cigarettes, it was simply the fact that she only wanted to do the bare minimum as far as attaining passing grades. That was the only trouble I had with that child........besides a smart mouth that met the back of my hand frequently.

I think if maybe I let her work during High School she would have worked through the pressures of a job by now and she would not be experiencing her problem with her work would have been routine by now. I have never over indulged any of my children,  I live in an affluent neighborhood,where it is common to give your children everything they ask for. I did the rewarding at age appropriate times. Early curfew during school weeks, no later then 10 p.m. on weekends, not being able to got a friends house unless a parent was home, and I did the follow up, I checked! No phone in the bedroom until she was 16, not trips to the mall with friends without an adult wandering around there too somewhere until High School, no cell phone, no car at 16, no PC in her room, no license until she maintained a good grade point average.....that never happened, she didn't get her license until after High School graduation. This child was grounded almost her entire High School years, if she wanted the privilege of going out with friends, she had to be passing her classes, every progress report came home with at least 2 different failing grades. By the time report cards came out she would bring them up to passing, but then get back into her old cycle of not asserting herself until the next final grading period.

I think what she is experiencing now is the freedom she was not granted during those high school years, a latent burst of irresponsibly that goes along with the ages of 14-18. I am sure I am to blame for some part of this, but I wanted her to want the best for herself......every parent does. I think that when this "newly found freedom" has reached it's peek she will no longer want to bang on her drums all day......she will start wanting the finer things in life and realize that she has to provide that for herself.

I just know that I am doing what is best for her in the long run.....I remember to clearly that a good friend of her crashed her brand new convertible and totaled it because she was driving drunk, and what did her Mommy and Daddy do..........bought her another brand new sports car the very next repercussions and I kept thinking "what is wrong with this picture!"

My entries about my Daughter are an open wound, it is painful to write about it and share my grief here, it is even more painful that it is my reality for right now, but I do know my daughter and I know that it is temporary, I know her morals and her standards are eventually going to kick in, when she has to start relying on herself. I know it was that way for me.


astaryth said...

{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}} Tough love is..... well tough! Especially on the poor parental units. Hang in there, you know you are doing the right thing!

mawmellow said...

   Keep hanging on to the thought that your Mother felt the same way at one point ...... until you realized how smart she finally was !!!!

cinisoul said...

I just wanted to say that when I was a teen I was pretty bad, my mother sometimes charactarized me as evil, but I eventually grew out of it and i'm sure your daughter will grow out of Rebelliousness!  I also want to think you for wishing me a happy birthday on my Journal.  Thank you!

plieck30 said...

Don't beat yourself up over this. You have and are doing the right thing. As for the parents who turned around and bought another car, I won't get into that. Paula

lazarai said...

We're behind you all the way, Kim!! I thank you so much for sharing this with us -- my 16 year old is going to test me, for sure, and I like the way you're dealing with things. Your honesty and ability to analyze the situation are so refreshing. I will be going through this soon with mine, and it's great to know there are like-minded individuals out there. Please keep us posted and good luck with everything!!


trinitygreen said...

Hey!  Ive been following your journal for some time now.  
Thank you first for the small window into your life and the lives of your family.

Secondly... quit beating yourself up.  As parents we want to protect, guide, and gently prod our children past the dangers and rough spots we encountered in our own lives.  There is just one problem with that, its their life, not ours.  Some kids just have to fail to find out what is important to them.  We dont like to see them fail, but sometimes thats the only way they can really LEARN what they need to learn.  

Hang in there, you gave the girl a good foundation, its up to her to build the house.  

bumblebster04 said...

I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but I'm assuming she is close to my age as I have just recently left high school a year ago and ventured into "freedom."  You can't blame yourself for how your daughter behaves.  Today's society has made desciplning children much harder than the past.  You most likly were given a good spanking when you did wrong, today, parents have their children taken away for, the most ya'll can legally do to us is take away the things we like which ultimately leads to us doing things we ought not to when we're no longer under our parent's supervision.  I had very open parents.  They knew that I drank and went out during high school, and as they knew these things, there was no need to sneak around.  If I went to a party and got to drunk to drive, I had no problem calling my parents to pick me up.  On the other hand, some of my friends had parents who put up "blinders."  These parents weren't "cool" about what was going on so my friends had to sneak around...rush home for a curfew under the influence, and you can guess the rest.  I know that this may not mean much coming from a stranger, but your daughter does love you.  There is a connection that we daughters have with our mothers that we are to proud to admit until we truly are in need.  I'm sure that you are a great mother, and one day, all o fyour hard work will pay off.  Good luck!

sunnyside46 said...

nobody but another mom knows how your children can wound you.
I have stood in the shoes you are wearing
I wish I had some advice, but I don't
You have done the best you could do at the time & you have raised her with love, that 's all you can do

hestiahomeschool said...

I can feel your pain.....your love shows through every word...

imanne said...

I'm so sorry to read about the pain your daughter is causing.  I have had pains also, but of a different kind.  My 3 year old daughte passed away a few years ago.  I know for a fact, what happens to our children, happens to their parents.  
sigh.    feel free to visit my Rosie.

awen1122 said...

I am catching up on entries from when I was on vacation.  Hunny, your daughter weas me, seriously, minus the drinking and pot.  I didn't care when I was in highschool (although I did work), I barely graduated, I was a horrible smart mouthed brat that thought the world was against me.  I moved out before I graduated and lived with my aunt.  Finally reality set in and now at 25 I realize how important my mom is to me and I still apologize for the horrible way I was so many times.  Evenutally she will come around, I can promise you this, they always do!