Butterfly Kisses and a runny nose

I now I'm going to Jamaica, I know I should be dancing on air.......but I can't get there just yet. As much as I whine and complain about the trials and tribulations of parenting, I'm having a hard time leaving 3 of my children behind (I am not comfortable taking my minor children out of the country right now and lil Jim refuses to fly). In the 20 years I have been with Jim we have been away from our children 4 days......yup just 4 days.....20 years......mind boggling isn't it? Because we were a blended family with two kids at the get go, we married and postponed a honeymoon......then when we added two of "ours" to the mix there wasn't anytime or money or anyone willing to take all 4 of the kids for us to escape.

So now here it is a little more than 24 hours away where Jim and I will board a plane with our oldest child who is to be married on the beach in Jamaica and I am a tear streaked, runny nosed woman.....I can't tell you how many times I welled up with tears today..........I am going to be a runny nosed, mascara mess when Jim meets his baby girl at the end of the aisle to hand her off to her beloved. I am just not ready to "go there' yet. I could be crashing a total strangers wedding and I loose it every time the Father of the Bride sees his baby girl in all her wedding glory! I was robbed of that when my Father passed away when I was just 16......it's always over the top emotionally for me, not to mention the Father/Daughter dance!

So here I sit, puffy eyed over the fact that I will be away from 3 of my children while the other one begins a new life, with a new last name........we both cried over that during an hour long telephone conversation yesterday morning. For as long as Jim and I have been married it didn't matter which child was born to which parent my immediate family all had the same last name. We balled so much over that on the phone yesterday she is seriously thinking of keeping our last name and adding a hyphen then her new last name. Who knew this was going to effect me in this way. I asked my own Mom if she felt like she was loosing each of her babies when we all wed our spouses and she said that she did and that this is all normal and what got her through it three times was the fact that we all married our "someone special" who loved us as much as she did and that made it all easier for her.

20 years I have been screaming "Grow and move out already!!" and now they are starting to and stupid, sentimental me wants my babies back!!!! Good Lord if I can't get through the days before the wedding without turning into a weepy mess, how am I going to get through the actually wedding??? Now if I can just get my emotions in check I might be able to enjoy this little time away alone with Jim.

I am such a blubbering idiot right now........which is something I am never comfortable being, especially in public.........I need a hug!