Thursday, May 26, 2005

Finding my 'fixes' when I can

Do we take so much for grant it here on this earth that we have become blind to all the beauty that surrounds us? Being in one place for too long has blinded me from it, I seem to only get excited when I can see something new to my senses. The under water world appeals to me because if is yet a place where I have had a chance to explore. When I see pictures and film from the true down under I am amazed at the vibrance of color and the shapes of the things that live freely there. I also am in awe of photos that are brought back to us from space.... another place I know I will never visit. Just look at this photo you will feel its awe too. (Thanks Courtenyay) I needed some inspiritation for today.


"The eye of God" courtesy of NASA Space Hubble Telescope"


I seem to be craving something and yet I have no idea what it is. I have found several quick fixes to tide me over, but I seem to need an experience fix at faster and faster intervals. Maybe it's because once again I have sabotaged myself by taking on more responsibilities that I want to commit to right now and I am feeling the effects of that. Being allowed the freedom of being a stay at home Mom for almost 14 years has spoiled me, I hate having to dance to anyone else's tunes and tempos. My true spirit, my free spirit.... lets me wander at will and I love that. If I want to spend hours with my camera... I can, If I want to spend hours in the kitchen on a cooking frenzy I can (although this doesn't happen anymore nearly as much as my family would like it too! lol) If I want to have a jammie day and lounge all day in my joe boxers and one of my Hubby's T-shirts I can do that too, Who knows!  One thing is for sure the house stays messy longer than I would like but I attribute that to the stay at home syndrome too....."why do today what you can put off until tomorrow" OK...... I know that is not the way the saying goes but it works for

I think another contributing factor to my on going funk is school is letting out soon and my days alone with my thoughts are dwindling. My summer will be filled with, "I'm Bored! There's nothing to do" and "Can we go somewhere today?" and the dreaded, "What's to eat? there's nothing to eat in this house!" Part of this is my fault, I keep my lil ones close to me, they are not allowed to roam free for hours and hours like most of their friends. I had two very frightening experiences when I was younger, one at 12 then another when I was 16 and those have almost paralyzed me with fear that some harm can come to my child, my baby so I am forever vigilant in keeping them safe. My older two don't seemed harmed by my parenting techniques, so I pretty much stick to form on the last two lil ones.

We as parents try to do a little better than our parents did, I was very lucky because my Mother made few mistakes, it is with her voice that I let guide me in so many of my parenting skills, My father was deficient in parenting skills but when he was in his "dad" mode he was a lot of fun to be around, so I have taken that with me in my children's lives. I try to have plenty of fun with them. In retrospect they only need us for a very short time in the span of their lives so I make sure I am always available or at least I try to......This girl has learned the hard why that I too need to spend time with me! lol

Until next time!



imshadowraven2 said...

i can feel ur funk that ur in because u r such a emotional writer ur feelings come across loudly. Everyone says i to am like a mirror with my feelings. I sure hope things lok up for u soon because i may not have met u in person but from reading ur journal i miss ur smiles........Robin

brandyp0509 said...


cneinhorn said...

Isn't that just amazing??  

I love your writing here, thank you....


courtenaymphelan said...

What I find amazing is ...when I had four small children my home was was when I reached forty five and they all moved away...the impetus left...I have things I want to do ...ride my horses...mow the lawn...go out for lunch...plant flowers...get a massage...take a an enlightening program...take in a movie...visit a for the sick...visit the infirmed...and when I do exactly what I want to do it does not leave a lot of time to prepare my gourmet meals or peruse my paperwork...much less general housekeeping....I think our priorities change and it is more important to live each day fully than proudly proclaim we are miss suzy homemaker....besides what we do withour your photo shoots and interesting entries????cmp   BTW courtenay...still pronounced is a french word and the "enay" signifies the feminine spelling..."ney" is masculine!

sunnyside46 said...

i love summer, I too am indolent, but I feel justified due to the fact that I work like a dog (why do we say that,my dogs lay in the yard all day?) for the school year. I really treasure this time with my kids. Poor Mariah just couldn't beleive it the first summer she had to work. It just never occurred to her that most adults work in the summer!
you are so creative, you are jsut in the process of finding another way to express yourself. it will all come to you soon.