Where my head is at today 3/4/07

I remember the first time after a tight hug from my Husband feeling pain in my left breast....kinda like with PMS and almost as painful as a nursing breast engorged....OUCH! What is up with that I remember thinking to myself, so in passing while picking up a prescription for my thyroid disease and a prescription for xanax due to the fact that Jim's first wife, myself and an air marshal were all going for a plane ride to Jamaica for our shared daughters wedding...there would be less chances for an 'international incident' if Kim (Moi) was medicated! lol Ok back to where this entry is supposed to be going! lol

I said to the Doc, my breast is extremely tender when the lightest pressure is applied to it......i.e.. Hugs, bathing, bras, sleeping on that side etc. I was told it's probably peri menopause (early signs of menopause, all the symptoms but still monthly menstruation) with no need to worry... off to Jamaica I went.....breast cancer was confirmed after I insisted after injuring said breast even further in Jamaica.....thank God for that late night bump into the armoire!

So after the mastectomy, the reconstruction and after the 4 months of chemo that I was told there is no guarantee that it works...it's more like a hail Mary of sorts, I go for my regular pap only to find that my test came back abnormal....(abnormal cells were detected) I know lots of women get abnormal results, but where my panic lies is the medicine that I have to take for years to come, Tomaxifen causes uterine cancer as a secondary cancer with woman who are treated for breast cancer so further testing will be done on March 14th.

Now call me paranoid....I feel I have the right to be....my DH hugs me this morning and I have a familiar pain in my right breast now...I do a quick self breast exam and I find a new lump.....I had asked for my right breast to be removed when we found cancer in my left breast, I was told that there is only a 5% chance that cancer can invade the second breast..........hello! my cancer was very aggressive with new tumors popping up within one months time! I was told let's fix what's wrong with you now and try not worry about things that aren't wrong with you..... which breaks down to "if it ain't broke don't fix it!" So now on top of the abnormal pap test result, I have a new lump in my boob, the good boob, the one that didn't try to kill me.....I have a new mammogram scheduled for march 6th followed by an ultra sound.

I cycle very fast, I'm done freaking out I'm back in my warrior mode, I'm kinda pissed again when I let my mind wander there and I'm still trying to celebrate everyday that I'm alive and kicking.....so while I'm alive and kicking the next few weeks I will be holding my breath.

Such is life huh? I remember a quote by Mother Theresa ( and I am in no way comparing myself to her...I have sinned tooo many times lol!) There is an old quote that states "He (as in GOD) never gives you more than you can handle" Mother Theresa's response to that after a few minutes of silence....."Sometimes I wish He (as in GOD) didn't trust me so much!"

I'm sooooo beginning to relate! Now if I can keep my new hair sprouts and my sense of humor through this ordeal, it really WILL be a miracle!!!! lol lol lol

Tags: blah, blah, blah, LOL!