Sunday, March 4, 2007

Where my head is at today 3/4/07

I remember the first time after a tight hug from my Husband feeling pain in my left breast....kinda like with PMS and almost as painful as a nursing breast engorged....OUCH! What is up with that I remember thinking to myself, so in passing while picking up a prescription for my thyroid disease and a prescription for xanax due to the fact that Jim's first wife, myself and an air marshal were all going for a plane ride to Jamaica for our shared daughters wedding...there would be less chances for an 'international incident' if Kim (Moi) was medicated! lol Ok back to where this entry is supposed to be going! lol

I said to the Doc, my breast is extremely tender when the lightest pressure is applied to it......i.e.. Hugs, bathing, bras, sleeping on that side etc. I was told it's probably peri menopause (early signs of menopause, all the symptoms but still monthly menstruation) with no need to worry... off to Jamaica I went.....breast cancer was confirmed after I insisted after injuring said breast even further in Jamaica.....thank God for that late night bump into the armoire!

So after the mastectomy, the reconstruction and after the 4 months of chemo that I was told there is no guarantee that it works...it's more like a hail Mary of sorts, I go for my regular pap only to find that my test came back abnormal....(abnormal cells were detected) I know lots of women get abnormal results, but where my panic lies is the medicine that I have to take for years to come, Tomaxifen causes uterine cancer as a secondary cancer with woman who are treated for breast cancer so further testing will be done on March 14th.

Now call me paranoid....I feel I have the right to be....my DH hugs me this morning and I have a familiar pain in my right breast now...I do a quick self breast exam and I find a new lump.....I had asked for my right breast to be removed when we found cancer in my left breast, I was told that there is only a 5% chance that cancer can invade the second breast..........hello! my cancer was very aggressive with new tumors popping up within one months time! I was told let's fix what's wrong with you now and try not worry about things that aren't wrong with you..... which breaks down to "if it ain't broke don't fix it!" So now on top of the abnormal pap test result, I have a new lump in my boob, the good boob, the one that didn't try to kill me.....I have a new mammogram scheduled for march 6th followed by an ultra sound.

I cycle very fast, I'm done freaking out I'm back in my warrior mode, I'm kinda pissed again when I let my mind wander there and I'm still trying to celebrate everyday that I'm alive and kicking.....so while I'm alive and kicking the next few weeks I will be holding my breath.

Such is life huh? I remember a quote by Mother Theresa ( and I am in no way comparing myself to her...I have sinned tooo many times lol!) There is an old quote that states "He (as in GOD) never gives you more than you can handle" Mother Theresa's response to that after a few minutes of silence....."Sometimes I wish He (as in GOD) didn't trust me so much!"

I'm sooooo beginning to relate! Now if I can keep my new hair sprouts and my sense of humor through this ordeal, it really WILL be a miracle!!!! lol lol lol


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33 comments:

astaryth said...

You know that my thoughts, hopes and wishes are with you... fingers, toes and everything else is crossed. Hang in there!
http://journals.aol.com/astaryth/AdventuresofanEclecticMind/
http://adventuresofaneclecticmind.blogspot.com/

gosso23 said...

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lindaggeorge said...

Oh Kim! Just because it was cancer last time it doesn't mean it is this time but even if it is, you know you have the strength to get through it. You WILL beat this thing.

Linda x.

happysunshien said...

I have been readign this for months and very rarely commented because i just didnt know what to say....cause damn this came on fast....Im thinkin about ya.....

Kelly

mosie1944 said...

I'd be freaking out too.  God bless you dear-heart.

lanurseprn said...

You are a strong woman and you can get through this.  Look how far you've come!  And you know I'm rooting for ya!  Will keep you in my prayers.
Pam

chevyz71gurl74 said...

Kim...
You have so much on your plate right now...but if you keep in Warrior mode...and keep that positive attitude...you can make it through anything.... Never lose hope!  
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...in hopes that all is going to be just fine!

Hugs,
Terri

siennastarr said...

Man.. I don't know what to say.  I'm upset.. and scared for you.  I guess I should say something positive, but if I were you.. I would be scared too.  Not because of the pap alone.. because those can come back abnormal after having chemo.. but the new found breast lump along with the abnormal pap?  Hell yes, I would be scared to death.  I'm not going to lie.

Stay in that Warrior mode... and TRY (notice I merely said try) to not worry until you have something to actually worry about.  One thing I will say.. they should have respected your wishes and did a bilateral mastectomy, especially since you had so many agressive tumors in that right breast, to start with.

All, I know is, that I will keep you in my prayers, and hold good thoughts for you, Pam..  I do pray it all turns out to be nothing.  Do I blame you for being scared?  Hell no I don't!  But.. I am glad your warrior mode is stronger than your fear!  

Hugs and love
Jackie

missy92980 said...

Ok Kim... this is just one more thing that you have to take in stride.  And your stride is nice long steps, taking over whatever crosses your path.  I see you (figuratively) as a tank... you can overtake and crush anything that gets in your path.  So, roll on Kim! You will kick the ass of whatever it is that gets in your way of a long and happy life!! :D
HUGS
Missy92980

mzgoochi said...

(((Kim))) I'm shorter on words today than usual but remember that you are in my prayers Kim.

keep us updated.

Love, Lahoma

pharmolo said...

Well, that's not a welcome development, hope it's nothing serious - but you'll know more after the 10th.
Tamoxifen has got these side-effects listed, Kim, but just take note of any warning signs. It's the old balance between benefit and adverse effects.

candlejmr said...

Oh for the love of God, no freaking way....sorry, I guess that wasn't very comforting or inspirational, but it's what popped into my head.  I cannot believe this.

OK, now that I've gotten that out of the way....

What are the chances this is all just a bit fat nothing???  Let's just assume that's all it is until someone tells you otherwise.  It's just after effects of chemo and everything else you have been through.  It's hormonal.  It's the real perimenopause this time.  There is a reasonable explanation.

Yep...thats what I am going with until someone tells you otherwise.  Now...get back to your partying mode because you've still got alot of partying left in you girlfriend!!!

Love and ((hugs)) and I'm throwing in some prayers today too for good luck,
Jeanne

plieck30 said...

I know you are strong and I will keep praying. Paula

ukgal36 said...

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chat2missie said...

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ajquinn354 said...

Kim, you're in my thoughts and prayers and hopefully when you go back to the Doctors it will be nothing to worry about.....whatever it is, you'll cross that bridge when you find out.  Just know I'll be here for you no matter what....keep your spirit up dear....Bless you....Arlene (AJ)

midwestvintage said...

 Hoping for the best and keeping you in my thoughts,  take care

                 Julie

sdoscher458 said...

oh honey I hope and pray that is just a swollen node from menses..I was plagued with them for years until menopause.  They should be getting you in right away for the xrays and not making you wait..making you more anxious. Sending love at you as everybody else will too....love, Sandi

tendernoggle said...

I will be praying for you and in the mean time, just hold on....take one moment at a time....and look toward God for help.
love ya,
carlene

inafrnz247 said...

Keeping you in my thoughts, my heart and my prayers...  Stay strong and look to the sun ~ I find great comfort in the warmth from above.

Hugs
Michelle

gandsbrock said...

Hugs, hugs, hugs to you!  And "fists up!".
Stephanie

psychfun said...

May be also just some fiber cystic tissue? I have that & they can swell at times & hurt like hell. Prayers on the way. Keep that fighting spirit.

randlprysock said...

Keep up the good fight my friend and never, never give up.  God is faithful and He will bring You through.  Love You so much and prayers!!
Lisa

lazarai said...

Oh, DANG, Kim, shoot. I'm sorry about this latest development!!! I will keep you in my thoughts and hope for the best for you!!!!!

Hugs,
Carol

ekgillen said...

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countrylady4071 said...

Kim,
I hope and pray all your tests will come back good.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. ((((((((Kim)))))))
Hugs!
Pat

swferstl said...

Hang in there, Kim! Hang in there!!! You're in my prayers for tomorrow (3/6). Mother Theresa should've also brought to mind...prayer does wonders...from inside your heart and ours! lotsa hugs, sher (wunzuponatime)

princesssaurora said...

Wow... you are one brave lady... and I am praying for you!!  We have been in the same places in jland over the years and today was the first day I clicked on over... glad I did!

be well,
Dawn
http://journals.aol.com/princesssaurora/CarpeDiem/

sunnyside46 said...

Courage is mostly outlasting the fear, I think.
I pity those poor cancer cells having to deal with a warrior queen like you.!!!!!!!!!!
Fierce prayers from me, adding my strength to yours out over the miles ... flinging love into the darkness.
Marti

rdautumnsage said...

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bmorrrick said...

I'm so very sorry Kim.....I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, that hopefully this will be something minor for you to deal with.  I admire your strength and courage...you're such a brave woman.  Please know we are all behind you, keeping you in our prayers.

Take Care,
~Bilinda~

evanmyangel88 said...

Kim, hang in there, keep up that positive spirit and know we are all here for you. You are always in my thoughts and prayers, and I will pray extra that the lump is nothing. I have always admired your good humor and your strength and wish I could be more like you. Take care, God Bless You, blessings, Barbara

pprrrr39 said...

Kim, I am so very sorry to hear that . Hope that everything goes ok for you
hugs
Jayne