One's mind is a mighty sword! Who knew that having a difficult childhood would help me in a great many ways through the years. When I was little and things were bad in the house, my mind would let me wander to happier places and times, I would be able to block out many things a small child should not be a witness too. When I was a little older I became physically abused in some way almost everyday....Who was my tormenter? My older Brother....since he was the victim of my Fathers drunken tirades (something he inherited from his own Father) he had no where else to put all that anger so he took it out on my sister and myself. Me more so because I never learned to keep my mouth shut......go figure! Today my Mothers guilt lies in why didn't I tell her, I had to confess that if I even tried to my beatings would be worse. Today I do not hold those days against anyone in my family....I understand that "emotional pain" and certain "Family Cycles" cause people to do unspeakable things! So even though I had a horrible Father who I still adored, my Mother was my other influence.... so for everything good in me, I owe it to her.
My Grandfather was harder on his first born which was my Father, so doing the only thing he knew, he was harder on my Brother, My brother was in so much pain his only outlet was to do what was done to him on me.....I understand the pattern, but I knew that I would never repeat it and I did have to be constantly vigil about it because my own childhood would creep up on me from time to time. Having a childhood like that taught me how to build very big walls around me, it also taught me how to disassociate......some think that's a bad thing, I think that's a good thing....it has kept many bad things from getting to me and altering who I was meant to be....including this cancer. I know what I went through, I felt every moment of it, but now my mind has once again protected me from it and I have no emotional ties to the experience. Being able to do that keeps me looking forward to everyday as a new gift, nothing from my past can hold me back or hold me down for very long. I remember every terrible thing that has happened to me, every battle that I conquered.....but I am not the type of person that uses what has happened to me in the past, to be used as an excuse for a shitty attitude or feel that life owes me something for it. Some how it had the complete opposite effect, it taught me to be a better person, and for that I am thankful. It taught me empathy for others who are going through bad times of their own but I have only a few minutes to spare for those that wallow in the "Whoa is me" stage for very long, and for those that use their bad experiences as a "poor me" excuse for the rest of their lives.
Life is too short, I learned the true meaning of that phrase last summer so even with Cancer I have become a better person for it, I learned so many new things about myself, I again had to rely on my own inner strength and with the love of my Jim it got me through something horrible and come out the other side a survivor.
My childhood taught me well, it might have gave me a thick skin but also made room for a bigger heart and an open mind and for that I am thankful!
Beside writing another thing that brings me great joy is photography.....I started another blog dedicated to my view of this world about a year ago, so if you want to see how I see the world around me stop on over.... link ~~~~~> Photographic Memory