Monday, March 5, 2007

A mighty sword!

One's mind is a mighty sword! Who knew that having a difficult childhood would help me in a great many ways through the years. When I was little and things were bad in the house, my mind would let me wander to happier places and times, I would be able to block out many things a small child should not be a witness too. When I was a little older I became physically abused in some way almost everyday....Who was my tormenter? My older Brother....since he was the victim of my Fathers drunken tirades (something he inherited from his own Father) he had no where else to put all that anger so he took it out on my sister and myself. Me more so because I never learned to keep my mouth shut......go figure! Today my Mothers guilt lies in why didn't I tell her, I had to confess that if I even tried to my beatings would be worse. Today I do not hold those days against anyone in my family....I understand that "emotional pain" and certain "Family Cycles" cause people to do unspeakable things! So even though I had a horrible Father who I still adored, my Mother was my other influence.... so for everything good in me, I owe it to her.

My Grandfather was harder on his first born which was my Father, so doing the only thing he knew, he was harder on my Brother, My brother was in so much pain his only outlet was to do what was done to him on me.....I understand the pattern, but I knew that I would never repeat it and I did have to be constantly vigil about it because my own childhood would creep up on me from time to time. Having a childhood like that taught me how to build very big walls around me, it also taught me how to disassociate......some think that's a bad thing, I think that's a good thing....it has kept many bad things from getting to me and altering who I was meant to be....including this cancer. I know what I went through, I felt every moment of it, but now my mind has once again protected me from it and I have no emotional ties to the experience. Being able to do that keeps me looking forward to everyday as a new gift, nothing from my past can hold me back or hold me down for very long. I remember every terrible thing that has happened to me, every battle that I conquered.....but I am not the type of person that uses what has happened to me in the past, to be used as an excuse for a shitty attitude or feel that life owes me something for it. Some how it had the complete opposite effect, it taught me to be a better person, and for that I am thankful. It taught me empathy for others who are going through bad times of their own but I have only a few minutes to spare for those that wallow in the "Whoa is me" stage for very long, and for those that use their bad experiences as a "poor me" excuse for the rest of their lives.

Life is too short, I learned the true meaning of that phrase last summer so even with Cancer I have become a better person for it, I learned so many new things about myself, I again had to rely on my own inner strength and with the love of my Jim it got me through something horrible and come out the other side a survivor. 

My childhood taught me well, it might have gave me a thick skin but also made room for a bigger heart and an open mind and for that I am thankful!


Beside writing another thing that brings me great joy is photography.....I started another blog dedicated to my view of this world about a year ago, so if you want to see how I see the  world around me stop on over.... link ~~~~~>  Photographic Memory



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16 comments:

mosie1944 said...

You go, girl.  Keep that mind positive!

sunnywrite said...

Your inner strength is quite evident.   Our experiences in our lives lead us to the moment we find ourselves in.  Had I not been ill, there are so many moments I might have missed.  I feel you know this, too, and understand we can't change the past or control the future -- so we may as well be the best we can be today.  Carry on!

imshadowraven2 said...

and all those reasons is why i love you..............Robin

kidzmakeucrazy said...

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mariebm56 said...

You truly are an amazing woman, I wish I had your attitude & your strength.  I enjoy your photographs & am glad your shooting again.  {{{HUGS}}}

Marie

http://journals.aol.co.uk/mariebm56/PhotographsMemoriestoo/

dwhee70041 said...

Kim,
Need I comment on your strength?  You continue to amaze me.  Thanks for keeping us up to date.  I admire Jim for his strength.  Thanks for posting the link to your photo blog.  You have such a special eye for the beauty around you.
David

thegirlnexdoor77 said...

I have seen your strength the last two years..even before you were delt with Cancer...you are a pillar of strength...Hugs to you and have a great week!!! TerryAnn

cheriann4321 said...

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jimsulliv3 said...

Thank you for reading my journal. I find we have a lot in common as I, too, have had (and beaten) cancer. Kinda makes you sit and think, which is difficult for me for I came from the hard of understanding fraternity. I also enjoy photography as well, as you might have surmised by my journal. Good luck to you! Stop by and see me again. as I will with you. We'll keep a light on for ya !

Jimmy
http://journals.aol.com/jimsulliv3/jimmys-journal/

paisleyskys said...

Oh Kim........I did so often think about you while I was gone.
I read through your entrys and see that you still have a very full plate.
{{{I must tell you I love the hair cut in your new photo also.}}}


I have to get the Write Words back running.
Your words have been missed...Love to you!
Wishing you happiness health and much laughter my friend.
Love TJ of Paisleyskys
http://paisleyskys.blogspot.com/

swferstl said...

Wow! This really affected me! Keith & I are Guardians Ad Litem...and we are adopting a teenager. The kids from whom we are adopting from are either abused or neglected. They went through a lot of what you discussed in families. Have you ever read "A Boy Called It" by Dave Pelzer? Not only will you relate to what he came through, but who he became today. "A Boy Called It" is his first book. His second & third tell about his teen years & who he is now. What he went through gave him the strength you talk about.
lotsa hugs, sher

tendernoggle said...

Your childhood gave you the strength to deal with all that you have gone through lately...and let me tell you, I do not know many people with your strength....I admire you so much.
love ya,
carlene

mkolasa101 said...

You have a wonderful view of life and I so admire your courage and strength. With an attitude like yours cancer will never overcome you.  You truly are a survivor and you will come through this with flying colors.  I have you in my prayers.

Marlene - A Poet's Point of View
http://journals.aol.com/mkolasa101/PurelyPoetry

jmorancoyle said...

    I appreciate your sentiments here more than you can imagine. I went through a similar childhood, although maybe not as bad. Neither my husband nor I had it easy. I've made a point though of learning from the mistakes around me. Like I told my kids, I could repeat the same cycles that have gone on in my family generation after generation, or I can make a conscious choice to change. It took me a long time to overcome the initial anger of those situations, but I have. I'm better for it and so are my children. I know how you feel.
    Take care of yourself.
Jude
http://journals.aol.com/jmorancoyle/MyWay

sunnyside46 said...

Attitude is everything....
No situation has power over you unless you allow it!
You are a brve woman and I am proud to call you friend.
Marti

gehi6 said...

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