Friday, March 16, 2007

Dreaded Intuition

Today I am overwhelmed.......last night I was angry and emotionally drained....I went to bed at 6:30 and slept until 10:00 and was back in bed asleep my 10:30.

When I was first told I had cancer, I accepted it right away....Ok, what do I do? When do I do it? When will I be done with it? I gathered all the information and I broke it down into 3 steps. Step 1 being the removal of my breast and the recovery, mind and body from that, step 2 being chemo.... the part I feared the most....I did that with very minimal complaining, step 3 was to have the other breast lifted and the new breast finished with a new nipple and a tattooed areola.......doing the math, setting the final surgery and having to wait a few months in between following my chemo I had it set in my mind that I would be done with cancer by next month......all 3 stages completed.........NOT!

I picked up my films yesterday and went for my 3:20 appointment to see my surgeon who request that I have the mammo/ultra sound before the right breast lift, I found a new lump in my right breast, the right breast that I begged the Doctors to remove because of the cancer in the left breast.....I was told let's just worry about what is wrong with you and fix that, there is a less than 5% chance that the cancer will ever invade your other breast. So after reviewing my films, my Surgeon does another breast exam, finds the lump himself and is very concerned, the mammo/ultra sound films show nothing to be concerned about, but they have missed cancerous tumors before, so now he wants me to have a MRI Breast Test....highly more accurate at finding cancerous tumors and he said whatever it is he wants to take it out and have it biopsied.........so there goes my surgery date of April 4th......the date I thought I could finally put cancer behind me.

I can't tell you how defeated I feel, the reason I could and did stay so strong during this whole ordeal is because I knew I had an end date....just like labor and delivery I could bare the pain because I knew that it had an ending.......now I have no idea of when this is going to end...I know I will bounce back quickly from this set back, I always do! It just takes me about 24 hours to deal with it then let it go...come what may....I will do battle again! I am a warrior in pink of course....my new signature color ;)

So cancer if you're coming to get me....I'll be ready and waiting for you!

37 comments:

astaryth said...

YOU are a survivor! Cancer will not win this game, you will... this is just a little overtime extension, that's all!
http://journals.aol.com/astaryth/AdventuresofanEclecticMind/
http://adventuresofaneclecticmind.blogspot.com/

candlejmr said...

Oh Kim, you have no idea how much I am praying that cancer passes right past your door this time around.  I want you to be able to enjoy your life and have a fabulous summer with your family and your friends.  But...if it does visit you again, I have complete faith that you will fight it just as you have fought it before.   Always remember, I'll ALWAYS be here for you...

((hugs))
Jeanne

pharmolo said...

Keep your spirits as high as you've kept them right through this ordeal, Kim.

ukgal36 said...

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gosso23 said...

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ajquinn354 said...

Kim, take it one day at a time, the lump may not be cancerous dear, but you'd still want it removed for your peace of mind.  Whatever it is, know we are here rooting you on and I know you'll make it through with your great spirit and strong, positive attitude.  Bless you.....Arlene (AJ)

ekgillen said...

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chat2missie said...

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imshadowraven2 said...

Awwwwww sweety i sure hope things turn out well for ya. As for you dealing with it i have no doubts you will kick it in the ass like anything else that gets in your way. As i was reading i kept thinking ....no way ........but you know what of all the ppl i know its you that will come out the other side and turn this whole thing into just another bump in this irish chicks road and then move on quickly.........Love ya g/f.....................Robin

lanurseprn said...

Keep strong just like you've been from the beginning, and you'll be ok.  You're one tough lady.
Pam

scotthlori said...

I admire your courage.  I could only hope I will be the same.  I hear positivity means everything when you're dealing with that dang cancer.

Your are a warrior!!!

LORI

Who I am ... underneath it all

http://journals.aol.com/scotthlori/DiscoveringMe

topazscorpio27 said...

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siennastarr said...

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kirkbyj05 said...

I know what you mean by  'your knowing you had an end date'.    From start to finish, counting on from my breast operation, and rests in between, prior to chemo then radiotherapy, it took me all of 11months of treatment one way or the other.  I focused not on the time or even the months, as that was too long to contemplate suffering. It was too far into the future.  I gave myself a mindset just as you did and looked on the four treatments of Epirubicin then the four treatments of CMF and then the three weeks of radiotherapy as just that.  4x4x3. Each unit a hurdle to get over.  It sounds better to your inner well being to think of it that way.  It doesn't seem so distant and far away then.  You can stay in control like that.  Not knowing what the enemy has in store is the worst fear imaginable because we are not in control of the planning ahead. I know from how you write that you have a very strong will to live.  You know that too and so once more you will stick out your chin and say..Damn You Cancer...your not getting me!
I'm with you all the way on that mantra O' Warrior in Pink.  Don't be afraid you will hammer it!
Hugs  Jeanie xx

sdoscher458 said...

Trying to catch up with everyone in Jland and I'm so sorry to learn about this new episode. Just do what the doctors suggest, hang tough baby and this too shall pass.  Even though I was not able to read your journal for awhile you were in my thoughts and prayers daily....Sandi

justplainbill said...

Kim, OK buck up! You know you can handle this and will come through in fine style. Good Luck and prayers to you, Bill

rdautumnsage said...

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gryphondear said...

You go, girl! Being an Amazon because of the big C myself. I sympathize with the attitude. We trimph sometimes in the quiet little realizations that we are still here. Other times we know we will go if we have to, but we're not going without a fight. Sometimes we have to be like Ripley in *Aliens*.  Just keep on slogging until y'conquer the B****.

witstar2 said...

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ginabommer said...

i will pray my moms rosary from the vatican tonight... we will pray as a family tonight.... i am sobbing while reading this.... i know i shouldnt tell you that..... i have a shirt on right now that says.... cancer sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am praying that everything is ok...... love and hugs, gina

stupidsheetguy said...

I can only imagine how you're feeling, and I wish I could imagine you all better, and have it happen immediately. You deserve better, and I hope good luck will come your way. Good things are definitely overdue at your house. Here's my strongest wish that they find you. You're in my prayers.

Jimmy

pprrrr39 said...

I am so sorry to hear this news. I hope that things will go ok. You ARE a fighter and will continue to fight this despicable disease

hugs
Jayne

gandsbrock said...

A frustrating journey, isn't it?  As much as you want to fight it, this cancer thing doesn't come wrapped up in a neat package.  I know you will adjust and you just needed to vent.  Vent away!  Screw the MRI, if they can feel it they can biopsy it.  Get it under a microscope so you can just get on with it!  Many hugs to you.  - Stephanie

nhd106 said...

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thegirlnexdoor77 said...

I am sure you are so I don't even know what...i mean so many different emotions come to my mind...I am so angry that you did not have the right to say remove both....I mean if people can make a choice to have sex changes and add boobs...or remove boobs for that reason...why not!!!!!  What ever the reason I will assume there was a reason!  So let us believe that God had his reasons and you K O this bad boy this time if it has the guts to show his ugly head again!  Hugs,TerryAnn

inafrnz247 said...

I cannot even pretend to know how terribly difficult this has all been for you.  You have battled this beast with such amazing strength and dignity.  Even in moments when you felt your weakest, that is when your strength prevailed.  

You are, and will always be, in my thoughts and prayers, Kim.  

::standing beside you::

Michelle

missy92980 said...

You are my hero. Feeling strong or weak, you are facing this so amazingly... you are so admired.  Just looking at the other people that are writing on your comments, you can tell how much support you have.  I know that you are aware how many people love and admire you. You are an amazing woman, Kim.  God bless you.
HUGS
Missy92980

psychfun said...

You will show them all! Just sleep to gain your strenght & then come out fighting!

fisherkristina said...

Good that you are fighting.  My husband John is too.  He thought he was in remission, recovered from a bone marrow transplant.  Then two weeks ago, he was told his cancer was back for the third time.  First cancer was NHL, the last two were bone marrow.  Now he has to have another bone marrow transplant.  Anyway, come by and visit my journal if you want to.  God bless,

Krissy
http://journals.aol.com/fisherkristina/SometimesIThink

lazarai said...

I'm so sorry (((Kim))) -- Lord knows you didn't deserve this!! I can see why you're angry and hurt and overwhelmed by the whole thing at this point. But you have to keep fighting so I'm glad to see your spirit isn't broken. Stay strong, lean on your family and friends, and keep fighting till this is all behind you. You're an amazing woman and you've got sooooo many people pulling for you.

Keep venting, and know that we're all behind you cheering you on!!

Hugs,
Carol

bookncoffee said...

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rainy35 said...

(((Kim)))  I'm so sorry to hear Kim.  It pisses me off that drs. won't/don't listen to their patients.  YOU ARE A WARRIOR!  I'm praying for ya!  You will get thru this.  We are all here to support ya.
Hugs,
Dana
http://journals/aol.com/rainy35/RoadToSuccess

sugarsweet056 said...

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chevyz71gurl74 said...

We are always here for you Kim!!!
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers always
Hugs,
Terri

princesssaurora said...

I just know that whatever the outcome... you will afix that new end date in front of you and you will point your determined self at it and go at full speed!!!  You rock!!  You are an amazing and strong wonderful mom and an incredible inspiration.

be well,
Dawn
http://journals.aol.com/princesssaurora/CarpeDiem/

sunnyside46 said...

I wish I had some words of wisdom. I wish i could fix it. Everything I think of to say sounds trite and pat and easy when it's typed. For some things you have to be there to hug.I hope you can feel the love and worry for you across the miles on the other side of the computer screen.
Marti

ccsmcneil said...

I am so sorry to hear about you having breast cancer yet thankful that you are a survivor.I couldn't even imagine going through all of that! I am not quite sure what even led me to your blog but it did and I am glad you were able to share your story with me.I was really touched and felt the need to share a story with you also,maybe even some encouragement. About 2 years ago my grandmother was also diagnosed with breast cancer and had to have both breast removed..she was 76 years old, not only was she sick as a dog literally, going through radiation,chemo,etc. she was taking care of my grandfather who had been bedridden for 8 years with numerous problems himself,skin cancer,amputated leg,prostate cancer,feeding tube,colostomey etc.. just to name a few.We were all there for them both we had to stay with my grandfather while she was in the hospital and even afterwards because she was so sick...but no matter who was there and how much we helped her she would literally crawl on her hands and knees to his bed and try and take care of him just so he could hear her voice(he had alzhemiers but always knew she was his wife and knew nobody else). I truley couldn't believe that she was just that strong because even though on the inside she felt she was dying herself and cried many days asking God to let her die she remained strong for him.Sadly enough my grandfather passed away this April will be only a year, but thank God she is so far still cancer free today.I totally believed he continued to hold on for her and to make sure she was gonna be alright. I am not at all writing this to you to say oh she had it worse because that is awful for anyone no matter what age or situation to go through. But I write this as a letter of encouragement to you to let you know to continue to be strong and have faith. I sit here writing this in tears because  I was truley touched by your story and the story I am able to share with you and only hope that it is such an encouragement for you.