I don't know about the rest of the world but by day I don't have a care in the world.....but come nightfall is when the weight of the world sits on my shoulders. Thanks to the Doctor and that lil bottle of xannnax I have no problem falling asleep....it's if I wake up in the middle of the night is when my mind goes on overload and either I can't fall back to sleep at all or I stay in that in between state of half awake and half asleep and remember every detail.
Since I had to start flushing my system with lots of water(3 p.m. yesterday) for today's test I was up making several trips to the bathroom all night. I had many dreams and in my dreams last night I was going around saying goodbye to everyone and finding things around my home that had sentimental meanings to me and giving them to certain people who would hold onto that meaning. I was at peace with my fate..I remember every sentence started out with "I am dying and I want you to have this" kinda morbid I know! I don't put much thought into interpreting my dreams....not that I don't believe we dream for a reason....I just usually never needed to figure it out, I always awoke content.....usually my dreams settle something in my sleep mode that I can't settle in my wake mode.
I know with my Sister, every time she dreamed her teeth were falling out someone in our circle of life passed away. Now that she has dentures......I don't know if it holds the same meaning...Her teeth come out every night!!!! lmaooooooo
I am going to work out this morning, it has improved my strength and endurance greatly...but then it will be a quiet day spent at home...I've been on the verge of a migraine since last night...first one in a long time which is a very good sign..last one was August of last year while I was in the hospital following my Mastectomy..which caused me to get sick to my stomach then Atrial Fib.....crossing my fingers that doesn't happen again today!
I didn't get to go shoe shopping......I ended up at the gun range all afternoon instead! Don't ask! lol lol lol
Friday, March 30, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
coping, shoe shopping and nicknames
Hmmmmm......strange, very strange!
By now you all know my nicknames for my host of Doctors, there is Dr. Hollywood (My Plastic Surgeon) Dr. McHottie (My Surgeon) and Dr. Serious (My Oncologist)..and can't even tell you the name I have for my new Gynie! lol!
So with my last chemo round in January, Dr. Serious pats me on the back and says see you in May....now I'm freaking! See you in May? What about other tests? What about making sure that all the cancer is really gone? And I'm told that when I had the full body bone scan followed by the full body cat scan that the cancer(tumors) wasn't found anywhere else in my body.......just my breast, so removing that breast was in my best interest.....totally agreed. Dr. Serious said that the Tomaxifen that I would be taking for a long time would take care of the cancer cells that survived chemo.......yes you heard me right, cancer cells can survive even after chemo....kinda made my blood run cold.
So with all the recent health scares, I've let my surgeon Dr. McHottie take care of them.....he is extremely thorough and I am forever grateful.....he orders the tests, I have them done and they send the results back to him....Well, I guess this suspicious lesion made him want to alert my Dr. Serious, so at 8:00 a.m. this morning my phone rings....it's Dr. Serious telling me that I need to get a Lung Cat Scan ASAP........done that already! (It's tomorrow afternoon) and then tells me that he will need to see me right away as soon as the results are in....strange thing is....I'm not in a panic!
Like I said before....it is what it is and I can't change that fact....I only have control over how I deal with it. Cancer took a breast, cancer (chemo) took a few months of my life.....but I won't let cancer take today from me. And to sit and worry all day will give cancer another day of my life.....not gonna happen! lol
I'm going shoe shopping! lmaoooooooo
By now you all know my nicknames for my host of Doctors, there is Dr. Hollywood (My Plastic Surgeon) Dr. McHottie (My Surgeon) and Dr. Serious (My Oncologist)..and can't even tell you the name I have for my new Gynie! lol!
So with my last chemo round in January, Dr. Serious pats me on the back and says see you in May....now I'm freaking! See you in May? What about other tests? What about making sure that all the cancer is really gone? And I'm told that when I had the full body bone scan followed by the full body cat scan that the cancer(tumors) wasn't found anywhere else in my body.......just my breast, so removing that breast was in my best interest.....totally agreed. Dr. Serious said that the Tomaxifen that I would be taking for a long time would take care of the cancer cells that survived chemo.......yes you heard me right, cancer cells can survive even after chemo....kinda made my blood run cold.
So with all the recent health scares, I've let my surgeon Dr. McHottie take care of them.....he is extremely thorough and I am forever grateful.....he orders the tests, I have them done and they send the results back to him....Well, I guess this suspicious lesion made him want to alert my Dr. Serious, so at 8:00 a.m. this morning my phone rings....it's Dr. Serious telling me that I need to get a Lung Cat Scan ASAP........done that already! (It's tomorrow afternoon) and then tells me that he will need to see me right away as soon as the results are in....strange thing is....I'm not in a panic!
Like I said before....it is what it is and I can't change that fact....I only have control over how I deal with it. Cancer took a breast, cancer (chemo) took a few months of my life.....but I won't let cancer take today from me. And to sit and worry all day will give cancer another day of my life.....not gonna happen! lol
I'm going shoe shopping! lmaoooooooo
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
What's going on........
Spring break......good for the kids, good for me too. I get to sleep in a hour and a half longer. Yesterday my kids were at my Sisters house. Something about a water balloon fight, an attempt to hook up a hose from one of her bathroom sinks to run outside, and a busted pipe (which turned out not to be, just a leaky connection) and a rather large puddle on the floor made me very happy that they weren't at my house! lol
Now news from "My Extreme Cancer Make Over"..between working out 3 times a week for the 3 months before I was diagnosed I had lost 15 pounds back then....yeah for me! Then between the surgery and the chemo I had lost another 22 pounds....pretty soon I am going weigh as much as my driver's license says I do <smirk> which reminds me of a story.....
My drivers license was going to expire while me and the girlfriends were on our "Desperate Housewives Cruise" back in 2005 (that trip is somewhere in my archives, another good read! lol), so before I was about to leave the country (US of A) I went to the DMV.....We all know how pleasant they can be right??? lol So I am standing in line where you have to give up your old license and update your information and the man is looking at my DL, then looking at me, then looking at the DL and back again at me....then in that "I hate my job monotone" he says, "Is there anything you would like to change on your drivers license?" and I say, "No" he says, "Are you sure? There is nothing that you should change?" again I say "No" now it's a full blown stare down.......finally he asks again if everything is current on the information and I said,"Yes when I first got my driver's license I was 5 foot 0 inches and I'm still 5 foot 0 inches! My hair is still blonde and my eyes are still blue!" He just avoided my glare as he handed me back my stuff and said, "Next!' lmaooooooooo
Silly! Silly Man! lol lol lol
Now news from "My Extreme Cancer Make Over"..between working out 3 times a week for the 3 months before I was diagnosed I had lost 15 pounds back then....yeah for me! Then between the surgery and the chemo I had lost another 22 pounds....pretty soon I am going weigh as much as my driver's license says I do <smirk> which reminds me of a story.....
My drivers license was going to expire while me and the girlfriends were on our "Desperate Housewives Cruise" back in 2005 (that trip is somewhere in my archives, another good read! lol), so before I was about to leave the country (US of A) I went to the DMV.....We all know how pleasant they can be right??? lol So I am standing in line where you have to give up your old license and update your information and the man is looking at my DL, then looking at me, then looking at the DL and back again at me....then in that "I hate my job monotone" he says, "Is there anything you would like to change on your drivers license?" and I say, "No" he says, "Are you sure? There is nothing that you should change?" again I say "No" now it's a full blown stare down.......finally he asks again if everything is current on the information and I said,"Yes when I first got my driver's license I was 5 foot 0 inches and I'm still 5 foot 0 inches! My hair is still blonde and my eyes are still blue!" He just avoided my glare as he handed me back my stuff and said, "Next!' lmaooooooooo
Silly! Silly Man! lol lol lol
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
What a wonderful world....
I had such a wonderful weekend! Saturday was spent at the lake then we had dinner at my Sisters house and then went and joined all our other friends over at one of their homes, where we all just sat around and enjoyed everyone's company....for the girls it was like a flash back to a sleep over, we invaded our friends closet and tried everything on, I had gone shopping earlier in the day so I had 2 bags full of new summer clothes, so out of the truck they came and into the bedroom...they guys who couldn't even act like they were interested (LOL) and totally ignored our impromptu fashion show.....Well, until all the 'boob tops' came out! lol We of course are blaming our behavior all on the wine!!! <smirk> We were home and in bed around midnight....I love those nights spent out with friends. Thinking about those nights while I was sick and in bed for 4 months helped me visualize myself getting better, getting stronger and to finally be in that moment....I just can't find the right words or the right phrase....truly beautiful to my core, my soul, to be in that moment!
Sunday was even more beautiful than the day before so we all headed out to the lake and did a BBQ. Some were doing a lil fishing, some practicing their bows and some shot a few rounds of skeet shooting. I opted for a long walk in the woods. The ground was damp and the scent was earthy, I was serenaded by the bull frogs and the crickets...I took paths that I never remembered seeing before....such a calmness came forth in me. I could see the leaf buds just starting on the trees, the moss was just a beautiful shade of green on the damp tree trunks and there was me, out in the woods....... with no camera! (ugh) I found this one skinny tree that had small mushrooms growing all the way up its side......like a stairway to heaven..that would of been a great shot! I just hope I can find it next weekend when I bring my camera and try to bring back some of the beauty that was all around me.
As far as my latest health concern goes, God has given me the peace that I needed.......it is what it is and worrying isn't going to change that. I already know what I'll do if the news is bad, I will once again warrior through it and if the news is good, I will once again be thankful for another blessing bestowed upon me and today..........we are all going to the ZOO! And I wont forget my camera this time!
Life is beautiful and I am thankful!
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Heard it in a love song......
Little Big Town
"Bring It On Home"
You got someone here wants to make it alright
Someone who loves you more than life right here
You got willing arms that'll hold you tight
A hand to lead you on through the night right here
I know your heart can get all tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself
[Chorus:]
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me
You know I know you like the back of my hand
But did you know I'm gonna do all that I can right here
I'm gonna lie with you till you fall asleep
When the morning comes I'm still gonna be right here (yes I am)
So take your worries and just drop them at the door
Baby leave it all behind
[Chorus]
Baby let me be your safe harbor
Don't let the water come and carry you away
[Chorus]
You got someone here wants to make it alright
Someone who loves you more than life right here
Thank you Jim for always being my safe harbor, for loving me the way you do....you always know what to say, you always know what do to.....nobody does it better than you!
Friday, March 23, 2007
I'm beginning to dread when my phone rings......
The good news is that the Breast MRI came back just fine....I even breathed a deep sigh of relief.....until I heard the word.....But.
Ok, In my head I hear myself thinking, "OK, the other shoe is about to drop, once again.....
Dr. Office: But what they did detect was a "suspicious lesion" in your lung now.
Me: What? (even though I was really thinking more along the lines of WTF?) Now what?
Dr. Office: "Well, the MRI is not a good diagnostic tool for lung x-rays, so you will have to go to the hospital for a cat scan of your lungs now. Have you ever had a lung CT?
Me: By now I think just about every part of my body has had a CT and a MRI....how soon can we get this done?
Dr. Office: I already went and set you up an appointment for ASAP and that date is next Friday 3:00 p.m.
Me: Is that the soonest they can see me?
Dr Office: Yes, but you can check back all next week and see if there are any cancellations......Kim, I know it's hard but try not to worry.
Me: Me? Worry? As I go running for the shelter of this Momma's little helper (My little bottle of XANAX) I'll try not to worry
Within a half an hour I had no more worries......I have a feeling I will be using that lil pill for more than just sleep over the next week or so.
Dear God, (part 2)
So God, even though I am extremely grateful for the benign results of the cervix biopsy and then the good news on my right breast results (May my left breast rest in peace)....can ya give me just one more pass? I'm beginning to loose a lil of my sunny disposition in all this....so one more negative test result would really be helpful.
So again............I sit, I wait and I wonder and now that pimple issue don't seem so bad right now! lol lol lol
But seriously....I'm getting a lil battle weary
Dear God......
Dear God,
As you well know my life has not been an easy one, there was the difficult childhood, my self destructive years following the loss of my Father at 16. I've had to deal with many things some people will never come close to. Some things that people couldn't even fathom happening to them, but I've dealt with it and I'm not bitter.... and with some of that history, I am very lucky to be alive.
I've handled cancer very well, I did not shed one tear over the loss of my breast or my hair,(OK, that hemmroid did cause me to cry once, just once! lol) I have survived raising 2 teenage daughters and I am handling raising the other teenage daughter and son who are still living at home relatively ok (a slightly different pain in the ass) I've handled my disappointments in life with some semblance of grace....I now know I will never fit into my size 5 Levi's button fly jeans from High School ever again and I've even gotten over that fact and donated them to Goodwill......just last week. I have even dealt with the DH's crazy ex-wife....with me always taking the higher road. (find entries in the archives...so worth the read! lol)
But God? Seriously?....... Pimples? (Oh Yes...Plural!)At the age of 44?(Kinda new to me, kinda new to my face) What is up with that???? lol lol lol
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Life is good...is it not? Ü
Since my diagnosis I've pretty much shared every wonderful, touching, miserable moment here in my blog, I've showed pictures of my breast following my mammotome biopsy, I've showed pictures of my new breast post-op and it's healing progress, I've shown pictures of my belly area after the tram flap reconstruction and the bonus tummy tuck <perk> lol! And I have shared my family life and my mental state through out all this.
You all have been very kind, very loving and very supportive to me and my family during this time and there are no words that can tell you how much every word, in every comment has touched my heart.
Yesterday, late afternoon I received really good news, the Colposcopy results came back benign....Happy dancing here....I just have to go back in 6 months for another pap test....normal protocol ......whewwww! And more good news is some of the dexterity is returning to my fingers, small button still give me a hard time, but I can break pills and tie shoes, grab zippers (minds out of the gutter please! lol) and other small hand motor skills......another yeah for me! This was because of the chemo, not the cancer....just so you know.
I think what I did fail to mention in this blog, is the things that can happen with a tram flap reconstruction. You can and most likely will end up with a lumpy boob thanks to fat necrosis....so of course the first time I felt a lump in the new boob, I went over the edge, then they told me about fat necrosis.......gee Doc's how about telling me that up front! lol Maybe it was me, maybe I didn't do my homework on that, I can also feel small bumps where the stitches are, now they are covered with scar tissue. so even though the new boob looks fabulous it's lumps are hard and sometimes uncomfortable...just thought anyone who has been touched by BC recently should know a few things about the tram flap reconstruction, that wasn't explained to me in great detail. They say if they become to bothersome they can go in and shave them down...but that will take away the fullness of the new breast.
So here I am 8 months since being diagnosed and my scars are healing very well, my mind has stayed relatively strong, my fingers are working better each day, my arm range is getting better (from the removal of the lymph nodes)...My breast, abdomen, the back of my left arm, my fingers and my toes are still numb...but all in all I think I can live with that! ;)
I go for the breast MRI later today on the right breast, and I'm getting a pretty good vibe about this finally....I'm seeing nothing but blue skies from now on!
The reason I have shared with the World Wide Web my journey through all this, is because for some reason it made my cancer less scarry for me (call me selfish! lol), and if I could help the next person who is given a cancer diagnosis see that even though you can't control the fact that you have cancer, cancer doesn't have to have you!
I remember my first day at the Cancer Hospital and was told by one of the very kind nurses........'Some people go home and crawl into bed with your diagnosis and have already lost the battle, then there are those people who fight like hell and not let cancer take more than it has too from them........I see you are a fighter and you are going to be just fine!" And you know what? I think I am too!
I am blessed! Aren't I!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Waiting.......
Time.... Time.....Ticking.......Ticking away..........
Still waiting for my Colposcopy results, still waiting for the Breast MRI (Thursday) Still waiting for my Jim to get home from a "rarely ever happens" business trip.
So I am completely in my manic mode........I don't care what anyone says about mania, it's the only time I have the energy to do everything I have to get done! lol lol lol I'm even going back to the gym for the first time since my mastectomy this morning after I drop the kids off at school........yeah me! lol
I've been spring cleaning my house one room at a time, I've been out every day either doing lunch or shopping with one the girlz....I'll probably get grounded as soon as Jim gets home..........NOT! lol lol lol...... although I really did need the things that I bought....all my pre-cancer clothes don't fit and even though I will probably loose even more weight once I start working out again I can't walk around with my pants falling off me or be able to smuggle a small family under my shirts now can I???
Who knew cancer had perks huh? lol lol lol
Life is good and I am thankful for every moment of it!
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Monday Morning Photo shoot....
Ha! Ha! Tricked ya! If you wanna see my photo your gonna have to go over to my photo blog...I think that is where I'm going to put my entries when I participate in the Monday Photo Shoots from now on.........Linky linky ~~~> Photographic Memory
Monday, March 19, 2007
The real Party Animals! lol lol lol
I spent Sunday out with the real party animals......The Ranch! I'ts been the first time I was out there since before I was sick....I finally had the energy and the weather was cooperating! So please stop on over at my Photographic Memory Blog <~~~ link and check the pics!
Eye of Shalimar
More Friday Night Pics! lol
And just check out those new eyebrows and eyelashes!!!!!
And the new hair coming in! It's much darker than it was before..it's very much like my Fathers Dark Ash Blonde....with a few gray hairs thrown in....Gee Thanks!! lol lol lol And the earring were brought for me to wear from my SIL. They were glow stick hoops! lol
And last but not least my BIL feeling very lucky! lol
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Just a few pic of Friday Night
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Happy St. Patricks Day!!
Ok, With a maiden Name of Brennan and a whole list of Cavanaugh's, Dempsey, Mc Turnan's and the list of Irish Sir Names goes on and on you can tell I'm more than a wee bit Irish.......I think it's my stubbornness that gives me away most of the times....not that I'm sure any of you even noticed that!!! ;)
I am very proud of my Irish heritage, so much so that I even have a green shamrock tattooed on me arse and another favorite thing of mine besides the Irish soil my Mother smuggled out of Ireland for me is this plaque that I have hanging in my home....it gave me a good case of the chit's and giggles when I spotted it in an antique store and I had to have it!
Ahhh..... Blessing.....Curse....you say tomatoes, I say tomadoe's lol lol
So of course I am highly suspicious of anyone who limps around me!!!! lol lol lol
Thank you all who have shown me so much love in the past 24 hours, again you lifted me when I was down and I don't stay down for very long.....I pictured Cancer as someone who had the balls to tell me that I "couldn't" do something......and everybody knows you don't ever tell an Irish Broad (that would be me Ü ) that she "can't" do something......she will prove you wrong every time!!! lol lol lol
I had a wonderful time out with family and friends last night pictures to follow.......well, actually only the ones that won't get me TOS'd!!!! lmaoooooo
Friday, March 16, 2007
Dreaded Intuition
Today I am overwhelmed.......last night I was angry and emotionally drained....I went to bed at 6:30 and slept until 10:00 and was back in bed asleep my 10:30.
When I was first told I had cancer, I accepted it right away....Ok, what do I do? When do I do it? When will I be done with it? I gathered all the information and I broke it down into 3 steps. Step 1 being the removal of my breast and the recovery, mind and body from that, step 2 being chemo.... the part I feared the most....I did that with very minimal complaining, step 3 was to have the other breast lifted and the new breast finished with a new nipple and a tattooed areola.......doing the math, setting the final surgery and having to wait a few months in between following my chemo I had it set in my mind that I would be done with cancer by next month......all 3 stages completed.........NOT!
I picked up my films yesterday and went for my 3:20 appointment to see my surgeon who request that I have the mammo/ultra sound before the right breast lift, I found a new lump in my right breast, the right breast that I begged the Doctors to remove because of the cancer in the left breast.....I was told let's just worry about what is wrong with you and fix that, there is a less than 5% chance that the cancer will ever invade your other breast. So after reviewing my films, my Surgeon does another breast exam, finds the lump himself and is very concerned, the mammo/ultra sound films show nothing to be concerned about, but they have missed cancerous tumors before, so now he wants me to have a MRI Breast Test....highly more accurate at finding cancerous tumors and he said whatever it is he wants to take it out and have it biopsied.........so there goes my surgery date of April 4th......the date I thought I could finally put cancer behind me.
I can't tell you how defeated I feel, the reason I could and did stay so strong during this whole ordeal is because I knew I had an end date....just like labor and delivery I could bare the pain because I knew that it had an ending.......now I have no idea of when this is going to end...I know I will bounce back quickly from this set back, I always do! It just takes me about 24 hours to deal with it then let it go...come what may....I will do battle again! I am a warrior in pink of course....my new signature color ;)
So cancer if you're coming to get me....I'll be ready and waiting for you!
When I was first told I had cancer, I accepted it right away....Ok, what do I do? When do I do it? When will I be done with it? I gathered all the information and I broke it down into 3 steps. Step 1 being the removal of my breast and the recovery, mind and body from that, step 2 being chemo.... the part I feared the most....I did that with very minimal complaining, step 3 was to have the other breast lifted and the new breast finished with a new nipple and a tattooed areola.......doing the math, setting the final surgery and having to wait a few months in between following my chemo I had it set in my mind that I would be done with cancer by next month......all 3 stages completed.........NOT!
I picked up my films yesterday and went for my 3:20 appointment to see my surgeon who request that I have the mammo/ultra sound before the right breast lift, I found a new lump in my right breast, the right breast that I begged the Doctors to remove because of the cancer in the left breast.....I was told let's just worry about what is wrong with you and fix that, there is a less than 5% chance that the cancer will ever invade your other breast. So after reviewing my films, my Surgeon does another breast exam, finds the lump himself and is very concerned, the mammo/ultra sound films show nothing to be concerned about, but they have missed cancerous tumors before, so now he wants me to have a MRI Breast Test....highly more accurate at finding cancerous tumors and he said whatever it is he wants to take it out and have it biopsied.........so there goes my surgery date of April 4th......the date I thought I could finally put cancer behind me.
I can't tell you how defeated I feel, the reason I could and did stay so strong during this whole ordeal is because I knew I had an end date....just like labor and delivery I could bare the pain because I knew that it had an ending.......now I have no idea of when this is going to end...I know I will bounce back quickly from this set back, I always do! It just takes me about 24 hours to deal with it then let it go...come what may....I will do battle again! I am a warrior in pink of course....my new signature color ;)
So cancer if you're coming to get me....I'll be ready and waiting for you!
Thursday, March 15, 2007
A boob, a biopsy, a Boy and his Bass
10 minutes before I had to leave for my Colposcopy appointment I have a lil 'freak out' session, I'm yelling at Jim for no reason, I'm so nervous I literally choke on the vicodin I'm trying swallow and up it comes.......DO OVER! 2 times! That was weird, I must have been really nervous or I remember when I was going through chemo and my meals consisted of mostly meds...I was unable to swallow a lot during that time....all in my head! I know!
So after I swallow about 1127 MG's of vicodin and Jim finally gets me in the truck, I'm good! I'm calm...I even left goldylocks at home! When I first learned I would loose my hair to chemo I thought I would be OK with that, but it took me a long time to stop seeing the carved up sideshow freak with the bald head every time I looked into the mirror. Then when I first started to wear Goldylocks I swore everyone could tell it was a wig! Even though people who have known me for decades said it looked just like my old hair and new people that would come into my life swore they didn't know.....here lies the irony in it all....it seems I was more worried about people knowing that I was wearing a wig than the fact that I was bald! What is up with that?? lol I just realized this yesterday when I spent my entire day out in public as "the bald chick with the funky earrings" lol
I went to my Doctor's appointment without it, sat in the packed waiting room blowing bubbles that popped all over my face several times, Jim kept telling me to stop and I'm like "Why? It's not like I'm gonna get it stuck in my hair or something!!" That sent him over the edge laughing! Now during my procedure with yet again another handsome Doctor...must be my lucky year for that! lol He said that my cervix was closed completely and that it's common for women my age......my foot almost slipped out of the stir up and kicked him in his handsome face.... accidentally of course! lol Woman my age!!!! geeesh I'm only 44! lol Then he said or it could be because of the Tomaxifen....so I'm going with that! lol lol lol Well anyway he said that he had to do a small biopsy at the edge of the cervix so my cervix would respond by opening and giving him a better view...he was very pleased with what he saw or didn't see, He told me he's still sending the tissue off for the biopsy but that it didn't look like anything to worry about! See ya in six months for another pap test just for reassurance............yipppppeeeee! And there wasn't any pain or cramping just a small pinch and it was over in about 4 minutes.
After the Doctor's office we came home for a bit then one of my girlfriends called to check up on me (it was her 35th B-day too) and since I was feeling much better than I thought I would we decided to hook up at the lake so off I took my bald self to the grocery store to pick up some things to cook out there for dinner and a birthday cake for her of course, then back home to get Jim and the kids and off to the lake I went...bald!...I think goldylocks might be brought out of retirement only for special occasions from now on!
Today I find out about that other lump in my other breast...still not sure what vibe I'm getting on that...no fear just a little dread....but at least my mind will be at peace...it's the not knowing that messes with my head the most....if my news is just as good today as yesterday what an incredible summer I'm going to have this year and I can put last years sucky one behind me! Ü
kmh 2007
That boy look like his Momma or what??? lol lol
Anybody else having problems getting their alerts???
DAMN YOU AOL! DAMN YOU!....... LOL LOL LOL
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
So much to tell....so little time! lol
Later this afternoon Jim will be taking me for my Colposcopy Test, My Gyn Dr will be doing the test in his office and thank all of you who have had this test and gave me great advice...I'm not sure if I am going to take a vicodin or a xanax! lol I was told it should take under a week to get the results back and I have no fear in my heart..my intuition is telling me the funky result was because of the chemo treatments.
I called Dr. Hottie for my Mammo/UltraSound tests and his Nurse said he wanted to see me, now with the first bout with Cancer the Radiologist told me I had Cancer without actually saying it out loud....I was told lumps are explained 3 ways, non-suspicious, borderline and suspicious, he said, "I am adding way beyond suspicious to yours!" This time I had different TECHS and a different Radiologist and nothing was confirmed or denied, I was just told the mammo warranted the ultra sound and that the ultra sound alone looked great, but they needed to study the Mammo longer and that there definitely was a lump on my right breast...the left one was the one I lost to Breast Cancer. I see Dr. Hottie on Thursday afternoon...my intuition is a buzzing but I can't get a good read on it yet......but whatever it is I will once again do exactly what the Doctor's tell me even if it's more surgery and more chemo.....I got babies to finish raising and grand babies yet to meet and Jim needs me....he has no idea where anything is in this house!! lol lol lol.......And most of all I want a little more of "happily ever after" with him!!!
I have decided along with my friends and family to do the Y-ME Breast Cancer Walk which takes place on Mother's Day in Grant Park (Chicago) so if you wish to help me raise funds please visit my link to this event to make a donation....EVERY DOLLAR DOES SOME GOOD! I did my battle with just the support of my family and friends and YOU... my J-Land friends, other's need more than that so please help if you can and for those that can't help financially right now your prayers are needed and most appreciated!
Y-ME National Breast Cancer Organization: Race to Empower - Chicago:
Monday, March 12, 2007
weekend recap...martini's, surprise party, fishing and a trip to the ER! Yikes!
A long weekend of sun and fun was just what I needed! Friday afternoon was finally warm enough for me to be out on the ice to do a little fishing! I had gone to lake 3 other previous times to ice fish but it was way tooooo cold for me so indoors I ran. Not this time I was out on the ice in the sometime on and off again rain, fishing my lil heart out! I caught and released about 20 fish in lil more than 1 hour! I was a happy girl! For those fishermen/women out there that want to know what kind it was mostly bluegills and 1 bass....only snagged my line once and my BIL came to my rescue! lol
Saturday was my cousins 40th B-day, she had no idea when I kidnapped her that morning for breakfast, then on to the Crown Victoria (gambling boat) then a stop at Applebees because we still had an hour to kill before I was to bring her back home to her surprise party thrown by her DH. We were pretty much on schedule until she ordered another round of Appletini's.(ended up being 45 minutes late to her own party! lol)......yikes! We were getting a little smashed...so much so we had to call an Uncle of ours who lives down the street from where we were to drive us back to her house! lol She was totally surprised when she walked into a house full of friends and family and we all had a ball! Long day for me so by 9:30 p.m. I was hurting (lingering bone pain) so Jim went to get my truck, then picked me up and home and bed I went.
Sunday was even more beautiful and warm out so it officially ended the ice fishing season and started the BBQ'N season out at the lake. Some of the guys took off into the woods to take down their tree stands and one of the guys catapulted about 20 feet down and another 20 feet out away from the tree, damn stubborn man couldn't walk, it was obvious he broke something in his foot and his back was hurting so bad he was writhing in pain....didn't want to lay there, tried to get up, my BIL had to actually lay over him to keep him still.
He wouldn't let anyone call an ambulance..so we said fine MF'R we are throwing you into the back of the Kim's truck and off we went to the ER. He broke is right heel and a lumbar 2 compression fracture in his back. He and we are so lucky that it wasn't worse than that. I know we should have called the ambulance and next time we will no matter what he says, he could of ended up in a wheel chair. He's still at the hospital for an MRI and CT Scan to see which is the best way to put him back together again. My GF, his wife was a nervous wreck, she wasn't at the lake when it happened, but met me and another one of our GF's at the ER. Me and the other GF left only after he was morphined up (twice) and we had a chance to speak to his DR. Then we went back to the lake to bring everybody else up to speed on his diagnosis and treatments. I'll find out more a lil later today.
Who knew that a beautiful weekend would end up like that....Stubborn man still thought he was going to work today!!! NOT!!!!!
Saturday was my cousins 40th B-day, she had no idea when I kidnapped her that morning for breakfast, then on to the Crown Victoria (gambling boat) then a stop at Applebees because we still had an hour to kill before I was to bring her back home to her surprise party thrown by her DH. We were pretty much on schedule until she ordered another round of Appletini's.(ended up being 45 minutes late to her own party! lol)......yikes! We were getting a little smashed...so much so we had to call an Uncle of ours who lives down the street from where we were to drive us back to her house! lol She was totally surprised when she walked into a house full of friends and family and we all had a ball! Long day for me so by 9:30 p.m. I was hurting (lingering bone pain) so Jim went to get my truck, then picked me up and home and bed I went.
Sunday was even more beautiful and warm out so it officially ended the ice fishing season and started the BBQ'N season out at the lake. Some of the guys took off into the woods to take down their tree stands and one of the guys catapulted about 20 feet down and another 20 feet out away from the tree, damn stubborn man couldn't walk, it was obvious he broke something in his foot and his back was hurting so bad he was writhing in pain....didn't want to lay there, tried to get up, my BIL had to actually lay over him to keep him still.
He wouldn't let anyone call an ambulance..so we said fine MF'R we are throwing you into the back of the Kim's truck and off we went to the ER. He broke is right heel and a lumbar 2 compression fracture in his back. He and we are so lucky that it wasn't worse than that. I know we should have called the ambulance and next time we will no matter what he says, he could of ended up in a wheel chair. He's still at the hospital for an MRI and CT Scan to see which is the best way to put him back together again. My GF, his wife was a nervous wreck, she wasn't at the lake when it happened, but met me and another one of our GF's at the ER. Me and the other GF left only after he was morphined up (twice) and we had a chance to speak to his DR. Then we went back to the lake to bring everybody else up to speed on his diagnosis and treatments. I'll find out more a lil later today.
Who knew that a beautiful weekend would end up like that....Stubborn man still thought he was going to work today!!! NOT!!!!!
Friday, March 9, 2007
They say........
They say that after awhile people start to look like their pets, I'm wondering if that's true or not.....you tell me! lol lol lol
Boo wearing Goldylocks..........Me wearing Goldylocks! lol
Ok, enough of being silly....my ultra sound came back very good, they still wanted to review my mammogram, there is definitely a lump, the tech that did the mammogram said the results warranted the ultra sound.....GULP........And the tech that did the U/S was a student in training and asked if it was ok for her to do the U/S, then the Tech she is training under would come in and do the U/S too, I thought 4 eyes are better than two so go for it! They took the U/S to the Radiologist and because of my personal history with Breast Cancer and the fact that it was sooo aggressive she too wanted to do the U/S....talk about covering all the bases...6 eyes to check and double check....alleviated a lot of my stress.
When the testing was over I was told I could pick up a CD Rom of the U/S but that they wanted to further review the mammogram. That did raise a little red flag, but whatever it is....it is.... and I will once again do what ever I have to do to spend a lil more time with my Jim and my kids. My Surgeon Dr. Hottie is returning from his vacation today so I should be getting some news very soon. What gives me comfort was last year with the left breast, they told me right there in the mammography and ultra sound room that I had cancer, I didn't hear that this time so I'm not to worried. On the 14th I still have to have that test to check for cervical or uterin cancer due to the abnormal pap test result. While I was at the hospital for the mammo and U/S, I stopped over at the Cancer Hospital and talked to the Oncology nurses...they said very normal for that to happen even up to a year......that was music to my ears!
I was recently told about another J-Lander from the other side of the pond who has been given the Breast Cancer diagnosis and I know how much your love and support helped me keep my head above water so please stop on by and show her some love!
Thank's Bill for letting me know about Jeannette!
Thursday, March 8, 2007
What is your Dosha?
***Your Dosha is Pitta***
Hmmm....PITA stands for Pain in the Ass...so does this transfer to Pain in that there Ass?? lol lol lol
You have a quick mind, a gift for persuasion, and a sharp sense of humor.
You have both the drive and people skills to be a very successful leader.
Argumentative and a bit stubborn (Moi? Stubborn? Say it ain't so! Say it ain't so! lol) , you have been known to be a little too set in your ways. (So, What's your point?lol)
But while you may be biased toward your own point of view, you are always honest, fair, and ethical.
With friends: You are outgoing and open to anyone who might want to talk to you
In love: You are picky but passionate
To achieve more balance: Be less judgmental of those around you, and take cool walks in the moonlight.
What's Your Dosha?
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourdoshaquiz/
It's just too damn eerie how accurate some of these things are huh?
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Me, My Lover Boy and Mammograms! lol
In a couple of hours I will once again have one of my breasts smashed under glass and once again be told to hold my breath and told not to move.....OK, with that amount of applied pressure who's breathing?? lol And as far as moving......I kinda can't really go anywhere with my breast being held in a vice like grip now can I??? Before my masectomy, I would of said something more along the lines "And just where do you expect me to go without my breast.......but I did enter an operating room just a few shorts months ago and even though I exited that operating room, me and that breast did go seperate ways.....no worries I have a brand new shiny one!
Now with there being a new lump in the 8:00 o'clock position on my right breast and my personal history with breast cancer I have to have all the tests ran again. Jim is going with me even though they won't let him go into the waiting room, mammogram or ultra sound room.......something about other women and other breasts.......Ummmm.....he's seen breasts before and I think he stopped giggling over the sight of them at the age of 9, but they still said "No Way" Me? I have no problem exposing them in the name of medicine, I'll do anything to make sure other women take their health a lil more serious. I was always one to think it can't happen to me and it did!
I remember when I first found out I was pregnant with my first daughter...I was on my own already by that time and I was OK with that......just because her Father(her Bio Dad, not my Jim) wasn't ready to become a parent and insisted I terminate the pregnancy....I was ready to become a Mom and I was having that baby so off you go!!!! Of course I was in denial of even being pregnant for months..I thought if I avoid the Doctor then no one will be able to confirm the pregnancy....I was young, stubborn and niave. So when I finally did go to the Doctor and he asked me why I thought I might be pregnant I said, "Ummmmmm...Cuz it's kicking me!!!!" ( I was almost 7 month pregnant but still wasn't showing yet) I was very lucky that my child was born healthy....I made sure I ate right and took prenatal vitamins...now at this age I know how risky my denial was.
So me and my Guy are off to yet another Doctor's visit, yet another test and a whole lot of waiting...but with him at my side I can handle anything!
Me and My Guy.......oh yeah and goldylocks! (my wig of course) lol lol lol
After 20 something years I still have such a crush on that man........ain't love grand!!!! Ü
Monday, March 5, 2007
A mighty sword!
One's mind is a mighty sword! Who knew that having a difficult childhood would help me in a great many ways through the years. When I was little and things were bad in the house, my mind would let me wander to happier places and times, I would be able to block out many things a small child should not be a witness too. When I was a little older I became physically abused in some way almost everyday....Who was my tormenter? My older Brother....since he was the victim of my Fathers drunken tirades (something he inherited from his own Father) he had no where else to put all that anger so he took it out on my sister and myself. Me more so because I never learned to keep my mouth shut......go figure! Today my Mothers guilt lies in why didn't I tell her, I had to confess that if I even tried to my beatings would be worse. Today I do not hold those days against anyone in my family....I understand that "emotional pain" and certain "Family Cycles" cause people to do unspeakable things! So even though I had a horrible Father who I still adored, my Mother was my other influence.... so for everything good in me, I owe it to her.
My Grandfather was harder on his first born which was my Father, so doing the only thing he knew, he was harder on my Brother, My brother was in so much pain his only outlet was to do what was done to him on me.....I understand the pattern, but I knew that I would never repeat it and I did have to be constantly vigil about it because my own childhood would creep up on me from time to time. Having a childhood like that taught me how to build very big walls around me, it also taught me how to disassociate......some think that's a bad thing, I think that's a good thing....it has kept many bad things from getting to me and altering who I was meant to be....including this cancer. I know what I went through, I felt every moment of it, but now my mind has once again protected me from it and I have no emotional ties to the experience. Being able to do that keeps me looking forward to everyday as a new gift, nothing from my past can hold me back or hold me down for very long. I remember every terrible thing that has happened to me, every battle that I conquered.....but I am not the type of person that uses what has happened to me in the past, to be used as an excuse for a shitty attitude or feel that life owes me something for it. Some how it had the complete opposite effect, it taught me to be a better person, and for that I am thankful. It taught me empathy for others who are going through bad times of their own but I have only a few minutes to spare for those that wallow in the "Whoa is me" stage for very long, and for those that use their bad experiences as a "poor me" excuse for the rest of their lives.
Life is too short, I learned the true meaning of that phrase last summer so even with Cancer I have become a better person for it, I learned so many new things about myself, I again had to rely on my own inner strength and with the love of my Jim it got me through something horrible and come out the other side a survivor.
My childhood taught me well, it might have gave me a thick skin but also made room for a bigger heart and an open mind and for that I am thankful!
Beside writing another thing that brings me great joy is photography.....I started another blog dedicated to my view of this world about a year ago, so if you want to see how I see the world around me stop on over.... link ~~~~~> Photographic Memory
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Where my head is at today 3/4/07
I remember the first time after a tight hug from my Husband feeling pain in my left breast....kinda like with PMS and almost as painful as a nursing breast engorged....OUCH! What is up with that I remember thinking to myself, so in passing while picking up a prescription for my thyroid disease and a prescription for xanax due to the fact that Jim's first wife, myself and an air marshal were all going for a plane ride to Jamaica for our shared daughters wedding...there would be less chances for an 'international incident' if Kim (Moi) was medicated! lol Ok back to where this entry is supposed to be going! lol
I said to the Doc, my breast is extremely tender when the lightest pressure is applied to it......i.e.. Hugs, bathing, bras, sleeping on that side etc. I was told it's probably peri menopause (early signs of menopause, all the symptoms but still monthly menstruation) with no need to worry... off to Jamaica I went.....breast cancer was confirmed after I insisted after injuring said breast even further in Jamaica.....thank God for that late night bump into the armoire!
So after the mastectomy, the reconstruction and after the 4 months of chemo that I was told there is no guarantee that it works...it's more like a hail Mary of sorts, I go for my regular pap only to find that my test came back abnormal....(abnormal cells were detected) I know lots of women get abnormal results, but where my panic lies is the medicine that I have to take for years to come, Tomaxifen causes uterine cancer as a secondary cancer with woman who are treated for breast cancer so further testing will be done on March 14th.
Now call me paranoid....I feel I have the right to be....my DH hugs me this morning and I have a familiar pain in my right breast now...I do a quick self breast exam and I find a new lump.....I had asked for my right breast to be removed when we found cancer in my left breast, I was told that there is only a 5% chance that cancer can invade the second breast..........hello! my cancer was very aggressive with new tumors popping up within one months time! I was told let's fix what's wrong with you now and try not worry about things that aren't wrong with you..... which breaks down to "if it ain't broke don't fix it!" So now on top of the abnormal pap test result, I have a new lump in my boob, the good boob, the one that didn't try to kill me.....I have a new mammogram scheduled for march 6th followed by an ultra sound.
I cycle very fast, I'm done freaking out I'm back in my warrior mode, I'm kinda pissed again when I let my mind wander there and I'm still trying to celebrate everyday that I'm alive and kicking.....so while I'm alive and kicking the next few weeks I will be holding my breath.
Such is life huh? I remember a quote by Mother Theresa ( and I am in no way comparing myself to her...I have sinned tooo many times lol!) There is an old quote that states "He (as in GOD) never gives you more than you can handle" Mother Theresa's response to that after a few minutes of silence....."Sometimes I wish He (as in GOD) didn't trust me so much!"
I'm sooooo beginning to relate! Now if I can keep my new hair sprouts and my sense of humor through this ordeal, it really WILL be a miracle!!!! lol lol lol
I said to the Doc, my breast is extremely tender when the lightest pressure is applied to it......i.e.. Hugs, bathing, bras, sleeping on that side etc. I was told it's probably peri menopause (early signs of menopause, all the symptoms but still monthly menstruation) with no need to worry... off to Jamaica I went.....breast cancer was confirmed after I insisted after injuring said breast even further in Jamaica.....thank God for that late night bump into the armoire!
So after the mastectomy, the reconstruction and after the 4 months of chemo that I was told there is no guarantee that it works...it's more like a hail Mary of sorts, I go for my regular pap only to find that my test came back abnormal....(abnormal cells were detected) I know lots of women get abnormal results, but where my panic lies is the medicine that I have to take for years to come, Tomaxifen causes uterine cancer as a secondary cancer with woman who are treated for breast cancer so further testing will be done on March 14th.
Now call me paranoid....I feel I have the right to be....my DH hugs me this morning and I have a familiar pain in my right breast now...I do a quick self breast exam and I find a new lump.....I had asked for my right breast to be removed when we found cancer in my left breast, I was told that there is only a 5% chance that cancer can invade the second breast..........hello! my cancer was very aggressive with new tumors popping up within one months time! I was told let's fix what's wrong with you now and try not worry about things that aren't wrong with you..... which breaks down to "if it ain't broke don't fix it!" So now on top of the abnormal pap test result, I have a new lump in my boob, the good boob, the one that didn't try to kill me.....I have a new mammogram scheduled for march 6th followed by an ultra sound.
I cycle very fast, I'm done freaking out I'm back in my warrior mode, I'm kinda pissed again when I let my mind wander there and I'm still trying to celebrate everyday that I'm alive and kicking.....so while I'm alive and kicking the next few weeks I will be holding my breath.
Such is life huh? I remember a quote by Mother Theresa ( and I am in no way comparing myself to her...I have sinned tooo many times lol!) There is an old quote that states "He (as in GOD) never gives you more than you can handle" Mother Theresa's response to that after a few minutes of silence....."Sometimes I wish He (as in GOD) didn't trust me so much!"
I'm sooooo beginning to relate! Now if I can keep my new hair sprouts and my sense of humor through this ordeal, it really WILL be a miracle!!!! lol lol lol
Saturday, March 3, 2007
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