Friday, September 1, 2006

Where my heads at today......

I remember when my first born turned 6 weeks old......I remember thinking and patting myself on my back, what a dutiful, caring Mother I have been. Six Whole weeks dedicated to someone besides myself, that was a long time to a person who hadn't known how self centered she was until she gave birth to that beautiful baby girl. I remember thinking "WOW! six weeks.........when do I get my break??" What an IDIOT I was.......I had just turned 23....two weeks before her birth.

So fast forward 20 years and here I sit........a 2 week post-op breast cancer patient, with tram flap reconstruction, with a new boob that had about 4 very LARGE syringes of fluid removed from said, new boob yesterday and wondering..................WTF!!!!!

Then as fast as that thought crossed my mind, again I said, WTF......WOMAN it's only been 2 weeks since the Mastectomy and the reconstruction.......why am I pushing myself so hard? I answer that question almost immediately........I'm a control freak! I like to know what's around the corner, so I can prepare myself for what's around the corner and with cancer.......it's out of my control! That's pretty tough for a control freak!

Then quickly my mind flashes back to one of the funniest movies I have ever seen and we all know how much I am into humor! ;) That movie called ...."What about Bob?" (Bill Murray, Richard Dreyfus) and I say to myself........BABY STEPS BOB, BABY STEPS! lol

Can a woman who is used to running full force into life learn at 43 to even take baby steps? I'm wondering already what kind of day this is going to be?? lol I think I am back to being really pissed off again..... lol! I can carry more weight on my shoulders when I am pissed off........a trick learned early during a sometimes very difficult childhood. Now I know the "WHY'S" to all my childhood times revisited.....I would need this "THICK SKIN"


Boy my mind cycles fast!

24 comments:

rap4143 said...

You hang in there!!!!

Betty

schoolgal040 said...

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stevietwain said...

Best wishes to you hun!

Lv Stevie
x

magran42 said...

Whatever works!  Use it.  Prayers for you.

sangrialel said...

I think that you can learn to take those baby steps, even at 42!  I think that it might be a lesson that alot of us need to learn!  Linda

chat2missie said...

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xomywayox said...

You sooo rock, no one can tell you better then yourself. I think this is why I think you're such a wonderful woman.

You Control Freak....LoL

Brenda

buggieboo1 said...

I am sort of a control  freak also and don't like the unknown!
Take baby steps!  or try to espcially now! and be good to yourself!
prayers going up!
Sharon

nelishianatl said...

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candlejmr said...

Oh, we are so much alike it is scary.  I think not having that control over my own life would be the hardest thing for me.  I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now.....

That being said....since I am sitting here on the other side of the fence, I will tell you this....

RELAX.  It is what it is.  Some things are in your hands and some aren't,  so try and focus on those that ARE.  I KNOW...easier said than done.  I also know that if there is anyone out there who can battle this....IT IS YOU.

Hang in there my friend.  I am sending lots of ((hugs)) your way.  Hope they help a little!

((hugs))  ((hugs))  ((hugs))
Jeanne

seraphoflove9001 said...

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imshadowraven2 said...

Control freak you ???? nooooooooo lmao .  You are just ready to move on and ahead and medically its gonna take time and we all know when Kim wants something done and over with thats the way its supposed to be. As for your head and emotions you will probably be like a yo-yo for awhile till u either get really pissed or laugh yourself silly. You know us control types its our way or the highway but this time we gotta travel the slow country road my friend.......love you lots g/f         ~~~~Robin~~~~

siennastarr said...

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dwhee70041 said...

Kim,  I was forced to "step back and chill" in my life.  Life can be beautiful, if you take the time to slow down, watch and "take baby steps".  Give you body a chance to heal and be patient.  After watching my MIL deal with her cancer and Chemo, I have nothing but prayers and good wishes for you, Kim.  I know you can deal with it.  Keep smiling.  David

sdoscher458 said...

You can't help it...if it is your nature.  But and it's a big but...relax yourself for once in your life....mediate, think good thoughts, rest and know that you are loved.....you will heal faster.....think of all the positive energy coming your way....Sandi

pippa1116 said...

hmmmm, well, it is great that you are so strong willed.  but if you do too much, you body has a way of taking over and saying, "Whoaaaa Nellie, have a seat" and will sit you right down, right then.  so just play it be ear and have a good weekend.  tina http://journals.aol.com/pippa1116/SteelMagnolia

bmorrrick said...

Hi Kim,

I couldn't help but get "tickled" reading about how proud you were of yourself when your daughter was 6 weeks old!!  Soooo cute!!  You really didn't know how easy that time would be compared to later, huh?  Ah....youth!!! (ha)  Sorry you're kind of having a rough day, please try not to be so hard on yourself hon...you've just had major surgery, besides all mental stress!!  You have been so strong and brave, such an inspiration for all of us.  I bet your hair looks really beautiful with the new haircut.  Please take it easy and don't push too hard, you're doing remarkable already girl!!  Keeping you in my prayers.

Take Care,
~Bilinda~

lanurseprn said...

You will learn a lot about yourself by going through this.  Just slow down and let yourself heal.  Both body and mind.  I'm glad you are doing so good.
Pamela

lindapaterson177 said...

Your never too old to learn to "Slow Dance " where you see everything as if it was brand new, and the only way to see this is to take it easy,even if it maeans baby steps! your doing a great job keep up the good work. take care linda xxx
http://journals.aol.co.uk/lindapaterson177/IstartedofthislifewithnothingIst/

blgrn97 said...

Kim Your doing very well keep it up. B

inafrnz247 said...

You are doing just fine... take long, deep breaths, close your eyes, listen to some relaxing music, and drift away...



Oh ~ sorry.. see how well it works?  ::smiling::   Michelle

pprrrr39 said...

Kim........seems like you are doing fine.....but....you need to take things slower ......and make the most of this time that you have recovering to build up your strength ready for your journey ahead  :o)

Hugs
Jayne

shayshaydc said...

From one "control freak" to another.... it is so hard to slow down and let life do it's thing!!!! But sometimes things are just out of our control and it is probably a good thing to because we tend to make a mess of it!!! LOL... Before you know it... you will look back and wonder what happened to the year that just flew by!!!! And you will not believe that it has been a year since your surgery!!!! http://journals.aol.com/shayshaydc/Golfaholic
Sharon:)

ashleekr said...

Thinking of you and been missing you.  You are gonna be JUST fine WOMAN!!!!!!!!
Ash