Friday, September 22, 2006

MIA....My Sunny Disposition

My Surgery went well, or so I am told.....I can't remember. It was while I was getting dressed to go home (4:30 ish) that the newly placed porta-cath started to hurt......1000 MG's of vicodin later, I was on my merry, stoned way home. I battled nausea the rest of the evening.


Sometime around 3:00 a.m I woke up in pain and in tears....that is finally when I had my pity party for one, I broke down with the kind of tears that everyone was waiting for....it really wasn't a pity party for one....Jim was my party guest. 750 MG'S of vicodin and a half box of Puff's later the party ended. Was that the big cry that was long passed due? I've wept quiet tears before, none for me, only for those that me having cancer has touched. I've cried when I've heard sad songs on the radio, I've cried over sad endings I've witnessed while watching television, I've wept silently watching my DH, Jim Sleep. I still haven't done the "Y Me" tears.......just can't go there...don't think I can ever go there.


I think what started off as tears of pain finally turned into tears of frustration. Having Cancer is bad enough, but why do I have to be in pain too? That just seems so unfair. The Mastectomy and the Tram Flap left me mostly numb so mostly pain free, the lymph node surgery left my arm in a lot of pain and only once in awhile do I feel the plastic piece that they rebuilt my abdominal wall with.......but this porta-cath hurts like hell (I'm told that is only temporary) and I was right about one thing though......this porta-cath has totally trashed my last huggable side to me. My post op, lymph node removed left arm has temporarily become my "good arm."


Me thinks I am back to being really pissed off again! Chemo starts Tuesday.......that's just (insert bad word here) great! Well, at least I'm attempting to clean up my potty mouth.

35 comments:

astaryth said...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}} At least cyber-hugs don't hurt! Hang in there kid!

missheathyrmaree said...

(((((((Kim)))))))))
You can do this hon.
I know you can.
xox,
H

schoolgal040 said...

h

rap4143 said...

You are going to have your ups and downs.  My neighbor would come over and sit and talk and cry.  I am so happy to report to you she is doing great now!!! You hang in there!!!
Betty

pippa1116 said...

hey, you're entitled to a potty mouth!  and there will be more "big cries" as you continue.  But you are still the bravest, most beautiful breast cancer patient that I know.
tina

my78novata said...

HO {{{{{{{{HUIGS}}}}}}}}}}}} I hope your better soon. I dont blame you for being down. FATHER BLESS HER HEAL HER and GIVE HER STRENGTH> AMEN

imshadowraven2 said...

(((((((((Kim))))))))))
I knew the cry would come and i knew you would deal with it in your own way and in your own time. Thats how tough beautiful broads do it OUR WAY.......

          ~~~~Robin~~~~

nolefan38 said...

Take the pills before the pain gets real bad if you can ............. hugs, Sherry

mzgoochi said...

mine gave me problems too and had to be replaced once. I was so happy to get that thing out. Plus I had a drain that fell out twice and had to be replaced. My Dr accused me of pulling it out on purpose. He was an asshole.

Thinking of you Kim. (((Lots of pain free virtual hugs))) :)

candlejmr said...

h

pharmolo said...

Well, at least you got it off your chest. It's a rotten journey, but one you need to make. You've done very well so far, so keep going. Grit your teeth for the chemo!

lindaggeorge said...

You F & B all you want, now is not the time for worring about your language. I swear like a trooper, it keeps me sane. Linda x.

http://journals.aol.co.uk/lindaggeorge/GeorgeMansions/

dwhee70041 said...

Kim, Hang in there my friend.  My MIL's pain only lasted for 2 short days.  We're all standing by your side.  David

chevyz71gurl74 said...

Kim, I can't say that i wouldn't feel the same....
but please know you have all of us who care for you..and
are always here for you....and are always willing to read your thoughts, feelings and vents through this journey....You are never alone...cry all you want....we may even cry with you!
Love N Hugss..~Terri~

ajquinn354 said...

Kim, hang in there dear, say whatever you want word wise, we'll all understand.  You've been through a lot and have earned that right to say what you want.  We'll al understand and be here for you.  Hey won't be too long before you will have your huggable side back in use.  The important thing over everything including the pain is that you are doing well......Arlene (AJ)

gandsbrock said...

Oweee!  I hate the pain side of it too!  You start this thing as healthy as a horse, then they start poking and digging at you, making you feel more and more miserable as the treatments escalate.  I'm sorry the porta cath hurts.  I hear it's really a good thing to have, so I hope it settles in.  Especially before the chemo starts.  Tuesday seems too close.  Hugs to you!

midwestvintage said...

 That just totally sucks that it is so painful for you.  The bad thing about nursing sometimes is the followup.  Patients go home and we don't know how much t hurt,

                    Julie

tendernoggle said...

((((((((((((Hey......here is a hug that won't hurt too bad!!!!!))))))))))

Cuss if you want to, or call me and I will cuss for ya!!! lol
Take those pain pills ahead of time...And try to hang on for a little bit longer ....
God bless you,
love ya,
Carlene

siennastarr said...

Aww, honey.. you have every right to be frustrated, and to cry!  Doesn't matter why the tears come, or when they come.. sometimes it just feels good to cry.  As brave as your are, you still have feelings and you have to let them out someway.  Tears are good!  It's not like you spend all your time whining, moaning and groaning, Kim.  Give yourself a break, will you?? :)
I know that porta cath hurts.  I never had to have one, but several of my Chemo buddies did.  They too said that he pain passed, and they got used to having it.  Thank God for Vicodin and understanding husbands, eh?

I will be thinking of you on Tuesday... that's the big day.  You will do fine, just make sure you take your antinausea meds, and let people wait on you hand and foot.  You deserve it!

Gentle hugs
Jackie
http://journals.aol.com/siennastarr/Hopefloats/


inafrnz247 said...

You have every right to feel every emotion that you are feeling.  You are so strong, going through this with your head held high, ready for the fight.  Yet, you will also feel the heaviness of the weight on your heart and you are right to allow those feelings to be felt and expressed.  Hugs to you, Kim... you're in my prayers!
Michelle

sdoscher458 said...

(((Kim))) Use all the words you need to dear.  Sometimes tears do help, even though no one can feel what you are going through we can understand.  I pray the pain subsides for you and that you breeze through chemo...You have been a rock, very strong..let your family surround you with love and heal my friend. love, Sandi

plieck30 said...

Thinking about you and wishing you the best always. Paula

rebuketheworld said...

h

xomywayox said...

I don't think there is one thing I can say to comfort you at the moment. I wish I could, oh how I do. You've had a really good handle on all of this. And the Y me tears, maybe they aren't such a bad idea after all. It will all get better soon, pumpkin.

Butterflies, Bunnies, & Balloons....Brenda

sangrialel said...

 (((((((((((KIM))))))))  I hope you start feeling better soon!!!  Linda

psychfun said...

I'm sorry you are hurting & hope it quickly goes away.

jmorancoyle said...

Feel better soon. There's a whole bunch of us that would send you cyberhugs if we could. Or how about a psychic hug (not to be confused with psychoatic) (did I spell that right?) Okay, so here goes, ((((((((( hugs from very far away, (or maybe from not so far away) ))))))). Whatever you do, get better. That's more important than anything.
Jude
http://journals.aol.com/jmorancoyle/MyWay

lindapaterson177 said...

Hi Kim ...sending you e mail hugs that won`t hurt you and I hope that your pain for the porta eases soon. take care love bella xxx

chat2missie said...

h

mmartinez07 said...

h

thisismis72 said...

sending you my warmest wishes, I know you will make it thru this, I just hope it is all over soon.  You deserve a good cry every now and again.  I always feel better after a good one.  Hope you do too.

Missy

reconcilinglife said...

h

pprrrr39 said...

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kim ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

hugs
Jayne

am4039 said...

h

shayshaydc said...

Sorry you are in pain......... hopefully it won't last for long..... everyone deserves one or even 2 pity parties!!!! Next time invite me and I'll bring the balloons and party hats and we'll try and turn it around to a slumber party!!! LOL... hope you are feeling better now!!! http://journals.aol.com/shayshaydc/Golfaholic
Sharon:)