Accepting the fact that I have Breast Cancer and had to have a Mastectomy was sooooo much easier than accepting the fact that I have to have chemo........how weird is that?? lol Some where late afternoon yesterday, after I finally ventured out into the sunlight since the placement of my porta-cath on Thursday, I finally accepted the fact that I had to have Chemo to up my odds of beating breast cancer.......it's a good thing that happened, since I will be having my first Chemo treatment around 1:00 o'clock this afternoon.....So begins the second phase of my battle with Breast Cancer.
I should be finished with it before Christmas and will be able to start the New Year, literally with a new lease on life.....funny how I have heard that expression all of my life but now I know it's true meaning.
I haven't yet blogged about how this is affecting my children....even thinking about it makes me an emotional wreck...so here goes......
Our Oldest Daughter, Melissa (the 23 year old Newlywed) handles a crisis like me, wants to know everything, then wants to know what to do about it....deal with it now, fall apart later. She has been a rock.....and I love her dearly!
Our Middle Daughter, Amanda (The 20 year old also living out on her own now) has had a rough time dealing with my Cancer at all, it was so difficult for her in the beginning that she actually pulled away from me. She confided and cried to my Mother, I had to let each of my children deal with this in the best, safest way for themselves, so even though I needed her, she needed to distance herself from me for awhile. She said just seeing me hurt her....so I love her enough to let her grieve and when she was done she came around and brightened up my days.
Our youngest Daughter Rachel, (15 years old) has built a wall around her, I have offered her and my younger Son Jimmy counseling if they want or need it. They both refused, Both have a hard time opening up to adult figures.....(it's the teenage thing to do) Rachel has told a few close friends that I have Cancer but does not want to discuss it any further. Rachel has been seen by a Psychiatrist since the 3rd grade since being diagnosed with ADD/ADHD who monitors her medicine and her school progress. Yesterday was the first time seeing her Doctor (since my diagnosis) and he fears that when this wall she has built up cracks, she will be in for a very hard landing. Knowing my child so well, we have already prepared for that. She needs to escape the "large elephant in the room" from time to time and finds sanctuary in her Poetry, song writing and my Sisters house.
Our Youngest Child Jimmy, (14 years old) Who is also under the Psychiatrists care for ADD/ADHD, finally felt and dealt with my cancer yesterday. He said while in Spanish class that he got a little overwhelmed with it and found himself unable to concentrate for the remainder of the day.... he knew Chemo was starting today. Before school even started I went to the guidance offices to let them know that life is not like it used to be and that I knew they would have days like these and that they needed a private, quiet place to regain their composure. For the first time I was asked to leave the Doctor session and let the Doctor talk to them without me. He needed to see them drop their brave faces around Mom....Jimmy almost lost it in the room, but Rachel stepped in and answered the Doctor's questions on how "They" are handling it.
Then it was my turn to talk to the Doctor with them excused from the room...he told me why he asked me to leave and with just the mention of how my Cancer is affecting my kids, the onslaught of hot salty tears once again, slid down my face. I'm a pretty tough Broad, but when it comes to my kids I'm a cry baby.....I spent their whole life protecting them from things that "hurt" but I can't protect them from the hurt my Cancer is causing them.....just let that sink in for a minute and you will feel just a small amount of my anguish.
So this is were my head is at today....still affected from the sadness yesterday but more determined today to do battle royale with the help of my Great Doctors, My loving Husband and my supportive Family, the best circle of friends a girl can have and my J-Land friends!
Cancer? Do you really think you can kick my ass??? You better think again!