Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Where my head is at today 9.26.06

Accepting the fact that I have Breast Cancer and had to have a Mastectomy was sooooo much easier than accepting the fact that I have to have chemo........how weird is that?? lol Some where late afternoon yesterday, after I finally ventured out into the sunlight since the placement of my porta-cath on Thursday, I finally accepted the fact that I had to have Chemo to up my odds of beating breast cancer.......it's a good thing that happened, since I will be having my first Chemo treatment around 1:00 o'clock this afternoon.....So begins the second phase of my battle with Breast Cancer.


I should be finished with it before Christmas and will be able to start the New Year, literally with a new lease on life.....funny how I have heard that expression all of my life but now I know it's true meaning.


I haven't yet blogged about how this is affecting my children....even thinking about it makes me an emotional wreck...so here goes......


Our Oldest Daughter, Melissa (the 23 year old Newlywed) handles a crisis like me, wants to know everything, then wants to know what to do about it....deal with it now, fall apart later. She has been a rock.....and I love her dearly!


Our Middle Daughter, Amanda (The 20 year old also living out on her own now) has had a rough time dealing with my Cancer at all, it was so difficult for her in the beginning that she actually pulled away from me. She confided and cried to my Mother, I had to let each of my children deal with this in the best, safest way for themselves, so even though I needed her, she needed to distance herself from me for awhile. She said just seeing me hurt her....so I love her enough to let her grieve and when she was done she came around and brightened up my days.


Our youngest Daughter Rachel, (15 years old) has built a wall around her, I have offered her and my younger Son Jimmy counseling if they want or need it. They both refused, Both have a hard time opening up to adult figures.....(it's the teenage thing to do) Rachel has told a few close friends that I have Cancer but does not want to discuss it any further. Rachel has been seen by a Psychiatrist since the 3rd grade since being diagnosed with ADD/ADHD who monitors her medicine and her school progress. Yesterday was the first time seeing her Doctor (since my diagnosis) and he fears that when this wall she has built up cracks, she will be in for a very hard landing. Knowing my child so well, we have already prepared for that. She needs to escape the "large elephant in the room" from time to time and finds sanctuary in her Poetry, song writing and my Sisters house.


Our Youngest Child Jimmy, (14 years old)  Who is also under the Psychiatrists care for ADD/ADHD, finally felt and dealt with my cancer yesterday. He said while in Spanish class that he got a little overwhelmed with it and found himself unable to concentrate for the remainder of the day.... he knew Chemo was starting today. Before school even started I went to the guidance offices to let them know that life is not like it used to be and that I knew they would have days like these and that they needed a private, quiet place to regain their composure. For the first time I was asked to leave the Doctor session and let the Doctor talk to them without me. He needed to see them drop their brave faces around Mom....Jimmy almost lost it in the room, but Rachel stepped in and answered the Doctor's questions on how "They" are handling it. 


Then it was my turn to talk to the Doctor with them excused from the room...he told me why he asked me to leave and with just the mention of how my Cancer is affecting my kids, the onslaught of hot salty tears once again, slid down my face. I'm a pretty tough Broad, but when it comes to my kids I'm a cry baby.....I spent their whole life protecting them from things that "hurt" but I can't protect them from the hurt my Cancer is causing them.....just let that sink in for a minute and you will feel just a small amount of my anguish.


So this is were my head is at today....still affected from the sadness yesterday but more determined today to do battle royale with the help of my Great Doctors, My loving Husband and my supportive Family, the best circle of friends a girl can have and my J-Land friends!


Cancer? Do you really think you can kick my ass??? You better think again!

33 comments:

rap4143 said...

Cancer? Do you really think you can kick my ass??? You better think again! You are an inspiration!!!! Love you!!!
Betty

pharmolo said...

Good luck with the chemo in 6½ hours time, you'll get through it. Thanks for sharing your kids' reactions, you said it wasn't easy for them - or even for yourself to discuss their reaction. Keep your spirits high - nothing kicks your ass :-D

Guido
http://journals.aol.co.uk/pharmolo/NorthernTrip

xomywayox said...

Nothing is ever easy in times like this. Hugs & Kisses during your chemo time. It will be fine, something just tells me it will.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Ya-Ya....Brenda

gosso23 said...

You have been through so much. It is so hard on the kids, they will all handle this in their own ways, but I think they will be fine.  My daughter came to my frist chemo with me, I really didn't want her to but she begged me and I let her come. Good luck with your chemo today! Did your doctor give you numbing cream for your port? It really helped me. I didn't feel a thing when she poked it.  I feel pretty good, all I had was some haziness and a headache later in the evening.  This morning I feel good, but still have a headache. I will be thinking about you today. Go kick some cancer ass! Good luck!!! Trish

jmorancoyle said...

    As always, Kim, my prayers are with you. I understand your need to protect your children although I don't understand what it is to battle cancer. I know when my husband got sick many years ago, I wanted to wrap my kids up in my arms and never let anything so hard get to them. I have two with ADD. My eldest is also ADHD. Both my boys are adults now, and they realize what living with my husband's diabetes is. When they were younger and Bill was in and out of the hospital a lot, it was frightening for them. They were 5 and 7 when Bill first got sick, and Becky was a new born. I am so proud of the way they handled this, not just because they got through their younger years, but because even now when we need their help, my boys are there for us.
    Much love and please take care today.
    And I wasn't kidding about County Cork. Another day when we don't have so much to think about, we can write each other about our family trees.
Jude
http://journals.aol.com/jmorancoyle/MyWay

imshadowraven2 said...

Its hard on everyone when the caregiver needs the care. And you my girl are THE caregiver, the protector who now needs to do what she has to do too get back in control because we all know some people and im not mentioning names HAS to have CONTROL......lol im thinking of you today my friend and i love you .

                  ~~~~Robin~~~~

my78novata said...

It sounds like you have got it all together in your head but I know your heart aches. I m glad in all this your keeping your eye out for your children. Yeah I guess the mastectomy you figure well........... thats done but chemo your sick for days and days and days. and it seems never ending. and does sso much to your body

midwestvintage said...

 I hope you get through your chemo without any problems.  They have such good drugs these days to make getting through it easier.   I was reading in a health magazine that yoga breathing made getting through cancer treatment easier and we have had quite a few patients do it.  I meditate daily and it really helps calm and relax me.  Maybe it would help.  Good luck and take it easy.

                     Julie

lindaggeorge said...

Good luck x.

Linda.

pippa1116 said...

I hope it goes as well as possible.  you are in my thoughts and prayers
tina

mzgoochi said...

Cameron was young (7 or 8) when I was diagnosed and even though he had a lot of questions, he seemed ok until after my mastectomy. Then he was ashamed of me being his Mom. He didn't want me going anywhere public with him and had even told teachers and kids at school that his Mom had died. I don't think anything in the world could have hurt me more than that did and I thank God for the counselor that got us through it.

When I was taking chemo. Black pepper or anything spicy was my worst enemy.

Love you and always thinking of you Kim.

Lahoma

dornbrau said...

The greatest wonder on the Earth has got to be children.  Some people waste the gift that they bring into the world, some people don't recognize it for what it is.  And others, like yourself and I, know how truly blessed we are to have our children.  It is love that will clear their confusion.  Until then, through the foggy doubts and fears, they know they can always count on your love to light their way if they need a hand.  They are learning to cope, and are testing their limits, but even in their helplessness I sense the strength that they have inherited from a loving family.  I don't know who is luckier, you to have them or them to have you.  

dwhee70041 said...

Kim,
You are a wonderful mother and wife.  Now it's time to kick the cancer in the butt!  Go for it!!!  David

tendernoggle said...

YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I HAVE ALL CONFIDENCE THAT GOD IS WITH YOU AND THE TWO OF YOU WILL BEAT THIS TOGETHER!
THAT WAS A GOOD THING THAT YOUR DOCTOR DID FOR YOU. I AM AMAZED THAT YOU HAVE THE MIND TO HANDLE ALL THAT YOU HAVE HANDLED CONCERNING YOUR KIDS WHEN YOU HAVE THIS ON YOUR MIND...I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT PROTECTING THEM ALL THEIR LIVES. YOU HAVE DONE A GOOD JOB RAISING THEM, AND THEY TOO WILL BE YOUR ROCK WHEN YOU NEED ONE.
IT IS NOW 1:43 EDT SO I GUESS YOU ARE EITHER THROUGH WITH THE CHEMO OR IN THE MIST OF IT ..SO I AM GOING TO STOP RIGHT NOW AND PRAY FOR YOU HON.................and Amen....

GOD BLESS YOU,
LOVE IN CHRIST,
CARLENE

chat2missie said...

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sdoscher458 said...

Keeping good thoughts for you in my head today.  Kids are amazing, aren't they? My teen daughter was totally ahgast at my last pregnancy at age 40...wouldn't acknowledge that I was her mother out in public! How dare I have sex at my age! It's something that I tease her about now that she is fast approaching that age. I pray that all this passes you quickly and you can only remember the love that was surrounding you at all times....love, Sandi

reconcilinglife said...

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schoolgal040 said...

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blueblueandblew said...

Kim my thoughts are with you today.
Well not just today, but especially.
Delaine

ajquinn354 said...

Kim you are in my special thoughts as is all of your family.  It is hard for kids when their Mom or Dad is having health problems.  Sounds like you are getting them the right help. Hang in there it will get better as the days go.  Sounds like you have a beautiful family who love  you dearly.  You'll be a winner.  Hang in there, we're all here for you....Arlene (AJ)

lindapaterson177 said...

I hope today went well, it must be really hard for eveyone at the moment, take care ...bellaxxhttp://journals.aol.co.uk/lindapaterson177/IstartedofthislifewithnothingIst/

siennastarr said...

Oh Kim, I can relate to your feelings, and reading them made me cry.  I remember well having to go through the different reactions from my 4 kids, especially the twins, since they were the youngest (only 11 at the time).  We really had no one but each other to lean on for support, so I know it was hard for Gina and John.  They were my support, because I had no husband, and no friends.  We had just moved to a city where I knew no one, so we were on our own.  It's amazing how tough they can be when they have to be.  Like you, my desire to protect them was stronger than my own fear for my health.
They will get through this, Kim.. as hard as it might be.  You are loving and patient, and at least you have the love of a good man to be the biggest support, so it doesn't fall upon your kids.
I pray all goes well with your chemo.. thank God you only have to have it for 4 months.  I had to have it for 6!  It sucks.. but, it gets the job done!  By Christmas you will be good as new!  

Hugs
Jackie
http://journals.aol.com/siennastarr/Hopefloats/

candlejmr said...

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sangrialel said...

Hang in there Kim!  Linda

chevyz71gurl74 said...

Gosh this just brings me to tears,
You are such a strong, brave woman Kim..
So glad the Dr. talked to your children as well..
i'm sure they helped them a great deal.
Hope chemo went well today...keeping
you in my prayers always!
Keep the Faith and Keep that chin up =)
Hugss..~Terri~

nightmaremom said...

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shayshaydc said...

I know it is tough on your kids.... but kids are stronger than we realize and I know that they will be there for you and help you through this!!!! http://journals.aol.com/shayshaydc/Golfaholic
Sharon:)

thegirlnexdoor77 said...

This just broke my heart reading this...I feel so bad for the kids...and I know that the kids more than the cancer the ability to not have control over their emotions and greif...Only wanting what is best for them...I can relate to that...I can not relate to having cancer...but my MIL died of breast cancer and I do know they have come a long way!!!  I have faith that you will walk away from this a much stronger woman...you are so strong right now...I am sure that is hard to believe...But with you pushing breast cancer awareness now...and with the ability to tell the story as it is...will do wonders for people who read your blog and never give breast cancer a thought!  I want you to know you and your family are in my prayers and thoughts daily...I am pulling for you Kim...and I am so glad to have come accross your journal....Hugs!!!! TerryAnn

am4039 said...

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lazarai said...

((((Kim))))), I'm tearing up as well! I completely understand where you're coming from on this and I know you're doing all that you can do to ease their fears. Hang in there and keep doing what you're doing....

Hugs,
Carol

nelishianatl said...

You have such strong Mamma bones!  You'll kick butt because of them and for them and to role model what it's like for them to be a fighter.  Cancer doesn't have you at all.  You have it and are going to choke it out of you.  I couldn't be prouder to know you are my friend.
Nelishia
http://journals.aol.com/nelishianatl/WISHINGANDHOPING/
http://journals.aol.com/tsalagiprincess1/JumpingOffTheDeepEnd/

cneinhorn said...

you have a wonderful family....and that's the mom in you and all of us....more worried about how the kids will handle it than how we are handling it....the giver in us the nurturer.  my thoughts are with you all.  

helmswondermom said...

That was a very well-done entry.  I cried with you.  Thank you for sharing how you are handling things wit your children.  I think you are doing a good job.
Lori
http://beta.journals.aol.com/helmswondermom/DustyPages/