Manic-Depression part 4

For those that aren't sure how antidepressants effect your body, I liken it to a "Flat Line" No ups, no downs... simply a flat line. They want to stop you from feeling the terrible lows but in doing so they block the "JOY" you experience in life too. Your no longer sad...your no longer happy....your just......there.

I had grown up manic, I loved that side of my personality, when I am in my manic stage I am super woman, it is such a part of my personality, that without it I was struggling to be me. Only a few of my best friends and others knew what I was going through and they were my angels, the weeks I would disappear into myself they would call and talk to me through my answering machine,"We know your there, we just want you to know we are thinking about you and we love you!" I didn't want to leave my room, answer the phone, clean myself up, forget about hair and make up, just brushing my teeth was a struggle, I just wanted to sleep my life away. During sleep you don't have to deal with anything, no stress, no decisions, no conversation, no questions and answers just the quiet, dark place found in sleep.

Some of my other friends found this to be very difficult to deal with, they didn't know how to deal with me this way, so they just avoided me, others were shocked that Happy-go-lucky Kim suffered from depression ( I hid it well) I never left my room, let alone my house during the worse of it all, so they only knew the manic side of me, the side I had grown up with, it wasn't until my late 20's that the depressive side of the disorder showed itself full force.

Panic attacks would happen out of nowhere, the weird thing is that increases in 'Noise levels' is what would trigger them. I would be out and in a safe mood and all of a sudden the noise level would go up and I would have to leave where ever I was, to escape to the safety of my room. I left restaurants with food being ordered, I left grocery carts filled with groceries, I left school functions (kids) without a word to anybody, only the safety of being in my room brought my panic attacks to an end. My Husband was able to read my face very well now and he would know when to hand me the car keys while he would order the meal we just ordered 'to go' now and I would run to the truck and wait for him to rush me home to the safty of my room.

After a couple years of 'Talk therapy' and meds I decided I was going to stop all medication. I was so sick and tired of taking pills, so without my family or my Doctors knowledge (I don't advise this!) I stopped taking everything. No more Prozac, no more Synthroid (thyroid disease) (big NO NO found that out later) and no more Depakote. (Seizures) I seemed to have more seizures on that medicine than off of it. I went from having maybe 2 seizures a month to having multiple seizures a day. They aren't grand mal seizures, it's not epileptic in nature, they were petite mal seizures. At one time I was so drugged up, I had put my baby boy (toddler) down and just walked away from him. We were at a restaurant and Jim handed me the baby to go find a table while he took the girls to the washroom and I just put lil Jimmy down and walked away. Jim came to the table and asked where the baby was and I didn't even remember having him. Jimmy was found unharmed terrorizing other restaurant patrons, but that was it, I can't put my children in jeopardy while trying to heal myself.

I couldn't stand going through life without being able to experience all the emotions that goes along with it. I have to be able to experience 'JOY'...I had to be able to 'Function'.. I had babies and small children. I later had to start taking my thyroid medicine because that is basically the 'brain' of your whole body, it regulates so many things can even bring on depression. For more information on Thyroid disease..(click link)  .  WebMD with AOL Health - Hypothyroidism -- What Happens


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