Saturday, December 4, 2004

Manic-Depression part 4

For those that aren't sure how antidepressants effect your body, I liken it to a "Flat Line" No ups, no downs... simply a flat line. They want to stop you from feeling the terrible lows but in doing so they block the "JOY" you experience in life too. Your no longer sad...your no longer happy....your just......there.

I had grown up manic, I loved that side of my personality, when I am in my manic stage I am super woman, it is such a part of my personality, that without it I was struggling to be me. Only a few of my best friends and others knew what I was going through and they were my angels, the weeks I would disappear into myself they would call and talk to me through my answering machine,"We know your there, we just want you to know we are thinking about you and we love you!" I didn't want to leave my room, answer the phone, clean myself up, forget about hair and make up, just brushing my teeth was a struggle, I just wanted to sleep my life away. During sleep you don't have to deal with anything, no stress, no decisions, no conversation, no questions and answers just the quiet, dark place found in sleep.

Some of my other friends found this to be very difficult to deal with, they didn't know how to deal with me this way, so they just avoided me, others were shocked that Happy-go-lucky Kim suffered from depression ( I hid it well) I never left my room, let alone my house during the worse of it all, so they only knew the manic side of me, the side I had grown up with, it wasn't until my late 20's that the depressive side of the disorder showed itself full force.

Panic attacks would happen out of nowhere, the weird thing is that increases in 'Noise levels' is what would trigger them. I would be out and in a safe mood and all of a sudden the noise level would go up and I would have to leave where ever I was, to escape to the safety of my room. I left restaurants with food being ordered, I left grocery carts filled with groceries, I left school functions (kids) without a word to anybody, only the safety of being in my room brought my panic attacks to an end. My Husband was able to read my face very well now and he would know when to hand me the car keys while he would order the meal we just ordered 'to go' now and I would run to the truck and wait for him to rush me home to the safty of my room.

After a couple years of 'Talk therapy' and meds I decided I was going to stop all medication. I was so sick and tired of taking pills, so without my family or my Doctors knowledge (I don't advise this!
) I stopped taking everything. No more Prozac, no more Synthroid (thyroid disease) (big NO NO found that out later) and no more Depakote. (Seizures) I seemed to have more seizures on that medicine than off of it. I went from having maybe 2 seizures a month to having multiple seizures a day. They aren't grand mal seizures, it's not epileptic in nature, they were petite mal seizures. At one time I was so drugged up, I had put my baby boy (toddler) down and just walked away from him. We were at a restaurant and Jim handed me the baby to go find a table while he took the girls to the washroom and I just put lil Jimmy down and walked away. Jim came to the table and asked where the baby was and I didn't even remember having him. Jimmy was found unharmed terrorizing other restaurant patrons, but that was it, I can't put my children in jeopardy while trying to heal myself.

I couldn't stand going through life without being able to experience all the emotions that goes along with it. I have to be able to experience 'JOY'...I had to be able to 'Function'.. I had babies and small children. I later had to start taking my thyroid medicine because that is basically the 'brain' of your whole body, it regulates so many things can even bring on depression. For more information on Thyroid disease..(click link)  . 
WebMD with AOL Health - Hypothyroidism -- What Happens


continued

8 comments:

maidothemist said...

"I liken it to a "Flat Line" No ups, no downs... simply a flat line"..gladly- I dont find this to be the fact with me. THANK GOODNESS. ~ Sue

kimbellina1957 said...

THATS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME ON TWO DIFFERENT ANTIDEPRESSANTS THAT I HAD TO TAKE IN MY TWENTIES. I DIDNT FEEL SAD, MAD, GLAD, ........I DIDNT FEEL. SCARED ME!
I CANT TELL YOU HOW GLAD I AM FOR YOU THAT YOU HAD JIM THROUGH THIS KIM. I AM OFF TO GO READ WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUR THYROID IS OUT OF WHACK. AND THEN I WILL BE BACK WHEN I GET AN ALERT FOR THE NEXT PART OF THIS.
KIM.

manicpoohbear25 said...

Has your bipolar diagnosis ever been changed to that of the hypothyroidism? Three different doctors tested my thyroid. When asked why, they said it's because thyroid problems can pose as bipolar. I didn't understand so I asked for further explanation. They all told me that, often times, a person can be diagnosed bipolar, with all good intentions, when in acutuality, it's a thyroid problem. I don't know whether to feel lucky or not, that my thyroid blood work has always been within normal ranges. A friend of mine was diagnosed bipolar and I asked if a blood test had been done, first, checking her thyroid, she said yes, but that the results weren't in yet, but they went ahead and dx'd her bipolar. I told her to wait on thinking she was bp because of the possible test results. She called her doctor the following week, when the results should have been in. Sure enough, her thyroid was all kinds of messed up. The bp dx was taken from the table. She's now on thyroid meds and is fine, lol. Goes to show that dr's don't always know everything and tend to jump the gun.
Either way, I still have all of the bipolar to deal with, lol. Eh, oh well. I've learned a lot thru being bipolar.

blueshadegrl said...

I've been through a whole lot of this same stuff, even being diagnosed with OCD, depression and then bi-polar. After trying to kill myself because of the side effects of the medications I knew that medical doctors could not help me.

stewartaj1 said...

kim how did you ever find joy after stoping the anti depresents?
I have quite mine four four months i still have the manic depression but not with the energy i use to have or the wierd ness that came with it which was fun bieng off the wall .but now im always stressed are paroinoid or forgetfull never happy .
i rufuse to have friends that i can actully see in person i lve away from everyone
I have a hard time even dealing with my boyfriend id just rather be along ..exept id never want to be with out my children thank god..
im on a low aging and it is awfull the sucide thought (thankfully they are just thoughts and nothing more) but i am going nuts aging i know it will end but i hate feeling this way i would love to find out how to have a semy normal life!!
it has also screwed up my credit paying pills and keeping orginized is out of the question im not sure why!!
so if you know any self help ideas let me know if you can and maybe i could fallow thru with somthing (that would be a first)
the counseler has sugested i also might have adult adhd .but god i hope not im messed up enough as it is
well i hope your doing well i know the hell and i have a hard time with thinking it ever goes away!!

dragonspirituscg said...

I give you so much credit for being able to go into details like that knowing that total strangers are going to read it.  That needs so much courage.  God Bless to you and good luck.

proudtimmyfan said...

For those that aren't sure how antidepressants effect your body, I liken it to a "Flat Line" No ups, no downs... simply a flat line. They want to stop you from feeling the terrible lows but in doing so they block the "JOY" you experience in life too. Your no longer sad...your no longer happy....your just......there.


EXACTLY!!! Although depression really can be painful, we all need to face such pain and agony in order to reach happiness. I know meds help in some big ways, but then again we must be strong enough to try to deal with life without pills and such. I was given Paxil at one time, it made me more loopy than before. Lithium may have helped level me out some, it's been a long time ago. What really helped me was discovering I'm A.D.D. and it literally changed my life! I take Welbutrin, and it helps a lot, but the literature on it and applying it to my life is the key that unlocked me.

sunnyside46 said...

that must have been terrifying!
Marti