Friday, December 3, 2004

Depression (new diagnosis) part 3

The new year (1993) had come in without a bang for me because I was not at the point where I could celebrate, Dr. M had prescribed at first Paxil for me to no avail and then finally I was put on Prozac with the milligrams increasing to a high level, I had been in "Talk " Therapy with a wonderful woman I'll call Dr. E for a few months and I felt many burdens leave my spirit as soon as the words left my mouth.

There wasn't too much to learn from DR E because for me I was always able to answer "Why" things happened, or why I let things happen or why I did the things I did......I just needed to speak of them, say them out loud for the first time and then let them go.  I had wrote briefly about my therapy in an earlier entry so here is a small exert from how I equated that discovery back in time, back in my life and mind.

Decades  (written 9/26/04)  read whole entry here..... Decades


"My fourth decade is where I shattered.  I couldn't do it all anymore.  I knew in order for me to go forward I had to go back to my past.  I dealt with childhood issues that I thought were long taken care of. 
I liken it to a long hallway with many doors, some doors well lit, some cast in shadows.  There were a few that I just wanted to take a peek in, just to relive a great memory, and there were others where the doors were scorching hot, and they burned me as I turned the knob.  I opened all but a few.  Those were the doors that I didn't really want to know what happened, I am at peace with my choices.  The second half of that decade was ridding myself of all the drama. I walked away from everything and everybody that I felt took more than they gave to me.  It was wonderful to be free of that garbage, but I still had to deal with the guilt of sometimes putting myself before others.  Your whole childhood your taught to be nice, to accommodate everybody so no one feels left out, even though your spread so thin that you wonder if there is enough of you to go around? Its something you don't realize until its almost too late. "

I seemed to get through what I had to get through faster during therapy, I contribute that to having to not only telling my words once, but having to talk about it again (sessions) when I returned back home from each therapy session to spill my guts to my own Mother who was at my home taking care of my children, while I was keeping up with Doctor appointments and therapy sessions and even though she did not want to pressure me into telling her what I was going through, I think as a Mother she needed to know what happened to "HER BABY" So I would tell her what was discussed that day and with the same kind of unbelievable pain from whispering those same words earlier at the doctor, I would have to relive it again and most times when my husband would return from work, I would have to rehash through tears again. So it was like triple therapy sessions each day. It was during my therapy that DR E changed my diagnosis from severe depression to being manic-depression. She was able to show me how I lived most my life in a manic state......super woman....always the life of the party....able to get through any and every thing...I was now learning the depressant side to it..I was learning the small ways it had shown itself through out my earlier years but wasn't aware of it.

I remember the day my husband rushed home because of the frantic call from our 6 year old daughter, and he was beside himself because he could not console me, he could not take my pain and my tears and my guilt away. I was so afraid......I was afraid of loosing him because I went from this strong independent woman to this mess, (He still tells me I'm a mess but I'm a beautiful mess and I'm his) After lifting me up from the floor in the corner of my room and calling my Mother and my new family doctor he said to me as he held me and wiped away tear after tear of mine," I love you and I will do anything to get you well again, we will get through this....you will get through this."

Continued

7 comments:

kimbellina1957 said...

{{{{{{KIM}}}}}}}.......
YOU ARE ONE OF THE STRONGEST WOMEN THAT I "KNOW"......
I HAVE ALOT OF RESPECT FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH AND THE TENACITY TO GET IN THERE AND DIG IN TO FIND A SOLUTION FOR WHAT YOU WERE GOING THROUGH.
YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL PERSON KIM AND I AM GLAD YOU HAD THE LOVE OF YOUR HUSBAND AND FAMILY TO HELP YOU THROUGH THIS.
IT TAKES A SPECIAL KIND OF WOMAN TO ADMIT TO NOT BEING PERFECT LIKE OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS THINK WE ARE, AND YOU ARE AT THE TOP OF MY LIST FOR BEING SPECIAL IN THAT WAY. :)
KIM.

manicpoohbear25 said...

From one bipolar to another......I understand what you're going through. Or have gone through. My husband told me for 2 years after the birth of our son, that something was very wrong with me. My moods, more specifically. It angered me that he would suggest such a thing. I kept thinking, "well maybe it's HIM that needs an attitude adjustment".
But during the Holiday season 2 years ago, I was ready for a break down. I sought out the counsel of the school psychologist where I attended college. We spoke one on one a few times and then he told me what his professional opinion was. Being bipolar himself, it didn't take him long to figure out what my problem was.
He suggested that I seek out a pyschiatrist and a counselor. I did both, but ended up changing both. The counselor was great. The shrink was wacko. He cared nothing about me. Anyways, I'm with an awesome psychiatrist now, who has me on the meds I need to be on, who is there for me 24/7, who is willing to go that extra mile for me if I need her to. Heck, she's even working with me, giving me the right meds, so that if we get pregnant, I can still be okay. (Granted, 2 of my meds will have to be stopped, but the other 2 may be able to get me thru, at least half-way decently.)
Anyways, that's my story and I'm stickin' to it. Bipolar peeps aren't crazy or nuts or anything like that. We just have a few extra quirks that most peeps don't. So I wish you luck on your journey into the life of being bipolar. It sounds as if your husband is a wonderful man. ANY MAN who sticks around with a wife that is bipolar is alright in my book! LOL ((Hugs)) ~~Tawnya~~

sdoscher458 said...

I think talking about inner feelings is so important to being healed.  I'm glad that you were able to find someone to help you and that you had such a supportive husband & family. I've found that writing is another way also....it clarifies the soul..Sandi//http://journals.aol.com/sdoscher458/IJustHadToLaugh

judithheartsong said...

You are very brave. Love to you, judi

melissam6969 said...

I went through something in June of this year and I feel sorta locked in myself, It's great that you can be so open about all of this. I actually cried as I read some of this, it hits close.  Well I just stopped in to say thank you for visiting my journal, and to let you know I've been lurking around yours for awhile now:) Take care! Melissa http://journals.aol.com/melissam6969/Myeverydaylife

maidothemist said...

I wish I could express to you on how many levels this speaks to me. But I think at the same time I wouldnt need to. You already know. (((((((hugs))))))))))0 ~Sooz

aspanshrowz4u said...

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