Poker Night

Giving up the lake for winter is just as hard as I thought it was going to be, all summer long..... every weekend we always had a place to go and see family and friends, how sad our little cove at the lake looks without the campers and the lawn chairs and the gathering of people.

No more gatherings at the fire pit, no more splashes from the lake and sound of running feet and laughter from everybody's children. For now at least the trap house is open, it might be open for the winter season too for the ice fisherman and the hunters. So right now it serves as a meeting place for us grown children of summer to still mingle. 

Last night was poker night, small change. Normally it was just the men still going and sitting around smoking their smelly cigars and sipping whiskey, but the women decided to get in on some of the action last night. My pile of change grew small then recouped a couple of times while I learned the many variations of poker. I'm not much of a whiskey girl so my choice of beverage was hot apple cider and spiced rum! But I have been known to partake in the smoking of cigars! lol

As usual the men did the cooking but instead of cooking over the pit like we do all summer long, the grills came out......it looked like a tail gate party and the smell of the goose and venison shish-kA-bobs filled the air. It was still warm enough for the children to run around outside in the dark and play the last few games of summer and even everybody's beloved pets are welcomed in the trap house.

As usual everybody vowed to see each other over the upcoming long winter, but I'm still not sure if I'm going to be into sitting on a frozen lake, waiting for a fish to bite, right now I can't see the enthusiasm in that! lol Maybe I'll attempt to ice skate again like I did in my youth, but the thought of a body cast is shedding some serious doubt on that too!

The Pros and Cons of Marriage

A few good things about being married.............

Every night is a pajama party with "Pajama's being optional"

Someone else to blame when your kids are acting up

Someone always there to deflect things for you

Someone always willing to listen to all your "Remember when" stories

Someone always willing to answer all your "What if" questions

Someone better than "Rubber Ducky" at bath time

Someone always willing to "Wash your back"

Someone always ready to laugh when you laugh

Someone to share romantic dinners with even if it's '"Take-out" food and candles on the cocktail table in the Living Room

Someone to always stick your cold feet on to warm them up!

The not so good side......................

Some come with "PITA" In-laws

Someone to always ask, "What's for dinner?" UGH!!!

Someone to always answer your question with a question!

Someone who blames you when the kids act up

Someone who has never learned the art of sharing the remote control

Someone who asks "Where do you want to go for dinner" then shoots down every suggestion! lol

Someone who wants to see every "Action Movie" that comes out

Someone who contemplates committing you every time you PMS!

Someone who will never understand your need for 45 pairs of shoes and some 30 matching purses!

 

Heard it in a love song

Oh how needy can I be that I couldn't just settle for love, it had to be big love, I had to be adored! How lucky am I to have that kind of love? When I need to be left alone he senses that and leaves me to my thoughts, when I need to be comforted, he comes to me with open arms and holds me. When I need to be told I am acting like a spoiled brat, he tells me that with love and gentle teasing, when I'm being extremely difficult he shows me the bigger picture without hurting my feelings........ Our love is unconditional. How can all this still be true after all these years together?

Do we have rough patches? We sure do! We are only human, but they are so small and insignificant compared to what we have that they can't take their toll on us. We see each others faults and love each other madly, it's easy to do when you look through the eyes of love.

One thing we have always done right, was to put each other first and foremost, we put each other first, even before our children, when not to long ago that was taboo! When one looks at the divorce rate of empty nesters, one can see the error of the old ways. Back then you always put the children first, in doing so you weren't nurturing the love that brought your two hearts together in the first place, so when the kids grew up and moved away, you no longer had things in common, the things you did have in common just moved out.

Coming into this relationship with kids and then having kids of our own, we are looking forward to being alone. When we talk about our future together, it's like the anticipation to Christmas to a child!
We talk of places we want to travel to, things we want to experience with each other, simple things like redwood forests, lobster houses on the East Coast, sun sets across the lake, views of the grand canyon, dips in the ocean, watching our grown children make their way in life and the arrival of our grandbabies!

To feel the butterflies still...... after all these years!

Songs of love
Annie's Song
John Denver

You fill up my senses
Like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again

Come let me love you
Let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter
Let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you
Let me always be with you
Come let me love you
Come love me again

You fill up my senses
Like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again

Confessions from the Confessional

Things I actually did as a child..............

Jumped off of a bridge (several times with friends) can you hear your Mother now, "If your friends told you to jump off of a bridge would you do it?" Ummmmmmm......... yes! Been there done that!

I was kicked out of "Brownies" (first step of being a girl scout) in the First Grade for accidentally hitting the Brownie Leader in the face with an Ice Ball (frozen snow ball) and then after I was scolded I asked her,"Do you practice what you preach?" Now I didn't know what it meant at the time, but she was pressuring me for an answer of some sort so I shot that one out there and BAM! I was kicked out of the Brownie Program! lol I still know the Brownie song about "I have something in my pocket" lol umm could it have been an ice ball! lol lol lol

I was always the decoy for hitchhiking! lol They would put me out there with my thumb up and then when I was offered a ride 9 of my friends and I would jump out of hiding and jump into the car! Now that scares the hell outta me today! What was I thinking???

During a crack down on drug use in High School, I was photographed several times through surveillance in what was known as "Smoker's Alley" (pot) and my poor Mother had to go in and view the picture's on a Saturday morning along with tons of other parents and then I finally had the chance to view them in my guidance councilor's office and he then told me that the cops wanted him to tell me that I was very photogenic! Greeaaaaat huh?!?!?....... NOT!!!!!! (because we all were minors we got off with just a slap on the wrist, Saturday school and a warning of "Next time you will have a record!" There was also a picture of me mooning the surveillance van! OOOOPS my bad! lol

Do you see why I ADORE my Mother so much now? She never gave up on me and these are but a FEW things that I put her through! lol I would of killed me a long time ago! lol Ok, I'm leaving the confessional now, be back with more later........maybe! lol

Then and Now

In growing up I watched my Mother struggle, always trying her best to raise her three teenagers on her own after my Father left home and who later died when I was 16. She was born an only child to parents in their 40's and both parents had passed on leaving her alone, without a safety net.

So many of the things I have learned in life were simply learned by silently watching my Mother, I saw her grace and her strength and I saw how she only relied on herself. If one learns to rely on oneself, they will never be disappointed. Disappointment comes only after someone else has let you down.

I have learned in only relying on myself, I don't trust other's so readily. The only ones that I trust completely are my Mother and My Husband. Even growing up with my siblings, we didn't learn how to comfort each other as children, so it's almost impossible now as adults.

Most of my childhood was spent on learning to become invisible to escape the wrath of my alcoholic Father. I can't comprehend why I loved him so much but still held him accountable for the things he was not-so-wonderful about. I guess that's a good thing though, because that means I must have forgiven him and let go of the things I needed to let go of.

I know much of the self punishment I inflicted on myself was due to the fact that I didn't properly handle my fathers death, but then again how does a 16 year old girl cope with death, when she wasn't exposed to it until it was her father, lying there in the casket, I just went comfortably numb and stayed that way for a very long time. The only time I surfaced inside myself was to check and see if I still had a pulse.

I was angry, but fought only with myself, deep inside myself. For years of suppressing my grief, I almost forgot how to feel again. I hurt anybody that tried to get near me, I pushed away family, I pushed away me. I did things that I am only coming to grips with now and I'm 41. Now as I look back I see why I did the things I did, and that stopped the cycle. I still haven't made every connection, but I'm willing to try to see them now, some of it probably will never make sense to me, but I can stand outside myself and watch the reruns of my life go past me and say, "Oh! Now I understand!" If you understand why you did the things you did, you are in much more control of stopping yourself from doing them again and again.

I wasn't a bad child, just willful. I disappointed my Mother a lot, I disappointed myself a lot! I pushed things down so deep and thought I'd deal with all another day. Much of it I stored away as something that I thought didn't hurt or affect me until I hit my 30's, I couldn't hold it all in or hold it all back anymore and it all came bubbling to the surface and almost drowned me.

Things that I thought I escaped in my youth came back with a vengeance and all the hurt and denial spewed forward and cut me all over again, I felt everything I didn't allow myself to feel when I was younger. I guess in my 30's.... my psyche was able to handle things my younger mind had to block out.

I often wonder how I made it through all that I have and have some sort of semblance of normalcy in my life now. I feel blessed to finally be free from my painful youth, even though it still creeps up on me when I least expect it, something will trigger something deep inside of me and either I can travel back to what it was and deal with it or I can comfortably leave it alone.

I am no longer comfortably numb........I feel life again and I'm celebrating it!

AH HAH Moments

Funny how you remember every mean thing ever spoken to you and every profound thing too. I would like to share a few profound words spoken to me in my life, those were words that didn't need an explanation, those were more "AH HAH!" moments.

My parents were divorced before my Fathers death but still very much in love with each other. In fact, they were discussing getting back together after 3 years of being divorced when he died at the early age of 41. Since they were divorced and he was buried in a Catholic Cemetery and my mother isn't catholic I wanted to move my father's remains to a place where they could be buried side by side, My sister agreed with wanting this too, so I brought it up to my Mother during a discussion on living wills, funeral arrangements, etc., My mother turned to me and said, " Your father and I are soulmate's, therefor it doesn't really matter where we are buried because we will always find our way back to one another" That was an "AH HAH" moment for me.

When I was newly married to my husband he saw that I was unhappy about having to make sacrifices for the good of our family and when I was feeling a little bit selfish (Oops My Bad! lol) he said to me, " If I could give you the sun and the moon and the stars I would, but right now all I have is "me" to give to you and I hope that "I" will always be enough for you" (And he has)....that was a "AH HAH" moment for me.

When my youngest, my Son who was only 3 and a half, looked up into the sky after a very bad storm and the sunlight was breaking through the clouds in streaks he said, "Look Mommy! That is was GOD looks like! Do you see HIM Mommy? Doyou?" That was an "AH HAH" moment for me.

With most women loving the child shortly after conception, I always asked my husband when he fell in love with each of the children which is/was usually more tangible, like when he held them for the first time and after literally just giving birth to my last child, I asked my husband when was the exact moment he fell in love with this child and he said, "When I saw the look in your eyes (mine) right after they told you that you finally had a son" was a "AH HAH" moment for me.

Everytime my youngest daughter sings in public, I have an "AH HAH" moment, that voice..... and that soul...... that child was given..... Everyone that hears her sings, knows that is what she was placed here on earth to do, for everyone that hears her as an "AH HAH" moment!

These are but a few "AH HAH!" moments in my life......I have had many more and I hope to have many more to come, and when I do I'll write about them too!

Isn't it Ironic

Isn't it Ironic......................

 

That when your the driver of a car, you feel that you have the right of way but when your the pedestrian you also feel you still have the right of way?

That when your pushing a shopping cart you are much more polite to the cart traffic around you then you would be to a fellow driver unless someone leaves their cart in the middle of the aisle, then you have no problem grabbing their cart and moving it yourself, but it's not something you think of doing when a car is double parked and blocking your route?

That you buy garbage bags specifically to throw them out?

That you put bread in a toaster to make it hard and dry but you throw out bread that has become stale? (hard and dry)

Your own messy house with dust bunnies isn't nearly as offensive as your neighbors?

That your Parent's pet peeves become your own pet peeves the older you get?

That when your in a hurry you speed down your own street but give the "Evil Eye" to everybody else that does?

You get shocked when you see someone from your past who has "Let themself go" and then realize so have you?

I think this list can go on and on, but I, myself am done with all this deep thinking, (lol) I'm getting a headache! lol