Hiya!...long time no keyboard! lol

I think might be the longest I've ever stayed away from my blog! I'm still trying to adjust to my new chemo, not as harsh as the A,C and T that they give you when you are first diagnosed with breast cancer but not as easy as the Xeloda. The first week they gave me back to back treatments to get a jump start..that was a Monday, I didn't wake up till Thursday......seriously! Whenever I woke up it was day light but I didn't know if it was A.M. or P.M. I lost 7 pounds in my sleep even though Jim tried everything to get me to eat including calling in the reinforcements! lol Mom, Sister, Brother....2nd chemo was only 1 dose.......not so much a coma that week....still tasted buds are M.I.A :( 3rd week just blood work but they already had to reduce my chemo....blood count dropped enough to warrant it. So I'm hoping by the this time next week I'm settled into a routine with the new chemo/sleep....I still lose my words (very frustrating), I still lose my voice after each chemo session....So just when I start to have some really good days ( bad days aren't bad at all...not sick just sleepy...how hard is that right?? lol lol lol) ..... its chemo time again! lol Other than that we just did tumor marker tests yesterday and I won't know the results of those until next Monday... So once again I throw my faith, trust and hope into a new batch of chemo and hope 3rd time is the charm!

I'm going to be going up north soon and I can't wait!.....Bald Eagles, Northern Lights, friends we only get to see once a year and I hope by then I will regained enough of my strength that I carelessly gave away. It's weird, I've never gone that long without almost proper (I'm bad) nourishment and how fast it attacks the body and the mind...everything gets weak on you, your muscles, your eyesight, your mind plays tricks on you....so many times I thought I heard things I didn't, seen things that weren't there! Some of it was pretty funny but it had Jim worried enough that he took off last Friday because he thought he was going to have to hospitalize me for dehydration and maybe a feeding tube. I'm not going to let myself do that again....fridge is stocked with ensure, boost, carnation instant breakfast and moose tracks ice cream! lol.....vanilla of course!

Well, I'm going to try and catch up on journals....I turned a majority of them off when I was in Kentucky last month so I wouldn't be overwhelmed when I got back and I haven't been on the computer since right before my 1 year anniversary with cancer.......July 27, 2006....I thought I would have a hard time with that, but I didn't, just another day.......besides I have something better to spend my thoughts in.......my wedding anniversary is tomorrow and I have way more than a year to go through and realize all that I have been blessed with.....starting with the Man I married......My Jim....blessed indeed!

I have also been very fortunate to have the best insurance which covers my whole treatment....which leaves me with a trail and error of prescriptions...half used.....so many people could use this medicine....does anyone know a program that will take my old meds and give them to those less fortunate (which means FREE) I know my girlfriend was able to do that with her shots while trying to get pregnant....once she was pregnant they gave those shots to couples who didn't have the best of insurance or who's insurance didn't cover trying to get pregnant at all.....any info would be helpful!

Love,

K.

Where my head is at today 7-24-07

So I show up at the hospital Saturday afternoon, they told me to completely medicate myself up myself up since I am going to be flat on my back which what causing me the most pain anyway.....they say take two Norco and to bring my liquid morphine......so I am comfortable, do I bring it? NOOOO! I forget it all at the lake...they wanted to know if I wanted to send someone to get it or have the Doctor order a new little prescription, nope lets just cowgirl up and get this over with.........well with being on the table for an hour and 15 minutes, I needed to be lifted off the table......my sciatica was killing me!

The spine came back with signs of cancer but Dr. Serious felt that treating all the cancer this time instead of just the spine would be the most beneficial so it was on to the new chemo...1 st week I receive both chemo's

Gemzar.com for Patients and Caregivers – Information About Treatment with GEMZAR for Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer, Pancreatic C... and CARBOPLATIN - INJECTION (Paraplatin) side effects, medical uses, and drug interactions.

 3rd week no drugs which works out great I won't have to worry about skipping vacation up north for a lil fishing which is a tradition we have been doing for years so I am very happy about that...so I have 1 week on one drug, second week on the second drug then I'm off the third week....hoping fanatically this one works! And waiting to see what side effects I get to enjoy with this one and how long they will last for, so far just a ton of confusion.

I want to send out my heartfelt feelings to you all for everytime I just need to vent or open my soul you lift my spirits so high and carry me, you make me feel that my time here on earth is not over yet, that I have things still left to accomplish and people left to inspire, what a gift to me you are all and I feel every hug, every good wish every prayer and it makes my soul soar so high to help the next person who needs that extra lift that I need from time to time and I love you all dearly for it.....I hope that there is at least one time that I was able to carry your troubled heart and make something a lil better for you...this world is a better place for those who sometimes walk besides us!

Love,

Kimberleigh

Sick of that other shoe always dropping! Grrrrr!

Then it seems the 'other shoe' has to drop! Grrrrr! Even though the news was good on the brain MRI (NED ) the cancer marker tests came up sky high, I have new visible tumor on the outside of my new( left boob) and I have an emergency MRI of my spine in an hour to see if there is something growing or deteriorating from there. It seems I take one step forward and get knocked FOUR steps back!!!!!

So I'm off the Xeloda now that too has stopped working for me, how can I still be producing cancer even though I have been on this chemo for 2+ months..........that's 2 chemo's that seemed to have failed me after a lil while of working for me. Even Dr. Serious is concerned with how aggressive this cancer is.

There are many stages that go along with "dealing" with  cancer  ..........  shock, denial, fear, lot of what if's, then you settle into routine, you show up when the doctor tells you to, take each and every test hoping for the " Best" results.....you show back up again hoping the news will go in your favor and either go  and celebrate (briefly) or move on to the next test, or next treatment........the whole time wondering which of the 2 categories you will luckily fall into.........the survivors? or the non-survivors.......in the beginning I thought and believed what the Doctors statistics were telling me "You can beat this!!!" Now I am not so sure....it seems no matter how I beat it down it comes back faster, with more vengeance and a you are going down attitude, luckily I have been just as strong, just as tuff but now other answers are starting to invade my head.....scenarios that know one wants to hear play out........I am already at peace with either outcome.....even though others' are not ready to hear it.....Me I keep thinking who will go through my house when I'm gone to help Jim and what will they find and how horrified will I be even on the other side???? lol lol lol

A million dirty dishes under the teenagers's Beds?? Jimmy Hoffa himself in the attic or crawl space? What of my personal belongings? I am a Jewelry girl....I have numerous Wedding rings ( same guy folks ) so called me spoiled!!! just how many fishing poles or shot guns, tree stands and tackle boxes does one man need anyway???? I rest my case for everyone woman out there! each Daughter of mine have a piece of Mom to walk down the aisle with if I'm personally not there to attend....Even my Son will have one if he chooses to marry his wife with one of my rings, I've already told them make pendants out of them and there is your something "old" I am so glad that at least I have seen one get wed and the two older ones graduate High School.There really a lot of details to over when you look at the finished picture.

I know you are used to me attacking cancer and giving a good fight but at sometime I might have a different path to face and I need you to remember not every pink warrior wins the  battle and that some they will loose the war....like our Dear Pamela.

So this is where I stand today.....back on steroids, off of Xeloda, waiting to find out if I am starting spine radiation on Monday or a new chemo regiment...But as usual I will show up in my Pink Warrior mode and continue with my destiny........OOOO RAHHHHH!

Now for a shout hout out to the every day heroes, the every day warriors and the people that put their lives on the line every day voluntarily......They do it for the RED, WHITE AND BLUE....... for ME and for YOU!!!!! OUR SOLDIERS!!! You are the true warrrioros, the true everyday heros!

Stay strong and stay safe until you come home! God Bless you too!

Meet N.E.D. Ü

I want you to meet NED, he's my new best friend, I was introduced to him earlier this afternoon.....He stands for No Evidence of Disease.....whick means that there isn't anymore cancer taking up residence in my brain! Oh happy day, oh happy day.........I'll post more as the test results come in! Now I am still working on the lungs and that small spot of my left boob, spine nd liver.

And where it stops nobody knows.......

Ok, Friday afternoon yes I know, I purposely picked Friday the 13th and had my newest brain MRI and  then today they will be doing  a new Cancer Tumor Marker test along with my cbc's and other stuff and then next Friday I meet with Dr. Serious ad Dr. Nuke and we go over the latest info.

I will bring him up to speed on my strength, endurance all around yucky feeling and living on maybe 350 calories a day....I know....not good! but if something doesn't appeal to me I can't eat it. I can't tell you how many things Jim has prepared for me or ran out and bought for me to only take one bite out of it and say"YUK!".....well I am still calling this "My Extreme Cancer Make Over" NOTHING aappeals to this  last round of chemo......... Good for my ass but bad for the rest of my body. They say that the possible long term side effects from the whole head radiation could be a change in personality.....Hmmmm maybe My Momma will her good lil Irish Cathoilic girl always wanted??? Only time will tell! lol lol lol

We got back from Kentucky where all of My Jim's family lives, late Tuesday night and I slept my sleepy butt dead for almost 2 days.....maybe a road trip wasn't exactly what the Doctor ordered talk about saddle sore but I needed to see Jim's family and they needed to see me and it was Jimy's Brother Allen who broke the code as to the changes that have taken place with me since I got sick....I  got quiet as a church mouse.........so un -like me! I'm more like a loud vegas act that borders a lil on the raunchy side of the strip! lol lol lol
I only went out to the lake once this weekend, spent most of today  sleeping the day away......it's becoming a love/hate relationship with my bed. My Jims are at Nascar Race....both in total heaven for sure........I don't get it myself if I'm going to go round and round it's gonna be at a mall! lol Now that kind of lapping I totaly understand! lol

 

side note AJ from SC, Arlene......So many times I have tried to write you an email but you don't have it where your accepting my email adress. Can you change that so I can email your back from time to time?

Thanks Kim

I'm back from my road trip and I am weary, but I am still glad I went! lol My In-Laws took the news hard, even though I had good news to go along with it, my Brother-In Law is having a harder time accepting the changes in my personality, He told Jim that he is not used to me being still, being quiet...that he misses my bubbly personality and my chatty Kathy personality...to me it didn't seem that I had changed that much but I guess I have because I have heard that before about how quiet I've become.

When I see Dr. Serious next week I am going to ask him if there is anything that I can be given to perk me up, I'm tired of sleeping most of my days away....I would like a lil more energy during the day to meet friends and family. I didn't take hardly any pics due to the fact of fatigue.........the day of their reunion I came home and the slept for 24 hours straight! That scared the hell out of My Jim, every couple of hours "Are you OK?" "Are you OK?"............I will be if ya let me sleep! lol

If I have any picture worthy photographs I will post them soon....it's nap time again! lol lol lol

ROAD TRIP!!!!!

Yeah, Yeah....isn't Grandma Annie just precious! That woman has cracked a few hard plastic hairbrushes over my head in her day! lol well deserved I'm sure but still....... OUCH! She likes to tell the story about when I was about 4 years old we just moved to Illinois From a Texas Military base and she was trying to get me to sit still so she could brush my hair.... I told her

OWWW! Your hurting my pretty hair and she said down the end of her nose..........you don't have pretty hair! Ya that came out on therapy! lol lol lol lol Now with me losing my hair twice in 8 months that story makers her cry.........all is forgiven dear one... all is forgiven! She is where I get my fight from her and My Mother.....Both strong, strong women!

Ok, now for the real reason I'm doing an entry.........

ROAD TRIP!!!!!!!!
I am heading South to the In-Laws...it's that time of year for the family reunion and we have yet to still tell Ruth and James that I'm still sick. We have our own reasons from keeping this from them until now because the last time they kept burying me until they saw with their own eyes that even though I still have cancer and it has done the unthinkable (spread) So we wanted to tell them face to face so they can see I am still in my battle mode. I also feel this has given them 6 months of peaceful grace instead of worrying every time the phone rang, or the doorbell rang....I will leave her to tell the rest of the family at the reunion. I can't even remember if we made it last years reunion, it was right after Melissa and Tony's wedding and right around my diagnostic breast mammo and ultra sound.

It is so WEIRD to know you have a memory issue......pick one I got many to choose from.....is it from the tumor on my brain?Is it from all the chemo? is it just because I was a real blonde before....now I'm just a hairless cat! Is it from the radiation treatments? is it from the morphine? the Norco? So when I come up blank....I just file that under "CHIT! Oh well!" lol again if I knew back then (High School) what I know now I wouldn't have intentionally sacrificed soooo many brain cells......Who Knew??? Lmaoooo

See ya when I see ya and yes I'm bringing the camera....Jim is so worried that a bootlegger is gonna take me out or worse I'll stumble across a Met lab..........could be trouble! I don't think he's gonna leave me to my own free will for a long time!