Ok, I went to the boards for my daily dose of inspiration and got nothing.....So I'm gonna have to dig deep and share a random thought or time in my life.....Here goes...................
I had a wonderful and not so wonderful childhood, I was constantly caught in between two separate lives, the wonderful life when alcohol wasn't involved and the not so wonderful life when alcohol was involved. My father started drinking heavily while he was stationed over seas, away from his family while serving his country in the Air Force. I come from a huge military family from which I am very proud of, even my Mother served in the Military, that is where she met, fell in love with and married her soul mate.
The problem was the soul mate fell under the spell of another vice called booze. When he was sober, which he could do a few days a week, he was my hero! He was someone I would watch Saturday cartoons with, sit in the back yard with on the picnic table and eat tons of White Castle cheeseburgers, extra pickle. He was the kind of man that would come home, grab my mother and dance across the house to music only their two hearts could hear. I was Daddy's lil girl, the baby in the family, the child he didn't get to meet or hold until I was almost a year old. (military base over seas) I was the Oops baby, they already had the 1 boy-1 girl thingy going on and then the Oops......I came just 12 months after my Sister, 4 years after my Brother Oh but I was loved!
Now for the flip side of my childhood, most days of my childhood were in fear, was Daddy coming home happy drunk or mean drunk? Usually a late night phone call from the bar (across the street) to tell my Mother he was on the way home would be the determining factor.......If he was happy drunk we were allowed to stay up and spend time with him (most nights he didn't come home until after bedtime) If he called and was mean drunk, my mother would tuck us into bed and tell us sweet dreams and to stay in bed. ( little ears hear everything) She would always be the sacrificial lamb. She would take the brunt of his tirades, his sometimes physical abuse, his ugly slurred words and his blame. She loved this man deeply and knew the sober man, living deep inside him loved her just as intensely.
So, how does one person live their life in between two seperate childhoods that formed who she is and what she stands for today? I'm still learning as I go. I do know what I will put up with in life and what I won't tolerate...As a child I had no choice... I had no voice.... but as a strong woman I have choices and oh vey! what a voice! I find myself championing the under dogs in almost every situation, I always speak what's on my mind even when I'm sure I should remain mute at times and I take no "chit" from anybody but acknowledge and take responsibilities of my own short comings. If someone has something negative to say about me, I actual think it over and if I agree, I'll acknowledge it...If its something I can NOT agree with, I will acknowledge that too and speak my mind. (again) lol
My unknown path into the future will always be based on the path I just came from, knowing this has brought me tremendous peace in my adult life! I now know why I think the way I do and what I will base all future reactions on life and in life on!
Yes, I know me and I'm ok with me Ü