Thursday, August 26, 2004

A rough start

Ok, I went to the boards for my daily dose of inspiration and got nothing.....So I'm gonna have to dig deep and share a random thought or time in my life.....Here goes...................


I had a wonderful and not so wonderful childhood, I was constantly caught in between two separate lives, the wonderful life when alcohol wasn't involved and the not so wonderful life when alcohol was involved.  My father started drinking heavily while he was stationed over seas, away from his family while serving his country in the Air Force.  I come from a huge military family from which I am very proud of, even my Mother served in the Military, that is where she met, fell in love with and married her soul mate.


The problem was the soul mate fell under the spell of  another vice called booze.  When he was sober, which he could do a few days a week, he was my hero!  He was someone I would watch Saturday cartoons with,  sit in the back yard with on the picnic table and eat tons of White Castle cheeseburgers, extra pickle. He was the kind of man that would come home, grab my mother and dance across the house to music only their two hearts could hear. I was Daddy's lil girl, the baby in the family, the child he didn't get to meet or hold until I was almost a year old. (military base over seas) I was the Oops baby, they already had the 1 boy-1 girl thingy going on and then the Oops......I came just 12 months after my Sister, 4 years after my Brother Oh but I was loved!


Now for the flip side of my childhood, most days of my childhood were in fear, was Daddy coming home happy drunk or mean drunk? Usually a late night phone call from the bar (across the street) to tell my Mother he was on the way home would be the determining factor.......If he was happy drunk we were allowed to stay up and spend time with him (most nights he didn't come home until after bedtime) If he called and was mean drunk, my mother would tuck us into bed and tell us sweet dreams and to stay in bed. ( little ears hear everything)  She would always be the sacrificial lamb.  She would take the brunt of his tirades, his sometimes physical abuse, his ugly slurred words and his blame.  She loved this man deeply and knew the sober man, living deep inside him loved her just as intensely.


So, how does one person live their life in between two seperate childhoods that formed who she is and what she stands for today? I'm still learning as I go.  I do know what I will put up with in life and what I won't tolerate...As a child I had no choice... I had no voice.... but as a strong woman I have choices and oh vey! what a voice! I find myself championing the under dogs in almost every situation, I always speak what's on my mind even when I'm sure I should remain mute at times and I take no "chit" from anybody but acknowledge and take responsibilities of my own short comings. If someone has something negative to say about me, I actual think it over and if I agree, I'll acknowledge it...If its something I can NOT agree with, I will acknowledge that too and speak my mind. (again) lol


My unknown path into the future will always be based on the path I just came from, knowing this has brought me tremendous peace in my adult life! I now know why I think the way I do and what I will base all future reactions on life and in life on!


Yes, I know me and I'm ok with me   Ü

5 comments:

dornbrau said...

I have a weird dad too, and sometimes I blame my mom for letting him get away with some of the things he did to my sisters and brother.  She should have protected us.  They are still together, my mom and dad.  My childhood has shaped me to be the parent I wish my mother could have been.  I stand up to my husband when he is out of line, and my children always come first.  That was put to the test when he tried to kick my then 17 year old son out of the house for being at his friend's house without permission.  You kick your kid out for doing drugs, or robbery, or assault... but not going to his friend's house.  My husband left for a week, but came back a changed man.  It took a friend to tell him he was wrong, and that he should never back a woman into a corner and make her choose between her husband and child... 9 times out of 10 she'll pick the kid!  So anyhow, good things can come out of bad things.  Good luck in life, I'm sure you'll be just fine.  Just rememer all the times you said 'when I grow up I'm never going to be like that!'... thats what saves kids like us.  Our determination to give better than what we got.

moongurlie88 said...

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kneill777 said...

I too grew up with two dads under the influence of drugs and alcohol.  At 16 I met my biological father (yes, that makes 3 dads) who was a drug addict and who gave me speed to try for the first time (nice dad....hmmm...).  I spent most of my 20s in a crystal meth induced haze--a haze and yet I functioned well in it (I wish I hadn't so I could have hit rock bottom faster).  I spent half of my 30s under the influence of alcohol.  Now I am almost 39 and I am finally starting to live life.  I have spent a lot of time reflecting on who I am and what I want out of life.  Each day is a new learning experience.  
    I had to learn to let go of a lot of emotional baggage.  I had to teach myself and I have to practice daily, on how to live in the present moment.  I am beginning to feel that I am worthy of good things happening in my life.  I am also finding activities that I find enjoyful (imagine almost 40 and searching for hobbies).  
   Thank you for sharing and for your words of encouragement.  I like the quote you posted in your entry from the message board.

karen

kimbellina1957 said...

WHEN WE WERE COMPARING NOTES ON OUR LIVES, I HAD NO IDEA HOW SIMILAR THEY ARE AND RIGHT NOW, I AM IN AWE OF HOW MUCH WE HAVE LIVED OUR LIVES IN PARELLEL. MY FATHER WAS AN ALCOHOLIC, BUT, HE WAS MY SUPERMAN. AND MY MOTHER TOOK THE BRUNT OF HIS "MEAN DRUNKS", WHICH WASNT ALL THE TIME, BUT MOST. THEN ALSO, YOUR JIM SAYING WHAT HE SAID WHEN HE READ YOUR JOURNAL WAS ALMOST WORD FOR WORD WHAT MY JIM SAID TO ME WHEN HE READ MINE!!! I TOO COME FROM A BIG MILITARY FAMILY, A MILITARY BRAT! AND I ALSO ATE WHITE CASTLES WITH MY FATHER OUT IN THE BACK YARD. THE BIGGEST THING THAT BLEW ME AWAY WAS WHEN YOU WROTE YOU WERE THE "OOPS" BABY! THE BABY GIRL! THAT WOULD BE ME ALSO  :)
WOW!! I FOUND ME A SOUL SISTAH!!
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I  ALSO WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU TURNED OUT JUST FINE GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES IN WHICH YOU WERE RAISED. I DONT THINK IT MAKES US DYSFUNCTIONAL, AND IF THATS THE CASE ,THEN THERE ARE VERY FEW PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHO ARENT!! I ALWAYS SAID, "THE WHOLE WORLD'S CRAZY, WHY SHOULD I BE ANY DIFFERENT"??????
KIM.

ksquester said...

Hey, Glad I found your journal. Much in common with you. My father was an alcoholic too....seems like there's a lot of them around. He produced an alpha female, me. I won't be treated with disregard, watched him break my mother's spirit.Two different lines of two different poems come to mind....."I'm a woman of The World, A Very Special Girl, I ain't no "tool" for some damn fool to break."  The other one, is a poem by Maya Angelou....You may shoot me with your words, You may cut me with your eyes,You may kill me with your hatefulness, BUT still, like air, I'll rise (Still I rise)  Keep writing and I will keep reading.  (Saturday's Child)