Self Image

                                                         

                                                             Do You see what I see?

Age old battle

OK, lets face it raising teenagers is about as stressful as you can get! It's a job were you are completely vested in the whole process. It's not a job that you can quit, call in sick or pray you get fired from. With a son its probably a quiet riot (my Son is 12 future updates on this theory later lol), but with a daughter its full throttle and an Oscar worthy performance in "DRAMA" I have 3 daughters....this makes me an expert!  Typical stare down/no words necessary conversation with a daughter or should I say confrontation?
It's all in the "LOOK"

Her look -"She has no idea what I'm going through"
My look - "Does she not realize I was a teenager once too, wilder than her?"

Her look - " I Hate her" with a major eye roll!
My look - "Does she not realize I can make that eye roll a permanent condition?"

Her look - "She doesn't understand me...my self expression, my music, the way I want to dress or who I really am!
My look - "Does she NOT realize I WAS a child of the 60s,(free love era) 70s,(self expression era)80s (all about me era) and the music she prefers at the moment! She thinks SHE alone discovered Led Zeppelin and Depeche Mode! etc.

Her look - "She thinks she knows me! She has no idea who I am!"
My look - "Does she not think I went through this stage with my own parents"

Her look - "I can't wait to move out!"
My look - "I can't wait for her to move out!"

Her look - "When I get my own place, I'm going to decorate it how I want, I'm gonna get a pet rat and nobody's gonna make me get rid of it!"
My look - "When she moves out I'm gonna fumigate her old room and make it into my own private Study! No kids or pets allowed! My Sanctuary!"

Her look - "I don't know what's the matter with what I'm wearing, I think I look nice!"
My look - "Since when did my baby girl wanna dress like a HOOKER!?"

Her look - "I like wearing all black all the time"
My look - "What is she actually mourning?"

Her look - "I will never understand any of her rules as long as I live!"
My look - "She'll understand everything someday when she has kids of her own"

Her look - "I'm never gonna do this to my kids when I grow up!"
My look - "Maybe its time we discussed birth control!"

Her look - "I am so outta here! Grrrrrrrr!"
My look - "I am so outta here! Grrrrrrrr!"

Actually verbal ending to this stare down..........
Her - "I can't take this anymore, I'm going to the mall!
Mine - "Me too!!!"

Her - "Can I have some money?"
Mine - "Yeah right! Get a job! Bye"

lol..Don't get me wrong...I love my girls and I want them to be well adjusted,self reliant,independant women when they grow up and also to be true to themselves......but what I also want them to understand is that a wrong decision today can be a future regret tomorrow.

My Look - Been there, done that!.............lol

Falling into winter

       

Falling into Winter


I feel "fall" coming
I feel it start to shadow
my inner light
soon to be eclipsed by
the dread of winter
or should I say
the dead of winter
I despise the power
it has over me

I am a child of spring
a child of summer
I love the wind in my hair
and the sun of my face
cares seem farther away
in the warmth of summer

although I do find "Fall"
stunning with its colors
of red and gold
I hate what creeps up
behind it
endless days of
gray and bitter cold

I must always keep thinking
spring is on the other side
of winter
I hold tight to the memory
of golden sunshine
and the rebirth
of green

kmh Copyright 2004

Baby Red Tailed Hawk

This is one of my all time favorite shot and memories

We have very old,  very tall trees on our property that have a mated pair of Red Tail Hawks call home.  Last summer I had the pleasure of hosting one of their babies in my back yard.  This picture was taken when the baby was considered a fledgling ( To old to be in the nest any longer but too young to be completely self sufficient) The time frame of  the fledgling stage is approximately 2 weeks.  

I had opened up my french doors to my backyard and sitting not more than 18 inches from me on my deck railing, was this beautiful creature! This is a big baby! So mind you I panicked and slammed the door! lol  As if I couldn't believe what I saw, I peeked out the the sheers on the door and saw this adorable baby looking back at me! I didn't know if it was hurt or injured and in need of medical care, so I called my local wild life authority and they explained the process of "Raising Baby."  Baby's parents were well aware of where their baby was at all times, they stayed out of view only to protect the baby and feed the baby until the baby could fly and start a life of its own. I expected to be "Hitchcocked"  at any moment!

So for two glorious weeks we were able to enjoy the antics of this baby! I was able to get very close and take some really great shots......Or at least I think they're really great shots! We had to let our dogs in and out our neighbor's yard, as to not "disturb the wild life" for awhile lol and we had to "chase" him around the yard on grass cutting days and then one morning he was gone.......No longer a fledgling but a Baby able to take care of itself.

We are hoping that a few more fledglings come spend some time with us again this summer! Ü

When your huband screws up

As I mentioned in an earlier entry, I also enjoy writing poetry. I write in free form for that's how my heart speaks to me.

My Husband Jim is my usual Muse in my poetry and I share most of my writing with him.....I finally told him about this Journal and actually let him read it.......Here I am sitting, waiting patiently by for him to finish and see what he says.......Well he said, "That's nice." Yes, those are the words he uttered to me, "That's nice!"
That's nice????

Here (j-land) is where I bare my soul and all's I got was a "that's nice!?!?!!?" (a bunch of 4-letter words inserted here)! lol Needless to say I was hurt, then mad as Hell, then hurt again!! Well, I guess, as usual my face showed my emotions and that's when he finally redeemed himself in my eyes and in my heart!

He walked away from the computer, where my "Heart" was still written down in the form of my writing and gently took my hands and said," I'm a man, I don't always know the right words to say or express just what I'm feeling, But that doesn't mean I don't love you, because I still love you like crazy, I might not say it or show it but your always here (and he pointed to his heart) and I Love you!"

Ok! I know.....genuine sniffle sniffle........ Everything was back to being "right" in my world......Until that Wonderful Man says something not so wonderful again.......like "Those Jeans look like they got a little tight" and I spew,"I shrunk em' I like em' that way!" lol...Here's something I wrote about my muse........Hope you like it!

Forget not........

Forget not
to take me in your arms
Forget not
to whisper I love you
Forget not
to kiss me with passion
Forget not
to love me slowly
Forget not
to look into my eyes
Forget not
it is you who loves me
Forget not
you are my beloved

Copyright kmh 2004

 

 

A rough start

Ok, I went to the boards for my daily dose of inspiration and got nothing.....So I'm gonna have to dig deep and share a random thought or time in my life.....Here goes...................

I had a wonderful and not so wonderful childhood, I was constantly caught in between two separate lives, the wonderful life when alcohol wasn't involved and the not so wonderful life when alcohol was involved.  My father started drinking heavily while he was stationed over seas, away from his family while serving his country in the Air Force.  I come from a huge military family from which I am very proud of, even my Mother served in the Military, that is where she met, fell in love with and married her soul mate.

The problem was the soul mate fell under the spell of  another vice called booze.  When he was sober, which he could do a few days a week, he was my hero!  He was someone I would watch Saturday cartoons with,  sit in the back yard with on the picnic table and eat tons of White Castle cheeseburgers, extra pickle. He was the kind of man that would come home, grab my mother and dance across the house to music only their two hearts could hear. I was Daddy's lil girl, the baby in the family, the child he didn't get to meet or hold until I was almost a year old. (military base over seas) I was the Oops baby, they already had the 1 boy-1 girl thingy going on and then the Oops......I came just 12 months after my Sister, 4 years after my Brother Oh but I was loved!

Now for the flip side of my childhood, most days of my childhood were in fear, was Daddy coming home happy drunk or mean drunk? Usually a late night phone call from the bar (across the street) to tell my Mother he was on the way home would be the determining factor.......If he was happy drunk we were allowed to stay up and spend time with him (most nights he didn't come home until after bedtime) If he called and was mean drunk, my mother would tuck us into bed and tell us sweet dreams and to stay in bed. ( little ears hear everything)  She would always be the sacrificial lamb.  She would take the brunt of his tirades, his sometimes physical abuse, his ugly slurred words and his blame.  She loved this man deeply and knew the sober man, living deep inside him loved her just as intensely.

So, how does one person live their life in between two seperate childhoods that formed who she is and what she stands for today? I'm still learning as I go.  I do know what I will put up with in life and what I won't tolerate...As a child I had no choice... I had no voice.... but as a strong woman I have choices and oh vey! what a voice! I find myself championing the under dogs in almost every situation, I always speak what's on my mind even when I'm sure I should remain mute at times and I take no "chit" from anybody but acknowledge and take responsibilities of my own short comings. If someone has something negative to say about me, I actual think it over and if I agree, I'll acknowledge it...If its something I can NOT agree with, I will acknowledge that too and speak my mind. (again) lol

My unknown path into the future will always be based on the path I just came from, knowing this has brought me tremendous peace in my adult life! I now know why I think the way I do and what I will base all future reactions on life and in life on!

Yes, I know me and I'm ok with me   Ü

Mid Life crisis???

I think I am coming to the realization that I do believe there is no such thing as a "Mid Life Crisis" For as long as I can think back in my life, I seem to have had a crisis in every decade!

Here are a few that might remind YOU of yours! lol

1-10 years of age

* Who's gonna teach me to potty like a big girl?

* What do you mean give up my training wheels?

* School? Everyday for how many months?

* my first crush

11-20 years of age

* A bra? And how long do I have to wear that?

* Bleeding? Just how many of these does a young lady get in a month?

* So what do I say when a boys says........

* When do I get my drivers license?

21-30 years of life

* set me up bar tender!

* the prospect of getting married

* labor and delivery

* Yes you have to learn math all over again! Because your children are  now in school and you have to help with their homework!

31-40

* When did I get that wrinkle!

* what life?

* Donate those Levi's 501....face it your never gonna fit into them again!

41 and so far

* As anybody happen to have seen what I did with "me" this past decade?

* I'm starting to resemble my Mother.......and thank God that's not a bad thing!

***********************************************************

Hope you at least got a giggle out of something Ü

The power of denial

Some days I get my inspiration on what to do in my journal by simply reading the message board and pick a topic from there.........so here goes

The one subject line that moved me today was about a young woman's journal on divorce......it made me acutely aware of how powerful "DENIAL" can be...........

Denial can come in the form of a mirror or an unusually tight pair of jeans.  It is said that when someone battling Anorexia looks into a mirror, all they see is a grossly over weight person even if they now weigh as much as a 10 year old.  Well I seem to have something completely opposite of that and I wonder if there is a "NEW DISORDER" out there that makes one who looks into the dreadful full length mirror and see a "not so bad "reflection even though the birth of ones children has left them looking nothing like who they looked like B.C. (before childbirth) LOL

Denial can come in the form of a cigarette (hear me out I'm an ex-smoker 19 years waaaahooooo)! LOL  For the last 20 years or so study after study has proved that there is no redeeming benefits for deliberately lighting up a small cylinder shaped paper with an inadequate filter on one end while the other end is jammed full of smelly tobacco loaded with cancer causes agents and a few other ingredients proved recently to keep one addicted to them then lighting them up with get this (butane gas???) which HAS to find its way into ones body too at some point then deliberately taking "SMOKE" into ones own lungs.  The last thing anybody would ever do before running into a burning building is to take a huge breath of smoke right??? and as far as the "CANCER EFFECT" who in their right mind would inhale radiation fumes on a daily basis...hugged a Nuclear reactor lately???

Denial can come in the beginning of the end of a marriage too.  Your spouse stops coming home at night,  then gives you lame excuses you would never accept from your"late" teenager and/or get away with,  then becomes cold and distant and then on top of it all has YOU believing its all your fault! The reason I know this first hand was watching it happen in my parents marriage......The truth came out in the end.......her name was "Kathy" and that is who my father walked away from his Wife of 18 years, his 3 children and his home.......the end result cost him his life, in an indirect and sometimes direct way.

Yes denial is a POWERFUL thing

 

More of what makes me happy

I am still amazed on how addictive this is becoming for me....Everyday starts out with wondering what  part of "me" do I want to share with the world today???    Hmmmmmm So I thought I would add a few more things about what makes me smile   Ü

Thunderstorms - I love a good thunderstorm, its hard for me to NOT sit by the window and not watch one!  The rain washes away all of the days grime, the lightning never ceases to amaze me on its raw power to light up a night time sky as if someone turned on the Sun, and the sound of thunder.  Rolling thunder from far off is much less frighting as the thunder that follows immediatly after a bolt of lighting....so intense that you feel it through your body as if its a sound "you" made. And the wind.....to watch it like a storms "temper tantrum" thrashing things around.  I love them as long as no harm is brought on by one.

Shoes - Yes, SHOES! the only thing really "girly girl" about me! lol I just love a cute shoe! I think my husband thinks that I must be a distant relative of Imelda Marcos for I can give her a run for her money on shoe count and don't forget about having to have a matching bag too! (I'm one of those anal types that has to match, not only my shoes and my hand bags but also my coat if one is needed)  I wonder if there is a 12 step program for shoe buyers???  If there is, you can bet each "step" is with a different pair of shoes! lol

The Ocean - I think its the only thing that looks exatly the same as it must have looked when the world was first created.  For you can stand on the sandy shore line and gaze out and not see any of man's inventions or destructions for as far as the eye can see.......that is, until a ship passes by!lol........When ever I want to recharge what I like to call "My life's battery" I simply have to stand ankle deep in the big blue sea and enjoy the unencumbered view.

Well those are just a few more glimpses into me and what makes me tick lol..........more to follow at some other time when the mood strikes me....Hope ya enjoyed!

Letting go

I'm still having trouble adjusting to "Vacations over mode" I can't seem to focus on anything long enough to ponder it,  But in a sometimes chaotic life, that can be a respite.  School will be starting and for the first time in a long time, I'll only have 2 children in school. A 7th grader and an 8th grader.........My 18 year old graduated this past summer and my 21 year old has informed us she's no longer interested in pursuing her college classes.  How hard letting go is sometimes.  Since their birth we are instinctively always taking care of them, are they warm enough, are they hungry, do they need help with this or with that, can they make at least one decision without our help? And then Wham!!!!! They are in the last few years of teenage life and you suddenly are aware they 're taking over their own lives and you are no longer privy to there deepest darkest thoughts, their dreams and their plans for their future.  When did they grow up? How is it you can remember as if just yesterday their nose needed wiping, bath time is over and you are gently tucking them in bed whispering "sweet dreams lil one"

Having a blended family of yours, mine and ours has put a few years in between children, so its almost like raising two separate families.....I can remember all the times it was just Jim and I and our blended daughters, then "our" last two children came along and we started everything over again....Diaper bags, double strollers, pulling all nighters over a new tooth, just when we had our first two children finally in school full time.  Sometimes I wonder, "What was I thinking?" but then the last two lil ones fall asleep and I fall desperately in love with them all over again.  Now they too are starting to show me what individuals they really are outside of my mothering....the early years of me answering all their questions taking my view on things as their own, with no questions asked and then, what seems like such a short time later, they have their own explanations and views and no longer take mine as the end all.

This is what we are supposed to do anyway......Give them life and love, then guide them to be the best they can be up until young adulthood.......then let them go and pray they take as good care of themselves as we did.  I always used to say, "Geez! I can't wait till they are grown and gone already!" and all the empty nesters would say, "You're gonna miss them!" and I would think,"Yeah right! and how many years is it gonna take me to actually miss them?" And then I find myself missing them already, even though that haven't actually moved out on their own yet.  Their lives have just become so busy with work and school and friends that we hardly see each other anymore, just like I did at their age.  The thing that helps me through the "baby grown up blues" is that I hope when they get a lil bit older they come back to the "fold" just as I did.  But, when I think, would I like another chance at raising them again? the term "Hell no!" comes to mind instantly! It was hard enough the first time but worth every "lost moment of myself." ...........Now I have time to rediscover me again Ü

The north woods

Back from my visit to the North Woods were life passes by a lil more slowly.  How beautiful the night sky is lit up by the glitter of blinking stars....never dulled by the light of mans inventions.  To hear the sound of the breeze as it passes through the tall pines, by far my favorite tree, always standing at attention always to seem perfectly lined up as if in a "march"

A day spent fishing for Northern Pike and Muskies to have the wonder of the American Bald Eagle fly within a few feet over head......It's no wonder its the symbol of strength and grace for this country I am so proud of.  It glides on the wind with barely a wings flutter while its mate waits on the tip of the tall pines.

Days spent enjoying the sunshine while nights were spent all wrapped up in the warmth of down feathered comforters perfect combination for a trip up north. What a way to spend some time recharging "Life's Battery." After many years spent up at the cabin I can never really tire of the view of the lake framed perfectly by the large window nestled high in the woods.

Its a place to escape to by vehicle or through fond memories.....life never changes up in the north woods, for if it does it does slowly, without much notice.

New day

New day

The early light of dawn excites me
makes me wonder where this new
day will take me on my travels
Will I spend the day
trying to capture
natures simple beauty
with my camera lens
or will it be  a day tethered
to my computer
unable to pull away from it draw
writing, writing always writing

KMH
copyright 2004

Endless summers of my youth

I'm trying to not make my first few impressions on this Journal so deep and heavy, but that is what I've been feeling for the past few days......... I'm sure listening to "My Immortal" isn't helping to lighten my mood either.....But I'm comfortable hidden in the shadows today.  Is it because Fall is coming? I am hoping for an Indian Summer.......how alive I feel when the sun is shining warm on me!

Funny how as a child, summer seemed to last for years or was that the long distance car ride to Grandma's on East Coast every summer? I can still feel the wind swoooshing past me in the back seat of my parents car as my brother, sister and I make the miles seem endless to our parents.  But when we arrive at Grandma's its all worth the endless Noogies and pinches from my siblings.  I loved my Grandparents house in New Jersey! A quaint lil cottage painted white with green shutters and matching adirondack furniture out on the slate patio. It sat up on a small hill with birch trees on one side, Oh how much I loved that place! So much that when I bought my own house it also had birch trees on it's side, as did my brothers!  The inside of the house smelled of cedar rafters on the open ceiling, the fireplace that sat in the center of the room with openings in all 4 rooms of the house, the creaking of the bathroom door painted white with a skeleton key to lock it. I thought my mother must of loved growing up here! I still go back there in my minds eye

I would love to go back there someday and see if it's just the way we left it, when my grandfather died and my grandmother had to come live with us in Chicago.  But I would hate to see the changes that it has probably made all these years later.  So I'll just keep it, in my minds eye, painted white with green shutters smelling of cedar.

The telling of me

Where does one begin telling ones story..........I guess I'll start with what makes me happy.

I enjoy photograghy........it lets me express how I feel with just a few clicks of the camera.  Sometimes it shows how I enjoy the simple things in life like a monarch butterfly enjoying a summer flight and sometimes it shows the deeper side of me caught in the shades and shadows of black and white imagery.  The simple beauty of mother nature makes me happy and the camera lets me capture it for safe keeping.

I enjoy writing.........it lets me express how I feel without an audience.  I find myself able to know myself a lil better by just sitting down and letting my fingers hit the keyboard and tell the story of me better then any kind of thought process........I tend to over think.......and writing lets if flow more honestly and fluently.  The simplicity of a few words and you and I get to know eachother better.   Here is a sampling of my style of writing

 

Only words…………

The wonder of words
Add a melody to them and they
Become music
Rhyme them and they
Become poetry
Add passion to them and they
Become love
Add anger to them and they
Become weapons

KMH copyright 2004