Irrational Fears....can be fun?

Ok, I have made up my mind and I am going to take on an old irrational fear of mine head on! lol I am going on a cruise! lol I have no idea why I am petrified of cruise ships, Titanic maybe? one too many viewings of the Poseidon Adventure? who knows! I am also going to be boarding an air plane for the first time since 2001 pre-September 11th. So count that as two irrational fears of mine head on!

A few of the Wives from the Lake Club we joined this past summer including my sister-in-law have agreed that all our husbands get too much 'play time' together and in doing that, us as Wives are always left behind taking care of everything, while they go on many hunting and fishing trips together year after year. It's now equal opportunity 'Play time' and they wives are rebelling and we just booked a cruise leaving out of Los Angeles and cruising to Baja California (Mexico) woooooo hooooooo!

We booked the trip for a few months down the line and I took a virtual tour of the ship and the suites ( gotta love the internet!) and I was so happy to see the private balcony in our suite! (here is where my maybe not so irrational fear comes into play) The thought of even walking the gang plank onto a ship scared the bajeebies out of me and EVEN the thought of going into the belly of the boat was some place I couldn't even let my mind explore! My worse fear would have been a cabin in the belly of the boat with just a 15 inch porthole to look out of. I was always thinking I would never be able to squeeze my much larger size butt out of a 15 inch porthole in case the need arrived and I had to plan my escape! lol So you see having a balcony right outside our suite I don't have to worry about saving myself in case of an emergency my butt is much smaller than the balcony door THANK GOD! lol

So I am tossing my fears of ships to the side and over packing of course and lettin' it rip! lol lol lol  Our husbands are in complete shock! We all got that *deer in the headlight* look from them when we announced our plans to them this past weekend at the lake, we followed them there, it was the last day of gun season and it's the only place we could catch them all at the same time, to spring this idea on them! lol each of us got,"whatta ya mean your going on a cruise?" and then, "And your going without us?" it was priceless! "Yep we are going and we are going without you! We'll call you if we need BAIL MONEY!!!"

And we'll have fun.... fun.... fun.... till our daddy's take our t-birds away! lol

Depression ..end of series

My first few years off of meds and dealing with the bouts of depression was very trying to say the least, I would feel the pull of depression start as early as November, but I learned the harder I tried to keep it at bay, the more intense the feeling of foreboding and the longer the periods of depression would last. So if I just accept this part of me that I referred to as 'Down time' the easier it was for me to go through it. That old saying 'This too shall pass' brought great comfort, for just as I knew that depression could and would find me again, I knew that it would pass too.

I still have bouts of depression, but they are fewer and far between but I have to admit this year in particular some of the old intensity has returned, but knowing that spring time always follows winter, helps me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Knowing that no matter how much despair and BLAH you feel, always remember it's not going to last a life time only a small moment of time in my life, is a great copping mechanism.

I want to thank everybody for their words of encouragement during this series, some of you have mentioned about how brave I am to show this not so perfect side of me, but I wanted to expose this side of me as well as the other not so perfect sides of my life, to maybe help someone somewhere either feeling what I have felt or experiencing it for the first time that it doesn't have to define you, that it doesn't have to control you and you can have a good life.

Here are a few things that helped me along the way, just some really simple ideas to chase away the blues.

Lemon Scented candles - smell is an important part of our life, it can trigger memories, for me it is a reminder of summer time, which is a time that is free of depression for those who suffer from bipolar depression. I really like William-Sonoma kitchen candle in lemon scent it is the most like lemon and doesn't smell like pledge furniture polish (Yuk! house cleaning is enough to make me depressed! lol)

Take advantage of every sunny day - Flood your home with it, open blinds, lift up shades, let it fill your home or at least the room you spend most of your time in.

Spend at least one to two days a week outside of the house - This forces you to shower, dress and participate in life. You can meet friends or family for lunch, dinner or shopping. Or you can just spend the day out there by yourself.

Call an old friend - the kind of old friend that you can laugh and I mean really laugh with over silly stuff you did when you were younger. Once you re-establish that old friendship call on this person every time you could use a giggle. Make plans to get together with them when your feeling up to it.

Most important TALK ABOUT IT! you would be surprised to find out how many other people have experienced some of the same things that you are experiencing now. It doesn't always have to be a 'down' conversation, we all have the capability to laugh at ourselves.

The 'Blues' always seems to catch us off guard, but it's a natural life experience. Some people's 'Blues' are just a lil deeper than others. Reach out to someone else having a bad time of it, it will be good for your own healing and you might be just reaching that person 'IN TIME' in their own battle with depression.

And when you feel that old feeling creeping up on you, just think 'bring it on!' let it wash over you, let yourself have a few 'down' days and once you accept it as a part of your life, it's easier to deal with. For me this helped to speed it along, now when I do have a bout with it, it only lasts for a few days at a time instead of weeks and weeks and I find myself able to work through it.........life is good and I am thankful!

Just remember you have felt this way before and THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

Manic-Depression part 4

For those that aren't sure how antidepressants effect your body, I liken it to a "Flat Line" No ups, no downs... simply a flat line. They want to stop you from feeling the terrible lows but in doing so they block the "JOY" you experience in life too. Your no longer sad...your no longer happy....your just......there.

I had grown up manic, I loved that side of my personality, when I am in my manic stage I am super woman, it is such a part of my personality, that without it I was struggling to be me. Only a few of my best friends and others knew what I was going through and they were my angels, the weeks I would disappear into myself they would call and talk to me through my answering machine,"We know your there, we just want you to know we are thinking about you and we love you!" I didn't want to leave my room, answer the phone, clean myself up, forget about hair and make up, just brushing my teeth was a struggle, I just wanted to sleep my life away. During sleep you don't have to deal with anything, no stress, no decisions, no conversation, no questions and answers just the quiet, dark place found in sleep.

Some of my other friends found this to be very difficult to deal with, they didn't know how to deal with me this way, so they just avoided me, others were shocked that Happy-go-lucky Kim suffered from depression ( I hid it well) I never left my room, let alone my house during the worse of it all, so they only knew the manic side of me, the side I had grown up with, it wasn't until my late 20's that the depressive side of the disorder showed itself full force.

Panic attacks would happen out of nowhere, the weird thing is that increases in 'Noise levels' is what would trigger them. I would be out and in a safe mood and all of a sudden the noise level would go up and I would have to leave where ever I was, to escape to the safety of my room. I left restaurants with food being ordered, I left grocery carts filled with groceries, I left school functions (kids) without a word to anybody, only the safety of being in my room brought my panic attacks to an end. My Husband was able to read my face very well now and he would know when to hand me the car keys while he would order the meal we just ordered 'to go' now and I would run to the truck and wait for him to rush me home to the safty of my room.

After a couple years of 'Talk therapy' and meds I decided I was going to stop all medication. I was so sick and tired of taking pills, so without my family or my Doctors knowledge (I don't advise this!) I stopped taking everything. No more Prozac, no more Synthroid (thyroid disease) (big NO NO found that out later) and no more Depakote. (Seizures) I seemed to have more seizures on that medicine than off of it. I went from having maybe 2 seizures a month to having multiple seizures a day. They aren't grand mal seizures, it's not epileptic in nature, they were petite mal seizures. At one time I was so drugged up, I had put my baby boy (toddler) down and just walked away from him. We were at a restaurant and Jim handed me the baby to go find a table while he took the girls to the washroom and I just put lil Jimmy down and walked away. Jim came to the table and asked where the baby was and I didn't even remember having him. Jimmy was found unharmed terrorizing other restaurant patrons, but that was it, I can't put my children in jeopardy while trying to heal myself.

I couldn't stand going through life without being able to experience all the emotions that goes along with it. I have to be able to experience 'JOY'...I had to be able to 'Function'.. I had babies and small children. I later had to start taking my thyroid medicine because that is basically the 'brain' of your whole body, it regulates so many things can even bring on depression. For more information on Thyroid disease..(click link)  .  WebMD with AOL Health - Hypothyroidism -- What Happens


continued

Depression (new diagnosis) part 3

The new year (1993) had come in without a bang for me because I was not at the point where I could celebrate, Dr. M had prescribed at first Paxil for me to no avail and then finally I was put on Prozac with the milligrams increasing to a high level, I had been in "Talk " Therapy with a wonderful woman I'll call Dr. E for a few months and I felt many burdens leave my spirit as soon as the words left my mouth.

There wasn't too much to learn from DR E because for me I was always able to answer "Why" things happened, or why I let things happen or why I did the things I did......I just needed to speak of them, say them out loud for the first time and then let them go.  I had wrote briefly about my therapy in an earlier entry so here is a small exert from how I equated that discovery back in time, back in my life and mind.

Decades  (written 9/26/04)  read whole entry here..... Decades

"My fourth decade is where I shattered.  I couldn't do it all anymore.  I knew in order for me to go forward I had to go back to my past.  I dealt with childhood issues that I thought were long taken care of.  I liken it to a long hallway with many doors, some doors well lit, some cast in shadows.  There were a few that I just wanted to take a peek in, just to relive a great memory, and there were others where the doors were scorching hot, and they burned me as I turned the knob.  I opened all but a few.  Those were the doors that I didn't really want to know what happened, I am at peace with my choices.  The second half of that decade was ridding myself of all the drama. I walked away from everything and everybody that I felt took more than they gave to me.  It was wonderful to be free of that garbage, but I still had to deal with the guilt of sometimes putting myself before others.  Your whole childhood your taught to be nice, to accommodate everybody so no one feels left out, even though your spread so thin that you wonder if there is enough of you to go around? Its something you don't realize until its almost too late. "

I seemed to get through what I had to get through faster during therapy, I contribute that to having to not only telling my words once, but having to talk about it again (sessions) when I returned back home from each therapy session to spill my guts to my own Mother who was at my home taking care of my children, while I was keeping up with Doctor appointments and therapy sessions and even though she did not want to pressure me into telling her what I was going through, I think as a Mother she needed to know what happened to "HER BABY" So I would tell her what was discussed that day and with the same kind of unbelievable pain from whispering those same words earlier at the doctor, I would have to relive it again and most times when my husband would return from work, I would have to rehash through tears again. So it was like triple therapy sessions each day. It was during my therapy that DR E changed my diagnosis from severe depression to being manic-depression. She was able to show me how I lived most my life in a manic state......super woman....always the life of the party....able to get through any and every thing...I was now learning the depressant side to it..I was learning the small ways it had shown itself through out my earlier years but wasn't aware of it.

I remember the day my husband rushed home because of the frantic call from our 6 year old daughter, and he was beside himself because he could not console me, he could not take my pain and my tears and my guilt away. I was so afraid......I was afraid of loosing him because I went from this strong independent woman to this mess, (He still tells me I'm a mess but I'm a beautiful mess and I'm his) After lifting me up from the floor in the corner of my room and calling my Mother and my new family doctor he said to me as he held me and wiped away tear after tear of mine," I love you and I will do anything to get you well again, we will get through this....you will get through this."

Continued

Dealing with Depression (part 2)

Getting better started out very slow.....it was meeting a new family Doctor for the first time, (moved to a new neighborhood) and I went for our introduction meeting and after all the usual questions were asked and answered, she said, "Is there anything else you would like to discuss?" So I thought this might be a good time to mention the bouts of pain in my head that I had been suffering through silently for 15 years, so she ordered and EEG and a MRI of my brain and I was later diagnosed with seizures (Who knew?) and severe Migraines. Then she asked,"Is there anything else?" and this torrent of words just started spewing from my mouth and I told her everything in one long winded breath because I was afraid if I stopped to take another breath I would close myself off and again and suffer more dark moods in silence.

She just took my hands in hers and quietly looked me in the eye and said,"First we are going to get you well physically and then we will get you well mentally." I felt my soul break free and dance. Then I wondered would I be able to really open up myself and let all the terrible things that I had to witness as a small child find words and escape my mouth? Would I let all the terrible thoughts that ran around my head, that just scared the hell out of me just thinking about them sometimes, actually escape through my mouth? I was either going to have to really trust and feel safe or I was going to have to find that part of me that just threw it all out there and let the chips fall where they may.

It took a few days for my first visit for my head to get shrunk, would I let my head get shrunk? Would I feel like I could talk to this Doctor and would she really be listening or would her head be somewhere else? caught up in her own day? (you know what I'm talking about, you've caught your doctors on that once or twice!) it was a very scary day for me. I just remember my sister telling me,"What ever you find out, what ever you might remember, don't tell me I don't want to know, I am not ready to remember, I don't want to remember!" How's that for support?? But that is another whole issue unto it's self.

I was very lucky that my "Shrink" really loved her job and did have my best interest at heart, with the same candor that I had opened up to with my new family Doctor I found myself half confessing/half tattling everything that had brought me there, to my breaking point. I thought, "So this is what a nervous breakdown felt like?" all that holding it in, all that hiding in myself, always worrying about what others would think or say, telling a few secrets that weren't supposed to leave the recesses of my childhood came out of me that day.... like the helium that escapes a popped balloon...but what would be the repercussions?

(continued)

Losing it while watching Oprah

Ok watching Oprah just made me loose it....it was letters from soldiers who would not make it home, some arrived right before they were killed, some came after they had already had passed and the family was notified, what a special but unbearable pain that those letter must of caused.  These are someone's babies, someone's forever love, someone's Mommy or Daddy, someone who was destined for greatness and will be loved and missed greatly.

Being from a long standing military family that has been traced back to the French and Indian War which was officially began in 1756, I know that War is an evil necessity, but that does not make it any easier to accept when a loved one does not return from War. My Parents met while in the Air Force and I currently have a nephew in Iraq and a cousin in Afganistan and many others that I care about have family members that are serving their country in these two war ravaged countries.

Being born in 1963 and spending my early life as a military brat I did not understand what the Vietnam War was all about but I did understand what the American Flag and the POW and MIA flags and bracelets meant. I wore both POW and MIA bracelets during most of my childhood, I knew they stood for an American person who was a soldier and who might not come home. I remember my Mother not being able to tell me were my Father and my Uncles were, my Father flew a lot of missions that he wasn't able to discuss with my Mother. One in particular haunted him until his death at 41, he never did tell us where he was or what he was supposed to do, but that what ever it was, it was aborted the mission at the very last moment and he was ordered to return to base.

 

My Mothers military career ended upon the birth of her first born, my Brother. But followed my Father where ever they would let an American family follow. I spent a few years over seas in Europe and many summers running around military bases playing soldier. My dearest treasures are my Father's Dog Tags and his Burial Flag.There aren't too many things he did that I am proud of but serving his country was one I could adore him for, for that he is an AmericanHero and mine too!

What the Vietnam war did teach me was that those brave men who went and did their job without hesitation, for the love of their country and the sacrifices they and their families made, make me very proud to be an American and I am so happy to see even though some people are against this war, they are not against the soldier's fighting it.

So I cry a tear for the ones that aren't coming home, and I send prayers to the family's that have to accept this and I am forever grateful for those who are poised to defend this great country at great costs to themselves. Hero's come in many uniforms.....God Bless!

 

Depression (part 1)

As mentioned far back in an earlier entry, my childhood caught up to me, and I was raising 4 small children the youngest being a new born the next only 11 months old, then the 6 and 9 year olds, plus my 2 year old neice a few days during the week, and taking care of my Husbands 83 year old Grandmother who I adored and was suffering from Alzheimer's and multiple TIA's (mini strokes), plus taking care of a new large house, I just snapped. I thought I could take on the world but I learned differently that year. I am a strong woman but I was up against something that was stronger and my mind and body and soul gave in.....it was 1992 and I was 29 years old.

Most days were spent locked away in my room sobbing with my newborn in a bouncy chair and my 11 month old in her walker, the older two at school. I kept that part of me hidden, accepting something that was bigger than me, accepting that I can't do it all only made me feel more desolate. It wasn't until my 6 year old daughter came home from school one day and found me on the floor, rocking back and forth did my little secret come out. She placed a call to her daddy at work telling him, "Mommy is rocking on the floor and she isn't holding a baby!" I had locked myself.... in myself.. and couldn't find a way out, something I could do at will from surviving my childhood became forgotten to me.

There was something freeing though in letting go, only those that have gone through this know what I'm talking about. It's as if everything is packed into the basket of a hot air balloon and you are on the ground watching it drift farther and farther away from you, when in fact you are the one drifting farther and farther away from it. You are tucked safely away somewhere, you just don't know where that somewhere is and your OK with that.

After meeting with the experts and my family by my side at first I was diagnosed with severe depression and I was told there are three types of people when it comes to depression, one's who can be treated with just medication, ones who could be treated with just talk therapy and one's that needed both......I fell into that category.....both.

Let the healing begin....or try to at least..........
(to be continued)